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- Herausgeber: Books on Demand
- Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2015
WaSai! You are suddenly planning to go to China and have no idea what will happen there to you? You only have a few hours to prepare yourself for this journey no matter whether you're going there for studying, business, traveling, or any other reason? Fear no more! Brace yourself for a country filled with selfishness, dirty bathrooms without doors, and awesome drinking and smoking rituals! Describing daily situations which you are going to encounter, this guide will help you prepare for Chinese insanity quickly by waiving sociocultural explanations and history. Get ready for the naked truth and use this guide not only to survive in China, but also to enjoy the madness!
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Don’t dream it.
Be it.
Contents
An Introduction
An Ordinary Business Trip
1 Become Selfish – You and Your Social Group Come First
2 Love Chinese Food
3 Consume Alcohol and Cigarettes
4 Reconsider Your Views on Cleanliness
5 Dress Up – Chinese Style!
6 Chinese Communication: Speak in a Chinese Way
7 Chinese Communication: Adjust the Topics
8 Forget the Concept of Privacy or Private Life
9 Do Not Obey Rules of Others but Make your Own!
10 Study/Work Hard (Or Know How to Cheat)!
11 Rest Even Harder!
12 Take Care of Your Health!
13 Get a Red Stamp, Lots of Documents and FaPiaos
14 Pay Upfront and Never Forget the Deposit!
15 Go Shopping
16 Learn About “Face” and Guangxi
17 Bend the Truth and Play the Blame Game
18 Be Racist
19 Get Loud and Let Others Enjoy the Sounds, Smells and Fluids Your Body Can Produce
20 Travel the Chinese Way
21 Get a Chinese Name
22 Get a Chinese Quality Room
23 Enjoy Music, TV Series about War and Horror Movies
24 Become a Master in Improvisation and Get Backup!
25 Be Careful about Doing Business Here
26 Lose All Interest in Politics
27 Get Preferential Treatment
28 Re-Evaluate Risks and Stay in Your Comfort Zone
29 Be Traditional. Or Not.
30 Guys only: Give All the Money to the Girl
31 Listen to Your Parents
32 Understand the Factors of Chinese Planning and Logic
33 Speed Up and Slow Down According to Your Needs
34 Don’t Care About Animals – but Love Pandas and Pets!
35 Put Pictures on Social Media the Chinese way
Some Final Words
Thanks!
An Introduction
Ah, dear Laowai 1, are you ready for becoming a true Chinese? You have an awesome journey ahead. China is amazingly big and the experiences you will have are mind-blowing. If somebody says he knows China, one of the first questions should be: What China? Northern China? Southern China? Chinese cities or the rural areas? Which minority? From my impression, there is no way that you ever can claim that you really understand this country as a whole.
I have described a lot of real-life situations in this book that you will probably experience pretty quickly after your arrival, no matter which area you're living in– and even years after staying here, you will still run into them and they will bring a smile on your face. Or make you bang your head against the wall due to frustration. But staying here for some while is totally worth it. From my experience, there are three types of foreigners who come here: The ones who hate this country, which is a very small share. The ones who are somehow ambivalent, this is also a very small share. And the ones who start to love it after their arrival. The ones who say “I just want to stay for a few months or years” but somehow get hooked up and will either not leave or always come back. It is a little bit like trying alcohol the first time: Maybe in the beginning you do not like the taste. But you will drink again and again. And maybe end up an alcoholic.
After staying here for a long time there is something I refer to as the “Asian trance”. When something is happening around you even after years of being here you will have the feeling that you are totally lost in the events and just cannot grasp the situation evolving around you – but you will love it. You will have tears of joy in your eyes and will be so happy that you have had the opportunity to experience this. This is the moment when the trance sets in. There are also lots of dark sides where you have no idea what is happening, but this time you will hate it to an extent that you want to leave the country as quickly as possible while cursing at everybody crossing your way. Situations that will make you think that all of this intercultural experience is too much for you to bear and you want to smash everything around you. Luckily, these kinds of situations are much less frequent than the mind-boggling happy ones.
The most important recommendation I can give you is this: Be patient. Observe, relax, and if something does not work out the way you want it to work out there will be a solution, even if it might take some time. Calming down mostly helps.
