The SideRoad Columnist E-Book

Sharon M. Kennedy

• Herausgeber: Modern History Press
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Beschreibung

Take a trip down the U.P.'s many SideRoads with Sharon Kennedy
Penned by the author in recent years, The SideRoad Columnist presents a selection of previously published newspaper columns. To delight the reader, each installment tells a complete story in miniature. This book includes a mixture of nostalgia, humor, shared experiences and sundry observations. The stories are short--under two pages--making the book ideal for readers who have limited time or are passengers on a journey. Readers will smile as they recall a time when boys slathered hair cream on their locks, women sported a bouffant hairdo and barnyards were a common sight.
Whether recovering from her many domestic and kitchen disasters, navigating the U.P.'s notoriously bad roads or trying to properly celebrate a lifetime of holidays, Kennedy's adventures will bring a groan of recognition.
The SideRoad Columnist is sure to delight and amuse mature folks as they remember the old days. Younger readers will laugh as the author describes the way things were, her struggle to understand technology and the green dot following everyone on Facebook. Kennedy's ability to entertain, while simultaneously writing terse columns, is undeniable. She's a writer for our times.
"Through her rich memories and witty observations, Sharon Kennedy offers a realistic perspective of today's world with the sense of humor of a life thoroughly lived. She will make you laugh and cry and think about your own life and all the lessons that come with it."
--Sarah Leach, Outstate Michigan Executive Editor, Gannett Media
Sharon M. Kennedy lives in Michigan's Upper Peninsula on the land of her youth. As an opinion writer for Gannett Media, her newspaper columns reflect a keen observation of people and their experiences. Whether humorous, serious, or poignant, she records events and situations relatable to individuals of various ages. Kennedy has the remarkable ability to communicate with readers as if they were sitting at her kitchen table, sharing a cup of coffee and a laugh with her.

Leseprobe

The SideRoad Columnist: Observations from an Upper Michigan Author

Copyright © 2023 by Sharon M. Kennedy. All Rights Reserved.

ISBN 978-1-61599-736-7 paperback

ISBN 978-1-61599-737-4 hardcover

ISBN 978-1-61599-738-1 eBook

Learn more at www.AuthorSharonKennedy.com

Published by

Modern History Press

www.ModernHistoryPress.com

Ann Arbor, MI 48105

[email protected]

Tollfree 888-761-6268

FAX [phone]

Distributed by Ingram (USA/Canada), Bertram’s Books (UK/EU)

Contents

Part I: Memories of Bygone Years

The Brylcreem Wall

An Elite Group

Summer Softball Games

Siblings and a City Dog

It’s Gonna Be a Scorcher

The Wounds of Youth

Cows on the Road

The TV is Snowy

Time to Get out the Butter Knife

Deer Season and the Woodshed

C’mon, the Snow is Packy

Waiting for Christmas Catalogs

An Evening in Paris

My Red Wool Dress

The Seasons of 1957

Waiting on Belle

Where Does Time Go?

There’s Nothing Like a Good Scare

Part II: Celebrating the Holidays

The Folly of New Year’s Resolutions

The Hope and Dismay of Valentine’s Day

Forty Days and Forty Nights

Continuation of the Lenten Season

Don’t Forget to Wear Something Green

A Muddy April Road

Waltzing with My Mother

Remembering the Departed

Sunday Memories of Dad

The Official Arrival of Summer

The Thrill of a Simple Sparkler

The Dog Days of August

Another School Year Beckons

Any Halloween Candy Left?

Lunch, Anyone?

