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- Herausgeber: Hammersmith Health Books
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2018
OCD is all too often trivialised, misdiagnosed and woefully misunderstood, but for sufferers it can be completely debilitating and for their carers, life shattering, keeping them all slaves to the sufferer's anxieties. Award-winning counsellor and author, Lynn Crilly, puts the many myths surrounding OCD under the spotlight and shows how different the reality is. The most common question asked by parents, partners and friends of OCD sufferers is, 'What can I do?' Lynn, based on successful support of her own daughter and other sufferers, provides much-needed positive, practical answers. Illustrated with observations and anecdotes from carers and sufferers themselves, Hope with OCD explains the many varieties of OCD, how to spot them, the possible causes and drivers and gives a balanced guide to available treatments – both mainstream and 'alternative' – in the context of what has worked in Lynn's experience. She gives hope to carers and sufferers alike that OCD can be challenged and conquered.
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Hope with OCD
A self-help guide to obsessive compulsive disorder for parents, carers and friends of sufferers
Lynn Crilly
With a Foreword by Dr Russell Delderfield
Copyright
First published in 2018 by Hammersmith Health Books – an imprint of Hammersmith Books Limited 4/4A Bloomsbury Square, London WC1A 2RP, UKwww.hammersmithbooks.co.uk
© 2018, Lynn Crilly
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in any retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers and copyright holders.
The information contained in this book is for educational purposes only. It is the result of the study and the experience of the author. Whilst the information and advice offered are believed to be true and accurate at the time of going to press, neither the author nor the publisher can accept any legal responsibility or liability for any errors or omissions that may have been made or for any adverse effects which may occur as a result of following the recommendations given herein. Always consult a qualified medical practitioner if you have any concerns regarding your health.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data: A CIP record of this book is available from the British Library.
Print ISBN 978–1–78161–145–6 Ebook ISBN 978–1–78161–146–3
Commissioning editor: Georgina Bentliff Designed and typeset by: Julie Bennett, Bespoke Publishing Ltd. Cover design by: Julie Bennett, Bespoke Publishing Ltd. Cover image: Shutterstock.com/Butterfly Hunter Index: Dr Laurence Errington Production: Helen Whitehorn, Path Projects Ltd. Printed and bound by: TJ International Ltd.
Dedication
To Kevin, Charlotte and Samantha
The unconditional love we share for each other is the wind beneath my wings.
My mum – thank you for always listening.
Contents
About the Author
Lynn Crilly is an award-winning counsellor, author and mother of twin girls. After finding one of her twin daughters, Samantha, was struggling with OCD and anorexia nervosa, and having followed the conventional therapy routes to no avail, Lynn took the decision to follow her gut instincts and rehabilitate Samantha herself. She subsequently developed her unique form of counselling to support sufferers and their families going through similar experiences.
Lynn continues to work with families battling mental health issues every day at her clinic in Surrey. She is admired for her passion and understanding – something she attributes to the strength and loyalty of her family and friends, with whom she spends as much time as possible.
Acknowledgements
First and foremost, I would like to say a BIG thank you to my wonderful husband, Kevin, who has always given me his unconditional love and support. His unquestioning belief in me has given me the strength to achieve all I have so far…. I love you more with every new day.
To our beautiful twin daughters, Charlotte and Samantha, I am so proud of the gorgeous young ladies you have become and love you both very much!
A big thank you to Callum and Jay for loving my girls unconditionally and making my family complete – love you both loads.
Much love to my mum and dad, who have always been there for me with the kettle on and ready to listen, with their constant love and support.
My brother Steve and sister-in-law Sue, thank you for being there.
A special thank you to Kate, Wendy, Jill, Gerry, Leanne, Hannah, Dionne, Kyra, Michelle, Shauna, Neil and all my friends who continue to love me unconditionally; your friendship is a rare and valued gift.
A warm thank you to our wonderful GPs, past and present, Dr John Dalzell and Dr Sarah Benney, who over the years have given us as a family and me as a professional their unreserved support.
