Be Your Own Dating Coach E-Book

Jo Hemmings

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2011

Seitenzahl: 466

Beschreibung

A relationship coach in a book Ever wondered why you make the same dating mistakes time after time? What seemed so promising at first simply dwindled into yet another disappointment. Or do you rarely get beyond the first or second date? Do you yearn for a long-term relationship but find yourself drifting from relationship to relationship? Or do you feel trapped when you really just want to have fun? Taking a step back from your busy life while taking a good yet honest and dispassionate look at yourself is never easy. Be Your Own Dating Coach is an upbeat, positive and humorous look at understanding yourself better, increasing your self-esteem, having more fun and getting the relationships you want and deserve. In short, it will show you how to coach yourself to a better love life. Written in two halves, one for men and one for women.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

Acknowledgements

Introduction

girls

CHAPTER 1 - Dating Versus Relationships

MEETING GUYS

THE MEET MARKET

GREAT PLACES TO DATE

FIRST DATE FOLLOW UP

FUN, FRIENDSHIP OR COMMITMENT?

FIRST DATE DO’S AND DON’TS

SCREWING THE CREW – WORKPLACE RELATIONSHIPS

HOLIDAY ROMANCE – IT’S A FLING THING

CHAPTER 2 - Breathing Space

SINGLE AGAIN

SEX SINGLE STYLE

DATING ON THE REBOUND

CELEBRATING SINGLEDOM

CHAPTER 3 - Recognizing What You Really Want

THE ‘PERFECT’ MAN

WHAT DO MEN REALLY WANT?

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

WHAT’S IMPORTANT TO YOU?

STAYING FOCUSED

CHAPTER 4 - Self-Esteem And Self-Confidence

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?

NATURAL SELF-CONFIDENCE

OVERCOMING SHYNESS

POSITIVE THINKING

SEXUAL SELF-CONFIDENCE

CHAPTER 5 - Your Dating Makeover

FIRST IMPRESSIONS COUNT

MANNERS AND HABITS

VOICE

BODY IMAGE

SENSE OF HUMOUR

MAKING CHANGES

CHAPTER 6 - Communication

MAKING THE FIRST APPROACH

RESPONDING TO AN APPROACH

PLAYING THE WAITING GAME

CHAT-UP LINES

E-MAIL

TEXT APPEAL

ENDING A DATE

ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP

DUMPED!

MAKING CHANGES

CHAPTER 7 - Chemistry, Compatibility And Sex

WHAT CAUSES THE CHEMICAL REACTION?

SEX APPEAL

WHEN IS THE TIME RIGHT?

FAB SEX THE FIRST TIME

SEXUAL PERFORMANCE

ONE-NIGHT STANDS

COMMON SEXUAL WORRIES

CASUAL SEX

HEALTHY SEX

LOVE OR LUST?

AGE GAPS

MAD, BAD AND DANGEROUS TO KNOW

THE EX-FACTOR

HOW COMPATIBLE ARE YOU?

CHAPTER 8 - Dating Language To Suit You

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

BODY LANGUAGE

FLIRTING

USING YOUR VOICE

TEASING

MAKING CHANGES

CHAPTER 9 - Other Ways To Find Your Date

BLIND DATING

INTERNET DATING

SPEED DATING

SINGLES EVENTS

LOCK AND KEY PARTIES

DATING IN THE DARK

PERSONAL ADS

EXPERT HELP

WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD?

Guys

CHAPTER 10 - Dating Versus Relationships

MEETING GIRLS

GREAT PLACES TO DATE

FIRST DATE FOLLOW UP

FUN, FRIENDSHIP OR COMMITMENT

FIRST DATE DO’S AND DON’TS

CHAPTER 11 - Breathing Space

SINGLE AGAIN

SEX SINGLE STYLE

DATING ON THE REBOUND

CELEBRATING SINGLEDOM

CHAPTER 12 - Recognizing What You Really Want

THE ‘PERFECT’ WOMAN

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

WHAT’S IMPORTANT TO YOU?

