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- Herausgeber: Orenda Books
- Kategorie: Abenteuer, Thriller, Horror
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019
A young man discovers a family secret that turns his world upside down in this dark, emotive, shocking psychological thriller by number-one bestselling author Michael J. Malone. 'A tense, immersive thriller that kept me guessing' Ian Rankin, author of A Song for the Dark Times 'Malone is the master of twists, turns and the unexpected, with the skill to keep things grounded. So much so, that the reader can picture themselves in the very circumstances described. Superb storytelling from a master of his craft' Herald Scotland 'Beautiful, lyrical prose takes the reader through a perfectly constructed, often harrowing tale' Denzil Meyrick, author of For Any Other Truth _________________ John Docherty's mother has just been taken into a nursing home following a massive stroke and she's unlikely to be able to live independently again. With no other option than to sell the family home, John sets about packing up everything in the house. In sifting through the detritus of his family's past he's forced to revisit, and revise his childhood. For in a box, in the attic, he finds undeniable truth that he had a brother who disappeared when he himself was only a toddler. A brother no one ever mentioned. A brother he knew absolutely nothing about. A discovery that sets John on a journey from which he may never recover. For sometimes in that space where memory should reside there is nothing but silence, smoke and ash. And in the absence of truth, in the absence of a miracle, we turn to prayer. And to violence. Shocking, chilling and heartbreakingly emotive, In the Absence of Miracles is domestic noir at its most powerful, and a sensitively wrought portrait of a family whose shameful lies hide the very darkest of secrets. _________________ 'With each turn of the page, a more shocking detail is revealed and some of the people John thought might help him are not who they seem … The domestic noir tale is one that many families will be able to relate to … There is barely enough time to catch your' Scotsman 'Challenging and emotional, In the Absence of Miracles enthrals as it corkscrews to a shocking, yet ultimately rewarding end' LoveReading 'Malone's latest is an unsettling, multi-layered and expertly paced domestic noir drama that delves into one family's dark secrets, shame and lies' CultureFly 'Malone is a poet, there are wonderful lyrical passages here and very skilful storytelling. Some issues are not spoken about enough, Malone raises a couple of those issues and sensitively but realistically addresses them…' New Books Magazine 'Engrossing, hard-hitting – even shocking – with a light poetic frosting. Another superb read!' Douglas Skelton, author of A Rattle of Bones 'A chilling tale of secrets, lies and the ultimate betrayal' Theresa Talbot, author of The Quiet Ones 'Emotional. Brave. Dark. Raw. Utterly beautiful' Louise Beech, author of This is How We Are Human 'A breathtakingly good book; powerful yet tender and an emotional master class in how to write about harrowing and difficult issues. An absolute must-read' Hair Past a Freckle 'A very emotional and devastating read … I felt richer for having read it' Jen Med's Book Reviews
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In the Absence of Miracles
MICHAEL J. MALONE
PRAISE FORIN THE ABSENCE OF MIRACLES
‘Beautiful, lyrical prose takes the reader through a perfectly constructed, often harrowing tale’ Denzil Meyrick
‘Engrossing, hard-hitting – even shocking – with a light poetic frosting. Another superb read’ Douglas Skelton
‘A chilling tale of secrets, lies and the ultimate betrayal’ Theresa Talbot
‘Emotional. Brave. Dark. Raw. Utterly beautiful’ Louise Beech
‘Challenging and emotional, In the Absence of Miracles enthrals as it corkscrews to a shocking, yet ultimately rewarding end’ LoveReading
‘In the Absence of Miracles is a captivating mystery, a heartbreaking look at family and a triumph of emotional storytelling that all combine to create a powerful and poignant story’ The Tattooed Book Geek
‘Malone strikes the right balance and has produced a masterpiece; it’s subtle, sensitively written, wrought with emotion and has to be one of my most captivating, heartbreaking reads EVER’ The Book Review Café
‘Beautifully written, substantial and heartbreaking, it is an astonishingly powerful novel for our time’ Live and Deadly
‘Harrowing, emotional, realistic (unfortunately), and leaves you feeling a little off-balance at its conclusion. Emotional excellence’ The Big Fat Bookworm
‘A thriller, the darkest domestic noir, a family drama. A captivating, mesmerising, engrossing, at times poetic story about creating a future among the ruins of a past’ From Belgium with Book Love
‘Absolute literary perfection that left me catatonic within a vortex of emotion! I can’t recommend it highly enough’ The Reading Closet
‘Michael J Malone has this extraordinary talent to write about difficult subjects in such a beautiful way. He is not afraid to tackle sensitive subjects that are usually kept quiet. A book that resonated with me on many levels and one I won’t forget’ Madeleine Black
‘Powerful yet tender, and an emotional masterclass in how to write about harrowing and difficult issues’ Hair Past a Freckle
‘Quite the dark and twisted family tale that uncovers secrets that are truly shocking! There’s an undertone of such sadness in the uncovering of child abuse that just breaks your heart’ Laura Rash
‘Poignant, raw and breathtaking, In the Absence of Miracles will break your heart … I reckon he is going to have to set up a retreat for emotionally distraught readers’ Chapter in My Life
PRAISE FOR MICHAEL J. MALONE
‘A stark, gripping storyline’ Scots Magazine
‘Malone tackles the taboo subject of female violence against men with insight and compassion (for Anna is no one-dimensional witch), while creating all the hallmarks of a fine, page-turning psychological thriller’ Daily Mail
‘Exceptional’ Publishers Weekly
‘A complex and multi-layered story – perfect for a wintry night’ Sunday Mirror
‘A beautifully written tale, original, engrossing and scary’ The Times
‘An expert plotter; twists and turns feel properly embedded in the story. It’s a tough high-wire act, balancing believability with surprise, but the author pulls it off with aplomb’ Big Issue
‘Vivid, visceral and compulsive’ Ian Rankin
