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- Herausgeber: Icon Books
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Serie: Practical Guide Series
- Sprache: Englisch
Introducing Practical Guides: With 28 titles already in the series, these user-friendly, jargon-free books are written by established experts in their fields and complete with tips, facts, case studies, and effective exercises to help readers apply proven principles to everyday life and achieve their goals. This free eBook sampler contains extracts from the following: Introducing Psychology of Success; Introducing Positive Psychology; Introducing Ethics for Everyday Life; Introducing Psychology of Relationships; Introducing Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP); Introducing NLP for Work; Introducing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Introducing Mindfulness. Find out more about the series at introducingbooks.com
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Published in the UK and USA in 2012 by Icon Books Ltd,
Omnibus Business Centre,
39–41 North Road, London N7 9DP
email: [email protected]
www.iconbooks.co.uk
Sold in the UK, Europe, South Africa and Asia by Faber & Faber Ltd, Bloomsbury House, 74–77 Great Russell Street, London WC1B 3DA or their agents
Distributed in the UK, Europe, South Africa and Asia by TBS Ltd,
TBS Distribution Centre, Colchester Road, Frating Green, Colchester CO7 7DW
Published in Australia in 2012 by Allen & Unwin Pty Ltd,
PO Box 8500, 83 Alexander Street, Crows Nest, NSW 2065
Distributed in Canada by Penguin Books Canada,
90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3
Distributed to the trade in the USA
by Consortium Book Sales and Distribution
The Keg House, 34 Thirteenth Avenue NE, Suite 101,
Minneapolis, MN 55413-1007
ISBN: 978-184831-461-0
Text copyright © 2012 Alison & David Price, Bridget Grenville-Cleave, Dave Robinson, John Karter, Neil Shah, Dianne Lowther, Elaine Iljon Foreman & Clair Pollard, Tessa Watt
The authors have asserted their moral rights.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, or by any
means, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.
Typeset in Avenir by Marie Doherty
Contents
Copyright
Introduction
Introducing Psychology of Success
Activation!
Begin with the end in mind
Current versus future
Introducing Positive Psychology
Nutrition
Optimism
Physical exercise
Introducing Ethics for Everyday Life
Friendship
Romantic love
Introducing Psychology of Relationships
Knowing me, knowing you
The myth of sex
Introducing NLP
Using NLP to Win Friends and Influence People
Communication
Creating rapport
Introducing NLP for Work
Modelling
Language
Introducing CBT
Coping with bad times
Introducing Mindfulness
Space
Breath
Introduction
The Introducing Practical Guides are designed to help you improve your life. It’s as simple as that. A lot of self-help books can be little more than hot air. The Practical Guides are different. They take big ideas from real experts in their fields and get them working for you. The advice in these guides is backed up by real knowledge and research, but has been made uniquely concise and accessible to ensure that it can be used by even the busiest people.
From achieving your goals at home or in business to tackling self-esteem problems and depression, from building a sustainable relationship to thinking about how to be a better person, the series offers a wealth of resources to help you get the most out of your life – and the list of titles is expanding all the time.
This sample ebook is a selection of excerpts from different Practical Guides, intended to give you a taste of what the series has to offer. We hope that you find some useful information here, and that you will be encouraged to improve your life as a result – in whatever way you see fit. For more information on the series and a full list of available titles, visit www.introducingbooks.co.uk.
Happy reading!
The Icon Books Team
Introducing Psychology of Success
These first three chapters are taken from Introducing Psychology of Success. They will show you that it’s always worth making positive changes in your life, help you to make sure you are aiming for something that will really make you happy, and teach you the importance of balancing quick, current satisfaction against lasting future satisfaction.
Activation!
It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on Earth – and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Mike was aged ‘50-something’ when we had the pleasure of meeting him. He was a pleasant and relaxed man, with bright eyes and a smile on his face. Yet despite this, Mike was also quite frankly one of the most annoying people that you could meet when running a course on making the most out of your life and potential.
This wasn’t because, like some, Mike sat there all day with his arms firmly crossed and a sceptical look on his face that clearly read, ‘Go on then, motivate me!’ In contrast, he seemed to agree with the ethos of the course and was obviously engaged in learning. Yet despite this, in all the exercises designed to set goals and become energized to take action, Mike was adamant that there was absolutely nothing that he wanted to do differently in his life.
A common misconception:
There’s no point in changing my life. I’m happy sitting at home in my comfy armchair each evening and watching the television.
Rather than this common misconception, is there a different way to look at life?
The value of hindsight
Time travel may not be possible, but we can seek advice from those older and wiser than us and ask them the question: ‘If you could live your life over again, what would you do differently?’