Describing the Perfect Thanksgiving

Choosing Christmas Wrapping Paper

Nuts Are for Fruitcakes

Part III: Sharing Common Experiences

Monitored by a Little Green Dot

Ready, Set, Turn: Daylight Saving Time

When All Else Fails, Try Avon or Cake Decorating

Navigating the Minefield of Words

No More to Play the Wild Rover

Stick That Gum Behind Your Ear

Real Women Wear Plaid

Farewell Old Mitts

When Your Dental Floss Gets Stuck

The Million Mile March of Red Squirrels

The Thursday Night Bellyache

There Was a Time

Embracing the Crow’s Foot

Mending the Holes in My Jeans

The Plastic Tomato Experiment

Thoughts on Mice and Lice

My Sleepwear Lost Its Flannel

Get Your Snowball Scoop Today

Part IV: Sundry Rambles

One Man’s Junk

The PC Police and Lil’ Dutch Maid

Expect Nothing and You Won’t Be Disappointed

My Toilet Sweats

A Kitchen Full of Memories

Celebrating a National Day of Scream

The Potato and the Egg

You Talk Too Loud

Fruit From an Old Tree

Storage Units Are Everywhere

Welcome Autumn

The Upside-Down Chicken

A Gift in the Woods

A Well-Stacked Woodpile

Requiem for My Steel Toe Boots

Get Ready for Christmas Craft Shows

Waterbed Woes

Part V: Our Family Life in the 1950s

Stay In Or Stay Out

Dressing for Cold Weather

A First Communion Story

The Lawnmower Episode

Sipping Through a Straw

The Power of Heet

A Memory of Old Spice

Picking the Scab

When Patches Were Popular

Let’s Churn Some Butter

Independence Day and the Seed Spitting Contest

The Night Dad Drank Peroxide

Bring Back the Barnyard

What’s Hiding Underneath That Bale?

Turn off the Overhead

Landing in the Poor House

The Lost Art of Ironing

The Fields of My Father

Part VI: An Oldster’s Viewpoint

There’s Rain in Them Thair Clouds

A Sink Divided

The Broken Cup

The Mystery of the Disappearing Bar of Soap

Three Cheers for Pond’s

Getting Shanghaied

Reaching for a Fork

An Endless Supply of Tears

Clinging to Dignity as the Years Pass

Ode to the Wooden Icebox

There’s No Such Thing as a Chicken Crow

Go Outside and Play

Waking at Three in the Morning

The Passing of Summer

Christmas and Chemistry

The Silence of My Grandfather Clock

I’d Be Lost Without My Compass

The Sand in My Hourglass Runs Low

About the Author

Also by Sharon M. Kennedy

Life in a Tin Can: A Collection of Random Observations

View from the SideRoad: A Collection of Upper Peninsula Stories

The SideRoad Kids: Tales from Chippewa County

Dedication

With gratitude and affection to Dave and Kari O'Gorman who made and continue to make the tragedy of the past months bearable.

Part I:Memories of Bygone Years

The Brylcreem Wall

In 1959, a neighbor boy was smitten with me. Every day he pedaled his bicycle to my house on one pretense or another. He might be bringing over a new kitten or returning a cup of sugar his mother had borrowed. Rex always found some lame excuse to visit. He knew perfectly well we had our own litter of kittens, and his mother never borrowed sugar, coffee or anything else, but none of that mattered to Rex.

Although Mom didn’t favor the idea of a boy taking me away from my chores, she tolerated Rex because he was shy, polite, and harmless. However, one of his habits irritated her to no end. A wooden chair was stationed next to the kitchen’s front door and that’s where Rex sat while he waited for me. Instead of sitting upright, he had a tendency to lean his head against the wall. That wouldn’t have been a problem had it not been for the amount of Brylcreem he had plastered on his hair. Remember the ad proclaiming, “A little dab will do you?” Well, apparently Rex didn’t get the message. I guess he figured if a little dab was good, a big glob was better.

Mom encouraged him to wait outside on the porch, but her hints were ignored. Rex stayed in the chair and continued to rub his head against the wall every time he visited. Another mother might have told him in plain language to keep his greasy head off her wall, but not Mom. She was much too polite to hurt his feelings, so she went about her work while Rex went about grinding his well-creamed head into the wallpaper until the chickens looked like they had been sprayed with oil. Mom loved chickens and our kitchen walls were home to a brood of hens, chicks and a few preening roosters.

