Longings of life - the present - Volume 1 E-Book

Lexa Stein

• Herausgeber: novum pro Verlag
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Seitenzahl: 395

Beschreibung

Lisy has everything she could have wished for: a husband, two wonderful children and a fulfilling job. Even the pandemic can't affect her thriving interior design firm. On a new job, she meets Stefan, the husband of her client. This fateful encounter turns her life upside down and throws her emotions into turmoil. Stefan is a successful lawyer, but not really happy. His flaring interest in Lisy clearly shows him how deadlocked his marriage has become. He feels magically attracted to her and is desperate to find out if it's mutual. While Lisy is in the midst of emotional chaos and her perfect life turns out to be more and more of a facade, Stefan is overtaken by the demons of his past...

Leseprobe

Lexa Stein

This is my first book, how I came to write it is also a mystery to me. I had always felt the desire to put words on paper, but something was always missing, until now ... With this book, I just sat down and wrote, it came so easily to me, it bubbled out of me. The characters developed freely. I didn't know how the book would turn out or how it would end until the very last page. The story developed over time, which I found fascinating. I hope you have as much fun reading it as I had writing it! This is the first book in the trilogy "Present, Past, Future" .

Why do I get so anxious every hour? - Life is short, the day is long. And always the heart longs away, I don't quite know if heavenward; But away it wants to go and go

And wants to flee from itself. And it flies to the breast of the beloved, It rests unconsciously in heaven; The whirl of life tears it away, And always hangs inoneplace; What it wanted, what it lost,

Chapter 1

Lisy

(November 2021)

It's the end of November and although it's still fall, it feels like winter this morning, the temperature is around freezing, I can already feel the cold even though I'm still under my covers in bed. I can't sleep with the windows closed, so whether it's summer or winter, the window is always open at night.

The alarm clock rings, six o'clock, it's time to get up, just too early for me, one hour more would be perfect, but I force myself out of bed anyway, a new day is beginning and I don't want to waste it unnecessarily ...

I always have the same routine and even a small change upsets me. People and their habits, always this search for security and consistency, there they are again, firmly anchored and recurring every day.

My husband and I share the bathroom, we have two washbasins and two mirrors, perfect, we don't get in each other's way and can slowly plan the day and get in the mood. We always have to smile when we look at each other's faces for the first time in the day under the glare of the bathroom light, I have the impression it gets worse every time! Your hair stands on end, your eyes are still full of sleep and the way you walk says everything about your current physical condition, amazing! Fortunately, this is only a moment, because after twenty minutes you feel (half) fresh and alert again (where's my coffee?!). Dear people, ageing is inhuman!

I like it when the house is just waking up, it's still dark outside, the first lights are switched on, the coffee machine is already humming and greets me with its smiling 'hello', my mood lifts instantly. The radio plays the familiar songs and I start singing along. I am not a morning grouch, on the contrary, I would say I welcome the day, because I hate the night, sleeping is a waste of time for me! So ninety-nine percent of the time I'm in a good mood when I get up and that's how it is this morning too!

I have to stick to my plan so that everything runs smoothly and I can leave the house on time. Six forty-five, it's the kids' turn now! Although my boys (fourteen and sixteen) have alarm clocks, I still have to wake them up in the morning. I don't mind though, I love getting them out of their sleep with a "Good Morning!". My children are definitely not like me, they are morning grouches through and through. I have to check a second time until I hear a quiet "Hmmm!", then I'm sure they've noticed my presence. They also have their regular morning routine, so I'd better not interfere, otherwise disaster would be inevitable! All I see is them crawling out of bed like little robots and slowly making their way to the bathroom. That's it!

I briefly hear my husband call out that he's leaving for work and hurry downstairs to see him off. This is a ritual in our house for however long and whenever one of us passes the door, you could say I'm superstitious, and yes, I might even agree here, although I don't usually waste any thought on it. I'm actually a realistic, down-to-earth person with a good dose of crazy. That's how I would describe myself. Aren't we all a bit ...'? You know ...! That's just the way I am, this side is part of me and makes me who I am, I always go through life positively and enjoy this recurring light-heartedness, this 'quardeur de folie', as the French would say!

