How to be German - Part 2: in 50 new steps E-Book

Adam Fletcher

• Herausgeber: C. H. Beck
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2016

Beschreibung

With his first book, Adam Fletcher helped more than a hundred thousand locals and little Ausländer navigate the quirks of this charismatic land. Now he’s back with fifty new and advanced integration steps that explain the sticky friendship glue of Kaffee and Kuchen, the educational superiority of wood, and the rituals of the German Weihnachtsmarkt. You’ll learn how to blame the weather for most of your ailments, how to survive a visit to your local Baumarkt, why Germans take their kitchen when they move, and why you keep losing to them at table football. Adam Fletcher’s book is the ultimate, irreverent love letter to a nation that has got so under his skin.

Leseprobe

ABOUT THE BOOK

With his first book, Adam Fletcher helped more than a hundred thousand locals and little Ausländer navigate the quirks of this charismatic land. Now he’s back with fifty new and advanced integration steps that explain the sticky friendship glue of Kaffee and Kuchen, the educational superiority of wood, and the rituals of the German Weihnachtsmarkt. You’ll learn how to blame the weather for most of your ailments, how to survive a visit to your local Baumarkt, why Germans take their kitchen when they move, and why you keep losing to them at table football. Adam Fletcher’s book is the ultimate, irreverent love letter to a nation that has got so under his skin.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

ADAM FLETCHER

is a thirty-three-year-old, bald Englishman living in Berlin, Germany’s poor but sexy Hauptstadt. One of the country’s most enthusiastic students, he’s acquired several diplomas in recycling, potato preparation, and Schlager singing. In 2013, C.H.Beck published his bestseller How to Be German in 50 Easy Steps.

ABOUT THE ILLUSTRATOR

ROBERT M. SCHÖNE

is a German graphic designer, illustrator and hermit hiding in a cave in the picturesque town of Pirna, Saxony. Since the first part of How to Be German was published, he’s tried hard to get a “real” job. He still flat out refuses to wait at the red Ampelmännchen.

INHALT

INTRODUCTION

1. POKER FACE

2. FIND THE BEAUTY IN BREVITY

3. DO IT YOURSELF

4. SUFFER THIRD REICH FEVER

5. OSTALGIE-KAPITALISMUS-KONFLIKT

6. GET REPEATEDLY ASKED ABOUT DAVID HASSELHOFF

7. KAFFEE AND KUCHEN

8. NORMUNG

9. VERSCHLIMM YOUR BESSERUNG

10. DON’T GO TO OKTOBERFEST

11. GIVE MEN THEIR OWN OFFICIAL HOLIDAY

12. DON’T CELEBRATE REUNIFICATION DAY

13. DON’T OWN A MICROWAVE

14. TJA

15. MAKE FUN OF AUSTRIA; FEAR SWITZERLAND

16. THE GERMAN CHRISTMAS

17. WEIHNACHTSMÄRKTE

18. RESPECT THE EDUCATIONAL SUPERIORITY OF WOOD

19. FORECAST THE FUTURE WITH LEAD

20. BE TERRIFIED OF MOULD

21. CASH IS KING

22. SPENDING IS SILVER, SAVING IS GOLD

23. SUFFER CAR AND TIME BLINDNESS

24. RENT, DON’T BUY

25. EINSCHULUNG AND ZUCKERTÜTE

26. VOLKSHOCHSCHULE

27. BLAME THE WEATHER

28. IF THAT FAILS, BLAME YOURSELF

29. STAY PESSIMISTISCH

30. BE SCHAULUSTIG

31. PLAGIARISE YOUR DISSERTATION

32. PARADE YOUR POLITICIANS

33. LOVE SCANDINAVIA

34. REJECT PATRIOTISM

35. BE DOUBTFUL ABOUT THE EXISTENCE OF BIELEFELD

36. THE BAHN PURGE

37. FAIL AT FLIRTING

38. DRESS NORMCORE

39. WHEN YOU MOVE, TAKE YOUR KITCHEN (AND YOUR LIGHT SOCKETS)

40. FEAR BUREAUCRACY (IRRATIONALLY)

41. FALL DOWN THE GENDER GAP

42. RESPECT THE ORIGIN OF WORDS

43. GIVE YOUR SENF

44. THE APOTHEKE

45. UNBREAKABLE CONTRACTS

46. EXPERIENCE SPRINGERSCHMERZ

47. RESPECT THE ZIMMERMANN

48. PILZESAMMELN

49. KASSEKEGELN

50. BECOME A KICKER MAESTRO

INTRODUCTION

Welcome back, my little Ausländer.

