The fear in me E-Book

Zondra Aceman

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Fantasy und Science-Fiction
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2016

Seitenzahl: 442

Beschreibung

Nay has for years had a crush on her friend Tim, but he has shown no interest in her. Everything changes one day when a new boy moves into the house next door. Although he is very withdrawn and dismissive Nay feels attracted to him. In confusion she wonders how that fellow has so quickly conquered her heart. And why is Tim just now trying to get close to her when she is no longer sure what she really feels for him? Jason wants only one thing: to be left alone! Just the thought of the slightest touch is enough to make him break out in sweat, so he has developed many defence mechanisms. Till now no psychologist has been able to help him overcome his fears. So why should that saucy new girl next door get involved with him? And why does he suddenly want to be “normal” at any price? Just as the two of them are getting closer to each other despite the circumstances Jason is confronted with the true reasons for his fear, and memories of that change everything…

Leseprobe

“Give me your life!” said Death.

“If I give you my life, tell me, what will then be left to me?”

“Your death,” said Death, and took the life.

Contents

Future

Nay

Jason

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Epilogue

Expressions of gratitude

Future

…With incredible speed the monster is beside us and grabbing at the face of the boy I love. “Turn around and open your mouth!” it commands, and to my horror I see that my beloved is obeying him.

He lets my hand go and without a word turns toward the monster. Now he will open his mouth. “No!” I scream, and I clutch him from behind. I pinch his hand, his arm, trying to get him to come out of his trance, but nothing happens. I kiss the back of his head and speak to him in the tongue of angels, but I am unsuccessful.

When at last the monster makes a noise, I just keep praying to Heaven and put my hands under the pullover of my boyfriend. There I claw into his skin. My hands go around his chest and I feel his regular heartbeat. I am terribly afraid, but I know I have no chance against that unnatural way of dying. I can do nothing ... and I feel helpless. But at the same time I get furious. But I do not stay that way for long, my rage turns into resignation. If he has to die, then he should take me with him, I think.

If I press myself very close to him – till we are one – we will perish together. That is what I want ... His heartbeat changes. Boom, boom, boom, boom, now it is throbbing loudly and quickly against my hand.

Is he afraid??

“I’m with you!” I whisper. “Nobody can separate us. It’ll turn out well!” I keep talking. Again I concentrate on his heart. My concentration is so strong that I have the feeling that our two hearts are beating in unison. Now we are one! Nobody can get between us. Never again, because we are together.

Only when his body collapses do I notice that that is not at all right. We are not one! No! There is only a beating heart there, and it does not belong to my sweetheart. Suddenly his heart is still. Absolutely still!

Nay

“Wake up, sleepy head!” an all too familiar voice bellows into my ear. I have just had dreams that circled around him, and here he is. When my eyes open, they wander to his attractive head. His mouth is twisted into a radiant smile. I see wonderful, even teeth set in a perfect mouth, and they make me sigh quietly. But before I linger at his mouth and run the risk of kissing him spontaneously, my gaze goes further, skilfully leaps across his attractive blue baby eyes that would again make me weak, and finally finish up at his hairdo. His blonde hair is again short.

He must have been at the barber’s yesterday. A pity! I prefer it when the hair is a bit wavy, because that flatters his whole face even more. Like a perfect picture frame for a perfect photo. Sigh!

However, he hates his curls! Unfortunately! Right through summer he let them grow and I thought he had at last realised that long hair suits him much better. Well, it seems I was wrong about that. As always when it is about him. At last I dare to make contact with his baby blues and competently suppress yet another sigh that is sneakily rising up in me. His eyes are beaming with visible amusement and mirror the friendship that surrounds us. The corners of his mouth are raised arrogantly and it looks as though he knows that for years I have felt more than friendship, and yet he would rather keep torturing me. And that in turn makes me mad as a hornet, because it reminds me of the day four years ago when I made the biggest mistake of my life.

I sigh in frustration and he laughs: “Nay, I’m shocked you’re still lying in bed although you told me the day before yesterday how much you have to do before school starts!” Yes, my excuses have been better at times. But quite honestly, if I see Tim once more with another girl on his arm, I’ll certainly start yelling.

“I’m planning lots of things! After all, it’s our final year!” I say loudly. The year in which everything is supposed to change and when you at last see me as a girl once more, and not just as a chum, I add as a thought.

Tim throws himself down next to me and hops sitting on the edge of the bed with an innocent look. “What have you done wrong last year? Everything went well! You got a marvellous report-card; the final year will be a pushover for you! As always!”

Without reacting to his words I toss of the duvet and crawl out of the other side of the bed. Perhaps today he’ll notice my cute short pyjamas with the little hearts on them (a homage to his hidden heart birthmark).

And my legs don’t look too bad at the moment and seem a lot longer and browner in this little piece.

Slowly, and I hope sexily, I walk around the bed and stand in front of him. Now at last I am taller than he is!

Tim gives me a leisurely once-over and stares at my body, and my blood starts pounding. When he reaches my eyes he looks befuddled. And I hold my breath and wait for a spontaneous declaration of love. Instead, he gives a short shake of his body, licks his lips, and then croaks: “Come on, Nay, it’s our last weekend before the stress of school gets to us again.”