Now I'm ready and dash out of the house, not without taking one last look at my children. The darkness and the cold are getting to me again. There's already a lot going on on the roads, I've heard that November is the month when most people drive. I get the same impression and wonder how long it will take me to get to work today ... Despite everything, I enjoy this time alone in the car, I can let my thoughts run free, organize the day and review the morning. The radio is on here too and lulls me to sleep with its music, it only plays in the background, just enough for me to notice it, but it doesn't interrupt my train of thought. I have my coffee mug with me and am happy to sip from it at every red light, the lively liquid spreads a warmth through me and I notice how I become more and more alert. On the streets in the morning, you usually come across two categories of people: The slugs who can't seem to move from their spot and stubbornly maintain their fifty kilometers per hour, even though the seventy kilometers per hour sign was there long ago, and then the bunnies who can't wait to arrive at work, how they get there doesn't seem to matter to them, because they take all the risks. I don't feel like I belong to either category, I'd say I'm right in the middle, because I'm not overconfident: 'Hello, I'm looking out for my life' (including the lives of others), but I'm not too careful either, the snails make me rather frantic. This morning I am unfortunately at the mercy of a snail, I can't overtake it because the roads are full. I watch the minutes tick by, my good mood threatens to tip over, I become an animal. Doesn't he have a gas pedal? Am I supposed to push him to get him going ...? Oh man, I'm going to be late for work! It's like playing roulette every morning, you never know what to expect. So every day I'm full of hope that today might be better than yesterday ...

At this pace, there's only one thing I can do to make sure I don't arrive completely exhausted: switch off! So now I notice how some people have already decorated their houses, I even have to laugh now and again when I see how tacky it sometimes looks. The battle of the lights has begun, the competition is fierce! The stores are already opening and the first people are getting fresh bread rolls for the day. I spot an old lady here and there behind the curtains, how lonely can she be? If she's already passing the time watching the cars so early in the morning. It's not unusual for me to get a glimpse of people's lives for a moment, especially how they are furnished. I wouldn't call myself a voyeur, but I find it fascinating and exciting at the same time to take a little peek into other people's lives, to steal a tiny moment, to sense a little emotion.

It's half past seven, the station reports the news, I listen briefly, I already know what's coming, case numbers are going up dramatically! Crazy times! For a good two years now, we've been living with the 'pause' button pressed, everyone holding their breath and waiting to see if the news that will give us back our freedom will come at some point. But it hasn't come, not even today ... The pandemic has us firmly in its grip. It's strange, I can hardly remember what it was like 'before', before March seventeenth, two thousand and twenty, before the first lockdown! How easy life was, how carefree. You only realize it when the ease is gone. Although I'm not really a party person and I can count my friends on one hand, this time is starting to get to me. I feel the constant pressure on my shoulders, this sword of Damocles, as I like to call it. Always thinking, when will it hit me? Now, once again, we have to limit all contact. I sigh out loud to myself, we wanted to celebrate New Year's Eve with friends, is Corona going to throw a spanner in the works again? In the past, the word pandemic was a foreign concept, none of us could imagine what such an outbreak would entail. In the Middle Ages, a pandemic was commonplace, they were also on a large scale, but not like today, when everyone travels. Today it is unstoppable, in the past you burned down the affected town, that was it. Today, you can only appeal to the mind of each individual. Are we in the middle of it or just at the beginning? Nobody knows. I always think of the children, they won't have it easy in a society like this. Social life will be more difficult.

All this comes to mind as I drive to work. I quickly park in front of the building where my office is located. I'm happy to see my colleagues, the day can begin!

***

I love my work! Really, I really enjoy it! I work as an interior designer in the city of Düsseldorf. There's a lot to do, because this industry is really booming! As people can no longer travel as they wish, they are starting to think about their homes and many are asking for help to renovate their homes. The best thing about it, I think, is the versatility this work brings, plus I can let my creativity run wild. The customer contact is also not to be sneezed at, I love communicating directly with customers, the exchange is important to me, you learn so much! Every day is different, because every situation is different and occasionally brings anecdotes with it. Sometimes embarrassing situations also arise ...

