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Phil Rickman

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Beschreibung

Grimly sinister. Written with blood-curdling aplomb. - Sunday Telegraph Leo Defford doesn't believe in ghosts. But, as the head of an independent production company, he does believe in high-impact TV. Defford hires journalist Grayle Underhill to research the history of Knap Hall, a one-time Tudor farmhouse that became the ultimate luxury guest house... until tragedy put it back on the market. Its recent history isn't conducive to a quick sale, but Defford isn't interested in keeping Knap Hall for longer than it takes to make a reality TV show that will run night after night... A house isolated by its rural situation and its dark reputation. Seven people, nationally known, but strangers to one another, locked inside. But this time, Big Brother may not be in control. A PHIL RICKMAN STANDALONE NOVEL

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NIGHTAFTERNIGHT

Also by Phil Rickman

THE MERRILY WATKINS SERIES

The Wine of Angels

Midwinter of the Spirit

A Crown of Lights

The Cure of Souls

The Lamp of the Wicked

The Prayer of the Night Shepherd

The Smile of a Ghost

The Remains of an Altar

The Fabric of Sin

To Dream of the Dead

The Secrets of Pain

The Magus of Hay

THE JOHN DEE PAPERS

The Bones of Avalon

The Heresy of Dr Dee

OTHER TITLES

Candlenight

Curfew

The Man in the Moss

December

The Chalice

Night After Night

The Cold Calling

Mean Spirit

Published in hardback in Great Britain in 2014 by Corvus, an imprint of Atlantic Books Ltd.

Copyright © Phil Rickman, 2014

The moral right of Phil Rickman to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities, is entirely coincidental.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Hardback ISBN: 978 0 85789 869 2E-book ISBN: 978 0 85789 871 5

Printed in Great Britain.

CorvusAn imprint of Atlantic Books LtdOrmond House26–27 Boswell StreetLondonWC1N 3JZ

www.corvus-books.co.uk

Contents

PART ONE: At the fading of day

A fine late afternoon in January and…

PART TWO: Before nightfall

Another January

1.House

2.Fairyland

3.Lights out, fires dying

4.A soul on eBay

5.Its own darkness

February

6.Something touched me

7.Feral

8.Shock of the cold

March

9.Until morning

10.Hunter-Gatherer

11.The significance of holes

12.All the reasons to be afraid

13.Holy Trinity

14.Watershed

15.Burned

16.Toast

PART THREE: Getting dark

Late September

17.Woohoo Hall

18.Still there

19.Little sister

20.Closed lips

21.Flawed people

22.Guantanamo

23.The bed

24.Two camps

25.Spent energy

26.Big word

27.Responsibility

28.Exorcizing Trinity

PART FOUR: Night…

Late October

29.Resentment

30.Skid beach

31.It lives here

Friday

32.Fouler seed

33.Domestic chores

34.A form of containment

35.Women and ghosts

36.Walk but they can’t sue

37.The eighth person

38.Fragrant

39.Death canal

PART FIVE: … after…

40.Iscariot

41.Electric pig

42.Losers

43.The rusty fender

44.KP

45.Dirty linen

46.Guilty

47.Shrine

48.Dirty lantern

49.Hurt

50.Surfeit of detail

51.Not to be understood

PART SIX: … night

52.Betrayed?

53.No wall

54.Fruitcake thing

55.Old and twisty lane

56.The haunted

57.Close to the land

58.Say goodbye

59.Last fruitcake

60.Script over it

61.Pure, bright water

62.The runes don’t work

63.Borrowing a ghost

64.Bits of you

65.White sadness

66.Landmark

67.Pig roast

68.Presenter

PART SEVEN: What you remember from the night

69.Victims reunited

70.Parameters

71.In the old and proper sense

NOTES AND CREDITS

PART ONE

At the fading of day

It is important to be aware that every ghost story… depends on the honesty of those telling it, the accuracy of their memory and the reliability of their interpretation of the circumstances.

Ian WilsonIn Search of Ghosts (1995)

A fine late afternoon inJanuary and…

…A HAUNTED HOUSE?

He wonders what this means, as he moves from dark room to even darker room, in the dust of discarded centuries. What is a haunted house?

Not an easy question. A case, there is, for saying that all houses are haunted and that this is rarely harmful. Everyone’s home holds the residue of sickness, physical and mental. Every house stores memories of pain and pleasure. Few walls have not absorbed howls of anger, purrs of passion – and not all of it normal.

But sickness is rarely infectious after five hundred years or more. Not all memories are active.

And how many of us are normal? He plucks a strand of cobweb from his tweed skirt.

Certainly not him.

The closing hour of a lovely day for the time of year. Outside, the walls of the house are still sun-baked. This is the beauty of Cotswold stone, it seems to store the sun, so that villages look from a distance like uncovered beehives.

A lovely day, a lovely old house – from the outside, at least – and a lovely woman.

She stands beside him on the steps. She’s wearing a heavy cloak of dark blue wool, ankle-length. The kind of cloak that women must have worn here when the house was young and held fewer memories, active or otherwise. From a distance, in certain lights, you might think she herself was a ghost.

‘Knap Hall was derelict for decades at a time,’ she says. ‘Eventually – and we’re talking in the 1970s, I think – it was divided up into rented apartments before it became a pub again. With a restaurant, this time. A gastropub – in the newer part, not here. Too costly to convert the older rooms, too many restrictions. So the rooms at this end, which are sixteenth century or earlier, have been mainly left alone. Which is good. For us, anyway.’

‘How did they get the people out?’ he wonders.

‘I’m sorry?’

‘Presumably some of the flats were still tenanted when it was sold for a gastropub.’

She shakes her head, doesn’t know. Perhaps they didn’t have to try too hard, he thinks. Perhaps people couldn’t wait to get out.

‘And what happened with the pub?’

Trinity shrugs.

‘Lot of pubs just close overnight these days, don’t they? And it was a bit isolated. And the smoking ban, of course.’ She smiles her helpless smile. ‘Actually, I don’t really know.’

He nods. He’s more interested in her mention a few minutes ago, of the house once being a home for maladjusted boys. A lot of anger there, you imagine, and torrenting sexuality.

‘It needs to be cared for,’ she says. ‘Don’t you think?’

He stares out across gardens that became fields again and are now being retamed.

‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I’m quite sure there are a number of things here that need some care.’

