Marriage (Repackage) E-Book

Paul David Tripp

• Herausgeber: Crossway
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2021

Beschreibung

Updated with Two Bonus Chapters When you say "I do," you begin the journey of a lifetime— and you have dreams of that journey being perfect. But it won't take long for expectations of the perfect marriage to fade away in the struggles of everyday life. A long-term, vibrant marriage needs to be grounded in something sturdier than romance—it needs the life-changing power of the gospel. In this rebranded edition of What Did You Expect?, popular author and pastor Paul David Tripp encourages couples to make six biblical commitments to the Lord and to one another. These commitments, which include a lifestyle of confession and forgiveness, building trust, and appreciating differences, will equip couples to cultivate thriving, joy-filled marriages built on Christ. 

Leseprobe

Thank you for downloading this Crossway book.

Sign up for the Crossway Newsletter for updates on special offers, new resources, and exciting global ministry initiatives:

Crossway Newsletter

Or, if you prefer, we would love to connect with you online:

“Noël and I listened to most of this book driving in the car! Wise words. Authentic experience. Provocative application. Turned a long trip into a fruitful two-person marriage seminar.”

John Piper, Chancellor of Bethlehem College and Seminary, Minneapolis, Minnesota

“When Paul Tripp teaches, preaches, or writes he does so through the lens of the gospel. In Marriage, Paul faithfully and brilliantly lets the gospel bear its weight on the messiness and beauty of marriage. I, personally, found the book to be helpful, and we use it extensively at The Village.”

Matt Chandler, Lead Pastor of Teaching, The Village Church, Dallas, Texas

“At once deeply theological and practically relevant, this is one of the top books on marriage I have ever read. Paul Tripp allows readers to examine marriage through a biblical lens so that we understand how God can graciously heal our hurting homes. As a pastor, I will implore our people to read this book as soon as it is available.”

Chris Brauns, author, Unpacking Forgiveness; Pastor, The Red Brick Church, Stillman Valley, Illinois

“What I’ve come to expect from Paul Tripp is consistently deep, transparent, biblical, wise, practical, gospel-driven counsel. Rather than muddying the water with self-focused strategies designed to meet our ever-multiplying needs, Paul, as the seasoned soul-physician he is, correctly diagnoses our problems and provides the cure—humble faith in Jesus Christ. I wasn’t disappointed. You won’t be either.”

Elyse M. Fitzpatrick, counselor; speaker; author, Give Them Grace

“Paul Tripp brings many years of counseling, growth as a husband, and deepening discovery of the liberating power of grace to this realistic and challenging guide to God’s engagement in redeeming marriages that are threatened by complacency, misunderstanding, and selfishness. The Bible’s message of the humbling and healing power of Christ’s mercy and the powerful presence of his Spirit in our homes comes through loud and clear. The daily practicality of gospel doctrine is made crystal clear by Tripp’s transparency about his personal missteps in becoming a Christ-reflecting husband and the many examples of couples who have discovered that they are sinners married to sinners. But that the third, divine Party in marriage gives hope and change when unrealistic expectations are shattered and when we confront our sin. But be warned: Tripp’s diagnostic questions are downright uncomfortable. Even those with strong marriages by God’s grace will find their deep tendencies toward self-coronation challenged!”

Dennis E. Johnson, Professor of Practical Theology, Westminster Seminary, California

“Paul Tripp issues a challenge for couples to roll up their sleeves, get to work, and do what it takes to build a God-honoring relationship. He presents six commitments for couples to make, and contained within each is insightful, practical, and effective advice on how to construct a loving, growing, grace-soaked marriage.”

Mary A. Kassian, Professor of Women’s Studies, The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary; author, Growing Grateful

Marriage

Other books by Paul David Tripp

A Quest for More: Living for Something Bigger Than You

Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide for Parenting Teens (Resources for Changing Lives)

Awe: Why It Matters for Everything We Think, Say, and Do

Broken-Down House: Living Productively in a World Gone Bad

Come, Let Us Adore Him: A Daily Advent Devotional

Dangerous Calling: Confronting the Unique Challenges of Pastoral Ministry

Forever: Why You Can’t Live without It

Grief: Finding Hope Again

How People Change (with Timothy S. Lane)

Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change (Resources for Changing Lives)

Journey to the Cross: A 40-Day Lenten Devotional

Lead: 12 Gospel Principles for Leadership in the Church

Lost in the Middle: Midlife and the Grace of God

My Heart Cries Out: Gospel Meditations for Everyday Life

New Morning Mercies: A Daily Gospel Devotional

Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles That Can Radically Change Your Family

Redeeming Money: How God Reveals and Reorients Our Hearts

Sex in a Broken World: How Christ Redeems What Sin Distorts

Shelter in the Time of Storm: Meditations on God and Trouble

Suffering: Eternity Makes a Difference (Resources for Changing Lives)

Suffering: Gospel Hope When Life Doesn’t Make Sense

Teens and Sex: How Should We Teach Them? (Resources for Changing Lives)

War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles (Resources for Changing Lives)

Whiter Than Snow: Meditations on Sin and Mercy

Marriage

6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make

Paul David Tripp

Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make

Copyright © 2021 by Paul David Tripp

Published by Crossway 1300 Crescent Street Wheaton, Illinois 60187

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher, except as provided for by USA copyright law. Crossway® is a registered trademark in the United States of America.

Cover Design: Jordan Singer

First printing 2021

Previously published in 2010, 2012, 2015 as What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

Printed in the United States of America

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked ASV are from the American Standard Version of the Bible.

