A Practical Guide to Well-being E-Book

Patricia Furness-Smith

• Herausgeber: Icon Books
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Serie: Practical Guide Series
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 217

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2015

Beschreibung

This book is full of expert, practical advice which teaches you to use the latest scientific knowledge to achieve a healthy state of mind and body. BECOME MORE ENERGIZED by adopting quality sleep patterns. OPTIMIZE MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH by harnessing your natural ability to heal. ACHIEVE CALM by learning to manage your stress levels. DISCOVER HAPPINESS AND FULFILLMENT by investing in yourself and others.

Leseprobe

Published in the UK and USA in 2015 by Icon Books Ltd, Omnibus Business Centre,

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London N7 9DP email: [email protected]

Sold in the UK, Europe and Asia by Faber & Faber Ltd,

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ISBN: 978-184831-796-3

Text copyright © 2015 Patricia Furness-Smith

The author has asserted her moral rights.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, or by any means, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

Typeset in Avenir by Marie Doherty

Printed and bound in the UK by Clays Ltd, St Ives plc

About the author

Patricia Furness-Smith is a psychologist and accredited practitioner with 25 years of experience in clinical practice. She has lectured and trained in psychology, psychotherapy and psychopathology for a wide variety of institutions. She is a Fellow of the Chartered Institution of Educational Assessors (CIEA), a Fellow of the Institute for Learning (IfL) and a Fellow of the National Counselling Society (NCS). In addition, she is a member of the British Association for the Person-Centred Approach (BAPCA) and the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP).

As well as running her own private practice, she is a clinical supervisor, moderator, examiner, reviewer, validator, magistrate, freelance writer and consultant on British Airways’ ‘Flying with Confidence’ courses. She is the co-author of Flying with Confidence: The Proven Programme to Fix your Flying Fears and sole author of the guided relaxation CD of the same title. Her particular specialisms are in relationships, eating disorders and phobias. She has recently published Introducing Overcoming Phobias: A Practical Guide and Introducing Overcoming Problem Eating: A Practical Guide.

She enjoys an international reputation as a specialist in hodophobia (the fear of travelling). She is often quoted in the media and has appeared in national and foreign newspapers and magazines and on radio, television and social media sites.

Author’s note

It’s important to note that there is much frequently used research within the various fields under discussion in this book. Where I am able to cite the source I have done so, but my sincere apologies to the originators of any material if I have overlooked them within this book.

Furthermore, in order to respect client privacy and anonymity within the case studies described, I have formed composite characters by scrambling personal details and changing names.

In addition, if you have any medical condition, it is always important to check with your GP whether the various exercises described within this book are appropriate for you.

Dedication

The most beautiful soul I ever met.

Alex Carington

This book is dedicated to Buffy, an individual of such singular inner beauty and loveliness that even the brightest celestial body in our firmament is eclipsed by her sheer brilliance.

May we aspire to follow her example and be ready to live with an open and loyal heart, acknowledging that our greatest treasures are not what we possess but our loving relationships with one another, be they family, friends or even strangers.

Let us be willing to be moved by the simple things in life, such as the foolish antics of a puppy chasing its tail, sitting with dear friends around a campfire or relishing the smell of newly baked chocolate croissants, just begging to be eaten.

If we can imbibe her innate wisdom by truly recognizing the meaning of life, that is, embracing every opportunity offered with fearlessness, optimism and humour, we can learn to be vibrantly alive. To Buffy every day was a special day; living in the moment was her trademark.

Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand – and melting like a snowflake.

Sir Francis Bacon

Buffy’s example has been a lesson to so many – that the secret of fulfilment and positive well-being is to be steadfastly true to oneself, never sheltering behind guises or needing endorsement from others. This she did with effortless grace, authenticity and integrity – never marching to anyone else’s drum, no matter what the consequences.