He turns, looks beyond the house, to what rises above it, crowned by a stand of Scots pine.

‘What’s that hill called? Is that the Knap?’

A wooden kissing gate lets them into a footway, partly stepped, leading steeply up behind the house, overlooking a walled garden, its bottom wall tight to the hill. In one corner, there’s a small stone building with a cross at the apex of its roof.

‘Domestic chapel?’

‘Used to be. The pub used it as a storeroom. Harry’s bought some old pews from one of those reclamation places and we’re having them installed. Do you think that’s a good idea?’

‘And perhaps you should have it blessed. A local priest will probably do it. Perhaps you could find out when it was consecrated. Not as old as the house, I would imagine, from the stonework.’

‘Can’t you do it?’

He smiles.

‘Not exactly my tradition, lovely.’

When they’re approaching the summit of the hill, he turns to take in the vast view, the setting sun spreading a deep watercolour wash over pastel fields and smoky woodland.

‘What’s that village over to the left?’

‘That’s Winchcombe,’ she says. ‘I never know whether it’s a village or a town.’

‘Ah, yes, so it is.’ He knows it well enough, drove close to its perimeter to get here today. ‘A large village these days with the heart of a town.’

A town in the old sense, a sturdy, working town, untypical of the modern Cotswolds. It has a strange history of growing tobacco.

‘All very old round here,’ she says. ‘And nothing barbarically new to spoil it. Not for miles and miles.’

‘Only the barbarically old. If barbaric is the word.’

‘I’m sorry?’

‘Belas Knap. If this little hill isn’t known as the Knap, it probably suggests the name of the house links with the Neolithic longbarrow.’

‘I suppose. It’s somewhere over there.’ She points vaguely at a wood behind the hill. ‘Only been once. A longer walk than I imagined. It’s just like an odd little hill. As if it’s erupted from the corner of the field. Or it’s landed from somewhere. Doesn’t look five thousand years old with all that new stonework.’

‘Probably a matter of health and safety.’

‘There used to be dead people in there. I think they took away dozens of skeletons. I’m quite glad you can’t see it from here.’

‘I should take a look.’

‘You wouldn’t get there before dark. It’s quite steep and treacherous. The ground.’

Fingers moving inside her cloak, holding it closed at the front.

‘Perhaps not, then,’ he says. ‘Perhaps when I return.’

‘I hope you’re going to.’

‘You know me, lovely. Be with you, I will, at the merest beckoning of a finger. Now we’re in touch again. Now I know where you are.’

She smiles. A hand emerges from the cloak and she squeezes his arm affectionately as he raises it to point to something two or three miles away which lies like a chunky copper bangle in an open jewel case of green baize.

‘Sudeley Castle?’

‘Yessss.’ Her hair’s thrown back, and he sees her face is shiny with… pride? For someone else’s luxuriously appointed castle? ‘You know it, Cindy?’

‘I know a little of its history.’ He’s done some reading. ‘And its ghosts, of course.’

‘Oh,’ she says. ‘Is there more than one?’

Back inside the house, she shows him a leaflet for Sudeley, displaying an aerial view of the castle with its velvety gardens. Walk in the footsteps of Kings and Queens, it says on the front.

There’s a cut-out figure over the castle: a tall, slender woman, from a painting, her waist forming the point of a V, in a sumptuous red dress. She has delicate, composed features and her multi-ringed fingers are spread over her abdomen. Red stones in the rings, the necklace and the choker.

He rather likes her. She has, for the period, an unusually kind, intelligent face. The sixth wife of Henry VIII, herself four times married. One of the survivors.

Trinity, of course, played her in the British feature film The King’s Evening. Not a very good film, he recalls, and Katherine Parr does not appear until the last quarter; there’s much more about the flighty Catherine Howard – wife five, beheaded for adultery. Adultery is always more cinematic. As is beheading, of course.

‘You felt close to Katherine Parr?’

‘More than any woman I ever played.’

‘And that’s why you wanted to live here?’

‘She’s the only Queen of England to be buried at a private house, rather than some cathedral. Did you know that?’

‘I didn’t know that.’ Through the old, sour-milk panes of a mullioned window, he watches a hill beyond Sudeley Castle catching fire in the last rays of the sun. ‘Didn’t survive Henry for long, mind, poor dab.’

Falling rapidly into the arms of Thomas Seymour, brother of Jane, wife three, and then…

‘What complicated times those must have been, Trinity.’

‘And so close,’ she says. ‘When you’re here.’

She’s standing near enough for him to sense the tremor under the cloak. It’s cold in here, colder than outside, though there are signs of a recent fire in the vast ingle. The room, unfurnished except for a window seat with a cushion, has uneven oak panelling on two walls and another is a dense wooden screen. The room’s been cleaned out and stripped back quite recently. She insists everything will be finished in time for the summer, but the smog of dark history is not so easily dispelled.

Outside there are ladders and scaffolding. It’s Saturday tomorrow but the renovation work will apparently be continuing. No expense spared to make the place habitable… and more, much more.

She’s told him she didn’t want a house someone else had restored. She wanted somewhere neglected, unwanted, misused. Well, he supposes a gastropub qualifies as misuse. Nothing left of that now. He suspects it had all gone before the builders and carpenters moved in. Starting their operations here, at the core of the house, and working outwards, drawing in the newer sections, opening up the stairs, rediscovering bedrooms – of which there might be as many as twenty. Like most houses with land, it’s been added to over the years, and not always sympathetically.

‘Trinity, was this house – when it was much smaller – connected with Sudeley? One of the castle farms, perhaps?’

‘I certainly feel it was,’ she says protectively. And then opens her arms. ‘I can’t wait. Can’t wait to fill it with people. Harry isn’t sure it’s going to work, but… I just think it will.’ Her arms drop. ‘Cindy, love, you’ve been awfully quiet. Is there something you’re not telling me?’

He doesn’t react quickly enough and knows she’s seen his expression. Feels terrible, he does, knowing how much this place means to her. But there are better houses than this, if you have the money, which surely they do.

But they’ve bought it now, see, that’s the problem. No going back. Seems she tried to find him months ago, when he’d changed his mobile phone number, and his email address to something confusing. Eventually, she employed an inquiry agent to track him to West Wales.

He only wishes he felt more worthy of her faith in his instincts.

‘I won’t lie to you, lovely,’ he says. ‘I suspect that it’s had its moments, this house.’