Thank you to all my clients both past and present who have put their trust and belief in me and my work. This has enabled me to help and support them to make the positive changes needed in their lives and in doing so, changed mine.
Once again, I have been incredibly privileged to have been supported by so many wonderful people from all walks of life, who have all trusted and believed in me enough to make a contribution to Hope with OCD. I thank you all.
Lastly, and by no means least, thank you to my lovely publisher Georgina Bentliff (Hammersmith Health Books) for being so supportive, open minded and a total pleasure to work with.
Once again, a big thank you to all the mentioned above and the many others who have helped and supported me over the years. Without each and every one of you, I know I would not be who and where I am today, both personally and professionally; for this I will always be grateful.
Foreword
As I go about my research into men’s eating disorders, I am often struck by the overlap between some of the experiences that people report about struggling with disordered eating and battling obsessive compulsive disorder. My interest in OCD is, therefore, a natural curiosity emerging from this observation. As such, I was delighted to be given the opportunity to read this new perspective on the topic.
Anyone searching for information about OCD will know that there is a wealth of material out there that can be accessed. Websites, books, leaflets and videos can all be useful in helping you to find out more, improve understanding and aid recovery, but none are quite like this book.
Let me tell you what Lynn’s text is not. It is not a clinical guide. Nor is it an impersonal, detached account of the condition… not that there is anything wrong with either of these, of course. Medical guides are not only useful but necessary.
Now let me tell you what this book is. It is a unique blend of four core elements. This powerful and innovative consideration of OCD deftly weaves together the following: accessible information about the nature of OCD and its presentation; unbiased exploration of several recovery approaches; practitioner experience of these methods; and personal reflections of how these treatments have made a difference to individuals. In addition to these four elements, Lynn’s work has heart and honesty. Her own family’s healing runs through the book, illustrating the possibilities of recovery without glibly presenting this as an ‘easy’ or linear process.
As well as being a good read, there is real intent to offer options. One core message that runs throughout is the importance of freedom – being free to try different ways to find recovery. This makes sense because OCD presents differently in each individual, and, as such, people need to think about a range of different solutions, treatments and therapies. The trick is not to give up if some standard treatment does not prove effective. As Lynn believes, you should persist and find something that works for you.
This leads us to another core message: hope. Lynn’s professional and personal experiences have a genuine message of hope, and this permeates everything that you read here. The book shows that recovery really is possible, and, most importantly, that there is more than one way to get there. Caring, love, awareness and clear information are key to tackling the pervasive and damaging influence of OCD – and this book has these in abundance.
Dr Russell Delderfield University of Bradford, UK
An unwanted intruder
By Samantha Crilly
I lay there asleep, in peace on my bed
Avoiding waking to confront the demon in my head
Losing myself in my beautiful dreams
Feeling free, well, for what it seems
I wake and feel the constraint around me
Face to face with the monster that has found me
Reeling out a list of rules I should follow
Each with a meaning that seems so hollow
But as I do one, it makes me do more
If I ever missed one, it would yell as it saw
I obeyed every rule, scared of upsetting it
It knew it could own me, and I was letting it
Drained and tired from doing what it desired
I was the personal slave that it had hired
So consumed in the rituals I had to do
I was losing everything else that once was true
My freedom was jailed
Imprisoned in a hell I hailed
Watching my loved ones fall apart beside me
It was time I set light to the fire inside me
This presence was my enemy, not my friend
And a relationship that I needed to end
I burnt my bridges and cut my ties
I ripped it apart and said my goodbyes
I have the freedom now to live my life and be free
But over my shoulder, it’s always watching me
Its shadow lingers at a distance
And whispers to me in its persistence
But I stand strong, you will stay a ghost, and I will walk past your existence.
