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- Herausgeber: Icon Books
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Serie: Practical Guide Series
- Sprache: Englisch
Develop and improve your relationship with teenagers. The teenage years are complex, exciting and often turbulent. Growth, development and learning are intrinsic to this period and every teenage experience is different. For anyone who cares about a teenager's wellbeing, development and learning, this Practical Guide offers a theoretically informed way of thinking about, understanding and actually living with teenagers. Focusing on the three major issues prevalent in teenage years: achievement, belonging and control, and the behaviors that fall within these categories, experienced professional educational psychologist Kairen Cullen expertly draws upon a wealth of experience and the different psychological theories and approaches that can be used to address each issue.
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Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019
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About the author
Kairen Cullen is a writer, a chartered educational psychologist and a parent of four adult children. She trained as an educational psychologist and achieved a PhD at the Institute of Education, University of London. She has worked for several decades with individual children, young people and adults to help them achieve educational and personal success. She has also done a lot of work with groups, organizations and the press and media. She has now reached the point in her career where she has decided to use her extensive experience for writing, consultation and media-related work and no longer offers the individual assessment services through which, in the past, she helped with a tremendous variety of learning and behavioural issues. You can read about the wide range of topics and publications to which Kairen has contributed, her writing and other work on her website http://drkairencullen.com and http://psychologistthinkingaloud.home.blog
Author’s note
In my assessment practice I have helped people to clarify their issues, questions and the changes they wanted to bring about. I did this through a process of finding out as much as possible about the factors and influences contributing to their situations in order to provide professional advice. I used ‘positive psychology’ with a firm commitment to the humanistic psychology principles of acceptance, congruence and empathy. I also drew upon a number of applied psychology approaches including cognitive behaviour therapy, art therapy, family therapy, solution-focused brief therapy and personal construct psychology. I continue to use these approaches, my research skills and psychological theory in my writing, other professional activities and in my life generally as I have always believed it to be essential to ‘walk the talk’ and to provide services which I would be happy for myself or a member of my own family to receive. Where at all possible I have referenced the source of research drawn upon in my writing but in instances where these may have been overlooked I offer my apologies.
Contents
Section 1: Introduction to the psychology of parenting teenagers
1. About this book
This is a book for anyone who has anything to do with teenagers and cares about their well-being, development and learning: actual parents of teenagers, parents with younger children who in time will become teenagers and also the many other adults in teenagers’ lives, including professionals who may find the text helpful as an aid to thinking in their practice. It offers an original, practical and theoretically informed way of thinking about, understanding and actually living with and being involved with teenagers.
I am writing from the perspective of an experienced professional educational psychologist, who at various times has specialized in ‘behaviour’, which as most people know is shorthand for ‘difficult behaviour’, and very frequently that of young people in the teenage years. I am also drawing upon my life experience as the parent of four adult children who, of course, were once teenagers with a fair few of the blessings and challenges that teenagers bestow on their parents and the world in general.
The focus of my book is largely on what is considered to be ‘normal’ teenage behaviour, i.e. not upon the range of behaviours associated with clinical disorder and what is sometimes termed ‘abnormal psychology’. However, I will touch upon the signs and symptoms that can be evident when these latter terms may apply, what to do in those situations and who might be able to help. It is important 4 for me to emphasize that where a young person’s everyday behaviour, learning and/or development is causing concern and is significantly different to that of the majority of other children in their age group, then adults involved with such young people should seek advice and possibly the direct input of appropriately qualified professionals. The family’s GP and/or an involved education professional are generally good access points for getting this help.
This book is strewn with case studies, which of necessity are fictional but, as for nearly all fiction, are drawn from lived experience. Practical tips and exercises accompany the different challenges of teenagers, often within the case studies in order to better understand the ideas presented. You may decide to try some of them with your own teenagers and if so you need to select activities which you are confident are appropriate, supportive and always undertaken with the young person’s well-being and best interests in mind. If, for whatever reason, it is not feasible to do the exercise with an actual teenager, I suggest that you draw upon memories of being a teenager yourself and use your remembered and/or imagined younger self.
The approaches that I have developed in my applied practice are underpinned by educational psychology literature and psychological theory in general and I will summarize and refer to these where appropriate. The last part of this introductory section, Chapters 4 and 5 focus very specifically on many of the theories that I draw upon. I outline the blend of research and theory that is being used and aim 5 to clarify and explain this so that readers gain a practical understanding that will help them in their relationships with teenagers. I also provide references for further and more in-depth reading for those who wish to pursue their explorations of the subject more.