‘Michael Malone has twisted the marriage thriller into a new and troubling shape, creating a story that, with its bristling unease, feels all too real. This is domestic noir at its very darkest’ Eva Dolan
‘Disturbing but compulsive’ Martina Cole
‘Emotionally intelligent and engaging’ Caro Ramsay
‘Moving and compelling … Malone perfectly balances storytelling with a brutal commentary on a dysfunctional relationship’ Sarah Ward
‘Hits you like an express train’ Mason Cross
‘A chilling tale of the unexpected that journeys right into the dark heart of domesticity’ Marnie Riches
‘Malone is a massive talent … get on board now so you can brag you were reading his books long before the rest of the world’ Luca Veste
‘A tightly wound page-turner with real emotional punch’ Rod Reynolds
‘Dark, disturbing and peppered with his trademark humour … a fantastic read, and, as a writer, Malone just gets better and better’ S.J.I. Holliday
‘A disturbing and realistic portrayal of domestic noir with a twist … a shocking yet compelling read’ Mel Sherratt
‘This searing depiction of an abusive marriage with the conventional roles reversed nonetheless manages to radiate warmth and integrity’ Anya Lipska
‘Funny and brutal, heartfelt and compelling. Highly recommended’ Craig Robertson
‘Beautifully crafted and colourfully descriptive … keeps the reader gripped by an uneasy presence, a chill, literally, down the spine, as you become absorbed into the experience of the main character’ Undiscovered Scotland
‘The story twists and feints, pulling us along with it at every turn, the edginess of its central character making every development even more unsettling’ Herald Scotland
‘Terrifying exploration of lust and betrayal’ Sunday Post
‘Brilliantly creepy, with a dash of Glasgow humour, I couldn’t turn the pages fast enough. A spine-tingling treat’ Daily Record
‘A thought-provoking read – well researched, well written and well done!’ Off-the-Shelf Books
‘It certainly keeps its reader on the edge of their seat throughout with its twists and turns … I truly cannot get enough of this author’s writing. Another brilliant read from Michael J. Malone’ Have Books Will Read
‘This is a great psychological thriller with a gripping storyline … Well written and intuitive, this is another great read by Michael J Malone’ My Chestnut Tree Reading
‘A well-written, character driven, gripping thriller that held my attention throughout the whole book’ Nicki’s Life of Crime
‘Another top-notch domestic thriller from the twisted mind and pen of Michael J. Malone. Another page-turner full of secrets and lies; you never know what to believe!’ Damp Pebbles
‘If you are a fan of crime, mystery, thriller, and suspense with a good helping of domestic noir then you will absolutely want to read this one’ Me and My Books
‘This is one of those stories where assumptions are dangerous, surprises keep coming and the characters spring from the pages as they are entirely believable and wonderfully defined … Cracking stuff from an author who knows how to hook his reader’ Grab This Book
‘This is a fast-paced read which kept me turning the pages with its twists and turns … A tense mystery thriller. Another Malone masterpiece’ Mrs Bloggs Books
‘Thrilling and shocking in equal measure … an intensely gripping tale’ Short Book and Scribes
‘Well-crafted and convincing … an excellent read’ Crime Thriller Hound
‘Pain that is not transformed is transmitted.’
—Richard Rohr
CONTENTS
IN THE ABSENCE OF MIRACLES
1
My mother’s face had haunted me since I’d last seen her, almost two weeks ago. Her one good eye staring. A string of saliva stretching from the corner of her mouth. Her right hand frozen into a claw as she struggled to reach for the warmth of mine.
This would be the first time I had seen her since she’d been transferred from the big hospital in Glasgow to Lennox House – a nursing home in the village where she’d spent most of her adult life.
The driveway was just wide enough for one car – there were a few passing places dotted along its length. The grass verges were neatly trimmed and a mix of large-leafed trees and giant rhododendron bushes broke the view over a wide, closely clipped lawn.
I followed the long curve of the drive and a couple of minutes later we were pulling up in front of a large ivy-covered Victorian mansion. There were three rows of tall windows set into stained, blond sandstone. In the centre, a grand portico, supported by four Greek pillars, stood over a large glass door.
‘It’s lovely,’ Angela said to me from the passenger seat, as she craned her neck to look up at the building. ‘The village seemed nice as well. A nice place to grow up. I’ve only ever known the city,’ she added wistfully.
I studied her expression to check if she was having a go at me. Despite the fact we’d been together for around two years – by around I mean we’ve been as much ‘on’ as ‘off’ over that period – I’d never brought her to the village where I’d grown up.
Inside, I was struck by the elegance and grandeur of the place. This impression was followed by the recognition of the subtle smell that hung in the air. It clung to my nostrils and filled my lungs. It was the smell of incontinence, dying breaths, and fading memories. The flowers spilling from vases on every available surface did nothing to mask it; their perfume only added to the cloying smell. We approached an imposing desk, and the receptionist looked up from her paperwork and offered us a smile. She had dark, straightened hair and was wearing a black jacket over a white shirt. The name badge on her lapel read Donna. Receptionist. ‘Morning. How can I help you?’ She looked from me to Angela and allowed her gaze to rest on her as if she judged Angela the more important.
‘I’m here to see my mother, Donna,’ I said. ‘Mrs Lorna Docherty.’
Donna smiled over at me, then looked down at her screen and punched a few keys on her keyboard.
‘Room twenty-two, first floor.’
I nodded my thanks, turned and walked over to the staircase. As I looked around, the doctor’s words from the last time I spoke to him echoed in my mind: ‘Your mother has had a massive stroke, Mr Docherty. And sadly she didn’t get to a hospital quickly enough. Our tests indicate…’ He went on speaking but I couldn’t really take it in. Lots of big words and serious expressions. ‘…We remain ever hopeful of course, but despite her relatively young age we expect she will see her days out under assisted care…’
And this place would cost money. A lot of money.
I’d need to sell her house.
