Alcohol addiction on expert mode E-Book

Jan Nebelfrost

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Seitenzahl: 191

Beschreibung

As the protagonist Jan Fogfrost, I'll tell you how I managed to escape the vortex of addiction. I experienced a lot of funny but also a lot of embarrassing things as a result of my alcohol addiction. Nevertheless, I wanted to share my past and not withhold it. The book is not thick, but good.

Leseprobe

Content

1. Introduction of the family

2. Introduction of relatives

3. Kindergarden time

4. Memories from childhood

5. Criminal energy in the kiosk

6. Playing with fire

7. Judo club

8. Childhood accidents

9. Learning to swim

10. Divorce of parents

11. From farm to ghetto

12. It became wild

13. Orientation deficits

14. Loss of control

15. Up and away

16. Back to the hometown

17. Mark the big Max

18. Magic Mushrooms

19. Hard on it

20. First attempt at therapy

21. Hitchhiking

22. Surprise

23. Two weeks correctional facility & Court date

24. Not alone

25. Forensic psychiatry

26. Again without destination

27. Second pad

28. Little blue pill

29. German Bundeswehr

30. Medical opinion

31. From the street to the girlfriend

32. Court date

33. Therapy Preparation - Detoxification

34. Inpatient therapy

35. Outpatient therapy - resocialization

36. New beginning

37. Epilog

1. Introduction of the family

About myself: I liked to play with toy cars, had my own record player and also a cassette deck. I loved to listen to music. One day out father built a shelf in the children’s room, to the left of the window. After a short time there was a personal computer on the shelf. First a Commodore VC-20, later a C-64. My father often hogged it for himself and typed pages of code from the magazine »64er«. So he typed code from the magazin for days, only to have a blue hot air balloon made of »sprites« fly back and forth on the monitor. The experience was very impressive for me. So i already saw at that time that you could do more with the »bread box« than just play games.

My brother, who is two years younger, never had any trouble in school, to my memory. It was not an issue for him. He had a rather normal stature. My stature, on the other hand, was more like Dad’s. My brother Lothar quickly became interested in the sport of soccer. If you were looking for him, there weren’t many options. You could either find him on the soccer field or on the soccer field near our neighborhood. I usally got along well with Lothar. We also often played together in the room with the toy cars or with play figures like »He-Man«. We often acted out scenes from the television series »Masters of the Universe«.

Mom was always hardworking and loving. Besides all the household chores, she often had other work on the side. But she was also often away to earn money by cleaning. However, Mom always managed to keep the apartment clean. She was a real organizational talent. She used to learn the profession of soldering. Mom liked to knit or croche. And Mom liked to watch scary movies. One evening I secretly crept up to the entrance of the living room and lurked to the what Mom was watching on TV. And i saw on the TV how a man turned into a werewolf. As I learned years later, it was the movie »American Werewolf in London«. It was extremly scary for me and I quitly went back to bed. At night, I had a nasty nightmare. I woke up and cried. When mom came, I told her that I was lurking and she calmed me down.

Dad was tall and slim. He learned to be a car mechanic, but worked as a truck mechanic for a truck forwarding. He worked either early or late shifts. From time to time he was on call. As hobby he liked to tinker with model kits of the brand »Revell«. Beside aquaristics he was interested in electronics. Often he just soldered on small electronics parts for his models. His largest project and his pride and joy, was a landscape mounted on a wooden plate with of a model railroad. The panel was mounted behind the living room door and could simply be folded up or down. He often tried to get me interested in electronics. But electronics or electricity were never interesting to me.

Grandma and Grandpa from Dad’s side were very, very sweet and always obliging. Grandpa I had mostly sleeping on the couch in my memory. Grandma lovingly took care of Hansi the budgie. Grandpa and Grandma gave me a red BMX bike for my tenth birthday. They lived on the second floor directly on the street. There was a small garden with a cherry tree. Grandma often put grains in a small browl outside on the window sill for the birds. In colders seasons she hung titmouse dumplings in the garden. In general, she always had something for the birds. When visitors came at the weekend, there was a shot of brandy for the adults. I always found the smell interesting. Often, as a little boy, I tried to drink the leftovers. Sometimes the adults couldn’t stop me because I did it surprisingly fast. So there was a little gag made of it. In the walk-in attic, I and my cousin Tatjana played very often.