***

Well, this morning my colleague and I have an appointment in the city center with a lady who wants to open shortly before Christmas. As the complete interior design is still missing, she needs support. It's no ordinary store, the lady sells stones, yes, that's right, stones! Fossils and crystals of all kinds. She has turned her passion into her profession, she also gives seminars and passes on her knowledge. So far I have only been in contact with her by phone, because in the current situation and the daily deterioration of the situation, we are not allowed to visit customers directly for the time being. Only when we have the order will the ruleon both sides be two G+, i.e. recovered or vaccinated, and also tested so that each of us can move around freely. It's inconvenient and customers are sometimes annoyed, but they usually understand. An appointment can take up to three hours, depending on what still needs to be done on site. Because if the customer doesn't have the dimensions of their property, we have to measure everything.

***

Fortunately, this lady has already sent us the details and a few photos. The store is quite small, but spacious. You can make a lot out of it, it will be an interesting project, I'm already looking forward to it!

The appointment is at ten o'clock, so we leave at nine. There's nothing worse than arriving late. I let the navigation system show me the way, I don't want to take any risks. My colleague is chattering away happily as usual, telling me how exciting her life is, she seems to be happy with her current boyfriend! I like her, she's always in a good mood and has a great sense of humor. We get on really well, and not just at work. We laugh a lot about the events of our everyday lives, we go out together regularly, I can talk to her about anything, she's a good listener.

***

We are finally there, what a ride! We park in the parking garage around the corner, there's no other way to find a space in this city. On the way to the boutique, we take a look at the surroundings, the shop windows of others, take a look at the nearby stores to get an impression of the area and to round off our idea, because the store should stand out, be smart. After all, customers should feel comfortable in the premises. Ms. Schmitt is already waiting for us at the entrance. She is small, elegant, very friendly and I would estimate her to be in her mid-fifties. After a brief greeting and the usual showing of our sanitary pass and tests, she shows us around the store. At the same time, she tells us what she has in mind. What we didn't know was that she has a room at the very back, behind a curtain, where she would like to set up her studio and give seminars and lectures. We take a close look at everything and start sketching out plans in our minds. Emilie, my colleague, has already taken out her notepad. She starts measuring. We always have the same process, at some point I drew up a questionnaire that we always have with us. We start with general questions like 'What are your favorite colors? Which materials and fabrics do you prefer?

***

After two hours we are finished and have a lot of input in our luggage. It will look fantastic in the end!

Our next appointment is at 2 p.m., so we still have a little time for lunch before we find ourselves in the chaos of the streets. Over lunch, we briefly go through our notes and add anything else we can think of here and there. Back in the car, Emilie takes out the next folder and starts reading out the information we have about the next property. It's in Meerbusch in the luxury area, as I call it. It's a private house, three hundred square meters in size. Mrs. van der Falk contacted us on the recommendation of one of her friends for whom we worked two years ago. I always find that very satisfying, it gives me a good feeling that I'm doing the right thing after all and making people happy. Anyway, as we turn into the street indicated, we are blown away by the architecture of the houses. One house is more beautiful than the next, they all gleam. We are full of admiration!

Then I see the house number ... "Wow!" I say enthusiastically. They must have a gardener, is my first thought. The couple want to redesign the first floor, I'm very excited to see what awaits me and Emilie is already shifting nervously in her seat.

We get out of the car and can't stop being amazed, they've come up with something, it's very beautiful, well-kept, has style, not overdone. A mixture of modernity and romance, great! When we get to the door, we put on our masks, check our names again and I put my finger on the bell. A beautiful melody plays, then the door opens and there he is!

I hadn't expected to meet a man who would sweep me off my feet. I feel taken by surprise. I look at the man, our eyes meet, I suddenly feel hot, my hands get wet and I feel a tingling sensation in my stomach ... Oh God! When was the last time I felt this sensation? It's definitely been ages. This moment seems like an eternity, I only catch a brief glimpse of Emilie starting to explain to him what we're here for and that we have an appointment with Mrs. van der Falk. He slowly turns his head towards Emilie and seems surprised, apparently he didn't know about the appointment. I finally find my voice again and ask him if his wife is there, if we are inconvenienced, we would of course make a new appointment.

"Not at all, ladies!" He looks directly at me.

He is tall, I would estimate him at one meter ninety, has dark hair and, oh my God, such beautiful green eyes! I could lose myself in them, I have to admonish myself strongly!

What's wrong with you? You're married. He's obviously married too, stop it ...He invites us in, but we have to go past him, we're still wearing our masks.

