Her Ladyship's Guide to the Art of Conversation E-Book

Caroline Taggart

• Herausgeber: Batsford
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2016

Seitenzahl: 182

Beschreibung

Wherever you are, whatever the company, the ability to engage and entertain your companions will always stand you in good stead. For many though, summoning up the courage to be heard in a crowded room, or seated next to a stranger at a dinner party, can test one's nerves to the limit. What to say, and how to put yourself and your interlocutor at ease requires a range of skills and Her Ladyship is on hand to help you through even the most difficult of situations. From a garden party amongst royals to a business reception, this book covers common mistakes of conversational etiquette and offers countless suggestions on how to keep the conversation flowing so that you become the most valued of guests. Her Ladyship considers the art of conversation in all sorts of contexts, from a chance encounter on a long railway journey to making new friends, and also takes account of the fact that more and more of our 'conversations' take place via text and email rather than talking. She covers: first impressions (from greetings, handshakes, body language and eye contact), introducing yourself (even if you've met them before!), making yourself sound interesting, suiting your conversation to the occasion, dealing with age differences, the art of listening, dealing with bores, and dating conversations. Advice and case studies will help make you the essential guest at any get together.

Leseprobe

Contents

Introduction

1 Before You Say a Word

2 Be Prepared

3 Introductions and Getting Started

4 Am I Boring You?

5 The Art of Listening

6 Taboo Subjects

7 Right Place, Right Time

8 When Body Language Isn’t There to Help

9 Words at Work

A Final Word

Acknowledgements

References

Index

Introduction

LIZA [to Freddy, who is in convulsions of suppressed laughter]:

Here! what are you sniggering at?

FREDDY: The new small talk. You do it so awfully well.

LIZA: If I was doing it proper, what was you laughing at?

George Bernard Shaw

In a famous scene from Shaw’s 1913 play Pygmalion, the inspiration for the musical My Fair Lady, the Cockney flower-girl Eliza is making her first foray into ‘polite society’ and trying to pass herself off as a ‘lady’. Her mentor, Professor Higgins, has given her strict instructions on what to talk about: ‘The weather and everybody’s health’. He intends her to stick to ‘Fine day’ and ‘How do you do’. Eliza, however, adheres to the letter rather than the spirit of his advice: she manages to tell a shocked upper-class tea party about a gin-addicted aunt who allegedly died of influenza, but whom she believes was murdered by ‘them she lived with’ for the sake of a straw hat.

This was in the time when the art of conversation was part of every young lady and gentleman’s education. So if it could go so disastrously wrong when etiquette was widely understood and firmly enforced, how much more difficult is it now that we are generally left to muddle through as best we can?

More recently, a friend of Her Ladyship’s reported her bitter experiences of the sort of dinner party organised to help single people meet one another. Time after time she had found it impossible to draw her companions out, despite the fact that they had come deliberately in order to meet people like her. What should have been harmless conversational openings (‘What do you do?’, ‘Where do you come from?’) turned into something like an interrogation, because the responses were so brief and weren’t followed by, ‘And what about you?’ ‘It makes you realise why some of these people can’t get partners,’ she said between gritted teeth. ‘They just don’t know the rules.’

So what, in today’s easy-going society, are the rules?

Perhaps the best way to begin is by considering what conversation is – and what it is not. A friend of Her Ladyship’s remembers fondly a snippet she overheard in her student days: two Oxford dons were crossing a college quadrangle and one was heard to say firmly to the other, ‘And nineteenthly …’

Her Ladyship confesses to considerable admiration for anyone who can follow a train of thought so clearly that they can keep tabs on nineteen points of it. But, she ventures to suggest, these two academics were not having a conversation. One, despite the informal setting, was delivering a lecture; the other was listening either meekly or with growing indignation and almost certainly waiting for his companion to pause for breath so that he could edge a word in.

Conversation, Her Ladyship believes, is like a game in whichthe ball is batted around among the participants: not rigidly back and forth, back and forth, as in tennis, but in a more relaxed, beach-volleyball style.

Another friend reflected on a ‘conversation’ he once had at a party with a woman who talked entirely about herself. Her activities, her holidays, her plans for moving house – whatever she had to say, she was at the centre of it. ‘I don’t like this woman,’ Her Ladyship’s friend thought, ‘because she clearly has no interest in me.’ That woman wasn’t having a conversation either.