This book follows my first book in the Practical Guides series published by Icon Books, A Practical Guide to Child Psychology, first published in 2011 and now available in its second edition. This book builds upon many of the ideas in my first book and you may find it helpful to read this also.
The key ideas
How you use this book will of course depend upon your particular situation, and the nature of your involvement with teenagers. This is not a book of instruction and it does not claim to have all the answers, or to be able to ‘prescribe’ exactly what you should do. However, it will help you in your thinking, and as we all know, whether or not we are professional psychologists, little true learning, solution-finding or even behaviour as a whole changes unless an individual’s thinking is open to new ideas. This, itself, is a key idea that runs through every chapter, so even if you find some of the ideas and approaches not immediately appealing, try to stay open-minded because there is every chance that you can blend some aspects with other ideas and approaches.
This leads nicely to another key idea: the need to cultivate creativity in your interactions with teenagers. 6
My mum is always reading books or listening to people on the radio on how to deal with me and I can see where she’s coming from from a mile off. It doesn’t work because it’s not real and it wasn’t her idea.
Fourteen year old
In many ways teenagers today are more informed and worldlier than ever before. New technology is partly responsible but I also think, from my experiences with so many teenagers over more than three decades, that their reasoning and questioning is more sophisticated than ever before. This is a testament to both our education system and to parents and carers and is a reflection of the world we live in. This is why it is important to be as original, authentic and relevant to the particular young person and situation as possible. If you aren’t, they are sure to find you out. As one colleague said to me:
Teenagers can sometimes seem like an unstoppable force because they generally have one overriding project into which they channel their energies and emotions and that is themselves.
Child psychiatrist
This quote illustrates my third key idea, which is that teenagers are generally very self-focused, and think about themselves a lot. If you want to test this out turn to any popular fiction or television representation, or if you kept a diary at this age yourself, read this and the inward gaze of most teenagers is clear. 7
Perhaps when I am famous and my diary is discovered people will understand the torment of being a 13¾ year old undiscovered intellectual.
The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, Aged 13¾ (1982) by Sue Townsend
So on to the next idea: If you want to find an answer ask a question.
Drawing on the generally self-focused nature of teenagers, it makes sense that if you are trying to help, support and guide them, then talking with and asking them about their issues, challenges, wishes etc. is a good idea and is often likely to be the starting point and at least a part of the solution to any problem.
Please note the italics above as I want to highlight the substantial contributions that parents and adults offer to the teenagers in their lives. With this in mind here are some of the things that adults can offer teenagers:
Life experience and a sense of perspectiveLoveEncouragementAffirmation and endorsementRole models, based upon the ‘do as I do’ style rather than the ‘do as I say’ styleInformationResources8Make your own additions to this list on the previous page.
I hinted at the fifth key idea in the above bullet point about ‘do as I do’, and it is to be congruent in terms of your own behaviour, including what you say. If you don’t immediately have an answer or a solution, it is best to be honest about this, but also realistically positive. For example: ‘I don’t know at the moment but I think I know how to find out.’ I am confident that this book will help you at such times.
It is also key to enforce the idea that teenagers need to experience the world in order to learn. Because the world they are growing up in is different to the one that their parents grew up in, this can make their sometimes impetuous, risky and experimental behaviours a source of concern and worry. When people are anxious they generally seek to be in or have more control and as the average teenager pushes on a daily basis to have more control of their actions and choices this can and often does lead to conflict. It does not help that the general portrayal of teenagers in popular media emphasizes this negative aspect, so I am deliberately re-framing this issue as that of the teenager doing what they can to learn what they need to know and do in order to grow up into independent, functional 9 adults. I also suggest that you as a parent of, or someone living on a daily basis with, a teenager, view the fact that they are often their most difficult with you because they are secure enough to risk and engage in the conflict and know you can manage the negativity and the sometimes painful emotions. Although you may not like their behaviour, your love for them is always there.
Work as a professional psychologist entails many years of study, daily ongoing reading and research, supervised professional practice and a conscious striving to always work with objectivity, neutrality and scientific rigour, so I am not downplaying any of this when I say that my next key idea is that we are all psychologists in our own lives. The reason for this, I believe, is because although psychology is a complex and vast subject, most of what psychological theory and research can offer to people in their everyday lives is eminently practical and useable. Once you have developed a greater understanding of the psychological theories relevant to your situation you will be in a better position to use this in reducing and resolving problems.