And he thinks she feels that, too, but doesn’t want to tell him something, in the hope that she’s wrong.

‘Is that so unusual, a place this old?’

He forces a shrug.

‘Just me, it is, probably.’

They’ve known one another for quite some years now, since the night she was the star guest on the BBC’s National Lottery Live, which he was presenting at the time. The night she activated the big-money balls in the machine. Before her marriage, this was. They had dinner afterwards and began a period of exchanging confidences, when he learned about her yearning for the English countryside and a gentler, more gracious way of life, while at the same time recognizing the irony in her situation: that to attain her pastoral dreamworld she must struggle on for a while through the brash and frenzied carnival of popular culture.

And then she married Harry Ansell.

‘You’re not staying here alone?’

‘No, no. I’m going back to Cheltenham. I wouldn’t mind staying here, we have one bedroom more or less finished, but I promised Harry I wouldn’t. He’s in America till the middle of next week.’

‘Don’t,’ he says. ‘Don’t be alone here, yet. Not being funny, see, but…’

She looks at him with dismay. The mullioned window is becoming rosy with evening. A hostile dampness will soon be forming in the gloom of the passages between rooms, like the furring of old arteries.

‘It’s a lonely place,’ he says lamely. ‘Well, that is… there are few places it’s safe for a woman to be alone nowadays. Especially a… someone like yourself.’

‘Oh, I’m not worried about that.’ A small, amused light in her eyes. ‘We have a security firm patrolling at night. And Katherine is…’

He looks sharply at her. Katherine Parr again.

‘I don’t know quite why I’m asking this, Trinity, but… has the late queen been seen… here?’

‘Well… maybe.’

‘By whom?’

‘Different people, over the years. I’m not sure.’

‘Including you?’

‘Not clearly. I sometimes think I see her watching me from a doorway. Very pale. And lights. And a smell of something sweet… perfume. I don’t know.’

‘What kind of perfume? Roses? Herbs?’

He doesn’t know much about sixteenth-century scents but suspects we would not necessarily recognize them as such. Less a precursor of Chanel No 5 than a way of masking the pervading body odours caused by extremely infrequent bathing.

‘A sweet smell, anyway,’ she says. ‘Quite strong. Pungent.’

‘And why did you think it was Katherine Parr?’

How likely was it, after all, was it that Katherine would have placed one dainty shoe on the pitted track to Knap Hall, a farmhouse full of rushes and rats?

‘Little lights,’ she says. ‘There was a pattern of tiny red lights, like a constellation, in the… figure. I thought of rubies. Katherine wore a lot of rubies.’

‘But why would she come here?’

‘To get away from Thomas Seymour?’

Thomas Seymour of Sudeley – it was his castle, but after their rapid marriage she seems to have given him much of the money left to her by the King to make it splendid. Seymour is remembered not fondly by history, mainly because of his alleged attempts to have sex with the King’s daughter Elizabeth – the future Elizabeth I – when she was not much more than a child. Katherine seemed to have been in love with him since long before Henry sent for her to be his queen. But to Seymour, she might still have been second best. Not so long after Katherine’s death, Seymour was executed for treason.

‘The Bishop who eventually gave him the last rites,’ Trinity says, ‘or whatever you did before an execution, said he was “wicked, covetous, ambitious” and… something else bad. On her deathbed – probably delirious – Katherine’s said to have bemoaned his treachery – his attentions to Elizabeth.’

‘And you think perhaps she came up here to get away sometimes from him?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Or meet a secret lover, maybe?’

‘I never thought of that. There’s also supposed to be a good-looking young man seen here. Fair-haired, wearing leather.’

‘Who told you that?’

Trinity looks a little vague.

‘Do you feel she’s happy… Katherine, if… when she’s here?’

‘I’m not sure.’

Although they’re inside, she draws up the capacious hood of her winter cloak, half turning so he can’t see the expression on her face, muffling her response. Keeping something to herself.

‘She died in childbirth?’

‘After childbirth,’ she says. ‘Complications.’

‘Not uncommon in those days.’

Something not terribly healthy here. If the only reasons for Katherine to be at Knap Hall lie in the emotional needs of a woman who once played her in a film which was not really about her…

‘Trinity, would you do something for me? Would you have time to keep a little diary? Recording anything that happens, as soon after the event as you can. Would you do that?’

‘OK.’ She nods. ‘I can try. Have to be done under cover. Harry wouldn’t exactly approve. He’s… not a believer.’

‘Presumably he doesn’t know I’m here.’

She laughs.

‘He doesn’t even know I know you. Poor Cindy. But I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone else about all this. In my situation there are so few people you can ever really trust. Not even a vicar or anyone who might just want to… you know… get rid of her?’

Oh dear. She’s being selective here. Something bad she wants removed, but something she perceives as good. A question of babies and bathwater. Not really how it works.

‘Let’s make it a secret diary, then,’ he says.

‘The Secret Diary of Trinity Ansell, aged thirty-four and a half.’

They both laugh.

Another woman he could have loved, if he was normal.

At the door of his car, parked on the rubble forecourt, he turns back and sees her standing outside the broken porch in the last light. A chill on the purpling air, and her face is shaded by the hood. She looks more ghostly than ever, more ephemeral, more… temporary.

Essentially she hasn’t changed. Just because people have become rapidly rich doesn’t mean they become bad or selfish, self-indulgent, haughty, morally lax or corrupt. And if Katherine Parr looked this good then Henry VIII was a luckier man than he deserved to be.

What he’s decided is that he’ll drive out of the gate, park up the lane and then find his way to the top of the hill again, alone, absorbing what he can, feeling the landscape so that it can be journeyed back to, in his meditation. He notes all the outbuildings he hasn’t even entered, particularly the long stable block with its wide arched doorways and a belltower that’s probably older than the one on the chapel at the rear.

How to help a woman who – dear God – wants to be haunted?

But selectively.

He watches Trinity standing by the Elizabethan porch and thinks she would actually have been quite at home in Tudor times, might even have caught the King’s eye. She has a feel for history, and not in an academic way, and she senses the liminal nature of this landscape. The popular media will occasionally notice, with scornful amusement, her openness to clairvoyants, tarot-readers and… well… people like him.

As Trinity waves, he feels an entirely unexpected sting of tears, giving way to the dampening dread he so hoped he would not experience here. She wants somewhere to love and hopes she’s found it. But he doesn’t think this house, haunted or not, will love her back.