Scripture quotations marked NASB are from The New American Standard Bible®. Copyright © The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995. Used by permission.

Scripture references marked NIV are from The Holy Bible: New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

All emphases in Scripture quotations have been added by the author.

ISBN-13: 978-1-4335-7310-1 ePub ISBN: 978-1-4335-7647-8 PDF ISBN: 978-1-4335-7645-4 Mobipocket ISBN: 978-1-4335-7646-1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Tripp, Paul David, 1950- author.

Title: Marriage : 6 gospel commitments every couple needs to make / Paul David Tripp.

Other titles: What did you expect?

Description: Wheaton, Illinois : Crossway, 2021. | Revised edition of: What did you expect? Wheaton, Ill. : Crossway Books, c2010. | Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2020032465 (print) | LCCN 2020032466 (ebook) | ISBN 9781433573101 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781433576454 (pdf) | ISBN 9781433576461 (mobi) | ISBN 9781433576478 (epub)

Subjects: LCSH: Marriage—Religious aspects—Christianity.

Classification: LCC BV835 .T75 2021 (print) | LCC BV835 (ebook) | DDC 248.8/44—dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020032465

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020032466

Crossway is a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

2021-03-09 11:44:10 AM

There aren’t many couples who are graced by having such fine examples go before them.

Thanks, Tedd and Margy, for giving us a living example of how to live in marriage God’s way.

Contents

Preface to the 2021 Edition

1  What Did You Expect?

2  Reason to Continue

3  Whose Kingdom?

4  Day by Day

Commitment 1: We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness.

5  Coming Clean: Confession

6  Canceling Debts

Commitment 2: We will make growth and change our daily agenda.

7  Pulling Weeds

8  Planting Seeds

Commitment 3: We will work together to build a sturdy bond of trust.

9  Sticking Out Your Neck

10  Someone to Be Trusted

Commitment 4: We will commit to building a relationship of love.

11  All You Need Is Love

12  Ready, Willing, and Waiting

Commitment 5: We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.

13  Amazing Grace

14  Before Dark

Commitment 6: We will work to protect our marriage.

15  Eyes Wide Open

16  On Your Knees

17  Worship, Work, and Grace

Special to the 2021 Edition

18  The Gospel, Your Marriage, and Sex (Bonus Chapter)

19  Ask Paul Tripp about Your Marriage (Bonus Chapter)

Study Guide

Preface to the 2021 Edition

They were confused and afraid, facing the unthinkable. Their rabbi, the Messiah, was leaving them. They weren’t even close to having a coherent theology of his life and death, let alone any expectation of the victorious resurrection that would follow. They had forsaken everything to follow him, heard him teaching with authority, seen him rule creation in power, and watched him heal the sick with the might of the Creator. What would life be without him? So Jesus spent some of his last hours intimately, personally, and lovingly preparing them. At the center of his preparation were promises that they would cling to in the days, weeks, months, years, and generations to come.

I have thought about one of those promises again and again. In fact, if I didn’t believe that this promise was not just for those anxious disciples on the eve of the Lord’s death but is for me as well, I couldn’t do what I now do. I get up every morning and try my best to take the most glorious body of truth ever revealed and apply it to the situations, relationships, and locations of our daily lives. I know I have little wisdom of my own. I understand that any practically applied wisdom I put down on the page flows from the gospel of Jesus Christ. And I am deeply aware that the gospel is a bottomless well of redeeming, life-altering wisdom. No matter how deep I dig or how many years I dig, I will never reach its bottom.

My job is to continue to learn, approaching my life and work with the hunger and humility of a student. I must never boast that I’ve learned enough, know enough, or am a gospel graduate. In my fear that I would not get it right and in my understanding that there is so much more that I need to know, I cling every day of my life to this tender, loving promise made by the world’s best rabbi before he became the final sacrificial lamb: “These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you” (John 14:25–26).

My confidence in writing is not first in my degrees or my decades of ministry experience, but in my helper teacher, the Holy Spirit. Every day I take my seat in his classroom, with heart and mind tuned to him. Every day I ask him to help me see more clearly and understand more deeply. And I am required to confess that I am a work in progress and that today I can see and write things which I didn’t see and couldn’t communicate ten years ago.

You may wonder what all of this has to do with this new edition of my book on marriage. I am both thankful and excited to say that this new edition is so much more than a marketing ploy to find more audience for an old book. No, it really is the result of my growth in understanding my own material because there is a helper who is still patiently teaching me. It is now apparent to me that this book is not primarily about what the first title, What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, seemed to communicate that it was about—that is, misguided or failed marriage expectations. No, this book is about six marriage commitments that result from looking at marriage through the lens of the gospel of Jesus Christ. This new edition brings these commitments to the forefront:

Commitment 1: We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness.

Commitment 2: We will make growth and change our daily agenda.

Commitment 3: We will work together to build a sturdy bond of trust.

Commitment 4: We will commit to building a relationship of love.

Commitment 5: We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.

Commitment 6: We will work to protect our marriage.

