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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2018
Rediscover kindness and rediscover your worth Have you ever helped someone out of instinct, because not helping never even occurred to you? Remember how surprised you were at their gratitude? It is easy to feel like kindness and gratitude are becoming rare in the world today, but the truth is that it is all around you -- you just need to learn how to see it. Kindness shows you how to do just that, and inspires you to take part with tips, ideas, recommendations and advice. You will learn to see yourself and your surroundings in a kinder, happier way. Kindness is not people-pleasing; people-pleasing comes from a place of anxiety, while kindness is borne out of empathy. Kindness expects no reward or recognition, and is just as beneficial to the giver as the receiver. Kindness can be a grand gesture, or something as simple as a smile. It can be quiet or loud, simple or complex. This book helps you internalise the fundamental truth that kindness does not require wealth or possessions, or material giving at all -- whatever you have to offer is enough, and it may just change someone's life. Learn how to: * See the silver lining and take care of yourself in difficult times. * Do and say kind things when you're not feeling very kindly. * Sustain the warm feelings that come from helping others. * Express kindness even when other people are rude or critical. * Enjoy self-care and treating yourself. Opportunities to be kind present themselves every day, and here you'll learn how to notice them. Your self-esteem and confidence will grow as you discover the pure joy of helping others, and you'll feel more comfortable allowing others to help you. In a world where kindness seems to get lost in the shuffle of worry, anxiety, aggression and worse, Kindness shows you how to bring it back into the light.
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Kindness
Change your life and make the world a kinder place
Gill Hasson
This edition first published 2018
© 2018 Gill Hasson
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Gill Hasson has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the author of this Work.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, except as permitted by the UK Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, without the prior permission of the publisher.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Hasson, Gill, author.Title: Kindness : change your life and make the world a kinder place / by Gill Hasson.Description: Hoboken, NJ ; Chichester, UK : John Wiley & Sons, 2018. | Includes index. |Identifiers: LCCN 2018003945 (print) | ISBN 9780857087522 (pbk.)Subjects: LCSH: Kindness. | Conduct of life.Classification: LCC BJ1533.K5 (ebook) | LCC BJ1533.K5 H37 2018 (print) | DDC 177/.7--dc23LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018003945
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
ISBN 978-0-857-08752-2 (pbk)ISBN 978-0-857-08767-6 (ebk)ISBN 978-0-857-08766-9 (ebk)Cover Design: Wiley
To my grandmother Yá Lily and her sister, my great aunt, Theía Litsa.
Contents
Introduction
We need more kindness!
PART 1 Being Kind to Others
1 Being Kind
What gets in the way of being kind?
Limits of kindness
Benefits of kindness
Aspects of kindness
In a nutshell
2 Kindness and Empathy
Empathy
Develop your empathy
Challenges to empathy
Limits to empathy
Do something
Be a good listener
What to say? Do’s and don’ts
Giving advice and information: do’s and don’ts
What to do? Do’s and don’ts
Do what you’re good at; don’t do what you’re no good at
In a nutshell
3 Go Out of Your Way to Make a Difference
Be welcoming, approachable and inclusive
What to say
Go the extra mile; be generous
Be generous with your encouragement
Support others; mentoring and advocating
Share your knowledge and skills
Advocate
Speak out
Express your appreciation
Giving praise and compliments
Compliments and praise
Don’t just express appreciation, show it
Make kindness a habit
In a nutshell
4 Kindness and Respect
Respect the choices, abilities and limits of others
Be non-judgmental
Replace judgment with kindness
Empathise
Acceptance
Being patient
Being tactful
Giving feedback. Kindly
Giving criticism. Kindly
Letting someone down/disappointing them
Giving bad news
In a nutshell
5 Be Kind When Others are Rude and Inconsiderate
Why are people rude?
Forgiving
Suspend judgment
Empathise
Don’t sweat the small stuff!
