Bleak Expectations (NHB Modern Plays) E-Book

Mark Evans

• Herausgeber: Nick Hern Books
• Kategorie: Poesie und Drama
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Seitenzahl: 110

Beschreibung

The story Charles Dickens might have written after drinking too much gin… Follow half-orphan Pip's extraordinary exploits with sisters Pippa and Poppy and best friend Harry Biscuit, as they attempt to escape the calculating clutches of the dastardly Mr Gently Benevolent, defeat the hideous Hardthrasher siblings, and deflect disaster at every turn! Will evil be vanquished by virtue? Can love triumph over hate? Mark Evans' stage play Bleak Expectations is a hilarious, chaotic caper, featuring dastardly villains, preposterous names, pulse-quickening romances, heart-rending death scenes, and definitely, probably, hopefully a happy ending. Based on the award-winning BBC Radio 4 series, the play opened at The Watermill Theatre, Newbury, in 2022, directed by Caroline Leslie. It transferred to the Criterion Theatre in London's West End in 2023, where it featured a medley of many well-known actors and comedians. It offers rich opportunities to amateur theatre companies looking for a gloriously daft Dickensian romp which will have their audiences joyfully transported and begging for more. 'Dickens with a dash of Monty Python… nimbly combines period detail with a sense of the absurd… immaculately polished puns and in-jokes' - The Times 'A fast-paced comedy mashup that sends up Britishness with oodles of silliness… zings with intelligence, imagination and comic anarchy' - Guardian 'Cheek-achingly funny… a ceaseless stream of quick one-liners that delivers laugh after laugh of pure entertainment… a great night out' - Broadway World

Leseprobe

Mark Evans

BLEAK EXPECTATIONS

NICK HERN BOOKS

London

www.nickhernbooks.co.uk

Contents

Original Production Details

Characters

Note on Text

Bleak Expectations

About the Author

Copyright and Performing Rights Information

Bleak Expectations was first produced by The Watermill Theatre, Newbury, in association with Anthology Theatre Productions and David Wolstencroft for Wolstencorp, and performed at The Watermill on 27 May 2022, with the following cast:

PIPPA BIN

Rose Basista

THOMAS BIN/ BAKEWELL HAVERTWITCH/ BROADLY FECUND

Colm Gleeson

HARRY BISCUIT/ SKINFLINT PARSIMONIOUS

J.J. Henry

PIP BIN

Dom Hodson

GENTLY BENEVOLENT

Simon Kane

AGNES BIN/ FLORA DIES-EARLY

Alicia McKenzie

SIR PHILIP BIN

Nicholas Murchie

POPPY BIN/ RIPELY FECUND

Caitlin Scott

THE HARDTHRASHERS

Dan Tetsell

Director

Caroline Leslie

Set and Costume Designer

Katie Lias

Lighting Designer

Andrew Exeter

Sound Designer

Yvonne Gilbert

Movement Director

Heriberto Montalban

Composer

Tom Pigott-Smith

It transferred to the Criterion Theatre, London, on 3 May 2023, presented by Anthology Theatre Productions, Glass Half Full Productions, Patrick Gracey and David Wolstencroft, with the following cast:

PIP BIN

Dom Hodson

HARRY BISCUIT/ MR PARSIMONIUS

J.J. Henry

POPPY BIN/ RIPELY FECUND

Rachel Summers

GENTLY BENEVOLENT

John Hopkins

THOMAS BIN/ BAKEWELL HAVERTWITCH/ BROADLY FECUND

Shane David Joseph

THE HARDTHRASHERS

Marc Pickering

AGNES BIN/ FLORA DIES-EARLY

Ashh Blackwood

PIPPA BIN

Serena Manteghi

COVER

Conor Dumbrell

COVER/RESIDENT DIRECTOR

Eric Mallett

COVER

Abigail Matthews

COVER/LILY

Emily Waters

Director

Caroline Leslie

Designer

Katie Lias

Lighting Designer

Andrew Exeter

Sound Designer

Ella Wahlström

Composer

Tom Pigott-Smith

Movement Director

Joyce Henderson

Casting

Lucy Jenkins CDG and

Sooki McShane CDG

Associate Director

A series of guest stars also joined the production, playing the role of Sir Philip Bin, including:

Tom Allen

Adjoa Andoh

Alexander Armstrong

Jo Brand

Julian Clary

Jack Dee

Craig Ferguson

Stephen Fry

Nish Kumar

Robert Lindsay

Lee Mack

Stephen Mangan

Ben Miller

Dermot O’Leary

Sue Perkins

Sally Phillips

Nina Wadia

Characters

SIR PHILIP BIN

AGNES BIN

THOMAS BIN

PIP BIN

PIPPA BIN

POPPY BIN

SKINFLINT PARSIMONIOUS

GENTLY BENEVOLENT

BAKEWELL HAVERTWITCH

HEADMASTER WACKWELL HARDTHRASHER

HARRY BISCUIT

REVEREND PRAYGOOD HARDTHRASHER (HARDTHRASHER 2)

BROADLY FECUND

RIPELY FECUND

FLORA DIES-EARLY

MISS CHASTITY HARDTHRASHER (HARDTHRASHER 3)

JUDGE SOLOMON HARDTHRASHER (HARDTHRASHER 4)

Plus:

BOYS

CRUTCH PERSON

MAN

Note on the Text

During the show, Sir Philip can pop up as and when necessary. And wherever feels best. And he can be in a chair or not in a chair at any point. Whatever’s possible, practical or funny, essentially.

Note on Doubling

In the original production, the Hardthrasher siblings were all played by the same actor; Agnes Bin doubled as Flora Dies-Early; Harry Biscuit as Skinflint Parsimonious; Poppy Bin as Ripely Fecund; and Thomas Bin as Bakewell Havertwitch, Broadly Fecund and the Vicar in the final scene.

Everyone available doubled as schoolboys; and the various smaller parts were distributed between the actors playing Agnes and Thomas.

But! This need not always be so. None of the parts need to be doubled if enough willing actors are available; or some can be doubled and others not; or you can change the doubling (for example, you could have one actor just play Harry all the way through, then have Parsimonious double with Broadly Fecund and other small parts). I do think that the Hardthrashers should always be played by the same actor… but, heck, you can even change that if you want! The main point is that everyone should have as much fun as possible…

This ebook was created before the end of rehearsals and so may differ slightly from the play as performed.

ACT ONE

VOICE-OVER. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Criterion Theatre and also to the nineteenth century for tonight’s tale of Victorian adventure. So: ladies, please ensure your ankles are safely covered at all times; gentlemen, please place your emotions in the bottle beneath your seat; children, please stop being educated and go and work down a mine… and, everyone, please gag their messenger boys or put them on hot-air-balloon mode. Thank you. And now please give a big nineteenth-century welcome – it’s the same as a twenty-first-century one but with shorter life expectancy – to the star of this evening’s show, Sir Philip Bin!

Our guest star enters as SIR PHILIP BIN. [Note: The set is shrouded in large cloths.]

SIR PHILIP. Thank you, thank you. Yes, indeed, I am Sir Philip Bin, a legend of the Victorian age, and a man who achieved many great things. I was a best-selling novelist – and far better than that hack Charles Dickens; I was a world-changing inventor; Queen Victoria’s secret, second husband; and I still hold the world record for Number of Politicians Punched in One Day – it was all of them. Best. Day. Ever. But though my later days are well documented, my early years have, until now, been a subject I have never discussed. Drink!

A white-gloved hand appears from off and hands him a drink.

And chair!

A chair slides on behind SIR PHILIP. He sits.

Parts of my youthful life are to be found in my books: A Story of Two Towns; Graham Grambleby; A Christmas Quarrel; Massive Dorrit – all my works contain clues. But I have never told the whole tale before… and it is one that needs telling, as its harrowing events trouble me to this day. Plus,

I have an unexpected tax bill to pay. So thank you all for helping with that.