Angela reached for my hand. ‘You okay?’ she asked.
‘Got a bit of a sore head,’ I replied, offering her a smile, aware my tension was causing it to fray at the edges.
Together we walked over to the wide staircase and started to climb its plushly carpeted steps. The oak panelling on the walls matched the banister and was hung with large portraits of grim-faced Lennox men and women. The men all wore some form of army uniform and the women were dressed in dark, no-nonsense garments, the only flesh on show their pale hands clasped firmly on their laps.
Finding the door marked 22 I paused before it, steeled myself against the upset of what I would see on the other side, knocked on it with a single knuckle and entered.
My mother’s room matched the scale of that part of the old house we’d seen so far. Immediately on entering we were greeted by a wide space, her bed against the wall to the right, so that she was afforded a spectacular view out of the large bay window, taking in the rooftops of Seamill, a wide strip of sea, and the outline of the sleeping warrior on the horizon: the Isle of Arran.
‘…ohn,’ my mother tried to say my name and reached her good hand out to me.
With a churning stomach I rushed over to her, praying I was convincing in my effort to hide my shock at her appearance. Each time I visited her in hospital the jolt I experienced at the change in her didn’t lessen. I felt it again as I attempted a reassuring smile.
‘Whe … you … been?’ she asked, squeezing out the words with considerable effort, her mouth making almost impossible shapes.
I used the time it took to pull a chair over to her bed to compose myself. To force my mind to accept what I was seeing as her new ‘normal’.
‘I was here just the other week,’ I lied, struggling to meet her gaze.
‘I know … s’not easy…’
I leaned forwards and kissed her cheek, and in response I could feel her stiffen as she inhaled, as if she had caught the scent of something.
‘You … drinnkinnng?’
‘Goodness sake, Mum. Give it a rest, eh?’
I distracted myself again for a moment by reaching for a tissue from the box on her bedside cabinet and then wiping at the dribble sliding from the side of her mouth and down to her chin.
‘Hi there,’ said Angela as she moved to the other side of the bed. Leaning forwards she gave my mother a peck on the cheek. ‘I hope they’re looking after you.’ I envied her apparently casual and natural demeanour. Thinking that I’d never get used to this version of my mother, I once again composed my features into an expression that suggested everything was normal.
But it wasn’t. My mother was a stricken, haunted version of herself. Always slim, she was alarmingly thin now, the weight loss exaggerating the lines on her face and the size of her one good eye.
Her hair, which she had always taken great care over, was flat and lifeless on her crown and was pressed to the side of her head by her pillow.
‘I think we should get in touch with Marie at your salon. See if she’ll do an outside visit,’ I said, forcing some energy into my voice.
Mum’s face looked like it was being pushed to one side as she worked on a smile. ‘Would be … nice.’ Then she turned her attention to Angela and I could see a wariness there. Mum had never taken to any of my girlfriends.
Mum made a sound that could have been a thank-you. Or it might just have been her trying to clear her throat. Angela took the kinder interpretation, smiled in response and continued talking. Her chatter was warm and unaffected, and eased the tension in the room. I couldn’t have been more grateful for it.
Back in the car, Angela reached across and held my hand. ‘You okay, honey?’
I craned my neck and looked up at the old house. ‘She’s in a bit of a state, isn’t she?’
Angela’s face formed a reassuring expression. ‘She’s in the right place.’
‘I know. It’s just … she’s not long turned sixty. She’s way too young for this to have happened.’
‘Can happen at any age,’ Angela said. ‘A man at my work had one when he was only fifty-six.’ She stroked my hand, her eyes warm with sympathy. ‘You OK? Can’t be nice seeing your mum like that?’
‘I envy your … you were just so calm with her. And she’s hardly been the most welcoming…’
Her smile was pained but accepting. ‘Mothers and sons,’ she sighed. ‘Lots of mothers struggle with another woman in their son’s life.’
‘I should really go to Mum’s, have a look and work out what needs to get done before I try and sell the place.’
‘Good thinking,’ Angela replied. ‘And you need time on your own to process all of this. Why don’t you drop me off at the train station and I’ll make my way back home? I need to get back up for the wee one, and it strikes me that you could do with some time on your own.’
As we made our way back up the drive, I looked in the rear-view mirror. A glint of evening sun against a window caught my eye and I stared up at the building. Ivy leaves the size of hands clung to it, lifting and shifting in the determined breeze, giving an illusion of movement, a deception of life.
2
Grateful for Angela’s sensitivity I dropped her off then made my way to my childhood home. I let myself in and stood in the small hallway for a long moment as if letting myself settle back into the space.
Although Mum had been hospitalised weeks earlier, the air felt fresh. I wondered if the next-door neighbour had been coming in now and again to open the windows. From where I stood I could see into the kitchen, the sitting room to my left, my bedroom at the back, downstairs. As I expected, the place was spotless. Looking at the bare cream-coloured walls and the hoover track marks on the carpet it felt as if Mum had just popped out for some shopping.
The last time I’d seen my mother before she had her stroke was on the anniversary of my father’s death, a few months earlier. Mum wasn’t bothered either way about Christmas and refused to acknowledge her birthday, but was adamant that each year on the date my father died I should make the trek down to my childhood home and spend an hour or two with her.
For some reason, on this particular visit I was more reflective than normal.
‘I never got the sense that you and Dad really loved each other,’ I said, thinking out loud.
Mum recoiled. ‘What a horrible thing to say,’ she said, her expression tight. ‘Your father was the love of my life.’ She crossed her arms and stared defiantly at me.
I held her gaze while I debated arguing the point. My comment was thoughtless, but to argue about her revision of her marriage would have been a waste of energy. If she coped with her grief by reframing her marriage more positively, who was I to challenge her?