From those two negative examples, we can move on to a positive one, summed up by Dr Johnson’s maxim that ‘the happiest conversation’ is one where there is ‘no competition, no vanity, but a calm, quiet interchange of sentiments’. It’s an invitation to someone else to engage with you, and an opportunity for you to engage with them. Conversation, Her Ladyship believes, is like a game in which the ball is batted around among the participants: not rigidly back and forth, back and forth, as in tennis, but in a more relaxed, beach-volleyball style. Everyone puts a hand on the ball when it comes their way, contributing their bit when they are in the best position to do so. No one hogs the ball – the rules of the game don’t permit it. But no one is entirely left out either. Good players – and good conversationalists – seem to know instinctively how to pass, making it easy for others to take over. Weaker players may fumble or drop the ball, or hit it in an odd direction so that someone else has to go out of their way to retrieve it. This can be annoying or embarrassing, so it’s important to keep the ball in play. Finally, and to revert to the ‘it’s not like tennis’ analogy, there is no place in this game for aces, smashes or double faults.

It has often been said – not least by Her Ladyship – that the essence of good manners is to make the other person feel comfortable.

But even if we basically understand these ‘rules’, the truth is that most of us hate the idea of walking into a room full of strangers, all of whom seem to know each other. It’s worst if we are on our own, but even if we’re not, it seems cowardly – and somehow wrong – to spend the entire evening talking to a partner or colleague. Yet whether we are on our own or part of a couple, it is often difficult to strike up conversations with people we have never met before. We don’t know what to say or how to say it and we can’t believe that anyone is going to care anyway. But there are tricks and techniques we can learn that will turn a potential ordeal into a source of enjoyment or even, in a business context, profit.

Conversation isn’t – or shouldn’t be – a painful duty or an albatross around anyone’s neck. It isn’t a test in which you pass or fail, achieve distinction or just scrape through. It can be about anything from Bach to Brussels sprouts, photography to the Periodic Table, and it’s a potentially joyous, life-enriching experience. Most of this book will be about social conversation – the kind you have with a stranger at a party – but it will also take in dos and don’ts of work conversation and a few tips on dating.

It has often been said – not least by Her Ladyship – that the essence of good manners is to make the other person feel comfortable. If so, then the essence of good conversation is to make the other person feel interesting. But it helps if you can make yourself sound interesting too. How to achieve these two objectives is the purpose of this book.

If the very idea has you squirming in your chair with embarrassment, please read on.

Before You Say a Word

From the moment I saw you I distrusted you. I felt that you were false and deceitful. I am never deceived in such matters. My first impressions of people are invariably right.

Oscar Wilde

It is said that most people will form an opinion of you within the first moments of meeting you. Some experts say this happens within as little as 30 seconds, others as much as two minutes. It doesn’t matter. The point is that, once the opinion is formed, it isn’t easy to make anyone change their minds. That first impression really is all-important. So how do you make it as positive as possible?

Let’s imagine you are going to a party where you are worried you will know very few people. It will help, of course, to be confident that you look your best. While it is always wrong to be overdressed, Her Ladyship assumes that you weren’t planning to wear an evening gown and diamond necklace to a midweek supper party. For most day-to-day occasions – and particularly if no dress code is specified – you can’t go far wrong with ‘smart casual’. If you know you look good in that little black dress or are more assured in a jacket and tie than an open-necked shirt, wear them. If you’re going to a private party, it may be wise to ‘mirror’ what your host and hostess are likely to be doing: if you know they tend to dress up a bit, do the same; if they are jeans-and-jumper people, it’s probably best not to wear a suit (unless you are coming straight from work, in which case you might make a point of taking your tie off the moment you come in the door). If you’re really worried, ring your host in advance and ask. But the most important advice – particularly if you are anxious about attending an event alone – is to wear something in which you feel self-assured and comfortable. This is not the time to try out that recent purchase that you suspect in your heart of hearts was a mistake.

When you get there

In the room where you leave your coat, or in the bathroom, give yourself a quick once-over before joining the mêlée. Obviously if facilities are limited you shouldn’t hog them, but it is worth taking a moment to spruce yourself up.