By July, the stain from Rex’s head was the size of a cantaloupe. By summer’s end, it had grown as big as a watermelon. There was no way to disguise the greasy mess. It was too low to pound a nail in the wall and hang a calendar over it and too long to camouflage it any other way. Every time Mom looked at it, she sighed. I think I sighed right along with her. We were perfectionists and everybody knows that’s the hardest type of person to live with. We’re never satisfied because nothing is ever perfect for very long. Somebody or something always comes along and messes up our orderly life or stains our immaculate wallpaper.

Mom breathed easier when school started and Rex found someone else to court. Although he was gone from our kitchen, the stain remained until two years later when it was time to re-paper the wall. The day fresh paper was pasted up was the day Mom moved the wooden chair that had always been by the front door. She put it in the far front room and that’s where it stayed. Never again would a young fellow grind his greasy hair into her wallpaper. The chair was missed because all visitors sat there if they weren’t staying long, but Mom didn’t care. She wasn’t taking any chances that her new paper would be ruined by a boy and his Brylcreem hair. She needn’t have worried. No fellow ever came calling after that summer. I went on a few dates in high school, but my callers remained standing near the door while they waited for me. Boys were afraid of me. I don’t know why except maybe I was a bit bossy. I suppose some might say I still am.

An Elite Group

Kids who lived in the old days were an elite group. We had no fear of being kidnapped as we bicycled down dusty gravel roads or fished in the deep waters of brown rivers. During the summer, we played outside from early morning until dark when the mosquitoes got the best of us and forced us inside. If we lived on a farm, we had daily chores, but once the cows were milked and unchained, they headed for the pastures where they spent the day. When their stalls were mucked and the milk utensils washed, we headed for our bicycles, the road, and the river.

I suppose referring to country kids as an “elite group” is a bit oxymoronic. We weren’t elite in the traditional meaning of the word. We had cow manure on our barn boots, dirt underneath our fingernails, and no more chance of being elected to political office than the chickens in our coops had of flying to the treetops. We recognized the sulfurous odor if a hen was in a broody mood and sat too long on her unfertilized eggs. We had scratches and scrapes on our knees and elbows when our bicycles hit a rut and threw us on the gravel road.

Boys caught suckers with a worm dangling from a makeshift hook attached to a piece of string tied to a stick. There were no fancy fishing poles with expensive reels and exotic lures. Girls played with dolls, read Little Golden Books, and waited for wild berries to ripen in the fields outside our front doors. When boys got tired of fishing, they played with plastic soldiers or cowboys. When girls got tired, we got out crayons and coloring books.

Forts were built from dead tree limbs dragged from the woods. Leafy branches from live trees comprised the walls. In a pinch, blankets were thrown over the clotheslines and became tents where plans were hatched to thwart an approaching enemy. Boys spent nights in empty haymows as mice tickled their noses. Girls spent hours in their playhouse preparing pretend meals and playing dress-up. Riding bikes was a mandatory activity for both boys and girls. Nobody had a new bicycle. Everybody made do with bikes too small, too big, too old, and too ugly. Nobody laughed because the make and model wasn’t important. It was the freedom it afforded.

Although we never traveled far from home, our imaginations took us miles from our sideroad. We could be anybody, anywhere, including the heroines and heroes we read about in books and comics. In the early days of our youth, nobody owned a television or telephone. We played, we dreamed, we lived in a world of our imagination, and we were all the better for it.

Summer Softball Games

The summer hours of daylight last long into the evening and remind me of the days when we played softball until the mosquitoes got so thick we couldn’t see the bases. We were a motley group with no more batting, catching or outfielding ability than our dogs. What we did have was a love of the game. When the school year was over, our front yard became the ball diamond. The players were my siblings, one cousin, and the boys who lived north of us. Occasionally the kids who lived down the road joined in. Their parents rented the house south of our place so we considered them nesters, not permanent residents.

