Her Ladyship's Guide to Greeting the Queen E-Book

Caroline Taggart

• Herausgeber: Batsford
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2016

Seitenzahl: 211

Beschreibung

Choosing how to behave in unfamiliar situations is one of the many minefields with which modern life abounds. In this amusing yet practical guide to modern manners, Her Ladyship offers invaluable advice on every aspect of etiquette, both royal and everyday. With guidance on basic good manners in a range of situations, whether at home, at work or abroad, as well as advice on what to wear when, eating out and dating, you will never again worry about awkward or embarrassing encounters. If you've ever wondered how to meet and greet the Queen and other royals, how to correctly address party invitations or about elegant ways of sitting down, standing up and getting in and out of cars, this guide is for you.

Leseprobe

Her Ladyship’s Guide to

Greeting the Queen

Her Ladyship’s Guide to

Greeting the Queen

Caroline Taggart

For Ros, who understands Her Ladyship better than anyone

An Introduction to Her Ladyship

Her Ladyship emerged from genteel obscurity in 2010 with her Guide to the Queen’s English, in which she took readers by the hand and led them soothingly through the minefields of basic grammar, clichés and confusables. Since then she has published her views on Running One’s Home and The British Season, with advice ranging from getting grass stains out of cricket whites to the unwisdom of wearing heels so high they prevent you, heaven forbid, from walking or from curtseying elegantly.

Caroline Taggart has been Her Ladyship’s amanuensis since the beginning. In her own right she is also the author of the best-selling I Used to Know That, The Book of English Place Names, The Book of London Place Names and most recently a venture into the world of cake, A Slice of Britain. She is also co-author of the highly successful My Grammar and I (or should that be ‘Me’?).

Contents

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Basic Courtesy

At Home and at Work

Out and About

What to Wear When

Formal Dinners

Eating Out

Less Formal Parties

Calls and Visiting

Rites of Passage

Dating

Communication

A Concluding Note

Further Reading

Index

INTRODUCTION

Nothing more rapidly inclines a person to go into a monastery than reading a book on etiquette. There are so many trivial ways in which it is possible to commit some social sin. QUENTIN CRISP (1908–99)

Mr Crisp’s fears may be exaggerated, but there is no denying that choosing how to behave in unfamiliar situations is one of the many minefields with which modern life abounds. Etiquette has been defined as ‘the customs or rules governing behaviour regarded as correct or acceptable in social life’ or, more fancifully, ‘the key that opens the doors to greater social happiness’. It’s easy to think of it as old-fashioned at best and absurd at worst: after all, etiquette books from bygone days include such antiquated advice as what drinks to serve at afternoon whist parties (‘Sherry and claret cup can be provided in addition to tea and coffee’) or the correct way of raising a top hat (‘The unmannerly habit of touching the hat, instead of lifting it, is an indication of sheer laziness and a lack of gallantry’).

Until as recently as sixty years ago, in the days when young debutantes still made their curtsey to the reigning monarch, etiquette was drilled into the head of every child to whom it was likely to have the remotest relevance. When the time came for them to go out into the world, they would know the correct approach to every occasion, whether they were writing a letter to a friend or being presented to a visiting Ambassador. But as more and more informality has seeped into most aspects of life, so we have lost the training that produced that almost instinctive ‘polite’ behaviour. To a large extent, many of us would say, this doesn’t matter, because we give fewer afternoon whist parties and raise fewer top hats, write fewer letters and meet fewer Ambassadors than our grandparents did. But it does mean that every now and again – when we are invited to a smart wedding, for example, or come into contact with the Royal Family – we are unsure what is expected of us. It is partly to help the nervous to cope with occasions such as this that Her Ladyship offers the advice in this book.

Mention of the Royal Family reminds her that its members are probably more carefully drilled in etiquette than anyone else in Britain today, although some of the younger element seem to be pushing back the boundaries between ‘them’ and ‘us’ and taking a more flexible approach to their own roles. Where relevant, therefore, throughout the book Her Ladyship will consider the Royal Aspect – whether traditional or modern – of dealing with a potentially awkward situation.

