A Practical Guide to the Psychology of Relationships E-Book

John Karter

• Herausgeber: Icon Books
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Serie: Practical Guide Series
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 221

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2012

Beschreibung

Understanding psychological techniques can help you make your relationships happier and more fulfilling. This Practical Guide will help you achieve new and healthier ways of relating by explaining some of the major underlying psychological 'drivers' that permeate relationships and identify and work on these unconscious motivating factors to eliminate 'knee-jerk' reactions. Filled with straightforward, practical advice, case studies and examples, Introducing Psychology of Relationships will help you understand your relationship and make it more loving and mutually supportive, as well as be better equipped for entering into a new relationship.

Leseprobe

First published in the UK in 2012 by Icon Books Ltd, Omnibus Business Centre, 39–41 North Road, London N7 9DP email: [email protected]

This electronic edition published in the UK in 2012 by Icon Books Ltd

ISBN: 978-1-84831-360-6 (ePub format) ISBN: 978-1-84831-361-3 (Adobe eBook format)

Printed edition sold in the UK, Europe, South Africa and Asia by Faber & Faber Ltd, Bloomsbury House, 74–77 Great Russell Street, London WC1B 3DA or their agents

Printed edition distributed in the UK, Europe, South Africa and Asia by TBS Ltd, TBS Distribution Centre, Colchester Road, Frating Green, Colchester CO7 7DW

Printed edition published in Australia in 2012 by Allen & Unwin Pty Ltd, PO Box 8500, 83 Alexander Street, Crows Nest, NSW 2065

Printed edition distributed in Canada by Penguin Books Canada, 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3

Printed edition published in the USA in 2012 by Icon Books Inquiries to: Icon Books Ltd, Omnibus Business Centre, 39–41 North Road, London N7 9DP, UK

Printed edition distributed to the trade in the USA by Consortium Book Sales and Distribution The Keg House, 34 Thirteenth Avenue NE, Suite 101, Minneapolis, MN 55413-1007

Text copyright © 2012 John Karter

The author has asserted his moral rights.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, or by any means, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

Typeset in Avenir by Marie Doherty

About the author

John Karter is a UKCP registered psychotherapist in private practice. He has worked as a therapist in various settings, including GamCare, the national association for gambling care; a child, adolescent and family unit of the NHS; and secondary and further education. He has been a tutor in psychotherapy and counselling at Regent’s College School of Psychotherapy and Counselling Psychology and Richmond upon Thames College. He is the author of On Training To Be A Therapist (Open University Press), which is used as a standard textbook on training courses. John has been a writer for The Sunday Times, The Times and The Independent, and is also the author of a novella entitled The Profit (Roastbooks).

Acknowledgements

Sincere thanks to Susi Noble and Katerina Dimakopoulou for reading through the manuscript and making invaluable comments and suggestions. I am also grateful to Duncan Heath, Harry Scoble and everyone else at Icon Books for their professionalism and support in bringing this book from basic manuscript to finished article.

Author’s note

It’s important to note that there is much frequently-used research employed in the psychology of relationships.

Where I know the source I have been sure to reference it, but my apologies here to the originators of any material if I have overlooked them.

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

About the author

Acknowledgements

Author’s note

Introduction

1: Knowing your needs

2: A game of two halves

3: All by myself

4: Growing together, apart

5: All change, please

6: Are you receiving me?

7: The self-esteem factor

8: The meaning of conflict

9: Crazy for you

10: The parent trap

11: Why opposites rarely attract

12: Knowing me, knowing you

13: The myth of sex

14: Forsaking all others?

15: The mystery of love

Conclusions

Resources

Index

Introduction

Grow old with me! The best is yet to be.

Robert Browning

This is not another book about love or how to find love; there are more than enough of those out there already. My aim is to help you to understand your relationships and to achieve new and healthier ways of relating by explaining some of the major underlying psychological principles and ‘drivers’ that lead us to think and behave in certain ways with our spouses or partners. Identifying and working on these motivating factors will help to eliminate ‘knee-jerk’ reactions and will nourish and sustain the relationship instead of allowing it to plod along and deteriorate by default.

