Half the World Away From Home E-Book

Lisa Krämer

• Herausgeber: novum premium Verlag
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2022

Seitenzahl: 545

Beschreibung

You don't need to tell Olivia Jones that running away from her problems will not solve them. That is exactly what she does when she moves into her own apartment in London as far away from her father as possible. She has lost her mother the centre of her world who has been murdered and Olivia does not know why. She desperately needs an answer but her father won't give her the answer she needs. Bumping accidently into Jacob she is invited to join the band when he realises she is a musician. She meets the handsome Ethan the leader of their band. It is not long before she opens her heart and her soul to him falling head over heels in love with him. He is the one she tells her secrets to as he is her calm in a stormy sea. Little does Olivia know that the people she loves the most will betray her.

Leseprobe

Contents

Imprint 3

Dedication 4

Acknowledgement 5

Chapter One 7

Chapter Two 14

Chapter Three 20

Chapter Four 26

Chapter Five 32

Chapter Six 38

Chapter Seven 44

Chapter Eight 49

Chapter Ten 61

Chapter Eleven 67

Chapter Twelve 73

Chapter Thirteen 80

Chapter Fourteen 86

Chapter Fifteen 93

Chapter Sixteen 100

Chapter Seventeen 107

Chapter Eighteen 114

Chapter Nineteen 121

Chapter Twenty 129

Chapter Twenty-One 136

Chapter Twenty-Two 144

Chapter Twenty-Three 151

Chapter Twenty-Four 158

Chapter Twenty-Five 165

Chapter Twenty-Six 172

Chapter Twenty-Seven 179

Chapter Twenty-Eight 188

Chapter Twenty-Nine 196

Chapter Thirty 205

Chapter Thirty-One 214

Chapter Thirty-Two 222

Chapter Thirty-Three 231

Chapter Thirty-Four 240

Chapter Thirty-Five 246

Chapter Thirty-Six 255

Chapter Thirty-Seven 263

Chapter Thirty-Eight 272

Chapter Thirty-Nine 281

Chapter Forty 291

Chapter Forty-One 300

Chapter Forty-Two 309

Chapter Forty-Three 317

Chapter Forty-Four 327

Credits 339

Imprint

All rights of distribution, also through movies, radio and television, photomechanical reproduction, sound carrier, electronic medium and reprinting in excerpts are reserved.

© 2022 novum publishing

ISBN print edition: 978-3-99130-166-0

ISBN e-book: 978-3-99130-167-7

Editor: Hugo Chandler, BA

Cover images: Lenapix, Yura Gridnev, Alena Ohneva, Forplayday | Dreamstime.com

Cover design, layout & typesetting:novum publishing

www.novum-publishing.co.uk

Dedication

To the person

I love and miss the most,

this one’s for you.

Acknowledgement

Before I start, there are a few people that I need to thank because this book would be nowhere and nothing without them and their help. First of all, my biggest thank you goes to the team of Novum Publishing who has supported me in this journey and has made the once impossible possible and made my biggest dream come true. Because dreams really do come true. Thank you to Bianca Bendra, my editor, for spending hours on coordinating and helping me with all my questions. Thank you to Brenda van Rensburg and Hugo Chandler for editing my manuscript and writing me a few words that will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you to my French teacher (who’s an English teacher as well) Marianne Dambach who has helped me with my vocabulary and grammar before submitting my work. You are amazing. There are so many more people that have worked on it in the background and I thank you with everything I have.

My next thank you goes to my best friend and soulmate Natalie for being the best person I know on this planet, for caring about me and being the first one to read my book. Thank you to my family and friends who have supported this project, every following one and me in my illnesses and darkest times. You were and continue to be my source of light. I love you all to the end of the universe and back. As you might imagine there aren’t only positive aspects from human beings whenever doing something unusual. But despite it all, I would like to thank every person who has told me to give up on my dream and not to set my hopes too high. I hope, dear reader, that this is an example that people’s opinions are not always true and that you should never stop fighting for what is yours and right.

A massive thank you to you for choosing this book to read out of all the millions of options. You have made a huge impact on my life.

I’m very proud and scared at the same time because this book holds a place very dear to my heart and thinking about giving it to the world has been a terrifying thought. However, if there’s even the slightest possibility to give someone out there that ray of hope and understanding that I ached for in my darkest times overtakes that fear by far. So please know that it is okay to be broken. It is okay if you can’t handle daily life like society tells you you need to. I have been there, I and others still are there and you are never ever alone. Please speak up, please write about it, please listen more than you assume and please always search that light in the dark even if it might be unrecognisable at first, it’s always there. It will get better, I pinky promise you it will get better, there’s always a way out. I’m not going to tell you that life is all glorious, happy and sparkly because it’s not. As simple as that. Life is a bitch, but you are the strongest and bravest warrior in your story. Your past and your future might be someone else’s source of light. Keep fighting and always keep on dreaming.

Chapter One

She loved reading. It allowed her to cry over someone else’s sadness when she could no longer identify her own.

Standing here feels so weird. I wouldn’t have ever thought of actually ending up here.

My own apartment in London only for myself, where I am all by myself and only for myself. If you had told me I’d end up here three years ago I would have asked you if you were freaking insane.

I’m taking the rest of my stuff out of the taxi that drove me here from the airport. I’m taking my stuff and the key and I’m opening the door to my own place for the first time. Jesus Christ who am I and how in God’s name did they convince me to actually do this? My best friend in the whole world, Abby, made me do this. She knows me better than anyone else, even myself, so she knows what’s best for me, I guess.