Etiquette is not confined to replying to invitations, arranging the glasses on the table for a ceremonial dinner and dressing appropriately for Henley Regatta. Some of the ‘rules’ governing these matters have remained the same for generations; they may seem to the jaundiced modern eye to have no rational explanation, except that they have always been so. But the other aspect of etiquette is the sort of simple good manners that relies on consideration of other people’s wants and feelings; and this needs to adjust in order to cope with modern circumstances. It has been said that manners resemble language and fashion in that they adapt themselves effortlessly to social change; Her Ladyship would add that every now and then there comes along a social change that requires the invention of a new set of ‘rules’. (The fact that the Duke of Cambridge feels able to take part in an impromptu rock concert in a way that one can hardly imagine the late Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother doing shows that even Royal etiquette can and does change with the times.)

For example, the book quoted above on the subject of top hats was published in 1926. Its author, Lady Troubridge, although comprehensive in her coverage of the etiquette of the day, would have included no comment on a situation in which Her Ladyship found herself recently. She was queuing in the cafeteria of one of the major London art galleries. The woman two places in front of her, in the process of being served, answered her phone and began to talk animatedly. She completely ignored the young man behind the till, not even looking at him when she handed over her money. She managed to waggle a few fingers in thanks as he gave her her change, but went off with her tray without the tiniest blip in her telephone conversation.

It was a typical example of modern rudeness, though to be fair to the woman, she did begin by apologising (to her caller) for having missed a previous call. At least, Her Ladyship acknowledged, she had had the courtesy to turn her phone to silent in the gallery.

Her Ladyship was pondering this when she reached the head of the queue. Just as the same young man was taking her order, one of his colleagues appeared and started talking about what time he was finishing work that evening. Her Ladyship was served without there being a blip in that conversation either.

To Her Ladyship’s way of thinking, these were both examples of staggering discourtesy. What prevented the woman from saying, ‘Could you hold on a moment? I’m just getting some tea’ or the young man saying to his colleague, ‘Wait a second, please, I’m serving this customer’? The answer, in both cases, is lack of consideration for the other person involved, which is the simplest and most fundamental definition of bad manners.

Because there isn’t always a clear line to be drawn between etiquette and manners, this book hopes to cover both. It will offer guidance on ‘doing it right’ on formal occasions; and it will give – sometimes opinionated, always subjective – advice on the manners that enable us all to brush along more easily with our neighbours. Her Ladyship puts forward no grandiose claims about making the world a better place, but if this book encouraged just a few of her readers to give a little thought to the comfort of those around them and to look where they were going as they walked down the street, she would feel it had served its purpose. And, because apologising in advance is a useful way of defusing awkward situations, she will acknowledge that in the course of these pages she is likely to succumb to the occasional rant.

Throughout the book Her Ladyship has used the word ‘host’ where earlier writers have made a distinction between ‘host’ and ‘hostess’. She makes no apology for this. Many years ago, she attended a wedding where the groom had no male attendant but the bride’s sister officiated as ‘best person’; she also frequently attends dinner parties in the home of married friends where the husband does the bulk of the cooking and has long since felt that the gender specifics of much traditional etiquette are no longer relevant. That said, anyone who wishes to take her remarks as referring to one sex rather than the other is welcome (on their own head) to do so.

1

BASIC COURTESY

If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world. FRANCIS BACON, ESSAYS (1625)

Good manners make the world go round a little more smoothly than it might otherwise do; they should be accorded to everyone from Her Majesty the Queen to the check-out assistant in the supermarket or the council employee who sweeps the road. The most casual observer cannot fail to observe how charmingly members of the Royal Family greet anyone to whom they are introduced or whom they meet on ‘walkabouts’; Her Ladyship believes that many of Her Majesty’s subjects could learn a lesson in basic manners from this behaviour.

While there is no need to grovel (to Her Majesty or anyone else), using words such as ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘excuse me’ is likely to make people respond to you in a friendly and courteous way. Her Ladyship was recently in a small restaurant with a noticeably well-brought-up friend. The friend’s chair was uncomfortably close to those on the next table. Without making the slightest fuss, she tapped the nearest diner gently on the shoulder and said, ‘Excuse me, but could I ask you to move your chair just a couple of inches that way?’ The adjustment was made, light-hearted apologies and thanks were exchanged and everyone resumed their meals in comfort. The incident was forgotten for the simple reason that Her Ladyship’s friend had taken care not to create an incident in the first place. This considerate approach to others will see you through a surprising number of social situations.

