Smithy E-Book

Edgar Wallace

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019

Seitenzahl: 152

Beschreibung

MILITARY "crime" is not crime at all, as we law-abiding citizens recognize it. The outbreak in the Anchester Regiment was not a very serious affair; from what I can gather, it mostly took the form of breaking out of barracks after "lights out." But, explained Smithy, it got a bit too thick, and one of the consequences was that the guard was doubled, pickets were strengthened, and the ranks of the regimental military police were, as a temporary measure, considerably augmented. I explain this for the benefit of my military readers, who may wonder how it was that both Smithy and Nobby Clark happened to be together on Number One post on the night of The Adjutant's Madness.

Leseprobe

Smithy

SmithyI. — THE ADJUTANT'S MADNESSII. — MILITARY MOTORINGIII. — ADVERTISING THE ARMYIV. — ARMY MANNERSV. — THE UMPIREVI. — ERUDITIONVII. — BERTIEVIII. — NOBBY'S PARTIX. — THE CLAIRVOYANTX. — BOOTSXI. — JU-JITSUXII. — THE NEW OFFICERXIII. — THE AGITATORXIV. — MISSING WORDSXV. — THE NEW RULESXVI. — THE CHEFXVII. — THE JOURNALISTXVIII. — THE PHOTOGRAPHERXIX. — THE BOOKMAKERXX. — BACK TO CIVIL LIFEXXI. — BROTHERSXXII. — THE GHOST OF HEILBRON KOPJEXXIII. — SACRIFICECopyright