That was not what I had hoped to hear, not in the slightest!

“Let’s go to the cinema this evening, what do you say? I could contact Tanja and Kay, they’d be happy …” he does on, while I am clenching my fists with frustration. “We’ve seen so little of each other in the holidays!” he bleats. That’s correct, but it wasn’t my fault! “And so…?“ I ask sceptically because I know he would not go to the cinema by himself. “What do you mean by ‘and so’?”

I roll my eyes. “Who’d come apart from Tanja and Kay? What’s the name of your latest conquest? Just so I don’t get the names mixed up. I mean, it’s be stupid if I said one of them incorrectly, wouldn’t it? I can’t keep up with all the girlfriends in your life.”

He eyes me again and at first says nothing at all.

I haven’t a clue what he’s looking for in my face, but it makes me nervous that way he suddenly fixes on me. Finally he says with a grin: “Maya! Ah …”

“Okay, enough! It’s good we’ve cleared that up,” I interrupt him while my heart is breaking a tiny bit more.

Maya? That Maya! Marvellous!

“Nay! Breakfast is ready!” my mother calls out, and I’m relieved that now I have a plausible excuse to lick my wounds in peace.

“What about this evening!?” Tim asks, gets up from the edge of the bed and stands directly in front of me.

Now he is a full head taller than I am, and I take a close look at his muscular chest. The chest I have lain on a thousand times while we watched television in his or my bed. It has undergone an extreme change in recent years. Just like the boy who has wandered about in my dreams for years. He is definitely no longer a skinny beanstalk. No, he has become a man. Even if he is rather ignorant, arrogant, unromantic … “Unfortunately I have to go, Nay. There’s something I want to do right now …” he interrupts my thoughts.

“Well, what about this evening?”

I refrain from asking him if he’s going to meet Maya. Who knows, maybe he’s just dreamt of her the way I have of him, and now he simply must see her. But before that he has to pay a quick visit to his best female friend so he can annoy her again because four years ago she sent him of with a flea in the ear … Life is so unfair!

“I’ll join you later in the cinema!” I promise half-heartedly, and he beams at me happily. Tim Byron is sexy, but sooo frustrating!

And I can’t even avoid crossing his path, because from all eternity he has been living next to us on the left side.

A thousand times I have pondered on how I can get him to understand that we belong together. After all, I know everything about him. I mean, really everything! Here I’m talking especially of the heart birthmark on his left bum cheek.

How come I know that? Well, he showed it to me. Then we were both four years old.

My parents and his caught us playing little games of doctor-and-nurse in his room. After that we were never allowed to play together without a babysitter until we were old enough and our own sense of shame held us back from having another close look.

And then came that damned day that my heart wants above all to cancel out. If only there were a time machine.

I’d know immediately which moment of time I would delete, whether there is a butterfly-effect or not …

My mother calls me the second time and Tim sighs, “Listen – you could ring Tanja and drive with her and Kay.

I’ll go straight to the cinema, okay? We’ll meet there at our usual spot. What do you say?”

I nod and hope he can’t see how I’m trying to suppress my disappointment.

He bends down to me and presses a kiss onto my forehead, the way he always does. Then he leaves my room.

I take a deep breath and finally overcome the urge to break out in tears. Instead, I look at the left half of the house because that’s where Tim lives. I have a good view of his room because it is also on the upper floor. I don’t always like that, because I constantly see him there flaunting his conquests. I don’t understand why he never closes his curtains when he’s prancing about with girls. And he’s forever doing that.

And that reminds me of his latest achievement. Okay, it’s Maya from the parallel class. Just great! Won’t he have won the lot of them soon? I wouldn’t have thought that there would still be some who have not been with Tim – except of course yours truly. It’s really enough to make me howl …

Sadly I go to my wardrobe and grab the very first thing that comes into my hands. I’m not a follower of fashion, I have a practical bent! Of course I sometimes make myself especially chic, but there has to be a special occasion for that. There’s nothing worse for me than wasting a day in front of a mirror. Slowly I get dressed, meanwhile looking through my window at the street. All the houses here look alike, the front gardens too … as though copied and inserted a hundred times. The estate was established twenty years ago and I’ve always known most of the families here. That’s all certain and familiar.

A furniture truck is parked in front of the house on the right. The old neighbours were rather strange people, so I’m not sad that they’ve left. The wife was a loudmouth, constantly ranting, and had at least 20 cats in the flat.

On the other hand the husband was always ogling me as though he wanted to undress me.

A few times I even had the feeling he was observing me through his telescope. As a result for months afterwards I kept my curtains drawn on that side. After the two of them had left I opened them up again at last.

Now I can see the sun from my three windows at the time. Wonderful! I just hope the new neighbours are not so curious and always staring this way, so I can keep enjoying the sun and don’t have to cut it of by my curtains.

I run down the steps and dart into the kitchen. My mother has baked pancakes. Straight away my mood brightens and the worries about Tim disappear for a while into a little chamber at the back of my mind. I grab a pancake, roll it, and with a sigh take a bite.

“Did you sleep well?” my mother laughs.

