The Gem Collector E-Book

P. G. Wodehouse

• Herausgeber: Jovian Press
• Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2017

Seitenzahl: 163

Beschreibung

Sir James Willoughby Pitt and Spike share a common but dark history-one in which both were jewel thieves. While Pitt has reformed, however, Spike still has quite a taste for mischief. When the two men join Spennie at his lavish family estate, not only is Pitt in for more surprises from his past, but he finds his hands full trying to keep the wayward Spike from indulging his larcenous temptations in their luxurious surroundings. Comedy, romance, and crime combine in this hilarious romp through high (and low) society, virtue and vice. Enjoy! Wodehouse is the greatest comic writer ever.

Leseprobe

THE GEM COLLECTOR

P.G. Wodehouse

JOVIAN PRESS

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Copyright © 2016 by P.G. Wodehouse

Published by Jovian Press

Interior design by Pronoun

Distribution by Pronoun

ISBN: 9781537809595

TABLE OF CONTENTS

CHAPTER I.

CHAPTER II.

CHAPTER III.

CHAPTER IV.

CHAPTER V.

CHAPTER VI.

CHAPTER VII.

CHAPTER VIII.

CHAPTER IX.

CHAPTER X.

CHAPTER XI.

CHAPTER XII.

CHAPTER XIII.

CHAPTER XIV.

CHAPTER XV.

CHAPTER XVI.

CHAPTER XVII.

CHAPTER XVIII.

CHAPTER XIX.

CHAPTER XX.

CHAPTER I.

~

THE SUPPER ROOM OF THE Savoy Hotel was all brightness and glitter and gayety. But Sir James Willoughby Pitt, baronet, of the United Kingdom, looked round about him through the smoke of his cigarette, and felt moodily that this was a flat world, despite the geographers, and that he was very much alone in it.

He felt old.

If it is ever allowable for a young man of twenty-six to give himself up to melancholy reflections, Jimmy Pitt might have been excused for doing so, at that moment. Nine years ago he had dropped out, or, to put it more exactly, had been kicked out, and had ceased to belong to London. And now he had returned to find himself in a strange city.

Jimmy Pitt’s complete history would take long to write, for he had contrived to crowd much into those nine years. Abridged, it may be told as follows: There were two brothers, a good brother and a bad brother. Sir Eustace Pitt, the latter, married money. John, his younger brother, remained a bachelor. It may be mentioned, to check needless sympathy, that there was no rivalry between the two. John Pitt had not the slightest desire to marry the lady of his brother’s choice, or any other lady. He was a self-sufficing man who from an early age showed signs of becoming some day a financial magnate.

Matters went on much the same after the marriage. John continued to go to the city, Eustace to the dogs. Neither brother had any money of his own, the fortune of the Pitts having been squandered to the ultimate farthing by the sportive gentleman who had held the title in the days of the regency, when White’s and the Cocoa Tree were in their prime, and fortunes had a habit of disappearing in a single evening. Four years after the marriage, Lady Pitt died, and the widower, having spent three years and a half at Monte Carlo, working out an infallible system for breaking the bank, to the great contentment of Mons. Blanc and the management in general, proceeded to the gardens, where he shot himself in the orthodox manner, leaving many liabilities, few assets, and one son.

The good brother, by this time a man of substance in Lombard Street, adopted the youthful successor to the title, and sent him to a series of schools, beginning with a kindergarten and ending with Eton.

Unfortunately Eton demanded from Jimmy a higher standard of conduct than he was prepared to supply, and a week after his seventeenth birthday, his career as an Etonian closed prematurely. John Pitt thereupon delivered an ultimatum. Jimmy could choose between the smallest of small posts in his uncle’s business, and one hundred pounds in banknotes, coupled with the usual handwashing and disowning. Jimmy would not have been his father’s son if he had not dropped at the money. The world seemed full to him of possibilities for a young man of parts with a hundred pounds in his pocket.

He left for Liverpool that day, and for New York on the morrow.

For the next nine years he is off the stage, which is occupied by his Uncle John, proceeding from strength to strength, now head partner, next chairman of the company into which the business had been converted, and finally a member of Parliament, silent as a wax figure, but a great comfort to the party by virtue of liberal contributions to its funds.