Be assertive, not unkind
Kindness in the face of criticism
Shutting someone up. Kindly
How to end a friendship. Kindly
In a nutshell
Part II Being Kind to Yourself
6 Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself; Be Kind
Respect yourself
Self-empathy and perspective
Take responsibility and learn from it
Self-acceptance
Avoid the comparison trap
Think positive
Learn from your mistakes
In a nutshell
7 Kindness When Your Life is Really Difficult
Understanding sadness
Take the pressure off
Indulge yourself with comfort and reassurance
Moving on
Kindness when you’re ill or injured
Let others take care of you
Ease back into your life
In a nutshell
8 Feel Good About Yourself
Identify and acknowledge your strengths
Recognise your efforts and achievements
Take a compliment
Do more of what you enjoy
Gratitude
In a nutshell
Useful Websites
About the Author
Index
EULA
Guide
Cover
Table of Contents
Chapter
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e1
Introduction
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
comedian John Foster Hall, quoted by W. H. Auden
We need more kindness!
It’s easy to think that bad things happen in the world all the time; a continual stream of headlines describing all sorts of horrors and wrongdoings can keep us in a near permanent state of worry and mistrust. Sometimes it can feel like everyone’s out to get each other. Having to deal with constantly horrifying news is not good for any of us. But what, if anything, can you do about it all?
In his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey explains the concept of the ‘Circle of Concern’ and the ‘Circle of Influence’. The Circle of Concern is the area that we have no control over but that we often spend time and energy getting caught up in; getting wound up and worried about.
A wide range of events – the economy, war and terrorism, the behaviour of celebrities, sports stars and politicians, for example – fall into the Circle of Concern. You have little or no control over these events, but you can easily consume more and more information about them. It drains your time and energy and can leave you feeling stressed, helpless and negative simply because you have little or no control over these events.
The Circle of Influence, on the other hand, is the area that you do have control over. It involves the issues and events that you can influence in your daily life: where you go, what you do and, most importantly, your interactions with family and friends, colleagues and neighbours – the people you talk to or meet each day. You can do something about the issues, events and people in your Circle of Influence. You can be kind.
Instead of reacting to or worrying about people and events over which you have little or no control, you can focus your time and energy on things you can control. You can reach out to others and make a positive difference: you can be kind.
Think of a time you helped out another person. What did you do? Maybe you helped someone with some work they were struggling with. Perhaps you explained something to someone and made a difficult concept easier to understand. Were you able to help someone in need; someone in pain or distress? Perhaps you simply did someone a favour. Whatever it was, after you’d helped them, how did you feel? How did you feel about yourself, the other person and the world?
Although kindness and consideration expect no reward or recognition, being aware of and doing something to benefit someone else can make you and the person you are helping feel good. Chapter 1 of Kindness explains the many benefits of being kind; it explains how acts of kindness helps people feel respected, valued and worthy. It helps them to feel connected to others; to feel they’re included, they belong and are appreciated. Kindness helps make people happy. In fact, kindness is contagious: experiencing, seeing or hearing about acts of kindness inspires others to do something kind themselves.
How, though, do you learn to be kind? You already are! It’s innate in each and every one of us to be kind – to show care and concern, to want to help others. Kindness is in you and it’s all around you. You just need to be more aware of it and use it more often. Kindness shows you how.
There are two parts to this book: Part 1 explains how to reach out to others and show your sympathy and empathy, your care, concern and consideration. You’ll learn the importance of being welcoming to others; how to include them, be supportive and encouraging, and not just say thanks and express appreciation for what someone does for you, but to show appreciation.
There are limits to kindness though. Kindness isn’t synonymous with weakness. You can be kind, considerate, generous and compassionate without being walked all over. Being kind is not about being a people pleaser – people pleasing is not coming from a genuine place of kindness; people pleasing is actually meeting your own need to be liked, rather than just wanting to make a positive difference.
Although there are situations and circumstances where an act of kindness on your part may mean putting yourself out, you’re encouraged to do whatever feels natural and within your ability; to contribute what you’re good at, not what you’re no good at doing or not able to give.
