Making Marriage Work For Dummies E-Book

Steven Simring

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2011

Seitenzahl: 606

Beschreibung

The inspiration for countless one-liners, witty sayings, stage farces and not a few murder mysteries, marriage is more than just a relationship between two people. It's one of life's biggest adventures and a healthy marriage can be one of life's greatest gifts. But weathering the stresses and strains of married life and maintaining healthy marital bonds over a span of decades takes work, and sometimes you need help from a friendly expert. Which is where Making Marriage Work For Dummies comes in. Drawing on their experiences with thirty years of marriage, during which they raised three children, as well as decades of couples counseling, experts Steven and Sue Simring show you how to build a strong, happy and long-lasting marriage. They offer priceless tips on how to deal with most problems that come up between married couples, and they offer advice on how to: * Make your relationship more romantic * Work out big and small differences * Argue in ways that strengthen you relationship * Resolve disputes over money * Cope with mid-life change * Handle a spouse who cheats * Deal with families and in-laws * Reduce stress on your marriage * Understand your partner's annoying habits and quirks * Balance career and family goals * Seek professional help when you need it Illustrating their points with insightful, often amusing anecdotes from their own marriage and from the marriages of hundreds of couples they've counseled over the years, the Simrings explore such crucial topics as: * Deciding if marriage is right for you * Six common marriage myths * Understanding the roots of marital problems * Communicating with your partner * The do's and don'ts of fair marital fighting * Making marriage sexy * Examining the marriage life cycle * Ideas for resolving money differences * Succeeding with remarriage Filled with ideas you can use now to keep your marriage as strong as the day you took your vows, this is a survival guide for everyone committed to making marriage work.

Leseprobe

Making Marriage Work For Dummies

by Dr. Steven Simring and Dr. Sue Klavans Simring

with Gene Busnar

Making Marriage Work For Dummies®

Published byWiley Publishing, Inc.111 River St.Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774www.wiley.com

Copyright © 2009 by Wiley Publishing, Inc., Indianapolis, Indiana

Published simultaneously in Canada

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

Library of Congress Catalog Card No.: 99-66336

ISBN: 0-7645-5173-6

Manufactured in the United States of America

10 9 8 7

1O/TQ/QZ/QW/IN

About the Authors

Steven Simring, MD, MPH is coauthor of How to Win Back the One You Love (Macmillan). He is Associate Professor and Vice Chair of the Department of Psychiatry at New Jersey Medical School. He is the recipient of numerous awards for outstanding teaching. Dr. Steve Simring is a practicing psychotherapist who has served as an expert psychiatrist in numerous highly publicized civil and criminal cases.

Sue Klavans Simring, DSW is a practicing psychotherapist who specializes in working with couples and families. She is a lecturer at the Columbia University School of Social Work. Dr. Sue Simring has conducted independent research on the consequences of divorce, and has presented her findings in the academic literature. She has spoken extensively to professional and lay audiences.

The Simrings are coauthors of The Compatibility Quotient (Ballantine), a popular and helpful guide for couples who want to find out if they have made the right choice. Steve and Sue were regular guests on A.M.-Philadelphia for five years. They now make frequent appearances on such national TV talk shows as Oprah, Montel Williams, Maury Povich, Sally Jessy Raphael, and Ricki Lake. They have been married for 30 years and have three children.

Gene Busnar is a respected author and collaborative writer. His books include: Loving and Leaving: Winning at the Business of Divorce (The Free Press), KidBiz (Warner), Conquering Corporate Codependence (Prentice-Hall), Working for Yourself (McGraw-Hill), and The Winds of Turbulence (HarperBusiness).

Authors’ Acknowledgments

We would like to thank our agent, Linda Konner, for all her help and guidance throughout this process; Tami Booth of Hungry Minds, who believed in this book and came through whenever we needed support; and Tere Drenth, for her sensitivity and understanding, and for her skillful hands-on editing. Finally, we would like to express special gratitude to our patients, who continue to make our work as therpists stimulating and worthwhile.