Researcher Richard Leider has dedicated nearly 25 years to interviewing senior citizens, asking them just this question (let’s hope that he doesn’t regret spending all that time on it!). Fascinatingly, he found that, almost without exception, when senior citizens look back, they say the same things:
Firstly, make sure that you take regular ‘time out’ to look at the bigger picture, and to work out what you want from life. You get so caught up in the rat race of life that it usually takes a crisis to make you step back and re-visit what your priorities are.Secondly, be more courageous and take more risks. You are most alive when you are learning, growing, stretching and exploring.And finally, make sure that you work out, as early as possible in your life, what will make you genuinely fulfilled. Success is often measured in external ways, such as how big your house is or what job title you have, but the internal measure of how happy you feel inside is far more important.This book will help you to achieve all of these things, so that you don’t come to share the same regrets as the senior citizens Richard Leider interviewed. It will inspire you to step back and work out what you want from life, challenging you to ensure that the success that you seek will actually lead to lasting fulfilment. It will then give you the confidence and techniques to help you to achieve your dreams.
A final insight from Richard Leider’s research: as you grow older, life picks up speed. As you hit the second half of your life, everything moves faster and all of a sudden you realize that you are in your retirement. Looking back, it is obvious that time is the most precious currency in your life.
Consider your reaction to this exercise. How do you feel now? What have you learned about your time and your priorities?
So what will make you change your life?
After several hours of working with Mike, exasperated, we asked him, ‘Have you always felt this way? Have you always been confident that there is nothing you want to change in your life?’ Mike smiled and said:
No. About four years ago, I was driving on my bike and had an accident and very, very nearly died. Since then I have completely changed my attitude towards life and have made massive changes. I realized how precious it is and that it cannot be taken for granted.
Like Mike, many people are motivated to take action to make the most out of their lives following a wake-up call. Researcher Jonathan Haidt, from the University of Virginia, is fascinated by what happens to people like Mike who suffer a major life trauma.
Haidt learned that many people, far from finding the tremendous struggle makes their lives worse, discover that it helps them to grow. Specifically, it helps people to sort out their priorities in life and causes them to do things that are important to them and that they have perhaps not made time for up to that point. Adversity also acts as a filter – suddenly all of the petty and trivial concerns of everyday life become insignificant.
This message is poignantly highlighted by the story of Simon Weston. Simon was a 21-year-old solider aboard a British ship involved in the Falklands War. On 8 June 1982, enemy forces bombed the ship and Simon was caught in the blast. His body was covered in burns that disfigured him and have required over 70 major operations.
Despite his appalling trauma, in his book, Moving On, Simon says:
Getting injured wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened to me. In some ways it was even the best. Look at all the positive aspects of my life that have grown from my injuries. In the end, it’s not what happens to you that counts, but what you do about it. What matters is where you are going to take your life and how you are going to makes things better.
Since suffering his injuries Simon has become dedicated to helping others, driving him to achieve a number of feats he was otherwise fearful of, including skydiving and running the New York City Marathon.
Seize the day
If many people do take action to make the most out of their lives and potential following a wakeup call, the key message is this: why wait for a wake-up call to change your life?
Unless you have the fortune to be a genuine clairvoyant (if indeed such a person exists!) then you will never know what is going to happen to you in life. Although many of us live our lives thinking, ‘That’s an awful story, but that would never happen to me’, the harsh reality of life is that it could.
But more than that, wouldn’t it be fantastic if you could reap the benefits of achieving more from your life without having to survive a major life trauma. Make this the day that you seize the day.
Imagine that you found out that you only had 24 hours to live.
What would you do?Who would you want to speak to?What would you want to say to them?Now ask yourself: what do I need to do in the next 24 hours!
Take time out to look at the bigger picture of your life.Extend your comfort zone; take on a little extra risk.Your time is very precious; spend it doing what will be most rewarding.Get activated now, or in other words:
Dig a well before you are thirsty.
Harvey Mackay
Begin with the end in mind
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
Did you know that a study of the richest Americans revealed that 37% are less happy than the average American? If these people had been pursuing wealth as a means of happiness, that’s what we would call being ‘successfully unsuccessful’.
So, before we give you powerful techniques that will rocket power you to achieve your goal of becoming a multi-millionaire, we want to make sure that you are aiming for the right thing.
Drawing upon Stephen Covey’s ‘jungle clearing’storyas an analogy: it doesn’t matter how successful you are at felling trees and clearing undergrowth, or indeed how hard you work, if ultimately you are in the wrong jungle.