PART TWO

Before nightfall

Do I believe in ghosts? To which I answer that I am prepared to consider evidence and accept it if it satisfies me.

M.R. JamesPreface to The Collected Ghost Stories of M.R. James (1931)

Another January

1

House

from: Leo Defford, Head of Production, HGTV

to:     Paul Cooke, Commissioning Editor, Channel 4

Confidential update

Paul,

You’ll be glad to know that we have a final – and unexpectedly accommodating – agreement with Harry Ansell for the lease of his house until the end of the year. So that’s the first major hurdle out of the way. I was beginning to fear we’d never find somewhere entirely suitable.

Just to remind you, Knap Hall is an extended early-Tudor farmhouse in the hills above Winchcombe in the Northern Cotswolds. The house is set in about twenty acres of grounds, in an isolated location which, of course, suits our requirements. The word’s gone out that we’re developers preparing to reopen it as a hotel, so the increased traffic, installation of portacabins, etc., will arouse no suspicions locally.

Knap Hall is obviously best known through its connection with Mr Ansell’s late wife, Trinity. Until her death, the Ansells had been running it as a uniquely high-end country guest house, patronized mainly by wealthy tourists in search of the authentic Elizabethan experience without the period discomforts. We don’t intend to reveal the connection with Trinity Ansell, either to viewers or the inmates, until the seventh and final night, by which time her presence at Knap Hall may or may not have been proved significant.

Previously, the house has been a pub, a youth hostel and a home for antisocial boys. To my knowledge, it has never been featured on TV or radio or been included in any ‘haunted Britain’ guides.

We’ll be assigning an experienced researcher to the task of unearthing and documenting the relevant history of the house. As we understand some of the disturbances have been quite recent, we’ve asked her to talk to people employed there during the period of the Ansells’ occupancy who may also be useful as interviewees. The main aim, however, is to have points of reference for anything reported over the seven nights.

At present, our researcher is a journalist from a freelance news agency who knows only that it’s connected with a proposed TV documentary. Now we know where we’re going, we’ll need to think about having someone on a permanent contract.

As agreed, I’ll keep you fully in the picture.

best,

Leo.

PS. I’ve only made one short visit to Knap Hall, but I think it’s fair to say that it is (rubbing hands in gleeful anticipation) supremely unwelcoming.

2

Fairyland

GRAYLE SEES A shoulder of near-black cloud leaning on the hill, and she flinches. For no real reason – it’s probably just raining up there, or something. Only to someone a little twisted would dark weather look like a personal warning.

She’s driving impatiently to the end of all that modern housing mushrooming out of once-rural villages with pretty names like Bishop’s Cleeve and Woodmancote. A big, crowded suburb, now, without a city to give it identity, only the long and craggy hill beyond it.

This hill, ahead of her now, is Cleeve Hill, which forms the ramparts of the Cotswolds. She’s looking for a stone farmhouse, which should be obvious and isn’t.

Is this because she doesn’t want to find it?

Because she doesn’t want to be here at all, psyching herself up to go lie to someone who lost her job under tragic circumstances? The simple solution is to just call up the agency and quit before they fire her. Bequeath this crap to someone else. Above all, don’t get interested. Don’t, like, revert.

Grayle pulls into the side of the road, stops the car, plucks the cellphone from the dash. Go on. Do it. Might be throwing away however many weeks’ wages they feel obliged to give her along with their good wishes for a better life, but what the hell? She takes a breath and…

… no signal.

No signal? Here?

Holding up the phone in a futile kind of way, she sees, through a side window, across the pale grey fields, two tall chimneys on top of a stone farmhouse.

It starts to rain. Grayle starts to laugh.

Tosses the phone on to the passenger seat, knowing she’d never have made that call anyway. These were just excuses; her problems are more fundamental. Like that she could be going crazy again. She leans forward to start the car, raising a hand to pull the hair out of her eyes, the way she habitually used to.

Before having most of it cut off.

Grayle peers at herself in the rear-view mirror. Jesus, she even looks crazy now.

The young woman’s name is Lisa Muir and she’s the only one of them who’s agreed to talk to Grayle. The others were saying things like, Just can’t let it go, can you? and We had enough of you vultures at the time and Who told you about me, who gave you my number?

The stone farmhouse seems secure in the middle of its land. But, as Grayle parks the Cooper on the edge of the yard, she can see, through the wintry trees, red and pink modern housing creeping up like a skin rash.

The farm belongs to Lisa’s parents, who are not at home because it’s market day someplace and Lisa says they like to make a day of it. She takes Grayle into a rear parlour where long, grey velvet curtains frame a misty flank of Cleeve Hill. Two chocolate labradors follow them in.

Lisa’s looking apprehensive. She’s about twenty-two, with neat brown hair and a baby smile. One of those slightly posh but not over-educated young women looking for a respectable but not too taxing job before marriage to someone solid. In other words, not the kind of kid who would normally take a post with the job description scullery maid.

‘I mean, it sounded kind of hands and knees,’ she says when they’re sitting down with a coffee pot on a low table between them. ‘Bucket? Scrubbing brush? I’m going, Oh, come on…’

Lisa shakes her head dizzily. Grayle smiles over her cup.

‘You had to wear a uniform?’

‘Kind of. Well, not the… you know, the stiff black and white Victorian stuff, thank God. Just dull clothes, really, a bit dowdy, and no jewellery.’

She’s making up for that now. Pink cashmere sleeves are pushed up to show off a bunch of thin gold bangles. Judging by the velvet drapes and the quality landscape paintings in the room, her dad is probably what used to be called a Gentleman Farmer.

‘The money though… that was really good. And let’s be honest, even if it was crap you’d still grab their hands off to be working for Trinity Ansell. It really delivered on what you were hoping for. Like, every time a car pulls up outside, you’re off to the nearest window. Who’s it going to be? What film was he in? You know?’

Lisa giggles self-consciously, but her eyes are soon clouding over, both of them knowing this is a narrative that isn’t going to end well. She picks up a magazine from the sofa beside her, opens it to a picture feature that Grayle has seen before, headed

A TUDOR COUNTRY HOUSE WEEKEND WITH TRINITY

The magazine is Cotsworld, Harry Ansell’s flagship glossy. Grayle’s been reading about Harry, a Londoner who made his first millions out of downmarket hobby and computer-games mags in the 1980s. How all that got sidelined to another company and left behind, along with his old name, once Harry married Trinity Ansell, the ultimate trophy wife, and became a serious country gent. Acquiring one of those traditional rural lifestyle magazines, with pictures of landowners’ daughters marrying army officers, supplements on the best boarding schools and thirty pages of country houses that are never going to sell at those prices.