Hmm, he smells so good ... I'm so embarrassed to have these thoughts, I notice the blush running down my face and, what can I say, he notices. He smiles at me! Oh my! My knees go weak. I really have to pull myself together, I can't go on like this.

Next year is my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, I remember, and I hold on to it like an anchor, struggling for composure.

The entrance area of the house is gigantic, in the middle of it is a staircase leading upstairs. The kitchen is on the left, he shows us the way, we follow, I am busy organizing my thoughts, so many impressions and they are not only due to the house! The kitchen is spacious and is open to a fantastic dining area and an impressive living room. There's that mixture of modern, romantic and now antique again. I wouldn't want to change anything, it's already well coordinated and it looks fantastic! I'm about to express my opinion when I notice a movement at my side, he's standing next to me and watching me, I immediately feel like a schoolgirl again who has just found her prince.

"Do you like what you see?" he asks me, his eyes fixed on me.

You bet it does! I open my mouth, but nothing comes out, Emilie replies cheerfully, as she always does: "It looks fantastic!" She doesn't even notice how embarrassed I am.

But he notices, nods in satisfaction and turns away from me. What an idiot I am.

A clearing of the throat makes me flinch briefly ... I turn around and there she is, Mrs. van der Falk, beautiful, blonde, blue eyes, like something out of a fashion magazine, only there's something about her that makes me uncomfortable. It sends shivers down my spine. She looks at me cold as ice.

Oh dear! It's not going to be easy with her. She greets us, her voice is clear, strong, a touch too high, I would say. She glares at her husband. I notice the tension between them. He holds her gaze until she turns away from him. He leaves the room and I notice how the connection that had strangely formed between us after such a short time is severed. I shiver and am left with a feeling of unease, which I quickly try to push aside. I have a job to do here, I remind myself again.

Emilie hasn't noticed anything, she is so fascinated by the beauty of the house that she doesn't even notice everything around her, she is in her element, in her bubble. Now she has also turned to Mrs. van der Falk and starts asking her the usual questions. The owner shows us the first floor and explains how she would like it to look. She wants everything to be modern, she doesn't likethe old furniture,as she calls it, they are heirlooms from her husband's family, and for her taste they don't fit in at all. She wants it bright, preferably all white, lots of metal, white furs and carpets. Practical cupboards or sideboards in high gloss. I understand what she has in mind, the direction she wants to go in, I just think it's a shame that the house will lose its coziness and sense of security as a result.

So I try to explain this to her, but she doesn't like it at all. She says that if I can't get involved with my customers' wishes, then I could go straight back to the door. Bitch! Who's the professional here?

"Elena, I think Mrs. Anderson is right, why don't you just listen to these experts, they have much more experience in this area than you do, that's why you sent for them, isn't it?" her husband intervenes.

He's just come out of a room in the far corner of the house. My stomach tingles again and the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, he stands behind me, I feel that connection again, how can it be? I mean, I know that every now and then people can exert a certain attraction, but this is completely beyond my comprehension.

I just hear myself saying: "Mrs. van der Falk, I absolutely understand you, we are always careful to respect the wishes of our customers, we are also there to inform and advise our customers if we notice that their wishes do not optimally match the property; if you are not satisfied with our work, you always have the option to cancel in the pre-phase. Perhaps you would like to think about it again and consult with your husband before we start?"

"Don't tell me what to do and what not to do!" she hisses at me.

Emilie's puzzled look alternates between me and Mrs. van der Falk. I calmly gather my things and head for the exit. My colleague looks at me in amazement because she's never seen me like this before. I don't want to cause any more trouble and I already feel so uncomfortable. I just want to leave. Mrs. van der Falk didn't expect my reaction and looks at me for a moment, puzzled.

"Where are you going?" she asks somewhat gruffly.

"We're leaving, Ms. van der Falk, there's no way I'm going to let you talk to my colleague or me like that!" I counter calmly.

I turn around and leave them standing there. With Emilie at my heels and Mr. van der Falk following behind, we reach the door. As I reach for the handle, I feel his hand grasp mine. A wildfire makes its way through my veins and makes me freeze for a moment. I take my hand back and look at him suspiciously. Those eyes! How can you stay calm at the sight of them? He smiles like a star and I can't help but smile.