Smithy

Edgar Wallace

I. — THE ADJUTANT'S MADNESS

MILITARY "crime" is not crime at all, as we law-abiding citizens recognize it. The outbreak in the Anchester Regiment was not a very serious affair; from what I can gather, it mostly took the form of breaking out of barracks after "lights out." But, explained Smithy, it got a bit too thick, and one of the consequences was that the guard was doubled, pickets were strengthened, and the ranks of the regimental military police were, as a temporary measure, considerably augmented. I explain this for the benefit of my military readers, who may wonder how it was that both Smithy and Nobby Clark happened to be together on Number One post on the night of The Adjutant's Madness. "I was tellin' the troops only the other night," said Smithy, "what would 'appen if they didn't give over actin' the billy goat. "'Some of you bloomin' recruits,' I sez, 'think you're doin' somethin' very wonderful, climbin' over the wall, an' goin' into town when you ought to be in bed asleep; but it's the likes of me, an' Nobby, and 'Appy Johnson, chaps with twelve years' service, who's got to suffer. I'll bet you old Uncle Bill will start doublin' the guard to-morrer.' "'Don't be down 'arted; Nobby sez; 'take a brighter view of life, Smithy.' "Sure enough, next day it came out in orders that the guard was to be doubled, an' me an' Nobby was for it. "When we mounted guard, the Adjutant, old Umferville, came over an' inspected us. "'Who's first relief on Number One post?' 'e sez. "'Clark an' Smith, sir,' sez the sergeant. "'I don't want you chaps to make too much noise walkin' about, or shoutin',' sez the Adjutant, an' I'm blowed if 'is face wasn't as red as a piller-box. "'What's the matter with Uncle Bill?' sez Nobby, as we was marchin' off. "'I believe 'e's frightened about somethin',' I sez, puzzled. "Number One post is between the back of the Adjutant's 'ouse and the wall where the chaps nip over. It used to be the Colonel's 'ouse; but when Uncle Bill got married a couple of years ago, the Colonel generously 'anded it over, an' took an 'ouse in town that wasn't so damp. "It was the most excitin' guard me an' Nobby ever did, an' it was all through Uncle Bill. You never saw such goin's on in your life. 'E dodged in an' out of 'is 'ouse all day long. 'E'd start to walk across the square, then stop, as if 'e'd forgot something, then walk back to the 'ouse, then walk out again, then stop an' bite 'is nails an' stare more ghastly at nothin'. "Once as 'e was passin', me an' Nobby shouldered arms to 'im, an' e stopped dead an' looked at us. 'E didn't move, but stood stock still for about five minutes starin' at me an' Nobby, sayin' nothin', an' me and Nobby felt quite uncomfortable. "'Everything all right, sentry?' 'e sez at last. "'Yes, sir,' sez me an' Nobby. "'Sentry—' 'e sez, then stopped. "'Which one, sir?' sez Nobby, an' the officer stared. "'Are there two of you?' 'e sez. "'Yes, sir,' sez me an' Nobby, an' e got very red an' muttered somethin' an' walked off. "We was talkin' about it in the guardroom that night when we was drinkin' our guard allowance—one pint a man, accordin' to regulations. All the other chaps 'ad noticed Uncle Bill's strangeness, too. "'It's drink,' sez Nobby, shakin' 'is 'ead. 'Wot a pity to see a pore young chap go wrong, all for the sake of the cursed liquor—after you with that pot, Smithy.' "'You've 'ad your whack, Nobby,' I sez; 'don't come it on a pal.' "'Did I?' sez Nobby. 