Letting Go of the Need to Be Right E-Book

Jeff Dollar

• Herausgeber: BroadStreet Publishing Group, LLC
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019

Seitenzahl: 212

Beschreibung

"I'm sorry you feel that way." —Anyone who's mastered the fauxpology We all struggle to admit fault. We defend ourselves, talk more than listen, or find flaws in the messenger to dismiss the message. These habits build walls and leave us estranged and disconnected. Letting Go of the Need to Be Right is an invitation to recognize issues that impede personal growth and hinder relationships. You will learn how to: - pursue what is right, not who is right. - be mindful of your motives. - allow for creativity and collaboration. - celebrate others instead of stealing the spotlight. We are called to be lifelong learners and servants. When we let go of the need to be right, the pressure to know it all, have it all, and be it all lose their power over us, and we are free to fulfill our calling in God.

Leseprobe

In Letting Go of the Need to Be Right, Jeff Dollar, in his transparent and winsome storytelling, recounts the crippling dysfunctions that he embraced through acquiring various ungodly beliefs. Believing he could never be good enough distorted his perceptions and relationships that would become a frenzied performance-based life. Welcome home, Jeff! I highly recommend his deeply revealing book to those who desperately need to discover God’s love, acceptance, and forgiveness so they can find rest and peace from their tortured search for significance.

—John Arnott, Toronto, Catch the Fire and Partners In Harvest

Letting Go of the Need to Be Right is a great book on humility, hunger, and honor by Jeff Dollar, a man who has been a friend for the last fifteen years. You teach what you know, but you reproduce who you are. I am a firm believer you cannot take others where you have not been yourself. Letting Go of the Need to Be Right takes you on a journey to discover the truth about lies that hold you captive. Imagine what your life would look like if you were totally free. An ocean of grace is waiting for the humble.

—Leif Hetland, president, Global Mission Awareness, and author of Call to Reign and Giant Slayers!

Jeff hits the bull’s eye in his book Letting Go of the Need to Be Right. It’s gripping, reaching, and life changing. You will be glad you read this.

—R T Kendall, minister of Westminster Chapel (1977–2002), author, and speaker

I loved reading Jeff Dollar’s engaging book, Letting Go of the Need to Be Right. I promise you, it will be easy to identify with Jeff’s journey, and you’ll love the insights he gives you on authentic humility. This is a great read for couples, leaders … just about everybody! Oh, don’t skip over chapter 9, “Letting Others Win.” This book can change your life!

—Brian Simmons, Passion & Fire Ministries and The Passion Translation Project

I guarantee you will see areas of your life that need the transforming power of the Holy Spirit by reading Jeff’s book Letting Go of the Need to Be Right. I know because I just finished reading it.

—Don Finto, pastor emeritus of Belmont Church and founder of the Caleb Company

Jeff Dollar is a master at letting go of the need to be right! Having worked with him for over ten years, we know him to be one of the meekest people we’ve ever met. What he writes in this book is not theory but workplace-tested truth. We encourage you to read this book and apply its principles. The people you lead will thank you!

—Alyn and A. J. Jones, senior associate pastors, Grace Centers

BroadStreet Publishing® Group, LLC

Savage, Minnesota, USA

BroadStreetPublishing.com

Letting Go of the Need to Be Right: EXPERIENCE THE POWER OF HUMILITY

Copyright © 2019 by Jeff Dollar

978-1-4245-4990-0 (softcover)

978-1-4245-5061-6 (e-book)

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188, USA. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked TPT are from The Passion Translation®. Copyright © 2017, 2018 by BroadStreet Publishing Group, ThePassionTranslation.com. Used by permission. Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Scripture quotations marked ESV are taken from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Copyright © 2000; 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible, © Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. Scripture quotations marked AMP are taken from the Amplified® Bible, copyright © 2015 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. Scripture quotations marked AMPC are taken from the Amplified® Bible (AMPC), Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation Used by permission. www.Lockman.org. Scripture quotations marked NIrV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Reader’s Version®, NIrV® Copyright © 2014, 1998, 1996, 1995 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIrV” and “New International Reader’s Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™ Scripture quotations marked TLB are taken from the THE LIVING BIBLE (TLB): Scripture taken from THE LIVING BIBLE copyright© 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

All italics in Scripture quotations are those of the author and meant to indicate emphasis.

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Cover and interior by Garborg Design at garborgdesign.com

Printed in the United States of America

19 20 21 22 23 5 4 3 2 1

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Foreword

Introduction

1 The Beginning of False Knowledge

2 A Metamorphosis

3 Working from Both Sides of the Desk

4 How to Fail at Business without Really Trying

5 Dark Days Ahead

6 The Dawn

7 God’s Gift

8 Married with Children

9 Letting Others Win

10 Dealing with Your Two Percent

11 The Big Question

12 The Aftershock

13 Celebration, Not Competition

14 Avoiding Self-Promotion

15 Two Rights Don’t Make a Wrong

16 Ring of Power

17 Enter the Messengers

18 Perils of Unbelief

19 The Place of Testing

20 Be Careful How You Listen

21 A Testimony of Letting Go

About the Author

To my wife, Becky, and my children, Bethany and Joel.