To cut a long story short…
Anyone looking at us 12 years ago would have assumed from the outside that we were a perfectly ‘normal’ family: my husband Kevin and I, together with our beautiful twin daughters, Charlotte and Samantha, seemed to have everything anyone could possibly wish for, and more. We were in a really good place in our lives, glued together by the strong foundations of our marriage and two happy, healthy girls. Of course, we had our ups and downs like most couples and life threw challenges our way, but we always worked together to overcome them and move forward, trying carefully to balance our scaffolding business and family life, just like any other working parents. We were doing okay… or so we thought.
Our picture-perfect little world fell apart when Samantha was diagnosed with the early stages of anorexia nervosa at the start of her teenage years. We had had very little experience of mental illness at that time and were not prepared for what was to come. Looking back, Samantha had always exhibited a vivid imagination, creating unlikely and outlandish scenarios from a very early age, though to her, these imaginings seemed very real, leading her to repeatedly check door locks, window locks, toilet seats and light switches. We had no knowledge at all of OCD when the girls were young and dismissed these peculiarities as being Samantha’s quirky traits, her uniqueness of character. It was something we neither encouraged, discouraged nor over-analysed – it was just Samantha being Samantha. Now, with the diagnosis of anorexia nervosa we were equally and naively unaware of the condition or the precise help or treatment needed for our lovely daughter as we watched her spiral so quickly out of control and into the grip of something which affected each of us individually and our family as a whole. I had no idea how to deal with eating disorders at that time, but my husband and I believed that if we entrusted Samantha’s health to the ‘system’ she would get better – we had no reason to think otherwise at that point. However, in hindsight, and knowing what I know now, had we had the knowledge and understanding to enable us to identify and address the OCD in Samantha’s childhood, I feel we might have been in a stronger position to intervene at a much earlier stage with the eating disorder. Who knows, we might have even nipped it in the bud…
Over the next three devastating years we tried everything we could to get her the help she so desperately needed, from our local (very supportive) GP to both NHS and private clinics and therapists, but sadly nothing appeared to be working for Samantha. As things progressed from bad to worse, we all felt completely helpless as we watched our beautiful daughter become a shadow of her former self, the trauma fragmenting the family with each of us suffering in our own particular way.
Like any parent, I wanted to do the best I could to help my daughter to recover both mentally and physically and support my family to have a better understanding of her illness. I read many books and scoured the internet for as much information and guidance as I could get my hands on, but could not find anything that I or my family could truly relate to or which gave me any real hope that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel for Samantha and for us as a family. It seemed to me that we were all feeling around in the dark, not knowing what we were supposed to say or do. Every website, book or support group I found seemed to focus mainly on the actual person experiencing the illness and not the family, friends or carers who I felt needed help and support just as much as the sufferer. I desperately needed answers and wanted to reach out to others – anybody with a genuine understanding of what was happening to us – to help us stop Samantha’s condition in its tracks, but to no avail. There was nothing. I was also deeply troubled by the fact that my husband, my other daughter, Charlotte, and I were at times all made to feel that Samantha’s illness had somehow been our fault. We were living in what felt like a pressure cooker, thinking we were going to explode at any given moment and constantly scrutinising ourselves, which in itself was only adding to the overall destruction. It seemed as though there was a great deal of blame being flung around when answers were thin on the ground and those closest to the sufferer were often an easy target.
Having exhausted all the options available to us, the painful truth was that Samantha was not getting any better – if anything, she was becoming more and more unwell, both physically and mentally. So, in a moment of desperation and with my family falling apart, as radical as it might have been, I let my intuition guide me and took the decision to rehabilitate her myself. Thankfully, with the full support of our GP, the school and our friends and family, I was able to dedicate myself completely to Samantha, injecting positive thinking, love and hope, whilst trying to show her a life outside of the eating disorder, never giving up on my belief that she would get better no matter how difficult the situation became. I worked closely with Samantha’s school, knowing it was important to keep her in as normal an environment as possible, and everyone involved worked as a team throughout the recovery process.