I’m not a person who often steps out of her comfort zone or more likely never at all. This whole thing, moving somewhere all by myself, especially here in London, was always a huge dream. Whenever I think of this place or this country I kinda feel safe and at home. It’s a charming place to be sure but the feelings I get are just unbelievably hard to explain. All people say the same; London is like New York but just on another continent. People come here to finally put their dreams into reality, to live and to enjoy. I came here to find out who I am, I suppose.

I walk into the small hallway, taking off my shoes and smelling the fresh paint in my nose. I put the rest of my stuff on the floor and walk my way through the apartment. It’s like I have always dreamed about, it’s gentle and open. It is really inviting indeed. She surely would’ve liked that as well…

After having spent the whole rest of the day and the next as well, running around, trying to organize the things I’ve brought with me and decorating everything. I lie down on the floor and pick up my black guitar for the first time in a while. The instrument lay on top of my chest, as I repeated the same cords over and over again that have stuck in my mind for some time now. I silently hum a melody as I try to come to terms with where I am.This is so unreal. Why am I even doing this?

My phone starts to vibrate, so I force myself to get up and take the call.

“Hello?”

“Oh my gosh you’re still alive!” a well-known voice shouts into my hear, causing me to take the phone away from my ear.

“Hah, you’re so funny Abby.” I respond, sarcastically.

“Well, it’s not my fault. You’ve been literally ignoring my texts and calls for the last 48 hours. I thought about you dying in at least fifteen different ways.”

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean to, I just needed to take some time and accept all this. I can’t believe that you made me move to a different country without you,” I reply more seriously now.

She sighs before I hear her soft voice again. “You’re doing this for you Liv and not anyone else. I might have pushed you a little but we both know you’ve been annoying me with this since you were like fifteen years old.”

“Convincing me to move somewhere completely alone, if I might add again, is not a little push. That’s like throwing someone out of a plane and you know exactly how much I hate planes and all that stuff, so thank you Abby for that. This is such a bad idea it can only get worse I’m telling you. I can’t even talk to someone except you and my family, and it will not take ten minutes when I step out of that pretty door until I embarrass the shit out of myself.” My voice starts to shake again. Please no, I’ve been over this, why can’t this little shit called anxiety just stay home and not come with me all the time? I’m twenty-two years old and I shouldn’t be dealing with such things the whole time.

“Olivia shut up right now you’re just talking nonsense. We both know how much you wanted that. You’re just afraid. Do not let this wash the biggest opportunity in your whole life away or I swear I will come there and throw boiling tea over your whole body until you stop talking like this!” She always had her special way of threatening me. Not that I ever took that too serious.

I told you, she knows me better than anyone else even though she sometimes can be a pain in someone’s ass. No names here.

“Listen, I know this is difficult for you, but it will eventually help you. I mean you can write your songs there, you will get new inspirations, you can take those lovely photos and you can skate wherever you want. It will take some time but one day you will be thankful I made you do this and for that you owe me something huge. Just letting you know.”

I know she is trying to give me confidence but that’s not really helping and one day I hope someone will tell her. I’m not going to be the one because I can gladly live without a fist in my face.

“Well today is not that day. I am just scared… that she wouldn’t want me to do any of this like the rest of my family ya know …”

“L, if I can tell you one thing you should be proud of yourself. Like hell. I know you and I know that this, won’t make you feel better so just write about it. Write a song and go out tonight. Go and have some fun, but not too much do you hear me?” she laughs as she starts to tease me again.

“Yeah, as if that’s gonna happen. But I think you’re right for once. I mean the exploring thing not anything else!” I tell her.

She laughs again before replying. “I love you to L. Now go and enjoy, find out who you are and do the things you want to, not because you should or because someone else wants you to, okay?”

“I’ll try, I love you too, I’ll text you soon. Bye Abby.”

“Bye, love you and wear protection!” she says. Before I could say anything she hangs up.

Yeah, she’s got a special sense of humour, but I adore it. Abby always does this, first she tries to make me comfortable and in the end she pulls that weird humour of hers out of somewhere to make me laugh. She’s a really good person, the best that I know if I’m being honest here. A little smile takes over my face. I’m missing her already.

I sit on the floor leaning against my grey and brand-new couch as I try to turn my thoughts into words along with the same melody from before. As always after I have written my feelings down I feel a huge relief in my chest. This is good, this is what I need to do.

The thing with writing or making music is that you can put into words, what you might not be able to explain or share with anyone. I’ve been writing serious music for about seven years now but over time, I’ve tried to become more professional. Writing music is something that I cannot go without otherwise I’ll bottle things up deep in me. I know many young people feel this way and I sometimes feel the urge to help these people; to tell them that they’re not alone. I mean, I wish I could …

Abby’s right. I landed here in my favorite city, more or less by myself, so I need to enjoy it. I need to go and walk through the city and take photos. I need to try not to be freaked out by the thought of being around people. Oh, good Lord help me…

I walk back into my bedroom that I decorated today, and I let myself sink onto the clean sheets on my bed. “What have I got myself into?” I murmur.

Calm down Olivia, you’ve got to do this. You love London, you love taking pictures and you especially love music. Go out and do it.

I get up and I approach the closet which goes into the wall. Everyone wants to live here so I guess they thought they had to make the place look smart. I open the cupboard doors and stare at all the different colours and materials, as I wonder what would fit best. After about ten minutes trying on and thinking about different outfits as well as all my insecurities, I had finally found something to wear. It’s not too much but it is still kind of stylish. The baggy jeans fit my waist perfectly and combined with my top and my denim jacket it looks as if I have a sense of fashion. Which I definitely don’t.