'I must 'ave been thinkin' of the Adjutant.' "'I think 'es 'aunted,' sez a chap from 'D'—a young chap. "''Aunted!' sez Nobby, scornful. 'Why, there ain't no ghosts after Christmas, fat'ead!' "'Never mind about Christmas,' sez the young chap; 'it's my belief 'es 'aunted, there's a spirit or somethin' follerin' 'im about.' 'Dry up,' sez Nobby, shudderin', for me an' im was on the worst relief, ten to midnight, an' four to six. "When we mounted at 'last post' Nobby sez to me:— "'Do you think there's anythin' in that ghost idea, Smith?' "'No,' I sez. 'Still,' I sez, 'you never know.' "'What's that?' sez Nobby, pointin' to a shadder movin' along the wall. So I shouts "''Alt!—who goes there? ' "It turned out to be little Bobby Burns tryin' to break out of barracks, an' me an' Nobby captured 'im an' shoved 'im in the clink. "Just before twelve me an' Nobby was standin' at ease, when we 'eard a most 'orrid groan. We jumps round with our 'arts in our mouths, an' there was the Adjutant in is overcoat an' slippers. "'What the dickens are you starin' at?' 'e sez. "'Beg pardon, sir,' stammers Nobby, 'I thought you was a ghost!' "But the Adjutant didn't seem to 'ear what we said. 'E just walks up an' down mutterin' to hisself. Bimeby 'e sez, 'Keep a sharp look-out, an' don't make too much noise—d'ye hear, you Clark ; d'ye 'ear, you Smith?' 'e sez fiercely. "'Yes, sir,' sez me an' Nobby; an' then the Adjutant went indoors. "'Drink,' sez Nobby solemnly. 'Let this be a warnin' to you, Smithy.' "When we come on duty again at four in the mornin', the two chaps we relieved looked scared out of their lives. 'I shall be bloomin' glad when its daylight,' sez one of 'em; 'we've 'ad an 'orrid time.' "'Ow so?' sez Nobby. "'The Adjutant's gone orf 'is napper: mad, that's wot 'e is,' sez the chap. ' 'E's bin walkin' up an' down talkin' to 'isself an' moanin' an' chuckin' 'is arms about.' "'Nice thing, ain't it?' sez Nobby, after we was posted; 'if you ask me—why, 'ere the beggar comes again.' "'What shall we do?' I sez. "'Wait till 'e gets violent, then bang 'im with the butt of your rifle.' "'You do it,' I sez. "'No, you'd better do it, Smithy; you're the oldest soldier!' "Up comes Umferville, and I'll take my oath there was tears in 'is eyes. "'Sentry' 'e sez in a chokin' voice, 'challenge all persons approachin' your post.' "'Yes, sir,' sez me an' Nobby. "'Don't allow nobody to pass without challengin', ' 'e sez wildly, an' then run back to 'is 'ouse like mad. "'Balmy,' sez Nobby; 'let's go an' tell the sergeant.' "'Better wait,' I sez. So we waited. "'The beggar 'ain't bin to bed,' sez Nobby after a bit, 'there's lights in all the rooms.' "'I wonder what 'is missus thinks,' I sez, an' I felt sorry for Mrs. Umferville, who's a lady bred an' born. "It wanted about an hour to daybreak when out rushes the Adjutant again an' makes straight for us. "''Ere 'e comes,' I sez, liftin' up the butt of my rifle. 'Nobby, you're evidence that I only 'it 'im to save your life,' I sez. "'Your life!' sez Nobby hastily. "Up comes Umferville, sort of laughin' an' cryin'. "'Sentry,' e sez, 'wot about your orders?' "'Wot orders, sir?' I sez. "'Some one's come into barracks,' 'e sez excitedly, an' you 'aven't challenged 'im.' "''E ain't passed 'ere,' sez me an' Nobby together. "'Yes, 'e 'as,' sez the Adjutant. 'Listen' "We listens. "''Ear anythin'?' sez the Adjutant. Suddenly Nobby lets out a yell. "'Guard, turn out,' 'e shouts, an' out come the guard with a run. "'Wot's up?' sez the sergeant of the guard. "'Present arms!' sez Nobby, 'to the Adjutant's new baby,' 'e sez."

