Parenting Rules! E-Book

Ryan O'Quinn

• Herausgeber: BroadStreet Publishing Group, LLC
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2014

Beschreibung

Ever been a parent? Ever known a parent? Ever had a parent?  Here you will find 150 hilarious parenting rules that will make you smile and even laugh out loud as you relate to the bizarre (but somehow heartwarming) parenting situations. If your kids have not already, get ready to discover how only a finely honed sense of humor can help you navigate the most intense, absurd, and (yes) rewarding experience ever invented: parenting. You will realize that despite all of the craziness, at the end of the long, diaper-filled day, parenting rules!  You are not alone in the outrageous, befuddling, occasionally humiliating experience of raising small children into larger children and then (hopefully) self-supporting adults. You will "Amen!" and laugh your way through these pages as comedian Ryan O'Quinn tells of real life scenarios that took place in his actual home with actual children. You will gain deep understanding of the "rules" of parenting such as: At some point you will sit on the toilet with a kid on your lap, Blocks of time can be measured in Cheerios, You will S-P-E-L-L things aloud to other adults when you do not need to, If you have multiple kids, they will fight over [insert any noun], Pregnancy brain never goes away—for husbands either.

Leseprobe

BroadStreet Publishing Group LLC

Racine, WI 53403

Broadstreetpublishing.com

Parenting Rules!

The Hilarious Handbook for Surviving Parenthood

© 2014 Ryan O’Quinn

ISBN 978-1-4245-4998-6

e-ISBN 978-1-4245-5002-9

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Illustrations by Paul Manchester | www.wilwhimsey.com

Design by Chris Garborg | www.garborgdesign.com

Printed in China

FOR

Lilah,

Haley,

AND

Asher

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 NIV

When my two oldest children were two years old and six months old, I realized that there are similar and hysterically funny things that all parents go through. These kinds of shared experiences give parents a common bond that is indescribable—except in terms of smell. Step back and actually think about the ridiculous things that happen in your household on a daily basis. To some people, you sound crazy. To other parents, the everyday moments you describe sound absolutely normal.

As I jotted down funny and endearing moments that happened with my kids and posted them on various social networking sites, the comments were all to the tune of “Amen!” and “Me too!” and “That’s really gross! Please never post again!” from parents all over the country. It seems that we are all experiencing the same things as we navigate a season in our lives that defies logic, science, and sanity. I thought there was something uniquely nuts about what was happening under my roof, yet I saw I wasn’t the only one going through it. All of us brave enough to bear offspring are enrolled in the humbling, absurd school called Parenting University—where grades are given in hugs and kisses on the cheek, in addition to dirty diapers and backhanded compliments.

Once, in the middle of the night, my wife and I were exhausted. We had been out of bed and down the hall to the kids’ room too many times to count; swaddling, comforting, and reinserting a pacifier (into the right end, I hoped). There in the hallway, I pulled out my phone and started making notes of what I call “Parenting Rules.” If you are a parent, are planning to be a parent, have ever known a parent, or had a parent, the “rules” in these pages were written for you. What started as comical notes for myself became a collection of moments and stories I am now sharing with you in the hope that you will declare, “Ryan, you are not alone. I understand where you’re coming from.” I hope these rules make you smile or even laugh out loud the next time you find yourself in a bizarre (but somehow heartwarming) situation. At least you’ll know we’re all together on this ludicrous, tiring, but ultimately awesome journey of parenthood!