Grandma and Grandpa from Mom’s side were also always very, very sweet. They lived on a farm, but also moved to another farm once. In the past grandma and grandpa had cows, pigs, wolfdogs, chickens, geese, ponies and german shepard dogs. Since my mom had a total of twelve siblings, there was always quite a lot going on at the farm. On weekends, other relatives or acquaintances came to visit. And then grandpa would say to one of his older children »Come on, get the carriage ready, we’re going for a ride or two«. So then the carriage was brought out and grandpa then drove us kids through the peasantry. That was really great. I was the oldest grandson and so grandpa would always show me jokes, like how he’d tease others in a nasty way.

Grandpa was a heavy chain smoker and usally smoked four packs a day. Once he was sitting in the big living room and I was sitting next to him – we were watching TV. He lit a cigarette and waited until his daugther Hilde came. Hilde often walked back and forth and was an extremly restless person. When she came, he suddenly ashes on the carpet and shouted »Come on, Hilde! Get the vacuum cleaner! Someone has ash here!« Grandma and Hilde always cooked together for everyone and were a well-rehearsed team.

Once, when I was about eight or nine, Grandpa took me out back to the meadow by the ponies. He called a pony over and said »Go on, sit on it. You can go for a ride.« I didn’t suspect and swung myself onto the pony. Then Grandpa just said »Hold on to the mane!« and as soon as I grabbed it, he gave the pony a big slap on the butt. The pony galloped with me through the meadow and I was fully scared to fly down. The pony calmed down relativly quickly and stopped after half a round across the meadow. Crazy.

2. Introduction of relatives

My cousin Tatjana, that is, the daughter of Dad’s sister, was my best friend. She was a little older than me and always played with me when we were at Grandma’s house. She liked to play with Barbie dolls and listen to music, just like me. We would swing each other in a hammock. We picked cherries together in Grandma’s garden and drew roads on the concrete floor with chalk. We listened to the songs of the new German wave together. Tatjana was one of the most important people of my childhood – without her knowing it. It was a very familiar bond. I always got along well with her younger brothers. I also played with them when they visited Grandma. But not as much as with my cousin.

I could only play with the children of my mother’s siblings when we went to the farm. But we were there less often than at my grandma’s in the city. But here it was also fun, because the toys were completly different. Of course, there was also much more space. Outside we could drive around with small toy tractors and »play« farm. Of course, it was also cute to look at all the animals. Also the whole nature around was very inviting to discover. So we found species of insects that we could would encounter in an apartment on the second floor rather rarely to not at all.

We stayed there on weekends in a seperate room for guests. In the winter months it was often so very cold that they put a radiator in our room. To go to sleep, we received a hot water bottle to take to bed with them so that we could fall asleep better and not catch a cold. We were often so many children that we had to eat at several tables. There was often grandma’s perfect barley soup. The taste of this good barley soup immortalized itself in my brain.

3. Kindergarden time

I felt like a normalboy at first. Only in tall with long, thin legs. My long, skinny stature looked funny. And because I was so tall, the other kids thought it was an unfair advantage. Some gt jealous and started teasing me. How could being teased be an advantage? In kindergarden, I learned how to feel afterwards. So there were ncie moments in kindergarden. But the biggest memories were rather sad. Because of my long, thin stature, I was called a beanpole. That hurt a lot and made me suspicious. Once at carnival I was dressed up as a woman. It was no problem, so I wanted to be a part of the group. And be happy, not sad all the time. I often wished my size had been an advantage. It was just the opposite. I was the tallest, but was »punished« with almost daily teasing. Once when we were sitting in a circle, everyone was supposed to divide their first name into syllables with a bell. When it was my turn, I sang »Ja – han.« That was wrong, of course, the correct name would have been Jan. I was ashamed that I couldn’t manage this task.

The teasing often came secretly and unpredictably. From the second year on, a great fear developed. Fear of teasing that I mighted have to endure again in kindergarden. I did not know if and when it would happen again. But I lived through the deep-seated fear every day. I developed the strategy for myself to be as much as possible for myself. In no case to be in the focus and to stand out. This was difficult to keep up as a big kid in kindergarden. It was exactly this task that got me down inside. So I showed as little emotion as possible. I wanted to show that I didn’t mind. I didn't want to show that it hurt me. And if it did happen, it hit me hard. But still I pretended that I didn’t care. I carried the sad moments in my head and heart home with me and pushed them aside very, very often, with very, very much music. Music helped me the best.

