The Office E-Book

Jo Hoare

• Herausgeber: Ryland Peters & Small
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2015

Seitenzahl: 128

Beschreibung

Whether it's how to style out a crippling hangover, behave at the Christmas party or identify the resident perv, The Office: A Survival Guide has got your back when it comes to anything work related. Is the daily grind getting you down? Does the thought of another day spent staring at a screen while your colleagues bore you to tears with tales of what their cat had for breakfast make you want to scream? Unfortunately, going to work is a necessary evil that we all have to face. But fear not, because help is at hand with The Office: A Survival Guide. Starting with The Rules, you will learn how to become a master of the passive aggressive email, what's acceptable in the world of office fashion, or knowing what subjects to talk about without making everyone think you're annoying. Next, discover how to identify certain types of colleague, like the illness martyr who spends evey day shouting how brave they are for coming in when they feel so terrible, or the one everyone fancies – an average-looking person who people lust after in the office but wouldn't look twice at in the street. A chapter on The Events will guide you through the pitfalls of away days, business trips and important presentations and the brilliant How To… section is packed full of inspiration for slackers, with tips on how to look extremely busy while doing very little, how to suck up to the boss and how to appear "on the level" despite the fact you necked eight pints and three cocktails just hours previously. Accompanied by lively illustrations throughout, this hilarious guide will mean you'll never look at going to work in the same way again.

Leseprobe

the OFFICE

A SURVIVAL GUIDE

Jo Hoare

the OFFICE

A SURVIVAL GUIDE

Jo Hoare

Published in 2015 byDog ‘n’ Bone Books

An imprint of

Ryland Peters & Small Ltd.

20–21 Jockey’s FieldsLondon WC1R 4BW

and

341 E 116th St

New York, NY 10029

www.rylandpeters.com

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Text © Jo Hoare 2015

Design and illustration

© Dog ‘n’ Bone Books 2015

The author’s moral rights have been asserted. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher.

A CIP catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress and the British Library.

eISBN: 978 1 911026 36 5

ISBN: 978 1 909313 76 7

Printed in China

Designer: Paul Tilby

Editor: Emma Hill

Illustrator: Paul Parker

Commissioning editor: Pete Jorgensen

Art director: Sally Powell

Production controller: David Hearn

Publishing manager: Penny Craig

Publisher: Cindy Richards

CONTENTS

The Book

Introduction

Chapter 1: YOUR COLLEAGUES

The Diet Bore

The One Recently Returned From Maternity Leave

The Party Animal

The Office Perv

The One Who Claims Credit for Everyone Else’s Work

The Mean Girl Gang

The Intern

The Pedant

The Lifer

The One Everyone Fancies

The Illness Martyr vs The Sicknote

The Stinker

The Bitch

The Comedian

The Drama Queen Or King

The Wide-boy Salesman

The Geek

The Sociopath AKA The One You Think Might Be A Murderer

Chapter 2: THE RULES OF…

Coffee Rounds

Office Birthdays

Lunch Politics

Emailing

Personal Possessions

Small Talk

The Bathroom

Chapter 3: HOW TO…

Throw A Sickie

Get Away With Doing Nothing At All

Style Out A Hangover

Be A Good Desk Buddy

Find Out Anything

Make Friends And Influence People

Survive A Boozy Lunch

Chapter 4: THE EVENTS

The Christmas Party

The Team Building Day

The All-day Meeting

The Glossary AKA Why Don’t You Say That Then?

Index

Acknowledgments

INTRODUCTION

What did you think you’d be when you grew up? A superhero? Football star? Dinosaur veterinarian? Someone who sat within three square foot of space, encased by cushioned MDF, trying to encourage people to up their monthly spend on photocopier toner?

One of life’s saddest facts is that the 99.9% of us who aren’t Paris Hilton or Prince William are going to have to be in paid employment for pretty much most of our waking hours until we’re too old to do anything decent with that time anyway. For most of us that paid employment will involve sitting in an office.

Ah the office; a sort of night-release prison where you’re enslaved between the hours of 9am to 5pm with no choice of who shares your bunk or bathroom, and there’s always the underlying feeling someone might shank you with a homemade weapon. You’re going to need your wits about you to survive. From identifying and managing the diaspora of freaks ’n’ geeks around you to successfully negotiating the horror that is the Christmas party, this book is here to help you. Even if it’s only something for you to read in the bathroom while you hide from your boss…

CHAPTER 1

YOURCOLLEAGUES

Your Colleagues

THE DIET BORE

Identifiable by her plaintive cries of “Who’s been using my soy/cashew/almond milk?” (Ummm, no one, love, it makes coffee taste like it’s already been drunk and excreted.) No dairy/carbs/additives/fun have passed her lips since the mid-nineties and her extreme gastro habits affect everyone around her. (Note: We’re saying “her,” but men are not excluded from this annoying sub genre.)