Funny, because that’s my everyday outfit, but at least I’m wearing something.

Nevertheless, I braise myself at the thought of going outside but for now I will think about the clothing thing, okay? I wonder what she would have said, would she have done the same?

I grab my camera, keys, purse and my phone. I lock my front door breathing in the air. This is beautiful, this is good, and I need this.

The sun starts to set which causes a beautiful pink and orange sky and I see so many people as they try to find their way in the chaotic traffic which I definitely do not want to be in. I really, really hate being near so many people. It just gives me a weird feeling in my stomach besides all the scared thoughts of course.

I put my earphones into my ears, and shuffle through the songs that I’ve written and recorded by myself, pulling the camera up I start to take the first pictures. I start to make my way to the subway station to head into the city. Taking pictures is also one of the things that calms me. If you watch a chaotic situation, it would probably make you feel uneasy as you cannot apprehend what is happening so fast. If you take a picture of it instead, it still has a sense of calmness through the chaotic mess. You just need to search for it.

I walk for about ten minutes before I finally reach the entrance to the subway. I take my purse out to buy a long-term ticket. If I really want to live here I will need one at some point, so why not now? Standing in the moving train I can see all the people and it makes me so nervous. When I’m in a crowd I always feel as if everyone’s watching me and it drives me absolutely crazy. The only good thing I can think about when it comes to crowds is that you see all those faces. Everyone goes through something different, they feel things differently but they still don’t realize that they’re not alone. It’s crazy, isn’t it?

I make my way out of the subway and onto the city streets. After some time walking around and taking pictures of different places with different perspectives I find myself wanting something to eat, because I literally only have bread and water at home. Maybe that’s a plan for tomorrow, to buy groceries. I look through the photos that I’ve taken, and they actually didn’t turn out too bad.

I was concentrating so hard not watching where I was going until I bumped into something. Because of the unexpected stop, my purse falls to the ground and my camera slips out of my hands. Luckily, it does not fall onto the ground thanks to the unknown person I’ve run into.

“Oh my gosh I’m so sorry I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

I look at the person in front of me. It’s a tall man with brown curly hair and brown eyes. If I had bumped into him on a different occasion, I would’ve admitted that he was handsome. Not this again Olivia just shut up before you talk.

He looks at me and the camera and smiles slightly. “Don’t worry I wasn’t watching where I was going either. Those pictures are very good, did you take them?”

I nod giving him an awkward smile when he hands me my camera. “Thanks… uhm… for catching it.” Why can’t I just talk like a normal person? Use your damn words! English language? Never heard of it.

“No problem, I’m glad I did. Sorry for bumping into you. Have a good evening.” He smiles and hands me my purse.

“Yeah, you too, bye.” I said walking away.

What the actual fuck? I take my phone and open a chat with Abby. See I told you I’ve already embarrassed myself. After I texted her I put my phone away again to watch where I was going this time.

I’m in for a fun evening.

Chapter Two

After walking for twenty more minutes, I finally finding a take-away place which wasn’t full of people.

This is actually a tempting take-away place, they have all kinds of delicious things that you could imagine. I stare through the glass, which I guess keeps the food safe from people like me. I am not saying that I would eat all of it but after what has happened I needed something to calm my nerves down.

“Are you all right?” I hear a deep voice to my right which that causes me to flinch and hold my chest. Please not again, is once not enough for one day?

“I am sorry. I didn’t want to scare you, but you’ve been staring at the food for quite long time, the stranger says laughing a bit. He is tall and has long black hair, which is in a bun. I suppose that’s in now, but it actually looks better than what I previously thought about men with buns.

“Yeah, no, I mean, I couldn’t really decide, and I got lost in a song,” I replied. Still out of breath I pointed to my earphones, before taking them off to continue the conversation. Please send help.

H smiles again. “Oh, I know that is too good, which song is it?”

“It’s… uh… actually my song, so, uhm… nothing too special,” I confess. This is awkward and it is the exact reason why I hate talking. Well, except to Abby.

He lifted his eyebrows and stared at me, as if he’s just seen a flying cat. Great. “I’m Jacob, what’s your name?”

“It’s Olivia,” I nod awkwardly.

“You can come and sit with my friends and me Olivia, I’m sure you would like to meet them,” he finally says.

Please don’t be a psychopath. I nod as he leads me through the small room to the end where there is a little sitting area. There are two women and another man seated. They all look absolutely stunning, is this a thing in England?

“Hey guys, look who I just met. This is Olivia. Olivia, these are Emma”, he points to a redhaired girl, “Mary”, a brunette, “And this is Ben.” Everyone gave a polite hello smiling. He indicates for me to sit down on an empty chair with my back to the rest of the place. The yellow lights give the brick wall a soft and welcoming colour.

“So, Olivia is a songwriter.” He tells everyone while I frown at his words.

“Well, it’s Liv actually. Olivia is the name my parents gave me so, uhm yeah, and also I’m not a songwriter.” I tell them honestly feeling my nerves explode. So much about quickly grabbing something to eat.

Mary looks at me and says, “So song writing isn’t your profession but your hobby, right? What’s your profession then?” She seems to be very kind and confidant.

I realize that everyone’s attention is on me again. I hate this so much. “Yeah, I’m on a mission to find out so I can’t give you any further information.”

They laugh at my words. “You’re funny but not one for many words, are you?” Jacob said taking the lead again.

My eyes move to the ground. “I am not one for crowds and I don’t have much to say, so no.”

“Well, that’s too bad, because you got yourself into something. Hey guys, we’re all hanging out tomorrow so why don’t you just drop by Liv? I’m sure Ethan wouldn’t mind either and maybe you can help us out?” Emma suggests.