If there is a contribution this book makes to the daily struggles of marriage, it is found in these commitments. But there is more. After writing What Did You Expect?, I wrote a book called Sex in a Broken World: How Christ Redeems What Sin Distorts, because everywhere I looked, it seemed that our culture had gone sexually insane. Over the years, it has become clear that this sexual insanity has a hugely destructive impact on even Christian marriages. So we’ve adapted a chapter from that book and included it here because it provides a gospel perspective on sex. We have also added a chapter with the most frequently asked marriage questions that came to us in the years since What Did You Expect? and my best gospel-informed answers. I love how these questions force me to think even more deeply and more practically about how the gospel gives us fresh ways of thinking about and responding to everyday marriage issues. I also love how these questions help us apply the gospel commitments in the book to the specific struggles of our marriages. So make sure you take the time to read, consider, and apply this additional material.

I am very aware of the beauty of the life that I have been blessed with. I know it is only possible because of grace. I am thankful that the Helper Teacher hasn’t given up on me. He is still with me, teaching me, giving me eyes to see, the mind to understand, and the humility of heart to receive with joy what he has taught. I am thankful that I continue to learn how the gospel offers our marriages new avenues of help, change, and hope. So, I am grateful for this new edition of my marriage book and for the patient grace it represents. My prayer is that you will be too.

Paul David Tripp

September 16, 2020

Commitment 1

We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness.

Commitment 2

We will make growth and change our daily agenda.

Commitment 3

We will work together to build a sturdy bond of trust.

Commitment 4

We will commit to building a relationship of love.

Commitment 5

We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.

Commitment 6

We will work to protect our marriage.

1

What Did You Expect?

“I just didn’t think it would be like this,” Mary said. She looked completely exhausted and defeated.

Sam just looked angry. He didn’t want to be with me talking about his marriage to Mary. In fact, if the truth be told, he didn’t want to be married to Mary. He’d had it! “Fifteen years—fifteen years!—and this is what I get?”

Mary refused to answer; she just sat there and sobbed.

“Look what my hard work gave you. No one you know lives in a house like yours. No one you know has the things I’ve provided for you. No one has had the wonderful experiences around the world that I’ve given you. But, no, it’s never enough. Mary, I’m tired of your constant complaining. I’m tired of daily criticism. I just don’t want to do this anymore, and I don’t think you do either,” Sam said, as his voice trailed off.

I looked at Sam and Mary, and I knew it had not always been like this. I’ve sat with many couples while they were in the process of considering marriage, which has often been a bit of a frustrating experience for me. No, I haven’t been frustrated because they were “madly” in love; I think it’s wonderful when a man and woman adore one another. I think it’s wonderful when they decide to spend their lives with one another. I understand that in the throes of the romance of the moment, they find it hard to concentrate on the preparatory work that needs to get done. None of this has frustrated me. I think that deep mutual affection is a beautiful thing.

Here’s what has frustrated me again and again: unrealistic expectations. There—I’ve said it. I am persuaded that it is more regular than irregular for couples to get married with unrealistic expectations. Again and again I have sat with couples who simply do not seem to be taking seriously the important things the Bible has to say about what every marriage will encounter in the here and now. Unrealistic expectations always lead to disappointment.

You know this is true if you have ever looked at a vacation website before traveling there. No vacation site will actually look as nice and function as well as it does on its promotional site on the Internet. You inevitably end up disappointed because you started out with unrealistic expectations.

We took our family on a vacation to Disney World. We looked at that beautiful Disney literature. But we weren’t told that we would stand under a blazing sun for 90 minutes in 120-degree heat and 200-percent humidity to ride a ride that takes 33 seconds!

My son, who was at this time just a little guy, saw a ride that he wanted to go on. We walked for what seemed like forever and finally found the end of the line. We stood in line so long that my son and I had this conversation: “Dad,” he said, “why are we standing here?” I said, “There is a ride at the end of this line.” And he said, with a look of complete exhaustion, “And what ride is it?” We had been in the line so long that he had forgotten why we were standing there. Unrealistic expectations always lead to disappointment.

Using the Bible Biblically

Part of the problem is the way we use Scripture. We mistakenly treat the Bible as if it were arranged by topic—you know, the world’s best compendium of human problems and divine solutions. So when we’re thinking about marriage, we run to all the marriage passages. But the Bible isn’t an encyclopedia; it is a story, the great origin-to-destiny story of redemption. In fact, it is more than a story. It is a theologically annotated story. It is a story with God’s notes. This means that we cannot understand what the Bible has to say about marriage by looking only at the marriage passages, because there is a vast amount of biblical information about marriage not found in the marriage passages.

In fact, we could argue, to the degree that every portion of the Bible tells us things about God, about ourselves, about life in this present world, and about the nature of the human struggle and the divine solution, to that degree every passage in the Bible is a marriage passage. Every passage imparts to us insight that is vital for a proper understanding of the passages that directly address marriage, and every passage tells us what we should expect as we deal with the comprehensive relationship of marriage.

One of our problems is that we have not used the Bible biblically, and this has set us up for surprises we shouldn’t have had.

Please Don’t Mess This Up

But the unrealistic expectations have another source. It’s almost as though the potential husband and wife are motivated not to hear the truth about what they will inevitably face, because they don’t want anything to mess up the unfettered affection that has left them in a virtual romantic delirium. Now again, I want to say that I think that deep and mutual affection is a beautiful thing, but we must not let it motivate us to deny reality.

That dynamic is like what happens to you while you are consuming a wonderful meal of deep-fried fish and chips, which will be followed by a dessert of rich chocolate cake and ice cream. You simply have no interest in considering what this meal is doing to your heart and waistline. You do not want to discuss calories and cholesterol. You are not very motivated to consider fat and sugar content. No, you want to savor every delectable morsel. You want to consume all the fish and fries you can while they are still warm and crunchy. And no matter how full you are, you are planning to consume a hearty piece of that four-layer, double-chocolate mousse cake.