Check your hair, your make-up and your clothes. Make sure zips are done up and underwear is suitably covered. Examine the effect of any buttons you mean to leave undone: if in doubt, err on the side of caution and do one of them up. Stand up straight, chin up, shoulders back and stomach in – all those things you were told in gym or Pilates classes come into their own at a time like this. You aren’t aiming for parade-ground precision – that can be as off-putting as a slouch. You just want to look smart in a way that has nothing to do with dress; it will help you look confident and that should make you feel more confident too.

Take a couple of deep breaths, as if you were diving into a swimming pool, and plunge in.

Check your hair, your make-up and your clothes … You just want to look smart in a way that has nothing to do with dress; it will help you look confident and that should make you feel more confident too.

Once you are in the party room, don’t give your appearance another thought. Easier said than done, of course, but Her Ladyship assures you that fiddling with necklaces, hemlines or hair will make you look either nervous or flirtatious, at least one of which is not the effect you are aiming for.

The subject of introductions and introducing yourself will be dealt with in Chapter 3. For the moment, let us focus on the non-verbal aspects of your approach to others.

Smile

If you enter a room shrinkingly, as if you would prefer to remain unobtrusively in a corner, people are less likely to take notice of you than if you are wearing a confident smile (whatever inner turmoil it may be masking). If you can make yourself seem self-assured, strangers will think you are more interesting than if you appear to be apologising for daring to be in the same room as them. Or, to put it more bluntly, if you give the impression that you aren’t very interesting, people will believe you and steer clear.

If you do shake hands, do it as if you mean it … The happy medium involves gentle but noticeable pressure.

Shaking hands

It is rarely wrong to shake hands when you are introduced to someone for the first time, or when you encounter a business acquaintance. This assumes, however, that the other person doesn’t have a glass in one hand and a sausage roll in the other, or isn’t covered in charcoal from the barbecue. If it is obvious that a handshake would be inconvenient, a smile, a nod and a conventional greeting such as ‘How nice to meet you/see you again’ are perfectly acceptable. ‘How do you do?’ (to which the only correct answer is ‘How do you do?’) is becoming a little old-fashioned and should be reserved for formal occasions or when you are meeting someone who is likely to expect formality.

If you do shake hands, do it as if you mean it. Her Ladyship has a deep aversion to those people (and it is a common fault among women of a certain age and style) who lay their hand limply in someone else’s, as if the effort of even the slightest squeeze would require them to send for their smelling salts. At the other end of the scale, however, she would prefer neither to be crushed by someone who has modelled his approach on Arnold Schwarzenegger, nor to have her hand pumped vigorously up and down by someone who seems to think he will fill a bucket of water if he keeps going long enough. The happy medium involves gentle but noticeable pressure. Never offer your hand to be kissed unless you are of a rank that entitles you to wear a tiara or are being deliberately flirtatious with someone who will respond in kind.

When you shake hands, smile and briefly make eye contact. Don’t stare hard into the other person’s eyes unless you want to be taken for a Mafioso confirming an understanding about your next hit.

Most people would say that anything more affectionate than a handshake is inappropriate when meeting someone for the first time. Kissing on one or both cheeks in these circumstances is the preserve of the very young, clubbing set, while hugging – to the reserved British, at least – is too intimate until you know someone well. As always, however, there are exceptions to the rule: if you can in all sincerity say to someone, ‘I’m so glad to meet you at last – I feel I know you already’, you may choose to accompany this with a hug. But be guided by the other person: if you sense that this sort of effusion would embarrass them, hold back. And for maximum avoidance of embarrassment, never, ever offer to hug a teenage boy (especially if you are a teenage girl) unless he makes the first move.

Body language

Little things like the tilt of your head or shoulder can give away your feelings, making you look uncomfortable, critical, quizzical… You may not be aware of them, but they contribute to the impression others will have of you.

Body language signals

Here are some of the most commonly observed ‘signals’ that you may give off unconsciously:

• Folding your arms suggests you’re closed in, unapproachable. Open them a little and people will realise that you are ‘receiving’ them and open to conversation.

• Clutching your handbag in front of you makes you look nervous – are you expecting someone to steal it? In fact, any gesture that involves holding an arm, a glass or anything else between you and the person you are talking to looks as if you are protecting yourself from an unspecified attack.

• Don’t stand with your hands in your pockets: in addition to being slovenly, it makes you look bored.