"I have to apologize for my wife, she must be having a bad day!" he says kindly.

I have to giggle for a moment, yes, giggle! How impossible!

"I'll get back to you," he then says.

"Do you need my phone number?" I ask him.

"No need, I already have them." He grins at me.

I look at him in surprise, because I had only had dealings with his wife, I can't imagine that she had given him my number, and he gave the impressionthathe didn't know about our appointment! But I don't say anything back and leave, Emilie still following me. Onlynow do I realize that she has said absolutely nothing for the last quarter of an hour. It's not her style at all. I look at her, she's pale and looks funny.

***

"Emilie? Are you all right?" We've just got into the car. She turns to me. "What was that, please? Do you know this guy?" she asks me excitedly.

Now I'm really surprised, because I thought she would come up with Mrs. van der Falk's behavior. I didn't know that she had overheard anything between me and him. Shit, I thought wrong!

I don't let my nervousness show and answer cheekily: "What do you mean? It was a disaster just now, she's a real bitch. It's annoying that we lost so much time because of a chick like that!"

I'm really angry and frustrated, because we can kiss the job goodbye now.

"Well, somehow I can understand the woman, her husband must have had his eye on you, you couldn't miss the crackling between you, the room was full of electricity!" she states, making a large movement with her hands to give her words more power.

It seems like it was my fault that the project failed!

"Now you're exaggerating, I've seen him for the first time in my life, admittedly he's attractive, but hello? I'm married and happy with my husband. It seems to me that he tends to attack anything female. She seems to know him well there, hence the tension between them, but please leave me out of it, I have nothing to do with it!"

For me, the conversation is over, I have nothing more to add.

But Emilie disagrees: "Don't you think it's funny how he approached you? And your reaction to it? I've never seen you so embarrassed!"

She didn't miss that either. Oh boy! How embarrassing!

"Listen," I say. "I don't want to worry about it now, let's go back to the office and get started on the first project, shall we? That's the priority now, I guarantee you we won't be hearing from these people again."

If there had been a fly in the car, we would have heard it at that moment. Neither of us says anything, lost in thought, we don't even notice that it has started to snow. Winter is setting in! It's slowly getting dark again, the display shows sixteen o'clock. I hate winter with its cold, its darkness. I feel like I'm falling into a hole right now, after today's events and all the excitement, this silence feels eerie and oppressive. I'm the first to break the silence.

"I'm sorry I was so rude to you, it wasn't intentional, the afternoon went kind of badly ...!" I say in a conciliatory tone.

"Already forgotten!" She smiles at me. "Shall we go for a drink together?" she asks me.

I'm never really very spontaneous, but I feel like I have to make up for something here, so I'm going to say yes. I'll give Tom, my husband, a quick call from work and let him know that I'll be home a little late tonight. It's never a problem with us, we have absolute trust in each other and don't make a big deal out of it if one of us wants to go out with friends. Next year we'll have been married for twenty-five years, I realize once again, for the second time today! That's amazing! I was only twenty-three years old when he asked me to marry him. We met for the first time at a party at a friend's house, there was an instant spark between us, we were so close straight away, soul mates I always say, and now I have to smile, I feel at peace with myself again.

Emilie looks at me.

"Everything all right? What are you thinking about? You look like you're holding your favorite food in your hands right now!" she says cheerfully.

I laugh: "Yes, something like that ...!".

We are here.

***

We are now sitting together at a quiet table in our favorite café.

"Well, girls? What would you like?"

Yannick, the owner, is as charming as ever, we have known each other for five years now, actually since we helped him renovate the premises, and are now, I would say, friends. We hit it off straight away, the chemistry is right, purely as friends of course. Yannick is more into men, which is a real shame for the female sex because he looks fantastic, he could even be a model. We always listen with rapt attention when he starts talking about his love life, it's anything but boring!

"I'll have a latte macchiato," I say.

Emilie takes a cappuccino, Yannick has a quick chat with us, then he leaves to prepare our drinks.

Emilie then says: "It's almost Christmas, another month, how quickly time flies!"

"What are you doing at Christmas and New Year's Eve? Are you with your family?" I ask curiously.

Emilie is not married, lives alone, but has recently met someone. She has no children, hasn't found the right partner yet, she's in her mid-thirties and still has some time. Her new man is a pilot with a prestigious company, an absolutely great catch, she knows, and I notice that he means something to her, unlike her previous affairs.