You see, in the midst of the power of premarital romance, it is very hard to get yourself to want to take a hard and honest look at reality, that is, those things that every couple will face someday, somehow, someway. You are scared that under the heat of the light of truth, your affection may evaporate. You fear that something is going to mess up the delight of what you are experiencing at the moment. What you are experiencing is one of the most powerful things a human being can experience. Love is compelling. It is motivating. It is intoxicating. It can command your mind and control your emotions. You sit with the one you love, considering your marriage to come, and you want what you are now feeling and experiencing to last forever. And you’re not about to do anything that will mess it up.

Here’s how it tends to work: you’re in love and convinced that the love you are now feeling will get you through anything you might face. You simply don’t want to dig up potential difficulty. You don’t want to consider what could be. You don’t want to let the future get in the way of what you are experiencing in the moment. Your attention span is short. You are in love, and you like it, and you are not about to let anything get in the way. You look at one another with glazed eyes, and you are sure that the powerful love you are feeling will get you through anything. You don’t feel that you have much to fear. You are sure that few people have felt the love that you feel for one another. You know that other couples have problems, but you are convinced you are not like them. You are sure they must not have felt what you are feeling. You are in love, and you are sure that everything will work out right. You are simply not interested in being realistic.

Between the Already and the Not Yet

There is a way that theologians think about life in the here and now that is very helpful and can impart to us realistic expectations. Everything we say and do, everything we commit ourselves to, and every situation, location, and relationship we experience is experienced between the already and the not yet. You will never understand the things you face every day until you understand that you live in the middle. Everything in your life is shaped by what the middle is like. Perhaps you’re thinking, “Paul, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Permit me to explain.

Knowing that you are living between the already and the not yet tells you where you are located in God’s story of redemption. Stay with me; this is intensely practical. Already God has given us his Word as our guide. Already he has sent his Son to live, die, and rise again for our salvation. Already he has given us his Spirit to live within us. But the world has not yet been restored. Sin has not yet been completely eradicated. We have not yet been formed in the perfect likeness of Jesus. Suffering, sadness, and death are not yet no more.

It is hard to live in the middle, but that is exactly where we live. We live in a world that is still sadly and terribly broken. Your marriage will not escape its brokenness. We live with flawed people. Your marriage will not be protected from those flaws. When you start unpacking what life is really like between the already and the not yet, you gain perspectives that are enormously helpful for understanding the things you need to face if you want a marriage that is wholesome and healthy in the eyes of God.

Prepared Spontaneity

You and I simply never know for sure what is coming next. Think about it: your life has not worked according to your plan. You could not have written yourself into your present situation twenty years ago. Last week didn’t work according to your plan. Today won’t work according to your plan. Your life is under the wise and sovereign plan of another (see Acts 17:26–27; Dan. 4:34b–35). This means that, every day, you deal with the unexpected, with things you didn’t plan to have on your plate. This is surely true of your marriage. Problems come your way that have a huge impact on you and your spouse. Sickness and sin get in the way of what you thought you would be sharing together. Every marriage is required to face the unexpected. But dealing with the unexpected doesn’t mean you have to be unprepared. This book is all about the principle of prepared spontaneity.

Now, I know it sounds like a contradiction, but it isn’t. You actually can be prepared for things that you don’t yet know you will face. You can be ready for things that you had no idea would come your way. In fact, I am persuaded that this is one of the main functions of Scripture. It enables us to be prepared to decide, think, desire, act, and speak well in a world in which we aren’t sovereign. Here’s how it works: if we have taken in what the Bible says about God, ourselves, life, sin, and the surrounding world, we are ready to deal spontaneously with things we didn’t know we would be dealing with.

Again and again I have sat with couples who are surprised by what they are dealing with. Yet, when I give them an opportunity to tell their story, I am impressed to find, once again, that the things they are dealing with are the kinds of things the Bible predicts that flawed people in a fallen world will face. It is troubling when I sit with a wife who is shocked that her husband is a sinner or with a husband who was unprepared for the fact that his wife is tempted to be selfish.

More couples than I can number have been surprised that their marriage needs the regular rescue of grace. And because they did not take the Bible seriously, they were caught short in that moment, when the rubber meets the road in daily life, where grace was their only hope.

It’s not just the prediction of potential problems that people haven’t taken seriously, but the message of promised provision as well. Prepared spontaneity is not just about being aware of what you are going to face and therefore being ready to face it. It is also about knowing what you have been given so that you can face it with practical courage and hope.

This book will lay out for you a lifestyle of readiness that takes seriously the practical and life-giving wisdom perspectives of the Word of God. These wisdom insights will cause you to live prepared, even though your hand isn’t on the joystick, and you don’t really know what is around the next corner of your marriage.

You Can Expect the Expected

Jim got sick and had to forsake his climb up the corporate ladder. This brought stress into his marriage to Jen that he would never have anticipated. Brad and Savannah got busier and busier and quit communicating as they should, and their relationship paid the price. Brent struggled with a secret sin for years, and when Liz discovered it, it almost ended their marriage. India and Frank always seemed to be in a battle for control. It was an exhausting marriage to be a part of. Alfie and Sue never seemed to be in the same place spiritually. Jared and Sally had an infectious affection for one another, but their financial woes brought much stress to their marriage. Jung’s mother pulled her into loyalty battles again and again. It caused lots of conflict between her and Kim.