‘You can just see me in the right-hand corner. There…’

Lisa’s holding up a big picture, across most of two pages: guests arriving, as sunset turns to night, on the forecourt of an historic country house, its walls softly lit, Cotswold gold. The oak front door is thrown wide, and there’s a tall woman in a long skirt, with her dark hair up, in a warm halo of candlelight. And, yes, Lisa, slightly out of focus, helping with some baggage.

The picture says it all. Trinity was already famous – supermodel turned actress, two Hollywood movies behind her – when her new husband gave her the magazine to play with and a pile of money. Within three years Cotsworld was an international bible of taste and upper-class chic. The quintessential guide to English luxury-living in a fairyland of rolling hills and golden homes where most of your neighbours are movie stars and royalty. The kind of England you can’t find any more in multicultural London.

A vivid myth, Grayle thinks, as Lisa reverently lays down the magazine, still open, on the cushions beside her.

‘The house… I mean they’d spent loads on it. I can just about remember it being a pub, and my grandfather told me it was once a school for maladjusted boys. Intensive bad-kid rehab, with these big fences? Horrible, really. Rough, you know? Took a lot of work.’

‘But originally it was a farmhouse, right? Late medieval?’

‘Tudor times, anyway. Bits got added over the centuries until it was like a mansion? From the outside, now, it looks like it’s all the same period, but some of it’s only about a hundred years old, maybe less. Mr Ansell had it done up so it all looked old, including the newer parts. Only he didn’t clear it with the council, and some of these historical buildings experts were going berserk. It was in the papers, how he was going to be taken to court. But he had good lawyers and historical experts and… a lot of money. And he was doing it for her. So it all got done. One way or another.’

Grayle nods, lets Lisa talk. Smiling and nodding encouragingly, just another awed American, like all the ladies who hauled their husbands to Knap Hall. Not The Knap Hall Hotel. Obviously, it was a hotel, but what people were paying for was a weekend as country-house guests. Her guests. Trinity. Her idyll.

‘There won’t be anything like this again, ever.’

Lisa looking down at the luscious, twilight picture in Cotsworld, which enshrines her most cherished memories. She closes the magazine, Grayle wondering if she’s only agreed to talk today as a way of reclaiming the golden past. She was young, she was at the centre of all that, and now it’s gone and she’s still young, and life stretches ahead like a dirt road.

‘Why did she want to do this?’ Grayle asks. ‘Why did she want to open her lovely house to… paying guests?’

‘Oh, they weren’t just— I mean they were paying… a lot. Far more than a five-star hotel. As her guests, at her house. With other people they recognized from TV and movies. Except, they weren’t paying, the celebs, they really were guests.’

‘So Cotsworld magazine illustrated the fantasy, and the Knap Hall Experience made it real – at a price.’

‘That was how it all started. A special offer to Cotsworld readers – the ones who subscribed. It didn’t say you had to be a millionaire, but… I mean it was the next best thing to staying with Charles and Camilla at Highgrove.’

At her own mention of royalty, Lisa’s eyes flicker, guarded.

‘What exactly did you say this programme was?’

She wants to talk about it, maybe even appear on TV as a part of it, but she doesn’t want any of it betrayed or devalued. She’s glancing nervously at the digital recorder on the coffee table between them.

‘It’s, um, still in development, Lisa, so I’m not allowed to tell you too much. Except that it relates to the, um… the tragedy of Trinity Ansell. And some of it will be shot at the house – with Mr Ansell’s permission. And you’ll get a fee for talking to me and, of course, a larger one if we record an interview.’

Lisa nods, happier.

‘OK.’

‘What were they like, the Ansells? What was he like? I’m just recording this for myself – no one else will hear it.’

‘Well, he… I mean, you’re a woman, what would you call him? An “ex-hunk”?’

‘At my age, maybe not quite so “ex”.’

She’s had Harry Ansell pointed out to her. The Three Counties office is not far from the Cotsworld block where he works most days. Like the building, he’s stone-faced now, and you really wouldn’t want to invade his space. Harry Ansell, who used to be Harry Burgess. Not too many men take their wives’ names. Maybe it was about love, but it must also surely have been about business. And a kind of ownership. He was acquiring her fame.

‘He kept himself pretty fit,’ Lisa says. ‘They had a gym in the old stable block, and they used to ride, and he went out with the hunt for a while – she didn’t like that. Hunting. And yet she did in a way ’cos of the kind of people that were in it. That was the way she was, neither one thing nor the other. You remember Princess Diana? Royal but… not really. Before my time, but I’ve seen TV stuff. I expect you’d still be in America back in her day.’

‘Trust me, Lisa. We knew more about Princess Di in America than we knew about any other English person, ever. Trinity Ansell was… like that, how?’

‘Not to look at, obviously – she was dark. But sometimes she was this gracious lady, and you felt you had to curtsy if you met her on the stairs, whereas other times it was like she wanted to be your mate? Sometimes you thought she looked like… like she needed mates. You know? But when the house was full of titled people and celebs, you were just a servant again, and—’

‘But why… what I’m trying to get at, why open up her actual home to wealthy readers? Why not just live there? I guess it wasn’t about money.’

‘We used to talk about it a lot, down in the staff sitting room at night. It was the nearest thing you could get to the authentic old country-house scenario. The place full of servants, making sure the house was sparkling and the fires were always stacked up with logs. And the guests… I think she almost forgot they were paying to be there. It was as if she was dispensing… what’s the word…?’

‘Largesse?’

‘Probably. I think she saw them as like… retainers? Courtiers and ladies-in-waiting. Always kept just the right distance between her and them.’

Grayle smiles but Lisa’s serious. No, it wasn’t about money. This was about keeping Trinity happy. And these weekends must have paid all the staff wages twice over, which probably kept Harry Ansell happy, too. For a while.

‘She was pretty smart, actually,’ Lisa says. ‘She was at university when she first became a model, did you know that? Doing history. She supervised all the work at Knap Hall – like, “this looks right”, or “that’s out of period, get rid of it”. Not getting her hands dirty, obviously, don’t want to break a nail, do you? She’d drive down to the castle quite a lot, see what they’d done there.’

