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- Herausgeber: Hesperus Press Ltd.
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2014
Gentlemen - make sure your conduct is up to scratch! From advice on how to treat ladies, how to behave at a party and rules for travelling abroad, this handy nineteenth century guidebook will provide entertaining nuggets of wisdom. Ever wondered what to do in polite society if you find an insect in your food? Or how a gentleman should ask a lady to dance? And what on earth is the etiquette for smoking cigars? First published in 1860, Cecil B. Hartley's classic guide to gentlemanly behaviour is a veritable mine of information and indispensable advice for aspiring gentlemen. No matter if a man finds himself at a party, meeting someone new or travelling abroad, he has but to leaf through this book to learn how best to behave, and indeed how not to behave. And if he can find time between his numerous invitations to balls and hunting parties, he could benefit from a perusal of the sections on gentlemanly deportment and conversational technique. Not forgetting, of course, the all-important advice on how to treat ladies, surely an integral part of any true gentleman's training. Published here in a stunning edition alongside The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, this is the perfect gift for the would-be gentleman in your life. While it's an excellent volume for dipping into for hilarious nuggets of outdated advice, this guide also contains advice on all manner of topics, from beard-keeping to chivalry, that are just as relevant today as they were in Cecil B. Hartley's time. As he says himself: 'Once a gentleman always a gentleman' and be sure that you can so carry out the rule, that in your most careless, joyous moments, when freest from the restraints of etiquette, you can still be recognizable as a gentleman by every act, word, or look.
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CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
MAN was not intended to live like a bear or a hermit, apart from others of his own nature, and, philosophy and reason will each agree with me, that man was born for sociability and finds his true delight in society. Society is a word capable of many meanings, and used here in each and all of them. Society, par excellence; the world at large; the little clique to which he is bound by early ties; the companionship of friends or relatives; even society tête à tête with one dear sympathising soul, are pleasant states for a man to be in.
Taking the word in its most extended view, it is the world; but in the light we wish to impress in our book it is the smaller world of the changing, pleasant intercourse of each city or town in which our reader may chance to abide.
This society, composed, as it is, of many varying natures and elements, where each individual must submit to merge his own identity into the universal whole, which makes the word and state, is divided and subdivided into various cliques, and has a pastime for every disposition, grave or gay; and with each division rises up a new set of forms and ceremonies to be observed if you wish to glide down the current of polite life, smoothly and pleasantly.
The young man who makes his first entrance into the world of society, should know how to choose his friends, and next how to conduct himself towards them. Experience is, of course, the best guide, but at first starting this must come second-hand, from an older friend, or from books.
A judicious friend is the best guide; but how is the young man to know whom to choose? When at home this friend is easily selected; but in this country, where each bird leaves the parent nest as soon as his wings will bear him safely up, there are but few who stay amongst the friends at home.
Next then comes the instruction from books. True a book will not fully supply the place either of experience or friendly advice, still it may be made useful, and, carefully written from the experience of heads grown grey in society, with only well-authenticated rules, it will be a guide not to be despised by the young aspirant for favour in polite and refined circles.
You go into society from mixed motives; partly for pleasure, recreation after the fatigues of your daily duties, and partly that you may become known. In a republican country where one man’s opportunities for rising are as good as those of another, ambition will lead every rising man into society.
You may set it down as a rule, that as you treat the world, so the world will treat you. Carry into the circles of society a refined, polished manner, and an amiable desire to please, and it will meet you with smiling grace, and lead you forward pleasantly along the flowery paths; go, on the contrary, with a brusque, rude manner, startling all the silky softness before you with cut and thrust remarks, carrying only the hard realities of life in your hand, and you will find society armed to meet you, showing only sharp corners and thorny places for your blundering footsteps to stumble against.
You will find in every circle that etiquette holds some sway; her rule is despotic in some places, in others mild, and easily set aside. Your first lesson in society will be to study where she reigns supreme, in her crown and holding her sceptre, and where she only glides in with a gentle hint or so, and timidly steps out if rebuked; and let your conduct be governed by the result of your observations. You will soon become familiar with the signs, and tell on your first entrance into a room whether kid gloves and exquisite finish of manner will be appropriate, or whether it is ‘hail, fellow, well met’ with the inmates. Remember, however, ‘once a gentleman always a gentleman’, and be sure that you can so carry out the rule, that in your most careless, joyous moments, when freest from the restraints of etiquette, you can still be recognisable as a gentleman by every act, word, or look.
