The Sound of My Voice E-Book

Ron Butlin

• Herausgeber: Polygon
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2018

Seitenzahl: 185

Beschreibung

Morris Magellan wakes one morning to find himself stuck in a corporate job and living the suburban dream with a wife and two children, except this dream feels like a nightmare. Out of his depth and starting to drift from reality, we meet Morris at the precipice. Bit by bit he is losing his struggle with addiction – he just doesn't know it yet. His only solace and escape from suburban family life and corporate duties is music and alcohol. His life is soundtracked with symphonies and concertos, every note, and every drink, carries him from moment to moment hoping to salvage something of himself before that too slips from his grasp. Harrowing but compellingly written, with humour and compassion, The Sound of My Voice is a stylistic masterpiece that presents conflict between a man's cowardice and cruelty, and a desperate attempt to recover his humanity.

Leseprobe

THE SOUND OF MY VOICE

With an international reputation as a prize-winning novelist, Ron Butlin is a former Edinburgh Poet Laureate. Before becoming a writer he was a barnacle-scraper on Thames barges, a pop-song lyricist, a footman and a male model. He has published nearly twenty books; his work has won many prizes and been widely translated. His novel, Ghost Moon, was nominated for the international IMPAC Prize 2016. He lives in Edinburgh with his wife, the writer Regi Claire, and their dog.

ALSO BY RON BUTLIN

FICTION

The Tilting Room

Night Visits

Vivaldi and the Number 3

Belonging

No More Angels

Ghost Moon

Billionaires’ Banquet

Steve & FranDan Take on the World

POETRY

The Wonnerfu Warld o John MiltonStretto

Creatures Tamed by Cruelty

The Exquisite Instrument

Ragtime in Unfamiliar Bars

Histories of Desire

Without a Backward Glance

The Magicians of Edinburgh

The Magicians of Scotland

The Scottish Book of Rain

DRAMA AND OPERA

The Music Box

Blending In

We’ve Been Had

Sweet Dreams

Markheim

Faraway Pictures

Good Angel / Bad Angel

The Perfect Woman

The Money Man

Wedlock

CHILDREN’S

Here Come the Trolls!

Day of the Trolls!

THE SOUND OF MY VOICE

Ron Butlin

This edition published in Great Britain in 2018 by

Polygon, an imprint of Birlinn Ltd.

West Newington House

10 Newington Road

Edinburgh

EH9 1QS

1

www.polygonbooks.co.uk

First published in 1987 by Canongate.

Copyright © Ron Butlin, 1987

Foreword copyright © Irvine Welsh, 2001

ISBN 978 1 84697 422 9

eBook ISBN 978 0 85790 998 5

The right of Ron Butlin to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patent Act 1988.

All rights reserved.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

A catalogue record for this book is available on request from the British Library

Typeset in Verdigris MVB by Polygon

Printed in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, St Ives

To Regi

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

The publisher is grateful to the Village Voice Literary Supplement for permission to reprint ‘Great Scot’ by Irvine Welsh as the foreword to this edition.

FOREWORD

If you ask any student of Celtic literature to name the classic works of fiction originating from Scotland in the last twenty or so years, the list would be pretty predictable. It’s a racing cert that Janice Galloway’s The Trick is to Keep Breathing, William Mcllvanney’s Docherty, James Kelman’s The Bus Conductor Hines, Alasdair Gray’s Lanark, and Iain Banks’ The Wasp Factory would all figure prominently. One book which probably won’t be referenced by many people is a novel written by a Scottish poet called Ron Butlin, entitled The Sound of My Voice.

To my mind this book is one of the greatest pieces of fiction to come out of Britain in the 80s and I’m still a little astonished at the way it has been neglected.

Butlin’s protagonist, Morris Magellan, is an executive who runs a biscuit company. He seems to embody the narrow vision of 80s-style success: good job, house in the suburbs, nice wife and kids, conformist lifestyle. In short, Morris seems on the surface to be an embodiment of Thatcherite values. However, there’s one major problem: he is a chronic alcoholic, and, as we join his story, well on in the process of disintegration.

Unlike the New York- and London-based antiheroes of the yuppie novel, Morris does not emerge as a mere victim of 80s excess. There is no prospect of him chilling out a little, taking it easy, finding his level, perhaps redefining his life values. Morris isn’t a coke-and booze-bingeing style victim in Manhattan’s Lower East Side or London’s West End, with perhaps one eye on the clock, hoping to meet Ms Right and acquire the two kids and the suburban home that will straighten everything out.