Saying thank you

You might think it was impossible to overuse these simple words, but even they should be employed with discretion. Americans – and particularly American waiters – are programmed to say, ‘You’re welcome’ whenever anyone thanks them for anything, which becomes surprisingly tedious if it happens whenever a waiter refills your glass. Bear this in mind and moderate your thanks accordingly: thank a waiter when he puts a plate of food in front of you or for some particular service, such as picking up a napkin you have dropped. But don’t do it every time he performs the smallest aspect of his job.

On the other hand Her Ladyship believes that you should always thank:

•  a stranger who opens a door for you, gives way to you in a queue or performs any other such small courtesy

•  a shop assistant at the end of your transaction

•  a taxi driver

In cities not many people bother to thank bus drivers (although Her Ladyship has observed that they do in rural areas). But, particularly if you are leaving by the driver’s door, she recommends it as a courtesy that takes hardly a moment and is likely to be appreciated – not least for its rarity value.

Introductions

Tradition has it that a man is introduced to a woman and a younger person to an older one. Thus if you are performing the introduction say, ‘Rachel, I don’t think you’ve met Jonathan Black. Jonathan, this is my colleague, Rachel White.’ In these egalitarian days, when first names are almost universally used among the most casual acquaintances, it is worth remembering that some of the older generation still find this unacceptable when dealing with the young. If introducing someone to such a stickler, it is perhaps best to say, ‘Jeremy, this is my niece, Chloe Brown. Chloe, my neighbour Mr Green.’ Mr Green is then at liberty to ask Chloe to address him as Jeremy. Or not. It is always worthwhile mentioning that the people you are introducing are your colleagues, your neighbours or your nieces, to give them a starting point for conversation (see here).

If a person of rank is present or the occasion has a guest of honour, other guests should be introduced to him or her. The old-fashioned idea that a single woman (assumed by virtue of her singleness to be of inferior status) should be introduced to a married one has, mercifully, fallen into oblivion, and there are now no particular rules attached to introducing two people of the same age and gender.

When introduced, make eye contact, smile, shake hands and say, ‘How do you do?’ There used to be protocol about who should offer to shake hands and who should wait to be asked, but this has largely gone by the board unless Royalty is involved (see box). Her Ladyship always stands up and offers her hand when being introduced to another adult, whatever their gender.

‘How do you do?’, by the way, is not a question. The correct answer is, ‘How do you do?’ And making eye contact means just that: not a challenging stare, not a coy turning away of the head, but something relaxed and friendly between those two extremes.

An aside on making eye contact

Eye contact is an important part of all social intercourse, not just when you are being introduced. Her Ladyship, giving thought to writing this book and canvassing some younger friends for examples of behaviour they considered rude, was surprised to be told, ‘Someone wearing a pair of sunglasses when they’re talking to you.’ While she wouldn’t regard this as all-encompassing rule, she does draw her readers’ attention to the intimidating reflective sunglasses worn by characters in certain Quentin Tarantino films. The reason such glasses are intimidating is that they make eye contact impossible; unless the wearer needs the glasses for medical reasons, this fact makes them inappropriate in most social situations and certainly indoors. (When she says this, Her Ladyship is assuming, perhaps rashly, that none of her readers is a hit man or rapper by profession.)

Shaking hands

There was a time when ladies didn’t shake hands in the sense in which Her Ladyship understands the action – they simply laid their hand in that of the person they were greeting, barely gripping at all and allowing their hand to be shaken without making any movement themselves. Perhaps they were trying to avoid impaling the other person on their rapier-like jewellery, but Her Ladyship has always felt this was an act of condescension only one removed from offering a hand to be kissed. While she has no desire to have her metacarpals crushed in a hearty wrestling hold, she believes that shaking hands is a gesture between equals; if she wants to hold something damp and unresponsive in her hand she can inspect the stock at her local fishmonger’s. She also believes that some deductions about a person’s character may be made from the way they shake hands and has been known to take a (not entirely irrational) dislike to people whose offerings are either too limp or over-hearty.