STAYING FOCUSED

CHAPTER 13 - Self-Esteem And Self-Confidence

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?

NATURAL SELF-CONFIDENCE

OVERCOMING SHYNESS

POSITIVE THINKING

SEXUAL SELF-CONFIDENCE

CHAPTER 14 - Your Dating Makeover

FIRST IMPRESSIONS COUNT

LOOKS

STYLE

HABITS

MANNERS

VOICE

BODY IMAGE

SENSE OF HUMOUR

MAKING CHANGES

CHAPTER 15 - Communication

MAKING THE FIRST APPROACH

RESPONDING TO AN APPROACH

EFFECTIVE LISTENING

PLAYING THE WAITING GAME

CHAT-UP LINES

E-MAIL

ENDING A DATE

ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP

DUMPED!

MAKING CHANGES

CHAPTER 16 - Chemistry, Compatibility and Sex

WHAT CAUSES THE CHEMICAL REACTION?

SEX APPEAL

WHEN IS THE TIME RIGHT?

SEXUAL PERFORMANCE

ONE-NIGHT STANDS

COMMON SEXUAL WORRIES

CASUAL SEX

HEALTHY SEX

LOVE OR LUST?

AGE GAPS

BAD GIRLS

THE EX-FACTOR

HOW COMPATIBLE ARE YOU?

CHAPTER 17 - Dating Language To Suit You

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

BODY LANGUAGE

FLIRTING

USING YOUR VOICE

TEASING

MAKING CHANGES

CHAPTER 18 - Other Ways To Find Your Date

BLIND DATES

INTERNET DATING

SPEED DATING

SINGLES EVENTS

LOCK AND KEY PARTIES

DATING IN THE DARK

PERSONAL ADS

EXPERT HELP

WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD?

Further Reading

Index

Published in 2005 by Capstone Publishing Limited (a Wiley Company), The Atrium, Southern Gate Chichester, West Sussex, PO19 8SQ, England. Phone [phone]

Copyright © 2005 Jo Hemmings

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Acknowledgements

Sadly, I can’t thank every single person who has helped shape this book – to do that would take a lifetime of looking back on all the guys that I have dated, bad and good, and the wonderful friends that have been there for me in many years of dating joy and despair, as well as those who have helped with my research in a more practical sense.

So for those I have left out of this brief list, please forgive me; you are part of the bigger picture, I promise you. My heartfelt thanks and appreciation go particularly to the following extra special ‘I-couldn’t-live-without’ people while I have been writing this book: Sarah and Rachel, Kirsty, Sandra, Robert, Johnny B, Clare, Jo’s G and S-T, Monica, Jude, Carol, Tina, Muriel, Ali, Mecca, Nicola, Dr Lurve, Charlotte, Pat, Rosemary and Matt and Ollie. My thanks also go to Sally at Wiley’s for being so supportive and constructive in encouraging me to write the book.

My acknowledgements wouldn’t be complete without thanking a very special DJ in my life. With unconditional support, kindness, respect and unfailing good humour, he showed me that breaking a few of my own rules wasn’t the worst thing in the world, and that in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles sometimes even ‘right person, wrong time’ is the way it has to be.

Introduction

Dating is easy, right? You meet someone, you swap numbers, you arrange to meet and you take it from there. So why do so many people find it so tough? Why does it seem harder than ever to meet a great partner and turn dating into a relationship?

Given that there are more ways than ever of meeting potential partners, it is ironic that it seems so difficult to do something as seemingly simple as meeting an attractive member of the opposite sex and going on a date or two. However, we live in a changing world of singles. No longer content to stay in our home town to date, court and marry a local boy or girl and settle down to have 2.4 children, we all have higher expectations than ever of a compatible partner. We want to date a number of people before we settle down. Some of us don’t want to settle down at all, at least not in the conventional sense, and certainly not until we’ve lived life a little. Some of us want children – others don’t. Some of us have had children and are single again, and our dating agenda has changed. In a world where our hopes, wishes and demands are constantly changing, our lifestyles and financial independence no longer depend on a partner to support us or do household chores, and where most of us have a liberating and healthy attitude to sex before marriage, the dating rules of engagement have moved on.

