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- Herausgeber: Icon Books
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Serie: Practical Guide Series
- Sprache: Englisch
What is assertiveness, and what are benefits? Filled with straightforward, practical advice, Introducing Assertiveness: A Practical Guide will help you find out, allowing you to overcome passive behaviour and take ownership of your own thoughts and feelings without becoming aggressive. Experienced life and business coach David Bonham-Carter provides clear, practical steps to help you develop they key characteristics of assertiveness – steps that can improve your work life and your personal life.
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Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2013
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First published in the UK in 2012
by Icon Books Ltd,
Omnibus Business Centre, 39–41 North Road, London N7 9DP
email: [email protected]
www.iconbooks.net
This electronic edition published in the UK in 2012 by Icon Books Ltd
ISBN: 978-184831-505-1 (ePub format)
ISBN: 978-184831-505-8 (Adobe eBook format)
Text copyright © 2012 David Bonham-Carter
The author has asserted his moral rights.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, or by any means, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.
Typeset in Avenir by Marie Doherty
Introducing Assertiveness: A Practical Guide includes practical ideas and exercises to help people struggling with assertiveness issues. The techniques and ideas in the book are likely to be of benefit to many people making use of them. They are provided in good faith on the basis of the author’s research and professional experience as a life coach. However, it is not claimed that they will be appropriate for all individuals at all times. You are advised to exercise your own reasonable judgement about what is suitable in your particular situation and to seek appropriate independent professional advice if you are unsure about what is best for you in your circumstances or if your issues are such that you may need further help.
About the author
David Bonham-Carter is a life coach and writer on self-help topics who specializes in helping people struggling with assertiveness, self-esteem, anxiety and related difficulties. For many years David worked in the UK as a social worker helping people from a range of backgrounds to achieve positive changes in their lives through face-to-face work before setting up his own life coaching practice in Bristol. He has a Masters Degree in Social Work from the University of Kent (passed with distinction) and a Masters Degree in Philosophy from the University of Bristol. He has a particular interest in the use of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) techniques for helping people to develop self-esteem and assertiveness skills and he has written a number of guides to dealing with particular emotional and cognitive difficulties. More information about his life coaching service and his practical self-help guides is available at his website www.davidbonham-carter.com
David would like to thank Denise for her helpful comments on the first draft of this book.
Author’s note
It is important to note that there are many ideas frequently cited in relation to assertiveness. I have sought to give credit to the original sources of ideas where known. My apologies to the originators of any ideas who have been inadvertently overlooked.
Contents
Title page
Copyright information and disclaimer
About the author
Author’s note
Introduction
What is assertiveness? – The benefits of being assertive – Ways of behaving that are not assertive – Problems arising from non-assertive behaviour – Building your assertiveness – Emotional responses and a reasoned approach to assertiveness – How to use this book – Assessing your assertiveness
SECTION 1: ASSERTIVENESS BASICS
Chapter 1. Rights and responsibilities
Reasonableness and respect – Four ‘rights and responsibilities’ principles – Applying the four principles – Troubleshooting the four rights and responsibilities principles – Countering childhood messages that are making it hard for you to be assertive – Focusing on outcomes – The importance of patience
Chapter 2. Communicating effectively
1. Listening effectively – Ingredients of good listening – Three core listening skills
2. Developing conversations – Free information and self-disclosure
3. Expressing yourself – Taking ownership of your own feelings, thoughts and opinions – Common elements of expressing yourself assertively – Assertive body language – Expressing criticism – The assertion sandwich – Challenging others
4. Negotiating effectively – 15 Negotiation tips
Chapter 3. Seven assertiveness techniques
1. Saying ‘no’
2. Offering a compromise solution
3. Broken record
4. Fogging
5. Negative assertion
6. Negative inquiry
7. DESC scripting
SECTION 2: CHANGING NON-ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOUR
Chapter 4. Changing passive behaviour – gaining the courage to assert yourself
Passive behaviour – Using the ABC model to change passive thinking – Using a challenge checklist to address anxiety – Facing up to your fears of being assertive – Positive visualization – How to get your point across – The DEAL method
Chapter 5. Changing aggressive behaviour – learning to act reasonably
Aggressive behaviour – Healthy and unhealthy anger – Changing behaviour that might be aggressive (five-step analysis) – Changing thinking patterns that might be aggressive – Anger checklist – Realistic preferences – Indirect aggression – Three possible reasons why you might act disruptively or manipulatively – Suggestions
Chapter 6. Self-esteem and assertiveness
Low self-esteem and passive behaviour – Identifying your limiting beliefs – The downward arrow technique – Changing limiting beliefs – Testing out your new beliefs – Creating personal affirmations – Excessive self-esteem and aggressive behaviour – Self-elevation, minimizing and low frustration tolerance – Dealing with arrogant belief patterns
Conclusion: Creating your own assertiveness plan
Sample assertiveness plans – Creating your own assertiveness plan – General considerations – Choosing actions – Different techniques – Template for your assertiveness plan
Appendix 1: Key developments in assertiveness training
Appendix 2: Assessing your assertiveness
Additional resources
Index
Introduction
Assertiveness is about how you act in relationships and how effectively you communicate. Imagine what it would be like if you could express your wishes, feelings and thoughts in ways that improved your chances of getting what you want without infringing the rights of others. How would you feel if you could be truer to yourself, stand up for your rights and resist attempts by others to put you down or take you for granted? Assertiveness involves doing these things while at the same time listening to others and acting towards them with respect and honesty.
This book discusses some of the issues involved in behaving and communicating assertively. It explains ideas and methods that you can follow and practise to help you become more assertive. It examines:
What is assertiveness?
If you are assertive then you:
Stand up for your own and other people’s rights in a reasonable and clear way in situations where it is appropriate to do soExpress your views clearly and articulately without being aggressiveGive other people a reasonable opportunity to express their opinions without letting them dominate a conversationHave the courage to express your own feelings and thoughts when it is appropriate, even about difficult issues, and to do so in a way which is respectful and honest.The benefits of being assertive
There are many potential benefits to being assertive, including:
Feeling more confidentBeing able to relax moreHaving greater awareness of your own needs and a greater ability to meet themBeing able to create personal and professional goals instead of putting everyone else first or getting distracted by other priorities and different agendasParticipating in honest, constructive relationships where you and others can develop understanding and respect and solve problems together.Ways of behaving that are not assertive
1. Passive behaviour
Passive behaviour is a type of behaviour which is characteristic of people who seek to avoid conflict or criticism. If this is a form of behaviour which you often adopt then it is likely that whatever your own feelings you may allow others to make choices and decisions for you or to take advantage of your goodwill.
If you act passively then you are likely to do things such as:
Go along with other people’s decisions even if you don’t agree with them because you don’t want to have an argumentTake on an excessive share of unpleasant or mundane tasks because you feel that it would be confrontational to say ‘no’ or you are worried about the consequences of saying ‘no’Agree to do things you don’t want to do, because you are overly concerned with trying to please people or don’t want to upset themFail to express or communicate your true feelings (particularly when these involve contradicting another person or criticizing them) because of anxieties about the effect on your relationship or worries that people may then have a negative opinion of youFail to exercise your rights or remain unaware of them or believe that you should always be deferential or compliant towards others.2. Aggressive behaviour
Aggressive behaviour is the opposite of passive behaviour: it involves seeking to have your own wishes met irrespective of the needs or wishes of others and without showing reasonable respect. Behaviour can be directly aggressive – for example, when someone speaks in a loud or intimidating manner, making demands – or it can be indirectly aggressive – for example, when someone covertly, deceitfully or in a manner that plays on other people’s emotions, steers events towards what they themselves want in a self-centred way.