He gestures to the audience.

To that end, with the help of my daughter Lily who has agreed to lend me a hand…

The white-gloved hand comes on again and waves.

…literally just one hand, as she is rather shy… tonight I shall conjure for you the people of my past…

The cast come on, lit as if memories or ghosts.

…and the locations of my long-ago…

The cast pulls the cloths from the set.

…as I tell you the story of my extraordinary early life. So, prepare to be thrilled by my young adventures, moved by my childhood suffering and shocked by the price of an interval ice cream as we begin by travelling back through the mists of time…

The stage fills with mist and smoke. SIR PHILIP wafts at it angrily.

…the incredibly annoying mists of time!

Lily’s hand appears holding a sign saying ‘Sorry!’

To one of the most significant moments of the Victorian era: my birth. As was traditional back then, I was the product of two people: my mother Agnes and my father Thomas.

THOMAS and AGNES stand next to each other. He kisses her on the cheek.

AGNES. And now I am pregnant.

SIR PHILIP. Shortly afterwards I came into this world like all male babies of the time fully grown and properly dressed.

Young PIP emerges from beneath his mother’s skirts.

PIP. Mother. Father. Delighted to meet you.

He shakes THOMAS and AGNES’s hands.

SIR PHILIP. I was soon joined by two sisters, Pippa…

PIPPA emerges from beneath AGNES’s skirts and stands next to PIP.

PIPPA. Excellent cervix, Mother.

SIR PHILIP.…and Poppy.

POPPY now pops out and joins PIP and PIPPA.

POPPY. Hi, everyone! Hope that wasn’t too painful, Mama. Hugsies?

She hugs her mother, then all three children curtsy to the audience.

SIR PHILIP. Then in line with government regulations of the day, my parents took up a new hobby of total chastity…

AGNES and THOMAS step apart and look at each other sadly and wistfully.

…though they did still occasionally and illicitly hold hands.

They hold hands illicitly and sigh.

My family name being Bin and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing more than…

PIP has joined SIR PHILIP and they say the next line together.

SIR PHILIP and PIP.…Flip-Top Bin.

PIP returns to his family as SIR PHILIP continues.

SIR PHILIP. This was shortened to ‘Ip’ then extended slightly again to ‘Pip’. And with my name established, my father decided to head abroad and seek his fortune in the recently discovered North Indies.

The children hug THOMAS goodbye, as he holds AGNES’s hand.

THOMAS. While I am gone, you must be the man of the family, Pip.

PIP. I shall try, Papa.

AGNES. Oh, Thomas! How can I hold your hand if you are abroad? I will need an arm hundreds of miles long!

THOMAS. But when I am rich I shall return… and then we may hold hands all the time! Farewell, dear family!

FAMILY. Farewell!

As he goes, he trips and falls. He bounces back to his feet.

THOMAS. I’m fine!

And he’s gone.

AGNES. Oh, my dear, clumsy Thomas…

SIR PHILIP. Once abroad, my father joined with two business partners and quickly found his fortune. He regularly sent money home, where it was looked after by a surprising person…

AGNES sits doing accounts. PIPPA enters and sees her.

PIPPA. Mama are you doing… accounts? How bold and modern of you!

AGNES. And of your father for letting me. For it is illegal under the Maximum Misogyny Act of 1803.

PIPPA. Then it shall be our secret. Though I find both it and you inspiring!

AGNES. Thank you, dear Pippa…

There is a brief, proto-feminist mother-daughter moment.

SIR PHILIP. We lived a splendid life. Our house was large and luxurious, and its rooms and corridors were filled with laughter and happiness.

PIP, PIPPA and POPPY skip onstage and stand and laugh, then stop.

PIP. Enough of this room. Now let us laugh and be happy in a corridor!

They run off again, laughing.

SIR PHILIP. It was the best of times; it was the best of times. Especially whenever Papa visited from abroad.

PIP, PIPPA and POPPY are playing. AGNES enters, THOMAS a few steps behind.