It is difficult to know when a casual dating scenario is turning into a relationship. Just wanting – or wanting to avoid – commitment is not enough to recognize the stage when we are ‘getting involved’. Some of us believe that we are in a relationship after date one, for others it is after the first time that we make love and for others it is when we fall in love or even move in together.

Maybe you don’t know what you want out of your dating life. Long-term commitment or a little short-term fun? Maybe you go from one relationship seamlessly into another without giving yourself breathing space in between. Or maybe you can’t even remember when you last had a date. What really matters to you in a partner? Looks, build, shared sense of humour, generosity, success? And what do you have to offer any potential relationship? Are you aware of your strengths and weaknesses on that score? Do you learn from your previous relationships and move on when dating again? Or do you seem to make the same cock-ups time after time? Do you find yourself saying ‘yes’ to almost anyone who asks you out, to spare his or her feelings of rejection? Or perhaps because you can’t imagine finding anyone better? Or maybe you say ‘no thanks’ out of shyness, lack of self-esteem or the fear of what the future holds?

My point in this book is to maximize your dating potential and not to fret too much about making a ‘relationship’. I believe in dating for dating’s sake. I also believe that the more people that you date, the better you’ll get at it and your experience, whether bad or good, will help you learn to recognize when a situation becomes special and you want to make a further commitment.

Dating should be about having fun and enjoying the moment – not about pressure to see where a relationship is ‘going’. Most of us need to spend more time enjoying the present and less time worrying about the future. A relationship will evolve in time, for almost all of us, but there will be a lot of dating situations along the way that simply don’t evolve into anything meaningful. Once you accept this fact, you can begin to indulge yourself in dating situations, which might not seem like an initial long-term promise. Dating is like shopping – love it or hate it – giving yourself time to shop around, comparing one product with another will ultimately get you a better deal in life than heading for the local shop and buying the first item that you see.

However, over the last few decades we have become a cash-rich, time-poor society. Our local communities are not as strong as they once were and we have been brought up in a self-help-driven society that tells us that we can and should get what we deserve. We know how to make choices for ourselves and we grow up earlier than ever before. This independence is a great asset, but it has given us a whole generation of singles and divorced people. What marks us out from previous generations is that we don’t need a partner for financial or practical support, or because we fear being ‘on the shelf’, but because we want someone special – for the emotional and sexual intimacy that only a close relationship can bring.

Dating is not an exact science. Meeting people is not a prescriptive business. But preparing yourself to date, and maximizing your opportunities by learning a little about improving your chances in the dating arena is something that you can learn. Being proactive but also being chilled is possibly the best way that I can summarize the way to go. Tough call? Read on, be entertained, and maybe even learn a little along the way. Whatever your age, your sex, or your dating or relationship history, you will hopefully find something in this book that will help you along your journey. There will be peaks and troughs, great dates and truly bad dates, times when you long to date but can’t find the right person, or you find that seemingly special person but it is the wrong time or the wrong place. People who are fun but don’t have the chemistry to drive you on. Dates that inspire you and dates that drive you to despair.

Dating ain’t easy and almost every one of us will have a rough ride from time to time. Truth is that most us will end up in a long-term relationship. It just may not happen when you want it to. As the old song says ‘You can’t hurry love’. What you can do is improve your chances, cast your net more widely and enjoy the rollercoaster ride along the way. Good luck!

girls

CHAPTER 1

Dating Versus Relationships

Firstly, let’s establish what we mean by the terms ‘dating’ and ‘relationships’. When does a date become a relationship? On the third or fourth date? When you’ve slept together? When you’ve both agreed to move on to the next stage?

While all of these factors come into play, like anything else in the dating world, it’s not an exact science. It tends be a mutual thing, an agreed acceptance by you and your guy that your relationship is special, probably exclusive and going somewhere. It can still be exciting of course, but there are certain assumptions that are made – like Mondays are movie nights or Friday evenings are spent independently of each other. By this stage you are probably not wondering if he’ll ever call again, you know that he prefers CKs to boxers and whether he takes sugar in his coffee. If you have never met any of his mates, don’t know which football team he supports or whether he’s still playing the field, then you’re probably still in the dating phase.