“Mmh!“ I answer; you shouldn’t talk with a full mouth.

“We’ve got new neighbours. I’d like you to introduce yourself immediately. You can take bread and salt with you.”

I gobble my pancake and allow myself a mouthful of cocoa while I look at my mother in surprise. “And what about you?”

I ask.

“I’ve already introduced myself. I asked if they need help.”

“So? What are the new people like?” I’ll try to find out.

No peeping toms, please!

“They’re really quite nice. Mr. Sommer is a grumpy type, but he has a fond, likeable manner. The impression he makes is that he’d do anything for his family. And his wife is, like all mothers, always worrying. They’ve got a son. I got just a glimpse of him while he was walking up the steps with a box. When he spoke to his mother and used her first name, I was at first surprised, but then she explained she’s only Jason’s foster mother. That’s the boy’s name. To judge by what she said he’s a young man shut up in himself who has a lot of trouble in making friends. She seemed rather sad about it. I didn’t want to seem too curious, so I didn’t ask further. At least I thought it would be nice if you took him to school on Monday? And perhaps you could simply introduce yourself right away? It would be great if he already got to know somebody. And introduce him to Tim – what do you think?”

“No problem. How old is he?”

“He’s of the same age as you! Next summer he’ll do his final exams with you.”

“Has he got a car? Then he can take it in turns to drive.”

“I’ve got no idea, we didn’t talk about that. What about Tim’s driver’s licence? Didn’t he have his practical test last week?”

“He failed it! Of course it wasn’t his fault. Somebody or other took away his right of way …” I roll my eyes.

“You know Tim, he has his own way of looking at things …” My mother gives a knowing grin.

Jason

The first thing I see is the magazine that a furniture remova-list must have left lying in my room. A grinning brunette is looking at me. She looks a fun-loving type. In my life there’s nothing to make me laugh. I really do not know if I’m alive or whether I simply exist to torture myself.

Why my foster parents don’t see in me a freak I cannot understand. And I am one – quite definitely.

I have no friends and never did have any. And I don’t want any, because they wouldn’t understand my distance.

Loneliness is my existence. Music, the weight bench, and jogging are my only passions.

Who would be willing to accept a boy like me?

Well, I can only say – the Sommers! They even accept that I don’t want to be touched, they leave me in peace and expect nothing of me.

Perhaps they guess deep in their hearts that I’m mad! It’s strange that despite that they treat me as their own son.

It’s still something I can’t understand that eleven years ago the Sommers accepted me and straight away understood how they had to handle me. I know it has nothing to do with the money I have inherited from my dead parents, because they’ve never asked whether they could take some of it. On the contrary, it’s never spoken about.

Todd, my foster father, is rather reserved. He himself had a difficult childhood and probably for that reason he understands my attitude and accepts that I totally avoid bodily contact. He is nice and helpful, but at a distance.

I’ve overheard conversations he’s had with his wife Sharon, and they showed me that his opinion is that I was mistreated as a child, and because he had the same fate he takes special care to wake up in me a sort of basic trust. He wants me to have a chance to make something of my life so as to forget the past. But really I haven’t the faintest clue exactly what happened. I’m not sure I want to remember anything at all.

To judge by my dreams I must have gone through something bad. But maybe I’m just completely mad!

As far back as I can think psychologists have been a part of my life, all of them have squeezed me dry and tried to establish what sort of trauma I have suffered.

It’s probably something remarkable when a boy all wrapped up like a mummy shows up and feels a crazy panic at the very idea of any bodily contact at all.

The psychologists explain that I have an inexplicable deep-seated trauma … let them think what they like!

My feelings are at least hypersensitive. Are all mentally ill people so sensitive to other fates before they explode?

At least I have a gigantic antenna to pick up unhappy people.

Nobody can fool me! I feel sympathy for those looking for help.

For example, there was the woman in what used to be the house next to ours; who was abandoned by her husband and now has to bring up by herself the four children. Wow, how much I wished she would find a better man … as quickly as possible! The fellow had always been unfaithful to her and had no appreciation of her.

And then there was the girl in our old school who was always teased because she was so fat … she had a metabolic disorder and could do nothing about it.

Or the boy who was so aggressive that everybody stayed away from him, but he urgently needed friends because at home he was constantly abused. Unfortunately everyone saw his bruises as a result of his own violence. Nobody would have paid a visit to the father because he was a respected doctor and so could hide behind his own influence.

So many various ways of suffering and no end of them in sight. It’s a disgrace! But never would I let myself be dragged into any dramas. No!

Instead I lead my life and torture myself through each individual day.

Well, now I’m here. We’ve moved into a new town. Kiel.

Capital of the most northerly province Schleswig Holstein.

We’re living in an estate that has nothing distinctive about it, at least not on the outside. For sure the families here have their personal fates, but I have to be indifferent to them. On Monday I’m going to a new school and just the thought of it brings out pearls of sweat on my forehead. Sharon wants me to go with the neighbours’ daughter. I agreed. Of course I’ll do that, what else could I do. The crowded bus would be hellish, and I can’t ride a bike since my bike was recently pinched. So only the neighbours’ daughter is left to me. I can quickly make clear to her what I abominate, and if she doesn’t get the point then I’ll just jog to school. But I think she’ll understand me quickly.