We've been working together for almost ten years, she's a real gem! I'm still very happy to have her with me.

"Do you think your new crush will spend the days with you? Have you planned anything yet?" I ask her.

"No, we don't know exactly yet, maybe we'll just fly away for the days and leave all this trouble behind us, you know Christmas isn't mine!" she replies.

"Wow, you've never been this far with a man before, am I mistaken, or are you really serious about him?"

"Oh!"

A smile plays around her lips, her eyes take on a dreamy look. She continues: "He makes me happy, you know, he understands me and accepts me for who I am. We may have only been together for three months!"

Three months already! I didn't know that and I'm actually surprised, because it's never lasted longer than a few weeks with her, she continues: "I feel comfortable with him and he's serious about me."

"What do you mean, what do you mean by that?"

"Well, yes! He asked me if I wanted to move in with him," she says sheepishly.

"Oh, wow! That's fantastic Emilie, I'm so happy for you, when is the move?"

Now it's getting exciting!

"I don't know yet, I told him I still have to think about it, we haven't known each other that long ... and ... I'm scared. What if we don't get on after all and I have to move again after a few weeks, it's nice the way it is at the moment, can't it stay like this for now and we'll see if it really works?"

"I understand your concerns, I probably wouldn't feel any differently, but you're right, he's probably serious about you, and that's nice, you should get involved with your feelings and maybe just store a few things with him for now, you don't have to give up your apartment straight away, that way you still have the option of moving back if you have to," I suggest to her.

"That's a great idea! Why didn't I think of it right away? Yes, I'll offer him that, because I really want to try it with him, I've never had that feeling before, you know?"

"That's wonderful, I'm sure he'll be happy that you're not turning down his offer completely, that's a great alternative! And now for Christmas?" I ask again.

"We'll decide spontaneously, but we're planning to spend the days together, he's off too, so ..."

"Sounds good!" I say, genuinely happy for her.

Spontaneity! It's definitely not for me, I always have to have everything organized and planned well in advance. Tom already tells me that I'm getting sick of it, but he's happy when everything is in the bag and he doesn't have any nasty surprises! So ...

We talk about this and that for a while and then the conversation drifts back to the events of the day.

"The house was already great and the furnishings first! Unbelievable, I can't understand why she wanted to throw it all out!"

There it was again, Emilie talking about Mrs. van der Falk. I remain silent for the time being, in thought.

"What's wrong with you?" she asks.

She looks directly at me: "Every time we broach the subject, you're like a different person!"

"You know that feeling when you look at your life and realize that the excitement, the anticipation, that tingling sensation that makes a young relationship special is gone? It happens gradually, you don't really notice it, only now. This feeling was suddenly there again today, and what bothers me is that it wasn't because of my husband ..."

I look up at her so guiltily, she looks at me in shock, her mouth wide open.

"Close your mouth, Emilie, it's not that tragic", I try to reassure her. "It happens to everyone."

But it doesn't work, as I have now discovered:

"No, no, no, don't give me that, I know you, I want to know everything down to the last detail!"

"There's nothing more to tell, he's married, I'm married, that's it, it's bad enough that I felt anything at all, it's probably because of all the stress we're under at the moment."

"What kind of stress? With Tom?"

"No, I'm not stressed with Tom, I just mean it's busy at the moment, there's always a lot to do at the end of the year, you know what I mean...?"

"If I'm honest, no, I don't know. It's busy every year around this time. But you never told me you had a crush on a guy!"

"I haven't fallen in love either, are you crazy? It's not like I'm directly in love just because I find someone attractive and appealing! Come on, let's talk about something else now, because there's no sequel."

"Whether you're right remains to be seen. He wanted to get in touch with you, didn't he?" she says mischievously.

"It was just a polite phrase, nothing more, so, now END!"

Chapter 2

Stefan

(November 2021)

The atmosphere was anything but relaxed. The hostility with which Elena met me in the afternoon still lingers. The two women from the interior design firm Anderson & Co. have just walked through the door when she starts.

"Can you please tell me what that was all about?" she asks angrily.

"If you mean why I apologized to the ladies on your behalf, it's only proper, Elena! What's gotten into you? Why did you get so angry?"