Am I supposed to get what they’re talking about?

Jacob sees my confused facial impression. “What she was saying is that we’re actually all working with a more or less talented artist and that you could help us out with your music.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, I’m really not that good and I don’t want to interrupt anything.”

“You’re not, we invited you. And besides that, I’m sure your music is better than you like to admit, believe me. I’m good at reading people and you, dear Liv are lying.” Jacob says.

It’s the first time I hear Ben speaking. “Yes we’ll send you the address and we will just hang out tomorrow, nothing big.”

I sigh, is this really good? I like to stay in my own bubble because it’s silent and safe but if Abby were here, she would kick my ass and shout at me to do it. Would she think that this was a good idea?

Jacob holds his hand out to me raising an eyebrow. I hand him my phone and he types something handing it back a few moments later.

“It was really nice to meet all of you, but I should really get going now.” I say breaking the conversation.

Mary smiles at me and says, “It was a pleasure, and we’ll see you tomorrow then.”

I nod, saying goodbye. I make my way back to my apartment. On the way I get a tight feeling in my chest and my pulse starts to race again. I can’t do this again not here, not now.

This is a terrible idea, I cannot meet them. This is too much for me. Why have I even agreed to this whole thing anyway?

I arrive at my new home, and put my stuff away. I lay down on my bed and I try to calm down and forget about all this. Eventually my fatigue overcomes the panic in my body and I actually fall asleep. We’ll not talk about the quality of the sleep, okay?

The next morning I get up and I motivate myself to actually go out to do some shopping. Well, I have nothing to eat so I kinda have to but that’s not important.

On the way back to my apartment, bags in my hands, I start to wonder again if I should actually go there. After Jacob had texted me the address and time I should be there, I got my nerves together to tell Abby. Oh, of course she shouted at me that I should go. She’s very motivational but has a hard time actually listening and understanding why I doubt my decisions. That’s the reason I write the song in the way I do and why I keep them to myself. In seven years of writing, I can only remember having shown my songs to people three times. The first one was for Abby, she started to sob and she hugged me tightly before buying me fast food. Yeah, I know. The second time was to someone in my family and the third time was a huge accident and I definitely regret it. I had stayed at my ex boyfriend’s house and he while he played it I was getting something. That was the first time I remember getting upset and angry. When it comes to my songs, which are about my personal emotions and about what I’ve lived through, I wouldn’t want anyone to know that. I’m good, I need to be.

I pack the stuff away into my fridge and cabinets. I sit down on the floor again. I’m not really in the mood to write, I just want to calm my nerves down before it’s too late.

What are you going to wear for a ‘hangout’? What’s that even supposed to mean? I don’t care, my jeans will have to fit again. I’m new to this city I know nothing about fashion or hangouts or even song writing. Why have I agreed to do this? Funny I haven’t. Whenever someone in my life actually leaves it is the moment I can die in peace. I’m telling you.

The baggy shirt doesn’t look stylish either but if we’re honest, who cares? Except me and all the people there, right? Nevertheless, I don’t have time anyway because I should be there in thirty minutes and I still need to do my hair, pack my things and get there.

I take my old skateboard for the first time since I got here and make my way through the city. The place, Jacob suggested, is outside the city, so taking the subway wouldn’t help me. The summer is beginning to end, so it gets colder in the evening. I start to feel the cold. I should have taken a thicker jacket with me- dammit.

I eventually reach the address standing before a huge and old brick building. It kind of reminds me of New York again, I’ve told you this is basically a second New York. I pick my skateboard up and take my phone out and- shit I’m late. Great start, well done Olivia.

I step up to the black door in front of me and I get my shit together to ring the bell. I stepped back to look around the neighbourhood. This is actually a very nice place, I definitely need to explore this place more. Added to my list.

The door opens and I look into Jacobs’ smiling face. “Hello,” I say smiling.

“Well, hello there. We didn’t think you’d actually show up,” he replied and we both laugh.

“I am sorry, it took me longer to find this place than I thought but it’s really nice here.” Do not mention the fifteen minutes ‘what-to-wear’ decision.

“No problem, have you skated the whole way here?” His deep voice asks me.

“Yeah, I have.”

“All right, come in then. We’re all waiting for you.” His smile grows again. He steps back into the building, making space for me. This is going to be nerve wrecking and I’m so in for a very long day. Oh crap!

Chapter Three

Please send me some help.

I followed Jacob through plenty hallways it felt like a freaking labyrinth here. When we finally came to the end and into a little open garden space where everyone’s eyes were on me again. But that wasn’t the biggest problem. The biggest problem, and I’m talking about a massive one, is that he sat just in front of me. The guy I bumped into not even twenty-four hours ago.

So, that brings me to where I am right now, confused as everyone stares between him and me.

“You,” he says shocked. Jacob walks a little further to the couple of chairs where everyone’s seated.

“You guys know each other?” Ben asks while running his fingers through his hair.

“Well knowing is not the right word. We bumped into each other after I had left yesterday,” he tells everyone and gestures to the free chair nodding.

Maya’s sits up a bit and says, “Well then Liv this is Ethan, the dipshit artist we make music for. Ethan, this is Olivia.”

“I’m not a dipshit Mary,” he says offended.

“Oh, shut up before you start Ethan. So, Liv, have you got your music with you for us?” Emma asks, and they all chuckle a little while I stare at them.

“You write songs? I thought you took pictures?” is the first thing Ethan says to me. He keeps his eyes locked on mine which makes me want to run away. Why are they all so intimidating?

“No one asked me to bring anything with me… uhm…,” is the only thing I can say to this.