-Ryan O’Quinn

Contents

Infants

Rule #1

Rule #2

Rule #3

Rule #4

Rule #5

Rule #6

Rule #7

Rule #8

Rule #9

Rule #10

Rule #11

Rule #12

Rule #13

Rule #14

Rule #15

Rule #16

Rule #17

Rule #18

Rule #19

Rule #20

Rule #21

Rule #22

Rule #23

Rule #24

Rule #25

Rule #26

Rule #27

Rule #28

Rule #29

Toddlers

Rule #30

Rule #31

Rule #32

Rule #33

Rule #34

Rule #35

Rule #36

Rule #37

Rule #38

Rule #39

Rule #40

Rule #41

Rule #42

Rule #43

Rule #44

Rule #45

Rule #46

Rule #47

Rule #48

Rule #49

Rule #50

Terrible Twos

Rule #51

Rule #52

Rule #53

Rule #54

Rule #55

Rule #56

Rule #57

Rule #58

Rule #59

General Rules

Rule #60

Rule #61

Rule #62

Rule #63

Rule #64

Rule #65

Rule #66

Rule #67

Rule #68

Rule #69

Rule #70

Rule #71

Rule #72

Rule #73

Rule #74

Rule #75

Rule #76

Rule #77

Rule #78

Rule #79

Rule #80

Rule #81

Rule #82

Rule #83

Rule #84

Rule #85

Rule #86

Rule #87

Rule #88

Rule #89

Rule #90

Rule #91

Telling the Truth

Rule #92

Rule #93

Rule #94

Rule #95

Rule #96

For Dads

Rule #97

Rule #98

Rule #99

Rule #100

Rule #101

For Moms

Rule #102

Rule #103

Rule #104

Rule #105

Rule #106

Rule #107

Travel

Rule #108

Rule #109

Rule #110

Rule #111

Rule #112

Rule #113

Rule #114

Conversations and Quotes

Rule #115

Rule #116

Rule #117

Rule #118

Rule #119

Rule #120

Rule #121

Rule #122

Rule #123

Rule #124

Rule #125

Rule #126

Rule #127

Rule #128

Rule #129

Rule #130

Rule #131

Rule #132

Rule #133

Rule #134

Rule #135

Rule #136

Rule #137

Rule #138

Rule #139

Rule #140

Rule #141

Rule #142

Rule #143

Rule #144

Rule #145

Rule #146

Rule #147

Rule #148

Rule #149

Rule #150

Absolutely Real Conversations that Took Place in My Household

Absolutely Real Quotes that Were Said in My Household

Glossary of Things You Need To Know as a Parent

Tough Questions You Will Have To Answer

Infants

Rule #1

You will feel as though you will never sleep for eight hours again. Ever.

I remember the first three days my firstborn was on the planet. I paced the hallway thinking my wife and I were completely alone and there was no way humankind should have survived this long if parents got that little sleep! How was it possible? Would I ever get two hours straight again? Three?

Barring a miracle, eight hours is completely out of reach for the first nine months. The good news is that it gets better…eventually. Then kid #2 comes along and you start all over again!

Rule #2

You will be sure your kid is an alien.

On TV when babies are born, it takes about fifteen seconds of labor and the newborn is immediately handed to the mom, bundled up and beautiful. When babies are born in real life, they are wiggly, misshapen, odd-colored little creatures. Don’t get me wrong, the first time you see your sweet angel is the greatest moment ever, but if we are totally honest, newborns look more like gooey aliens.

That kid on TV is not a newborn. The media has misled us! Not only does a real newborn look like an alien, that little guy has been in utero for nine months and somehow was able to manufacture poop from another planet.

You read about meconium in the books, but you never really expect the black gunk in the first few diapers to be that sticky, black, and just all around weird. What is that stuff? There is certainly a scientific explanation for this, but the adhesive factor of this substance is incredible. I scrubbed one rear end like I was removing rust from a bumper.

This sounds weird, but go with me on this: After the first few days of black alien-blob poop, it turns yellow and there is a “hot, buttered popcorn” smell until baby food is added to the diet. It will eventually dissipate, and you will miss it. Trust me, in just a few months, the foul stench that comes from a ripe Diaper Genie will make buzzards throw up.

Rule #3

You will always be too tired to read a book about getting your child to sleep because you have been TRYING TO GET YOUR CHILD TO SLEEP!

Everyone seems to have their own theories, ideas, wives tales, and formulas about children and sleep. You never know what will really work until you are standing in the hallway with your own unique, specific child. Most of the time during the infancy stage, the only thing you can think about is that magical moment years from now when you will actually get seven uninterrupted hours of sleep.