If you act with direct aggression then you may do any or all of the following things:
Dominate conversations, interrupt other people and not give them the opportunity to speakShout or use abusive language towards other people when they don’t act in a way you agree with or they challenge what you are sayingFind it difficult to acknowledge your faults or errors and act defensively when criticized reasonablyUse intimidating body language or threats, or assault others when they do not do what you want or as a way of trying to coerce them or express your disapprovalShow little regard for the rights of others and treat them without much respect.Indirectlyaggressive behaviour, on the other hand, involves behaviour which at first sight is not so obviously abusive or aggressive but which can be equally disruptive or controlling of others through less overt means. Acting with indirect aggression may involve doing things such as:
Lying or painting distorted pictures of people or situations in order to convey a particular impression or achieve results you wantMaking out that you are a victim or have been hard done by in cases where this is not so, in order to achieve sympathy or to pressurize others into acting in certain waysPlaying on other people’s insecurities or potential feelings of guilt, anxiety, shame or fear in order to get them to do what you would likeCommitting to do things to achieve agreements with others even though you don’t intend to carry through your commitmentsPlaying innocent or misdescribing what you have agreed to previously, so as to cover up your own part in creating a problematic situation.Problems arising from non-assertive behaviour
There may be some short-term benefits from behaving non-assertively, for example:
If you behave passively you may avoid immediate confrontationsIf you behave with overt, direct aggression you may sometimes find that people don’t argue with you (out of fear) and you get your wayIf you behave disruptively or manipulatively (i.e. with indirect aggression) you may sometimes get your way.However, these benefits are often transitory or outweighed by more significant or long-term drawbacks arising from the way you have acted.
You may frustrate or annoy people if you act passively or manipulatively, because you are not clearly or honestly expressing what you wantYou may allow yourself to take on too many commitments if you have passive tendencies, and then not be able to do everything you have promisedYou may anger or frighten people if you act aggressivelyYou may be disregarded or marginalized if you act passively, because people learn that they can treat you like a doormat without significant repercussionsYou may be ignored or mistrusted if you act disruptively or manipulatively, because people may learn that you have a tendency to act in selfish or deceitful waysYou may lose or not develop real lasting friendships through being over-passive, aggressive or manipulative, because important clear communication and honest respect are missing when you act in these ways.For these reasons if you can learn to act more assertively and to change your non-assertive ways of behaving it can help you to improve:
The quality of your relationshipsThe effectiveness of your actions andThe depth of respect in which you are held by others.Building your assertiveness
The aim of this book is to give you ideas that can help you to become more assertive.
Section 1details some proactive approaches to becoming more assertive:
Chapter 1 explores how to stand up for your rights, while respecting the rights and needs of others.
Chapter 2 takes you through some key aspects of communicating effectively.
Chapter 3 describes specific techniques for helping you to express yourself assertively and illustrates them through the use of case studies.
Section 2 examines particular types of non-assertive behaviour and explains what you can do to change your behaviour if you act in any of those particular non-assertive ways:
Chapter 4 is for people who have a tendency to act passively and allow their own needs and wishes to be submerged. The chapter provides different techniques that you can use to challenge your passivity appropriately and to become more assertive.
Chapter 5 explores how to modify and control your tendencies to aggressive behaviour if you are overtly aggressive in the way you act, and explains what you can do if your tendency is towards indirect aggression (disruptive or manipulative behaviour).
Chapter 6 describes how lowself-esteem can be a factor contributing to your passive behaviour and how excessively highor ‘pseudo’ self-esteem can be a factor in aggressive behaviour. The chapter gives ideas for countering the potential negative impact on your assertiveness if either of these self-esteem imbalances applies to you.
The conclusion shows you how you can bring together the lessons of the previous chapters and any particular techniques that are relevant to the situations that you face to create your own assertiveness plan.