Shaking my head as if that might rid me of the way my thoughts were going, I made for the kitchen and the cupboard where my dad used to stash his whisky. Bingo. Behind Mum’s almost-empty bottle of port I found a single malt that only had a couple of measures taken from it. I poured myself two fingers, threw that back. Savoured the melt across my shoulder muscles and poured myself another. This one I nursed in my left hand as I walked through the house.
Minutes later I was walking towards my old bedroom. I stopped at the threshold and allowed the memories to flood in. I’d spent hours lying on that bed, on that very red, grey and black bedspread – a colour scheme I once thought was so grown up – hands under my head, earphones in, listening to all sorts of music.
I never played the music too loud. I needed to hear what was happening in other parts of the house. And as if memory had layered echoes in my mind, I could hear Chris charging upstairs, Mum shouting after him, Dad telling us dinner was ready, Mum calling to say that my mate Paul was at the door. Chris running in and jumping on top of me, making sure the bony saucer of each knee hit me in a tender spot.
There were also times when it was deathly quiet, when Dad’s silences lay heavy in the house. When he was working a murder case we knew to tiptoe around him, that he would be quick to fury, to lash out, but just as quick to apologise.
I found him once, asleep at the kitchen table, an almost-empty bottle of whisky at his right hand. I couldn’t see a glass and guessed he’d drunk straight from the bottle. Breathless with anxiety, certain he was dead, I studied him in the gloom, ears primed for the sound of his breath. Then he’d woken himself with a snore, lifted his head off the table and with one eye still shut he’d shouted at me to get back to bed.
He’d followed me to my room and stood on the very spot I did now, watching me as I got into bed. I pulled the quilt up around my neck as if I was protecting myself and pretended to sleep, wondering what on earth he was doing as he lingered there.
A deep grumble issued from his throat. It sounded like, ‘Sorry, son. Not your fault.’
That was the pattern of our relationship. Shouts, long silences, and apologies.
I gave myself a shake. And another sip of whisky. I had a job to do. But where to begin? I climbed the stairs and looked up at the access door to the loft. That had been Dad’s space. No one was allowed up there but him. I suspected it would be covered in a thick layer of dust – I couldn’t think of anyone who might have gone up there since he died.
There was hardly any room for my feet because of the amount of junk in the spacious attic. Boxes, trunks and piles of old clothes almost reached the sloping roof. Paintings and books lay in front of me along with an open box, which, from where I stood, looked as if it was filled with black cloth. The cardboard was clean and firm as I pushed back the flaps to discover what lay within. The rough, heavy wool gave it away instantly. It was my father’s police uniform. I fingered the black serge and tugged at the epaulettes my father had proudly worn throughout his career. Emotions vied for attention in my mind; guilt argued with logic, rejection played with fear, love yielded to loss.
Who was the man who wore this material? His strong face appeared in my mind, wearing a hint of a smile. My throat tightened as I replaced the tunic and closed the dust-free box.
Far into the corner, deep in the shadow I came across a couple of small boxes, hidden under a stack of books. Each box had been carefully wrapped in brown paper and tied up with string. Untying the first box I found a small camera and two rolls of film. Under that was a pile of photographs of varying shapes and sizes, some in colour and some in black and white. They were all portraits of children. There were several of both Chris and I, naked in the bath. In one, I sat sombrely on one side while Chris displayed all of his teeth to the camera. What age would I have been? Five? Six?
Then there were some photographs of me in my early teens. In one I was holding a toddler in my lap, sitting in front of a dark-green car. I recognised the background, the pattern of rocks and the small ruined castle off to the right. That could only be down by Portencross. Chris was nowhere to be seen, which was unusual. In most family pictures we came as a package. And why was I holding a baby? And whose car was that? I couldn’t remember Dad having one that colour.
Dismissing this, I placed the photographs to the side and picked up the other box. It was lighter than the first and with a strange sense of excitement, I opened it up. It held a single item – a stained sandshoe; rubber sole, white canvas upper. A boy’s shoe? I picked it up by the laces and holding it closer to the light, I squinted to identify the stains. The green was unquestionably grass, but could the splash of rusty, almost brown colour be blood?
3
My mobile phone rang, echoing through the dust and dark of the loft space. Without looking at the screen I answered it.
‘How’s it hanging, big guy?’ A voice said. It took a moment for the owner to register.
‘Paul,’ I said. ‘How the hell are you?’
‘A wee bird tells me you’re in town. Fancy a pint down at The Lion?’
‘How did you—?’
‘My mum misses nothing, mate. You should know that.’
I laughed. Paul’s mother lived in a house at the far end of our street, on the opposite side of the road.
‘She was on the phone to me seconds after you arrived.’
Paul’s mum never quite took to me and didn’t bother to hide the fact, so I was surprised to hear she’d alerted him.
‘The call did come with a government health warning,’ Paul said, clearly reading my pause. ‘“That Docherty boy is at his mother’s”,’ he added in a falsetto. We both laughed, a noise that felt good among the murk and secrets of the attic.
We arranged a time and with a sense of pleasure, I hung up. Paul had been one of the casualties of my move up to Glasgow. I really should have made more of an effort to keep up with him.
The photograph had fallen from my hand when I answered the phone. I picked it up, looked around me at the mess and with a sigh decided there was no rush. I could sort this all out some other time.
Paul watched from his stool at the far end of the bar as his old friend ducked inside the door and then looked around the room for him.
He stood up and gave a wave. ‘John,’ he shouted over the music. ‘Over here.’
John gave a sharp nod, flicked a smile and walked towards him, meeting him at the bar, hand out. They shook, and with his free hand Paul clasped his friend by the shoulder.
‘Been a while since you’ve been in here, eh?’
John’s face bloomed into a smile and Paul thought, there he is, the guy who had been by his side as he negotiated the world of boyhood. His face was puffier, his belly was pushing his shirt out, but the boy peeped out of that smile, and Paul found himself feeling the years since he’d seen his old friend. John’s smile was full of warmth, but its edges were traced in sadness. Paul wondered what John had been through since they last spoke.