It may be thought curious that he should make Jimmy his heir after what had happened; but it is possible that time had softened his resentment. Or he may have had a dislike for public charities, the only other claimant for his wealth. At any rate, it came about that Jimmy, reading in a Chicago paper that if Sir James Willoughby Pitt, baronet, would call upon Messrs. Snell, Hazlewood, and Delane, solicitors, of Lincoln’s Inn Fields, London, he would hear of something to his advantage, had called and heard something very much to his advantage.

Wherefore we find him, on this night of July, supping in lonely magnificence at the Savoy, and feeling at the moment far less conscious of the magnificence than of the loneliness.

Watching the crowd with a jaundiced eye, Jimmy had found his attention attracted chiefly by a party of three a few tables away. The party consisted of a pretty girl, a lady of middle age and stately demeanor, plainly her mother, and a light-haired, weedy young man of about twenty. It had been the almost incessant prattle of this youth and the peculiarly high-pitched, gurgling laugh which shot from him at short intervals which had drawn Jimmy’s notice upon them. And it was the curious cessation of both prattle and laugh which now made him look again in their direction.

The young man faced Jimmy; and Jimmy, looking at him, could see that all was not well with him. He was pale. He talked at random. A slight perspiration was noticeable on his forehead.

Jimmy caught his eye. There was a hunted look in it.

Given the time and the place, there were only two things which could have caused that look. Either the light-haired young man had seen a ghost, or he had suddenly realized that he had not enough money to pay the check.

Jimmy’s heart went out to the sufferer. He took a card from his case, scribbled the words, “Can I help?” on it, and gave it to a waiter to take to the young man, who was now in a state bordering on collapse.

The next moment the light-haired one was at his table, talking in a feverish whisper.

“I say,” he said, “it’s frightfully good of you, old chap. It’s frightfully awkward. I’ve come out with too little money. I hardly like to—What I mean to say is, you’ve never seen me before, and——”

“That’s all right,” said Jimmy. “Only too glad to help. It might have happened to any one. Will this be enough?”

He placed a five-pound note on the table. The young man grabbed at it with a rush of thanks.

“I say, thanks fearfully,” he said. “I don’t know what I’d have done. I’ll let you have it back to-morrow. Here’s my card. Blunt’s my name. Spennie Blunt. Is your address on your card? I can’t remember. Oh, by Jove, I’ve got it in my hand all the time.” The gurgling laugh came into action again, freshened and strengthened by its rest. “Savoy Mansions, eh? I’ll come round to-morrow. Thanks, frightfully, again old chap. I don’t know what I should have done.”

He flitted back to his table, bearing the spoil, and Jimmy, having finished his cigarette, paid his check, and got up to go.

It was a perfect summer night. He looked at his watch. There was time for a stroll on the Embankment before bed.

He was leaning on the balustrade, looking across the river at the vague, mysterious mass of buildings on the Surrey side, when a voice broke in on his thoughts.

“Say, boss. Excuse me.”

Jimmy spun round. A ragged man with a crop of fiery red hair was standing at his side. The light was dim, but Jimmy recognized that hair.

“Spike!” he cried.

The other gaped, then grinned a vast grin of recognition.

“Mr. Chames! Gee, dis cops de limit!”

Three years had passed since Jimmy had parted from Spike Mullins, Red Spike to the New York police, but time had not touched him. To Jimmy he looked precisely the same as in the old New York days.

A policeman sauntered past, and glanced curiously at them. He made as if to stop, then walked on. A few yards away he halted. Jimmy could see him watching covertly. He realized that this was not the place for a prolonged conversation.

“Spike,” he said, “do you know Savoy Mansions?”

“Sure. Foist to de left across de way.”

“Come on there. I’ll meet you at the door. We can’t talk here. That cop’s got his eye on us.”

He walked away. As he went, he smiled. The policeman’s inspection had made him suddenly alert and on his guard. Yet why? What did it matter to Sir James Pitt, baronet, if the whole police force of London stopped and looked at him?

“Queer thing, habit,” he said, as he made his way across the road.

CHAPTER II.

~

A BLACK FIGURE DETACHED ITSELF from the blacker shadows, and shuffled stealthily to where Jimmy stood on the doorstep.

“That you, Spike?” asked Jimmy, in a low voice.

“Dat’s right, Mr. Chames.”

“Come on in.”