Sometimes we coaxed my parents into taking a turn at bat for each side. Mom would hit the ball to the left and surprise the outfielder who was standing to the right. Everybody loved Dad’s line drives and pop-up flies because if a fielder was any good at all, he could catch them. When we heard the crack of the bat as it connected with the ball, one of us kids would run for first base. We knew there wasn’t a chance of anyone catching Mom’s hit, and we hoped a fielder would drop one of Dad’s.

Every major league team has a pre-game ritual and we were no different. Roger climbed our maple tree and hung from his knees. This dare-devil feat was never mastered by anyone else, either through fear of falling or out of respect for Roger. Once he climbed down, we began the battle to see who was up first. Our style was a little different from the Tigers’. We simply picked a member of each team, and the hand that landed on the top of the bat had first ups.

Nobody had a glove, at least not during the first few games. I think one appeared at some point, but it might have been a lefty because if an outfielder had the good luck to catch the ball, it immediately rolled out of the glove and unto the grass. The batter was safe, and a cheer went up from the kids at home plate. The glove was discarded as a useless piece of leather destined to outwit anyone who wore it.

In those days, nobody had money for fancy equipment. The glove was probably fished out of an old barrel in someone’s garage or barn. Our bases were anything handy. They might have been stones or pieces of wood. There was no definite distance between bases. We spaced them as far apart as we thought necessary. Third was usually closer to home than first was to second. If one of our dogs was feeling frisky, it wasn’t uncommon for him to pick up a base and carry it away.

Rex was the home run hitter. One swing of the bat and we knew he didn’t have to run. He could take his time as he walked the bases while an outfielder crossed the road to find the ball. Sometimes it landed among the weeds in the ditch. Other times it disappeared completely and we resorted to the wiffle ball. I loved that ball because it was much easier to hit than the regular softball.

We laughed, we yelled, we argued, and we played as if that summer would never end. It did, of course, as all summers must end, but it left enough memories for a lifetime. Now when I see the sun bidding farewell to the day, I recall the summer of 1958 when the sun dipped low, our game ended, and the sideroad kids went home.

Siblings and a City Dog

Jude did her best to entertain my brother, Ed, and me, but she wasn’t always successful. Asking us to climb in a wagon is one example of a “good time” that backfired. She probably intended to pull us up and down our lane or maybe even down the road and pretend we were having an adventure, but the last place Ed and I wanted to be was in a Service Truck wagon. I’m sure he would have preferred to build roads in our sandbox, and I wanted to be in the house where my dolls were waiting for me and the tea party I had promised them.

Occasionally Jude and I deserted our brother and walked across the road to Uncle Steve’s home, especially when our aunt and uncle from Detroit visited for two weeks during the summer. They had no offspring so their dog, Topsy, was as spoiled as a child without siblings. We were allowed to play with her if we promised no rough-housing. At the first whimper of distress, we were told to go home and not come back until we knew how to treat a “city” dog.

Jude scoffed at the very idea. City dog, indeed. The older she got, the more she preferred our dogs, Pepper and Sparky, who loved to roll in cow manure, chase the cats, and act like perfectly normal country dogs. Naturally, she wouldn’t have dreamed of telling our Detroit relatives that she considered Topsy a sissy, a crybaby, and a thorough disgrace to the canine kingdom. When she died at the ripe old age of fifteen, Uncle Francis was lost without her, but Jude and I were not. We’d had enough of a dog that wore ribbons in her hair and preferred a bowl of expensive food to a fresh bone from the butcher shop.

Topsy was the only city dog we ever knew. My aunt and uncle felt it would be unkind to her memory if another dog replaced her.