‘Years, mate,’ John answered Paul’s question with a nod. ‘Years.’
With that he took the stool beside Paul at the bar, looking around himself as he did so. It would be, Paul guessed, as if time had frozen. More than likely it was the same music – Whitesnake – bouncing from the tiny speakers in the ceiling; the same copper-topped bar at their elbows, and if not exactly the same people, similar figures were dotted around the room as if part of some colourful but ageing frieze. The walls covered in murals depicting scenes from the poems of Robert Burns.
‘Will we grab a table up the back?’ Paul asked after they’d both ordered a drink, trying not to cast a judgemental expression when he heard John order a pint and a double whisky chaser.
A few people gave the men a nod as they walked across the low-ceilinged room towards a small table in the far corner, just by the dartboard.
‘Good to see you, man. You’re looking well,’ John said as he sat, stealing a glance at the pale two-inch scar that ran across his cheek below his left eye. Paul gave the skin there a scratch. His scar was ancient history, at least to him, but he could see a flare of guilt when John’s eyes strayed there.
‘How’s your mum?’ Paul asked, recalling what his mother had told him.
‘She’s not looking quite so poorly as the last time I saw her.’ John replied.
‘Getting old’s rubbish, eh?’ Paul commiserated. ‘How are you dealing with it?’
John took a long drink and after he swallowed gave a long, slow sigh as if that was his best moment of the day. ‘Man, I’d forgotten how shitty that road is down from Glasgow.’
‘Tell me about it,’ Paul replied, thinking if his friend didn’t want to talk about his mother that was fine by him.
For the next few minutes they caught up on the machinery of their everyday lives – work and relationships. Surprised at how easily they slipped back into each other’s company, Paul heard himself tell John that he and his wife were considering fertility treatment, something he’d not even told his mother.
‘I don’t mind kids,’ John said. ‘But more than one in a burger is a bit too chewy.’
‘Says the teacher,’ replied Paul with a grin.
‘Spend all day with the wee shits and that would soon cure you of your desire to procreate.’
‘But weren’t you promoted to head of department last year?’ Paul asked crossing his arms with mock outrage.
John laughed. ‘How did you hear about that?’
‘Your mum told my mum soon as it happened,’ Paul answered. ‘You must be doing something right to be moving up the ladder.’
‘To be fair, most of the kids are cool. They speak my language.’
‘Aye, cos you never really grew up.’
John gave a nod of recognition. ‘Maybe that’s why I don’t want any. I’m still just a big wean myself.’
They both took a drink, mirroring each other’s actions and Paul smiled.
‘What?’ John asked, his cheeks plump with a grin. And Paul was back on day one, year one in primary school. A boy, his dark hair cut in almost exactly the same short style it was today, was sitting on his own by the school wall, chewing the strap of his backpack, his eyes heavy with tears. Paul had already been going to nursery for a couple of years so leaving his parents and going to school didn’t faze him, but something in him recognised the emotion the other boy was battling to hide. Then an older boy walked over, kicked John’s foot. ‘Poof,’ he snarled.
John was up in the bigger boy’s face. ‘Shut it,’ he shouted and pushed out.
The older boy didn’t expect the speed of John’s response and fell back. Then in the manner of all bullies who are called out on their actions, he scurried off. Paul decided there and then that this was a boy he would like to be his friend.
‘What?’ John asked again.
‘Just remembering that first day in primary school.’
They both chuckled. Then John grew sombre and looked to Paul as if he was trying to come to a decision.
‘When I was over at Mum’s I found this in the loft.’ John pulled what looked like a photograph out of his pocket.
Paul picked it up. ‘Look at you with the weird haircut.’ He looked at John. ‘I don’t remember your hair ever being like this.’
John looked like he couldn’t either and moved the subject on. ‘What’s strange is it says on the back “the boys”. That was always how Dad referred to me and Chris – who’s only two years younger than me, whereas this child is little more than a toddler. Who the hell is he?’
After two hours in which we’d almost talked ourselves dry, while drinking too much, we left the pub and walked the first hundred yards in companionable silence. The cool night air brushed my cheeks as I examined my shoes scuffing along the pavement.
‘I’d forgotten how good it was to talk to you, John. You always seemed to be able to draw me out of myself.’ Paul’s voice slurred slightly into the night air, and I realised he’d probably drunk more tonight than he had in a long while.
‘Aye,’ I said, while thinking, I did?
‘I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, John. I can’t help feeling that I could have been a better mate to you.’
‘Yeah,’ I said and punched out at his arm. ‘Twat.’ We both giggled. ‘Don’t worry about it, buddy,’ I said. ‘You can hardly help if I don’t let you know when you’re needed.’
‘True, but I should have made more of an effort to keep in touch.’ Paul stopped as if unsure of himself. ‘Ever since you went away to uni we’ve let things slip.’ He paused. ‘Women are much better at this friendship shit, eh?’
‘I was in such a hurry to get away from this place, and coming home was like admitting I hadn’t made a success of leaving.’ I wasn’t sure this even made sense. My mind knew what I wanted to say but the connection to my tongue was frayed by booze.
‘I never understood the big rush to get away. What’s so awful about this place?’
‘And you know,’ I said as I looked up at the stars. ‘It was a total waste of time. Wherever I go, there I am.’ I rubbed at my forehead. ‘Who said that? Some eejit probably.’ Eyes up, looking ahead, I saw the green telephone junction box at the end of the street. There was one of these at the end of the street where we grew up, and we’d arrange to meet there almost nightly after dinner. ‘Green box at seven’ was the cry.
‘Look,’ I shouted. ‘Let’s go and sit on the green box.’
I ran across the road, jumped up onto the box and promptly fell over the other side. Laughing, Paul helped me up.
‘You’re a clown, Docherty.’
Several clumsy attempts later we managed to perch on our improvised seat. There we sat, with legs kicking the side. The years fell away and we were twelve years old again. We looked at one another and an unspoken message passed between us. A message of mutual affection, one we both understood but felt too constrained to acknowledge.