He already has all this and it hasn’t straightened out anything. That’s what’s so genuinely subversive about The Sound of My Voice: the way Butlin ruthlessly and skilfully subverts the cosy oedipal trajectory, that tiresome but omnipresent fictional journey where the hero slays his demons and marries the beautiful princess. From the start, we sense that the guy is doomed. So Morris becomes a far more terrifying ghost at the feast of 80s consumerism than your stock McInerney-Amis character could ever be.

The dissonant relationship between the central character’s internal life and the external world with its harsh lights and sharp edges is best bridged by alcohol, what he calls his universal solvent. Butlin’s book is a stylistic triumph, realising this relationship by utilising a second-person narrative that allows Morris’s inner voice to maintain a clarity as his life increasingly disintegrates.

You had just begun to climb the stairs when you met her coming down.

A moment’s pause, then you said, ‘Hello, I was just coming to wake you. It’s a lovely day outside.’

She stopped a few steps above you. She had already dressed, but she could only just have got up. Did she believe you? It wasn’t really a lie, anyway: it was a lovely day, and it would have been a good idea to have woken her, to have surprised her.

By adopting this device Butlin forces us to empathise with Morris, insinuating the reader into the core of his life, yet simultaneously, and strangely, producing a sense of distance. It’s as if the reader becomes the central character, yet has no control over his actions. This control, of course, rests with the drug. Butlin is too disciplined a writer of prose fiction to indulge in crude pseudo-psychological and sociological pontification as to the cause of Morris’s illness. His principal concern is to arrive at an understanding of its nature through its effects and his character’s attempt to manage it. Yet the skilful backdrop he paints affords us occasional glimpses of a man whose mind is moving too quickly, sharply, and restlessly for the banalities of bourgeois life, giving everything far too much of a jagged, cutting focus. The drug slows things down and smooths out the rough edges.

Why was The Sound of My Voice not given its due credit when it was first published? Well, it’s decidedly not a feel-good novel. More importantly, it went (and goes) against the grain of the times in a quiet but ultimately implacable and uncompromising way. Every age exerts its cultural hegemony and Thatcherite Britain did this more rigorously than most. Butlin’s book was perhaps too ahead of its time for the 80s; its unremitting, if implicit, criticism of a spiritually vacuous, socially conformist age is far more unsettling than many of the more celebrated, overtly polemical works of fiction Scotland produced at this time.

As we move very tentatively forward from this era, I anticipate that The Sound of My Voice will receive the recognition it deserves as a major novel of its time and type.

Irvine Welsh, 2001

THE SOUND OF MY VOICE

1

You were at a party when your father died – and immediately you were told, a miracle happened. A real miracle. It didn’t last, of course, but was convincing enough for a few moments. An hour later, you took a girl home and tried to make love to her. You held on to her as she pleaded with you: even now her distress is still the nearest you have come to feeling grief at your father’s death. You are thirty-four years old; everything that has ever happened to you is still happening.

Whenever you were driven from the village in your father’s car you would look out of the rear window to keep your house – a single-storey cottage – in sight for as long as you could. The road climbed a steep hill, and as more of the village, then the surrounding fields and woods, became visible, you strained to fix your eyes on the white walls of the cottage, trying not to blink nor look aside even for one second. There was never a point when the house actually disappeared, only the sudden realisation that it had just done so, as, for a second, though without meaning to, you relaxed your concentration and lost sight of it.

Later, as your father drove back down the hill on your return to the village, you began anxiously to check off each familiar landmark leading to your house: the manse, then the horse-field, the wooden barn. ‘It might not be there, it might not be there,’ you kept repeating under your breath. By the time you came level with Keir’s orchard you had worked yourself into a state of almost unbearable uncertainty. Then, very slowly, you turned in the direction of your home. You prolonged this anxiety, this anguish, for as long as you could. It was, you knew, a measure of the joy that would come as soon as you glimpsed the white colour once more: your cottage at the foot of the hill.

When the car stopped you scrambled out. Your parents got the shopping from the boot, quite unaware of the miracle happening around them: you had left and had now returned to the very same place. Everything you knew about yourself was once more affirmed: your pleasure at making the unoiled gate screech; your fear of the dog in the next garden; your anticipation of going soon to gather the hens’ eggs. In returning you home, your father had again restored you to yourself. You looked at the familiar surroundings, silently greeting each aspect of them in turn, then gazed at him in wonder and gratitude. He slammed the boot shut and went indoors.