It’s Gonna Be a Scorcher

In the old days, we were told to head for the river after we finished our morning chores because it was gonna be a scorcher. The best way to stay cool was to swim among the yellow lily pads in the river’s lovely cold water. Unfortunately, there was no efficient way to cool the house other than putting screens in the windows, and all that did was let in more hot air. The screens were surrounded by a wooden frame and adjusted to fit the window. As well as letting in the heat, they weren’t very effective in keeping out flies and mosquitoes. When the day waned and a cool breeze blew through them, they did aid in cooling the downstairs rooms, but they didn’t give much relief to the upstairs bedrooms.

Keeping cool in the car was a real challenge. Naturally, we rolled down the windows but that created another problem. Our sideroad and Six Mile Road were not paved. A five-mile trip to Brimley on scorcher Sunday mornings meant we choked on dust filling the car. When we could no longer breathe, we rolled up the windows and roasted. Dad smoked in those days, so along with dust in our lungs, we inhaled puffs of unfiltered Camels. By the time we got to church, our clothes were dusty, our throats were parched, our parents were arguing, and we dreaded the hour we would spend listening to the priest yell at us.

Scorchers had the ability to bring out the worst in people. Mom used to say we could pile on the clothes in cold weather, but there was only so much we could take off during a hot spell. Of course, this is no longer true. Women now parade around in skimpy outfits and men strip down to Bermuda shorts and sandals. People were modest in the old days. Gals were horrified if their bra strap was visible or their slip showed. Fellows kept their hairy chests, knobby knees, bony legs, and chipped toenails well under cover.

We either had more self-respect in the old days or we were incredibly dumb. Most country kids minded our parents. It was drilled into girls to act “lady-like.” For me, that meant wearing clothing that concealed everything. I had more pedal pushers than shorts and more long-sleeved blouses than sleeveless ones. The hemlines of my skirts and dresses were well below my knees. Every button on my blouse was buttoned. Even during a scorcher, I preferred to stay indoors and read rather than venture outside without the cover of plaid shirts and overalls.

I shudder to think what scorchers will do to people in the future. Those who have no air conditioning in their homes or vehicles will melt like ice cream cones in ninety-degree weather. Tempers will rise to the boiling point. And kids who once would have taken to neighborhood rivers will stay locked in their bedrooms, oblivious to everything but the electronic screens in front of them.

The Wounds of Youth

Many years ago, my brother and I were fighting over a pencil. I remember the event as if it happened yesterday because it was the only argument in which one of us sustained an injury. Usually we fought with words. Nothing bad, of course, but since we listened to a fire and brimstone priest every Sunday, the worst we came up with was threatening each other with hellfire. I can’t imagine kids doing that today, but in the old days hell was as real to us as the cows in our pasture.

I had just sharpened a pencil to finish a project I was working on. Mom had purchased a set of workbooks and encouraged us to play “school” during summer so we wouldn’t forget everything we had learned during our nine months of educational confinement. Arithmetic and spelling were at the top of the list as were books full of mazes and puzzles to hone our critical thinking skills. We didn’t know what “critical thinking” meant, but we had fun finding our way out of a maze or following the dots to see what we had created.

Anyway, instead of sitting at the table, I had chosen the purple couch in the far front room and put the workbook on my lap. Ed wanted my pencil. I don’t remember if the point on his was dull or if it was too short to sharpen. Being an inconsiderate older sister, I said no and that’s when the struggle began. My brother grabbed the eraser end, and I clung to the pointy end. We were quite young, our hands were small, the pencil was sharp, and the fight was on.

It didn’t last long. I have no analytical ability. It never occurred to me that if he let go, the freshly sharpened pencil I was determined to hold on to would puncture my thigh. Although my brother was two years my junior, he was very clever. He realized I would never relinquish my hold so he relinquished his. When he gave up, the force of thrust caused me to stab myself with the sharp end. To this day, the bit of graphite that went through my pedal pushers and lodged in my left inner thigh is still there.