In short, Buffy comprehended the meaning of contentment by being grateful for both the minutiae and the epic moments of life. Her inimitable brand of obstinate optimism put even Pollyanna in the shade. No smile, laughter, friend, challenge or experience was wasted upon her. To Buffy, life was a big adventure, which she sprinted out to meet, embracing it with arms wide open. As William Wallace so poignantly and tragically observed: ‘Every man dies, not every man really lives.’ This charge could never be levied at Buffy, who from a tender age had mastered the art of living. I stand in awe of her insight, loveliness and energy and am totally humbled and grateful for all the love and inspiration she gave so unstintingly.

She walked the talk, which you will find within these pages, and left in her wake a trail of love, joy and happiness. She also personified the expression ‘a sight for sore eyes’, since just a glimpse of her infectious smile made even the most dispirited and disaffected among us feel restored, invigorated and hopeful.

Buffy’s favourite saying and the code by which she lived was:

It’s not the years in your life that count but the life in your years.

How utterly privileged I am, that you are my daughter.

Contents

Preface

PART ONE: Understanding well-being

1. What is well-being?

2. Eudaemonic and hedonic well-being

3. The person-centred approach (PCA)

4. Human givens approach (HGA)

5. The nervous system and vagus nerve

PART TWO: Wakefulness and well-being

6. Building a healthy approach to life

7. Exercise and fitness

8. Eating well

9. Relaxation

PART THREE: Well-being and sleep

10. What is sleep and why do we do it?

11. Practical advice to improve sleep

12. Sleep problems and treatments

13. Insomnia

Final word

Useful contacts

Acknowledgements

Index

Preface

We live longer than our forefathers, but we suffer more from a thousand artificial anxieties and cares. They fatigued only the muscles; we exhaust the finer strength of the nerves.

Edward George Bulwer-Lytton

For the past 25 years I have worked with numerous clients who have suffered from a wide range of issues, which have caused them untold distress. My experience has taught me that regardless of the affliction, for example depression or alcoholism, the disease, dysfunction, dissonance, disconnection – call it what you will – is merely a manifestation of something that is not working within their life, resulting in a sense of negative well-being. So I am delighted to be writing this book, which provides the antidote to becoming a candidate for such suffering. It is a little known fact that your sense of well-being is largely in your own hands. This book will help you not only to recognize this reality but will also provide you with the necessary tools to maximize your potential, enabling you to achieve positive well-being, a vital component of a contented and fulfilled life.

So if you wish to augment your state of positive well-being, improve your physical health and increase your resilience to falling prey to mental illness, then this is the book for you. Few of us have been left unscathed by the impact of poor physical or mental health, be it via personal

experience or knowing someone close to us who has suffered from either, or both, of these types of health concerns.

Today we have seen a tremendous escalation in both mental and physical ill health throughout world populations. The higher incidence in mental health disorders is partly attributable to greater public awareness, which has encouraged people to come forward to seek help for their anxiety or depression rather than suffering in silence.

However, there is no doubt that mental ill health is afflicting increasingly younger people, whether it be manifested through addictions, eating disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder or phobias, to mention but a few of the many ways people experience mental illnesses. At the other end of the spectrum there is clear evidence that dementia and depression are becoming more widespread, and this is not entirely down to the fact that people are living longer.

Equally, despite huge advances in medical knowledge, major physical illnesses (such as cancers, heart disease and diabetes) continue to proliferate, be they caused by pollution, eating habits, alcohol abuse, too much stress, inadequate sleep or something else. We can no longer be blind to ‘the writing on the wall’ and must take steps to secure our own positive well-being by being pro-active in this quest.

Perhaps the most sobering indicator of our levels of well-being can be gleaned from the ever-increasing number of suicides and attempted suicides across the globe. To elect to end one’s life provides the ultimate barometer of negative well-being in the vast majority of cases. I say that this only applies to the majority and not all people who fall in to this category, since some of the incidences would actually qualify for ‘assisted suicide’ (or ‘self-deliverance’) were this option available to them. By this I am referring to those who make a conscious, measured decision to end their life since they do not wish to suffer the indignity and pain of a degenerative disease, for example.

Suicide in many countries was previously partially held in check because it had been seen as a criminal act, which would have an impact on both suicide attempt survivors and the families of those who had been successful. Also secularization has dented the influence of the church and its religious condemnation (and consequent stigmatization) of such acts.