Defence mechanisms are my specialty!

I’ve developed them in many variations. Girls don’t like unapproachable nutcases and soon leave you in peace if you completely ignore them. And that is good. I just hope she’s not one of those pitiable creatures who really need help themselves, because I couldn’t give her any.

The morning is zipping past. I’m just about to hang the rest of my clobber in the wardrobewhen there’s a knock on my door.

“Yes, come in!” I call out, thinking it’s Sharon. I keep unpacking and wait for her commentary. But it doesn’t come.

So she’s not talking! I think and keep packing my T-shirts into the shelf.

“Hi!” I suddenly hear an unknown voice and my heads turns in bafflement toward the door. A girl is standing there and looking at me. I’m so surprised that I say “Hi!” back to her. I’m really not the type that is easily impressed, but this girl has such an extremely positive aura that it sweeps me of my feet. I’m in a dither and blatantly gape at her.

Her hairdo is a dishevelled something held by pins, her dark blue eyes are full of life and are looking with curiosity at me.

“I live in the house next-door. My name is Nasya … Nasya Norton, but my friends call me Nay,” she chatters with a smile and her full lips pull upward and make visible a dimple which causes me to keep staring longer than I really want to. “Do you know my room is also upstairs in the attic!? Just crazy! You can look straight at it!” she goes on, then she seems to be expecting something or other.

I have a feeling it’s too hot for me. Maybe I’ve got a temperature? Shouldn’t I now introduce myself too? Is that what she’s waiting for?

I gulp three times, then I croak: “My name’s Jason. Jason Rockefeller!” Now she gives a loud laugh. It’s a devastating, natural laugh, and I’m immediately enchanted by her way of enjoying herself. “Your mother has already revealed your name to me. She thinks I should lead you about a bit. Sort of sightseeing,” she babbles on in an easygoing way. I’m absolutely speechless at her unselfconsciousness and for a few seconds my brain is totally out of action. But then I think of my plight. I’m disturbed! I’m not normal! I have to do something! Keep your distance, Jason! Distance!

“Nasya, I don’t think I need a babysitter!” I say at last, rather condescendingly.

“Ah … I’m not a babysitter, only a tourist guide! Ahem, it’s Friday, our last weekend before the new school year. I can show you everything … I don’t mind,” she announces visibly annoyed, and steps one pace closer, then another, as though she intends to place a hand on my shoulder to make clear her point of view.

My body reacts instantaneously and perceives the intruder in my body space. It suggests there is an unidentified danger closing in. Then my hands start to tremble uncontrollably and I quickly hide them behind my back. I know how insulting that must look to an outsider, but at this moment I don’t care. Nay’s eyes seem to be fastened on each of my movements, and when they reach my face it’s as though she’s looking directly into my soul.

I’m scared she’ll be contemptuous of the broken boy in me that she will find there, and I try to break of contact, but I cannot. Instead I notice she is coming yet another step closer. Now I could easily even touch her. A thousand alarm bells are screaming through my system, and with my increasing panic come the pictures that always sneak in when somebody pierces my intimate sphere.

I feel like a deer trapped in headlights and I can do nothing about it. Slowly, as in my dreams, the pictures line up and show me ghastly things:

Lifeless bodies, everywhere lifeless bloody bodies. They seem familiar to me, but I don’t know where I know them from. They are yelling my name with their dead mouths. Again and again they scream it out. Until at last they fall silent. Finally comes what always shocks me most: the corpses open their eyes, their eyeballs are white and dead – and yet they start to drag their bodies across the floor … closer and closer they come and I can’t move … I know I’m the next … soon … I have to defend myself, I have to … “Run!” somebody yells, but I can’t get away, I just stare at the bloodied bodies … And soon they’ll be here … only a few centimetres now … then they start burning … and drag themselves closer to me … I start yelling no … no …

“Jason?“ I hear a worried voice, and the floodlight and that which is hidden in it as in some sort of film, goes out. Nay’s eyes close for a moment and I snap out of my trance and race back three, four steps.

“Not interested! I want to carry on unpacking my stuff – and undisturbed, Well then … could you now leave me in peace?” My voice sounds abrasive and cold. Nay looks disturbed. I can’t blame her for that. If I sink once more into her gaze I cannot guarantee what will happen. So I demand harshly:

“Leave my room! Now! At once!”

“Oh … okay,” she stutters and reaches for the door handle. Then she is gone.

I shake my head and exhale deeply. I had not at all noticed that I had been holding my breath, and I hear my heart beating right up into my throat. The horrible thoughts have vanished and a new, different feeling spreads through me. There’s a crazy prickling in my stomach and if I interpret it correctly it is something that at the moment I cannot cope with.

While I’m pondering on my new feelings and being both annoyed and astonished by them, my door opens up again a tiny bit and Nay’s head appears there. “In any case I’ll come for you on Monday morning at 7.30. Take it for granted that then I’ll drive you to school every day!” she says quickly and as quick as lightning slams the door behind her and leaves me, on top of all the other feelings, in a state of shock.