You need to remember that while finding a guy to date is a challenge, it is not a competition. Enjoy the pursuit, the goal setting and the excitement – but don’t let yourself believe that in you’re in a race to some sort of finishing post with your other girlfriends.

It is often true that when you’re in a relationship, you seem to be more popular and attractive than when you’re single. This is because being part of a couple seems to show that you are appealing and successful. And ironically you often become more desirable to other men. This is in part due to the fact that a woman who is spoken for is often the ultimate challenge to another guy – their competitive genes often outweigh their common sense – and in part due to the safety element of being able to relax, chat and even flirt with someone who, because they are dating one of their mates, is unlikely to put any demands on them. This extra appeal though, is also down to the natural self-confidence that people exude when they are happy and in a relationship that makes them feel good. And this, even in the single state, is what we are going to achieve with you by reading and taking on board some of the advice in this book.

Dating is great – it’s fun, it has its own special momentum and it doesn’t have to lead to a more serious relationship. It might of course, but part of the fun is just enjoying your time together, the discoveries that you make about each other and the sheer, simple pleasure of not having to wonder whether he is ‘the one’ or where it might be leading. Always remember that a date is just for a few hours, not for the rest of your life. What have you got to lose?

MEETING GUYS

Just how many times have you heard girlfriends say those immortal words – or God forbid, perhaps uttered them yourself – ‘I just never seem to meet any guys’. Now we’re not talking good guys versus bad guys, dishy guys versus those hit by the ugly stick; we’re just talking about how difficult it seems to meet men, any men. And how many of those women make any effort to get out there and actually meet potential dates? Sure they have a great job, busy social life and hit the local bars on a Wednesday night. But in-between times they are sharing a Friday night take-out with a girlfriend, having Saturday evening supper with old workmates or that couple they met at college, or sifting through their underwear drawer. Well, he’s as unlikely to be hiding amongst your smalls, however sexy, as he is to be delivering your Thai carryout, though that possibility is there of course … He’s probably not going to be in the bar that particular Wednesday night either. Though he might be on a Friday or a Saturday.

It’s a truth universally known, as Jane Austen might have said should she have found herself suddenly single in the twenty-first century, that Fridays and Saturdays are the best nights for pulling. And bars, easy as they may seem, are sometimes the toughest places in which to actually meet guys. Sure, you might get lucky and exchange a coy smile or two, but they might be with their mates and not want to break up the party, be too shy to make a further move or simply too fuelled up by alcohol to engage brain and body in harmony to make a serious move.

THE MEET MARKET

So let’s take a look at where you might actually meet a guy – some are obvious of course, but others may take you quite by surprise. And a few tips on how to maximize the opportunities once you’re there. Do try to take up as many invitations as possible, as even the most unlikely sounding events can turn out to be quite promising meeting places.

Bars and pubs

So obvious, yet in practice pretty difficult places in which to meet someone. Lots of groups of people for sure; but they are so often a mixture of men and women in separate groups, so how do you know who is dating who? Making eye contact with someone’s boyfriend in a crowded bar can be a pretty foolish thing to do. Then again, big groups of guys are a bit of a turn-off. Fuelled by booze and testosterone, are they really out to meet someone special, or just showing off/celebrating the national team’s win/on the pull? And the nearer to closing time it gets, a mixture of booze-fuelled goggles and desperation doesn’t make for the most discerning choice.

And the guy on his own? Stood up by his girlfriend perhaps, or merely drowning his sorrows? He might be OK, but he might just be a five star loser. What to do?

• When you’ve spotted someone that looks interesting, take the long or the awkward way round to the bar or the loo in order to get a closer look. If he still looks cute, see if you can catch his eye on your return journey.