4. Memories from childhood

We lived in a relativly small high-rise building. For a town like Brokolt, this high-rise building with its three or four floors was not particulary striking. We lived in the second floor. Each floor had three apartments, We lived in the middle. Down in the front of the door, the street made the next left turn after about 25 meters. Exactly in the middle of the bend there was a path to the soccer field. On the way to the soccer field there were also small apartments on the right. In one of the apartments lived at that time also one of two friends with whom I rode BMX.

Therefore I called the two friends my BMX friends. One of the two showed me on our street how to ride on the back tire. Or how to jump down a slope at the soccer field. After that came gravel and only a few meters further lawn. One day when I was practicing jumping down, the front wheel slid to the side when I touched down and before I flew down, one of the hand grips hit me in the stomach. This was not good at all. Staggering slightly, I pushed myself and my bike home.

With our BMX bikes, we very often boarded through the forest. There was a good path to ride through with the BMX. I also dared to go into industrial area alone after a few times. At the weekend there was an opportunity to drive really fast on the wide streets without being disturbed. One curve had done it to me. I thought that I knew this one curve so well that I could drive through it and look behind. No sooner said than done. I took a good-run-up and then simply looked behind me before the bend. I was much too fast, briefly noticed the elevationof the parking lot and »BAM«. I flew against the drawbar of a trailer. The BMX flew under the drawbar through and I a bit of a stomachache.

When I was at Grandma’s in townm I always had a red folding bike there to ride. I liked to ride my bike. And so I used to ride the bikde diligently around the block. Later, I exlored the neighborhood a little more. I also liked to watch television. I loved to watch »A Colt for All Seasons«, »Master of the Universe« or »Knight Rider«. The car was so modern, with all these futuristic buttons. I drew the buttons on the cardboard and then glued them to the steering wheel of the BMX bike. There I was in my role. I was cool. I even dreamed once that »K.I.T.T.« would come and pick me up. Completly crazy. With my brother I often played »He-Man« and »Skeletor«. The were toy figures from the brand »Mattel«. We had a few figures of them ans the two castles. One for »He-Man« and one for »Skeletor«. Of course, I always wanted to be the blond, strong He-Man.

We shared the room. I was mighty proud of my music system. Only the music was often the same. So i was really infatuated with »Modern Talking« or »Falco«. Later music of »Michael Jackson« followed. Very often I listened to the records of »Otto Waalkes« (a german comedy star and actor) or of »Mike Krüger« (german actor and musician). The songs to a perfomance of »Otto Waalkes« could later be bought on record. the neighbor boy from upstairs sometimes showed me newer music, so that I at least halfway knew what was trendy.

I also remembered very strongly a vacation trip with the family to Oberhausen. I had a relative there, but I had only seen her once before. At the time I was still listening to »Modern Talking«, because I really liked the music. When we were there, she showed me her music collection. And it came as it had to come. She showed me records of »Die Toten Hosen« (german punk rock band« and »Die Ärzte« (called »the doctors«, also a german punk rock band). I was shocked at my backlog in music and woke up. From then on, I thought to myself »I'm always looking at new music instead of focusing on a specific style of music.« I adopted this way of thinking later in life for the other senses as well.

5. Criminal energy in the kiosk

In the kiosk, which I always visited, I soon discovered a peculiarity. There were three indentations in the store on the left side in the back. In the last one were boxes of candy. One took out what one wanted to buy. At that time there were no mirrors or cameras there either. If you stood in the last bay, you were not seen from the front. So I took a few pennies with me a few times and went into the kiosk. Pennies were in the old currency, like cents today. There I went to the candy shelf in the back and pretend to be indecisive. But in reality, I used the time to put some candy in my pocket.

But only so many that it wasn’t noticeable. The I took the ones I really wanted to buy and went to the checkout with them. At first, there were only a few. After a few test purchases, I used as many pockets of my clothes as possible. later, the thrill grew. The more I took out, the biggest the thrill became. When I couldn’t get my opckets full enough, I asked my brother Lothar to come along. On the way to the kiosk, I explained my tactics to him. We entered the kiosk and went to the back. Everyone pocketed various things. Among other things, »surprise eggs« (german chocolate eggs with a toy).