Nay

That’s never happened to me before. Never was anybody so unfriendly to me. What does that Jason think he’s up to? I just wanted to help him. I’m so dumbfounded that I stand in the stairway of his house and am simply speechless. Then I slowly sneak down the stairs. When I have almost reached the bottom I hear a noisy discussion.

“… for everybody a new beginning!” I hear a male voice saying.

“I hope he doesn’t shut himself in again. He needs friends at last!” Jason’s foster mother Sharon, who had just let me in, was saying with a sigh. “He’s so lonely. I can’t bear to see him like that.”

Even if it’s wrong to eavesdrop on conversations, I can’t help it. I want to know what’s up, because I have the feeling they’re talking about Jason.

“You know how hard it is for him to overcome his fears. They seem to eat away at him. Whatever sad things he’s gone through and whatever sort of violence he’s experienced, he’s not yet ready to share them with somebody else. Perhaps he never will be. This time we should tell the psychologists to call it of for a while, don’t you think? I don’t trust their expertise. I’m still suffering from the consequences of my childhood and no psychologist in the whole world has been able to help me!” “I know!” Sharon apologises in a subdued voice. “But all the things that happened are eleven years back. Maybe the psychologists are …”

“I’ve been living for thirty years with the consequences of my childhood. You’ve helped me more than any psychologist!” the male voice interrupts with a sigh, and then I hear nothing else for the moment.

In confusion I ponder what I should do. What I have just heard cuts me to the quick. What sort of violence has Jason experienced? Is that why he was so abrupt with me? “We’ll get over it. Some day he’ll blossom, as I did,” the male voice continues. I’m ashamed to be overhearing this intimate conversation, but I can’t move.

“I’m afraid he’ll be condemned again because he hides himself behind his gear and doesn’t let anyone approach him,” says Sharon. Her voice sounds choked. Is she crying?

“You can’t shelter him from superficial weirdos. Those who are worthwhile he’ll convince by himself.”

“But what if here too he keeps everybody at a distance? What say he’s doing it again right now?” Another pause. I’ve heard enough and draw attention to myself. I stomp down the remaining steps.

Sharon is walking into the corridor when I’m noisily going down the rest of the staircase. She’s a pretty, reddish blonde woman, and I’d say she’s not older than forty. I’m surprised she has no children of her own, because she seems to genuinely care for Jason.

“I told Jason I’ll come on Monday and take him with me to school. I’ll come for him punctually at 7.30!” I tell her, and I see how her worried face lights up. I decide not to tell her he threw me out. I prefer to let her believe I was talking with him the whole time upstairs.

“That’s great, Nay!” she answers, visibly relieved. “Thanks.”

“Today he’s probably got enough to do. So I won’t annoy him any further! We’ll postpone our sightseeing to another day.

Okay?”

“Okay!” She answers vexed, but enthusiastic. “Can I introduce you to my husband? Todd, come here a moment!” she calls him without waiting for my answer.

A bear of a man walks into the front corridor. And I mean that literally. He’s not only big, he’s very hairy. He gives me a look-over from top to bottom. “G’day!” he says with a deadly serious face but a smile in his eyes. “That’s what they say here, isn’t it?”

“Yep!” I confirm and smile with amusement. “You’re sure to get acclimatised here quickly and not change into a stranded northerner; you’ve already picked up the correct greeting …”

“Good!” he says briefly and a suggestion of relief shows up on his face. I wait for him to say something else, but I wait in vain.

“Todd isn’t a man of many words!” Sharon apologises quickly.

“That’s okay, my father is a dyed-in-the-wool northerner and as obstinate as ten mules. But he’s got a heart of gold!” At that Sharon had to laugh. “That’s good to know. The same is true of Todd.”

“Well then, here’s to good neighbours!” I say merrily, and go to the door. “If you need help, I’ve got nothing on today and tomorrow.”

“That’s sweet of you, Nay, but I have to tidy up things here, otherwise later I’ll be able to find nothing,” Sharon answers, and Todd grunts in agreement.

“Okay, I understand! Well, have fun!” Both say goodbye and I leave the house.

So Jason has experienced something that makes him keep everybody at a distance. Okay! I’m armed! He won’t chase me away so quickly. I don’t give up so fast.

At any rate I intend to crack this nut. I’m not happy when I see someone suffering. And Jason is definitely suffering.

I remember his look when he saw me in the door. He looked curious – and surprised, and there was something else in his glance, but I’m not sure what it was. In retrospect I think the situation was simply too much for him. Yes, I definitely gave him a shock when I suddenly stood in his room and got closer and closer.

I don’t know what got into me, because it totally threw him of balance. Well, then came his defence. Perhaps he was thinking of his childhood or some other bad thing. I hope I haven’t reminded him of something bad, because then it’d certainly be impossible for us to become friends. And I want to be his friend.

He must have gone through something bad if he even has to go to a psychologist. And for a long time too, if I understood correctly. The thought makes me unhappy. Somehow it stresses me that he could have been hurt.

Similarly, I can’t get the look of his eyes out of my head. He’s got the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. Brown with golden flecks and a black colouring around his irises, as though somebody had drawn around them with a black felt pen to make them stand out even more.