Avoid too great a restraint of manner. Stiffness is not politeness, and, while you observe every rule, you may appear to heed none. To make your politeness part of yourself, inseparable from every action, is the height of gentlemanly elegance and finish of manner.
CHAPTER I
Conversation
ONE of the first rules for a guide in polite conversation, is to avoid political or religious discussions in general society. Such discussions lead almost invariably to irritating differences of opinion, often to open quarrels, and a coolness of feeling which might have been avoided by dropping the distasteful subject as soon as marked differences of opinion arose. It is but one out of many that can discuss either political or religious differences, with candour and judgement, and yet so far control his language and temper as to avoid either giving or taking offence.
IN their place, in circles which have met for such discussions, in a tête à tête conversation, in a small party of gentlemen where each is ready courteously to listen to the others, politics may be discussed with perfect propriety, but in the drawing room, at the dinner-table, or in the society of ladies, these topics are best avoided.
IF you are drawn into such a discussion without intending to be so, be careful that your individual opinion does not lead you into language and actions unbecoming a gentleman. Listen courteously to those whose opinions do not agree with yours, and keep your temper. A man in a passion ceases to be a gentleman.
EVEN if convinced that your opponent is utterly wrong, yield gracefully, decline further discussion, or dextrously turn the conversation, but do not obstinately defend your own opinion until you become angry, or more excited than is becoming to a gentleman.
MANY there are who, giving their opinion, not as an opinion but as a law, will defend their position by such phrases, as – ‘Well, if I were president, or governor, I would,’ etc. – and while by the warmth of their argument they prove that they are utterly unable to govern their own temper, they will endeavour to persuade you that they are perfectly competent to take charge of the government of the nation.
RETAIN, if you will, a fixed political opinion, yet do not parade it upon all occasions, and, above all, do not endeavour to force others to agree with you. Listen calmly to their ideas upon the same subjects, and if you cannot agree, differ politely, and while your opponent may set you down as a bad politician, let him be obliged to admit that you are a gentleman.
WIT and vivacity are two highly important ingredients in the conversation of a man in polite society, yet a straining for effect, or forced wit, is in excessively bad taste. There is no one more insupportable in society than the everlasting talkers who scatter puns, witticisms, and jokes with so profuse a hand that they become as tiresome as a comic newspaper, and whose loud laugh at their own wit drowns other voices which might speak matter more interesting. The really witty man does not shower forth his wit so indiscriminately; his charm consists in wielding his powerful weapon delicately and easily, and making each highly polished witticism come in the right place and moment to be effectual. While real wit is a most delightful gift, and its use a most charming accomplishment, it is, like many other bright weapons, dangerous to use too often. You may wound where you meant only to amuse, and remarks which you mean only in for general applications, may be construed into personal affronts, so, if you have the gift, use it wisely, and not too freely.
THE most important requisite for a good conversational power is education, and, by this is meant, not merely the matter you may store in your memory from observation or books, though this is of vast importance, but it also includes the developing of the mental powers, and, above all, the comprehension.
‘IN the present day an acquaintance with art, even if you have no love for it, is a sine qua non of good society. Music and painting are subjects which will be discussed in every direction around you. It is only in bad society that people go to the opera, concerts, and art exhibitions merely because it is the fashion, or to say they have been there; and if you confessed to such a weakness in really good society, you would be justly voted a puppy. For this, too, some book knowledge is indispensable. You should at least know the names of the more celebrated artists, composers, architects, sculptors, and so forth, and should be able to approximate their several schools.’
‘PRECISION and accuracy must begin in the very outset; and if we neglect them in grammar, we shall scarcely acquire them in expressing our thoughts. But since there is no society without interchange of thought, and since the best society is that in which the best thoughts are interchanged in the best and most comprehensible manner, it follows that a proper mode of expressing ourselves is indispensable in good society.’
‘THE art of expressing one’s thoughts neatly and suitably is one which, in the neglect of rhetoric as a study, we must practise for ourselves. The commonest thought well put is more useful in a social point of view, than the most brilliant idea jumbled out. What is well expressed is easily seized, and therefore readily responded to; the most poetic fancy may be lost to the hearer, if the language which conveys it is obscure. Speech is the gift which distinguishes man from animals, and makes society possible. He has but a poor appreciation of his high privilege as a human being, who neglects to cultivate, “God’s great gift of speech”.’