Dedication

For Eric, Kira, and Owen Simring

For Liz and Nadine Busnar

A special dedication to

Minnie Klavans May 10, 1915 – September 19, 1999

Extraordinary artist, extraordinary mother

Publisher’s Acknowledgments

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Associate Permissions Editor: Carmen Krikorian

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Indexer: Steve Rath

Special Help Mary Goodwin, Jonathon Malysiak

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Contents

Title

Introduction

Why You Need This Book

How This Book Is Organized

Icons Used in This Book

Where to Go from Here

Part I : What It Means To Say “I Do!”

Chapter 1: Taking a Candid Look at Marriage

To Marry or Not to Marry?

Understanding Marriage Pluses and Minuses

Deflating Six Common Marriage Myths

Why Marriage Isn’t for Everyone

Knowing that Unrealistic Expectations Cause Problems

Chapter 2: The Five Building Blocks of a Working Marriage

Developing a Realistic View of Marriage

Treasuring What the Two of You Have in Common

Making Room for Separateness in Your Togetherness

Making the Most of Your Differences

Accepting That Not All Problems Can Be Solved

Part II : Can We Talk?

Chapter 3: Understanding the Roots of Marital Problems

Unraveling a Three-Sided Story

Working Together to Build a Stronger Marriage

Chapter 4: Communicating with Your Partner

Recognizing That You’re Always Communicating

Understanding How You Talk to Each Other

Husbands, Wives, and Their Communication Styles

Understanding the Importance of Negotiation in Marriage

Chapter 5: Fighting the Fair Way

Understanding That Fights Will Happen

Looking for Signs of Unhealthy Fighting

Negotiating to Prevent Fights, When Possible

Having a Healthy Fight

Following the Rules of Fair Fighting

Avoiding the Don’ts of Fair Fighting

Part III : Making Marriage Sexy

Chapter 6: Developing a Great Sex Life

Understanding Changes in Sexual Chemistry

Communicating Your Sexual Desires

Breaking Down Three Major Roadblocks to Good Sex

Understanding Why People Don’t Know What to Expect from Sex

Deflating Five Common Sex Myths

Chapter 7: When Sex Falters

Recognizing Potential Blocks to Sexual Pleasure

Understanding the Causes and Treatments of Sexual Dysfunction

Finding the Right Kind of Professional Help

Part IV : Examining the Marriage Life Cycle

Chapter 8: The First Years of Marriage

The New Most Important Person in Your Life

Understanding the Shifting Role of Friends

Coming to Terms with Changes in Sexual Chemistry

Adjusting to Each Other’s Rhythms and Quirks

Pinpointing Early Marriage Danger Zones

Chapter 9: The Growing Family

Deciding Whether You’re Ready for Children

Getting Ready for the Financial Hit

Understanding the Emotional Impact

Balancing Career and Family

Resolving the Childcare Dilemma

Deciding to Have a Second Child

Marriage without Kids

Chapter 10: Women and Men at Midlife

Recognizing the First Stirrings of Middle Age

Meeting the Challenges of Your “Second Adulthood”

Understanding Men’s Midlife Concerns

Understanding a Woman’s Emotional Changes at Midlife

Understanding a Woman’s Physical Changes at Midlife

Chapter 11: Making the Most of Marriage at Midlife

Evaluating Your Marriage at Midlife

Becoming a Couple Again after Children Grow Up

Redesigning Your Marriage

Caring for Aging Parents

Planning for Retirement

Chapter 12: Remarriage and Stepfamilies

Understanding the Emotions of Remarrying

Making a Second Marriage Work

Understanding the Complex Issues That Stepfamilies Face

Part V : Maintaining a Healthy Marriage

Chapter 13: Reducing the Stress on Your Marriage

Understanding Negative and Positive Stress

Dealing with Your Own Stressors

Keeping Stress from Undermining Your Marriage

Dealing with Stress in the “Red Zone”