Naturally, I howled like a wolf baying at the moon. Mom ran from the kitchen and inspected the wound. She said I would live and returned to the kitchen. Ed magically disappeared, and my sister was not home. I was left alone to nurse the puncture wound and feel sorry for myself, a youthful trait some relatives say I never left in childhood. What got me thinking about the pencil fight was the realization that the speck of graphite is no longer visible. Its disappearance wasn’t the result of surgical removal, but of weight gain. Now that my thighs are much larger, the proof of a childhood scrimmage is history.

And so it goes. We age, we change, but we never forget the pencil fight when we were scarred for life until weight gain hid any trace that the battle ever occurred.

Cows on the Road

Recently, I was returning home from Sault Ste. Marie via Six Mile Road and noticed cars were slowing down as they neared an Amish farm. When I approached, it became obvious what was causing the commotion. Three Black Angus had walked through the fence, crossed the ditch, and were strolling down the road. A young Amish boy was trying to herd the cattle back through the hole from which they had escaped.

It took only a moment to pass by and continue on my way so I have no idea how much luck he had in corralling his charges, but the sight brought back memories from when I was young. On summer afternoons, it wasn’t uncommon to see milk cows on the road. In the old days, such animals were essential to anyone living on a farm. Cows were social creatures. If they saw a downed barbed wire fence, they took advantage of it and made the rounds. In other words, they visited neighboring bovines.

When we saw cows on the loose, we knew they belonged to the neighbors who lived south or north of us. It didn’t take long to get a switch, turn the cows around and walk them back to their own barnyard. However, if we didn’t recognize the bossies, we knew they had meandered from one road over. In olden days, the fields were not overgrown so once the cows were free, they easily traveled a mile or two without undue hindrance. Away from their own pastures, they could sample fresh grass, sip a cool drink from the river and continue on their adventure. They feared nothing. If a dog chased them, they’d land a kick on its nose and that was the end of the chase. Usually, no more than four dairy cows made the trip. The others had the good sense to stay put, enjoy their own grass and seek shelter from the afternoon sun in their own woods. Eventually the owner of the wayward cows would come looking for them, round them up and walk them home.

In an old picture album, there are photographs of our Herefords in the front yard of Bill Sarley’s home. Our beef cattle pastured down the road from us. They had eighty acres in which to roam, but maybe they were bored and wanted to journey beyond their familiar confines. Bill’s house was only a short distance away. When he saw the cattle grazing on his grass, he walked to our place and told my parents where their Herefords were having lunch. Dad got in his truck and drove Bill home. I don’t know which one snapped the photos or how long it took them to round up the cows, but the pictures tell the story of two men sitting on a bench and enjoying a beer before tending to the Herefords.

Such was life in the 1950s when cows and men got along.

The TV is Snowy

Dad bought our first television in 1957. When it was deposited in our front room and plugged in, the event was as momentous as the moon landing. However, it was a Herculean task to adjust the outside antenna until it delivered something other than snow to the screen. Dad climbed a ladder to the roof and fiddled with the antenna. We ran to our posts. Mom watched the screen and alerted us when the snow disappeared and a picture appeared. Ed stood at the kitchen door and yelled the good news to me. From the back shed, I yelled to my sister who stood outside. She yelled to Dad, and he descended the ladder. Success had been achieved.

I don’t remember the picture being perfectly clear because there was always a hint of snow, but it didn’t bother us. Chores were temporarily forgotten and popcorn was popped. We plunked in our favorite chairs and glued our eyes to the screen, hoping something other than the test pattern would miraculously appear.

In the early days, there was no such thing as color, so naturally all the shows were in black-and-white. I have no recollection of the first program we watched, but I do remember comics like Red Skelton and Jack Benny. The only children’s show that comes to mind is Buffalo Bob’s “Howdy Doody.” Howdy was as memorable a character as Dilly Dally, Mr. Bluster, and Clarabell the Clown.