Shaking hands is a gesture between equals; if she wants to hold something damp and unresponsive in her hand she can inspect the stock at her local fishmonger’s.

Introductions – the Royal Aspect

On being introduced to Royalty, a man should bow from the neck rather than the waist; a woman should bob a slight curtsey. The deep reverence with wide-sweeping skirt once required of debutantes is now suitable only for theatrical curtain calls. Remember, however, that it is very difficult to execute even a bob elegantly when wearing a short and/or tight skirt and, if you know a curtsey is going to be required, choose your outfit with this in mind.

It is bad form to offer to shake hands. The approach, if it comes at all, should come from the Royal personage. Be particularly careful in these circumstances to avoid a bone-crushing grip.

The Queen should be addressed in the first instance as Your Majesty, thereafter, should the conversation be prolonged, as Ma’am – pronounced ‘mam’, not ‘marm’. Other Royals should be addressed initially as Your Royal Highness and then as Ma’am or Sir.

For more about the etiquette of entertaining Royalty, see here.

Social kissing – Continental style, one kiss on each cheek, usually starting with the right – is now very widespread, particularly among women. Her Ladyship is inclined to think this should be reserved for people one knows moderately well, or, at the end of a small dinner party, as a farewell to people one has met for the first time that evening. She was surprised recently on being introduced to a group of twenty-somethings to be kissed on both cheeks by these (very English) young women. They obviously viewed it as an everyday, friendly way of saying hello and were greeting Her Ladyship as an equal. Impossible to take offence; difficult to avoid feeling that one was getting old.

Simply touching your cheek to someone else’s and ‘air kissing’ avoids the risk of leaving lipstick smudges, but may otherwise be regarded as an empty and insincere gesture. If you don’t want to kiss someone, confine yourself to shaking hands. Be aware, too, that kissing on both cheeks is less common outside London and the surrounding counties; if you do it in a remote part of Teesside you may surprise and embarrass the kissee.

Be aware, also, that different nationalities have different attitudes to greeting. What may seem light-hearted and friendly to you may be outrageously forward to a Japanese, just as American enthusiasm may seem excessive to the more reserved British. As so often in questions of manners, be guided by the other person.

Punctuality

Often described as ‘the politeness of princes’, being punctual is a basic piece of good manners for the non-Royal too. It is the height of discourtesy to expect other people to wait for you, as if your time were more important than theirs. It is, Her Ladyship feels, bad enough that the National Health Service takes this view of their patients without one’s relations, friends and colleagues doing it too.

Punctuality is perhaps more important in the workplace than anywhere else, because lateness may (rightly) be seen as a sign of inefficiency or disrespect. Make a particular effort be punctual for meetings and interviews. If you have to travel and know that the traffic may be heavy, simply allow extra time. It is far better – and looks far more professional – to arrive 10 minutes early and have time to gather your thoughts than to arrive 10 minutes late, flustered, out of breath and out of temper.

On the social side, an invitation to a formal occasion will always specify the time you are expected to arrive. For a wedding, christening or other ceremony, this is the time when the proceedings will begin and you should already be seated. It is a bride’s prerogative to be late on her wedding day, but unpunctuality from anyone else is decidedly lax.

An invitation to a meal may specify ‘7pm for 7.30pm’. This means that dinner will be served at 7.30pm; you should arrive any time from 7pm onwards for a drink and the chance to mingle first. With a drinks party from, say, 6.30–8.30pm, punctuality is less important: the party will start without you if you are late and go on without you if you have to leave early. While it is perhaps over-zealous (or suggests that you are desperate for free drink) to be on the doorstep on the stroke of 6.30pm, it is also miserable for a host to be standing around in an empty room waiting for guests to arrive: the better you know the host and the smaller the party is likely to be, the more considerate it is to be prompt. Many hosts ask a close friend or two to make a point of arriving on the dot to help get the party underway; in a business context, the person organising the party may ‘request’ colleagues do the same. (Her Ladyship puts the word ‘request’ in inverted commas because she knows of occasions when this invitation has been more in the nature of a three-line whip.) If you tend to feel shy in large gatherings or those where you don’t know many people, it is a good tactic to arrive promptly, before it becomes impractical for the host to introduce each new arrival to the guests already there. There are few things more daunting than walking into a room full of strangers who have apparently all known each other all their lives. Punctuality should help to prevent this.