Without his wall his eyes glowed like a tiger’s eyes in the sunshine. As well, there are his endlessly long eyelashes – sigh! But when the wall had built up his eyes looked more like dark, dim coal. The ring of the iris became one with the black colour of the coal and made his glance the impression of emptiness and absence. That was really remarkable! I can’t understand why I’m thinking about Jason’s eyes.

Normally I think only of Tim’s baby-blue eyes. But Tim needs no help. He’s engaged with life quite enough. I think of Maya and give an annoyed snort. He definitely needs no help! On the other hand, Jason needs friends, his mother said so.

So how would it be if I simply took him with me this evening? What’s better than an evening of cinema and a harmless meal to get to know a few people from his school? But if I pop up again he’s sure to throw me out. Hm. Maybe I’ll wait a bit more and go over later, then I’ll simply confront him with a fait accompli and he’ll have no time to think up an excuse.

No sooner said than done. Early in the afternoon I stand at Jason’s door and ring the bell. I do it a whole four times. My God, are they deaf? Finally Jason opens the door and looks bleary. Have I perhaps woken him up?

“You?” he asks, and it sounds at least not unfriendly. Rather surprised, but in a good sense. “Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you …”A pause. Complete silence!

I wait patiently and give him time to get used to the situation.

I deliberately stay a few paces away from him so I won’t scare him of again. Meanwhile I stare at him, just as he does at me.

His dark hair is dishevelled, his cheeks reddish. He’s wearing jogging pants and a white, tight T-shirt that hides nothing. He’s muscular, training fit, and definitely has a flat stomach and some abs. He simply looks quite sexy. My eyes wander up to his face again and I feel my cheeks going red when our eyes meet. Caught! Damn!

“Ahem … My parents aren’t here, they’re shopping,” he says at last, clearly embarrassed.

“I wanted to come to you!” bubbles out of me.

I see an even more confused facial expression than before, and the tiger eyes are looking amazed. But then abruptly, as though someone has turned on a switch, the colour of his eyes changes and the coal is visible.

“So what’s so important?” he asks, and sounds quite irritated. How can he change his mood so quickly? I try not to let it be seen how much he confuses me. And I recall what I heard about him today. I have a mission.

I inhale deeply and look directly into his dismissive coal eyes.

“I’m going to take you straight away to the cinema; after all it’s the weekend. Then you can get to know some of your classmates!” I explain with a firm, jolly voice. With my voice too I make it clear I will not accept a “No”.

On his face a roller coaster of feelings is running up and down and the colour of his eyes changes from second to second, till finally he goes back to his dull gaze. He takes a deep breath and I know exactly what’s coming next. But not with me. No! “I’ll pick you up at 5.30. We’ll go and eat something first,” I say quickly, then I promptly turn on my heel and hurry back to my house.

I’ll get you talking, I think, and hurry up to my room. There I look over with a beating heart at Jason’s house and see him walking about wrought up in his room. He looks totally confused, even panic-stricken and is tearing his hair. He looks so helpless that I immediately have a guilty conscience. But then I think of Sharon’s words and I know for sure that Jason would never willingly seek contact, and sometimes a person must simply be confronted with his fears to change something. It’s the best thing for him, and what can happen anyway? When he has seen how nice they all are, then he’ll be relieved that I’ve forced him to come along. Or will he? Suddenly he looks through the window. Our eyes meet and suddenly I’m afraid that he’s going to deliver a “No” to me. I hasten to the window and draw my curtain.

So there! Now he can shake his head. I can’t see him. Nothing will stop me from picking him up later. Nothing at all! He has to learn to overcome his fears …

Jason

I’m flabbergasted. That girl certainly has energy. To the cinema? That’s impossible! There’s little room there and you are forced to touch other people. Why can’t she simply leave me in peace?

My feelings are going up and down. I’m thinking of the dream I just had. I was laughing and being normal, with no fear, and Nay was at my side and we kissed – that was just crazy, I’ve never had dreams like that. I actually held her in my arms with no dread and nightmares. After waking up I felt something in me that scared me to death, and then she was standing at the door. As though somebody had projected her out of my dream.

She looked so determined and wonderful and I was suddenly caught in something unknown. I wanted more, but at the same time I felt the familiar panic rising up in me. But my whole defence smacked up against a wall, a very determined Nay wall. How on earth did she do that? Why did she not just run away?

“I’ll come for you at 5.30. We’ll go and eat something first …” Those words keep going through my head. They are innocent, but dangerous … they yell the words: Take care! Again and again ...and the first time in my life I’d like to ignore the words of warning.

I tear my hair and notice a scream manifesting in me. It is a yearning I can scarcely master. It is new and confusing and rules my whole body and my senses.

My thoughts are racing. I’m deranged! I haven’t deserved friends! But I need some. I need one! Nay! What am I to do? Feelings and reason are struggling against each other and looking for a way out. But then, after a struggle that seems to last forever, my reason gives up and I take a deep breath. What can happen? I have protection: my gloves, my jeans, and the pullover. Nobody will get too close to me. I could sit right at the back at the end of the hall. I just have to explain it.