‘AS I am not writing for men of genius, but for ordinary beings, I am right to state that an indispensable part of education is a knowledge of the literature of the English language. But how to read, is, for society more important than what we read. The man who takes up nothing but a newspaper, but reads it to think, to deduct conclusions from its premises, and form a judgement on its opinions, is more fitted for society than he, who having all the current literature and devoting his whole time to its perusal, swallows it all without digestion. In fact, the mind must be treated like the body, and however great its appetite, it will soon fall into bad health if it gorges, but does not ruminate. At the same time an acquaintance with the best current literature is necessary to modern society, and it is not sufficient to have read a book without being able to pass a judgement upon it. Conversation on literature is impossible, when your respondent can only say, “Yes. I like the book, but I really don’t know why.”’
‘AN acquaintance with old English literature is not perhaps indispensable, but it gives a man great advantage in all kinds of society, and in some he is at a constant loss without it. The same may be said of foreign literature, which in the present day is almost as much discussed as our own; but, on the other hand, an acquaintance with home and foreign politics, with current history, and subjects of passing interest, is absolutely necessary; and a person of sufficient intelligence to join in good society, cannot dispense with his daily newspaper, his literary journal, and the principal reviews and magazines. The cheapness of every kind of literature, the facilities of our well-stored circulating libraries, our public reading rooms, and numerous excellent lectures on every possible subject, leave no excuse to poor or rich for an ignorance of any of the topics discussed in intellectual society. You may forget your Latin, Greek, French, German, and Mathematics, but if you frequent good company, you will never be allowed to forget that you are a citizen of the world.’
AMAN of real intelligence and cultivated mind, is generally modest. He may feel when in everyday society, that in intellectual acquirements he is above those around him; but he will not seek to make his companions feel their inferiority, nor try to display this advantage over them. He will discuss with frank simplicity the topics started by others, and endeavour to avoid starting such as they will not feel inclined to discuss. All that he says will be marked by politeness and deference to the feelings and opinions of others.
LA Bruyere says, ‘The great charm of conversation consists less in the display of one’s own wit and intelligence, than in the power to draw forth the resources of others; he who leaves you after a long conversation, pleased with himself and the part he has taken in the discourse, will be your warmest admirer. Men do not care to admire you, they wish you to be pleased with them; they do not seek for instruction or even amusement from your discourse, but they do wish you to be made acquainted with their talents and powers of conversation; and the true man of genius will delicately make all who come in contact with him, feel the exquisite satisfaction of knowing that they have appeared to advantage.’
HAVING admitted the above to be an incontestable fact, you will also see that it is as great an accomplishment to listen with an air of interest and attention, as it is to speak well.
TO be a good listener is as indispensable as to be a good talker, and it is in the character of listener that you can most readily detect the man who is accustomed to good society. Nothing is more embarrassing to anyone who is speaking, than to perceive signs of weariness or inattention in the person whom he addresses.
NEVER interrupt anyone who is speaking; it is quite as rude to officiously supply a name or date about which another hesitates, unless you are asked to do so. Another gross breach of etiquette, is to anticipate the point of a story which another person is reciting, or to take it from his lips to finish it in your own language. Some persons plead as an excuse for this breach of etiquette, that the reciter was spoiling a good story by a bad manner, but this does not mend the matter. It is surely rude to give a man to understand that you do not consider him capable of finishing an anecdote that he has commenced.
IT is ill-bred to put on an air of weariness during a long speech from another person, and quite as rude to look at a watch, read a letter, flirt the leaves of a book, or in any other action show that you are tired of the speaker or his subject.
IN a general conversation, never speak when another person is speaking, and never try by raising your own voice to drown that of another. Never assume an air of haughtiness, or speak in a dictatorial manner; let your conversation be always amiable and frank, free from every affectation.
PUT yourself on the same level as the person to whom you speak, and under penalty of being considered a pedantic idiot, refraining from explaining any expression or word that you may use.
NEVER, unless you are requested to do so, speak of your own business or profession in society; to confine your conversation entirely to the subject or pursuit which is your own speciality is low-bred and vulgar.
MAKE the subject for conversation suit the company in which you are placed. Joyous, light conversation will be at times as much out of place, as a sermon would be at a dancing party. Let your conversation be grave or gay as suits the time or place.
IN a dispute, if you cannot reconcile the parties, withdraw from them. You will surely make one enemy, perhaps two, by taking either side, in an argument when the speakers have lost their temper.
NEVER gesticulate in everyday conversation, unless you wish to be mistaken for a fifth-rate comedian.
NEVER ask anyone who is conversing with you to repeat his words. Nothing is ruder than to say, ‘Pardon me, will you repeat that sentence – I did not hear you at first,’ and thus imply that your attention was wandering when he first spoke.