• If you notice someone looking at you, smile gently and hold his eyes long enough to see if he returns the smile or nods in return. Don’t look away straight after smiling – easy to do if you’re a bit shy – otherwise you won’t know what sort of response you’ve had and it will have been a waste of time!

• Try a casual line like, ‘Have you any idea what time this place closes?’ or, ‘I don’t suppose you know a local cab number?’ Nothing too cheesy or offensive. A reference to the fact that his flies might be undone, even if they are flying at half-mast, will not please the object of your attention!

• If you’re feeling really brave and the coast looks pretty clear, one of the best methods is simply to offer to buy a guy a drink. While some men still find this approach too full on for their tastes, a lot of guys are impressed with an assertive woman.

• Another possibility, though generally better towards the end of an evening, when a little Dutch courage might be in order, is to get one of your friends to get chatting to a guy that you like and check out, as subtly as possible, whether he might also be interested in you. ‘My friend fancies you’ is a technique often used at singles events and is a great icebreaker.

• Take the direct approach. It’s often difficult to have a meaningful conversation in a vast, noisy, crowded bar, so going up to someone who looks cute, and either asking for his number or offering him yours with a view to having a chat sometime soon when it isn’t so chaotic can work wonders. He may well feel flattered, and appreciate your candour in not wanting to interrupt either of your evenings with your mates, or make him try and talk in an atmosphere not really conducive to a meeting of minds. It’s bold, it’s brave, but it’s definitely worth a try …

Parties

A great party can be the perfect meeting place. Your hosts might already be in celebratory mode – Christmas, birthday, house warming or whatever the occasion might be. There are likely to be at least a few fellow partygoers that you already know and there are bound to be a few single men too. You can seriously pamper yourself before you go, dress up big time and look your very best. There’s often a connection between the guy who looks like he might be cool to talk to and the host or hostess, and if you know them well enough you can always discreetly check out who he is, what he does for a living and whether he’s available for further investigation. Trouble is, unless you move deftly and directly, attractive unattached men can get monopolized by other single girls very quickly.

Suddenly the party’s drawing to a close and the nearest you got to chatting to anyone remotely single was your best friend’s younger brother who, after a couple of beers, confessed to having a childhood crush on you. So what to do …?

• Try not to get to a party too early – you’ll be worse for wear by the time most of the other guests arrive and there’s an air of desperation at turning up at 8 o’clock on the dot. Then again, don’t wait until the increasingly fashionable bar chucking out time to arrive – it might be too late to snap up the best deals! 9 to 9.30 p.m. is usually about right.

• Work the room, chatting to those guests that you do know, keeping one eye open for attractive guys along the way. Try not to get stuck with the loser from accounts or the old friend that wants to catch up with the last few months in point by point detail. Excusing yourself to the loo is still the best way of extricating yourself from that sort of situation and wasting potential man-hunting time.

• Chat to a variety of people, men and women, as networking can lead to all sorts of further opportunities.

• If you see someone that you like, check out his ring finger. Not a guaranteed method of eliminating the attached men of course, but it certainly helps.

• The simplest method of approaching a guy who looks interesting is simply to ask him his connection to the party. ‘So how do you know James/Sarah?’ Anything starting with ‘My wife/girlfriend’ or even ‘We …’ is probably a dead end.

• Once you’re chatting to someone who has taken your fancy, try to relax and enjoy. Ask questions, be a good listener and check out whether there’s any eye contact. And if he excuses himself to go to the loo and doesn’t return within a few minutes, or goes off to get another drink without offering you a refill, take his departure in good grace. Perhaps this time the attraction wasn’t mutual; maybe next time you’ll have more success.

Clubs

Clubs can be a happy hunting ground for cute guys. They often look smart, you can check out their dancing and it’s a convivial place to meet. However, clubs tend to be loud and dark of course, so don’t expect to be enjoying a conversation on any meaningful level.

• Remember the dress code – unless you’re looking for a quick shag, or at a certain sort of themed club, either wear a short skirt, or a low-cut top. Not both together – sadly the combo shouts ‘cheap’ louder than a market-stall holder on a Sunday morning …

• Unlike the local or the bar near work, guys rarely go to clubs just to socialize with their mates. Like you, they are probably on the lookout to meet someone, so subtlety ain’t the name of the game here.