Becky, thank you for your patience. I have learned and continue to learn so much from you. You have taught me that the first one to say “I’m sorry” actually wins. You are the kindest person I know. I love you with all my heart.

To Bethany and Joel, you both continue to amaze me. I am so grateful for your tender and forgiving hearts. I am so proud of you both. I love you.

Acknowledgments

This book could not have been written without the help of some very special people:

To my darling wife, Becky. Thank you for the patience you have always shown me. Especially in the years I was learning to let go of the need to be right! To my wonderful children, Bethany and Joel, thank you for your patience and encouragement while I practiced all that’s in this book. You three—more than anyone else—have seen the ugly learning process behind trying to die to self. Thank you for the love, laughter, and support along the way.

Writing a book is a painstaking endeavor that is never a solo activity. Deb, without your help, there would be no book. Literally. To Jessica and Bethany, your hard work in helping me write and rewrite helped more than you know. And many thanks to the BroadStreet Publishing team for their editing, typesetting, and design work.

To my former pastors: Mark and Bev, Dave and Peggy, and Brian and Susan, thank you for making a way for me where there was no way. You recognized something in me, even though I was reluctant to believe it myself, and you consistently encouraged me through my growing pains. I sincerely thank each one of you for this investment. I would not be where I am today without each one of you pouring into my life. Thank you.

Finally, to the incredible staff at Grace Center—thank you for everything you do to make this church such a wonderful place for hosting the presence of God. Thank you for continued encouragement and support. You are a treasure and a gift to me.

Foreword

By Danny Silk

So much about leadership is confidence and discernment. It’s about knowing why you are doing something and knowing when to do it. Did you do the right thing? Was it the right timing? Did you move too quickly? Did you delay too long? It’s often such a risky role. The leadership role requires high levels of confidence and certainty. We practice this intentional, determined posture day in and day out. Nothing less will serve our people well. No one wants an insecure, hesitant, indecisive leader.

Confidence is believing that God can and will accomplish what He has called us to do in life. The result of all this confident leadership practice is momentum. As a result, we build a strong confidence in our own voice. We have an internal rigidity that develops. We start to trust our own voice so much that we begin to bolster our own opinions and desires as more valuable than any others. And, because we have such confidence in our decision consistency, we naturally create a culture of trusting our personal strength: “This company (family, organization, church) is successful because of my rightness.” To challenge the leaders in their rightness is to challenge success and to be disloyal to the strongest part of the organization: the leadership.

As I mentioned before, no one wins with an insecure, hesitant leader, but equally awful is the leader who is impervious to input or feedback. The exact counterbalance to great confidence in a leader is equal amounts of humility. By humility, I mean the attention to learn how other people experience us. We make it a priority to gain this information. Strong, mature leaders welcome input from those around them. They’ve slayed the inner dragons that rise up at opposing views, they’ve learned to honor perspectives they have not yet seen, and they can include information in their decisions that did not originate within them. These leaders are learning, growing, and gaining new information every day—on purpose. We really do not have accurate information about what is going on inside other people until we welcome it, until we ask. Today, maybe more than ever, this a key leadership quality and skill.

We benefit because we now know how to make key adjustments in relationships, conversations, or decisions. Our rightness is more accurate than ever because our information is cleaner and more accurate than ever. Being right doesn’t have to be sacrificed, but having to be the one who is right needs to go.

Jeff Dollar has written a book that I think will help us all on this journey. His speaking from personal experience and showing us what and how to change is both humorous and inspirational. Jeff is a successful leader who is about to invite you into a personal journey of how to grow from the inside out. I’m happy to introduce to you Letting Go of the Need to Be Right, and I highly recommend this book to you. Get out your pen and paper, high-lighter, favorite beverage, and something to wipe your eyes with, because this is going to a hilarious adventure!

Danny Silk

President of Loving on Purpose Life Academy

Author of Keep Your Love On, Powerful and Free,

and Business of Honor

Introduction

When asked why the subject of “letting go of the need to be right” was important enough to be the subject of my first book, I answered, “Because it was a revelatory moment in my life when God shifted my perspective and my paradigm and I found a freedom that I had never known before.”

It opened up a new world for me. Before, I couldn’t hear what people were saying to me because, unknowingly, I had a driving distrust of the messengers that God put in my life because I was looking through the lens of a young man who never measured up. Therefore, it was simple and logical: If people couldn’t see how hard I was trying, if they couldn’t see how much I wanted to please everybody, and if they couldn’t see how badly I wanted to rise up to every expectation and do everything perfectly, why would I trust them to speak into my life? My life had become one of performance. Worth had to be earned. Everybody knew that, right?