NEVER, during a general conversation, endeavour to concentrate the attention wholly upon yourself. It is quite as rude to enter into conversation with one of a group, and endeavour to draw him out of the circle of general conversation to talk with you alone.
SPEAK of yourself but little. Your friends will find out your virtues without forcing you to tell them, and you may feel confident that it is equally unnecessary to expose your faults yourself.
IN speaking of your friends, do not compare them, one with another. Speak of the merits of each one, but do not try to heighten the virtues of one by contrasting them with the vices of another.
NO matter how absurd are the anecdotes that may be told in your presence, you must never give any sign of incredulity. They may be true; and even if false, good breeding forces you to hear them with polite attention, and the appearance of belief. To show by word or sign any token of incredulity, is to give the lie to the narrator, and that is an unpardonable insult.
NEED I say that no gentleman will ever soil his mouth with an oath. Above all, to swear in a drawing room or before ladies is not only indelicate and vulgar in the extreme, but evinces a shocking ignorance of the rules of polite society and good breeding.
AVOID a declamatory style; some men, before speaking, will wave their hands as if commanding silence, and, having succeeded in obtaining the attention of the company, will speak in a tone, and style, perfectly suitable for the theatre or lecture room, but entirely out of place in a parlour. Such men entirely defeat the object of society, for they resent interruption, and, as their talk flows in a constant stream, no one else can speak without interrupting the pompous idiot who thus endeavours to engross the entire attention of the circle around him. This character will be met with constantly, and generally joins to the other disagreeable traits an egotism as tiresome as it is ill-bred.
AVOID set phrases, and use quotations but rarely. They sometimes make a very piquant addition to conversation, but when they become a constant habit, they are exceedingly tedious, and in bad taste.
VULGAR language and slang, though in common, unfortunately too common use, are unbecoming in anyone who pretends to be a gentleman. Many of the words heard now in the parlour and drawing room, derive their origin from sources which a gentleman would hesitate to mention before ladies, yet he will make daily use of the offensive word or phrase.
BE careful in society never to play the part of buffoon, for you will soon become known as the ‘funny’ man of the party, and no character is so perilous to your dignity as a gentleman. You lay yourself open to both censure and ridicule, and you may feel sure that, for every person who laughs with you, two are laughing at you, and for one who admires you, two will watch your antics with secret contempt.
WHILE refusing the part of jester yourself, do not, by stiff manners, or cold, contemptuous looks, endeavour to check the innocent mirth of others. It is in excessively bad taste to drag in a grave subject of conversation when pleasant, bantering talk is going on around you. Join in pleasantly and forget your graver thoughts for the time, and you will win more popularity than if you chill the merry circle or turn their innocent gaiety to grave discussions.
IT is extremely rude and pedantic, when engaged in general conversation, to make quotations in a foreign language.
TO use phrases which admit of a double meaning, is ungentlemanly, and, if addressed to a lady, they become positively insulting.
IF you find you are becoming angry in a conversation, either turn to another subject or keep silence. You may utter, in the heat of passion, words which you would never use in a calmer moment, and which you would bitterly repent when they were once said.
‘NEVER talk of ropes to a man whose father was hanged’ is a vulgar but popular proverb. Avoid carefully subjects which may be construed into personalities, and keep a strict reserve upon family matters. Avoid, if you can, seeing the skeleton in your friend’s closet, but if it is paraded for your special benefit, regard it as a sacred confidence, and never betray your knowledge to a third party.
IF you have travelled, although you will endeavour to improve your mind in such travel, do not be constantly speaking of your journeyings. Nothing is more tiresome than a man who commences every phrase with, ‘When I was in Paris’, or, ‘In Italy I saw ––’.
WHEN asking questions about persons who are not known to you, in a drawing room, avoid using adjectives; or you may enquire of a mother, ‘Who is that awkward, ugly girl?’ and be answered, ‘Sir, that is my daughter.’
AVOID gossip; in a woman it is detestable, but in a man it is utterly despicable.
DO not officiously offer assistance or advice in general society. Nobody will thank you for it.
ALADY of sense will feel more complimented if you converse with her upon instructive, high subjects, than if you address to her only the language of compliment. In the latter case she will conclude that you consider her incapable of discussing higher subjects, and you cannot expect her to be pleased at being considered merely a silly, vain person, who must be flattered into good humour.