I’ve been watching you these past few years. You’ve integrated very well, indeed. You’re a credit to this fine nation, blending inconspicuously amongst its Dichter, Denker, and Döner. You’re separating your plastic from your paper and your Akkusativ from your Dativ with great aplomb. As a result, you might be surprised to hear from me again. We’re done, Adam, aren’t we? I’ve integrated your first fifty steps into my Alltag. You should see how many ways I can prepare potato, Adam. How long it’s been since I drank liquid that didn’t fizz. How many new qualifications and insurances I now have. I never resist a chance to klugscheiß…

Not so fast.

The work of cultural assimilation never ends. It’s a lifelong commitment. Just when you think you’ve got a handle on a nation’s psyche, it squirms out of your grasp and runs off to reinvent itself once again. This is especially true here, in our beloved fatherland. It’s only been three years since How to Be German 1 took its place on the bestsellers list, and yet already so much has changed:

In a desperate attempt to re-brand themselves as anything other than efficient, frugal engineering marvels, the German government initiated some of the most spectacularly inept development projects in recent history—namely The Hamburg Philharmonic and The BER Airport. Collectively, these projects are years and billions over budget. An expensive anti-PR initiative, some might say, which perhaps tells you how being seen as the planet’s most ordentliche people can really get to you after a while.

Deciding to kick itself while it was down, Germany then crashed the world’s faith in its auto industry. The home of car makers, car lovers, and carnivores learnt that Volkswagen had been cheating on its emission tests, deliberately over-poisoning the Umwelt. The response was, well, mostly bafflement. We put down our Bionade, finished sorting our Altpapier from our Plastik and looked on, confused as to why this sort of nonsense was happening here. To us. And not in the USA where it would at least have been expected.

In a remarkable act of unexpected reasonableness, Germany responded to 2015’s humanitarian crisis (in which so many others lost their heads) by becoming the wir schaffen das nation. While other countries strafed to the right, building new walls and fences, Germany continued pulling them down, opening its doors, tents, and (most) of its hearts as a million new citizens arrived—citizens attracted to the strong legal and social systems, quality of life, lack of devastating civil war, and Bielefeld.

Germany’s far right, largely in response to this sudden influx of new, often bearded Mitbewohner, mobilised itself on the streets of Dresden under the banner of PEGIDA, and did some marching. Marching that then spread out to other cities, towns, and social media, where, ironically, it did succeed in exiling something—cute cat videos and selfies from our previously less politicised Facebook timelines. It got serious. There was hate. Lots of hate.

Angela Merkel was voted Time person of the year. The New York Times said, “There’s a new can-do nation. It’s called Germany.” The Economist trumped that with, “If a country can ever be said to be good, Germany today can.” Außenpolitik clashed with Innere Angst as eighty million Germans were left bemused by this sudden, un-forecasted praise tsunami, assuming it would pass and they could return once again to the more comfortable position of repentant former bad guys.

In short, it’s just as fascinating a time to be trying to understand Germany as when the first book came out. Actually, even more so, since, with the basics already covered in book 1, we’re free to cancel the holiday to Malle, kick off our Jack Wolfskin shrousers, put down our cold glass of Apfelsaftschorle and swim out from the shallower Teutonic stereotypes into the darker, murkier, deeper waters of the German psyche. Accordingly, the fifty steps that follow are a little more complicated and subtle than those of the first book. Maybe a few less of the natives will admit to them. But they’re all there, if you look closely and prod a little more forcefully. After all, we’re not Anfänger anymore, Ausländer. This is the Profi edition. It’s time to step it up a bit.

Don’t worry, wir schaffen das…

P. S. Oh, and Germany also won another major football tournament! A little bit greedy now, guys.