When a person, young or old, feels they have no voice, they will ultimately feel they have no worth. That was the internal drive spinning in the back of my heart. And I was completely unaware of it.

So what’s the point of all these stories that I’m about to share? And what does any of it have to do with the need to be right? Well, I discovered that it was the development of this infrastructure of beliefs that were not in alignment with how God feels about me and who He says I am in His Word, that caused within me a desperate need to be right.

I heard Bill Johnson say this: “I cannot afford to have a thought in my head about me that God doesn’t have in His about me.”I did not know that I equated being right with being worthy. I had no idea that my thoughts were so far from His truth. Having said that, what I am trying to do here is to share my journey into that pit of spiritual blindness and show how it happened with such normalcy that I am hoping that maybe, in some way, you can relate.

My friends Betsy and Chester Kylstra, founders of Restoring the Foundations ministry, give an incredible definition and teaching on a harmful belief system that a person develops apart from God’s truth. They call them “ungodly beliefs,” and here the Kylstras briefly describe how they can be formed in a person’s life: “Everyone, to some extent, lives out of wrong beliefs. Ungodly beliefs are ‘lies’ about ourselves, about others, and about God. They are dangerous because they affect all of our perceptions, all of our decisions, and all of our actions. It is easy to see why God wants our minds renewed.”1

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of

this world, but let God transform you into

a new person by changing the way you

think. Then you will know what God wants

you to do, and you will know how good

and pleasing and perfect His will really is.

(Romans 12:2)

What is a belief system? It includes our beliefs, decisions, attitudes, agreements, judgments, expectations, vows, and oaths. Any beliefs that agree with God (His Word, His nature, His character, etc.) are our godly beliefs. Any beliefs that do not agree with God (His Word, His nature, His character, etc.) are ungodly beliefs. Our beliefs affect who we are; how we perceive ourselves; and how we relate to others, to the world around us, and to God. They determine how Christlike we become, and they even determine the quality of our Christian lives. The ungodly beliefs can be like a vise grip, putting tight constraints on our lives, choking out the abundant life that Jesus promised.

•An ungodly belief is a belief or attitude that does not agree with the Word of God, His character, or His nature.

•Beliefs are formed from the facts of our experiences.

•We sometimes inherit wrong beliefs from our families or receive them from our friends or our culture.

•Ungodly beliefs are lies that have been formed in us, often in childhood, about ourselves, about others, and about God. They are formed out of our experiences.

The “perfect” ungodly belief is one that appears to be absolutely true based on the facts of our experience and yet is absolutely false. Even though these beliefs are completely false, most people who think this way do not even realize it. Until an ungodly belief is pointed out to us, we continue on, day after day, living our life based on a lie.

I have reflected on how scarily unaware I was of the lies that developed the filtration system of self-defense and protection that were woven into my life through the development of this subtle yet incredibly powerful belief system that cultivated throughout my journey of failures and successes. The most important part of this, though, was how far I was from being able to walk in the intimacy and power of humility that held the key to the freedom that I didn’t know I needed. So, at the end of each relevant chapter in this book, I have made a list of the ungodly beliefs that developed during that particular part of my life.

Fortunately, God in His kindness and mercy intervened and drew me into a place of tender revelation that was pivotal to my life and destiny. He revealed to me that I was bound up in self-protection, that my self-worth was tied to my need to be right, and that few people lived up to my expectation of what a messenger from God would look like. So thank you for your willingness to walk with me as I once again ponder the pathways in and out of that dark pit of isolation and bondage.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is

within me, bless his holy name … who

redeems your life from the pit, who

crowns you with steadfast love and mercy.

(Psalm 103:1, 4 ESV)

The Way of a Fool

As snow in summer and rain in harvest,

so honor is not fitting for a fool.

Like a flitting sparrow, like a flying swallow,

so a curse without cause shall not alight.

A whip for the horse, and a bridle for a donkey,

and a rod for the fool’s back.

Do not answer a fool according to his folly,

lest you also be like him.

Answer a fool according to his folly,

lest he be wise in his own eyes.

He who sends a message by the hand of a fool

cuts off his own feet and drinks violence.

Like the legs of the lame that hang limp

is a proverb in the mouth of fools.

Like one who binds a stone in a sling

is he who gives honor to a fool.

Like a thorn that goes into the hand of a

drunkard is a proverb in the mouth of fools.

The great God who formed everything gives

the fool his hire and the transgressor his wages.

As a dog returns to his own vomit,

so a fool repeats his folly.

Do you see a man wise in his own eyes?

There is more hope for a fool than for him.

