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This book is a work of poetry; its contents are wholly imagined.
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Copyright © 2015 by Rudyard Kipling
Interior design by Pronoun
Distribution by Pronoun
Departmental Ditties
GENERAL SUMMARY
ARMY HEADQUARTERS
STUDY OF AN ELEVATION, IN INDIAN INK
THE STORY OF URIAH
THE POST THAT FITTED
PUBLIC WASTE
DELILAH
WHAT HAPPENED
PINK DOMINOES
THE MAN WHO COULD WRITE
MUNICIPAL
A CODE OF MORALS
THE LAST DEPARTMENT
I have eaten your bread and salt,
I have drunk your water and wine,
The deaths ye died I have watched beside,
And the lives that ye led were mine.
Was there aught that I did not share
In vigil or toil or ease,
One joy or woe that I did not know,
Dear hearts across the seas?
I have written the tale of our life
For a sheltered people’s mirth,
In jesting guise—but ye are wise,
And ye know what the jest is worth.
We are very slightly changed
From the semi-apes who ranged
India’s prehistoric clay;
Whoso drew the longest bow,
Ran his brother down, you know,
As we run men down today.
“Dowb,” the first of all his race,
Met the Mammoth face to face
On the lake or in the cave,
Stole the steadiest canoe,
Ate the quarry others slew,
Died—and took the finest grave.
When they scratched the reindeer-bone
Someone made the sketch his own,
Filched it from the artist—then,
Even in those early days,
Won a simple Viceroy’s praise
Through the toil of other men.
Ere they hewed the Sphinx’s visage
Favoritism governed kissage,
Even as it does in this age.
Who shall doubt the secret hid
Under Cheops’ pyramid
Was that the contractor did
Cheops out of several millions?
Or that Joseph’s sudden rise
To Comptroller of Supplies
Was a fraud of monstrous size
On King Pharoah’s swart Civilians?
Thus, the artless songs I sing
Do not deal with anything
New or never said before.
As it was in the beginning,
Is today official sinning,
And shall be forevermore.
Old is the song that I sing—