Another key idea is that although there are undoubtedly generalizations to be made about the teenage years, every teenager is different and unique. Each teenager has their own developmental path, their own unique, innate characteristics and each experience different living situations and conditions. Human beings are complex, dynamic and many-faceted entities who live in an ever-changing world and the view that teenagers embody these characteristics 10 particularly obviously is a common one. The adults with whom they are involved have to reconcile their own, usually quite vivid and often difficult memories of being teenagers with the demands and responsibilities of their own adult lives and be supportive and wise in relation to their young people. However, it must also be recognized that every parent is unique and different and will have their own unique situations, personal and material resources and histories. My clinical and personal experience tells me that the only way to achieve this is through the following final key idea: parents need to be engaged in continuous, everyday problem-solving and solution-finding. This necessitates energy, realistic optimism, stamina and confidence. I am hoping that in the pages to come you will find some fresh, accessible and practical ideas that you can use in your involvement with the unique teenagers with whom you are involved.
Ten key ideas within this book about interacting with teenagers:
Try to stay open-mindedCultivate creativity Teenagers are generally very self-focusedIf you want to find an answer ask a questionBe congruent in terms of your own behaviour, including what you say 11Teenagers need to experience the world in order to learnWe are all psychologists in our own livesEvery teenager is different and uniqueEvery parent is unique and differentParents need to be engaged in continuous, everyday problem-solving and solution-finding.2. The teenage years
Historical and social context
In the Western world, until the 20th century, the phase of life that we now know as the teenage years was relatively new. It was not acknowledged as an explicit aspect of society embedded in everyday culture the way it is now across most of the world. The distinction between children and adults was less demarcated and child labour was commonplace until the law changed, very gradually, to prohibit such practices. A new legislative framework was put in place over time, mandating minimum age requirements for sexual consent, marriage, school attendance and work and then at a later stage for voting, driving and alcohol consumption. The time that children spent in compulsory education was being extended, school populations were becoming more diverse and integrated, i.e. in terms of socioeconomic, ethnic and racial characteristics, and the expectation that young people in their mid-teens should be married was changing.
The common behaviours and underlying attitudes of young people, for example in relation to drinking, smoking and dancing, began to be evident from the 1920s onwards, although the terms ‘teenager’, ‘teen’ and ‘teenage’ were not commonly adopted across the world until the mid-20th century. Contributory factors included the popularization of the car, the development of public transport, 13improved communication systems, the civil rights movement, women’s emancipation, the development of female contraception, a culture of dating independent of direct parental supervision and an enlarged freedom and range of personal choice regarding leisure time and would-be boy and girl friends. This was extended by much larger and better-resourced schools serving wider geographical areas and a more mobile population affecting and changing family and community structures. All of these factors, inextricably linked with two world wars and a subsequent mushrooming consumer economy and advertising industry, contributed to the popular culture within which the teenage ethic of fun and freedom, reflected in their expectations, attitudes and behaviour, was evident and apparently increasing for subsequent generations of teenagers. These changing values typified by the ‘average teenager’ prompted accusations of materialism and self-gratification of the young and, in fact, can still be voiced by older people even today. It is also true that the teenage years have been and still are very commonly seen as synonymous with a problematic age – a time of rebellion, questioning, anti-social behaviours, challenging lifestyles and experimentation. However, another more positive view often amplified by popular media and the arts is that teenagers are frequently and increasingly trendsetters, with their own distinctive and new fashions, music and film and exciting technology-related culture.
As would be expected, the scholarly study and societal preoccupation and fascination with teenagers developed 14alongside all of the above and continues today. For example, although not originally written with teenagers specifically in mind, the founding father of psychodynamic theory Sigmund Freud’s assertion that the libido was one of the most powerful and natural of human needs has been viewed by some as contributing to an endorsement and legitimization of teenagers’ wish to explore and test society’s mores and limits. If parents search online for writings and advice about teenagers they will have no shortage of material from which to select.
Global patterns
Being a parent, no matter where in the world you and your family live, brings many challenges and blessings. Most parents will relate to this quotation written over 400 years ago:
The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears.
Francis Bacon, philosopher, 1561–1626
The job of being a parent is like no other and yet all of the following points are universal:
It continues throughout lifeThere is no job specification or contractThere is no salary or expense accountIt involves huge responsibilityIt requires the investment of large amounts of emotional and physical energy and material resources15Everyone, including relatives, friends, society at large and the children themselves, especially adolescents, will have views on how well you are doingEvery parent has to create their own style of parenting to suit their particular children and family situation.With the availability of so much information and advice about parenting through new technology, different parenting styles have gained currency across the globe and selecting the right one for you and your teenager can be daunting, not least because it is easy to feel criticized by others when you don’t get things exactly right. In addition, cultural, social, religious, economic and political factors, which vary both within and between different countries, all play a part in the particular challenges that parents and their teenagers face. For example, in the West at this time mental health problems, obesity, drugs and alcohol are just a few of the highly publicized and debated issues that parents and teenagers face. In other parts of the world, conflict and war, the migration of large groups of people, poverty and famine all have a huge impact upon children’s and teenagers’ development and well-being, family structures and family and community life.