• Like the bar, if you see someone that you like, move over into their general direction and see if you can establish a little eye contact.

• If you get chatting and he asks you to dance, or just starts moving in the general direction of the dance floor, go with the flow if you are still keen.

• As a petite woman, I know how difficult it can be to sustain any kind of conversation with a tall guy, in a noisy place. Shouting ‘Sorry, what did you say?’ is not a sexy look, so use your small frame to your advantage and suggest that you sit down to talk further.

• If you do meet someone you like and he asks for your number, my advice is to take his number and give him a call when, in the cold light of day, you’ve decided whether you did fancy him after all. Otherwise, give him your mobile number rather than your home number and never give him your address or invite him back to your place on the first meeting. And definitely don’t go back to his. Chances are he’s a decent bloke, but clubs are full of dodgy, seemingly OK types and your safety is paramount, however charming he seems.

The office

Meeting people at your workplace is temptingly easy, although not always appropriate. While you will find more detail on the pros and cons of the subject below (‘Screwing the crew’, on p. 31), if you do think that it is worth considering, the following tips might help.

• If you like a guy at work, but are unsure as to whether he might already have a girlfriend, ask him what he got up to at the weekend. Anything starting with a ‘We …’ is clearly not a good sign.

• The more direct, yet casual, your approach the better. A line like, ‘I’ve had such a crazy day, do you fancy a quick drink after work?’ is better than, ‘Do you fancy going out one evening?’ The former suggests mateyness, the latter a date. If the attraction isn’t mutual, it can be awkward if he thinks you’re actually asking him out.

• Try finding a time to chat when his work colleagues aren’t around – there’s little worse than being ribbed by his office workmates about someone who fancies him. And if he’s junior to you, try to make sure that he doesn’t feel obliged to take you up on your offer.

• If you make it to a date and things do progress, remember that you might have to see this guy on a daily basis. Can you cope with his possible rejection in due course, or indeed his reaction to yours? It can make life very awkward, especially if you work in the same office or in a small workplace.

Friends of friends …

Dependable friends have partners who have single friends or work colleagues, and they are bound to know a little of your dating history as well as your likes and dislikes, so they can often be a great source of meeting single men who may be attractive to you.

• Make sure that the friend is reliable and has your best interests at heart. There can be a lot of sport in setting up a date with someone just ‘to see how they get on’ even if they don’t really think it’s likely to be a match made in heaven.

• Well-meaning friends will often choose someone who is just like your last love – both in looks and personality. Trouble is, he broke your heart and meeting a carbon copy of your last boyfriend is probably the last thing that you need. Check out some details first.

• If you do get set up on a blind date, try and make it at a lunchtime or for a drink after work, making it clear that you have to get back to work/go home to feed the cat/go to an evening class. That way if it doesn’t go according to plan, your escape route is mapped out. And if it does turn out to be fabulous, then the cat can wait …

• Dinner parties can be great, especially if there is a mix of single people, so that it doesn’t look too obvious to the smug couples that your meeting has been pre-arranged. If you are getting on well with a guy in this situation, then try and find a quiet moment to slip him your mobile number or e-mail address, in order to outwit those prying eyes.

Internet dating

In recent years, the Internet has revolutionized dating. With websites springing up that cater for all tastes, it still has to be said that some of the bigger, more established dating sites remain the best option. Partly because the more sophisticated sites offer a wealth of additional options, such as chatting on line, or face-to-face singles events, but also because the choice of available men is so much wider. There is much more about Internet dating in Chapter 9, so here is just a brief overview.

• Go for a site that asks for as much information as possible about you and your potential partner. It’s no good finding someone who you think looks gorgeous only to find that they live on the other side of the world, or have political views that would make Attila the Hun look like a leftie!