One afternoon he took you and your mother for a picnic. He drove twenty miles into the Border hills, the windows wide open to let in a draught of fresh air. Every so often he had to stop to allow the radiator to cool. The first time he took off the cap you saw the boiling water shoot into the air. You thought it great fun.

‘Will we get another fountain?’ you asked hopefully each time the car stopped. You were three years old and still believed he would respond to you.

Eventually he took a small side road and climbed the last mile or so to a disused farm. The car was parked in the yard and the three of you got out.

It was even hotter here and without a breath of wind. The snowcemmed walls of the abandoned buildings seemed themselves to be giving off heat. There were broken bricks and cobbles scattered across the yard like small hillocks, so overgrown were they with weeds and long grass. A harvester rusted in one corner, its paint flaked off at your touch; around it in the grass were several milk-churns, mostly on their sides. The windows and doors were broken, and it amused you to see small birds flying in and out of the house – one even perched on the window-frame for a few seconds and sang.

‘That’s his house now,’ you told your parents, for when you approached him he flew into the room and stared at you from the mantelpiece as you looked in through the window.

It was dark and cool in the byre; there was a smell of hay and the roof had small chinks through which you could see sunlight and the sky. After a few minutes, however, you shivered. It felt chill suddenly, and you stepped back out into the yard.

At first you thought that the ruin and collapse of the farm must have happened all at once. You imagined that the farmer in a fit of terrible anger one day had smashed the windows, torn the doors from their hinges; you could picture him astride the roof, ripping up the tiles, then, standing at his full height, hurling them to shatter on the cobbles below. In fact, you were afraid that he might appear at any moment – and if he himself hadn’t done all this, he might very well accuse you and your parents.

You were about to leave when you noticed a large trough set on the ground near the byre doorway. It was like a wash-hand basin, but almost big enough to be a bath. The water in it was filthy, with a greenish scum on top. Although you felt frightened of leaning over the basin, of placing yourself so close to the green slime, you reached forward to turn on the tap. The handle was very stiff.

You kept trying, but still it wouldn’t turn. You used both hands and stood with your legs apart – your whole weight and strength concentrated on opening the tap. You could hear your mother shouting for you to come but you wouldn’t give up, and kept tugging at the handle. Standing there in that hillside farm you could see across the entire valley; it was a clear summer’s day. You shut your eyes to make an extra effort.

And suddenly it gave. The water gushed out at full force, splashing you, and giving you such a fright you stepped backwards – straight into your father.

‘Will you come when you’re told?’ he said angrily, taking you by the shoulders. ‘What are you playing at?’

‘I—’ you began.

But already he had turned away from you and was closing the tap. A small trickle was left running, however – you tried to point it out to him but he paid no attention.

‘Can you not leave things alone?’ he continued. ‘Your mother’s been calling you. Come on, we’re going to have the picnic.’

Over by a gap in the yard wall stood your mother, dressed in a billowy summer frock. She had the picnic basket at her feet; she was waving, beckoning. She is dead now – and so is your father, but they were there with you in that farmyard over thirty years ago. You walked across the fields with your father at your left, your mother at your right. You had given them each a hand and were keeping up as best you could: three steps to your father’s one, two steps to your mother’s.

After a short walk you stopped on the slope of the hill. The rug was spread on the grass. Your mother unpacked the basket and then began laying out sandwiches, a tea-flask, lemonade and some fruit, while your father smoked a cigarette. The hill overlooked the main road, and after a few minutes you asked if you could go and play with the toy car and caravan parked in the layby below.

Your mother laughed, saying that it wasn’t a model but big and full-sized. You didn’t believe her – you could see quite clearly that it was no larger than your thumb-nail.

You got up and began running down the hill.

They shouted after you to come back, to watch the road. Even now, over thirty years later, you sometimes sense your father stumbling after you, still trying to catch up with you. So you ran faster.

The car and caravan are not far away now – and you can’t wait to begin playing with them. The car is blue and the caravan is white with a step at the door. Almost there, you run with your hands stretched out in front.

The ground is levelling now – you are only a few yards away when all at once the car and caravan become full-sized.

You stop in astonishment. Then you go back a few yards – and forwards again more slowly. Again they change size. A woman carrying a pail comes out of the caravan and, seeing you, halts on the step. She asks if you want anything.

You stare at her, then retreat until everything has become small again. You pause briefly before approaching once more. Then retreat. Back and forwards you blunder along this critical distance until, by the time your father arrives, you are nearly in tears. You are too distressed to speak.