I want to be normal for one day – with no fears. I have to feel something normal, or else I’ll go of my head. And my decision is firm. I’ll go with her.

Sharon is overjoyed when I tell her I’m going with Nay to the cinema. I’ve never seen her looking so satisfied. My foster mother really does try her very best. I know how hard it is for her to restrain her outbreaks of feeling.

I’m sorry I’m so sick. I really want to be normal, but the thought of being touched sets my legs in motion and I want only to run far away and yell …

Punctually at 5.30 p.m. there is a ringing at the door. When I open it, for a start I’m speechless. I’ve never seen a more beautiful girl then Nay. Her red top make her dark blue eyes glisten, and her blonde hair is wavy at the tips and gives a framework to her natural beauty. She’s wearing only a little makeup, and even that she does not need. Her jeans are firm and tight and short, you see her long legs. She seems infinite. My mouth wants to frame a “wow!” but I bridle myself in the last second. Instead I try to look as bored as possible. That’s the way to keep her at a distance, that much is clear. It’d be even worse if she spontaneously embraced me or did something like that. I’m shaking inwardly at the thought. That would really be a catastrophe!

“Are you ready?” she asks me, and her blue eyes are even more radiant. Yearning is burning within me. She is breathtaking! My words stick in my throat, so I just nod.

“Well, let’s go!” she says, and hops over to her car. A little blue Honda fit. How suitable!

I open the passenger door and get in. It smells of lemon. I love that odour. It reminds me of Nay. Innocent and pure. Oh, damn it! I’m utterly lost …

“We’ll eat something first,” she interrupts my disastrous thoughts. “In Sophienhof and Cinemaxx there’s a huge assortment of international dishes. What would you most like to eat?” she asks, and I notice that’s she striving to sound casual.

“Is there an Italian place?” I ask. She beams at me and my heart makes a leap.

“Yes … I’ll get something for me too at the Italian place. Tim hates noodles and pasta. He’d sooner have steak and burgers,” she says, more to herself, and she blushes.

“Who’s Tim?”

“Ahem … he’s our neighbour … on the other side.” She gestures to the left and then adds: “He lives near me. I’ve known him as long as I can think.” Again she goes red. Red as a tomato. That Tim seems to have really impressed her. A feeling of jealousy overcomes me. But I shake it away again.

“Is Tim in the party too?” I ask.

“Yes, he’ll come with his girlfriend Maya.” Do I catch a trace of regret?

“Why didn’t he travel with us if he lives next to us?” I drill further.

“He had something on, probably with Maya … we’ll all meet up in Cinemaxx,” she answers and sounds hopeless.

“Aha, you want to make him jealous of me, is that it?” I ask provocatively.

Dismay spreads over her face and I notice immediately that she had not even thought of that. So why the devil has she brought me along?

“I simply want you to get to know some from your school!” she explains at last, and I believe her. “Friends are important!” she adds, and in her eyes is a sadness that I don’t quite understand. “It must have been hard to change schools in your last year, I guess?”

“Not really!” I mutter, then I expect further questions about my old school, but Nay stays silent. We drive on in silence. A quarter of an hour later we are in the parking lot and get out.

“I’ve never yet had to park right at the top. It must be really full today!” she sighs, and looks around. Crowds of people? An icy cold shiver of fear runs down my spine. I run my hand across my forehead and suddenly notice I’ve forgotten my gloves. Shit! How am I supposed to stay away from all of those people? What have I let myself in for?

“Hey, everything okay with you? Suddenly you’re so pale!” she remarks, and her eyes look at me with compassion. Or is it not compassion at all, but something quite different? I don’t know! She’s driving me crazy! Because of her I’ve forgotten my gloves, I think in anger. She distracted me!

“Jason?” I hear her asking softly, and I explode like a champagne bottle that’s been shaken. “It’s nothing at all!” I hiss and I see how she flinches.

I’m immediately sorry, but I can’t take it back because a vision suddenly races through my head: empty, cold eyes capture me with their gaze: “Run, Jason, run!” they’re calling out. But I can only stare. They come closer, closer and closer, bloody hands are snatching at me and I’m incapable of running away … You’re the next …

Soon – I hear someone say … we’ll get you .. you’re ours …

Nay

Jason has clearly not had much contact with other people. I have the feeling that he has particularly extreme fear even though he had just yelled at me furiously. The way he acts is so bizarre. His eyes are full of fear, as though he’s looking at something bad. But there’s nothing there! He follows me to the lifts in a trance and says nothing.

My heart seizes up because I feel helpless. Somehow Jason touches me inwardly and I want to give him security, but I don’t know how to go about it. How do you calm somebody down without touching him? That’s impossible. I’m sure that words alone can’t do it. But he’s here! And he’s trying to overcome his fear and somehow that makes me proud.

My heart relaxes and is now beating faster. Oh man, I’m just as confused as he is … sigh! I can’t even describe what I’m feeling. It is at least a totally different feeling than what I have with Tim. With Tim it’s more a matter of habit! Did I just think that? At last the lift arrives and interrupts my shocking thoughts.