‘The castle?’

‘Sudeley. They call it the most romantic castle in England. Henry VIII stayed there with Anne Boleyn. And after he died… Katherine Parr?’

‘The sixth wife?’

‘Who survived. And then got married to Thomas Seymour who owned Sudeley Castle. And she moved there, and she died there. So that’s… two queens of England. Mrs Ansell – Trinity – she loved that. Being able to look down from the Hall, from their apartment upstairs, towards Sudeley Castle in all its lovely grounds. And after playing Katherine Parr in that film—’

‘I didn’t know that. Not that I get to see a lot of movies.’

‘It was called The King’s Evening. It was about Catherine Howard, the fifth wife, and Katherine Parr came in near the end, when the King had only a couple of years to live.’

‘But she felt a connection? With Katherine Parr and Sudeley?’

‘She went there lots. Out of opening hours, obviously, wouldn’t want to be hanging out with the trippers and the pensioners’ bus tours. Sometimes she took me with her, to remember things and write them down.’

‘Just you?’

‘Like I say, there were times when she was very friendly. The others were a bit… not jealous exactly, but you know… because I was the youngest. And just the scullery maid, and all that meant was being a bit of a gopher. Whereas the chefs and Mrs Stringer, the housekeeper…’

Mrs Stringer was the first of the former staff to put the phone down on Grayle. There was a chef, a sous-chef, part-time waitresses and cleaners and also a Mr Jeffrey Pruford, the manager and kind of a butler figure, who she hasn’t yet managed to locate.

‘So when there was no one staying there you’d all just look after the house – and the Ansells?’

Lisa nods, and they talk some more about the good times. Which could not have lasted more than a year. This is where it might get difficult. But this is the reason Grayle’s here, to pick up stuff you can’t find on the Internet.

‘Lisa, when did you realize something at Knap Hall was… not right?’

‘Not right how?’

‘We’re looking to tell the whole story, Lisa.’

‘OK.’

‘When did you – or anyone – first get the feeling Mrs Ansell was… I don’t know… unhappy… unsettled?’

For the first time, Lisa looks a little stubborn, resistant.

‘She was good to me.’

‘I know.’

‘I don’t want to… I mean, I know what people are saying. About the house being… you know.’

‘Tell me about Trinity Ansell, first.’

‘I don’t know much about depression…’

‘I do,’ Grayle says. ‘I guess.’

3

Lights out, fires dying

OH GOD, LISA says, she’s thought about this a lot, and keeps coming back to the night of the dinner.

Always a dinner on the Saturday. The full works, nine courses. Lovely big fires and candles everywhere – hundreds of candles. And Trinity wearing this exquisite dress.

‘An awfully expensive Tudor kind of dress, deep ruby-red silk with gold braid. She had it on for the first time, this night, and there was like a hush when she came in? I was down in the kitchen, but you’d swear you could hear it. A real hush. I mean, all right, I know you can’t actually—’

‘I get what you’re saying.’

One of the chocolate labradors has his head on Grayle’s knee. Hard to get depressed, Grayle’s thinking, with a dog around. Apparently, there were no animals at Knap Hall.

‘Really something, that dress,’ Lisa says. ‘It was…’

Her lips tighten over the baby teeth. Evidently something here she’s not too sure she should be talking about.

‘I remember she had a problem sitting down at the table in it. And when she did manage to sit down she didn’t really eat anything. Not that she ever ate much, anyway. I mean, back in Henry VIII’s day, nobody seemed to make a connection between eating like a pig and ending up all gross. Mrs Ansell would always have these prearranged really small portions. But this night, even the small portions were coming back to the kitchen, hardly touched.’

‘She was sick?’

‘Not so’s you’d notice. Quite the reverse. I mean, she was always, as you know, a “hot babe”, as my boyfriend would say, but this night… I mean, the men literally couldn’t take their eyes off her. Nor the women, come to that. She was… electric. Glowing… What’s that word…?’

‘Incandescent?’

‘We all thought that, even Mrs Stringer. But Mr Pruford, the manager, he said she was nervous about something. Like all her nerves were on end, all lit up. But next day…’

Lisa’s looking uncomfortable, upset even, like she wishes she’d never let herself be led down this road.

‘… it was like a light had gone out. It was only September, but she wouldn’t leave the apartment. She was OK again after a couple of days, but…’

‘How long was this before she died?’

‘Not long. Weeks, maybe. I don’t really remember. I don’t like to think about it.’

‘She… she wasn’t normally – from what I’ve read – what you’d call a nervous person.’

‘Well, no, but—’

‘Socially, I mean.’

‘Not at all, no. I think she actually had been to dinner at Highgrove, with Charles and Camilla. Or somebody. No, not nervous in that way at all. Mr Pruford… he used to say it was the house. And Mr Ansell would be away for days at a time. He was a busy man.’

‘Harry Ansell wasn’t there that night?’

‘No, I think he was, actually. Very much in the background, though. As he would be with Trinity in that dress.’

‘So, um, what about the house? Mr Pruford…?’

‘Didn’t like the house, never made a secret of that. Used to say it was too old and set in its ways ever to change. No matter how many rich tapestries they hung, it would still be… like a hard place. Underneath. He said you could always feel that late at night, with the lights out, the fires dying, all the candles out. You could feel… he just called it the hardness? And he’d know about that sort of… He was in the army. And things would…’

Grayle waits, fondling the ears of the chocolate lab.

‘You didn’t get this from me,’ Lisa says. ‘I’d never talk about this.’

‘Sure.’

‘Things would get messed about. Wall hangings falling down for no reason. Ash from the hearth in heaps on the furniture. Things would get dirty, very quickly – the windows. Mrs Stringer was blaming us, and then she stopped doing that and just had it cleaned up each time it happened.’

‘It happened often?’

‘We did a lot of cleaning. And like sometimes you’d find stuff that shouldn’t really be there? Like soil… earth? Little heaps of soil on chairs and tables. Well that was just… not possible.’

‘What are you saying?’

‘You know what I’m saying. Only I’m not. OK?’

‘What did Mr Pruford say?’

‘That it— He used to say it was full of bad… bad vibes. That nobody had ever been happy there.’

‘How did he know that?’

‘Well, I don’t suppose he did. It was just how he felt.’

‘Were the Ansells told?’