My answer makes her furious, I already know what she's getting at, but I don't want to give her the satisfaction. I know her so well and I know exactly what makes her tick, it's been like this between us for years. I have to admit that I even enjoy tormenting her. She's not stupid, of course she's noticed that I'm attracted to Mrs. Anderson, but I don't want to admit it. I realize that I don't want to admit it to myself either, I still can't put my finger on what happened.

She screams at me: "You were panting like a dog after its bone at Mrs. Anderson's, it's just disgusting and embarrassing, Stefan!" She is beside herself.

"I would call it something else, but yes, she is an attractive woman and a very pleasant person to boot, which is more than I can say for you lately!"

Did I really say that? Oh dear! That definitely did it, Elena has gone pale, she's in a rage.

"How dare you? We're married!" she spits in my face.

She would love to go for my throat, I can tell by the look on her face. Here we are again, this situation has been happening so often lately, I'm also constantly slipping out insulting words that I throw at her, on the one hand I'm sorry, but on the other I can't help it. It's no longer possible to talk to each other properly and there are definitely too many issues between us. Still, I shouldn't have said something like that.

But I'm really fed up with it today, I'd really like to just pack up and leave. Thinking that makes me realize that it would actually be the solution to our problems! Mrs. Anderson has triggered something in me, I can't put it into words yet. But I don't want to worry about it for now, the fact is that Elena and I lost each other a long time ago. When did it start? I can no longer say. When I think back to earlier times, I realize how happy we were, we didn't have much, but we had each other and it was enough, for the time being. Then came our careers, she was determined to achieve something, she was always very ambitious. She is now the proud head of a company and really thrives in her job, she is very successful. I became a lawyer, I'm good at it, but it was never my priority.

I wanted to have children with her, start a family, but she always put me off because her career was simply more important. I could understand it, but I never really accepted it, I realize that now, but I still went along with it, I loved her and thought to myself, the main thing is that we're happy, we have each other, we still have time! Until ... yes, until now! Where has the time gone?

I don't know if that's what's putting a strain on our marriage, we can't even exchange two sentences without going at each other's throats.

She looks so fragile now, so worn down, she's sitting on the sofa with her head in her hands, I don't know, is she crying? Suddenly she lifts her head, her eyes full of sorrow.

"What happened to us?" she asks between two sobs.

"What do you mean?"

"How did we get to this point? We loved each other, we had a good marriage and now...?"

She seemed to be having the same train of thought as I was.

"Well, that's just the way it is, people change, evolve, and on top of that we're always busy and hardly ever see each other. We've grown apart, Elena, that's how I see it."

My voice is cool and firm, although I feel anything but confident.

"Is that what you're missing? The time together, or is it the lack of children?"

I'm surprised now, I didn't think she would bring up the subject of children. I don't know myself if this is the problem, I feel so empty.

I just hear myself saying: "Maybe it used to be a problem and yes, I would still like it to be, but it's too late for that now, we're both over forty! Besides, I think our problem lies elsewhere, we are so different, we have no common interests at all!"

I have distanced myself from her more and more over the years, she has now become a stranger to me and I can no longer feel what I used to feel for her.

"A lot has just changed, we've changed and so have my feelings towards you, I'm sorry about that, but I can't deny it anymore, I don't love you anymore, Elena!"

There it was, I've now dropped the bombshell, how will she react? I don't even dare look at her, her voice is trembling, she's struggling with herself, I can feel it.

"How? What...? Do you want to break up? Is that what you want to tell me now?" she whines.

I have never seen her so fragile, she is pale and has tears in her eyes. But I only feel ... pity! Nothing more, how cruel, we've spent so many years together, shared a bed, lived in a house, and all I feel is pity for her? I have to come to terms with it myself, I didn't realize that things were so bad between us.

I hear myself add: "Yes, Elena, we should go our separate ways from now on, because there's no point in carrying on like this. I just don't want it anymore, I've only just realized that. I don't feel anything for you anymore, I'm sorry, but I can't control it. I don't want to fool you anymore, I don't want to hurt you, but it had to be said now. There's just one thing you need to know, I'm sure you feel differently, but I've never cheated on you, Elena, loyalty has always been very important to me. I admit that I liked to flirt from time to time, but it never went any further. Only today, what I felt is new to me, it's not an act, it's a fact. I don't know whether it's because of this woman or whether it would have gone either way. But it's there, this feeling that we're not getting anywhere in our relationship. I don't feel like investing any more energy in it. I realize that it's time for me to move on before we hurt each other even more."