The Diet Bore begins her day by hogging the kitchen to make her morning porridge using lukewarm water. Apparently, cold water burns more calories and she’s saving her soy milk rations for the half dozen appetite-suppressing coffees she’ll intersperse the afternoon with. When she’s finished pushing her food around with a spoon, she leaves the half-eaten bowl of wallpaper paste by the fridge, unwashed. Within minutes, the mush sets like concrete, thus rendering the bowl useless to anyone without a full archaeological excavation kit tucked under the sink next to the dishwashing liquid.

Next up in her daily routine is the complicated process of blocking the sink with coagulated “lean green” juice. Her Nutribullet couldn’t quite deal with the sheer volume of kale she expected it to blend, so lumps of vegetables the same shade as bronchial phlegm sit in the plughole until the mythical man from the facilities department arrives with a plunger that you suspect he also uses for unblocking the toilets.

After The Diet Bore has downed her juice and suppressed the urge to vomit it straight back up again, co-workers get an hour or two of respite until lunchtime, when she uses the microwave to steam some fish. Chances are, unless you lost your sense of smell as a result of a freak head injury, you’re going to need to vacate the building before (and apologies to sensitive readers; there’s no nice way to put this) any passing blind person could mistake your office for an industrial-sized sanitary bin that is way overdue for emptying.

The Diet Bore

Once she’s finished her chemical weapon of a lunch and your eyes have stopped watering, you’d think you might get a chance to enjoy your own food. No way. Her hybrid emotions of envy and horror at your normalperson meal choice do not make for easy digestion. As you rush through your ham and cheese sandwich and slice of cake, feeling guilty and wondering if just the one pair of Spanx might get you back into that dress this weekend, you’re ALMOST tempted round to her way of thinking…

Your Colleagues

THE ONE RECENTLY RETURNED FROM MATERNITY LEAVE

Let’s be honest, unless you’ve recently given birth/been at the business end of your partner as she did, you probably have a sneaking suspicion that maternity leave is a bit of a doss. A year off work you say? Hanging out watching cartoons and clogging up Starbucks with your buggy while the rest of us do the work that our company is too tight to pay a replacement you to do? Sounds alright to us… Of course, we know that’s not really the case, but it doesn’t mean you don’t need advice on how to deal with the recently post partum in your worksphere.

THE NOTHING’S GONNA CHANGE POWER MOM

Back in her size-eight suit two weeks after giving birth, she barely noticed the labor process, necking fewer painkillers than you do for a mild mid-week hangover. She was answering emails during contractions, took less time off for mat leave than some people would for the removal of a wisdom tooth, and runs her childcare regime with less flexibility than Kim Jong Il’s hairdresser.

HOW TO WIN HER OVER: Subtly bring up other moms in the office who commit heinous, non-power-mom crimes, such as occasionally seeing their offspring in daylight or cluttering up their desks with ostentatious snaps of their kids. Hearing that Clare was seven minutes late after a tricky school run, or Amy’s taken a half day due to an outbreak of chicken pox, will delight her more than seeing her firstborn’s first steps.

THE “I SEE THE WORLD WITH RENEWED EYES” MOM

She didn’t have a baby—she had a magical blessing. She’s not a woman—she’s a fertile goddess. And you already have a headache from listening to it. Dismissing her previous life of scamming cocktails on expenses and getting off with sales reps at conferences, she now pities anyone who cares for such shallow life frivolities as hair brushing or talking in full adult English.

HOW TO WIN HER OVER: Stick it out for a little while—lack of sleep tends to have an adverse effect on one’s general sense of awe and wonder at creating new life. If it hasn’t faded after a few months, leave leaflets around for training courses in holistic aromatherapy midwifery. She’ll be off quicker than you can say pan-fried placenta.

THE RELUCTANT RETURNER

Pre-baby you may very well have gotten on like the proverbial incandescent abode, but now the thing she hates most in the world is keeping her away from the thing she loves most. And whereas you don’t blame her, all that chat about the varying shades of fecal matter in her child’s diaper is putting you off your green juice, and your level of knowledge about her healing perineum is something that’s beginning to haunt your dreams. Plus, if she’s late every day because of another binky/blanket/breast pump incident, who’s going to cover your back when you need that extra half hour duvet time?

HOW TO WIN HER OVER: Your first thought will be to pretend to be interested, but it’s a very dangerous game; you’ll start with gateway pleasantries like cooing over iPhone pictures and asking after their night’s sleep and soon your life will become a living, breathing Mumsnet forum. And nobody wants that. The alternative? Well, short of pretending you’ve recently shacked up with a convicted sex offender, there’s only one answer in a case like this. Headphones. Massive, great, noise-canceling ones like Blue Ivy wears backstage. And wear them ’til the kid hits 18.

