Without My Father E-Book

Rose Daniel

• Herausgeber: Clink Street Publishing
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019

Beschreibung

Daniel describes in intimate detail the days leading up to, and following on from, his father's passing. Initially in denial that he could ever lose his father, he has to eventually face the inevitable outcome that his father does not have long to live. Daniel's journey, as he documents his year of mourning in 2016 and onwards, is a heart-breaking story, as he struggles to cope with his loss and new-found responsibilities, whilst reflecting on life after death. Denial, acceptance, grief and depression; Daniel attempts to survive throughout the year, drawing strength from his faith in God, his religion and the love and support of his family, along with the guidance and wisdom that his late father provided, enabling him to finally face the future with positivity. This book is a must-read for anybody struggling to cope with the loss of a loved one.

Leseprobe

Without My Father

A year of mourning and reflection

Daniel Rose

This book is dedicated to the beloved memory of my father, Mark Maurice Rose, Mordechai Moshe Ben Arieh. May his memory forever be a blessing.

For my Mother, Ruth, with eternal gratitude for her love, support and wisdom.

For my children, Natan and Yaniv, who bring me so much pride.

Contents

Title PageDedicationEpigraphPrologueChapter 1Denial and AcceptanceChapter 2EndingsChapter 3GriefChapter 4DepressionChapter 5Looking to the futureEpilogueCopyright

If by attending shul and reciting the kaddish prayer, was even in the slightest way helping my father’s journey, then it was not in my nature to even question what I was doing.

Prologue

Wednesday, 26th August 2015

The plane touched down on the tarmac at Ben Gurion Airport. As some of the passengers started to clap (a usual occurrence when landing in Israel), I glanced at my parents who were both smiling. I had gotten divorced in the January of that year and was still adjusting to not being with my two sons every day. My sons had gone away that week with their mother, and when my parents invited me to join them in Israel for a week’s holiday, I jumped at the chance.

Dad had been lacking in any sort of energy lately, and I was relieved when he chose to hitch a ride in the buggy to passport control with Mum. We arrived in Netanya at approximately 7 pm. There was some sort of a festival going on, and it took the taxi driver a while to navigate through the crowd to get to the front of the hotel.

Once we were in our rooms, I was hoping we would venture out for dinner, but Dad was clearly exhausted. I went downstairs to get falafel in pitta for everyone, which we ate in my parents’ room. I assumed that Dad just needed a good night’s sleep and would feel better in the morning.

My parents spent most of their time at the hotel pool, napped in the afternoons and went out to local places for dinner. I spent most of my days at the beach and catching up with friends.

Friday, 28th August sticks in my mind for a variety of reasons. Dad would always go to shul (synagogue) on Friday night when in Israel, but he felt too tired to go this time. I met my parents in their room, and we went downstairs to the hotel restaurant for dinner. Dad turned to me and asked me to make kiddush (the blessing over the wine, ushering in the Sabbath). I was shocked. Dad had never asked me to make kiddush on his behalf. He was very much of the opinion that as ‘head of the family’ it was his right and I had never really given it much thought. I asked him why and he said that he was finding it difficult to remember the words. Dad had made kiddush for us as a family and for Mum on every Shabbat and Chag (Jewish holiday) for our entire lives and I was very concerned at this admission but at the time I put it down to tiredness and old age. I made kiddush and we enjoyed a nice meal together.

Towards the end of my stay I had encouraged Mum and Dad to come to the beach with me for a swim. It did take some persuasion, but there was a lift that we could get down the cliff, avoiding the stairs, so they finally agreed. I helped Mum into the sea and a wave immediately knocked her over. I rushed to help her up and to my delight she was laughing and I guided her to some calmer water (at the request of the lifeguard who was shouting at me).

Dad had also gone for a swim. Just before we left the beach, he walked up to the sea, hands behind his back and gazed thoughtfully out at the horizon for about five minutes. I took a picture of him. To this day I wish I had asked him what he was thinking about.

Four months later my father passed away.

Chapter 1

Denial and Acceptance

1

It must have been in October of 2015 that the vomiting started. Dad had been feeling increasingly tired and weak. I wasn’t too concerned and again put it down to old age, but the vomiting continued with no signs of letting up. I was also worried that my mother, who not in the best of health, was doing her best to look after Dad and was having to clear up the vomit at all hours of the day and night. The vomiting did not let up and Mum eventually called an ambulance. The paramedics assessed my father and took him to A&E at Barnet Hospital. As soon as I heard, I drove down there and my sister Abigail did the same. The doctor, after the usual waiting for many hours did a few tests on my father and dismissed him with a case of having a stomach virus. We were all relieved that there was nothing more sinister and I took my parents home.

The vomiting did not stop and my parents decided to see a private doctor to get some more tests done. I can recall Mum on the phone to the doctor and being told that he had an appointment available that Friday evening. Mum responded that it was the Jewish Sabbath and they would be unable to attend and she made an appointment for the following week. As soon as Mum got off the phone I told her to phone straight back and make the appointment for Friday night and that I would drive them there and back. Dad agreed much to my amazement – for him to get in a car on Shabbat was unthinkable and made us realise how worried he must have been to have ever agreed to this.

Once again my sister Abigail joined us and a variety of tests were done on Dad. The doctor called him the following week on the 25th November. He was very concerned about my father’s blood levels which he said were off the scale and that he had written a letter, and Dad needed to get himself admitted to A&E at Barnet hospital again for further tests and a possible blood transfusion.