As a marker of dissatisfaction with life, we can see its close link with diminishing levels of positive well-being. However, disconcerting statistics on suicide provide us with clues to the essential ingredients required for positive well-being: namely the sense of having control over our existence, belonging and connectivity with others via family and friendship networks; the opportunity to contribute meaningfully towards life; and the ability to fulfil our dreams and potential. Nobody sails through life without problems and difficulties, but we can certainly learn how to mitigate the damage and not only survive but live our lives to the full. In this book I will show you how.

How is the book organized?

The book is divided into three sections. The first part discusses why we should address our level of positive well-being and the other two parts explain how to achieve this goal. I recommend that part 1 is read first since this will explain to you the incredible power you possess in being able to influence your own and others’ positive well-being. The other two parts and their individual chapters can be dipped in to in any order of preference, depending upon your area of interest.

Part 1 explores the meaning of well-being and the various influences which have an effect on well-being. It also briefly considers two psychological approaches, which I have found very useful in establishing positive well-being on a firm footing within my client work. I then discuss important aspects of our own biology, which enable us to increase our positive well-being by looking at the role played by our nervous system.

Part 2 consists of tips, techniques and practical exercises that can be used to improve our positive well-being during what takes up roughly two thirds of our life, that is, the time that we are awake. This covers topics such as eating, exercising, relaxation and attitudes.

Part 3 considers the importance of the remaining third of our life, which ideally is spent sleeping. I have dedicated an entire section to sleep, since if we manage to get this notional eight hours of our day right, it will largely dictate how successfully we can manage the other sixteen hours.

Who is this book for?

This book is intended for a wide readership, encompassing all those who have suffered from negative well-being across the spectrum to those who wish to continue to enjoy their current levels of positive well-being, as ‘prevention is better than cure’. In short, every one of us can benefit from consciously considering the many factors that play their part in enabling us to live our lives to the full.

The ancient founder of philosophical Taoism was ahead of the game in knowing the vital ingredients of positive well-being. It is sobering to recognize how far we have strayed over the past two-and-a-half millennia from this utterly inspirational advice as we hustle and bustle through our everyday lives.

In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don’t try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.

Lao Tzu

PART ONE:Understanding well-being

1. What is well-being?

What do we mean by well-being?

The phrase, ‘state of well-being’ is often bandied about, but what do we actually mean by this expression? It is a rather nebulous phrase, which many interpret as synonymous with welfare or level of happiness, state of physical or mental health or degree of satisfaction with life.

Perhaps the above factors do form part of what we mean by this term, but not necessarily so. For example, let us speculate upon Andrea Bocelli, the renowned Italian tenor who became blind at the age of twelve. Must his level of positive well-being be significantly compromised as a consequence of his physical infirmity? There is every possibility that Bocelli might enjoy a very high level of positive well-being despite his lack of sight, since estimation of one’s well-being is a highly subjective phenomenon.

As the author Antoine de Saint-Exupéry perspicaciously implies in a 1943 story entitled, Le Petit Prince, it is what we think of ourselves that counts and determines our state of well-being. However, what we think of ourselves, for good or ill, can be greatly influenced by what others think of us:

I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself.

Objective measures of well-being

Yes, we can attempt to measure welfare or well-being in accordance with objective measures, such as where a person may be located on various scales (be they economic, social, psychological, physical or even spiritual), but none of these actually captures the reality of well-being as experienced by the individual.

In my practice I have met many people who ostensibly have no business not to enjoy high levels of positive well-being, having wealth, status, good health, loving relationships, interesting careers and so much more. And yet, these individuals come to me suffering from depression, anger, addictions, eating disorders and anxiety, to name but a few of the mental health afflictions which I treat. Clearly, objective measures alone do not provide an accurate assessment for an individual’s state of well-being.

Positive well-being is about meeting our expectations

It is abundantly obvious that being adequately fed, watered, housed and exercised, along with being gainfully employed and well-educated and enjoying excellent physical health, are all components that facilitate positive well-being, but they are far from the whole story.

