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Domestic Abuse is all too common. It happens to women and it is done to men. To recognise yourself as a victim is the first step, to get out of the relationship is the second. I have gone through the process of abuse. It is a process in which one person is worn down by the other until they virtually accept anything, and being aware is protection. I have also listed various means how to get out of the relationship.
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Domestic Abuse
It Happens to Women and Men
BookRix GmbH & Co. KG80331 MunichPrologue
At the completion of the presentation, a woman in her sixties approached one of the speakers. Softly she said;
“I never realised I was a victim of domestic violence until I heard your speech.”
Her remark, although startling to another member of the panel, was not to me, for most victims of domestic violence do not appreciate they are victims.
Over and again one will hear a woman say that her husband beat her because she ‘provoked it’ or ‘deserved it’ and that all violence suffered ‘was her fault’. No matter how severe the beating, her husband ‘didn’t mean it’ or that ‘it was for her own good’.
That is if one sees the bruises and knows the cause.
If one only sees the bruises, the victim will claim she fell down the steps, was in a car accident, any lie that comes to mouth to ‘protect’ her husband.
Many women make these excuses in a perfectly calm and certain voice. For many women refuse to accept they are victims.
For those unfamiliar with domestic abuse this lying by the victim to protect the perpetrator seems illogical. Yet victims refuse to believe they are the subject of domestic violence until...
they wake up in a hospital or abandoned on a road or claim to have fallen down the steps and realise this is the third time they are giving this excuse... or, like the woman at the seminar, hear an autopsy of their lives from another’s lips.
Only when the violence arises without the necessary brainwashing is it recognised and acted upon.
In most cases, the process of domestic abuse creates the perfect victim.
It is vital that one grasps the fact that domestic abuse is a Process, not simply an Act. It is a process in which the victim is worn down to the point that she believes the violence was deserved or provoked or not really violence.
Domestic Abuse is not only physical violence, and is not only practiced by men against women. There are men who are victims although their wives never used violence. This is because abuse is not simply physical.
I will define the abuse used by the sexes, beginning with male on female.
Chapter One
Making a Victim
He comes into her life like a tsunami. Within a short time he makes her believe that she is loved beyond all other women. She feels guilty because she doesn’t love him, or love him like that.
She appears to have the power to destroy him with a glance, a word, or silence. This power she has over him alters her perceptions. She feels in control.
It is this false sense of control he has inserted into her perception which will make her the perfect victim.
As time passes and she is empowered by his worship she enters into a relationship.
There is usually an early ‘glitch’ in which he will try to end the relationship. If she exhibits that she doesn’t want the relationship to end, he knows he has been successful.
If she accepts the end with a virtual shrug, he has lost and must move to another victim.
When she evidences she does not want their relationship to end he knows he has laid the groundwork.
Once the relationship is set, that is they have married or are living together in a fairly private and remote location, he can implement the process.
Always keep in mind, Domestic Abuse is a process, not an act. It is a series of actions, words, and behaviours, which, over time, allow the abuse to become ‘normal’.
The performance of making the potential victim feel ‘in control’ is a necessary deceit. It disarms even the most independent woman.
Once the potential abuser gets into the life of his potential victim, he will begin to reconstruct the relationship in a measured process in which positions reverse.
Emotional Abuse
This is the first action. It continues throughout the relationship until it no longer is effective. It begins with an attempt to make her cry. The beloved partner will say something, virtually off hand, to hurt and make her cry.
He may say, while they lay in bed; “I should have married your sister,” or something equally unexpected and discordant.
If she cries, he knows he has won. He knows that he can hurt her with a few words.
If this doesn’t work, if it results in anger and retaliation, he will try to distract; ‘It’s a joke’, or ‘you know I don’t mean that.."
In most cases, he picks the right words at the right time. And he gets the tears and the confusion he is after.
Usually, after causing the tearburst he will have ‘pity’ sex with her. He will not exercise this form of abuse for a short period of time. When he feels confident, he will launch another barb. As long as he can make her cry he need go no further.
Segregation