Understanding the Connection Between Stress and Control

Assessing the Impact of Stress on Your Marriage

Chapter 14: Exploring the Role of Money in Marriage

Recognizing How You and Your Partner Deal with Money

Recognizing How Money Problems Can Threaten Your Marriage

Recognizing How Money Impacts the Balance of Power in Marriage

Understanding How a Flexible Marriage Protects Your Financial Future

Chapter 15: Examining Extramarital Affairs — and Knowing What to Do about Them

Understanding What an Affair Is — and Isn’t

Understanding Why (And When) Spouses Cheat

Understanding What to Do about a Cheating Spouse

Admitting versus Denying Infidelity

Rebuilding a Marriage After an Affair

Chapter 16: Getting Outside Help

Recognizing Problems that Require Outside Help

Finding the Right Kind of Outside Help

Deflating Six Common Therapy Myths

Chapter 17: Understanding Divorce and Its Alternatives

Deciding if Your Marriage Is Worth Saving

Winning Back Your Mate

Reframing Your View of a Flawed Marriage

Creating the Kind of Marriage That Works Best for You

Recognizing When Divorce Is Your Best Option

Part VI : The Part of Tens

Chapter 18: Ten Ways to Make Your Marriage More Romantic

Pay Attention to Your Appearance

Show Your Love Every Day

Use Words of Love

Use a Gentle Touch

Make Time to Be Alone Together

Do All of the Traditional Things — Even if They Seem Corny

Do Something Out of the Ordinary

Play and Laugh Together

Revisit Your Shared History

Chapter 19: Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Partner

“You Never” or “You Always”

“Yes, But . . .”

“It’s All Your Fault”

“Are You Getting Fat?”

“That’s Not My Job”

“Why Can’t You Be More Like . . .?”

“I’ll Try”

“Forget It, I Don’t Want to Fight”

“I’m Getting a Divorce”

Chapter 20: Ten Ways To Have a Fair Fight

Understand What’s Really Going On

Stick to the Issues

Listen Beyond the Literal Words

Look at Both Sides

Look for Ways to Bend without Breaking

Use Strategic Timing

Don’t Garbage-Bag

Don’t Go for the Jugular

Don’t Take the Moral High Ground

Make Sure Both of You Can Live with the Outcome

Chapter 21: Ten Signs That Your Marriage Is in Trouble

One Spouse Is Physically Violent

One Spouse Is Verbally Abusive

One Spouse Is Abusing Alcohol or Drugs

One Spouse Has a Problem with Compulsive Gambling or Compulsive Spending

One Spouse Is a Workaholic

One Spouse Is Having an Affair

One Spouse Is Depressed

The Two of You Disagree About Having Children

You and Your Partner Have Stopped Having Sex

You and Your Partner No Longer Enjoy Being Together

Chapter 22: Ten Ways to Have a More Exciting Sex Life

Make Sexual Contact Part of Your Everyday Life

Expand Your Sexual Horizons

Tell and Show Each Other What Pleases You

Unleash the Power of Fantasy

Take Advantage of Pornography

Make Special Time for Sex

Become an Artful Kisser

Don’t Focus Just on the Orgasm

Talk Sexy

Have Sex With Someone You Love — Yourself!

Appendix A: References

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 22

Sources of Quotations

Bibliography

Appendix B: Resources

Premarital Counseling

Therapy and Counseling

Infertility and Adoption

Sexual Difficulties

Stress

Retirement

Mental Illness

Alcoholism and Other Addictive Behaviors

Domestic Abuse

Divorce

Introduction

F or many people, marriage is a given. It’s one of many things that people are programmed to do, such as getting your high school diploma. The vast majority of people marry at least once, but enter the waters without a real idea of how and where they’re going to paddle. Our purpose in writing this book is to give you some guidelines you can actually use — a place to turn when questions come up or trouble strikes.