One of the reasons to come here is that this country is a ride on a rocket – development compared to other countries is on light-speed which can be seen in construction, politics, but also culture. Some of the information I read in some traveler guides or culture bucks seems to be outdated, at least for the bigger cities. This country consists of long-lived traditions which are confronted with modern influence – you can clearly see that China was literally shot from stone-age to modern age in just a few decades. Sometimes people seem to be lost here on the way but somehow they all cope with the quick change. A change that at least for people who come from more tranquil places might be too much to bear with. But do not give up hope, dear Laowai with a big nose. You also somehow can enter the flow and get used to this firework of everyday-changes and development. And I promise, if you'll stay here long enough you'll find your old life in your old country boring.
And last but not least, in my opinion no foreigner can take this country really serious. Most foreigners who come here switch on their party mode, what happens in China stays in China anyway, and when they finally leave the country they switch it off again. This is an amusement park for adults where you can gaze in amazement at a great show somebody delivers on the street, and where you can shout out of horror because something is not going the way you've planned it. But still, it is an amusement park with lots and lots of different experiences waiting for you to discover.
I love it. At some point I might hate it. But until then I will enjoy every day here and be happy that I have the chance to spend a share of my life in this amazing country. And I hope you will too.
1 „Old Outsider“ – you will probably hear this a lot on the streets, at least as long as you are outside the major tourist spots
An Ordinary Business Trip
This book could probably consist solely of a short story about a very ordinary business trip I've had. Almost everything I want to share with you is included in that story already. Yet you would rightly be enraged about the fact that you had invested in a book with only three pages. So let’s hold a challenge instead – I challenge you to read my description of the business trip which I tried to keep as neutral as possible. Afterwards, read the rest of the book. And in the end come back and try to find as many of the things that you've learned about. It will be easy if you know what you have to look for. Here we go:
I've just received information that I will be going on a spontaneous business trip to a city far away from every airport in the middle of China. I have nothing except an airplane ticket and a vague idea that I might be back a few days later.
One of my colleagues grabs me in the office and we drive to the airport where he steers me in a very routinely manner, including jumping the queue, through the check-in procedures with a short break at the business lounge until we get on the plane. Arriving at the destination airport we get picked up by a driver and off it goes. About 2 hours later our driver gets a call informing him that the key to another car the company that invited us for the journey needs is in our car. No problem, since we just saw a bus on its way to the very city the key should go to and - after very short negotiations - the bus driver agrees to take the car key with him.
While we are sitting in the car, we pass other cars from which somebody is throwing plastic bottles out of the window. Finally we arrive at our location and get checked in our simple hotel – obviously I will be sharing a room with my Chinese colleague for the business trip. Since I've mentioned that I have a dry throat from air conditioning he recommends drinking a lot of hot water to make it better again.
Shortly after our arrival, we get picked up again by the driver and we are driven to the local government where our client and some important government officials are waiting for us. While drinking tea, heavy smoking in the room, and hearing how good my Chinese is several times we finally start dinner – as the most important person here today I get the chair facing the door and the honor to drink a lot of the local liquor called Baijiu and some red wine. Surrounding me I can hear a concert of people enjoying their food without closing their mouths and slurping in the noodles. One of the guys in there is not only proud of his drinking skills, but also proud that he can smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day.
My boss is also mentioned with appraisal, especially since he is also really good at drinking. Some people who are not considered to be important managers are serving us all the time: Filling up the glasses, bringing in a lot of food, and basically doing everything the important guys tell them to do.
After a few hours of eating, drinking and chatting we can finally return to the hotel – we had just finished brushing our teeth, taking a shower, and my colleague finished taking a pretty noisy dump in the bathroom when there's a knock on the door: Some other important government officials did not show up so we can change our room from “normal type” to “executive type”. While trying to fall asleep on the still very hard but a bit more comfortable bed I can hear people out in the hallway walking and talking, and someone is playing music all night which spatial origin I cannot even locate. Either way, I roll up some tissues and put them in my ears to finally fall asleep. Next morning at 6:30 we are picked up again for breakfast, which once again is served at the local government. This breakfast of course already involves a lot of smoking. We then set off back to the hotel again, where some busses are waiting for the around 600 people participating in this event – the opening of a new facility. On our bus drive to the location we see lots and lots of police and army presence making sure that our convoy can pass without a problem. Meanwhile some tour guide is entertaining us with some information regarding local history and singing local songs to us.