Before we explore any further, find a blank piece of paper and draw a picture to represent your dream life. Ask yourself, if I could make my life as good as it possibly could be, what would it look like?
It is important to remember this is about what makes you happy, not other people. What would your 10/10 life be?
If you don’t want to draw your ideal life, have a go thinking about your dream life using our FLOURISH model:
F: Friends – the people who you socialize with
L: Love – your romantic relationships
O: Occupation – how you spend your ‘working’ time
U: Usual environment – your home, its setting and the lifestyle opportunities it offers
R: Relatives – your relationships with your family members
I: Income – your personal finances
S: Spare time – how you spend your ‘free’ time
H: Health – your physical wellbeing
How would you FLOURISH?
Why do people end up being ‘successfully unsuccessful?’
Although it has been challenged as being somewhat over-simplistic, Abraham Maslow’s famous hierarchy of needs can still be really helpful in understanding why people end up in ‘the wrong jungle’ in the first place.
First here’s a quick overview of what the hierarchy of needs is: in 1943, Maslow proposed that we have five different types of needs. They all need to be satisfied, but critically, in the following order:
Basic needs – things we can’t survive without, such as air, water, food and shelter, then;Safety needs – like protection from physical harm or having the financial security to continue to support our basic needs, then;Social needs – satisfying our human requirement for companionship and involvement with others, then;Esteem needs – the requirement to be respected and valued or to be able to display signs of wealth and prestige, and finally;Self-actualization – the need to be everything that you are capable of being, and reaching your full potential in life.The hierarchy of needs in action
To see how the hierarchy of needs plays out in everyday life, let’s follow the story of Joe Average, who has recently graduated from university.
Over the past three years Joe has spent way too much money on beer and he is now officially broke, so he heads straight back to Mum and Dad to put a roof over his head and food on the table, therefore satisfying his basic needs (and clearly to satisfy the basic need of having his washing done for him too!).
After weeks of him loafing around the house watching daytime television, Joe’s mother gives him a kick up the backside and sends him down to the local temp agency to get a job. Joe somehow manages to land himself a low-level job in a good company. He begins to get a regular income and is able to pay for his own food, contribute some rent and begin to pay off his debts, therefore meeting some safety needs.
Joe has also made some new friends at work and has even found a girlfriend (that his mother actually likes), ticking lots of boxes in terms of his social needs. Joe then manages to get a permanent job in his company. The job is still nowhere near his dream job, but the pay is much better, and over the years he manages to do quite well at it. He gets promoted, becomes more qualified and earns the words ‘manager’ and then ‘senior manager’ in his job title. Joe’s esteem needs are comfortably met, especially with his nice new BMW convertible decorating the car park every day. He even manages to marry the girl that his mother liked.
But Joe hits 40 and his world is rocked by the sudden and unexpected death of his mother. He is haunted by his last phone call to her, when he had to cancel coming round to see her for dinner because he was asked to prepare a work presentation at short notice. Joe realizes that although he has a nice wife, he actually spends very little time with her and instead passes a lot of his existence (he can’t call it ‘life’) sitting in his glass box of an office doing a job he doesn’t enjoy and never even wanted in the first place. There’s no time for the gym and so now not only is he the proud owner of a set of BMW tyres, but also a hefty ‘spare tyre’ around his waist.
Then, to top it all off, he receives notice that he has been made redundant. A harsh moment of reality strikes – Joe should have prioritized dinner with his mother over the now pointless meeting. At the time, she didn’t seem important enough.
The point of this story is that many of us drift through life, very successfully climbing the hierarchy of needs, reaching close (but not close enough) to the top. This is being successfully unsuccessful.
If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll probably end up someplace else.
Lawrence J. Peter
Reaching real success
The problem is that we can reach a point of realization where we find that, because we didn’t ‘begin with the end in mind’, we are near the top of the hierarchy, but our current life cannot support us to move any higher. We are stuck. It often takes a life crisis, like bereavement or a redundancy, to get us to stop and think what we ultimately want from our lives.
But there is an even more sobering question to consider when trying to begin with the end in mind. That is: ‘Do I actually have the right end in mind?’ We have asked you to draw what 10/10 life would look like for you, and that was asking you to begin with the end in mind. Now we want to make the crucial point that even if you made that piece of paper come true, you still might not be happy.
Imagine that you have just picked up the keys to your very own, multi-million dollar house in glamorous Hollywood. It’s stunning – marble floors, contemporary but elegant bathrooms with the highest specification of fixtures and fittings. You have your very own swimming pool and hot tub. Life is perfect.
