The Ex-Pat's Guide to the Best of the Wurst E-Book

Elizabeth Schumacher

• Herausgeber: neobooks Self-Publishing
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Deutsch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2015

Seitenzahl: 113

Beschreibung

For everyone who loves Germany - or is trying to! A practical and comical guide to making sense of this wonderful, frustrating, crazy country! Learn how to find a place, get a job, and complete the most difficult task of all - understanding Germans. From comedian John Doyle and journalist Elizabeth Schumacher.

Leseprobe

Elizabeth Schumacher, John Doyle

The Ex-Pat's Guide to the Best of the Wurst

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Inhaltsverzeichnis

Titel

1. Introduction

2. A quick work from Elizabeth on: Finding a place

3. Keep it formal at first!

4. Small talk

5. Thorough answers to thorough questions!

6. A quick word from Elizabeth on: The Ausländerbehörde

7. Germans are DIRECT!  

8. German compliments

9. Germans are exact!

10. A quick word from Elizabeth on: Studying in Germany

11. Making friends in Germany

12. Learning German: Elizabeth’s take

13. Learning German: John’s take

14. Germans love soccer

15. Germans and competition

16. Germans and their bikes

17. Surviving the German Autobahn

18. Hiking your way into the German soul

19. The right way to eat WURST

20. Quirky German Music

21. Germans and service

22. Germans at the supermarket

23. Café behavior in Germany

24. A quick word from Elizabeth on: Getting a job – and then working with Germans

25. Germans and stress

26. Germany: A country on vacation

27. Boring German politics

28. Political scandals in Germany

29. How Germans see American politics

30. Patriotism

31. Germans and the environment

32. Germans love sex

33. A quick word from Elizabeth on: The dating quagmire

34. The end!

Impressum neobooks

1. Introduction

When I tell people I’ve been living in Germany for the past twenty years I’m often the recipient of many a strange look. Sometimes people even have the audacity to ask: “Why would anyone want to do that? Are you nuts?” Expat friends of mine in Paris or in Rome never hear such things. They get “hey cool”, or “wow”, or “must be nice” when they mention where they call home.

I mention “Germany” and I’m asked:

“Were you in the military, in jail or taken hostage?”

It really pisses me off! It’s so unfair!

I was even asked by a stranger in a bar once –

“Were you in a coma?”

I said, “fuck no!” but he didn’t believe me.

The problem is this: people just can’t understand why anyone from the United States would freely want to live in Germany for so long. It’s kind of like you’re telling them “Germany”, but they’re actually hearing “Afghanistan.” Or “an underground bamboo prison in southeast Asia! Like I said, so unfair! Especially when you consider that the weather in such prisons is much warmer!

Even Germans are perplexed when I tell them I’ve been here for more than 23 years now. They ask similar questions:

“Were you in the military, in prison or in a mental hospital?”

O.K., I’ll admit it, Germany does have certain disadvantages that might partially explain these attitudes. Take learning German for example: it’s hard. It’s really hard. And don’t be surprised if you find yourself spitting profusely when actually trying to speak German. Also not so great. I remember being asked almost every day: “why are you spitting on me? I thought we were friends!” I said, “of course we are. I just can’t stop spitting on you!”

Germany is also bureaucratic to the hilt. Remember those Franz Kafka novels you were forced to read in high school? That’s how bureaucratic Germany really is. You’ll notice this when you register with the authorities for the first time. You’ll walk down endless corridors searching for the right door to knock on while wondering the whole time, “what the heck am I doing here?”

But if you can overcome these and other obstacles with out losing it completely, you’ll soon discover, as I did, that Germany is a pretty amazing place!

It’s amazing for students, for people with jobs, for people without jobs, for nudists, for government protestors and especially for tree-hugging hard-core environmental activists. How’s that for a random group of individuals!

Speaking of tree-huggers, if walking around in the woods and hugging thick wet bark is what turns you on, you’ll love it here! And why? I’ll tell you why. Because Germans love thick wet bark huggers! And it doesn’t matter if it’s a tree, a sagging plant, a stranded whale, or a frog crossing the road, if it has something to do with the environment, Germans love it!  Especially the frogs.  Check this out: Germans would rather spend thousands and thousands in public money on underground frog crossings than on kickbacks for the rich!   Anywhere else people are saying: “Fuck the frogs!  If they don’t want to get run over while hopping across the street they should hop a little faster!” But not in Germany! In Germany Kermit gets to live.

And check this out: nuclear powers – Germans hate it. It’s in their DNA. It’s actually the first thing German babies learn to say when they start talking. Not “Mama” or “Papa” or “Achtung Schweinehunde!” but “I’m vehemently opposed to nuclear power you asshole!”   How’s that for your first words – I know, quite impressive.

Students also love Germany. And I’ll tell you why: because studying here is essentially free!  That’s right, free! It’s not like in America where you get to pay back student loans for the rest of your life. Imagine not having to fill out financial aid forms like the FAFSA or the CSS for the rest of your life. If you can imagine this you’re imagining Germany!

There are so many great reasons for moving to Germany.  Here are just 10 of them:

Less crime:  People own guns here, but if they use them at all, it’s to shoot animals and not people.  How cool is that?

Less work:  Compared to Americans, Germans get tons of vacation! Even the unemployed are entitled to vacation time!

Health Insurance: Germans have it and believe everyone should have it.  They won’t shut down the government to prevent others from getting it, and if you need a new hip, a kidney or a lung to get through the day, no problem. In Germany it’s paid for!

Poverty: Relative to the rest of the word there’s much less poverty in Germany. For German kids, the most unbelievable part of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” is not the kid-killing miniature slave-owning crazy candy man, but the fact that the government doesn’t help Charlie’s family find a better house. Go figure.