There are two observations to make about all these marriages. First, none was a bad marriage. No one was about to walk out. No one had been unfaithful as yet. There had been no abuse or violence. But none was experiencing what God had in mind when he created their union in the first place. And all of them were surprised at what they had to face as a couple.

Second, everything that each couple faced is predicted by command, principle, proposition, or perspective in the Bible. These couples should have expected the expected. If they had approached the Bible as a wonderful window onto their marriage, they would have known what to expect and not been surprised at what came their way.

So what are the essential wisdom perspectives that Scripture gives us that enable us to have realistic expectations for our marriage?

1) You Are Conducting Your Marriage in a Fallen World

Sam can’t believe he has been suddenly laid off after all these years. Julie struggles with the thought of living with a man with a chronic disease. Jared never thought he would be dealing with the things he is facing with his son. Mary feels like a prisoner in the house she loves, which is located in a neighborhood now gone bad. Sherrie struggles with the responses she has received to her biracial marriage. John often wonders why life has to be so hard.

We all face the same thing. Our marriages live in the middle of a world that does not function as God intended. Somehow, someway, your marriage is touched every day by the brokenness of our world. Maybe it simply has to do with the necessity of living with the low-grade hassles of a broken world, or maybe you are facing major issues that have altered the course of your life and your marriage. But there is one thing for sure: you will not escape the environment in which God has chosen you to live. It is not an accident that you are conducting your marriage in this broken world. It is not an accident that you have to deal with the things you do. None of this is fate, chance, or luck. It is all a part of God’s redemptive plan. Acts 17 says that he determines the exact place where you live and the exact length of your life. He knows where you live, and he is not surprised at what you are facing. Even though you face things that make no sense to you, there is meaning and purpose to everything you face. I am persuaded that understanding your fallen world and God’s purpose for keeping you in it is foundational to building a marriage of unity, understanding, and love.

There is no better window on what we face in the here-and-now world in which we live than the descriptive words that the Bible uses: “grieved,” “trials,” and “tested” (1 Pet. 1:6–7). Now, these words should cause you to pause. Of all the descriptive words that Peter has at his disposal to describe what God is doing in us through the environment in which we live, it is very significant that he uses these three words. Each is instructive and interpretive. First, you will not escape the grief of life in the fallen world. That grief can be the momentary pain of a little disappointment or the long-term mourning of a significant moment of loss. The point is that, along the way, grief touches us all in little or significant ways. Second, we all face trials. We will deal with things we would never have planned for ourselves or inserted into our schedules. We will grieve because we will face difficulty that we neither anticipated nor planned. The final word brings the portrait of life in this fallen world together. The word tested does not mean tested like in an exam. No, it means “tempered” or “refined.”

With this word, tested, God tells you one of the most significant things you will ever understand about your marriage in the here and now. God decided to leave you in this fallen world to live, love, and work, because he intended to use the difficulties you face to do something in you that couldn’t be done any other way. You see, most of us have a personal happiness paradigm. Now, it is not wrong to want to be happy, and it is not wrong to work toward marital happiness. God has given you the capacity for enjoyment and placed wonderful things around you to enjoy. The problem is not that this is a wrong goal, but that it is way too small a goal. God is working on something deep, necessary, and eternal. If he was not working on this, he would not be faithful to his promises to you. God has a personal holiness paradigm. Don’t be put off by the language here. The words mean that God is working through your daily circumstances to change you.

In his love, he knows that you are not all that you were created to be. Even though it may be hard to admit, there is still sin inside you, and that sin gets in the way of what you are meant to be and designed to do. And, by the way, that sin is the biggest obstacle of all to a marriage of unity, understanding, and love. God is using the difficulties of the here and now to transform you, that is, to rescue you from you. And because he loves you, he will willingly interrupt or compromise your momentary happiness in order to accomplish one more step in the process of rescue and transformation, which he is unshakably committed to.

When you begin to get on God’s paradigm page, life not only makes sense (the things you face are not irrational troubles, but transforming tools) but immediately becomes more hopeful. There is hope for you and your marriage because God is in the middle of your circumstances, and he is using them to mold you into what he created you to be. As he does this, you not only respond to life better, but you become a better person to live with, which results in a better marriage.

This does not mean that you will stop being grieved. In fact, Jesus wept when he walked the roads of our world. But this grief is not a dark tunnel that fate has sent your way. It is a wise tool in the hands of a loving God who knows how deep your need is and wants to give you gifts of grace that will last forever.

So, somehow, someway, this fallen world and what it contains will enter your door, but you do not have to be afraid. God is with you, and he is working so that these grieving things will result in good things in and through you.

2) You Are a Sinner Married to a Sinner

I will say much more about this throughout the book, but you and I just don’t get to be married to someone perfect. It seems true when you read it, but even though this seems obvious, many people get married with unrealistic expectations about who they are marrying. Here is the point: you both bring something into your marriage that is destructive to what a marriage needs and must do. That thing is called sin. Most of the troubles we face in marriage are not intentional or personal. In most marriage situations, you do not face difficulty because your spouse intentionally did something to make your life difficult. Yes, in moments of anger that may happen. But most often, what is really happening is that your life is being affected by the sin, weakness, and failure of the person you are living with. So, if your wife is having a bad day, that bad day will splash up on you in some way. If your husband is angry with his job, there is a good possibility that he will bring that anger home with him.