• Standing with your legs apart can also give off aggressive vibes. No one is suggesting that you stand to attention, military style, but reasonably upright, with the feet no more than hip-width apart and the weight evenly balanced on both feet, is the smartest stance. Remember, you are thinking about first impressions: once those crucial moments have passed, you can afford to be more relaxed.

• Leaning away from someone suggests you’re uncomfortable with what they are saying, that you aren’t interested in their overtures or that they are invading your personal space.

• On the other hand, if you are sitting down, leaning slightly towards someone makes you look interested and engaged with what they are saying.

• Holding your head up gives an impression of confidence and alertness, but can easily be overdone: if you hold it too high you will seem to be ‘looking down your nose’ at people, while sticking your chin out can be interpreted as aggressive or defiant (unfortunate if you happen to have a long chin and nowhere else to put it, but worth bearing in mind nevertheless).

Unless the room is very crowded and you have no alternative, don’t stand too close to someone you don’t know well. As a rule of thumb, about a metre apart is comfortable for most non-intimates. You both have to reach out in order to shake hands, and are too far apart for anything more affectionate – which is as it should be. If you are crushed against someone you don’t know, make a joke of it and take the opportunity to introduce yourself: ‘This is cosy, isn’t it? I’m … and it’s lovely to meet you. I’d shake hands but I don’t think I can move mine.’ This should break the ice and may even enable one of you to suggest you move to another, less crowded part of the room so that you can talk.

Then there is the question of facial expression. How many times in a trashy novel have you read of the villain, ‘His smile didn’t reach his eyes’? Make sure yours does. One communications expert offers this tip for conveying enthusiasm when greeting a stranger: imagine that you have just spotted an old friend, someone for whom you feel great fondness but whom you haven’t seen for a long time. Your eyes will light up; apparently even your eyebrows will soften. Both you and your new acquaintance will be delighted.

On the other hand, don’t attempt to hold a smile for longer than feels natural. Once the corners of your mouth start to tighten and your teeth begin to grit, you can be sure that the ecstatic look will have left your eyes and your whole demeanour will be artificial. Relax and listen to what the other person is saying – if you can respond with warmth, you’ll be able to smile naturally again.

Eye contact

Everyone knows that avoiding eye contact makes you look shifty or at best unfriendly. Think about how you feel when your doctor stares at her computer screen throughout your consultation, as opposed to when she turns and looks at you. Think also how off-putting it is trying to talk to someone wearing mirrored sunglasses. You feel you can’t communicate because you can’t see their eyes.

Eye contact is important, but it has to be carefully managed.

Eye contact is important, but it has to be carefully managed. If you hold it for more than a few seconds, it can appear aggressive; but if you glance away when someone is talking to you it looks as if your mind has wandered. Try looking the person in the eye, then looking at their mouth and then back at their eyes. Give an occasional encouraging nod to show that you are paying attention and are interested.

If you are doing the talking, break eye contact every few seconds and flick your eyes to one side or towards the ceiling. This will make it look as if you are gathering your thoughts and intend to carry on. If you look down, it will look as if you have finished what you are saying and encourage the other person to leap in. This may sound very technical, but Her Ladyship assures you that it is not. If you take note of how you behave when you are chatting comfortably to a friend, you’ll probably realise you both do it automatically.

If you want to attract the attention of someone on the other side of the room, catch their eye and smile; perhaps raise your hand slightly in a low-key greeting (by ‘slightly’ Her Ladyship means not much above shoulder height – you are saying hello, not asking permission to leave the room). If they return the look, the smile or the wave, you can feel free to approach them: they would look away if they didn’t want to know. Don’t stare: that is not only rude, it can make you seem either threatening or a little crazy, or both. And bear in mind that prolonged eye contact produces a hormonal reaction that brings with it sexual overtones. Perfectly OK if you mean it; less good if you don’t.

All that being said, body language is not an exact science. The person you are talking to could be scratching her nose because it is itchy, not because she is trying to disguise the fact that she is telling a lie. Don’t obsess about any of this, but if you think you are bad at it, and making that good first impression really matters, practise. Practise in front of a mirror, or an ‘audience’ of a friend or two; if you’re obliged to do a lot of socialising or public speaking and are nervous about it, seek help from a professional communications expert.

Be Prepared

‘I certainly have not the talent which some people possess,’ said Darcy, ‘of conversing easily with those I have never seen before …’