‘Shame about your mum, mate,’ Paul said, momentarily lost in reverie. ‘I had a massive thing about her when I was a kid.’
‘Fuck off,’ I said and punched his arm again.
He grinned. ‘All the guys did.’
‘No way,’ I said in disbelief. ‘You sure you’re talking about my mum?’ That wasn’t how I remembered her at all.
‘If the term MILF had been coined back then she was it. She was always happy to buy cigs and drink for kids loitering outside the Co-op. Always winking at the lads. Connor Davidson said she felt his arse one day and was totally up for it.’
‘As if,’ I replied. ‘Connor Davidson was always saying women liked him.’ Then I withdrew from Paul’s comment. It felt like we were moving into disrespectful territory.
Paul read the shift in my mood and apologised.
‘That was the drink. Ignore me,’ he slurred. ‘Jesus, I’ve got no class.’
We were silent for a while as if we were both wondering how to shift back into a more agreeable mindset.
‘So, what now?’ Paul asked.
‘I’m going home to sleep. I’m absolutely knackered,’ I answered as I brushed dirt from my knees.
‘That’s not what I mean,’ Paul studied me. ‘One shoe in a box in the attic, and it’s covered in blood? That’s weird.’
I looked off into the distance. From above pockets of diffuse electric light illuminated a series of cars, hedges and houses all the way down the street. But I saw nothing, my mind held by the mystery.
‘And I’m too tired to think about it anymore.’
We hopped off the green box and began the last leg of the journey towards Mum’s house. I stopped at the gate before I pushed it open.
‘Want to come in? One for the road?’ I hoped he was going to say yes. I didn’t want to carry on drinking into the night on my own.
‘Thanks, mate,’ Paul grinned. ‘I’m too old for this shit. I’m practically craving my bed.’
‘Bollocks. We’re still youngsters. And so is the night.’
Paul snorted. ‘Thirty is the new eighteen.’ He stepped into the space I had studiously kept between us and wrapped me in a bear hug.
‘Cheers, Paul,’ I said into his neck, at last trusting myself to speak.
‘Aye,’ he said, his throat sounding as if it was too tight. He let me go, and stepped back. ‘You’d better keep in touch, Docherty.’
I looked at him, my eyes straying down towards his scar.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I’ve never stopped being sorry.’ And I braced myself for any recriminations.
‘I know,’ he said quietly. ‘That’s why I still love you, man.’
And we were back in that moment. Two fourteen-year-olds walking home from school, arguing about a football game. We’d been on opposing sides. Paul was convinced I’d handled the ball before scoring. I hadn’t, and he wouldn’t shut up about it.
Instead of laughing it off, which I usually did when faced with Paul’s keen competitive streak, I grew angrier and angrier. And angrier. The next few moments were a blur, but I came to with him at my feet, a large stick in my hand and Paul holding his face.
Thankfully, giving vent to my anger in such way left an indelible mark on my conscience, and I never again lost my temper to such a degree.
‘He could have lost an eye,’ both my mother and Paul’s shouted at me after he’d been stitched up at the local hospital.
‘I forgave you a long time ago,’ Paul repeated now.
Unable to meet his gaze, I reached across and patted his shoulder.
‘That anger,’ his voice raised in a question, ‘had to come from somewhere – did your dad ever … hurt you?’
‘What?’
‘You always seemed so angry at him. Always complaining about him.’
‘I was?’
He nodded.
I turned to my memory but there was nothing.
‘He was a good man. Mostly,’ I said, hearing a strange note in my voice. What was it? Denial? ‘He loved us. Would have done anything for us.’
The photos of Chris and I in the bath imposed themselves in my mind. The clear skin, freshly painted trust in our eyes…
‘Anything,’ I repeated, wondering who I was trying to convince. ‘He would have done anything for us.’
4
My mother’s good eye sparkled when she saw me when I went for a visit the next morning, and her mouth moved to the side in her new version of a smile.
‘Okay, son?’ she managed to ask.
I nodded, and regretted the movement, which fired off a pulse of pain in my head. Faking a smile, I debated for a moment if I should ask her about what I had found in the attic. Then I spent the next thirty minutes breaking up long spells of silence with chat about what Paul and I had been up to the night before, detailing the various people I’d seen in the pub.
‘You know I’m going to have to sell the house,’ I said before I’d thought through how I was going to address this issue.
She didn’t respond. At first. She just stared at me with her one functioning eye. Her scrutiny was unbearable. It felt like I had failed her.
‘Sss’okay, son,’ she said. Then she closed her eye and her small frame shook with emotion.
‘There’s no way round it, Mum. You deserve the best of care and I’m…’
She reached for my hand and squeezed. A movement that had all the power of a leaf landing on my skin.
‘Don’t worry … be fine.’ She swallowed. ‘Always loved … that house.’
‘So sorry, Mum. There’s no other option. I can’t see any other way.’
I felt a little more pressure bear down on my hand from hers. ‘Always dreamed of … of living by sea,’ she said, her face tight with concentration as if she was struggling to find the right words. ‘Away from the city. Away from…’ She looked at me and for a moment it felt like she was about to tell me something momentous. Then she turned away and focused her gaze out of the window, towards the North Ayrshire seascape. It was a grey early-winter’s day and in the weak light cloud blended into the mountains of Arran, which in turn seeped into the sea. Solid lines made hazy as nature coalesced and blurred.
Leaving the nursing home, I felt drained. There was barely enough strength in my thighs to negotiate the stairs. It felt horrible telling Mum that I’d have to sell the house.
I phoned Angela, told her how Mum had been, and with the promise of a nice dinner ringing in my ear we arranged a day to meet.
Seated in my car I considered what I should do next. I toyed briefly with the idea of going back to Mum’s to carry on clearing out the loft. But that required an energy I didn’t possess. Finally, I decided I needed some distance from all of this and aimed my wheels at the road that would take me back to Glasgow. School was back tomorrow and I had some marking to do.