Dad had never been in hospital overnight before except for that same year in May when he had had a pacemaker fitted. We waited as usual for a long time in triage until he was eventually seen by a doctor and was finally allocated a room in a ward upstairs. We accompanied him there and made sure he was settled. He was so tired and lay in bed with his eyes closed with Mum holding his hand. He was put on an IV drip the following day and also given a blood transfusion. The next few days consisted of picking up my mother and heading to the hospital and doing our best to keep Dad’s spirits up. I still did not think at this point that there was anything majorly wrong and can even remember with Mum, discussing with the doctor our concerns over Dad’s driving which had become increasingly worse over the years.

Then the bombshell: ‘We have discovered a shadow on your pancreas. But at this point we are more concerned about stabilising your blood levels.’ Even at this time I was still in denial. I didn’t have a clue what the pancreas was or what purpose it served. I shared the doctor’s concern that the first priority was sorting out the blood levels, and the mass detected on the pancreas would be sorted at a later date.

2

Dad’s strength continued to lessen. He had been unable to keep a meal down for a long time. The doctors were trying to bulk him up with a liquid diet but he was finding it hard to even consume one carton. His legs had virtually no strength in them and the nurses were helping him to try to walk again, steadying him as he held on to a walker. The days continued to pass and I was doing my best to juggle my commitments to my children and spend as much time at hospital with Dad as I could.

My parents had brought us up in an orthodox household but I continued to visit him – even on Shabbat. I couldn’t stand the thought of him spending all day alone. I was living in Collier Row at the time. The first time I appeared on Shabbat I was worried he would tell me off but he was just happy to see me and did not mention the day.

I tried to carry on during this time as best I could. I took the children to the cinema one night and even went to a fancy dress party for a friend’s 40th and I recall taking my eldest son Natan to Imax to see the new James Bond movie, which I had booked months earlier followed by a meal at Reubens in Baker Street.

On the 9th December 2015, Dad was discharged from hospital. The doctors had been talking about him going home for a while and we had discussed palliative care. On one occasion I had left the hospital to meet someone at my parents’ house to install a few items to make things easier for Dad on his return home. All I can really remember was a device to go over the toilet seat with a handrail to enable Dad to ease himself up more easily. The man who delivered the items was in the house for less than half an hour and I then drove back to Barnet Hospital.

I was pleased that Dad was going home. I knew he would be more comfortable and steady in familiar surroundings but I was worried about Mum and how she was going to cope with looking after him. So far, Mum had been fantastic in staying with Dad every day in hospital and coping with the late evenings, but I knew that sooner or later it would all catch up with her. Dad was discharged that evening. It was a cold, rainy Wednesday night and we packed up Dad’s belongings. He was helped into a wheelchair and I wheeled him down to the hospital reception and left him with Mum so that I could bring the car nearer to the entrance. Dad was in his dressing gown and slippers. He hadn’t had the energy to get dressed. I couldn’t help thinking that it might have been better for him to stay one more night rather than discharging him so late in the evening, but he was so relieved to be going home that I couldn’t help but be happy for him. I wheeled him over to the car and had to practically lift him up and lower him into the car seat. I was horrified at how light he felt and was concerned at how he was going to manage at home if he couldn’t lift himself out of the wheelchair. We arrived back at my parent’s house in Southgate. I double parked outside and once again I had to almost lift Dad out of the car and then helped him into the house and into a chair at the dining table. I went back outside to find a place to park and entered the house again. It was the fourth night of Chanukah (an eight day festival which celebrates the reclaiming of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem by a small band of Jews, led by Judah Macabee, which was then rededicated to the service of G-d) and the first thing we did was light the Chanukiah and sing Hanerot Halalu and Ma’oz Tzur. It was so nice to see Dad back home and heart-warming to see that the first thing he wanted to do was celebrate Chanukah back in his own home. I hung around for a bit but knew that Dad just wanted to go to bed so I gave him a hug and told him how pleased I was that he was back home again. I gave Mum a kiss and left.

That was the last night Dad would sleep at home.

3

I got home that night feeling exhausted as usual and went to bed shortly after. The next morning I called to see how he was doing. The news from Mum wasn’t good. Dad was vomiting uncontrollably again. Mum called an ambulance and I headed straight over. When I got there, I found Dad sitting in a chair in the bedroom. He was trying to make light of the situation and even placed a cardboard carton from the hospital over his head wondering if it would suit him as a hat. We really didn’t want Dad to go back to hospital but knew he could not carry on like this.

The ambulance took almost five hours to arrive. The paramedics (especially the female one) were very caring. They were horrified that he had been discharged in that state, which left me feeling upset. They helped Dad out to the ambulance. Mum got in with him and I locked up the house and headed towards Barnet Hospital again, phoning my sisters and aunt en route to update them.

We arrived to complete chaos. There were so many people waiting to be admitted via ambulance that we had no choice but to wait with Dad in a very draughty corridor between the ambulance entrance and A&E. Dad looked terrible. He wasn’t talking much and I was trying to chat to him to keep his spirits up. The paramedic was fantastic and kept chatting with Dad and kept her hand reassuringly on his shoulder. My sister had arrived by now and I was comforted to see her. She was trying to cheer Mum up and engage us in conversation. Dad was finally admitted into the assessment area and a doctor once again came to see him. This doctor seemed to have actually read the notes and said he needed to be back on the ward. Dad was feeling really cold, despite the heat inside the hospital and I took my coat off and placed it over his chest. It must have been almost midnight at this point and I suggested that Abigail take our mother home and get some sleep and I would stay with Dad. It was almost 2 am by the time a bed was found and I accompanied him up to the ward and unpacked his things. Dad got into bed and I kissed him goodnight before heading home.