Firstly, he goes and talks to the woman for a few moments; they glance over at you and laugh, then he takes your hand and leads you up the hill.

You looked back only once – everything had returned to being small again. At the picnic place you sat on the rug, lemonade in one hand and a sandwich in the other, staring down at the layby and trying to understand what had happened.

You ate and drank without enjoyment, staring straight ahead. Your mother, meanwhile, began a series of explanations – and although you didn’t understand the meaning, you repeated the words she said inside yourself like a charm against your disappointment.

‘Things far away from you seem smaller than they are – but really they are the same size all the time,’ she told you, adding, ‘just like that farm you were in. See.’ She pointed back up the hill.

You turned round, knowing already what you were going to see. You had walked across the courtyard, stood in the barn and the byre; you had been hardly able to reach through the broken kitchen window – and yet there was the entire farm in the distance, as small as the car and caravan below.

‘When I go away from here will I get smaller?’ you asked.

Your father lit another cigarette and said that you were stupid.

‘Will I?’ you repeated anxiously after a moment.

‘No, of course not,’ your mother answered.

But there was the farm you had explored, where you had turned on the tap – a full-sized house, sheds, harvester, a large yard – now a model farm. The tap was still running, you remembered, and for some reason, knowing this made you feel very sad, desolate. You continued your picnic, and whenever the memory of your disappointment became unbearable, you repeated your mother’s explanation, that charm, into yourself: ‘Things far away from you seem smaller . . .’

Quite casually she then went on to tell you that the sun was really a thousand times bigger than the whole world – it looked small just because it was very far away, she remarked. After a few moments you asked: ‘Do people ever go to the sun?’

‘No,’ came the reply, ‘it’s much too hot.’

So, you reasoned, the sun would always be far away and never get to its right size. Never. You were filled with a sense of injustice: some things would always get to be their right size, but the sun – never.

‘It’s not fair!’ you cried out. ‘It’s not fair!’

At this your father laughed out loud, but you were so upset that you ignored him.

‘How big is the world?’ you asked after a few moments.

‘As far as you can see,’ he replied, ‘and then there is always more. Go further and you’ll always see more of it ahead of you.

‘See that farm,’ he pointed, ‘if you went out through the front door and kept walking in a straight line for long enough, you’d walk in through the back door – now d’you understand?’

You could sense his pleasure in deliberately confusing you – but one thing at least seemed clear: ‘There’ll always be some bits that are far away then, and not their right size?’ you asked.

He smoked his cigarette and said nothing.

You hesitated, then prompted him a moment later: ‘Always?’

‘Yes, always,’ he replied abruptly.

If only, you thought to yourself, you could be everywhere at once so that nothing was ever far away but was its right size. Even for one moment.

Suddenly you remembered the running tap in the farmyard, and knew that when you went back to the car you would have an opportunity to turn it off. Also, it would be its right size when you were there.

A sense of joy began to fill you as you sat anticipating this. You gazed out beyond the road, across the Borders landscape as far as you could see. It was as if you had already turned off the tap, as if you had reached out and briefly were touching everything in sight – even the furthest hills.

However, during the thirty years since then you have learned to reason much better; these days, in fact, you rarely feel sadness or even the slightest disappointment. Soon you will be able to reason well enough to feel nothing at all.

Fear. Standing on the bottom step of the hall stairs while grasping on to the wooden banisters, ‘frozen’ as in a game of statues. Alert. Listening outside the lounge door, trying desperately to make out the tone of his voice or the quality of his silence, as though your life depended upon it. Which, of course, it did – and has done ever since. Terrified to enter the room he was in – and yet quite unable to go away.

You wanted to approach him where he sat in his armchair – just to say ‘Hello’ and perhaps touch the back of his hand lying on the armrest. But even to imagine that as having been an actual event in your childhood, if you thought about it now more than thirty years later, would make you catch your breath in fear.

Had he glanced at you, smiled and replied to your greeting; had that commonplace event ever happened, even once, it would have been the miracle to change your life. One moment of certainty that for all the years to come would have been yours to recall at will, saying to yourself: that was me.

Instead you spent your entire childhood in the corridor, as it were, knowing full well that if you dared to enter the room and address him or touch the back of his hand – if you dared, that is, to make the slightest demand upon him – he would ignore you. Or, at best, he would turn in your direction without speaking one word, his glance saying quite clearly: ‘Well, and what could you possibly have to say to me?’ Any affection you showed, he withdrew from. Any love you expressed, he crushed utterly.