Your Colleagues

THE PARTY ANIMAL

When entering a new workplace it’s tempting to take the magpie approach to new friends, and no one is as eyecatchingly shiny to the office newbie than The Party Animal. Whether it’s the dipped-in-Touche-Éclat-foundation, wine pomander party girl or the Bantersauraus Rex, wisecracking party boy, both are at first glance your best bet for office matedom. Treat them with caution, though, as a wrong move could see both your liver and livelihood heading for failure.

THE PERMA HANGOVER

With a desk never featuring less than five different types of liquid refreshment, you can judge the level of the Perma Hangover’s pain by their choice of drink. Full fat coke before 9am? Do not approach. Delicate sips from a Red Bull can? Definitely don’t sit between them and the door in your early morning meeting. Black coffee? You might get some work from them around 11am. Getting into the lift with them first thing would make you fail a breathalyzer test, so save evenings out with them for when you’ve got the next day off.

USEFUL BECAUSE: Their desk drawer could keep Dr. House in painkillers for a month, so make them your office pharmacy.

THE LAD

Not quite sure how to identify the party Lad? Look down. No, a bit further than that. What’s that you see around his ankle region? Is it a hint of a comedy sock! Something bright and anti-establishment with maybe a humorously misspelt cartoon character… “Boner Simpson” anyone? Because, although the bosses can make him wear a suit, that inch of shoe to lower shin can’t be contained by corporate big boys! Congratulations, you’ve found him! Able to spend 90% of his wages on drinks that come in some kind of treasure chest because he still lives at home with his parents, if a night out doesn’t end in the reappearance of the aforementioned chest-encased booze (probably all over your shoes), it’s been disappointing. Fond of using “humorous” clip art in his presentations, writing rude messages in office birthday cards, and trying to saddle everyone in the workplace with one of his hilarious nicknames. If you’re not a member of a sports team or on your university year in industry placement, you might want to steer clear.

USEFUL BECAUSE: Got a score to settle in the office? He’s your perfect revenge envoy. Fill him up with booze and plonk him down next to the office bitch. And her brand new handbag.

The Party Animal

THE PAST-IT PARTY GIRL

Apparently, she was quite the face sometime in the early 1990s (for this read, she once waited in line for the toilet next to a Spice Girl) and she’s never really got over it. Nowadays, it takes quite the maintenance program to keep up with the young ones’ after-work boozing, but with a careful regime of vitamin pills, juice cleanses, and the occasional trip to Dr. B. Tox she’s just about getting away with it. Schooled in the art of office boozing back in the day where lunches lasted until 7pm and work dinners came with a compulsory course of narcotics, she will be able to drink more than anyone else you work with. So bear that in mind before challenging her.

USEFUL BECAUSE: She can probably expense the drinks.

THE PARTY FAKER

This is a dangerous subsection and a lot more common than you think. The Party Faker always says yes to Friday drinks, birthday do’s, and any other occasion where the booze will be flowing, but keep an eye on their glass… while they’re merrily offering you your seventh top up of the evening, and you’re thinking they’re along for the ride (admittedly one in a vomit comet), they’ve been nursing the same drink for hours and are just biding their time for their stealth social media takedown of everyone foolish enough not to bust their planned sobriety. The favored modus operandi of a Faker is to act as unofficial night photographer snapping away at all the flirting/bitching/falling over that occurs and then combine this with the most unflattering angles and poses before packaging it all up as a neat little Facebook album. The Party Faker then posts the incriminating pics online the next morning, a good three hours before anyone who actually drank their drinks will resurface. This ensures that when you do log on to de-tag the picture where your gusset is exposed to the room, the one where you look like you have 13 chins, or a trick of the light that appears to show you fondling Dave in accounts, the whole world has already seen them anyway.

USEFUL BECAUSE: A minefield of blackmailable info, make friends with him and he’ll tell you everything about everyone. Plus you might be able to veto that picture of you playing cock or ball with the intern.

Your Colleagues

THE OFFICE PERV

With everyone being more or less aware that out-and-out sexual harassment is generally frowned upon, the workplace perving of yesteryear is largely absent from most offices. That’s not to say there isn’t still the odd archetypal, slimy bastard yelling “while you’re down there” every time you drop something on the floor and accidentally-on-purpose grinding their groin against you when they make their way to the photocopier but, by and large, the office sex pest has had to dial down their overt creep-ness. This doesn’t mean you’re any safer though… there’s simply a new breed of sleaze on the loose. Be warned. Be aware.

THE TOUCHY FEELER

Fifteen years ago he’d have been patting your bottom when you were a “good girl” but the modern day TF has had to work on a subtler modus operandi. The elbow to side boob graze in a busy elevator? No accident. The guiding hand on the small of your back through a door? Lining up the perfect vantage point for ogling your bottom. You probably think he’s sweet and harmless. He’s probably married. But give him three beers on a night out and he’ll be trying to undo your bra through your blouse before passing out in your lap.

THE OGLER