Emotional responses and a reasoned approach to assertiveness
If you suffer from difficulties in being assertive then the likelihood is that that you have strong feelings such as anxiety, inhibiting you from expressing what you want and leading you to act passively, or anger, leading you to go the other way and be aggressive. When faced with strong, almost overwhelming feelings that paralyse you or seem to control your behaviour, it can be difficult to find a way to change. Training yourself to be assertive involves following practical exercises to help you deal with these difficult emotions.
This book builds in particular on the ideas of the psychologist Albert Ellis, the founder of a school of therapy known as ‘Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy’. Ellis argued that your emotions are often generated by the thoughts that you have, such as anxious thoughts about how events might turn out, or what people might think of you if you act in a certain way. Ellis showed that by a reasoned approach to analysing and addressing thought patterns that generate difficult emotions, you can help yourself to act in a way that is healthy, constructive and conducive to your personal development.
This book follows a similar reasoned approach to help you be more assertive, providing clear, structured exercises to help you change your behaviour and address thought patterns and emotions which may be making it difficult for you to be assertive.
How to use this book
The book is written as a guide to what assertiveness involves and how to become more assertive. Each chapter includes exercises and tips for you to follow and try out, with examples. The book is set out in a logical order that also allows you to focus on what is most important for you. If there is a particular chapter or chapters that you think may be relevant for you, then you can spend more time on that chapter or chapters, to glean the most from the ideas. For example, if you think that you have a tendency to behave passively, you may decide to focus in particular on chapter 3 (assertiveness techniques), chapter 4 (changing passive behaviour) and chapter 6 (self-esteem issues).
Where helpful, case studies are included. The people in the case studies are not real individuals but their dilemmas and efforts reflect concerns and approaches that are common.
Assessing your assertiveness
Very few (if any) people are assertive all of the time. There may well be some situations where you find it easier to be assertive or some people with whom you find it easier to communicate more effectively and assertively and vice versa. Later on in chapters 4 and 5, you will be asked to identify the kinds of situations where you might act passively or aggressively and you will be given ideas for how you can address problems in those particular situations. First, however, it may be useful for you to answer a few questions which will give you an idea of whether you have a general tendency to respond in one particular way.
Read through the five questions below and write down an honest answer to each, describing how you would be most likely to react in the situation described. Appendix 2 sets out some possible ways in which people might react to each situation and how their responses might be classified in terms of assertiveness, using the four categories: passive, directly aggressive, indirectly aggressive and assertive. Compare your likely responses with those given in appendix 2, to help you decide whether you have a general tendency to act in a particular way. Alternatively, your answers may help you to see that in certain types of situation you act assertively, but in other situations you tend to act passively or aggressively.
At work a project comes up that you are very interested in working on. Your team leader asks everyone in the team if they would like to be involved. You and two others say ‘yes’ when asked. What do you then do, given that you want to be involved but so do others?You and your partner are at a restaurant having a meal with friends. During the meal your partner keeps making dismissive remarks towards you. How do you react?You receive an unsolicited telephone call from a caller offering a service to install solar glazing panels on your roof, which you have no interest in. How do you respond?You are watching your favourite television programme when your flatmate comes in, takes the remote control, asks if you mind watching another programme and switches channel before you have a chance to object. How do you react?You have just bought a new sweater which you rather like. When you meet up with your friend in a café the next day she notices it straight away and remarks: ‘Ouch, that colour doesn’t suit you at all.’ What do you say in reply?Compare your answers with the possible ways of responding set out in appendix 2, then move on to section 1, where we start to explore the principal ingredients of acting assertively.
SECTION 1: ASSERTIVENESS BASICS
1. Rights and responsibilities
Many writers and teachers of assertiveness stress the importance of standing up for your own rights whilst also acknowledging the rights and needs of others. In this chapter you will learn about some ideas that you can use to help you to do this.
Reasonableness and respect
Two of the key elements of assertiveness are:
ReasonablenessRespectThe rights and responsibilities principles that are set out in this chapter are built around these elements. It is important to realize that there are two aspects of showing respect that are relevant to what your rights and responsibilities are. These two aspects are:
Showing respect to yourselfShowing respect to othersIf you act in an overly aggressive way then it is likely that you are not showing respect to others. (You may also not be respecting yourself enough to believe that you can act reasonably.)