At some point you will be selfish. In some situation you will speak unkindly. There will be moments of jealousy, bitterness, and conflict. You will not avoid this, because you are a sinner and you are married to a sinner. If you minimize the heart struggle that both of you have carried into your marriage, here’s what will happen: you will tend to turn moments of ministry into moments of anger. When your ears hear and your eyes see the sin, weakness, or failure of your husband or wife, it is never an accident; it is always grace. God loves your spouse, and he is committed to transforming him or her by his grace, and he has chosen you to be one of his regular tools of change. So, he will cause you to see, hear, and experience your spouse’s need for change so that you can be an agent of his rescue.

Often, in these God-given moments of ministry, rather than serving God’s purpose we get angry because somehow our spouse is in the way of what we want. This leads to the second thing that happens: the reason we turn moments of ministry into moments of anger is that we tend to personalize what is not personal. At the end of his bad day at work, your husband doesn’t say to himself, “I know what I’ll do. I’ll take my bad day out on my wife so that her day gets as wrecked as mine.” No, the trouble you are experiencing is not about you directly. Yes, it is your trouble, because this angry man is your husband. But what you are experiencing is not personal in terms of conscious intentionality. You are living with a sinner, so you will experience his sin.

Now, when you personalize what is not personal you tend to be adversarial in your response. When that happens, what motivates you is not the spiritual need in your spouse that God has revealed but your spouse’s offense against you, your schedule, your peace, etc. So, your response is not a “for him” response but an “against him” response. Rather than wanting to minister to him, what you actually want to do is get him out of your way so you can go back to whatever was engaging you beforehand. Let’s be honest—all of us have been there.

When we respond in an adversarial way, we actually escalate the trouble that the other person splashed up on us. This leads to one more thing: because we have turned a moment of ministry into a moment of anger by personalizing what is not personal, we are adversarial in our response, and because we are, we settle for quick situational solutions that do not get to the heart of the matter. Rather than searching for ways to help, we tell the other to get a grip, we attempt to threaten them into silence, or we get angry and turn a moment of weakness into a major confrontation.

This is one place where I think the Bible is so helpful. The world of the Bible is like your world—messy and broken. The people of the Bible are like you and your spouse—weak and failing. The situations of the Bible are like yours—complicated and unexpected. The Bible just isn’t a cosmetic religious book. It will shock you with its honesty about what happens in the broken world in which we live. From the sibling homicide of Cain to the money-driven betrayal of Judas, the blood and guts of a broken world are strewn across every page. The honesty of God about the address where we all live is itself an act of love and grace. He sticks our head through the biblical peephole so we will be forced to see the world as it really is, not as we fantasize it to be. He does this so that we will be realistic in our expectations, then humbly reach out for the help that he alone is able to give us.

3) God Is Faithful, Powerful, and Willing

There is one more reality that you have to include as you are trying to look at your marriage as realistically as possible. Not only must you consider the fallenness of the world you live in and the fact that both of you are less than perfect, but you must also remember that you are not alone in your struggle. The Bible says that God is near, so near that in your moment of need you can reach out and touch him because he is not far from each one of us (Acts 17:27). Yes, you live in a bad neighborhood (fallen world), and the two of you are less than perfect (sin), but in all this you are not left to your own resources. The God who determined your address lives there with you and is committed to giving you everything you need.

I am writing this a few days after Easter, so my mind has been on the empty tomb. Consider for a moment what the empty tomb of the Lord Jesus Christ teaches us. First, it teaches us that God is faithful. Centuries earlier, after Adam and Eve had disobeyed God, God promised that he would crush wrong once and for all. So he sent his Son to defeat sin and death by his crucifixion and resurrection. For thousands of years God neither forgot nor turned from his promise. He did not grow weary, nor would he be distracted. He made a promise, and he controlled the events of history (large and small) so that at just the right moment Jesus Christ would come and fulfill what had been promised.

But the open tomb also reminds us that God is powerful. He is powerful in authority and powerful in strength. Think of the authority you would have to have to control all the situations, locations, and relationships in order to guarantee that Jesus would come at the precise moment and do what he was appointed to do! Also, could there be a more pointed demonstration of power than to have power over death? By God’s awesome power, Jesus took off his graveclothes and walked out of that tomb. Those guys in power-lifter competitions may be able to pull a bus with their teeth, but they will all die, and there is nothing they can do about it.

The empty tomb points us to one more amazing thing. It teaches us that God is willing. Why would he go to such an extent to help us? Why would he care to notice us, let alone rescue us? Why would he ever sacrifice his own Son? Because he is willing. You and I need to recognize that his willingness was motivated not by what he saw in us but by what is inside of him. He is willing because he is the definition of mercy. He is willing because he is the source of love. He is willing because he is full of amazing grace. He is willing because he is good, gentle, patient, and kind. Even when we are unwilling, full of ourselves and wanting our own way, he is still willing. He delights in transforming us by his grace. He delights in rescuing us by his powerful love.

So, when you are sinned against or when the fallen world breaks your door down, don’t lash out or run away. Stand in your weakness and confusion and say, “I am not alone. God is with me, and he is faithful, powerful, and willing.” You can be realistic and hopeful at the very same time. Realistic expectations are not about hope without honesty, and they are not about honesty without hope. Realism is found at the intersection of unabashed honesty and uncompromising hope. God’s Word and God’s grace make both possible in your marriage.

Are your expectations for your marriage realistic?

Commitment 1

We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness.

Commitment 2

We will make growth and change our daily agenda.

Commitment 3

We will work together to build a sturdy bond of trust.

Commitment 4

We will commit to building a relationship of love.