Trouble in a marriage can be a battle with your spouse over money, a snag in your sex life, tension with your in-laws, or an argument over how to deal with children. The problem can be something as simple as an argument over household responsibilities or forgetting a birthday. It can complicated as depression, physical or emotional abuse, or an addiction to alcohol, drugs, or gambling.

Making Marriage Work For Dummies deals with the big and small things that come up in the course of day-to-day living — and at all stages of the marriage life cycle. The book addresses the needs of women and men who are thinking about getting married, adjusting to married life, raising children, experiencing the stresses of middle age, or fighting to save a troubled marriage.

Marriage is a never-ending series of challenges, any one of which can throw you for a loop. Some couples go along for ten or twenty years, and then suddenly, something happens that makes one-or both partners feel lost or puts the future of the marriage in doubt. But small changes in what you do and say can often lead to major improvements in your relationship. That’s what this book is about: Showing you how to make the small changes that can make a big difference.

While making marriage work is a serious business, it can also be filled with humor and fun. That’s also an important part of what this book is about.

Why You Need This Book

Making Marriage Work For Dummies gives you a framework for understanding what it takes to sustain a successful marriage, and shows you how to apply that understanding to your relationship. The book also helps you work on specific areas of your relationship, and deal with problems as they come up. By exploring the chapters, you discover how to do the following:

Make your relationship more romantic.

Work out big and small differences.

Have a more exciting sex life.

Argue in ways that strengthen your relationship.

Handle a spouse who cheats.

Deal with families and in-laws.

Reduce the stress on your marriage.

Understand your partner’s annoying habits and quirks.

Balance career and family goals.

Seek professional help when you need it.

How This Book Is Organized

We want you to use Making Marriage Work For Dummies in the way that’s most comfortable for you. You can read the book from cover to cover and refer to relevant sections as the need arises. Or, you can use the book as a marriage fix-it manual, turning to the chapters or sections that answer specific questions or talk about key issues that are important to you.

This book is divided into six parts that make it easy to pinpoint your needs and address them in a direct and constructive way.

Part I: What It Means To Say “I Do!”

This part explores the ingredients for a successful marriage. We help you take a clear-eyed look at the condition of your marriage, and pinpoint the areas where it most needs improvement. We debunk some common marriage myths and replace them with realities you can build on, and also show you strategies that strengthen your relationship.

Part II: Can We Talk?

Part II of Making Marriage Work For Dummies begins by describing the causes of marriage problems. We show you different ways to solve problems between you and your partner. We also show you how to recognize ongoing patterns in your relationship that are often obvious to everyone but you. We give you the tools to negotiate big and small differences in your personal styles and preferences. Finally, we show you how to turn potentially hurtful arguments into win-win situations for both of you.

Part III: Making Marriage Sexy

Sex may not define a good marriage. Still, it’s not easy to sustain a vital relationship without a good sex life. In this part, we help you recognize and deal with both expected and unexpected changes in sexual chemistry. We show you how to communicate your needs and wants to your partner — and tell you how to insulate your sex life from career pressures, children, and other stresses. We help you recognize problems that can prevent you and your partner from enjoying sex, and show you how to increase the sexual compatibility between you. We explain male and female sexual problems, and show you how couples can resolve them — either on their own or with the help of a therapist.

Part IV: Examining the Marriage Life Cycle

Every marriage has a life of its own, apart from the lives of the two partners. A wife and husband who marry at a relatively young age and stay together for life will experience numerous personal changes in the course of those 40, 50, or more years. The structure and boundaries of the marriage will change as well.

First, there’s an initial adjustment period, during which a newly married wife and husband have to feel their way through a new and unfamiliar world. A few years later, many couples are expanding their families to include children — and dealing with the added challenges that those changes bring. By the time children reach adolescence, many parents are coping with the emotional and physical challenges of midlife. They may also be reassessing their relationship, and thinking of ways to change it. We help you understand and negotiate the many adjustments and challenges you may face during each phase of the marriage cycle.

Because many people find themselves living in a re-married or stepfamily situation at some point in their lives, we also explore the special considerations these families face, and offer guidelines for balancing the needs of children with a husband’s and wife’s needs as a loving couple.