He led the way up to his rooms, switched on the electric light, and shut the door. Spike stood blinking at the sudden glare. He twirled his battered hat in his hands. His red hair shone fiercely.

Jimmy inspected him out of the corner of his eye, and came to the conclusion that the Mullins finances must be at a low ebb. Spike’s costume differed in several important details from that of the ordinary well-groomed man about town. There was nothing of the flaneur about the Bowery boy. His hat was of the soft black felt, fashionable on the East Side of New York. It was in poor condition, and looked as if it had been up too late the night before. A black tail coat, burst at the elbows, stained with mud, was tightly buttoned across his chest. This evidently with the idea of concealing the fact that he wore no shirt—an attempt which was not wholly successful. A pair of gray flannel trousers and boots out of which two toes peeped coyly, completed the picture.

Even Spike himself seemed to be aware that there were points in his appearance which would have distressed the editor of a men’s fashion paper.

“‘Scuse dese duds,” he said. “Me man’s bin an’ mislaid de trunk wit’ me best suit in. Dis is me number two.”

“Don’t mention it, Spike,” said Jimmy. “You look like a matinee idol.

Have a drink?”

Spike’s eye gleamed as he reached for the decanter. He took a seat.

“Cigar, Spike?”

“Sure. T’anks, Mr. Chames.”

Jimmy lit his pipe. Spike, after a few genteel sips, threw off his restraint and finished the rest of his glass at a gulp.

“Try another,” suggested Jimmy.

Spike’s grin showed that the idea had been well received.

Jimmy sat and smoked in silence for a while. He was thinking the thing over. He had met Spike Mullins for the first time in rather curious circumstances in New York, and for four years the other had followed him with a fidelity which no dangers or hardships could affect. Whatever “Mr. Chames” did, said, or thought was to Spike the best possible act, speech, or reflection of which man was capable. For four years their partnership had continued, and then, conducting a little adventure on his own account in Jimmy’s absence, Spike had met with one of those accidents which may happen to any one. The police had gathered him in, and he had passed out of Jimmy’s life.

What was puzzling Jimmy was the problem of what to do with him now that he had reëntered it. Mr. Chames was one man. Sir James Willoughby Pitt, baronet, another. On the other hand, Spike was plainly in low water, and must be lent a helping hand.

Spike was looking at him over his glass with respectful admiration.

Jimmy caught his eye, and spoke.

“Well, Spike,” he said. “Curious, us meeting like this.”

“De limit,” agreed Spike.

“I can’t imagine you three thousand miles away from New York. How do you know the cars still run both ways on Broadway?”

A wistful look came into Spike’s eye.

“I t’ought it was time I give old Lunnon a call. De cops seemed like as if they didn’t have no use for me in New York. Dey don’t give de glad smile to a boy out of prison.”

“Poor old Spike,” said Jimmy, “you’ve had bad luck, haven’t you?”

“Fierce,” agreed the other.

“But whatever induced you to try for that safe without me? They were bound to get you. You should have waited.”

“Dat’s right, boss, if I never says anudder word. I was a farmer for fair at de game wit’out youse. But I t’ought I’d try to do somet’ing so dat I’d have somet’ing to show youse when you come back. So I says here’s dis safe and here’s me, and I’ll get busy wit’ it, and den Mr. Chames will be pleased for fair when he gets back. So I has a try, and dey gets me while I’m at it. We’ll cut out dat part.”

“Well, it’s over now, at any rate. What have you been doing since you came to England?”

“Gettin’ moved on by de cops, mostly. An’ sleepin’ in de park.”

“Well, you needn’t sleep in the park any more, Spike. You can pitch your moving tent with me. And you’ll want some clothes. We’ll get those to-morrow. You’re the sort of figure they can fit off the peg. You’re not too tall, which is a good thing.”

“Bad t’ing for me, Mr. Chames. If I’d bin taller I’d have stood for being a New York cop, and bin buying a brownstone house on Fifth Avenue by this. It’s de cops makes de big money in old Manhattan, dat’s who it is.”

“You’re right there,” said Jimmy. “At least, partly. I suppose half the New York force does get rich by graft. There are honest men among them, but we didn’t happen to meet them.”

“That’s right, we didn’t. Dere was old man McEachern.”