If you act in an overly passive way then it is likely that you are not showing respect to yourself, by not recognizing your own needs or not believing that you have rights. (You may also not be showing respect to others, if your passivity involves you not telling the truth to others or not showing a reasonable level of trust.)
Four ‘rights and responsibilities’ principles
Below are four principles that are involved in showing respect to others and to yourself which are important to assertiveness. The first three principles are expressed as rights. The fourth principle is expressed as a responsibility.
If you have a tendency to act too passively then focus in particular on the (a) statements in the above principles. You may find it helpful to memorize those and write them out on a card, or pin them on your wall or record them in your mobile phone to remind you of what to focus on. On the other hand, if you have a tendency to act too aggressively then memorize and note down the (b) statements above.
Applying the four rights and responsibilities principles
Applying the four rights and responsibilities principles to help you to become more assertive requires you to use them as a benchmark to check whether you are acting assertively, and then to adjust your actions appropriately if you find that you are not following them.
It is important to exercise some judgement of reasonableness in applying the principles. For example, the first principle says that you can express your feelings and opinions in a reasonable manner. You should make your own judgement about what is reasonable in any particular situation.
Here is an exercise you can try out to help you apply the rights and responsibilities principles.
Exercise 1: Analysing a past situation
Answer the questions below to analyse a past situation where you feel you did not act assertively, either because you were too passive or because you were too aggressive. Repeat the exercise again with another situation if you think it will be helpful.
Ruth: Analysing a past situation to help exercise your rights
Ruth is someone who tends to act passively in her relationship with her partner, Peter. He is quite an assertive person and is comfortable making decisions. Quite often Ruth goes along with this even when she would prefer a different option to the one Peter has chosen. An example of this was recently when they were choosing to go away on holiday with their two young children. Peter suggested they go on a self-catering holiday to keep costs down. Ruth envisaged that doing so would probably leave her doing most of the cooking and any domestic chores while abroad, but she didn’t voice her thoughts and indeed that was what ended up happening. She now uses the five-step analysis above to reflect on what happened.
1. Describe the situation – what happened and what did you do or not do in the situation?
‘Peter chose for us to go on a self-catering holiday and we ended up doing so, with the result that I did all the cooking and domestic chores and didn’t have the break I would have liked.’
2. What is it that you are not happy with in the way you acted or didn’t act in the situation?
‘I wish I had explained that I didn’t want to do all the cooking and chores, and asked him to do a share of them or else arrange for us to have meals out or full board while we were there.’
3. Consider the four rights and responsibilities principles:
Right to express your feelings and opinionsRight to say ‘no’Rightto make mistakesResponsibility for making decisionsWhich of the principles seem relevant to this situation?
‘Principle (a) is most relevant. I didn’t explain how I felt or what I wanted in the situation. To some degree (b) was relevant too as I didn’t say that I wasn’t prepared to do all the cooking/chores, and (d) also applied as I didn’t take responsibility for the arrangements but just followed what Peter said despite my reservations.’
If you accept the four rights and responsibilities principles, what will you do differently the next time a similar situation arises?
‘Next time I will explain what I would prefer and why. If that leads to a discussion or disagreement, I will then suggest a compromise (for example, if Peter doesn’t want to eat out every day because of the cost, I can suggest that we share the burden of the cooking/washing up, etc.).’
What can you do to help you carry through your commitment to doing that?
‘Remind myself that at the moment I just fester and feel resentful at having to do all the tasks and that I am unlikely to see a change unless I consciously make an effort to express my views to Peter, because at the moment he is probably unaware of them.’
If you try this exercise and find yourself stuck as to what you can do differently next time the situation arises, look at some of the assertiveness techniques outlined in chapter 3 (‘Seven assertiveness techniques’) and consider whether any of those might help in your situation.