Commitment 5

We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.

Commitment 6

We will work to protect our marriage.

2

Reason to Continue

Everyone searches for hope. Everybody looks for a reason to continue. Everyone hooks their daily functioning to some kind of dream. Everyone wants to know that what they give themselves to will prove to be worth it. Human beings don’t live by instinct. Made in God’s likeness, we are rational beings. The things we do and say are rooted in deeply ingrained thoughts and desires. There is a way in which it is accurate to say that we are all on one big, lifelong, treasure hunt. Your treasure may not be my treasure, but we’re both treasure hunters nonetheless. If you didn’t think the things you are doing would pay off in some way, you’d probably quit doing them.

Tom was struggling and ready to pack it in. No, it wasn’t that he had been dealt some disaster that had left him devastated and alone. In fact, from a distance, it seemed that Tom had a pretty good life. He had a bright, beautiful, and intelligent wife. He had three beautiful children under the age of seven. His job was never boring or mundane. Yet Tom toyed with the desire to quit his own life. It simply wasn’t enjoyable anymore. He and Dara seemed to function with low-grade irritation toward one another all the time. Their schedule was ridiculously demanding, and their children seemed to be in need of endless attention. Tom felt that there was seldom a day in which he didn’t upset Dara in some way. He was tired of working hard and having little to show for it, and he couldn’t find much reason to continue.

Cindy lay in bed awake. She was looking at Mac. It was hard for her to grasp that the man she was lying next to was the same man who had swept her off her feet. As a tear coursed down her cheek, she remembered Mac’s infectious smile and his sense of humor. She thought about how Mac had the ability to make the most mundane things enjoyable. She remembered getting excited at the sound of his voice; but no more. Somewhere along the way Mac had quit being Mac. He seemed perennially distracted and frustrated. He spent his time watching sports or on the computer. Going to bed was particularly hard for Cindy. She longed for a little bit of tenderness before they both caved into exhaustion and slept, but there was no tenderness. Mac would crumble into bed, sullen once again, mumble good night, give her a perfunctory kiss, and roll over into sleep. Night after night Cindy would lie awake searching for a reason to continue.

From the beginning, Erin knew that Will was very close to his family, but she never thought it would be like this. Erin feels like an outsider in her own life. She is tired of spending every holiday and vacation with Will’s family. She is tired of all the intertwining of marriage, extended family, work, and church. How many holidays has she spent watching Will and his brothers having the time of their lives, quite oblivious to the fact that she isn’t? She had long ago faced where Will’s loyalty lies, and she knows that there will never be a decision that Will won’t discuss with his family. She has thought a lot about what the Bible says about “leaving and cleaving,” and in her heart of hearts she knows that Will has never left his family. Erin is tired of being the outsider and is finding it hard to continue.

Nathan stood there with the crumpled note in his hand. He had found it several weeks ago on the floor of their walk-in closet. Things have been hard since then. Anita had made no denials. She had become emotionally infatuated with a coworker. No, this relationship had not been physical in any way. In fact, they had never been together outside work, but the note was devastating nonetheless. Anyone reading it would’ve called it a love letter. Nathan doesn’t know why he keeps it. He doesn’t know why he digs it out day after day and reads it again and again. He just does. Anita seems remorseful and is doing everything she can to make amends. Nathan is thankful that she quit her job, but he can’t get beyond the note. It stands in the middle of his life like an Everest that he knows he needs to climb but never will. It is as though the note has taken away every reason he has to continue.

Sandy looks at the uncooked egg that her three-year-old has just dropped on the floor, and she wants to scream. She feels more like a custodian than a wife. It seems to Sandy that day after day she gets up to clean and straighten things until she goes to bed, and then she gets up and does it all over again. She lives in sweats and sneakers; those days of feeling attractive have almost faded from memory. Fred has gained some weight and doesn’t look too great himself. She passes by the full-length mirror in the upstairs hallway and thinks, “What happened to us?” The morning when the first-years-of-marriage photo album had fallen off the closet shelf and onto the floor, she had hit the wall. It seemed that the pictures were of a different couple from a different time and place. The comparisons were devastating. She is tired of a domestic’s existence, and she is not finding much encouragement to continue.

Brandon is simply tired of the hard work. It is difficult not to wish for the early days once again. Being with Jessie had been so much fun. He had loved the spontaneous freedom of their relationship and schedule. He had loved the fact that Jess seemed ready for anything at anytime. Back then he knew it wouldn’t always be that way, but he never imagined that it would be like this. With his new job and the arrival of the twins, he and Jess do little but work hard. Busy and exhausting, life isn’t very much fun, even in the rare moments when they have time to be together. When Brandon works late, Jess complains that he isn’t home to help, and when he is home to help, she complains that he isn’t making enough money. Brandon summarized it well to a coworker: “When you feel that you can’t win, it’s hard to continue trying.”

Nora and Chris are both tired of arguing, but they don’t know how to stop. They get up on different sides of the universe every morning and look at everything from opposing perspectives. They are both convinced they are right and are constantly frustrated that the other doesn’t see things their way. It has gotten to the point where everything seems to matter. The crumpled towels in the bathroom or the dried-out cheese in the refrigerator have become much bigger issues than they ever should have been. They would both say that they love one another, and they apologize after the heat of another argument has waned, but they don’t stop arguing. It is an unhappy existence, and they both feel it. Quietly they both wonder what it will take for things to be different and what in the world they will do if nothing changes.