‘God, no. Not by us. We didn’t want to— We wanted them to go on loving the place. We wanted them to stay. Like I say, it was a brilliant job. We thought Mrs Ansell was turning the place round. Just by being there. She was one of the most famous people on the planet. Well, in this country anyway. And bringing in all the other famous faces. You could see the paying guests doing like a double-take? Like, is it really?’

Her eyes are glassy. She’s erecting barricades and scattering glitter over the darkness.

‘Look, nobody talked about the other things, OK? We weren’t the kind to. We only got the jobs through connections. We were trusted.’

‘But do you think—?’

‘I hated clearing the… the debris. I just brushed it on to the dustpan. We weren’t allowed to use vacuum cleaners when there were guests in the house. Not in-period. I’d just brush it up quickly and empty it into a binsack and get it out of the house quickly. Once there was a dead rat…’

‘In the house?’

‘On a table. Like a cat might’ve left it, but there weren’t any cats. Horrible. But you got it out of the way and didn’t let it spoil your day.’

‘Did anybody have any ideas what it might be? What was causing it? I suppose a hole in the roof… that wouldn’t be likely after what they’d spent.’

‘Is it important?’ Lisa sniffs dismissively. ‘I don’t think it’s important. Lots of old houses have something. I thought this was supposed to be about Trinity’s life. Dwelling on the bad things, it just gives the wrong impression.’

‘I think the producer will need to show that it wasn’t all idyllic. That renovating a very old house isn’t easy. That sometimes you have to fight the history you’re trying to evoke.’

Lisa stares out of the bay window at the greyness of Cleeve Hill. Grayle decides it’s time to move up to the next stage.

‘And she was susceptible to… the otherworldy? There was some history. She was known to have consulted… not mediums… tarot-readers and like that.’

‘I don’t remember anybody like that coming to Knap Hall. Well, a woman once. A middle-aged woman who was looking around and had one of those… a stone or something on a string.’

‘Pendulum?’

‘Look, maybe you should talk to Jordan.’

‘I’m sorry, who?’

‘Jordan the gardener. At first I thought he was just trying to frighten me. He was like, did I know the stories about Knap Hall? Well, I didn’t, but that didn’t mean anything, ’cos I don’t like stories like that. Not when I’m working there. He’s more local than me. He said people used to think they were being followed in the passages, and they’d turn round and there’d be, like, a shadow? He said he’d had the story from his dad. Someone like that.’

‘And Jordan will speak to me?’

‘He might. Don’t say I told you, he’d get embarrassed, but if he knows you’ve got Mr Ansell’s permission… Jordan’s kept on, part time, to stop the grounds from turning to jungle before they sell the place. Goes about once a week, I think. I wouldn’t. It’s not the same. I don’t want to go near. Got more bad memories now, hasn’t it? Gone darker, like the windows— why do we have to talk about this?’

‘What about the windows?’

‘They’d go dim, that’s all. Almost so you couldn’t see through them. Some of the glass was old, hundreds of years old. It’d be greasy. On the inside. And flies. Dead flies, in the grease. Probably some fungal thing… bacteria, I don’t know.’

Lisa shaking her head violently, as if the flies are in her hair. Grayle nods limply, saying nothing. This is what she’s looking for. But don’t make that obvious. Move on.

‘Were you here when the word came through, about Mrs Ansell’s death?’

‘No. When she went to stay with her parents, we thought it was because her mother was ill. We didn’t know… anything. There was no need for a full staff, so I took my holiday, but my boyfriend couldn’t get the week off so I was at home. First I knew was seeing it on the TV news. And then I got a phone call saying don’t come in on Monday.’

Long silence. Lisa looks like a little girl who’s fallen in the street, picked herself up and only then noticed the blood.

‘All over. For ever. I was so shattered I was just like crying all day? I’m sorry… I mean, there’s nothing else I can say. And I don’t want to talk about any of that on TV, thank you. I’d just break down.’

They’d love that, Grayle’s thinking. They so love it when people break down on camera.

‘You’d have to film me here. I won’t even drive past the end of the lane. People, you know what people are like, they’re always— I’m sorry, it’s sick! I hate them!’

‘What are they saying?’

But Lisa’s lips are tight and she’s shaking her head. The second labrador jumps up at her and she buries her face in the dog’s fur.

‘Did Trinity Ansell ever say anything to you – about anything being wrong? Like when you went to Sudeley together?’

‘Not really. Just about fabrics and clothes and the grounds and how she wanted a proper knot garden. She was usually quite carefree when we went to Sudeley. I think she liked being with me because I was young. Mr Ansell could be… he was a bit heavy, you know? I liked it when we went to the castle. She’d tell me the day before, so I could come in normal clothes. Mr Pruford used to say he wished Sudeley would come on the market again – not that that’s ever likely to happen, the same family’s been there over a century.’

‘Could the Ansells actually have afforded Sudeley Castle?’

‘I don’t know. Probably, when the magazine was selling millions worldwide. Mr Pruford used to say he’d rather be working at Sudeley. Better class of ghost – he said that once.’

‘Anne Boleyn?’

‘KP. Katherine Parr. She used to put her initial after her signature. KP – kind of cool. She’s buried in the chapel in the grounds, but she’s supposed to haunt the castle itself. I expect the owners are quite proud of that. We went to her funeral.’

‘I’m sorry…?’

‘She’s buried in the chapel, in the castle grounds. In a tomb. And they – they had the funeral all over again?’

‘What?’

‘It was five hundred years since she was born. So they had a public recreation of the funeral to commemorate it. I know that doesn’t make total sense, but that’s what they did. I expect it was because she was born somewhere else but died there, and perhaps the original funeral was, like, underplayed? Not this time. Everyone was in costume. It was beautiful.’

‘And you were there?’

‘Mr Ansell was in New York or somewhere – I think they were opening a Cotsworld office there. So Trinity asked me to go with her. It was all… beautiful. You don’t think a funeral could be beautiful. They made a video of it for the tourists.’

‘How long was this before Trinity died?’

‘Few months. I suppose you want me to say I felt a deep sense of foreboding or something. But I didn’t. I was just… we were both quite excited. It felt like a historical moment.’

‘Why? Why a deep sense of foreboding?’

‘Because she… KP was thirty-six.’

Grayle’s holding on to the lab’s ears.

‘Same age as Trinity, right?’

‘Mmm.’