AGNES. Children, wonderful news! Your father is home!

CHILDREN. Yay!

THOMAS. Dear children!

CHILDREN. Dear Papa!

THOMAS. How good it is to see you. Pip…

PIP. Papa…

THOMAS. Pippa…

PIPPA. Papa…

THOMAS. And Poppy…

POPPY. Papa.

THOMAS. Ah, Pip and Poppy…

PIP and POPPY. Papa…

THOMAS. Poppy and Pippa…

POPPY and PIPPA. Papa…

THOMAS. Pip and Pippa…

PIP and PIPPA. Papa…

THOMAS. My Pip, Pippa and Poppy.

CHILDREN. Papa!

THOMAS. Now, I have presents!

CHILDREN. Presents, Papa?

THOMAS. Yes, pleasing presents for my progeny. For Poppy, a puppy…

He rummages in a bag and hands her a puppy.

POPPY. A puppy, Papa?

THOMAS. A puppy, Poppy. For Pip, a pipe…

He takes a pipe from his bag.

PIP. A pipe, Papa?

THOMAS. A pipe, Pip. And for Pippa… an anvil.

He hands her an anvil. She collapses under its weight.

PIPPA. Ow…

THOMAS. And now you must meet my two business partners! This is Mr Skinflint Parsimonious…

SKINFLINT PARSIMONIOUS enters. He is a Pickwickian figure, plump and be-whiskered. The children stand before him and curtsy.

CHILDREN. How do you do, sir?

PARSIMONIOUS. Bah, humbug…

He looks cross – but then hands PIP a sweet.

…for you, Pip, and toffees for you, Pippa and Poppy. And you simply must have these wooden fish and this novelty hat!

He hands the children these things.

PIP. Mr Parsimonious, I have noticed something. Your name is ironic. For it implies great meanness and yet you seem the most generous of men.

PARSIMONIOUS. Well spotted! For such cleverness you simply must have this book!

He hands PIP a book which he examines happily.

PIP. One Hundred and One Ways to Kill a Frenchman. How splendid!

THOMAS. And this is my other partner, Mr Gently Benevolent.

GENTLY BENEVOLENT enters. He is stern and mean.

CHILDREN. How do you do, sir?

BENEVOLENT. Cease your childish whining and get out of my sight before I have you all horsewhipped. With a real horse!

PIP. Ah, I see your name is also ironic. For ‘Gently Benevolent’ would imply a kind nature, yet you appear to be a complete bastard.

BENEVOLENT. I warned you! Prepare to meet my whipping horse!

He grabs a rope from off; there is a horsey whinny.

THOMAS. No, Benevolent! There is no time for punishment. We must hurry to catch our ship.

AGNES. You return to the North Indies so soon, Thomas?

THOMAS. No. We have exploited them so thoroughly that they no longer physically exist. Instead, we go now to… the South Indies! They are much the same, but with more penguins.

AGNES. Then we have no time to hold hands…

THOMAS. There is always time for that, my dear.

They smile at each other and hold hands.

AGNES. And might you want to quickly… check my ledgers?

She strokes her accounts book in a mildly saucy way.

BENEVOLENT. Enough of this weak and sentimental behaviour, Bin!

THOMAS. Love is a powerful thing, Gently.

BENEVOLENT. Not as powerful as a cannon. Now, come! Each second we dally is money lost!

THOMAS. Farewell, dear family! Farewell!

FAMILY. Farewell!

THOMAS follows BENEVOLENT off. As before, he trips and falls, then bounces to his feet.

THOMAS. I’m fine!

SIR PHILIP. Between Papa’s visits, life continued to be richly delicious, like a trifle sprinkled with money. Though there was one upsetting incident as we walked Poppy’s puppy at dusk in our local churchyard…

POPPY and PIPPA skip on. There is barking from offstage.

POPPY. Come along, Pip!

PIPPA. Yes, hurry up!

PIP. I’d be quicker if I didn’t have to carry your anvil, dear Pippa.

PIP staggers on laden with PIPPA’s anvil.