Well-being is primarily concerned with the degree to which our expectations, dreams and aspirations are met, and these are totally unique to each individual. Many of our attitudes are a direct result of our ‘nurturing’ and this, along with our own aptitudes and personality – our ‘nature’ – mingle together to form ideals of what success looks like for each of us.

Culture influences our sense of well-being

Depending upon our cultural heritage we might favour a collective or individualistic approach to life (or maybe a combination of the two), and this will colour our estimation of personal well-being. In a strictly collectivist society, blending into the group and not drawing attention to oneself generates feelings of acceptance, belonging and comfort. Even if the price paid is conceding to a high degree of conformity to group expectations, this will still work towards affording a sense of positive well-being for the majority who have been socialized in this manner. (The subjective experience of well-being is explained further in chapter 2; see p. 22.)

We are not all equally malleable in conforming to society’s conventions

However, there are mavericks in every society, where the personal imperative outstrips that of the social; these highly autonomous individuals buck the trend and follow their own course of action, often at their peril. Not to follow their own star would lead to considerable inner conflict and result in a state of negative well-being. Many of this ilk find themselves ‘damned if they do and damned if they don’t’ in subscribing to normative behaviour.

These people, by not conforming, invite society’s disapproval or, by conceding to society’s expectations, they feel that they have not been true to themselves and experience dissonance. Dissonance is a state of mental conflict when you experience contradictory emotions and beliefs. In the not-too-distant past, working women who wished to pursue their career after having children faced this dilemma. Similarly, the converse was true for stay-at-home fathers who flouted society’s expectation that the male should be the chief breadwinner.

Society’s sanctions

A more up-to-date example are the brave men and women in the public arena who openly state their homosexuality. Openly gay politicians and sports personalities are a relatively recent phenomenon. Unfortunately, there are still some countries in which homosexuality is considered a criminal offence. To openly express anything other than a heterosexual disposition runs the risk of penalties such as imprisonment or even death. This can engender severe negative well-being for those who have to suppress an intrinsic part of their personal identity.

Think of a situation where you have been part of a group and acquiesced to comments or behaviour of which you disapproved and then bitterly resented the fact that you didn’t have the courage to speak up and express your true view. How did this impact your state of well-being?

Conversely, think of a situation where you did speak out and experienced the group’s censure and condemnation. How did this impact your state of well-being?

Individualistic society

In fiercely individualistic societies, being indistinguishable from the pack tends to promote negative well-being, since leadership, power and talent differentiate an individual from the herd, attracting kudos and admiration. Individualistic socialization demands that we stand out from the crowd if we are to feel good about ourselves and enjoy enhanced positive well-being. This pressure can be seen in cultures that emphasize educational attainment, and prestigious institutions can foster individualism to even higher degrees, if you pardon the pun.

Collectivist versus individualistic

The powerful impact of nurturing and socialization, resulting in the inculcation of society’s expectations, mores and values can be seen in the contrast between collectivist and individualistic societies. Public shame has a far greater negative impact on well-being in Japan, a collectivist society, than it has in contemporary Europe, which favours a more individualistic approach. One only has to look at the number of disgraced European bankers or politicians who have bounced back into public life, subsequent to their humiliation and ruination. In contrast, a number of Japanese prime ministers and business leaders have accepted personal responsibility for their government’s or organization’s shortcomings in the last decade, often resigning their positions. Today, in European society, people tolerate a variety of responses. Some applaud the manifestations of honour and integrity which resignation signals, while others praise the resilience of those who insist upon remaining in post.

The important thing to keep in mind is that societal attitudes are constantly changing and evolving, yet many people can get stuck in a time warp and hold on to childhood perceptions about themselves and feelings, such as shame, which negatively impact their well-being. It is advisable to constantly reassess your perceptions of experience and work out if the view you are holding is in line with your current values and beliefs. Often when you go through this process you will recognize that you are carrying parental, peer or societal attitudes that are not in tune with your own moral compass, and which therefore need to be updated.