II. — MILITARY MOTORING

"WHAT'LL be the badge for that?" asked Smithy We were talking of the new course of military motoring that is contemplated. "Cross' guns for marksman, cross' flags for signaller, cross' swords for instructor, cross' choppers for pioneer." mused Smithy. "Cross pedestrians for military chauffeur," said I humorously. "Cross corpses, if I know anything about it," said Smithy pessimistically. "Some of the chaps I know who are goin' in for motorin' I wouldn't trust with a clock-work p'rambulator." "As you say," I began. "There—" "Let alone motor-cars," interrupted Smithy gloomily. "Of course there are—" "Let alone bloomin' motor-cars," repeated Smithy, with a knowing nod of his head. "I suppose," he went on, "you don't happen to know Spud Murphy, of 'B'—he's doin' duty now, but he used to be groom-of-the-chambers to Major What's-his-name?" I know hundreds of Spud Murphys; but I could not recall this particular one. "You wouldn't think," said Smithy, impressively, "that a tin-eyed rooster with four years' service, a low-down cellar-flapper from Islington that joined the Army to get away from the police, would 'ave the neck to apply for a job as shover to a choof-choof?" "I should imagine," I remarked gently, "that the position of chauffeur requires—" "Well," went on the indignant Smithy, "this unmentionable person did. You know Uncle Bill?" I owned up to an acquaintance with that very kindly young officer, Captain Umfreville, of Smithy's battalion. "Uncle Bill," said the irreverent soldier, "is one of the widest chaps in the regiment. There was a man in town who was agent for all kinds of motor-cars, but the one he was most fond of was a little thing he invented hisself. A four-'orse-power machine with bicycle wheels. He called it the 'Ravin' Jupiter,' and it was one of them run-away-and-play-whilst-papa- mends-the-carburator sort of machines. "Well, Uncle Bill turns up in barrack one day as large as life, sittin' in a sort of bassinette and steam roller combined. He'd bought a 'Ravin' Jupiter,' and, what's more, he'd got it cheap. "People used to larf, especially when it hurt somebody; but Uncle Bill knew a thing or two. "A week afterwards he turned up with a ninety-'orse-power Little Nipper, or Nipper Minor, or something of the sort. "His 'Ravin' Jupiter' had gone wrong, and while it was bein' righted the maker had lent him this car. "I can tell you," said Smithy, with a reminiscent grin, "that old Uncle Bill didn't use that 'Ravin' Jupiter' three times a year; mostly he was cuttin' round the country in the Nipper, or a Damyer, or a Poosher, wot was lent him while the 'Ravin' ' car was gettin' a new inside. The artfulness of Captain Umfreville caused Smithy a few minutes' amusement. Then he returned with a scowl to the enormities of the miserable Spud Murphy. "Spud comes to me one day an' sez, 'I'm goin' to be Bill's shover.' "'Bill's how much?' I sez. "'Bill's choofer,' he sez. "'Wot do you know about motor-cars?' I sez. "'E larfs. 'Never you mind,' e sez; 'I've driv' an ingin before now,' 'e sez. "'Beer ingin?' I sez. "'No,' e sez, 'a real ingin at a sawmills.' "So Spud got his job," Smithy went on, "an' for a week he was messin' about the parade ground doin' fancy work, with Uncle Bill sittin' by his side givin' instructions. "We used to sit outside the canteen and watch him and the officer. "'E used to play on the thing with his 'ands and feet, and the tunes 'e got out of it was extr'ord'nary. Bill was a wonderful instructor. "'Mark time on that blanky clutch,' he'd yell, and Spud would put his foot on the brake-pedal. "'The other foot, you soor,' Bill'd shout, he 'avin' been in India with the other battalion. "''Arf right!' And Spud would give the steerin'-wheel a yank to the left, an' the language of the captain was a disgrace to his company. "I tell you Spud perspired, but he persevered, too, and used to work in little bits he learnt at the sawmill, and one day he comes up to me as pleased as Punch, an' waves a bit o' blue paper. "'I've got me licence,' he sez. "'O,' sez Nobby Clark—a caution, he is—'I suppose they'll let you out without a chain now,' 'e sez. "'Don't you be funny,' sez Spud; 'I'm a licensed shover.' "'What's that?' I sez. 'French for beer-can boy at a sawmills? ' "Well, right enough, about a week after, me and a couple of chaps was walkin' out in the country—it was a Sunday—when we 'eard a motor- car comin' up behind. "'Hoomp ! Hoomp ! Hoomp!' "Then, like a flash of dirty lightnin', somethin' dashed past in a cloud of dust, and there was me and the other chaps covered all over with muck, and a smell in the air like a paraffin stove. "Bimeby," resumed Smithy, "we comes up with a motor-car pulled up at the side of a road with somebody crawlin' underneath. "'There's only one man in the world that takes fourteen boots,' sez Nobby, 'and that's Spud Murphy;' so we pulls 'im out. "'Now, then, you men,' sez Spud, doin' the haughty act, 'just leave me alone, will yer?' "What's up, Spud?' I sez. "'The off 'ind cylinder 'as come into contact with the sparkin' plug,' sez Spud, as bold as brass. "'Sawmills,' sez Nobby Clark softly. "'Wot are you goin' to do?' I sez, and the other chaps started lookin' underneath too. "'I shall petrolize the trembler, and throw back the clutch into the ignition coil,' sez Spud, shuttin' 'is eyes and thinkin'. "'Sawmills,' sez Nobby Clark quite plainly. "Spud give him a look, then dives underneath the car with a spanner, while me an' Nobby tried to see what made the fog'orn work. "'Oomph!' "''Ere,' sez Spud Murphy, underneath the car, 'just you leave that 'orn alone.' "'Oomph!' "Spud wriggled out from under the car with a spanner in one 'and and a oilcan in the other. "'E was red in the face, an' as wild as anything. "'Didn't I tell you to leave it alone?' 'e sez to Nobby. "'Sawmills!' sez Nobby; and that's why Spud 'it 'im." Smithy heaved a sigh. "Take my tip, don't you ever try to separate two chaps when one chap has a spanner in his 'and," he said, and continued:— "Well, Spud lost 'is job, for a couple of red-caps* came up an' pinched 'im, an' the car 'ad to be dragged home by a fatigue party, and Uncle Bill drives his own car now; he's fed up with military shovers, and won't 'ave another."* Military Police "How do you know?" I asked curiously. "I offered to drive for 'im," said Smithy modestly.