Working as a psychotherapist, I encounter the full range of psychological drama and complexity through the stories clients tell me about their lives. Yet, no matter how often I peer into the kaleidoscope of passion, joy, sorrow, and the whole range of emotions that constitute what it means to be human, I am still surprised by the widespread misconceptions that people hold about major life issues.

High on the list of these beliefs are the expectations people have of their relationships. For the purposes of this book I am referring to love/romantic relationships between adults, both heterosexual and same-sex; although some of the principles in this book can be applied to relationships generally.

Most readers will, I’m sure, be familiar with the adage ‘Who ever said life was meant to be easy?’ which, despite its intrinsic flippancy, contains a fundamental truth. For many, there is an assumption that success and happiness should be handed to us on a silver platter; that those states of being are, if you like, an inherent and inalienable part of our birthright. In the case of relationships, there is often an expectation that these ‘love partnerships’ should not only provide a permanent state of bliss but alleviate all the difficulties of living as well.

It’s natural and healthy to dream of finding someone with whom we can enjoy a joyful, nurturing, fulfilling relationship. However, when we buy into the widespread idea that harmony and mutual fulfilment happen automatically as a result of meeting the ‘right’ person, an important factor is missed, or dismissed. Meaningful, lasting relationships are incredibly complex, multi-faceted psychological structures that are not built in a day and do not happen purely by accident.

That is certainly not intended to offer a negative take on what can be the most sublime and uplifting of all human experiences; rather it flags up a key principle of this book, namely that the more you put into relationships, both in terms of effort and understanding, the more you get out of them.

Like so many things in life, the index of success in relationships almost invariably correlates with the amount of sustained attention, effort and, occasionally, self-sacrifice that each partner is prepared to bring to it. In this context, I am reminded of Gary Player’s response when asked for the secret of his phenomenal success as a champion golfer: ‘The harder I practise the luckier I get.’ Other qualities such as caring, nurturing, giving, and, of course, genuine loving, play a huge part as well but these do not preclude the need for working at a relationship to ensure its continued stability and growth.

A relationship that is taken for granted, not worked at to some degree, or where either partner (or both) does not respect the other as a person, downplays or dismisses their needs, makes no attempt at meaningful communication, and does not honour certain boundaries of behaviour, will almost invariably wither and eventually die.

This is where the psychological basis of a relationship kicks in, which means, paradoxically, that working at it is often not enough in itself. Given those complicated and often delicate underpinnings – which are usually out of our awareness or in our ‘unconscious’, to use the psychological term – focusing on the ‘visible’ issues, such as better communication, acceptance of the other person’s human failings, and learning to deal with change, needs to be supplemented by an understanding of what is really going on beneath the surface of the dialogue and interactions.

The more you are able to gain insight into the hidden agendas, feelings and unspoken communications, and uncover what is really happening between the two of you, the better placed you will be to deal with conflict, change negative and destructive patterns of relating that eat away at the fabric of the relationship, and bring those vital qualities of mutual nurture, respect and genuine love into play.

When couples are suddenly able to see what lies beneath their ‘locked-in’ behaviour patterns it can mark a turning point in their relationship. And often it is something relatively simple in psychological terms that goes unrecognized, simply because the individuals concerned have not been made aware of it. That was the case with Bill and Angie, who came to see me because they were caught up in a seemingly endless cycle of arguing and recrimination, which had descended to the level of increasingly bitter personal attacks.

After listening to them both putting their own side of the story, I asked them if my perception that neither was prepared to back down in any way was true. Rather sheepishly, they agreed that was the case. When I suggested to them that pride was the basis for their stubborn refusal to give ground, and explained that this was linked to a perceived loss of self-esteem, or loss of face, it was as if a veil had been lifted from their eyes.

In the next session they told me that things had already taken a turn for the better because every time an argument began to kick in they had been able to step back and acknowledge their own feelings of vulnerability, and, most importantly, listen to what the other was trying to communicate instead of hitting back. Relationship issues do not usually resolve themselves quite so easily, but in this case a simple insight had sparked a sea change in their way of relating to each other.