Sometimes, though, the limits of your kindness may already be self-imposed. Are you only nice to people who you like, or who are like you? Do you divide people into those who are worthy of your goodwill and those who are not?
It’s not always easy to be kind to others; when you disagree or disapprove of how someone is living their life; when they are doing or not doing something in the same way you would. Chapter 4 explains the need to respect the choices, abilities, and limits of others; to replace your assumptions and judgments with acceptance, patience and tact.
Being tactful – knowing what’s appropriate to say or do to avoid giving offence – is also a useful skill for dealing with difficult or delicate situations. Whether it’s letting someone down and disappointing them or giving bad news, Chapter 4 explains how you can do this with tact and kindness.
Being kind to people when you have bad news is difficult enough. But the biggest kindness challenge is when others are behaving badly towards you: when they’re rude; being disrespectful or belittling, irritating or deliberately annoying. If only there were a way to make all those rude, horrible people go and live on an island together so you didn’t have to deal with them! But there isn’t. Chapter 5 explains how to avoid meeting rudeness with rudeness – how to avoid being unkind when others are thoughtless and inconsiderate or just downright deliberately rude. You’ll read about how to be assertive, not unkind, when other people are out of order. Kindness can turn a negative situation into a positive one; if you can show a kindness to someone even though they’re being unreasonable, it can make you both feel better.
In fact, being kind to others encourages you to be kind to yourself! Part 2 of Kindness explains how. It starts by looking at ways to feel good about yourself. You’re encouraged to identify, acknowledge and appreciate your strengths, your efforts, achievements and the blessings in your life.
Reflecting on what you do well and the good things in your life is self-kindness; it’s uplifting. How often, though, do you give yourself a hard time when you make a mistake, when you screw up or when you’re finding it difficult to cope? Berating and blaming yourself, having regrets and feeling guilty isn’t exactly uplifting; it doesn’t provide you with what you need most: kindness, hope and encouragement.
You wouldn’t berate a friend when they made a mistake. You wouldn’t be that unkind. So why be so unkind to yourself? Chapter 7 explains how, when things are difficult, you can treat yourself with the same kindness, respect and support you would give a good friend that you care about.
The last chapter – Chapter 8 – discusses the importance of self-kindness, self-care and self-compassion when you’re going through a really tough time; when you’ve suffered a loss, a major change in your life, you’re ill or injured. It’s times like these that you need comfort and reassurance, kindness and compassion, not just from other people but from yourself, too.
Being kind to yourself and being kind to others, though it won’t undo all the sadness and mitigate the horrors, can help lessen their force or intensity. Kindness absolutely does help make a positive difference. If only for a moment, or a few minutes, kindness counts. With kindness comes hope. Hope that things will improve; that the world can be a better place.
PART 1Being Kind to Others
1Being Kind
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelou
You have the power to make the world a nicer place!
Being kind – being aware of, and doing something nice to benefit, someone else – can make both you and the person you are helping feel good.
Of course, holding a door open for someone or waiting your turn in a queue is being nice. In fact, just like saying please and thank you when you request or receive something, or saying ‘excuse me’ to get attention, holding the door open or waiting your turn in a queue is just plain good manners. So is asking people about their lives and interests, not just talking about your own.
As small children, we’re taught good manners – we’re told to say please and thank you, not to interrupt someone when they’re talking, to share our things and to apologise if we do something wrong. We’re constantly reminded to be polite and courteous.
What makes for good manners varies from culture to culture – in many societies it’s the custom to remove your shoes before entering someone else’s home. In some cultures it’s considered rude or offensive to extend your left hand, rather than your right, in greeting. And if you’re invited into someone’s home, it’s impolite to come without a gift. But wherever in the world you are, good manners are simply showing basic social skills and consideration.