III. — ADVERTISING THE ARMY

"IT's a great thing, getting a staff billet," remarked Private Smithy, resplendent in mufti of the hand-me-down pepper-and-salt variety. Smithy wore mufti consequent upon his recent appointment as groom to Major Somebody-or-Other, Deputy-Assistant-Adjutant-General (a) to Goodness- Knows-What-District. "It's a relief to get out of regimentals," he sighed, self-consciously thrusting fingers into unaccustomed pockets. I ventured to murmur that he looked ever so much better in a scarlet coat and white belt, but Smithy demurred. "Red tunics is all right in a way," he remarked philosophically, "but give me a smart civilian suit, turn-down collar, and a pair of brown boots for a change." At Smithy's request I "waited a bit " whilst he explored a small tobacconist's in the High Street. He returned after a short absence, red in the face, but triumphant. "Seven for a shilling—and an imitation crocodile leather case thrown in," he explained. "Have one?" Smithy added, with the air of a connoisseur, that it was "almost unpossible to buy a good cigar under tuppence." Two draws convinced me that it was quite as impossible to get the genuine article at the rate of a shilling for seven. "The red coat attracts a few, I'll admit," resumed Smithy. "I've known two silly jossers in my time who've joined the Army for the sake of the scarlet. One got his ticket three months after." "Ticket," I may say in parenthesis, is the terse barrack-room formula for certificate of discharge. "Colour blind, 'e was," Smithy went on, with an amused smile. "No, red coats don't bring recruits, nor," added Smithy emphatically, "nothing that the War Office ever did brings recruits." We were passing a hoarding as he spoke, and suddenly clutching my arm, he stopped dead and pointed to a placard. It was neatly printed in red and blue, and was about the size of a newspaper contents bill. It ran : RECRUITS WANTED FOR EVERY BRANCH OF THE ARMY GOD SAVE THE KING! I nodded, and we resumed our walk. "God save the King!" repeated Smithy flippantly. "God save the King if he don't get no more recruits than that there notice will bring him!" and Smithy laughed sarcastically. He was silent for a while, and so occupied with his thoughts that I was able to drop my cigar down a friendly drain without observation. "They can't get recruits nowadays," he resumed at length, and then, striking off at a tangent, "Why do fellers enlist?" I thought it might be for the glory of a noble profession, and ventured to express this thought. Smithy's reply was conveyed in one coarse, contemptuous word. "Do you know why I enlisted?" he asked. I did not hazard an opinion, and he continued: "Broke," he said tersely. "Broke to the wide, wide world; out of a job and had a row with the girl—but mostly I was out of a job. "Show me a soldier," said Smithy, with a sort of gloomy enthusiasm, "and I'll show you a man who at some time or other has got down to his last tanner. "Mind you," he added cautiously, "there are thousands of chaps in the Army—sergeants on the strength and all that, who've got on well and 'ave educated theirselves—they'll tell you, if you ask 'em, why they 'listed; it's because they struck pa with a roll of music and ran away from home." Smithy ended this speech in a hoarse falsetto, presumably in imitation of some person or persons unknown. "Why! I know a man—quartermaster-sergeant, who's got two houses of his own, and can vamp the accompaniment to any song you like. When he 'listed he walked into barracks on his uppers. "And now he's got two houses—being a quartermaster-sergeant," added Smithy darkly, and not a little vaguely. "And so long as the War Office is the War Office," he went on, "you'll always have an army of hard-ups. Because why?" "Because," I submitted rather sadly, "the greater bulk of the population—" "Not a bit," said the optimist, demolishing the results of systematic observation with a fine disregard for statistics. "Not a bit. It's because the War Office don't know what attracts soldiers. "Why! may I be (three expurgated words) if I didn't see a bill the other day outside St. George's Barracks—it was called 'The Advantages of the Army'—and what do you think the pictures on it were about?