Home was a two-bedroom Georgian flat in an area of the city inhabited predominately by students. The rooms were enormous – high-ceilinged and draughty, and they proved near impossible to heat in winter. When I moved in the walls were dotted with Blu Tack, the only remnant of legions of homesick students who had surely toiled over their books while they struggled to keep warm under a mass of blankets.
Parking my car, I was not too happy to see that someone had stolen my usual spot – right in front of the entrance to my flat. Nice car though, I thought, appreciating the sleek lines of the black BMW.
There was someone sitting in the driver’s seat. As I walked by the car, I slowed my step and attempted to peer in through the tinted window. I was rewarded with a flash of white teeth. Then the door opened and the driver jumped out and bellowed, ‘How’s it hanging, big brother?’
It took me a moment to register who was standing in front of me. ‘Chris. What the hell are you doing here?’
‘What kind of welcome is that for the prodigal?’ Chris demanded with a grin.
Before I could answer, he was round my side of the car and had enveloped me in a hug. Still resenting him for leaving me to deal with Mum on my own, I self-consciously pulled away from him, but not before I got a good nose full of whatever wacky substance he’d been smoking.
‘Well, you’d better come in,’ I smiled, trying to hide my confusion.
I fumbled with the key and opened the security door, then led the way upstairs to my flat on the first floor. When we got into the living room, he bounded across the room and dumped himself onto one of the armchairs.
‘Cool place you’ve got here, man. But what’s with the Marvel poster?’
‘It’s in a frame,’ I said defensively. ‘That makes it more grown-up.’
He snorted an ‘Aye, right’ and was then on his knees in front of my TV, examining the pile of PS4 games that lay there. ‘Still into all this shit?’ he asked.
‘It’s a great way to unwind after dealing with kids all day, and it helps keep an old man relevant.’
Chris nodded slowly as if he saw the sense in what I said. ‘Cool.’
I ignored the transatlantic sheen he rolled over his vowels and gave him the once-over.
‘You’re looking well,’ I said. He was broad-shouldered, slim-waisted and perhaps taller than I remembered. And he was expensively dressed, tanned and his long, sun-bleached hair reached almost to his shoulders.
‘Thanks,’ he replied. ‘You look like shit.’
‘Hang on a minute,’ I laughed. ‘The usual routine is half an hour of pleasantries, then the insults begin.’
‘Why waste time…’ he grinned. ‘Sorry I didn’t reply to your email. Reception was patchy where we were.’ He paused ‘How is she?’ He asked the question as if out of a sense of duty rather than a need to know.
‘Oh, you know,’ I grimaced. ‘Shit.’ I smiled. ‘When you going down to see her?’
Chris joined me on the sofa, leaned forwards in his seat, elbows on his knees. ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t home in time to help out, John. It sounds as if it was really rough.’
‘Will be good to get your help when we go down to clear out the house.’
‘Yeah…’ he said, looking away from me. There was a strong reluctance there.
‘I need your help, Chris,’ I said. ‘I’m tired of dealing with her all on my own.’
His shoulders slumped, and he sat back in his chair. Then, as if he’d made a decision, he slapped a hand on his thigh and jumped to his feet.
‘Where’s my manners? And where’s the nearest off-licence? How about I get some wine in?’
I stood in front of him. ‘What’s going on, Chris?’
‘I’m thirsty, brother. Tell me where the nearest offy is and I’ll be back in a jiffy.’ He stretched into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a smart phone. ‘Never mind. I can find it on this. And I’ll be back before you can rinse off the manky glasses in your kitchen.’ He gave me the full glare of the Chris smile. All teeth and sparkly eyes. ‘Great to see you, man.’ And he was out of the door before I could say anything more.
Twenty minutes later he was back with two bottles of red wine and two massive bags of crisps. He held them before him as he walked back in the door.
‘Since when did Scotland get with it on the fancy flavour front? Thai sweet chilli, or sea salt with balsamic vinegar? So cool. I couldn’t decide which to get so I bought both.’
‘When was the last time you were back in the country, Chris? We’ve had these for ages.’ I registered a note of irritation in my voice and fought to temper it with a smile as big as his. But gave up. There was no way I could compete with him on that, and his high-energy act was already getting on my nerves. ‘And dial down on the enthusiasm, will you? You’re giving me a headache.’
‘Okay, okay,’ he said as he walked towards the kitchen. ‘I hear you. It’s all those grey skies,’ he said. ‘Makes you a miserable bastard.’
‘Wanker.’
‘Fannybaws,’ he shot back and his Scottish accent was back in full play. I laughed. He joined me.
‘Just two bottles?’ I asked as I walked into the kitchen and pulled out a couple of glasses. ‘What are you going to drink?’
Chris rolled his eyes and then followed me as I walked through to the living room. We settled down on the sofa with a bowl of crisps each and a glass of wine.
‘In your last email you were six months into a relationship with a rich American. How’s that going?’
‘See that BMW I arrived in?’
‘She’s that rich she bought it for you?’ I was incredulous.
‘Eejit. She rented it.’
‘So, you’re a kept man?’
He sipped at his wine. ‘That noise is the penny dropping.’
‘Nice work if you can get it,’ I said.
‘She’s amazing,’ he said, his eyes shining.
‘What? Is little brother in love?’
He raised his glass.
‘Name?’
‘Marjory.’
‘Not very American. Just how rich is she?’
‘None of your business.’
‘Where is this amazing lady just now?’
‘She’s back at the hotel.’
‘Why didn’t you bring her to meet me?’
‘Because I wanted to see you on my own first, we’ve a lot of catching up to do.’ He grew solemn. ‘I’ve missed you, you know.’
‘Yeah right,’ I answered, feeling myself shrink into my seat and away from the implied affection, but simultaneously pleased at his response.