So how is kindness any different? Kindness happens when you make a situation easier or less difficult for someone. Kindness involves selfless acts that either assist or lift the spirits of someone else. Kindness, like good manners and consideration, comes from a position of goodwill – wanting to do good, to do the right, proper, honourable thing. But acts of kindness are often less automatic and less formal than good manners. Kindness can be planned and thought out in advance, but often kind acts are spontaneous.
There need be no reason to be kind other than to make someone else smile, or be happier, but acts of kindness can also enable others to feel respected and included; to feel that they are connected to others, that they belong and are appreciated.
Whoever we are, whatever our position in life, the one concern we all have in common is how we behave towards others. We can relate to others from, for example, positions of indifference, greed, jealousy or hatred. Or we can relate to others with kindness, consideration and compassion.
What gets in the way of being kind?
Are you aware of how you relate to others throughout the day? Is it with kindness? Every day, there’s potential for kindness in pretty much every encounter and interaction with other people. Often, though, we hurry through our day so focused on what we’ve got to do that the opportunities to interact kindly with others – with an assistant in the shop or cafe, the receptionist at the front office, an irritating family member or troubled colleague – are often forgotten or even deliberately ignored. We’re just too self-involved.
Of course, you probably don’t find it easy to be kind when you’re wound up, tired or stressed. It’s not just you though. We all find it difficult to think in kind, helpful ways when we feel stressed and overwhelmed. In all of us, the part of the brain (the amygdala) that’s triggered when strong emotions arise – when we feel wronged in some way or when we feel stressed and agitated – is different from the part of the brain (the neo-cortex) that operates in rational and reasonable ways and enables us to remain calm, thoughtful and considerate.
When we feel emotions such as anger or guilt, when we’re stressed or upset, it’s not easy to be kind and considerate because the amygdala has taken over. Our ability to think in a clear, calm, rational way has been switched off.
When this happens, it’s not easy to notice that someone might be in need of kindness. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible. In fact, on occasions like these – when you’re angry, stressed or upset – forcing yourself to do a small act of kindness can actually be the catalyst that precipitates a change in how you’re feeling.
But it’s not just being stressed or too busy that gets in the way of being kind. There are other reasons. Perhaps you hesitated to reach out with an act of kindness because you didn’t think it would make much of a difference to the other person.
Or perhaps you weren’t sure how the other person would take it; you were worried you’d say or do the wrong thing. You knew they’d had some bad news but you didn’t want to say the wrong thing. You didn’t want to upset them further, so you said nothing. Maybe you had an opportunity to be kind, but you thought the other person might think you were being patronising – you didn’t want to risk offending them. Maybe, for example, there was an occasion when your offer to help someone carry something resulted in the other person snapping, ‘I can do it myself. I don’t need your help thank you very much.’ So the next time you saw someone struggling to carry something, you looked the other way.
Perhaps, though, you just don’t want to get too involved. If, for example, you were to offer a colleague a lift home from work one day, that might set a precedent; the other person might expect you to do it regularly. How will you get out of that? Wouldn’t it be better just not to offer in the first place?
Yes, there are often difficulties and challenges to being kind, but you can take a positive approach; believe and expect that you can often do something kind, that you can make a difference, you can see the best in others and give others the benefit of the doubt. Even if you think a kind act won’t matter or make that much difference, even if others reject your kindness, you know you did the right thing.
Kindness often requires courage. And courage is a strength. You can be kind and strong. Kindness has power and potency.
But maybe you think that by being kind you’ll be susceptible to being hurt or taken advantage of. Isn’t kindness all give and no take? Sure, in many situations, you take the risk of being had; there will always be someone who will try and take advantage of your kindness and generosity. But being kind is not being a doormat, it’s not people pleasing. It doesn’t mean always helping out either. It means doing what you can, when you can. It’s not about duty or obligation. (That’s a whole other issue!)
Kindness isn’t about being responsible for other people’s happiness. Kindness is about recognising that you can make a contribution – play a part – but not have to be completely responsible.