There were no set rules to follow, no specific path to guide me, but by committing myself fully to Samantha’s recovery and trying my utmost to understand things from her troubled perspective, I slowly encouraged her to start communicating with me. She began sharing her distorted and, at times, highly irrational views of her world and her innermost thoughts, her head engaged in constant battle with itself. Patience, love and open-mindedness were paramount, not just for Samantha, but for the family as a unit, ensuring the lines of communication were left open at all times between us. We needed all to be on the same page, so we could help Samantha and heal together. It turned out to be the steepest learning curve I could have ever imagined. Looking back, it was quite a controversial thing to do I suppose, but at the time my instinct told me it was the right and only way to get my daughter better as nothing appeared to have had an impact so far. Step by step over the following year or so, Samantha slowly found her way back to us and began to leave behind the eating disorder that had had such a profound and devastating effect, not only on her but on all of us. However, we were not completely out of the woods yet and I have to admit I still had my suspicions that there was something else, some underlying factor that was stalling Samantha’s recovery.
She was still very vulnerable at this time. Being exposed to outside influences, including an intense relationship with a friend who was suffering from OCD, had a negative impact on her progress. Samantha inadvertently began to copy some of the friend’s traits and habits relating to food, which was both her weakness and the catalyst that led to her subsequently suffering a major setback as OCD began to manifest itself in place of her eating disorder. Control was once again the core element for her – although she was more out of control than she realised. That is the illusion with mental illnesses such as OCD and eating disorders – the sufferer believes that they have full control, when in reality it is completely the opposite and the mental illness has complete control over them. Food, and everything associated with it, was pivotal in Samantha’s mental illness, so it seemed a fairly predictable and inevitable progression that OCD would come to the forefront once again and latch onto this weakness, making her recovery even more difficult and challenging. This time Samantha was more comfortable opening up to me and began to explain why she felt a certain way and why she had to carry out certain acts and rituals, which helped me to accept and understand the OCD much more clearly this time around. With Samantha’s desire and determination to get better, we ploughed on together, a united team against OCD, gently rebuilding our family life into a new and stronger version of what it had previously been.
Kevin, my husband, has never really understood mental illness, and has never pretended to, but the pressure and the enormity of it all took its toll on us briefly at the height of Samantha’s illness, to the point that I once asked him to leave. Thankfully he ignored my request and stayed, continuing to provide his powerful and unconditional love and support, without which we could never have survived. He used to think Samantha was intentionally behaving as she did for attention, but now he readily accepts things for what they are, supporting Samantha unconditionally, even though sometimes, he struggles to get his head around her quirky ways of thinking.
Samantha’s twin sister, Charlotte, has also been pivotal in her recovery and now works alongside me at my practice, with an empathy that can only come from first-hand experience. She has forfeited pieces of her own life so that Samantha could be given the full-on care that she needed and the bond between my two girls is now unbelievably strong. Their mutual respect for one another, as a result of the journey they have shared, is testament to that.
I have learnt through all of this, the importance of constant communication, patience, non-judgement, unconditional love and most of all HOPE. I have also learnt that in fact there is no such thing as the ‘perfect’ family. Trying to be perfect is not only unrealistic, it can be dangerous.