Jacob chuckles before he tells me: “Yeah, if we had asked you, you definitely wouldn’t have shown up here. Besides that, I kinda feel offended that you didn’t tell me that you’re a photographer as well.”

“That is true, but I am neither a photographer nor a songwriter. And I won’t show you anything, if it’s not good enough.” I’m tell him raising my hands up.

“Oh, stop talking and give me your phone right now,” Jacob replies.

“Jacob, stop pushing her. She doesn’t want to show us,” Ethan says attacking him.

“Of course, she does. I swear I can smell that she has got some stuff we can use. It’s like God gave me the task to find someone to help you with writing so no offence Ethan but stop talking. You will thank me one day anyway.” I only watch swearing that they’re like two five-year-old children.

“I swear you’re already getting on my nerves. Why do you need to be like this the whole time J? Leave her alone, she doesn’t feel comfortable around someone like you,” he blurts out putting his hands on his head as if he has a headache.

“Could you both just stop acting like this and maybe consider asking her what she wants you two idiots!” Emma shouted at them which caused everyone to laugh except for the two of them. She turns to me and asks, “So, what do you think?”

I chuckle before replying. “I think my best friend is totally like you Jacob. She is literally you in female form.” Everyone starts to laugh again.

“Why don’t you want others to listen to your music?” Ben asks more seriously now.

I feel my pulse racing faster and my chest beats faster. Not this again, just calm down, no one’s going to die.

“I… uhm… I’ve actually played my songs to only three people in my life and it’s just… It is like giving a part of me away. The stuff I write, I write with honest vulnerability. So, I guess I don’t want to be vulnerable in front of someone else.” I admit, more honest now.

“Honest vulnerability? You are at least going to have to explain that to us darling,” Jacob states. He’s like the gay best friend that everyone wants to have I can feel it..

I take a deep breath. “You can write down what you feel, honest and vulnerable but you hide it behind the music and in the lyrics, so it means something different to everyone else. It’s like mentioning a place, and everyone thinks of a different sight or view of it even though it’s the same subject.”

“Wow, she’s also smart. I like her, she can stay.” Ben tells everyone and they all chuckle. Me on the other hand, I start to feel more nervous again.

A new conversation’s starts, which is a huge relief to me, and everyone seems to be involved except for Ethan. He’s constantly staring at his phone. What is he even doing?

“Okay, so Olivia will you come to the studio with us tomorrow? If you don’t want to show us your music now you could send it to Jacob or Ethan if you want to,” Mary asks me and now even Ethan’s looking at me. Wow, not this again.

“I don’t think that…,” I start to say but no one else other than Ethan himself interrupts me.

“Leave it guys she won’t do it.”

Everyone frowns at him.

“Dis someone shit in your coffee today, mate?” Jacob asks.

Before they even get a chance to have a fight I should go right? It’s my fault he’s pissed. What have I done? “I think I should go now. Thanks for inviting me it was nice to see all of you, but this is… I should just go.”

“No, Olivia wait he didn’t mean it like that he’s sometimes just kind of a dork don’t listen to him.” Emma tries to make it all sound better and less hurting but that does not help. I’m definitely not welcome here anymore. Now they’re all starting to discuss it again. I decided to just vanish out of here. This was a freaking bad idea, and I should’ve listened to my doubts. You see, they’re there for a good reason.

I pick up my backpack and my jacket, and make my way through this whole labyrinth again. Did we take a right or a left here? Who even came up with such a stupid idea? I eventually reach the door and taking my skateboard I open the door. It’s already dark outside, which means to find the way home will be a fucking lot harder this time.

“Olivia, wait. Please!” Ben shouts from behind me.

As I turn around, he’s already reached me and the look in his eyes makes me want to cry even more. That’s why I only hang out with Abby because she does not hurt me or embarrass me when I’m alone. Well, she does hurt me but not in that way.

“Ben, I can’t do this, and we all know that. I really need to leave with the rest of my dignity I have left because I feel fucking embarrassed now. Please don’t try to make me stay because you will only waste your time.”

“I won’t, I promise. I’ll take you home, it’s late and dark and you said you didn’t know the way.”

I nod as he leads me to a white car. With my skateboard in one hand, I open the door and climb in to the car.

“I am sorry about what happened. He’s not always like that,” he calmly says.

“It is okay. I shouldn’t have come any way. I don’t know why I agreed to even show up.” I admit looking out the window. The last thing I want to see now is the pity-look from him or anyone else.

“Don’t say that, you’re very welcome with us. He just doesn’t know what’s good for him and as far as I know you don’t know what’s good for you either. Just come to the studio or send Jacob just one song, you won’t be judged.”

“We both know it’s not a good idea. I should just stay in my place, in my one bubble and you guys do what you do.” I murmur. Don’t you dare to fucking cry in front of a stranger Olivia Jones, or I’ll murder you afterwards.

He doesn’t say anything. We’re both staying quite except for when I give him directions. After some time, we reached my home. I grabbed all my stuff and opened the car door. “Thanks for the ride Ben, it was nice to see you.”

“The pleasure was ours, Liv. I’ll see you.” He smirks and I can’t do anything else but roll my eyes and chuckle.

I entered my apartment and put all my stuff away. I sit down at my piano. It’s time to write. Don’t think, just write Olivia. I always do this, letting it out in the way of a melody, before I give it the power to make me drown in all of it.

Chapter Four

As I open my eyes, I can see the ceiling in my living room. How did I even end up on the coach last night? At least no nightmares this time, we’re making progress here.

I end up eating some toast, scrambled eggs and tea of course. We’re in England, I just have to have tea.