I've never revealed myself to her like this before, maybe that's what we've been missing. I don't know, it doesn't matter, it's over now, I'm not going to fix it. Especially not after the feelings that Ms Anderson triggered in me.

I became more and more aware that this woman had touched me to the core, as if we already knew each other. I was suddenly full of longing, I didn't think such a feeling was possible anymore, I really thought it was normal when the tingling, the tension in a committed relationship is gone, then deep love and intimacy follow. But Elena and I don't have this love, this security. So it was all the more surprising for me when Ms. Anderson came through the door and literally blew me away.

"Wait, do I understand correctly, you want to give up our marriage because of this chick?" she asks angrily.

"It has nothing to do with her, our marriage is already broken! When was the last time we were affectionate with each other? When did we go out together, do things together? Can't you see that? You'd rather be out with your colleagues and friends than with me! What we pretend every day is a farce!" I say loudly.

"I'm stunned, I can't even realize what you're saying right now, I ... I ... That stupid hooker! If I get my hands on her."

The tears are now running down her cheeks, she looks like a little girl, broken but defiant, and even then I can't feel anything but pity. I don't respond to her words either, she's angry and I can understand that. I can't look at this anymore and just have to get out of the room.

"You and I, we just need time to process all this, I don't want to rush things either, just ... my mind is made up, Elena. I can't go back, it's not a whim, it's real. Sorry, but I just have to get out now ..."

I leave the room, get dressed quickly and go through the front door before she can react. Now, outside in the darkness and cold, I suddenly feel paralyzed, I don't know where to go, I just know I have to get away.

I take the car and drive around. I need a place where I can organize my thoughts in peace, where I can calm down. I notice how my hands are shaking slightly, so it has taken more out of me than I thought.

I experience the drive like a dream, only now do I realize that I've turned into my brother's street. He lives not far from us at home, 'us' no longer exists. God, what have I done? I park on the side and look around, the street is quiet, a few lights on the houses here and there. My brother's lights are also on and the car is parked in the driveway, so he's home.

What time is it? I've completely forgotten the time, eighteen thirty, already? You must be preparing dinner for the family.

My brother, Robert, has what I will never have again, two wonderful children. He is slightly older than me, two years separate us, and he is the CEO of a prestigious company. His wife, Maggy, is pretty, kind, patient and a great listener. She works in a center for mentally ill children. Their children, Lina and Ben, fourteen and sixteen, are wonderful, I love them both. I love spoiling them, spending time with them. We used to be very close, my brother and I, we did a lot together. He's known his wife since childhood, they were at school together.

I met Elena later, during my studies at a party, she was the prettiest girl I had ever seen. I fell in love with her straight away, it was probably mutual, in any case we became a couple shortly afterwards and it was clear to us at the time that we would get married at some point. Only the topic of family had always been a point of contention, we didn't visit my brother so often because she was uncomfortable, and she was always annoyed by the usual questions: 'When are you going to have children? Later: 'Why don't you want any?

I kept trying to back her up and support her opinion, even though I thought otherwise, but where did it get us? Would it have changed anything if I had reacted earlier, if I had dared to broach the subject?

Our love was more important to me back then, I didn't see the time passing, I was caught up in my routine. Maybe things would have turned out differently, but maybe not. I lift my head, it's getting cold in the car, Robert is standing in front of me, a bin bag in his hand, he looks at me in bewilderment, I open the door.

"Hi!" he says. "What are you doing here and how long have you been here?"

"Hi, brother, I don't know, honestly, can I come in with you?" I ask hopefully.

"Sure! The children will be happy to see Uncle Stefan again, it's been a while since we last saw you!" He frowns: "Are there any problems?"

I could never hide anything from him, I was always an open book for him.

"Let's go inside first..." he says.

Chapter 3

Lisy

(November 2021)

The meeting with Emilie did me good, we ate something after all and I didn't even notice that it was getting late, only when Emilie got a call from her 'Mr. Right' did I look at my cell phone. To my horror, I realized that it was already twenty o'clock!