Some time after Samantha’s recovery, I was contacted by the mother of a 17-year-old girl who was suffering from an eating disorder. She asked me if I could help as they were finding, as we had, that none of the conventional routes was making any difference. Encouraged by my husband, I approached their situation just as I had Samantha’s, looking beyond her illness to the person within and giving her and her family the unconditional and non-judgemental support that I realised from our experience had been so beneficial. Having been able to help her, and her family, successfully, I made the decision to build my own counselling practice based on everything I had read, learnt and experienced from our own journey with Samantha. I then went on to do some studying of my own, including training as a Master of NLP (neuro-linguistic programming). I was keen to work with other sufferers and their families, giving them the combination of unreserved support and complete lack of judgement that my own experience had taught me was vital. I tentatively opened my doors to people from all walks of life, struggling to deal with mental illness, be it the sufferer or a supportive loved one. My little successes were never shouted from the rooftops but from then on people seemed to find me through recommendation and word of mouth. I am now contacted on a daily basis by frantic and frightened parents, carers and siblings, all of whom have concerns about children as young as nine years old from all over the country, most just wanting to talk to me, desperate for a glimmer of hope. I now help people suffering with OCD, eating disorders, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. The way I interact with my clients may seem a little unorthodox to some; however, I feel it is important to get to know the person as a whole rather than just seeing them through the lens of their illness, and working alongside the family rather than with just one person helps to build a united front against the illness. No two people who enter my office are ever the same and all experience the issues in a way that is unique to them; hence, the way I approach their treatment is similarly unique to each client. I am learning about each individual case as it naturally unfolds so I can give as much time and attention as we need both in and outside our sessions to build a mutual trust within our relationship which enables me to be one step ahead of the illness, in turn facilitating a quicker and more effective recovery for all concerned; we may, for example, do puzzles together while we chat, or make jewellery or do other arts and crafts projects. The atmosphere tends to be much less intense than the traditional image of the patient-therapist relationship, and can even be fun! I have certainly learnt a lot from working with people in this way, and I focus on maintaining a positive environment, so from the minute they walk in my clients feel comfortable and at ease; from the very start they know they can get better and that they are in control of their own recovery.
I also respond at an emotional level rather than a clinical one to the things they tell me. I do not always get it right, and I do not pretend to; occasionally there may be the need for additional assistance and input from other avenues; but my practical and down-to-earth approach has earned me the endearing handle of ‘Fairy Godmother’.
So here I am, many years later. If you had told me over 10 years ago that I would be doing what I am doing today I would not have believed you. Nor could I have foreseen that our future as a family would be so much healthier and happier; our dynamics have changed in a way I did not think possible. During these rewarding years I have had the privilege of working with some wonderful people and their families, each and every one of them unique. Whilst I have been able to support and guide them through their journeys, I too have learnt from them. My clients have said that they find my practical and down-to-earth approach really refreshing and even compared me to the therapist in the film The King’s Speech on more than one occasion! His methods were unconventional and unorthodox – but they got results. I never expected my practice to expand to the scale it has, but through this I have been able to share my ever-growing knowledge of all kinds of mental illness and help clients to find the best route towards recovery, not just for the sufferer but for those close to them.
My ever-increasing client list highlighted just how little emotional support or real empathy there was available for the carers, friends and families of those suffering from mental illness, and having had first-hand experience of the destruction it can cause within the family unit I felt compelled to write my first book (Hope with Eating Disorders, published in 2012). I was keen to share what I had learnt from our journey with Samantha in the hope that it would bring some guidance, comfort, strength and hope to others. Outwardly it was impossible to identify families who were going through similar experiences, yet when I spoke openly about what we had experienced within our family, I learnt that most people I knew were struggling with something behind closed doors. They had been too afraid to talk about it for fear of stigma or judgement, which sadly still surrounds mental health issues, even in today’s society where a staggering one in four of us will experience or suffer from some form of mental illness at any one time. It was then I realised how widespread issues like self-harm, anxiety, depression, OCD and eating disorders were and how confusing the wealth of information available on these subjects could be to the reader. Despite many high-profile initiatives by the Government and various celebrities making mental health awareness a target, there are still countless people of all ages suffering in silence, in need of help and support, and many loved ones, friends and carers confused and unsure of how to help them.
Looking back, although Samantha had left most of her issues behind, she never truly felt comfortable in her own skin until recently, when she reignited her love for drama and the arts. Following this, we have watched her grow into a beautiful, confident and vibrant young lady, pursuing a passion that allows her to express herself. Her passion and desire for life have been strengthened by the encouragement of her supportive and loving boyfriend, Jay. Charlotte also has a wonderful, understanding fiancé, Callum, who has been on this journey with us since the beginning, so I am hugely relieved – being happy and healthy is all I have ever wanted for both of my girls.