After I took a shower I recorded some more music. I thought about telling Abby everything. Writing songs helps me with my feelings but it doesn’t give me advice or talk to me; just like you.

I pick up my phone to call her.

“Hey Abby.”

“Hello Liv, why are you calling me? It’s like six in the morning. Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate hearing anything from you,” she says. Yup, time zones are usually not nice, unless you want to avoid someone, who lives half the world away from you.

“I’ve just missed you and I want to hear your voice. Besides that, it’s nearly noon sleepyhead.” (I’m lying.)

“You’re still a shit when it comes to lying. Now again, why are you calling me so early in the morning?” she asks. And again, she knows me too well.

“It was horrible. They wanted me to play music, but I couldn’t do it, and you know why. It got worse when the guy, I had bumped into, suddenly sat in front of me and wasn’t too happy with me being there and my not wanting to show them my music.”

“Damn Olivia. I know you’re scared but maybe this is the right time to open up and to take new opportunities. And the guy’s just an ass when he doesn’t realize how perfect you and your music are. Don’t you dare let anyone else question you about yourself or talk you down.”

“It’s just so difficult without her and you and…,” I am interrupted by the ringing of my front doorbell. “Give me a second Abby, I need to open the door really quickly.” I walk towards my front door and I open it. The second I see who’s standing there I feel as if my eyes are falling straight out of my head. “What the actual fuck? Abby, I’ll call you back later.” I tell her before hanging up. The devil himself stands before me and he looks as if he has just climbed out of bed. Brown curls hanging messily in his face and his eyes still have a light glimmer.

“Hi,” he says.

“What are you doing here and how do you know where I live?” I ask, as I start to feel a little angry. I never get angry, what is he doing to me?

“Ben told me where your apartment was after he had driven you home. I came to apologize and to take you to the studio.”

“Well, that’s not gonna happen. Sorry but you have wasted your time coming here. Have a good day now Ethan and tell the others a hi from me.” I’m about to close the door in his face when he holds his big hands against it to keep it open. Shit, he’s got some muscles.

“Olivia, wait,” he murmurs. I turn around to face him. “Can I come in?”

I sigh and step aside to make place for him. “It’s really… nice here. Haven’t pictured you as a minimalist though,” he says.

“Considering I’ve moved here three days ago I didn’t really have the time to buy something fancy.”

“You’ve just moved here?” He seems surprised. Yeah, I told you that five seconds ago Sherlock Holmes. I nod putting on a tiny fake smile.

“Jacob made me come here. He basically yelled at me for thirty minutes to apologize for being an ass and to make you come to the studio today… with your music.”

Are you fucking serious now? “At least he’s got some sort of morals. Maybe you should really consider, listening to him. You can tell him thatshesaid no thank you.” Give it to him Olivia! I’m really not in the mood to talk to him, considering how he acted yesterday. I had hoped he was actually nice… guess I was wrong. Not the first time and it probably won’t be the last.

He starts to chuckle. This was supposed to offend him, what the fuck? “I didn’t know you were that feisty, but I like it.”

“You know nothing about me Ethan.” I tell him sending him some provocative looks.

“So do you. Listen, I’m admitting I wasn’t too nice last night and I’m kind of sorry for that, but I really haven’t got the nerve or the time to deal with this for much longer. I have got some things to do today. So, would you please stop provoking me and get in the damn car?” he says very directly and intimidating. He’s kind of sorry? What the hell is wrong with him?

“Give me one good reason to come with you right now.” I’m so tired of people just wanting things from me without giving me something back. I don’t care whether he has no time or something to do, I literally do not care anymore.

He sighs, looking at the floor and back to me. “Because I’ve asked you to.” Now I’m the one who’s sighing.

“You won’t leave, will you?” I ask and he shakes his head with a little smirk on his face.

“I’ll be out in five minutes. You can wait outside.” I see a little relief in his face before he leaves through the front door. I turn around to go to my room to get changed.

I grabbed my computer. When I got outside, he was already sitting in his black car in the parking lot.

“Jacob is gonna finally stop yelling at me because I got you to come.” He jokes. It’s not really a funny joke, you idiot.

“Good for you then.”

He looks at me and starts to drive. We were both silent even when we reached the studio. I did not feel the need to talk to him, as he is getting on my nerves. It’s a relief that he hasn’t caused me more anxiety. I don’t even know what he’s making me feel.

I’m going to walk into the studio for the first time and I’m scared as shit. What if I’m not enough or what if I don’t even like being here? I never could’ve pictured myself being here after what happened to me and what he did to me…

I’m so lost in my thoughts, that I do not realize we are going into the building, until I hear a couple of voices chatting. We went into the studio room and took a seat. This place is huge, it’s got several instruments, a computer space for all the smart guys who work with the music…, the producers, you know what I mean, right? The floor is laid with vintage carpets which matches perfectly with the wooden walls and ceilings.

After a quick hello and Jacob picking on Ethan for actually getting me here, they started to have a conversation about some songs they’re currently working on. My thoughts drift off to something different again, while I text Abby about what has happened. The coughing pulls me out of my daydream. I lift my head to see everyone else staring at me again. I should get used to this, right?

“Sorry, what did you say?” This is so embarrassing.

“You get lost quite a lot, don’t you?” Ethan is picking on me now. I was just about to calm down from our meetingthis morning.

“Shut it, Ethan.” Jacob asks if I am willing to show them some of my music.

“If you don’t want dipshit here to listen, we’ll just send him out. Don’t worry about him.” Mary tells me. Ethan opens his mouth and lifts his hands with a pissed look. He deserved that, let’s be honest.