“McEachern! Yes. If any of them got rich, he would be the man. He was the worst grafter of the entire bunch. I could tell you some stories about old Pat McEachern, Spike. If half those yarns were true he must be a wealthy man by now. We shall hear of him running for mayor one of these days.”

“Say, Mr. Chames, wasn’t youse struck on de goil?”

“What girl?” said Jimmy quietly.

“Old man McEachern’s goil, Molly. Dey used to say dat youse was her steady.”

“If you don’t mind, Spike, friend of my youth, we’ll cut out that,” said Jimmy. “When I want my affairs discussed I’ll mention it. Till then—See?”

“Sure,” said Spike, who saw nothing beyond the fact, dimly realized, that he had said something which had been better left unsaid.

Jimmy chewed the stem of his pipe savagely. Spike’s words seemed to have touched a spring and let loose feelings which he had kept down for three years. Molly McEachern! So “they” used to say that he was engaged to Molly. He cursed Spike Mullins in his heart, well-meaning, blundering Spike, who was now sitting on the edge of his chair drawing sorrowfully at his cigar and wondering what he had done to give offense. The years fell away from Jimmy, and he was back in New York, standing at the corner of Forty-second Street with half an hour to wait because the fear of missing her had sent him there too early; sitting in Central Park with her while the squirrels came down and begged for nuts; walking—Damn Spike! They had been friends. Nothing more. He had never said a word. Her father had warned her against him. Old Pat McEachern knew how he got his living, and could have put his hand on the author of half a dozen burglaries by which the police had been officially “baffled”. That had been his strong point. He had never left tracks. There was never any evidence. But McEachern knew, and he had intervened stormily when he came upon them together. And Molly had stood up for him, till her father had apologized confusedly, raging inwardly the while at his helplessness. It was after that——

“Mr. Chames,” said Spike.

Jimmy’s wits returned.

“Hullo?” he said.

“Mr. Chames, what’s doing here? Put me next to de game. Is it de old lay? You’ll want me wit’ youse, I guess?”

Jimmy laughed, and shut the door on his dreams.

“I’d quite forgotten I hadn’t told you about myself, Spike. Do you know what a baronet is?”

“Search me. What’s de answer?”

“A baronet’s the noblest work of man, Spike. I am one. Let wealth and commerce, laws and learning—or is it art and learning?—die, but leave us still our old nobility. I’m a big man now, Spike, I can tell you.”

“Gee!”

“My position has also the advantage of carrying a good deal of money with it.”

“Plunks!”

“You have grasped it. Plunks. Dollars. Doubloons. I line up with the thickwads now, Spike. I don’t have to work to turn a dishonest penny any longer.”

The horrid truth sank slowly into the other’s mind.

“Say! What, Mr. Chames? Youse don’t need to go on de old lay no more?

You’re cutting it out for fair?”

“That’s the idea.”

Spike gasped. His world was falling about his ears. Now that he had met Mr. Chames again he had looked forward to a long and prosperous partnership in crime, with always the master mind behind him to direct his movements and check him if he went wrong. He had looked out upon the richness of London, and he had said with Blücher: “What a city to loot!”

And here was his leader shattering his visions with a word.

“Have another drink, Spike,” said the lost leader sympathetically.

“It’s a shock to you, I guess.”

“I t’ought, Mr. Chames——”

“I know you did, and I’m very sorry for you. But it can’t be helped. Noblesse oblige, Spike. We of the old aristocracy mustn’t do these things. We should get ourselves talked about.”

Spike sat silent, with a long face. Jimmy slapped him on the shoulder.

“After all,” he said, “living honestly may be the limit, for all we know. Numbers of people do it, I’ve heard, and enjoy themselves tremendously. We must give it a trial, Spike. We’ll go out together and see life. Pull yourself together and be cheerful, Spike.”

After a moment’s reflection the other grinned, howbeit faintly.

“That’s right,” said Jimmy Pitt. “You’ll be the greatest success ever in society. All you have to do is to brush your hair, look cheerful, and keep your hands off the spoons. For in society, Spike, they invariably count them after the departure of the last guest.”

“Sure,” said Spike, as one who thoroughly understood this sensible precaution.

“And now,” said Jimmy, “we’ll be turning in. Can you manage sleeping on the sofa for one night?”

“Gee, I’ve bin sleepin’ on de Embankment all de last week. Dis is to de good, Mister Chames.”