‘How did she die? Katherine Parr.’

Lisa looks momentarily wary then sits up.

‘A fever. Puer— Puer-something. When childbirth goes wrong.’

Puerperal fever. An infection, often fatal in those days. Grayle starts to tingle. It’s a familiar feeling when you know you’re getting close to the story, the essence, the energy source. And when no one else has it. Is it possible no-one else has this? She’s certainly not read it anywhere.

‘What about the baby? Did the baby…?’

‘The baby was born. It was a girl. Katherine died soon after-wards. Look, if it’s going to be that kind of programme—’

‘I’m sorry?’

‘People saying at least Katherine went through with it?’

‘Oh. Yeah, I see.’ Grayle nodding vaguely, like this has only just occurred to her. ‘No, I hope it won’t be that kind of programme.’

‘I hate that sort of gossip,’ Lisa says.

‘Did anybody at Knap Hall suspect Trinity might be pregnant?’

‘No. Not at all. We thought she was just… run down. She’d put in so much work that year. We thought she was just going away to rest, spend some time alone in a… quieter place. If you see what I mean.’

‘I guess.’

Not that it makes complete sense. Nobody would’ve expected someone with Trinity’s money to hide herself away at her parents’ holiday cottage in Dorset for the purposes of quietly effecting a chemical abortion with a pill.

She needs to look up the inquest reports again, and the newspaper medical features that followed. While it’s uncommon for a termination drug to cause a heart attack, it has happened before.

What it came back to was why?

What it looked like was that Trinity wanted to get rid of the baby before her husband could find out she was pregnant. Maybe because it wasn’t his. That was the gossip on the Internet.

Tragedy tinged with scandal. Harry Ansell’s never talked about it, never given an interview. In fact, Harry Ansell may never have given an interview in his life. That was what Trinity was for.

‘The dress,’ Grayle says. ‘That was a Katherine Parr dress, right? I don’t know much about her, but in the portraits I’ve seen…’

‘Always in a red dress, yeah. And wore rubies. She never wore it again. Not—’

Grayle waits. Lisa looks a little sick.

‘I hate all that,’ she says eventually. ‘Hate people who speculate on the Net.’

‘I can understand.’

Grayle leans over and switches off the recorder.

Time to go. If she knew why she was being asked these questions, Grayle thinks Lisa would hate her, too.

4

A soul on eBay

AROUND MIDDAY THE wind comes in from the sea and has the ageing caravan rattling like the rusting tin can it has now become.

Not a good place to have a caravan any more. One day, he’s thinking – one of these days of extreme climate change – it will simply collapse in on itself, like a flatpack, and the fire brigade will be required to recover his remains.

The mobile barks, and he looks up from his book and smiles, as he always does. A phone that barks like a dog – of all the manifold manifestations of new technology, this may be the one that pleases him most. Certainly in comparison with a series of electronic bleeps arranged into a speeded-up rendering of the opening bars of the Welsh national anthem, which is what his neighbour, Ifan, the hill-farmer, has on his phone. This might be ironic, but probably not.

With a forefinger, he slides the answer-bar on his mobile. Embedded in a vicious gust, the caravan rocks like a tumble-drier.

‘Cindy?’

The voice is coming out of his hand, the phone on speaker, to save what few brain cells remain. He draws a slow breath, made more tortured by the simultaneous creaking of the caravan’s failing frame.

‘Who is this?’

Well, he knows, of course. But his response conveys a faint irritability at being disturbed by so many calls. In fact it’s his first in a week.

‘The voice from the past,’ she says.

‘Be more excited, I would, if it was a voice from the future.’ He takes the phone to the window, looks down the hillside at St Bride’s Bay, dark and blotched. ‘How are you, young Jo?’

‘I’m good. Cindy, the reason I’m calling… things’ve changed,’ she says. ‘Things’ve moved on. Very exciting.’

‘The idea of change, Jo, is an illusion.’

‘And we now have a different proposition for you.’

‘One moment.’ He braces himself between the wall and the bed-settee, not wanting her to hear the sounds of fabrication fatigue and realize he’s in the same old caravan. ‘When you say different…’

‘It certainly involves more money.’

‘Now that, Jo…’ Cindy straightens up, brightening his voice. ‘…is my very favourite kind of different.’

He remembers, with an acute sadness, his second visit to Knap Hall. The occasion on which he encountered Poppy Stringer, who worked there as housekeeper, and remembered him from the television. When Harry Ansell came home early from work, it was Poppy who smuggled Cindy into the vast kitchen and served him afternoon tea while they shared their anxieties about Trinity. How vague and hazy she was becoming. Not long after-wards, he received her first strange, short diary.

He didn’t see much of Trinity that day. There was no third visit.

It was Poppy who phoned him two months later, her voice brittle as last winter’s dead leaves. Leaving him shattered… bereft and heartsick at his own inadequacy, his failure to realize how vulnerable Trinity had been. His unforgivable failure to save her from… what? Her death was neither at the house nor had anything to do with it. He can’t remember what the inquest verdict was: Accidental Death or Natural Causes.

Nothing in that house could be entirely natural. He remembers a grey depression settling around him with the low cloud as, after the call from Poppy Stringer, he walked out into the rain, staring at the heartless sea, feeling that his useful life might well be over.

But apparently it was not.

Poppy again, the following November. Ringing to tell him about a television company sniffing around Knap Hall, phoning her one night, tapping her for information about Trinity’s last days, asking to meet her. Did Cindy know of this HGTV? Poppy sounding unhappy. Still hadn’t found another job, but should she take their money for her memories? What did he think?

Hunter-Gatherer Television sounded like one of those private production companies run by children, which might survive for as long as a year before they were reduced to shooting porn for the early hours. He hated the idea of such insects swarming over Trinity’s past before her ashes were cold. Advised Poppy to say nothing at this stage. He would find out.

Digging out his tattered book of contacts, he made some calls, picking up fragments of intelligence here and there. On the Internet, his intermittent broadband told him that one of their employees was his former producer on the National Lottery Live show.

Cindy likes to think he played a significant part in the demise of this celebration of naked greed, only disappointed that the Lottery itself did not disappear into the same sink-hole.

Young Jo Shepherd, however, he got along with her as well as you can with a producer. In her thirties now. And a mum, for heaven’s sake. Little, chaotic, curly-haired Jo – with a baby buggy and a crate of Calpol where the wine bottles used to live?