‘You’re the only brother I’ve got.’ He looked deep into my eyes. Assessing. Probing. It made me feel uncomfortable. ‘I don’t want us to be strangers anymore, John.’
I was touched, perhaps it was time for both of us to grow up. But not quite yet. There was still some undealt with resentment on my part.
‘How long are you and Marjory staying in Glasgow?’ I asked.
He laughed. ‘After me saying I no longer want us to be strangers, we’re leaving tomorrow. We’re on Marjory’s version of the Grand Tour.’ He spoke the last two words in a self-mocking tone. ‘We’re going all around Europe. Driving down to London tomorrow – hence the car. Then flying across to mainland Europe and Paris, Madrid, Prague. Should be a lot of fun.’
‘Good for you.’ I couldn’t disguise how disappointed I felt.
His expression slumped, then darkened as he read my tone. He held his hands out to the side. ‘I can’t do it, John. I can’t.’ There was a sense of deep pain in his eyes.
‘You didn’t come back for Dad’s funeral. And now you’re leaving me to cope with family stuff on my own again. Fucksake, Chris. Doing the drug and beach tour thing while you were still a kid was fine, but it’s time to grow up.’
I looked away from him, out of the window. Then I put my glass down and, crossing my arms, folded into myself. It was great to see him again, but the realisation that he was only here by accident and on his own terms hurt.
‘Really? You’re giving me the “grow up” line?’ He looked around. ‘This flat is like the space where boys’ toys go to die.’
‘Shut up. You love it.’
‘True,’ he grinned. He closed his eyes, exhaled. Then he looked over at me with a conciliatory smile. ‘We’ve got a table booked at the hotel for dinner in an hour. Join us? Marjory would love to meet you.’
‘Sorry,’ I said feeling a little spiteful, then instantly regretting it. ‘I’ve got a busy night. Lots of papers to mark and hand over to students in the morning.’ I was caught between resentment of him and pleasure that he wanted to spend the time with me.
‘My bad,’ he said. ‘I should have warned you we were coming.’ He clapped hard down on his thighs. ‘But I wanted it to be a surprise.’
‘Yeah, well.’ I fought to keep my tone even. ‘All the time with Mum over the last few days means I’m behind on my work, so I need to spend the evening elbows deep in teen angst.’
‘I hear you,’ Chris said as if he was acknowledging how let-down I felt. ‘Next time I’m over you and I will really talk.’ His blue eyes pierced mine.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I asked with a sinking feeling. The words ‘really talk’ were heavy with importance. At least to him. What did he need to talk to me about? I’d had enough of revelations. Life could get back on an even keel any time soon.
‘Never mind; it will keep for now.’ He stood up, indicating it was time for him to leave.
I had a thought. ‘Can you hold on a minute? There’s something I need to show you.’
‘Sure,’ he replied with a quizzical look on his face. I pulled the photo out of my jacket pocket and handed it to him.
‘What’s this?’ he asked, looking from me to the photo. He squinted, then smiled. ‘Eeesh, when did you ever have a haircut like this? Flat-top boy. And who’s the kid?’ He looked over at me. ‘I recognise Portencross. Some family outing that, eh? Half a mile down the road.’ Then, back down to the photo: ‘Hang on … That car has a weird number plate. Whose car was that?’
‘I’m guessing Dad’s. Why would he take a photo of me leaning against someone else’s car?’
He turned the photo over and read what Dad had written there. ‘That’s his writing.’ He made a face. ‘Why am I not in this picture? It says “the boys” here. That was always how Mum and Dad referred to us two.’ He paused. ‘This makes no sense.’ He looked back to the photo. ‘And the car – it’s old.’ He looked back up at me.
I read the look and knew instantly where he was going. ‘That was always Dad’s thing, wasn’t it? A new car every two years,’ I said. And he had a thing for Fords.
‘This is a Ford Sierra,’ Chris said.
He was always a bit of a petrol-head so I took his word for it.
‘And look at your hair … and Jesus, that shell suit. When did you ever have a shell suit?’
I shook my head, utterly mystified.
Chris brought out his phone, and tapped on the screen as he mumbled about Ford Sierras.
‘Right,’ he read. ‘Those cars were phased out in 1989. No way did Dad have a Sierra when you were a teenager. He would have gone on to the Mondeo by then.’ He went back to the photo. ‘The smaller kid though…’ He looked at me, his mouth hanging open.
‘What’s going on?’ I asked, feeling the world shift around me.
His face was pale with the realisation. ‘You’re the infant here, John.’
‘What?’
‘Look closer at the older boy. Sure, he looks like you … but he doesn’t quite … Jesus.’ He put the photo down on the sofa as if burned. ‘Now that I’ve thought about it, how could I possibly think that’s you? The hair, the tracksuit … the face. It’s almost you … but not.’
I shoved my hands in my pockets as if afraid to touch the thing, but still bent over to get a better look. Chris was right. The older boy wasn’t me.
‘Fuck,’ I said. ‘There could be more.’ I told him about the shoe.
He rubbed at his scalp and stared across at me. ‘What the hell have you stumbled onto?’
5
For minutes we sat in silence, each of us struggling to process the implications of the photo.
‘But…’ Chris began, then shaking his head he lapsed back into silence. Moments later: ‘It explains why I’m not in the photo.’
‘The resemblance is weird.’
‘Uncanny,’ Chris agreed. ‘And Dad wrote “the boys”. He has to be our brother.’
‘That’s quite a stretch.’ I shook my head and made a face. Chris had always been the imaginative one. ‘He could be anybody.’
‘“The boys”. Not “John and cousin whoever”. “The boys”.’ He paused. ‘And what cousins do we have, anyway?’
I considered what I knew about our parents’ extended families. Dad was an only child. His parents struggled to have children, we were told, and had him when they were in their early forties. They were both long gone. Mum had two sisters. I couldn’t remember much about them.