If you are struggling to understand why your dreams of emotional harmony and sexual ecstasy are crumbling before your eyes; why he or she is proving to be anything but the model of loving kindness you expected them to be; or why you have descended into a living hell of rowing and resentment, my hope is that the following chapters will help you find a way to step back, see things from a new perspective and begin to move forward in a more positive direction, as in the example of Bill and Angie above.

On the other hand, perhaps you are simply seeking to gain more insight into your relationship, to see how it functions on different levels, and make it more loving and rewarding than it already is. Or maybe you are keen to understand relationships in general and so be better equipped for entering into one when you are ready. In either case the principles and practical pointers in this book are also designed to put you on a sound footing for achieving those goals.

The celebrated American author James Thurber once said: ‘A lady of 47 who has been married 27 years and has six children knows what love really is and once described it for me like this: “Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.”’

It is my hope that the following pages will make the ‘going through’ a more joyful, more fulfilling experience.

John Karter

1. Knowing your needs

One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night.

Margaret Mead

We can’t choose our parents but we can choose our partners, to paraphrase the well-known saying. However, when we enter into a relationship with someone, the ‘choosing’ is not as straightforward as it seems on a surface level, because it is usually underpinned by a multi-layered mix of emotional, psychological and biological factors going on behind the scenes.

Leaving aside those hidden agendas for the moment, the primary motivation for seeking a relationship is to fulfil a need, or in most cases a combination of needs. The list of relationship needs is as long as it is diverse, and the level and scope of an individual’s needs is as unique as a fingerprint.

Here, in no particular order, are some of the principal needs that drive relationships (the list is by no means exhaustive):

Giving and receiving love/affection/intimacy

Curing loneliness

Companionship

Security

Having children

Sexual fulfilment

Complying with pressure from society/parents/media

Validation of self

Power and control

Personal growth

• Make a list of the needs you had when you entered into your current or most recent relationship. Try to be as honest as you can with yourself.

• How many of those needs have been met either in full or in part?

• How many of them have not been met at all?

• During the course of the relationship, have you recognized new needs and/or discarded some of the original ones?

• What do you think your partner’s needs were/are? Do you think he/she feels those needs have been met?

If your answers to the above surprise you, remember that most of us enter into a relationship spontaneously, without considering why we are really doing it, and, more importantly, what we need from it. People are either driven by nature and instinct, for example the fundamental biological need to reproduce, or are led by their heart rather than their head.

Taking the heart route is human and exciting, but it does leave us open to the very real possibility of falling into something that is more about what we want than what we need. Most of us are so focused on what we expect to get, based on romantic ideals, cultural norms and media propaganda, that the qualities, standards, values and emotional input we actually need to be happy and fulfilled within a relationship are ignored.

Emerging from the honeymoon phase

During the honeymoon phase, by which I mean not the week or two-week long getaway following the wedding, but the early stages of a relationship when everything is new and exciting, both partners’ needs can happily lie dormant. The experience of being together in the bubble of exclusivity they have created around themselves is enough.

However, that high inevitably begins to wane as reality sets in. The individuals concerned begin to emerge from what feels like a period of complete mental and physical merging, or ‘the Velcro phase’, as the comedian Lenny Henry memorably described it. When that happens, couples begin to become aware of their individual needs, and this will begin to impact the relationship in a positive or negative way, depending on how it is handled.

Dealing with the day-to-day business of being with someone, who, in some respects, you may not know in any real depth, is when the real test of that relationship begins. I would say that in almost all cases people bring needs into their relationships that have not been communicated to the other person. This in turn conjures up unspoken expectations of their partner, and assumptions about the relationship itself and how it is going to be, a situation that provides an instant recipe for conflict.

To complicate matters, many of these needs are unconscious and have therefore not been recognized or thought about by the one who has them. Some of these unconscious needs may relate to unresolved childhood matters, such as ‘unfinished business’ with a parent, or emotional wounds sustained during an individual’s early years, which they carry into adult relationships.