Travel opportunities:  if you live in Germany foreign countries are just around the corner, so get out there and explore Europe!

The German Autobahn:  The best place in the world to drive fast cars and emit tons of CO2.   (More on this later.)

Nudity: Germans love nudity!  In the sauna, in the park, on normal television. If it’s big and blowing in the breeze, it’s ok in Germany. If it’s small you can probably get some government money to correct the situation.

Communicating with Germans in English:  Nothing is easier than that because Germans love speaking English, and proving that their English is better that yours. This happens all the time so get used to it!

Sex: Germans love Sex. Gay Sex. Straight Sex. Sex with animals. It doesn’t matter.  As long as its sex!  (Only kidding about the animals…I think.)

Making friends: It takes a while to make friends in Germany, but it’s worth it because once you’ve made a friend, it’s for life!

I’m so convinced that Germany is the place for you that I’ve written this book together with my American co-writer, Elizabeth Schumacher, who also happens to call Germany home.   This book will help you make acclimating to life in Germany a lot easier.  So let’s get started.  We hope you enjoy TheExpats Guide to the Best of the Wurst.

2. A quick work from Elizabeth on: Finding a place

Just like all big cities, finding a place to live in a German city can be a nightmare. Everything is too small, too expensive, too far away from everything, or too filled with roommates growing maggot cultures in unwashed bowls of what was once macaroni and cheese. Add to that moving to a foreign country, needing an address to get a visa, and that everything from the real estate websites to the contract signing must be conducted in that simplest of human languages, German, you will find yourself saying yes to the first thing with four walls and one tiny window. I hear it’s especially bad in Berlin, since every hipster with an idea for a new theme restaurant-that-serves-only-peanut-butter-and-jelly-sandwiches-slash-bowling-alley who watched Cabaret.

Every expat’s living situation follows an eerily similar pattern:

1. Someone else’s grandma’s basement

Most people rely on wg-gesuch.de or immobilienscout24 to find a place. Unfortunately these are really your only options. More unfortunately, everything’s in German, the people posting there have ridiculously specific roommate requests and will get about 1,000 responses without 24 hours no matter how completely fucking insane they seem: I once read an ad in Frankfurt for a guy who was looking for “two princesses to serve”, spent about 40 lines of ad space talking about how much he loved taking care of and doting upon women. There was no mention of the pit he kept them in, as I assume that he hadn’t quite brought it up to code.

That guy’s ad was listed as ‘filled’ TWO DAYS LATER.

You can’t make this stuff up.

This is what causes that first, horrible flat share that serves as some sort of expat right of passage that we all give each other knowing glances about at the semi-annual expat hoedown, but never, ever speak of.

I haven’t quite figured out while the people letting out rooms are exclusively old ladies. And at first, that really doesn’t sound so bad. My grandma loves to cook for me and buy me presents and tell me I am the most beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, funny, perfect pile of carbon atoms that ever walked the earth. What could be so bad about living with someone’s else’s grandma? Only this: the place you live belongs to her and has since before they installed indoor plumbing.

These places are almost exclusively in villages outside of the city where you work or study, and are only reachable by taking a taking a train to the edge of town, then a bus to the village, then walking through a field, climbing a cliff face and belaying down a ravine. Once you get back to your twelve square foot room that costs 500 euro a month, you turn on your light and if it’s after 7 PM, it’s probably the only one in the whole street.

A friend of a friend (as fake as that makes this sound, I’m sure she wishes it was), let’s call her Sarah, lived in one of this basement rentals from a woman whose Bild Zeitung told her the Americans were spying on the Germans, and decided that meant this 21 year old university student was doing just that. She refused to tell Sarah and her boyfriend the internet password, and wouldn’t even let Sarah be in her own room unless her boyfriend was also there...because Puerto Ricans have magic spy-nullifying powers, apparently.

“Oh you want to…use the… kitchen?” asked another friend’s Oma landlady. No, I’d really just like to eat potato chips and drink warm soda until I expire in my own filth.

So the first big tip is, no matter how desperate you are, do not live in a family’s house. Do not rent a room in someone’s house unless you want your picture above the phrase “last seen on”. Or to share a bathroom with a former circus performer called Jens who does not clear his hair out of the shower.

2. A WG – a sinister and misleading acronym

I always just called it ‘living with roommates’ or ‘being under the age of 33’, but it Germany, a WG, or Wohngemeinschaft is like entering into a contract to suddenly because 3 strangers’ new soul mate.

In Britain, Ireland, or the US, you’re likely to see an ad for a flat share like this:

Room available in [overpriced neighborhood]. Rent: [90% of your monthly income]

In Australia and New Zealand they’re even shorter.

Now here is an abridged version of a very, very real ad I read on the back of a bathroom door at the University of Freiburg library:

Two out-going girls and one sport-crazy guy are looking for a new friend to live with us! We do NOT want someone who just stays in their room and keeps to themselves. We love to throw parties, and everyone pitches in to buy beer. We plan a lot of activities and like to watch TV together. Two of us have cats and our cats rule the apartment, haha. So no one who is allergic please! We would also like someone who speaks fluent Spanish or French so we can practice! We’re all REALLY into electro and dub step, so be prepared to hear a lot of it.

I thought you moved in with people based on whether you have similar opinions about loud music and dirty dishes and if you could afford the rent. But in Germany, it is much, much more serious. You don’t move in with people, you ‘found a WG’, like you’re the fucking pilgrims on Plymouth Rock, founding the Massachusetts Bay Colony. And when you need a new roommate, you do a ‘WG Casting’ (yes, it REALLY is called a casting) for whoever will play the role of everyone’s new best friend forever. Because you can’t just spontaneously have fun in Germany. Fun has to be planned, has to be determined and organized and scheduled, because then how would you know you’re having it?