(Proverbs 26 NKJV)

1.Restoring The Foundations, Healing and Freedom (Hendersonville, NC: Restoring the Foundations, 2016), 35.

The Beginning of False Knowledge

Do you remember the first solo drive you took right after you got your driver’s license? I can’t guess whether most people do or don’t, but I remember mine. I went directly from the thrill of victory straight to my first job interview. It was with UPS—an opportunity that my father had arranged. I had no idea at the time that my father had been a rock star with UPS. I knew he had worked there, and I knew he had a bit of influence (enough to put in a good word for his son), but I totally underestimated his stellar performance and reputation.

Sitting in the prospective employee line, I looked around and all my insecurities kept mounting—and mounting. There I was, a smashing six foot two, 130-pound stick of flesh and bones, slouched over and wishing I could bolt. To be totally transparent, I even lied on my application. I created a five-pound lie and I told them I weighed 135 pounds—like that was going to make a huge difference in my appearance and somehow make me more appealing as a potential employee.

Eventually, a gruff man stuck his head out of a room and said, “Which one of these guys is Dollar?” When I stood, I could see his tangible disappointment. You see, his productivity was directly affected by the physical abilities of his crew. He had just inherited a kid who looked like he’d had a bout with rickets.

You didn’t need to have the gift of discernment to see that my new supervisor was sorely disappointed in his new employee. In my opinion, he was by nature rough, harsh, and insensitive. Whether by nature or nurture, this man was my worst nightmare. After my interview was over, one of the first things he said to me was, “Well, I don’t think you’re gonna make it. You just don’t have what it takes to work here.” He sized me up, and I simply didn’t measure up to whatever his expectations were. And all that before I even began.

UPS is an amazing organization. They have to be to meet the expectations of their clientele. Their employees have to memorize zip codes, get thousands of packages delivered in a timely manner, know precisely how to pick up a box, and know how to handle spills, broken boxes, and jammed conveyor belts—just to highlight a few of the responsibilities. And all this has to be done in sweltering heat and freezing cold in an environment of intense pressure.

My first position (yes, I was hired—but only because of the respect my father had gained during his employment there) was as an “unjammer.” I was in a corner, alone, and responsible for … yes, you guessed it, unjamming boxes on the conveyors. When the boxes jammed, all progress was stopped, and it was my responsibility to get things moving again.

That first night on the job was a nightmare. My job was to unjam any boxes that got caught in the conveyor belt junction, and until I could remedy the problem, everything stopped. The pressure of that was overwhelming. Intent to please, I plunged ahead. My eagerness didn’t match my physical capabilities, but my tenacity won. However, my body let me know it did not appreciate this abrupt initiation. My muscles cramped like crazy and I threw up. It was not a stellar first impression.

Nonetheless, the guys at my new workplace began to appreciate my efforts, and yes, there may have been a bit of pure pity involved, but I became like their little brother. And if you’re envisioning the type of big brothers like Wally was to Beaver, you have it wrong. Nope, this was the type that few sitcoms are written about—mainly because you can’t air some of the things that they called me. All that said, I learned to laugh with them and roll with their antics. Actually, I didn’t think I had too many choices if I wanted to continue working there. Few places paid as well as UPS, especially for part-time employees, and that provided an opportunity to for me to work while attending high school. They constantly made me aware of the fact that there were always at least seventeen people ready to take my job.

I began to feel comfortable in the corner because I was away from most people, mainly my supervisor. He had no problem publicly annihilating me. Any time I tried to advance from an “unjammer,” my performance wasn’t good enough, so back to the corner I went.

My supervisor’s rough, harsh manner met my intimidation with a fury, and he won every time. I just buckled and internalized my humiliation. What else was I to do? Whether he was right or wrong in his criticisms really made no difference to me. All I heard were his shouts in front of my new “brothers” that I didn’t measure up and couldn’t do anything right. At the start of my shifts, he would often say, “Good luck, Dollar.” But his tone implied the conclusion, “and you’re gonna need it.” I suspect he was trying to put some fight in me and that he wanted me to prove him wrong, but as hard as I worked to do it, I couldn’t. I was simply filled with a paralyzing fear and doubted myself the whole time.

The physical and mental stress was always a factor in this workplace and, thankfully, not just for me. I watched as many guys just gave up. Even college athletes puked like I did on their first night in the hub. Aside from all the intensity, did I mention that it was always thirty degrees hotter inside the trucks than outside?

All that said, I was eventually promoted out of the corner, and I started to feel a bit more comfortable in my job. My body became used to the work, which was incredibly grueling. I became a “sorter.” I was to sort boxes weighing up to fifty pounds that were being unloaded from a truck, and get them to the right destination. The goal was to unload as many boxes as humanly possible, because management set quotas for each employee to help the area supervisor make sure each of his employees met their hourly goals. Simply put, each employee had to keep up the pace or be fired.