“Yeah, I’ll show you if you want to, of course. I also don’t care whether Ethan is listening or not. That’s not my problem.”

“Yes, go on Olivia.”

Jacob stands up to give me high-five. I’m telling you, he’s just like Abby. I take my computer out of my bag and start to find one of my better songs I can play for them without losing more of my dignity. My hands start to shake again, and I am sweating and become more nervous again.

“It is okay, you don’t need to be nervous.” Ethan tells me. Is he pregnant or why is he having these mood swings?

In the end, I choose the song ‘Light Stick’, which is about her, to show them. At least that’s what everyone thinks, who knows about my mother. As most songs are, but this one is a rough, touching and still beautiful song. I wrote it about six months ago when I had another one of my episodes.

I take a deep breath in and out before turning up the volume and clicking on the song. She would’ve wanted that, right?

I hear the intro and the soft piano chord and immediately I get a shiver down my spine maybe this wasn’t a good idea. I have only listened to this one twice after having recorded it and every time I end up having a breakdown and calling Abby.

After hearing the first chorus my eyes start to tear up and my chest tightens. Olivia Jones you cannot start to cry in front of all these people again. It’s just a damn song about one person. It’s gone, it’s over, so stop acting like a child.

Maybe it’s because I felt like a child back then when she did, what she had to…

Chapter Five

The song slowly fades and everyone is silent, not looking at me. Is it seriously that bad? I know I’m not a professional, but this is one of the better songs. I think… so at least.

“This is…,” Jacob begins but doesn’t say anything more.

Ethan turns his head towards me and says, “It’s absolutely brilliant. It’s rough and heavy and still full of emotions at the same time. It makes you think of lying on the street in the rain and not stopping to think of this person. It’s like you turned something dark into a piece of music that is utterly incredible.” His eyes are a little swollen and red. Is this man seriously that emotional?

“Liv this is great seriously you have to work with us. It would be so much better with your words and that brilliant brain you’ve got in your pretty head. You should really release this song. I’m serious this is… I can’t describe it in words.” Mary says and now they are all looking at me.

“I can’t release it, it’s nothing special and I’m not a professional. No one would want to hear it and besides that I have no people I work with.” I admit.

“You have us now,” Ben says, and it makes me smile. “No seriously, think about it, this could blow up, I can feel it. We’ve worked with dipshit here for a few years and I just feel you have potential. Maybe you’ll even become better than him and we can finally work with someone nice. No offence Ethan.” Everyone laughs except for him. If looks could kill, he would be dead. “This is fun, you need this Olivia, you need people in your life.”

“If you guys despise working with me so much then you should maybe consider backing the fuck off before we finish this whole thing. You could finally work with someone likeher, and I’ll have one pain less in my ass and focus on this album. Which we need, if I may say again, to finish very fucking soon. I don’t need any distractions anymore so Olivia, either you’re in it or you should go.” As I said, he’s a dick but this time he won’t humiliate me again.

“Maybe Ethan, you should be glad that someone likeherhas actually agreed to work with someone as nice as you.” I retort giving him an innocent smile.

“Oooh, she’s getting feisty now. I swear to whoever is up there Liv, you have saved us,” Jacob says.

I raise one eyebrow at Ethan. He sits with his jaw tight and his hands made into fists. His knuckles are already going white… he doesn’t hit women, does he? Maybe I shouldn’t have? Oh shut up now he deserved it. If you can’t take it, you shouldn’t be so rude to others Mister Happy.

“So, what’s this whole project about?” I ask to change the subject and to focus on being productive for once.

After they introduce me to their new project, which is absolutely amazing to be honest, I decide to pack my things and make my way back home to get some rest. About their project, they’re planning an amazing album and a huge tour, which will take about five months. Along with some music videos of the songs they’ve already got, they still need about six more songs to complete the whole thing. Don’t get me wrong but I didn’t pick Ethan as such a well-known singer. I really need to Google him when I get home. The thought of him actually being in front of so many people trying to be nice is really scary… he’s so confusing. Sometimes his nice and sometimes his just a dick. You never know when his mood changes.

I leave the studio, as quietly as possible, putting the backpack over my shoulder and my headphones in my ears. I make my way through the dark city. I keep walking for about five minutes when I hear a car driving next to me slowly. I turn to my left just to see the devil himself in the car, staring at me with amusement. I raise my eyebrows confused taking my headphones off.

“Ran away quickly, didn’t ya? Not so brave anymore now huh?” I roll my eyes at his statement and walk faster. Just ignore him and walk home. He speeds up a bit still following me. Why is this so funny, you dork?

“Seriously, what do you want Ethan?” I ask aloud, which scares me but obviously not him. He just finds it even funnier.

“Right now? I want to know where you’re going.”

“See, I have this thing and it’s called an apartment and I can actually live there.” I keep on walking while he laughs out loud. At least he knows what sarcasm is. We’re taking baby steps here.

“I’ll take you home. Get in the car,” he’s saying monotonously. You’re ripping my nerves apart seriously.

“Thanks, but no thanks. I told you I won’t get into your car more than once and if I’m able to count this once has already happened.” Yes, give it to him!

“This wasn’t a request, Olivia.” Who do you think you are? I stop walking and look into his eyes. He stares at me with his deathly eyes, and I get into the vehicle.

“Didn’t pick you as someone with a sense of humour, not after I heard your song,” he admits. Mood swings, again.

“What has my song got to do with all of this?” I ask bringing my hands to my head. I swear if this keeps going on, my head will definitely explode before his damn tour is even being announced.