It is undoubtable that some parents’ challenges are much greater than others but there is no rating scale of difficulty with which to measure these, and different parents in even the worst conditions vary in how resilient, capable and proactive they can be in relation to caring for their 16children and enabling them to grow into independent and functional adults.
Media – influences and issues
Fifty years ago this section would have been much harder to fill. Now we live in a world that is so influenced by and reflective of ‘the media’ that it is hard to select and summarize the most important aspects and do the subject justice. If this is a topic with which you wish to engage in more depth, then I recommend a book by Strasburger et al. (2009), listed in the reference section.
You may find some of the ideas in Chapter 16, which focuses on helping with concerns about young people’s lifestyle choices and their behaviour surrounding these, useful.
The key aspects of teenagers’ lives influenced by media include:
Lifestyle choices and choices about how to spend leisure timeConsumer behaviourLearning about the world, i.e. social, political, physical, factual ideasLearning from teacher-directed curriculum-related materialOnline socializationRelationships and social behaviour, including sexual behaviour17
Dysfunctional and anti-social human behaviour, e.g. violence, conflict, war, self-harm, suicideMental health issuesBody image and physical healthCultureSpirituality.Think about yourself as a teenager and pick a couple of your favourite TV programmes or films from that time. What did you learn from them?
Working with involved adults and within the psychology profession, the concerns that I often hear regarding teenagers and media are:
Young people are spending an unhealthy amount of time and energy using phones, the internet, video games etc. at the expense of other more social and physical activitiesYoung people are overly influenced by the images and behaviour depicted in the media and this can result in them copying anti-social and/or dysfunctional aspects in their own lifestyle choices and taking unwise risksAdults feel unable to monitor and control the online content their young people are watching18Teenagers can make themselves vulnerable to sexually, politically and/or commercially predatory and exploitative individuals, groups and organizationsTeenagers’ use of new media can be harmful to their mental health and well-beingTeenagers’ use of new media can be harmful to their relationships, especially with family and older people who are relatively uninformed and uninvolved with the online worlds being accessed.The issues outlined above are commonly expressed by journalists and producers who ask for my professional comment and I have noticed that recently some other angles have been introduced. These include the issue that increasingly younger children are using new technology, that parents are using new technology as pacifiers/entertainment rather than actually interacting with their children and that young people are rejecting traditional reading and viewing material – books and television – in favour of what they can access online. There is definitely a climate of moral panic and even fear being expressed by adults and this therefore, ironically, adds more to the attraction of new media for teenagers, as it’s another opportunity for rebellion and area for questioning.
When thinking about how to manage teenagers’ seemingly excessive use of new media, an either/or approach, which involves banning or imposing strict curfews, can 19seem to be the easiest and clearest method. However, in my experience, this subject calls for more of an ‘and/both’ approach that allows the young person some choice and control in setting limits to their screen time. More than any other aspect of contemporary society, new media is almost certain to stay and to develop as it offers such an array of opportunities for information, entertainment and communication. Younger people in particular are embracing it enthusiastically so the care, guidance and support adults can give teenagers in using it in a way that supports their best interests and general well-being are needed more than ever. The relationships between parents and teenagers have developed over time, and the shared personal histories and sheer emotional investment and commitment mean that most young people know that the guidance parents give can be trusted and is not driven by commercial interests.
The law and teenagers
The age of majority: the age that children become adults, and are therefore responsible for their actions and decisions rather than the responsibility of their parents, varies across the world from as young as fifteen years to 21 years. However, in many countries young people who marry, regardless of chronological age, gain legally recognized adult status. This age of majority is not necessarily a reflection of the individual’s physical and mental maturity but it does set the limits in relation to their freedoms and actions.
20In the UK, from the age of sixteen to the age of 21, certain entitlements are made explicit in the law. These relate to a long list, including:
Relationship choices, including those of a sexual natureAccommodation – buying and renting property and moving out of the family home to live independentlyMarriageMedical treatment and choices – registering with a doctor, consent for dental, medical or surgical treatmentStudy – entering higher education, gaining access to educational recordsWork, for example joining the armed services, and earning the minimum wageBenefitsVotingJury serviceStanding for parliament, local councils or as mayorOpening a bank accountMaking a willPawning goodsGaining access to birth certificate if adoptedBuying and consuming tobacco and alcoholThe watching of select viewing materialBetting – playing the lottery or football poolsDriving, or becoming a driving instructorAdoption.21