Neglectful approach to a life-changing event

For example, a fairly common scenario would be for one partner to enter into a relationship with a need for stability, security and having children, but contained within those primary needs there might be subsidiary or unconscious needs. These could relate to issues such as low self-esteem and shame, which originated in childhood. In many cases these needs are not talked about in any meaningful way, or not even mentioned at all, which, compared to the way we proceed in other areas of our lives, is an extraordinarily neglectful approach to a major event that is life-changing and significant on many levels.

If you want to buy a car, computer or television set, you make a list of the features you want that car, computer or TV to have; then you communicate those features to the salesperson. If you went into a store and said ‘I’d like a computer, please’, and left it at that, not only would you almost certainly end up with an item that lacked many of the essentials you desired, you would also get a very strange look from the salesperson! Yet that kind of casual, non-specific attitude is exactly how we regularly embark on relationships.

Unconscious needs are a different matter because these are out of awareness and until they have been consciously acknowledged they cannot be talked about or dealt with. And, as we shall see in the following chapter, if an individual seeks out a partner to ‘fix’ them – that is to say, in order to compensate for the emotional difficulties that he or she is experiencing – that is not a healthy way of relating.

Jenny

Jenny presented a classic example of unspoken, unmet needs. She came to see me suffering from a low-level ‘background’ depression which allowed her to function on a day-to-day level but robbed her of any hope of real happiness and fulfilment. She did not know why she felt that way or how she could begin to change things around. It transpired that Jenny was the classic ‘doormat’, submitting herself totally to her husband’s needs, which included having sex every night without exception, and keeping the house spotless and the children quiet at all times.

Her own needs for affection, respect and validation as a worthwhile human being, wife and mother were totally dismissed by her husband. She went along with this unhappy situation partly because she was scared of him, but also because no one had told her that needs are like seeds – they need to be nurtured or they will wither and die. And that, as Jenny realized when I pointed it out to her, is a major cause of depression and lack of fulfilment, as well as relationship breakdown.

Sadly, Jenny had an ingrained belief that her life was destined to be like that, based on her experiences of being emotionally neglected and abused by her father (and, to a certain extent, her mother) as a child. Her ‘life script’ told her that her needs were unimportant compared to those of her family, and that any attempt to get those personal needs met was being self-indulgent and uncaring, a view that was reinforced by her husband’s bullying, selfish behaviour towards her.

Because of this, my work with Jenny focused on helping her to gain insight into the way she ‘set up’ situations to maintain her life script. Eventually she was able to see that she had unconsciously chosen her husband because he reminded her of her uncaring, abusive father. This was a classic example of ‘transference’ (a concept dealt with in more detail later in this book), whereby an experience from the past is ‘transferred’ to the present.

The ideal of love

There is not sufficient space in this book to go through the various relationship needs in detail, although many of them will be touched on in some form in other chapters. Research shows that love, security and having children, regularly top the charts, with love being offered as the number one response to most questionnaires on the subject.

Love, which is the subject of the final chapter, is a very human and laudable need to have and to pursue in a relationship, but how often do we stop and think what we really mean when we use the word ‘love’? In other words, what need or needs lie beneath this emotive four-letter word used so freely in adult interactions? Rather than delving into that question, many people carry around a vague, romantic ideal of love as portrayed by Keats:

I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion –

I have shudder’d at it.

I shudder no more.

I could be martyr’d for my religion

Love is my religion

And I could die for that.

I could die for you.

In the final analysis, love is just a word and it can mean many different things to different people. Words are essentially symbolic; they are, if you like, verbal signposts to the actions, things, thoughts and emotions they stand for. So, in the majority of cases, ‘love’ is the surface need and might represent only one element of a person’s overall needs, or might not be the real need at all.

When we talk of needing ‘love’, we might mean understanding, companionship, intimacy, sex, validation, or a combination of those and other needs as well. That is why it is so vital to try to uncover what lies beneath the surface by making yourself aware of your own areas of need (as in the exercise on here), including your aspirations, dreams, psychological problem areas, and also the values and standards that are important to you.