IT is a somewhat ungrateful task to tell those who would shrink from the imputation of a falsehood that they are in the daily habit of uttering untruths; and yet, if I proceed, no other course than this can be taken by me. It is of no use to adopt half measures; plain speaking saves a deal of trouble.
THE examples about to be given by me of exaggerated expressions, are only a few of the many that are constantly in use. Whether you can acquit yourselves of the charge of occasionally using them, I cannot tell; but I dare not affirm for myself that I am altogether guiltless.
‘I was caught in the wet last night, the rain came down in torrents.’ Most of us have been out in heavy rains; but a torrent of water pouring down from the skies would a little surprise us, after all.
‘I am wet to the skin, and have not a dry thread upon me.’ Where these expressions are once used correctly, they are used twenty times in opposition to the truth.
‘I tried to overtake him, but in vain; for he ran like lightning.’ The celebrated racehorse Eclipse is said to have run a mile in a minute, but poor Eclipse is left sadly behind by this expression.
‘He kept me standing out in the cold so long, I thought I should have waited forever.’ There is not a particle of probability that such a thought could have been for one moment entertained.
‘As I came across the common, the wind was as keen as a razor.’ This is certainly a very keen remark, but the worst of it is that its keenness far exceeds its correctness.
‘I went to the meeting, but had hard work to get in; for the place was crowded to suffocation.’ In this case, in justice to the veracity of the relater, it is necessary to suppose that successful means had been used for his recovery.
‘It must have been a fine sight; I would have given the world to have seen it.’ Fond as most of us are of sightseeing, this would be buying pleasure at a dear price indeed; but it is an easy thing to proffer to part with that which we do not possess.
‘It made me quite low-spirited; my heart felt as heavy as lead.’ We most of us know what a heavy heart is; but lead is by no means the most correct metaphor to use in speaking of a heavy heart.
‘I could hardly find my way, for the night was as dark as pitch.’ I am afraid we have all in our turn calumniated the sky in this manner; pitch is many shades darker than the darkest night we have ever known.
‘I have told him of that fault fifty times over.’ Five times would, in all probability, be much nearer the fact than fifty.
‘I never closed my eyes all night long.’ If this be true, you acted unwisely; for had you closed your eyes, you might, perhaps, have fallen asleep, and enjoyed the blessing of refreshing slumber; if it be not true, you acted more unwisely still, by stating that as a fact which is altogether untrue.
‘He is as tall as a church-spire.’ I have met with some tall fellows in my time, though the spire of a church is somewhat taller than the tallest of them.
‘You may buy a fish at the market as big as a jackass, for five shillings.’ I certainly have my doubts about this matter; but if it be really true, the market people must be jackasses indeed to sell such large fishes for so little money.
‘He was so fat he could hardly come in at the door.’ Most likely the difficulty here alluded to was never felt by anyone but the relater; supposing it to be otherwise, the man must have been very broad or the door very narrow.
‘You don’t say so! – why, it was enough to kill him!’ The fact that it did not kill him is a sufficient reply to this unfounded observation; but no remark can be too absurd for an unbridled tongue.’
THUS might I run on for an hour, and after all leave much unsaid on the subject of exaggerated expressions. We are hearing continually the comparisons, ‘black as soot, white as snow, hot as fire, cold as ice, sharp as a needle, dull as a door-nail, light as a feather, heavy as lead, stiff as a poker, and crooked as a crab-tree,’ in cases where such expressions are quite out of order.
THE practice of expressing ourselves in this inflated and thoughtless way, is more mischievous than we are aware of. It certainly leads us to sacrifice truth; to misrepresent what we mean faithfully to describe; to whiten our own characters, and sometimes to blacken the reputation of a neighbour. There is an uprightness in speech as well as in action, that we ought to strive hard to attain. The purity of truth is sullied, and the standard of integrity is lowered, by incorrect observations. Let us reflect upon this matter freely and faithfully. Let us love truth, follow truth, and practise truth in our thoughts, our words, and our deeds.
CHAPTER II
Politeness
REAL politeness is the outward expression of the most generous impulses of the heart. It enforces unselfishness, benevolence, kindness, and the golden rule, ‘Do unto others as you would others should do unto you.’ Thus its first principle is love for the neighbour, loving him as yourself.
WHEN in society it would often be exceedingly difficult to decide how to treat those who are personally disagreeable to us, if it were not for the rules of politeness, and the little formalities and points of etiquette which these rules enforce. These evidences of polite breeding do not prove hypocrisy, as you may treat your most bitter enemy with perfect courtesy, and yet make no protestations of friendship.