If you are invited to a friend’s home for anything other than an informal drinks party or ‘at home’, you should aim to arrive within ten minutes of the appointed time. If you are going to be later, phone and warn your hosts. On no account arrive early without phoning first. The italics should indicate that this is something about which Her Ladyship feels particularly strongly. Your hosts are almost certainly putting the finishing touches to themselves, the table setting or the pudding and their carefully worked-out schedule may go awry if you appear too soon. Alternatively, they may be so well organised that they are having a welcome few minutes with their feet up – and they will not enjoy the party nearly so much if you disturb them.

The better you know the host and the smaller the party is likely to be, the more considerate it is to be prompt.

If you are meeting a group of friends in a restaurant or pub, punctuality matters less, but again it is courteous to warn people if you are going to be particularly late: they will find it harder to enjoy themselves if they are worried that you have been in an accident. If you are meeting only one other person – regardless of their gender or yours – being on time becomes important again: why should they sit around waiting for you? One long-standing friend of Her Ladyship, scrupulously polite in all other ways, is notoriously unpunctual. She recently hurried – late again – into a restaurant where they were meeting for lunch and asked apologetically, ‘Have you ever counted up the amount of time you’ve sat in restaurants waiting for me over the years?’ Her Ladyship hadn’t and wouldn’t – it would be too depressing.

Punctuality – the Royal Aspect

At a state banquet, guests are guided to a pre-dinner reception and presented to Her Majesty the Queen, other Royals and the guests of honour. They are then asked to proceed to the ballroom where (if the venue is Buckingham Palace) dinner will be served. All but the principal guests are at their places before the Royal procession enters and they remain standing while the National Anthem is played and the members of the procession take their seats. When dinner and speeches are over, a band of 12 Scots pipers processes around the tables and, once this ceremony is over, the Royal party leaves the room. On no account should anyone else leave before Her Majesty.

Apologising

The maxim ‘Never apologise, never explain’ is not one that will carry you very far in social life. If you are in the wrong or have caused offence, you should apologise. If you are the offended party, you should accept the apology. Her Ladyship would be the first to admit that this is easier said than done. But it is an excellent principle to (attempt to) follow.

As a rule of thumb, the more serious the offence, the more formal should be the apology. If you have caused damage – spilling wine on a sofa or breaking a precious glass – you should offer to pay for the cleaning or a replacement. But don’t let the accident ruin the evening for everyone else. Apologise at the time, return to the party, then reinforce your apology with a phone call, email or letter the next day. If the damage is covered by insurance, don’t breath a sigh of relief and assume you have ‘got away with it’. Send the person concerned a carefully chosen bouquet of flowers or other thoughtful present as a token of your remorse.

Make a mental note to drink less or be less clumsy next time you are in that person’s company. Then forget about it. Continued self-abasement will only bring an unpleasant memory back to the surface for all concerned.

If your offence has wounded a person’s feelings rather than merely damaging their property, you may be facing a more uphill struggle. In that case, Her Ladyship recommends that you give serious thought to writing a letter of apology. She had a colleague who risked losing a lifelong friend when she carelessly copied her in on an email containing a jokey but ill-judged personal remark. The friend (not unreasonably) took umbrage. A handwritten letter in which the culprit emphasised how sorry she was to have been hurtful and how much she valued the friendship eventually brought about a reconciliation. The very fact that she had gone to the trouble of writing, in this electronic, instant-messaging age, indicated to the offended friend just how serious she was.

An important note to the offended person here: once you have accepted an apology (even if you have made the sinner suffer for a while first), that is an end of the matter. Try not to let it rankle and, even if you don’t quite succeed in that, do not bring it up again.