Not the Way It Was Meant to Be

It happens to everyone. It is the unavoidable reality of marriage. Somehow, someway, every marriage becomes a struggle. Life after the honeymoon is radically different from the honeymoon that preceded it. The person you loved to play with, you are now living and working with. The person who was once your escape from responsibility has become your most significant responsibility. Spending time together is radically different from living together. Reasons for attraction now become sources of irritation. We are all confronted with the fact that in some way our marriage is not what it was meant to be. Why? Well, the reasons are found in what we looked at in the first chapter.

Somewhere along the way you realize that you, too, are a sinner, married to a sinner, and you are together living in a broken world. Sometimes this reality just makes mundane little moments more difficult than they should be, and sometimes it means facing devastating things you thought you would never face. But it happens to all. At some point you need something sturdier than romance. You need something deeper than shared interests and mutual attraction. You need something more than marital survival skills. You need something that gives you peace of heart and strength of resolve when you aren’t feeling romantic and your problems are getting you down.

Everyone’s marriage becomes something they didn’t intend it to be. You are required to deal with things you didn’t plan to face. In every marriage sin complicates what would otherwise be simple. In every marriage the brokenness of the world makes things more complicated and difficult. In every marriage either giddy romance wanes and is replaced with a sturdier and more mature love, or the selfishness of sin reduces the marriage to a state of relational détente.

So, what do you do when your marriage becomes what it was not intended to be? What do you do in those moments when you aren’t so attracted to your spouse? Where do you look when you are irritated, hurt, or discouraged? Where do you reach? Where do you run?

Rooted in Worship

So, what does give you reason to continue when the little problems have gotten under your skin or the big problems have left you devastated? What does produce a marriage with sturdy love, unity, and understanding? I think the answer I am about to give will surprise many of you. Here it is: a marriage of love, unity, and understanding is not rooted in romance; it is rooted in worship. Now, you may be able to read all the words, but you still might not understand the depth of the insight of this principle.

What does it mean to say that a marriage is “rooted in worship?” The word worship is a tricky word. When the average person hears the word worship he thinks of a gathering, of hymns, an offering, and a sermon. But there is a biblical truth embedded in this word that is vital to understand if you are ever going to figure out why you struggle in your marriage and how those struggles will ever get solved. Worship is first your identity before it is ever your activity. You are a worshiper, so everything you think, desire, choose, do, or say is shaped by worship. There is simply no more profound insight into the reason people do the things they do than this, and once you get hold of it, it opens doors of understanding and change that were never before opened to you. Let me explain.

When the Bible teaches that we are worshipers (see Rom. 1:19–25), it is not first talking about a religious function that is separate from the other aspects of our more regular functioning. No, in naming us as worshipers, the Bible is providing for us a radical insight into fundamental human motivation. Because you are not an animal, which functions by ingrained instinct, the things you do and say are driven by some kind of purpose. In other words, whether or not your words and actions make sense on the surface, you have acted or spoken for a reason. The most general and fundamental reason for doing what you do is worship. Now, you are probably already sensing that this insight needs further explanation.

Think about this. Isn’t it interesting that some of the things that upset you don’t bother your spouse at all? Why is it that something that delights you is, at the very same time, a thing that your husband or wife could easily live without? Why are some things much more important to you than to others? And why is it that your list of what is important doesn’t completely agree with your husband’s? Why are there themes to your anger (certain times, places, situations, relationships, etc.) and certain themes to your discouragement? Well, all these things I have been describing are connected to worship.

When the Bible says that we are worshipers, it means that every human being lives for something. All of us are digging for treasure. All of us are in pursuit of some kind of dream. Behind everything we do is some kind of hope. Every one of us is in constant pursuit of life. Perhaps you’re thinking, “Paul, I get all this, but I don’t understand how it helps me understand my marriage.” Let me take you further.

Being a worshiper means that you attach your identity, your meaning and purpose, and your inner sense of well-being to something. You either get these things vertically (from the Creator) or you look to get them horizontally (from the creation). This insight has everything to do with how a marriage becomes what it is. No marriage will be unaffected when the people in the marriage are seeking to get from the creation what they were only ever meant to get from the Creator.

Comfort had become Jeanie’s functional god. No, she hadn’t quit going to church. She loved Sunday worship services, and she loved her pastor’s preaching, but comfort is what ruled her heart. Jeanie got her comfort from turning her home into a museum to her domestic dexterity. Jeanie owned a thousand decorating magazines. She was always redecorating or remodeling. She cleaned relentlessly and was obsessively neat. She would tell herself that she wanted to make her home a beautiful place for her family, but what drove her was not concern for her family. Jeanie had attached her identity, her inner sense of well-being, to the beauty of her home.

Jeanie was never really relaxed at home; neither were her husband and family. Jeanie didn’t want her family to wear shoes in the house. She was upset at every hint of disorder and went after whoever she thought was the culprit. In a moment of anger, Jeanie’s husband captured it very well: “Jean, we don’t have a home to come home to anymore. This place is not our home; it’s your museum, and we are feeling less and less welcome here!”

Tony had attached his identity to success. He had no idea that what he was supposed to be getting from the Creator, he was seeking to get from the creation, but that is exactly what was going on. The place where Tony looked for the success that made him want to get up in the morning was his job. Tony was good at what he did; the more he did it, the better he got, and the better he got, the more money and power he was given. It was all very exciting and intoxicating. It was as if he were living a dream. No, work wasn’t perfect by any means, but it gave him a reason to get up in the morning.