By doing this you will play your part in placing the relationship on a healthy footing from the start. It is almost a truism to say that if your needs are met you will be happier and more fulfilled and therefore more able to cater for your partner’s needs. A word of caution, though: sometimes we give to our partners what we need in the mistaken belief that this is what they need too.

Beware of gender myths

Much has been written about the differing needs of men and women, and it is undoubtedly true that, to a certain extent, gender dictates what we need to make us happy in a relationship. In particular, it is fair to say that men and women are ‘wired’ differently in terms of emotional responses. It can also be said that men tend to build their sense of self primarily around their careers and achievements; whereas women do this more through their relationships with partners and family. However, with the traditional roles of the sexes being blurred more and more, this is no longer as valid as it might once have been.

In my opinion, too much has been made of the apparently unbridgeable gulf between the sexes, to a point where men and women are portrayed as verging on different species. This is exemplified in the bestselling book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, where the author lists the different ‘primary love needs’ of men and women as follows:

Women: caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, reassurance

Men: trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, encouragement.

I would say that all these needs are interchangeable: to a greater or lesser degree, women need the qualities on the men’s list and vice-versa. People’s needs are based on their individual emotional make-up and personality and are not simply products of their gender, even though gender does have some influence.

Going along with these ‘great divides’ simply prolongs stereotyping that brings about self-fulfilling prophecies; in other words people behave in ways they are traditionally expected to behave according to the gender myths. So when Hollywood actress Sharon Stone says: ‘Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship’ it might be perceived as humorous, but it simply reinforces those tired old stereotypes and does nothing to help women – or men – understand their partners; quite the opposite in fact.

The effect of time

Another key factor to be aware of in understanding relationship needs is that they invariably change over time. So, for example, the need for sex can diminish as we age – though not necessarily and not as completely as some people would have us believe! Sexual needs can be replaced or complemented by the need for affection and companionship. Similarly, the need for security and validation can also diminish if we begin to feel more fulfilled and confident in ourselves and/or within our relationship.

But perhaps the most important thing to acknowledge when contemplating your own needs is your absolute right to have them, and to have them met to at least a reasonable extent. Human needs, especially psychological and emotional ones, have all too frequently received a bad press; there is a widespread misconception that they are a sign of being weak, psychologically flawed or overly demanding, so we hear of people being talked of in a derogatory way as ‘needy’.

If your partner is constantly demanding attention and nothing you do appears to satisfy their demands, this is cause for concern and might well indicate a deep-seated psychological issue that would benefit from professional help, such as counselling. However, adopting a stance where one’s own needs are all that matter, to the detriment or dismissal of your partner’s, is vastly different to simply seeking to receive what you need in fundamental terms in order to be happy within a relationship.

So, when another Hollywood actress, Audrey Hepburn, said: ‘I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it’ there are two ways of looking at her apparent self-criticism. If her need to receive and give affection was all–consuming and ‘blind’ it would clearly impact negatively on any relationship.

However, if Hepburn was merely highlighting the fact that mutual affection was an important, non-negotiable element of a relationship for her, then that was simply being human as well as practical. When we examine the factors that make for a healthy and viable relationship, understanding the difference between those two states of mind is paramount.

In the next chapter we will examine a major need that has not been mentioned so far, one that is often seen as the principal motivation for a relationship, namely seeking someone who will ‘complete’ us.

• Make a conscious effort to recognize your needs and communicate them to your partner early on in the relationship.

• Be realistic in your expectations; no one can fulfil their partner’s needs completely and continually.

• People’s needs vary, so try to allow for the fact that you and your partner’s needs will be different.

• Remember that discussion and compromise are the key when one partner feels their needs are not being met.

Needs are human and crucially important; if they remain unspoken and unmet they can become one of the most corrosive aspects of a relationship.

2. A game of two halves

I complete me. I just got lucky that, after I completed myself, I met someone who could tolerate me.

Sandra Bullock

Most people entering a relationship hope that it will provide an environment of love, security and validation – a space where they can feel respected and special, and so build a platform from which to face the world and grow as a person. That is certainly not an unreasonable aspiration to have, provided it is seen as a mutual undertaking in which the two people concerned are both responsible for creating the state of nurture and happiness.