“Dunno, just trying to figure you out. What was it called again? Light Stick?”

I look at him and then out of the window. “Believe me, there’s nothing interesting you would want to find out about me.”

“Well, I’d like to find out on my own if you’re lying to me right now.”

“Just don’t, please. You’ll be disappointed. Besides that, didn’t you wanna drive me home so badly?” I ask him. He nods slightly. “Then why aren’t you driving?” He drives me fucking crazy. That’s what he does.

“Why are you so… closed up? What are you so afraid of that you won’t open up. If you work with us you will have to open eve..“, he says as I interrupt him because I cannot take this interrogation any longer.

“Because I’m fucking scared of that!” I shout at him and I turn away so that he can’t see my face.

“Of telling me…?” He doesn’t get it, does he?

“I’m fucking scared of being vulnerable in front of people. I hate the thought of someone knowing everything about me because no one does. So, Ethan, please just let it be.” My eyes fill with tears, I didn’t wanna cry before him. That’s not the plan.

“You’re scared of people leaving you, aren’t you?”

“I’m scared of losing people I care about.” I turn my face towards him letting him see how much this hurts me, maybe then he’ll finally stop.

“And the song is about that…? Sorry, you’re just really difficult to read.”

“Have you actually considered that I don’t wanna be read, especially not by you? You know for someone who writes songs, you’re freaking shit at finding the emotions in others’ songs.” I tell him making him smirk, which makes me smile for a small second.

“I must admit, I deserved that. Never been good at things with emotions and stuff. I usually write from actions and not from special emotions.” Wow, that’s the first thing I know about him. I don’t even know his last name, which is a little weird, considering that I’m going to work with him. Or for him?

“If you don’t want to tell me, fine. But don’t worry, I’ll find out anyway whether you like it or not. Take it as a promise.”

“You won’t stop, will you?” I ask.

“Nope,” he replies smirking.

“Great, then I’m in for a super exhausting time.”

“Probably, but you’re not the only one. The others are often a pain in someone’s ass.”

“Does that include you?” Now I’m the one grinning.

“For someone who’s kinda shy you actually do have a lot to say when it comes to talking me down.” He smiles.

“Believe me, I’m not saying half of the things I’d like to. Say thank you, accept it and drive me home so I can finally get out of this car.” He laughs, shaking his head and starts the car.

Abby will definitely freak out about this. But what would you say?

Chapter Six

After fifteen minutes of awkward silence, we finally arrive at my apartment. I get out of the car with a small goodbye.

It has been three days. Three days of me organizing the rest of my stuff, exploring London, writing some music and three days of absolutely no Ethan-incidents. It actually felt absolutely great to be on my own, although I did speak to Abby a few times but nothing more.

Okay, I lied. Who are we kidding here?

It’s been three days of nightmares, mental breakdowns and me ignoring all calls. You happy now? I told the truth, just the way you always wanted me to. But today’s different, it has to be. I am going to make it stop by going out and not crying. I have this kind of often actually. I just spend days at home, ignoring everyone, as I try to focus on becoming a little more mentally stable.

The truth is, I’ve been hiding these things for years and I’ve become very good at doing so. Most of the time I can even hide it from Abby, which is a great achievement after what I told you. No one should worry about me. I can’t bother anyone after what happened in my life. Besides that, I don’t even have a reason to be sad when so many people are fighting to stay alive. I shouldn’t feel this way. I have Abby and myself. I don’t need anything else. Maybe I need you more than I thought I would, but who even cares? You left me like everyone else.

Just get over it and move on, seriously Olivia, you’re not in school anymore.

“Hi Dad. I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier. I’ve just been busy with moving.” I realize now that it was a bad idea to call him.

“I was very worried Olivia. Besides that, you knew that I didn’t want you to move to another country.” He sounds angry again. He always does, since you know what happened.

“It’s not your decision. I’m an adult, I’m my own person and I need to go my own way, no matter how much you like it or not. I’m sorry that I’m not what you wanted me to be and I’m sorry if that makes you feel disappointed, but this is my goddamn life and I don’t need to make all of you happy anymore. I did that for way too long,” I tell him honestly holding on tighter to the phone in my hand.

“What happened to you? You’ve only been there for a week now and you’re already so different. You need to be careful.”

“I grew up. That’s what happened, I had time and I can very much live on my own without any of you telling me what to do.” I lie. I can’t really live on my own. Well, unless you want a freaking mess, which you already have.

“I’m worried because I care about you. You don’t know iftheyare still out there Olivia.” Oh God, not this again, seriously, we’ve been over this.

I pace up and down in my living room to be less stressed and to sound more… mature than usual. “Dad when are you going to stop harassing me for something that will never happen? That’s pathetic and you know it. I’m done with this shit and all of you coming at me. If you’re gonna continue to fill my life with lies and false excuses because I’m not good enough for you… then please say it Dad. I’m done doing this shit and if you all won’t stop then… I must be done with you too.” So much for sounding mature. I’m more likely to sound like a little child while crying… maybe because I’m crying? Anyway, that’s what you would’ve wanted me to do just like Abby still does and for once, it’s what I want.

“We’re all in danger and you moving away doesn’t make it all better. These men are dangerous and you’re unknowing and innocent and…,” he starts, but I cut him off and scream into the phone.

“Maybe I wouldn’t be unknowing if you’d actually tell me what happened to my mom, your goddamn wife. I feel as if I don’t know myself, but her and all of you too. You need to trust me instead of trying to lock me away. Why are you doing this to me?”

“We’re doing something to you. God, Olivia, we are keeping you safe from these people who actually want to hurt us for what she did, even though she did it in good faith.”