Which brings us to Hope with OCD…
Having experienced at first hand some of what you are going through, my main aim in writing this new book is to help you identify and understand the symptoms of OCD as early as you possibly can, which in turn will enable early intervention with the appropriate treatment. Both of these are paramount for a quicker and more effective recovery. I try to answer some of the questions that I am asked frequently, and my objective is to give you, the reader, the hope and belief that you have the strength and courage not only to support and guide your child/friend/loved-one through these turbulent waters, but to be able to see them safely to the other side, where they, and indeed everyone closely involved with them, will be able to move forward with their lives. I would like this book to act as a road map not only for those who simply do not know where to turn for help, but also for those who would like to have a clearer understanding of the condition.
I hope to relieve you of some of the burden, confusion and pain you may be feeling, as you enter the unknown, and to arm you with as much knowledge, guidance and strength as I can, to enable you to continue your journey with courage, trusting in your own personal skills and instinct, just as I did. Remember always that communication is the key, along with unconditional love, non-judgement, patience and hope.
This book emphasises that each OCD sufferer is individual and unique; there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ path to recovery. My own experience demonstrates that each family or support network must take whatever action is right for them; if one option proves ineffective, try another – never buy into the myth that OCD is incurable; never give up hope and never give up trying.
Sadly, there are no quick fixes; only perseverance and time can heal. I do not pretend to be an expert on everything and I am still learning, but I hope with the benefit of my first-hand experience, knowledge and natural empathy, I can help you, the reader (whether you are battling with OCD personally or you are a carer), work towards a happier and healthier future together. Always have hope because anything is possible… my family is living proof of that.
Over the pages that follow you will share the experiences of other carers and sufferers, and realise that the emotions you may be experiencing are normal and natural. You will be given an insight into how your loved one is thinking and feeling, with the aim of providing you with a genuine understanding of their condition. I have also included an unbiased guide to some different types of treatment available within and outside of the NHS. All the contributors and therapists are real people, but some have had their names changed to protect their identity.
Chapter 1
What is obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)?
In recent years, ‘OCD’ has become a bit of a buzzword, used frivolously as an off-the-cuff statement: ‘Oh, I checked the door twice. I am soooooo OCD!’ or ‘Oh, I washed my hands three times. How OCD am I?’ Sadly, in reality, OCD is more than that – much, much more. It is a deep-rooted, anxiety-based, debilitating and destructive mental illness that affects both the sufferers and their carers alike. Once well established, the severity of this dreadful illness, and the tormented misery it rains down on the sufferer, can destroy relationships and ruin the lives of not only the person suffering but also everyone around them.
OCD can be defined as a mental health condition that changes a person’s way of thinking, their feelings, their behaviour, or – in probability – all three. This can cause the person distress and difficulty in functioning mentally, and frequently on a physical level too. Individuals who have OCD may not look as though they are ill, particularly if their symptoms are mild. However, some individuals may show more obvious and explicit physical signs. OCD can affect a wide variety of people, regardless of gender, race, age, sexuality and/or social background. The impact varies from person to person, as does the length of time it will affect each person’s life. It is a serious mental illness and deserves the same attention and respect as any physical illness, yet sadly it is still often woefully misunderstood, feared and trivialised, as it cannot be seen. If we were to break one of our arms or legs, not only would a doctor know exactly how to fix it, but we would probably get a lot of sympathy and support from the people around us. With OCD, there is no such obvious cure and people around the sufferer tend to draw away, or worry that they will say or do the wrong thing. This can be frustrating for someone experiencing OCD, as they may feel that their condition has not yet been acknowledged, or that the people close to them do not care.
From my own experience, as a carer, one of the most important things I have learnt and would like to share with you at this point in the book, is that ‘you have to accept what is, to enable you to understand’. You cannot apply logic to something illogical in the same way you cannot apply reason to something unreasonable and you cannot make sense out of something nonsensical. From my own experience, however difficult it may be, I would encourage you not to spend precious time and energy trying to understand the reasoning behind every action, but to look at what you can do to support your loved one, as OCD, to the carer, can have no logic, no reason and make no sense.