I took some more candy to the front for the cash register and paid. Back outside, we walked a few meters and sat down on a wall by the road. Excitedly, we unpacked our common booty. All of sudden, there were lots and lots of sweets. It happened at that very moment. For me it happend in slow motion. Mom approached from the left with the car. I froze in shock. There was also no time left to hide loot or part sof it. Lothar looked at me questioningly, but we were sitting there like birds on a perch. Between the two of us lay all the stuff. As we passed, she first looked at the candy. Then her scutinizing gaze turned to my eyes. I will never forget that look. What a bummer, I thought. What a akward moment.

If only I had chosen a smarter place. Arrived at home, I quickly went to my room and suspected nothing good. Lothar stayed in front. He couldn’t help it, I had put him up to it. My mom was furious and scolded loudly. »Wait until Dad comes home!«. And he did come home. I first heard Mama tell him what happened. Then I heard his heavy, pounding footsteps getting louder and louder. Like an earthquake toward the nursery. The door flew open, he looked at me for a moment and slapped me hard. »Grounded for a month! No musc and no computer!« He left and pulled the door shut. Later, Mom came back to me and asked why I was doing this. We would get pocket money, after all. But what should I say? At the time, I didn't really know why I loved stealing so much. So I remained silent. After all, I had already caused enough worry with my bad grades. At that age, I could not yet know that the thrill could also become an addiction. So I distracted myself for the month with various toys like the toy cars. But during that time, I also rethought m tactics. From now on, it always had to be done in such a way that the prey could not be seen in any case.

6. Playing with fire

There was a day when I was looking for some excitement. Mom and Dad sat clueless in the living room. I wanted to try an experiment. All the stuffed animals were made of different materials. So I asked myself »Which material would burn the fastest?« A really crazy question. But such things used to go through my mind. So I went into the living room under false pretext and secretly stole a lighter. Back in the children’s room, I pulled the door shut. When we played in the room, the door was actually always closed. For our parents, this was an absoloutly harmonious state of affairs. I took advantage of that this time and let Lothar in on it. He asked me extra »Isn’t that dangerous?« I suggested the following »You hold the stuffed animal. I light it briefly and then blow it out again immediately.« With that, I was able to calm him down and he agreed.

We put all the stuffed animals on our brown toy cabinet. Before we begin, I open the window so the smoke could flow straight out. Now Lothar always took a stuffed animal and held it out to me. I always lit it in a rather inconspicuous place, observed briefly whether and how quickly the flame spread. Then I blew it out again. Soon we were done. After that, all the stuffed animals had a round spot where something was missing. Fortunately, our parents did not notice. Since it was the weekend, they took me to Grandma’s in the city in the afternoon. Where I was allowed to sleep again. The next morning, Grandma’s ohone rang. It was Dad's turn and excitedly told Grandma that there had been a fire at home. Dad was coming to pick me up right away.

I put on my cap (like Colt Seavas in »A Colt for all seasons«) and found myself in the role of a stuntman. I thought, now I would get the chance to save my own brother from the flames. What crazy thoughts. My dad picked me up and we drove home. On the drive, Dad told me that Lothar must have been playing with fire. Lothar lit something and was startled to see that the flames spread very quickly. So he ran out, closed the door and hid under our parents' bed. Dad woke up to the sound of brunfing things collapsing. He also noticed the smell of smoke. Instinctively, but of course in panic, he jumped up and opened the door of the room, where flames were already flying towards him. Fortunately, we had a water connection in the hallway on the second floor and a garden hose.

Dad put out the fire all by himself. He told me on the way to the apartment, »No matter what the questions, you have nothing to do with it. You know nothing.« When we arrived, the fire brigade was already there, checking what had happened. There were still hot spots that could have reignited the fire. Then I saw Lothar and his empty look. The look that said something like »How can I ever trust you again?« I saw our room, or rather what was left of it. Everything was black and charred. Everything was sooty and no longer usable. Even my keyboard was lying there. Charred and completly bent. Then I understood that it is not good to show younger children how to play with fire.