As you pull up to the impressive gates of your new home for the first time as the owner, you glance up the hill next to you and see Jennifer Aniston’s hill top mansion. With a pang of envy you think, ‘What would it be like to live in a house with that view?’
A critical piece of advice from this chapter: when considering what your dream life would be like, be aware of the research that shows us that even when you are really successful, you quickly adapt to what you acquire and you simply want more.
This is what psychologists call the principle of hedonic adaptation. For example, when you first climb into your brand new car, you feel a buzz of excitement. When you climb in the second time, it’s exciting, but less so. By the 547th time you get into the same car it barely has any impact on you at all.
This may help to explain why the richest Americans aren’t happier than the average American – they’ve adapted to their wealth and still have yet to reach the top of the hierarchy of needs or discover what will really make them happy. The impact of wealth on personal happiness is well summed up by the late David Lykken, who was Professor of Psychology and Psychiatry at the University of Minnesota: ‘People who go to work in their overalls on the bus are just as happy, on average, as those in suits who drive to work in their own Mercedes.’
Achieving genuine success
Many people define success in terms of money or possessions. However, an increasing amount of research makes it clear that most people don’t understand the difference between what they think will make them happy and what will actually make them happy.
I’m sure we aren’t the only people to look out of the window on a miserable cold, wet British day and think how much happier we would be if we lived in a sunnier climate. We are therefore fascinated by a piece of research in Martin Seligman’s book, Authentic Happiness. This research found that people from Nebraska (who live through harsh winter weather) think that they would be happier if they lived in California, but intriguingly there is no difference in happiness levels between people in Nebraska and California. We perhaps forget that many of the things that stress us out would still stress us out even if we lived in a perfect climate, and perhaps don’t appreciate how quickly we take our surroundings for granted.
So then, when beginning with the end in mind, what should we focus on if we want to achieve real success and fulfilment in our lives? The next chapter will show you a crucial key to cracking the secret of fulfilment. However, in the meantime here are a couple of other things that are worth doing.
Firstly, it’s worth setting goals aimed at making your relationships as strong as they can be. Research shows that having focused, trusting social relationships makes us happy.
Secondly, wherever possible, set goals that include doing something that is meaningful to you. It can be difficult to comprehend what your purpose is in life, but it’s certainly worth trying to work out sooner rather than later what this is and aligning yourself with it. The clear message from modern research and the wise words of our elders is that living life with a sense of purpose and meaning is ultimately what makes you feel fulfilled.
One way you could begin to discover what it is that would fulfil you is to answer this question we regularly pose: ‘If money was no object, what would you want to spend your time doing?’
Look back at the list of life goals that you made in the previous exercise. In the light of what you have just read about hedonic adaptation, the need for wealth and what really brings fulfilment in life ask yourself, ‘Am I focusing my precious time and energy in the right place?’
People can find that one of the most liberating moments of their life is when they realize that they don’t need to constantly strive to move to a bigger house, get a bigger car or get a better office. They are liberated because they are able to revisit their priorities and are no longer caught up in the never-ending spiral of constantly wanting more. You may have heard of a phenomenon called ‘yacht envy’ which occurs frequently in Monaco when multi-millionaires moor their luxury boat next to an even better one and feel that they need an upgrade. If that sounds ridiculous to you, remember that we probably all fall into a similar trap.
Make sure you’re pursuing success in the ‘right jungle’.Be aware of your own hierarchy of needs and how all aspects of your life are contributing to or detracting from these.Identify what self-actualization – the fulfilment of your potential – really means for you.This book rocket powers you to achieve success, but before we do that we want to be sure that all of your hard effort will pay off and make you happy (which in our opinion is real success). It is always important to begin with the end in mind and remember that having lots of money doesn’t mean that you have reached the top of the hierarchy.
Current versus future
Too often we are so preoccupied with the destination, we forget the journey.
Unknown
In the last chapter we promised you a secret key to help you to crack the challenge of finding lasting fulfilment in life. That secret key is all to do with burgers – well, what else would it be! There are four types of burger in life. Let’s look at them in turn …
The ‘outside a nightclub’ burger
You’ve had a great night out, it’s 2 a.m. and you stumble out of the nightclub with your rather merry friends. Then you get the munchies. And like a ray of light shining down in the car park, you see a van and tantalizing burger smells are wafting from it. You dig out what change you have left and purchase a burger, drooling at the mouth. You sink your teeth into it like a vampire. And then suddenly, you sober up and realize:
The burger tastes awful (CURRENT) and it’s really unhealthy for you (FUTURE).
The ‘health farm’ burger