A cramped look is terrible if you’re not speaking, and Jason can be silent for a very long time. I peer over at him and keep the security distance that Jason has instinctively determined. His hands have made fists in his jeans. As though he wants to hide them from me. And anyway: he’s dressed as though he’s expecting a total upheaval of the weather at any moment. And yet we still have, surprisingly, temperatures of about 20 degrees Celsius, which is something quite unusual for the north of Germany. He should really be enjoying the weather. But he isn’t! Is that all connected with his fears? Is he protecting himself against contact with others, is that what Sharon meant? I can imagine that some people look on him as queer for that, and I get angry at the thought that somebody could make fun of him.

“Are you looking forward to the new school?” I ask him at last, and I get annoyed at my own ridiculous question. But I simply want to hear his voice.

He looks at me agitatedly and then he gives a deep sigh. As though he’s relieved that I’m still talking to him. “It’s all right!” he finally whispers. “I’m not a great fan of new situations.”

“Oh, it’ll work out!” I answer encouragingly. “We really have a top class school. They’re all extra nice there!” I see him pulling his hands out of his trouser pockets and then hide them in the sleeves of his pullover. Okay, he’s clearly afraid of being touched – if it isn’t a phobia!

“I just want to be left in peace!” he explains to me even more softly.

“Well, then you’ve probably moved into the wrong neighbourhood!” I hope that he hears in my tone that I don’t intend leaving him in peace. Then he falls silent again with his eyes lost in thought.

I’m still trying to find out what he can be thinking as we set of for Sophienhof.

From afar I see Tanja and Kay, who are holding our regular table in front of our favourite Chinese restaurant.

So we’re not the first ones to arrive. “Hi!” I call out to them merrily. Tanja beams at me. We’ve known each other since kindergarten and she is along with Tim my best friend. Since the summer holidays she’s been with Tim’s best friend Kay and the two of them are just so happy together. It’s always been hard lately to see her with Kay, because he keeps reminding me that Tim doesn’t want me. Since Kay has been with Tanja he looks me over more than usual, and I have a feeling Tanja has revealed to him my feelings for Tim. But maybe I’m just too open. At any rate I don’t fail to catch her glance as I approach them with Jason.

Both of them survey him in astonishment. I’m with another boy – that’s certainly something new. I give an internal sigh.

“Guys, this is my new neighbour, Jason Rockefeller.

From Monday he’s going to school with us.”

Kay gets ready to shake Jason’s hand but I ward him of.

“No intimacies!” I laugh and stop Kay. He pulls his hand back and shoves it in his trousers pocket. Then he introduces himself: “I’m Kay, Kay Schmidt. And that’s my girlfriend Tanja!”

“Tanja Olomski!” she answers cheerfully and looks with curiosity at Jason. I can see clearly that she’s surprised by the clothing. But I’m sure she won’t condemn him. She’ll think he’s a shiverer like herself. Jason looks relieved, noting Tanja‘s amused look and Kay’s curiosity. “It’s nice to meet you both!” he says and nods to them.

“What sent you in this direction?” Kay asks with interest, and his glance wanders from me to Jason and back.

“Well Todd, my foster father, has got a much better paid job and that’s really the only reason why we’ve moved to here,” Jason explains and seems to be thawing out slowly.

We chat about banal topics and I relax too. Who knows, maybe all he really needs are a few nice friends. Our eyes meet and I’m looking into the tiger eyes. Good! That’s what I want to see. I hope it stays that way.

“Nay!” suddenly I hear someone calling and my heart starts beating faster. Tim is coming up the elevator. Alone. Slowly he strolls over to us and finally embraces me. He presses me more firmly and longer than usual. I’m so surprised by his attack that I’m speechless. Usually he doesn’t do such things. Finally he sighs into my ear, “It’s great that you’ve come!” and with that he fully confuses me.

“Ahem, we agreed on that … just this morning,” I remind him uncertainly.

Kay clears his throat. “He’s acting as if he hasn’t seen you for a year,” he says derisively.

Tim lets go of me and grins at me self-confidently. Then he turns to Kay. The two of them cross glances that I can’t interpret.

“Hi, Kay!” They comes a high-five.

Suddenly Kay pulls his head to the right. I’m puzzled. Does he want to draw Tim’s attention to Jason? Tim turns to the right and looks first at Tanja. He embraces and greets her and finally plants a smooch on her cheek, then his eyes land on Jason and he stiffens.

“That’s Jason!” I say and clear my throat. This is all quite strange.

Tim turns to me and gives me a quizzical look. Very clearly I can see the question he’s secretly posing: Damn it, who on earth is that? And somehow that annoys me. He’s allowed to come along with other girls, but I can’t with a guy, is that so?

If I do it, it’s wrong, eh? The very idea!

“So you’re Tim!” says Jason. Can I hear jealousy in his voice?No. I must be imagining it. “Do I know you!?” asks Tim and pulls a face that could not be more contemptuous.

“No, but I’ve heard quite a bit about you. Nay told me about you,” I hear Jason explain.

“So, she did that, eh? Well, she’s never yet talked about you! And I’ve known her forever …” Tim replies arrogantly.

Jason is now grinning broadly. It’s a truly sweet smile and I feel warm around the heart – and that confuses me.