In my role as a trainer, I frequently encounter people who have little belief in their academic ability, based on negative experiences that happened when they were young. For example, educators today are far more enlightened and recognize dyslexia as a condition that in no way reflects a lack of academic ability. Similarly, today’s children who are left-handed are no longer compelled to go against their natural disposition and forced to learn to write with their right hand, which in the past hindered both their development and confidence levels. There are numerous examples of the fluidity of societal attitudes in recent years with regard to illegitimacy, regional accents, ageing and bisexuality, to name but a few; however people frequently fail to update their inner tapes acquired from childhood.

Remember that unchallenged historical perceptions become carved in stone and can have a detrimental impact on your well-being. What unfounded limiting beliefs are you currently holding on to, which if revised would enable you to find greater fulfilment?

2. Eudaemonic and hedonic well-being

An important component which feeds into our level of well-being is the way in which the prevailing culture emphasizes the importance of hedonism or eudaemonism. Hedonism is the lifestyle we associate with the Epicureans or modern stockbrokers, whereas eudaemonism is favoured by the Quakers and philanthropists. Looking at these terms in a very simplistic way, we associate hedonism with behaviours such as indulging in lavish meals or shopping sprees and eudaemonism with championing worthy causes and performing ‘good works’. Of course, ranges of possibilities lie in between these two purist positions, and most developed societies advocate a combination of the two, encapsulated in the saying ‘all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy’. This, of course, ties in with the discussion in chapter 1 about meeting the expectations of society.

Eudaemonic well-being is derived from the feelings of satisfaction that we enjoy as a result of being able to contribute in a meaningful way in life. This endows us with a sense of usefulness and purpose. It is often achieved through ‘transcendence’, whereby we virtuously devote ourselves to others or a cause, rather than focusing on our own immediate desires and sensual pleasures.

Hedonic well-being is often seen as a more self-centred route to well-being, in which we indulge in pursuits that give us personal satisfaction. ‘Hedonist’ can be a pejorative term denoting a character who is consumed with the desire to indulge bodily pleasures to excess.

It may appear that one form of well-being is intrinsically selfish while the other is inherently altruistic, but this is not the case. My own view is that both avenues are important to achieving an overall positive sense of well-being. Humans are complex creatures and positive well-being is derived from embracing our entire being in all its superficiality and depth.

Try to identify when you feel good about yourself. What activity are you engaged in when you feel good about yourself, and what other emotions do you experience? What is the combination of hedonic and eudaemonic fulfilment that suits you best? Depending on your disposition and cultural heritage, too much of one or the other can elicit either guilt or joylessness. If you do feel guilty or unhappy about yourself, seek out a balance of eudaemonic and hedonic experiences that suit your natural disposition and expectations to achieve maximum positive well-being.

Combined route to positive well-being

Holidays and sensory treats, such as consuming a delicious meal or smoking a fine cigar (hedonic fulfilment), tend to be more enjoyable when we feel that we deserve these pleasures. By virtue of our achievements through hard work within a meaningful career (eudaemonic fulfilment), we earn the right to spoil ourselves from time to time and feel justified in doing so. Thus, we can see that for some people a mixture of hedonic and eudaemonic behaviours can blend perfectly to create positive well-being. Other people have a naturally more altruistic nature or have been socialized to place more emphasis on altruism. We could hypothesize that the child of a vicar might be brought up to place more emphasis on eudaemonic fulfilment whereas a pop star’s child might be exposed to a more hedonistic lifestyle. So, like everything else in life, the blend of nature and nurture is unique to each individual, and we can only apply generalizations to populations. If we look at prominent individuals we can readily identify that North Korea’s supreme leader Kim Jong-un and former South African president Nelson Mandela demonstrated quite polarized positions rather than a blended approach.

During the Second World War, against a backdrop of intense uncertainty about the future, both hedonistic and eudaemonic behaviour became culturally endorsed in the West. Many survivors of the war claimed that it was a time in their life that they felt exquisitely alive. Since each day might have been their last, they lived intensely in the moment. Hedonic happiness was literally snatched from the jaws of death, leading to an escalation of sexually permissive behaviour, drinking and smoking. At the same time, eudaemonic behaviour also peaked. Individuals gained a sense of meaning and purpose and, in turn, positive well-being by fighting for their country and freedom.