Part V: Maintaining a Healthy Marriage

A number of factors keep a marriage healthy. In this part, we show you how to reduce negative stress, and how to use positive stress to strengthen your marriage. We explore the role of money in marriage, and show you how to resolve some common financial disputes. We discuss the causes of marital infidelity, so that you recognize your options in handling this delicate issue. We explore a number of alternatives to divorce, and show you the best places to turn for outside help, should that become necessary.

Part VI: The Part of Tens

No ...For Dummies book would be complete without this summary of top-ten tips. In this part, we highlight important issues in your marriage: How to put more romance into your relationship, things never to say to your husband or wife, the do’s and don’ts of fair fighting, a list of warning signs that your marriage is in trouble, and ways to put more excitement into your sex life.

Icons Used in This Book

Throughout this book, we use icons — small markers in the margins — to highlight information that we think is especially important. Here’s a rundown of what each icon means.

This icon points out tips, tricks, and techniques that can strengthen your marriage.

When you’re looking for step-by-step methods for improving an aspect of your marriage, keep an eye out for this icon. Here, we’ve earmarked homework for you and your spouse. Don’t worry, though, we won’t give you an exam!

The individuals and couples that we’ve counseled through the years have helped us see that the majority of marital problems can be solved — and that most marriages are well worth the effort it takes to keep them afloat. With this icon, we highlight their stories.

Steve and Sue, married to each other for 30 years, use this icon to give you advice from their own practices — and from their own marriage. Like any married couple, though, they don’t always agree with each other!

This icon gives you bits of advice to remember — chances are, they’ll come up again.

Caution! Beware! Watch out! This icon points out pitfalls and hazards. Proceed at your own peril.

Where to Go from Here

You don’t have to read this book from cover to cover: Simply dive into whichever chapter gives you the information that you need most. To understand how to communicate with your spouse, flip to the chapters in Part II. Chapter 7 gives you tips on improving a faltering sex life. Chapter 10 helps you decide when — and if — to include children in your marriage. In Chapter 15, you find pointers and techniques for managing money as a couple. And Part VI, the Part of Tens, gives you 50 ways to improve your marriage today.

Part I

What It Means To Say “I Do!”

In this part . . .

Whether you’re already married or considering tying the knot, reading this part gives you an eye-opening look at the realities of marriage, and separates these realities from all of the myths and unrealistic expectations that people take for granted. In Chapter 1, you have a chance to compare what you gain to what you give up when you marry. You find out why the fear of being “stuck in a relationship for life” can turn out to be one of the real pluses of choosing marriage over living together or remaining single.

Chapter 2 explores the building blocks of a successful marriage. We describe productive ways in which couples deal with differences and disappointments that erode loving feelings. We show you why no marriage can deliver absolute happiness, and help you assess whether your marriage is good enough to meet you and your partner’s emotional needs.

Chapter 1

Taking a Candid Look at Marriage

In This Chapter

Understanding the difference between living together and marriage

Recognizing why marriage isn’t for everyone

Understanding marriage pluses and minuses

Looking at what each partner gives up

Deflating six common marriage myths

I n this chapter, we talk about the key differences between marriage and other kinds of relationships. We look at some of the tradeoffs women and men face when they decide to marry, and help you take an objective look at the pluses and minuses of your marriage. Don’t worry — we don’t expect perfection.

We’ve been counseling married couples and navigating the twists and turns of our own marriage for three decades, so we know better than to expect perfection. Anyone who claims to have a perfect marriage is either clueless or overly attached to the myths that we deflate in this chapter — myths that would have you believe that happy couples should do everything together or that they never argue.

Whether you’ve been married for decades or are considering tying the knot, we help you take an honest look at your relationship and start pinpointing areas that can use improvement. A successful marriage isn’t rocket science. Mostly, it’s a matter of commitment to each other, love, mutual respect, and trying to have fun as you work at making it better.