The first stop is a memorial for Chairman Mao – we visit this place for about half an hour and our tour guide not only takes care that we keep together but also proudly shows us the bed in which Mao slept for one night, a stone in which with a certain degree of imagination you can read his name, and we all bow in front of a Mao statue.
Off we go again to the facility where they have constructed a big stage for the opening ceremony to take place. There is also a smaller stage where some people can watch the show from the front and as a guest of honor I get my own place there while all the other people I know have to find a place somewhere else. After about 45 minutes of speeches the local middle school performs an impressive drum show on stage, followed by the elementary school with some kind of dance and some singers singing and dancing.
After the show we have about 30 minutes to visit the newly opened museum – in order to keep the regular people out the doors are locked with a chain behind us. And of course some of the guests are smoking in this museum.
After this visit is over we have some time left to have a look at the surrounding park where first government officials and people from other companies, and then local private visitors seize the opportunity to take a picture of themselves with my foreign face.
Next stop is lunch where we get served some local special food which is highly appreciated by every participant and again have some time to take a walk – somewhere we find a rock which says that Mao sat on it. That is why it has now the form of a sofa.
On the way back to the museum we pass a small market where you can buy local vinegar and Baijiu. This time we go to the meeting room inside the museum: I was asked to prepare a presentation about our company without any information how long it should last – anything between 10 to 60 minutes. Obviously it gets cancelled since other people have prepared lengthy speeches anyway. Some people around me just take a nap while sitting. After the one-hour-meeting we go outside again, sit in the museum, and some of the people with me are smoking again.
Finally it is time for the closing ceremony – the police and army presence is pretty impressive. As a guest of honor I again get a nice seat in the second row directly behind the local government. Again, the ceremony begins with speeches. And at precisely that moment, at which a government official mentions the long and highly developed culture of China, a child squats down in front of me surrounded by hundreds of people and takes a shit.
The performance starts: It is basically the same as in the morning, but this time they added some more famous singers from all over China. While many people around are clapping and cheering and waving to the performers, the local government officials are sitting there without any facial expressions whatsoever. Finally, the climax of the show: A famous star sings songs and the police is unable to restrain the crowd anymore as they jump up and run to the stage, even in front of the local government officials who are still motionless.
The show is over; we return to our busses and drive back to the local government for dinner, drinking. And smoking. My colleague somehow manages to rescue me from drinking too much Baijiu by telling the people that in my culture beer is much more accepted: So I just swallow down glass after glass of beer since everybody wants to drink with me while next to me the chain smokers are once again enjoying their cigarettes. The level of noise gets really high again and everybody is shouting nice words to each other.
At around midnight we return to the hotel.
On the third day we get up at around eight for breakfast which again involves heavy smoking by some guys and drinking tea afterwards. Suddenly, very suddenly indeed, the atmosphere changed from “relationship building” to “business” – my colleague discussed business matters with the leader, while servants are jumping back and forth filling up glasses of tea and handing out cigarettes to everybody. About half an hour later the business is obviously concluded and we visit some other facility in which they want to use our products in the future. About ten people are standing around and discussing where exactly to put it. Since business is concluded we excuse ourselves and return to the driver who brings us to another airport. Since we tried to make a reservation for plane tickets in the afternoon the driver uses some covers for the license plates in order for the speed cameras to not catch his license plates while speeding. Since the roads are under construction here nobody is really sure where to go – and even if there is a sign that the new highway is still under construction, we try to get on it until finally being stopped by some big rocks on the way and turning back.
We arrive at the airport just in time – unfortunately it turns out that we have tickets for a plane two hours later. My colleague invites me and the driver for lunch at a local street restaurant, where a 12-year-old boy stares at me and is somehow so surprised to see a Chinese-speaking foreigner that he freezes until we can make him move and talk again.
He is barely able to say more than 3 sentences in English – but still my Chinese colleague mentions how smart he is. I ask the boy for how long he's been studying English: Obviously for 5 years already.
We finally can get to the airport, enter the airplane, and fly back. As soon as the plane's rear tires touch the ground I see many people switching on their phones and opening their safety belts not really caring that we are still travelling at a speed of hundreds of kilometers per hour.
We get out of the airport where our driver is waiting for us already. While I somehow managed to evade this my Chinese colleague has yet another business dinner tonight. Three days after leaving the city I live in I am back at home. And again I am flashed by things happening in this country.
You have no idea what happened in this story? And no idea what lessons you should learn from it? Well, let’s get ready for the steps to become Chinese.