• Be as honest as you can with your details. Knock a couple of years off your age if you must, but post an up-to-date photo and be truthful about your personal and professional details. That way you can expect the same honesty back from your potential dates. There are an awful lot of bullshitters out there and needless to say, they are best eliminated at an early stage.

• Take this kind of dating slowly. Start by exchanging e-mails, and if all seems to be going OK, progress to a couple of chats on the phone with a longer-term view of making a date. Always meet in a public place, and let a friend or your flatmate know where you are going to be and what time you expect to get home.

• Try and keep it clean – by all means get into gentle flirt mode; this is not a job interview but if you start getting too hot too quickly, it’s pretty difficult to backtrack. And however perfect they may seem in cyberspace, the face-to-face chemistry might still be lacking.

Speed dating

Speed dating is now something of a phenomenon. Originally started in the USA, it is basically an arrangement of equal numbers of men and women, in roughly the same age range, with three minutes to chat and get to know each other. It may not be the most romantic way of meeting your man, but for the direct approach and efficiency it’s hard to beat. There’s more on this – and many of the other organized meeting places – in Chapter 9; but as a summary here are three essential tips to make speed dating work for you.

• Smile, say, ‘Hi’ and make a little eye contact even if you know that this ain’t the guy for you. It’s only for three minutes after all.

• You don’t need to interrogate the guy, but ask a few simple questions with a twist. He’ll probably have heard, ‘What do you do for a living?’ at least three times already, so ask him if he’s had a good day at work instead.

• Speed dating works on instant chemistry – check out the ingredients; does he have the blend of voice, humour and looks that might appeal?

The chance meeting

The possibilities here are almost limitless and all the sweeter for being so unexpected. These are just some of my favourites, but frankly if you’ve actually shut your own front door in order to leave your house, anything could happen! And if you actually enjoy any of these activities, rather than simply using them as man-meeting opportunities, then so much the better.

• The train. If you’re a regular commuter, then the chances are high that you’re going to see the same people going in and out of work or on the platform. If you see a cute guy on a regular basis, simply smile or say ‘Hi’. You have nothing to lose by being friendly.

• The airport. Meeting people at an airport couldn’t be easier. Maybe you’re both in holiday mode, which always makes it easier to chat. Or you are in the departure lounge or gate waiting for an announcement for a delayed flight. Sure, it can be frustrating, but it gives you something in common to talk about. Or you could be in the bar, the restaurant or shopping for duty free.

• On holiday. Footloose and fancy-free. The days are warm; the nights could get even hotter.

• At a concert. Packed together in the bar or the auditorium, it’s clear that you already have a similar music taste in common.

• In a supermarket. Guys have to shop too. Check out the contents of their trolley. Microwave meals for one and catering packs of beer are clearly more promising than packs of nappies and a dozen red roses!

• At a book/record store. Men love to be asked questions. Could they recommend the best book/album by a particular author/artist ?

• At a wedding. The romance factor is already high and the groom is bound to have plenty of single mates.

• At the launderette. While a lot of guys own state-of-the-art music and computer equipment, buying a washing machine tends to be pretty low on their list of priorities.

• The local sandwich bar. Men are creatures of habit. While tending to go for the same sandwich filling each day, they tend to go out for that sandwich at pretty much the same time of day too.

• At a football match. Men galore and some of them are even quite fit. Best to avoid any chatting-up tactics during the game though. Wait until half time …

• At the gym. Mmmm, and all those fit bodies too. Hang out by the water cooler, the pool or the juice bar. Like watching football, most men prefer to do their workout uninterrupted.

• Horse racing. A great day out in itself and there’s lots of guys on corporate days out or tearing up losing betting slips while drowning their sorrows in the bar.

• At the local tennis club. So much potential for a mixed doubles match, plus you’ll get fit into the bargain.

• Dog walking. Again, men tend to take their dogs for a walk at much the same time every day, as well as along much the same route. Borrow a neighbour’s dog if you don’t own one of your own.

• At an evening class. OK, so the car maintenance class is a bit of a cliché, but how about learning a foreign language, taking a wine tasting course or brushing up on your computer skills?

• At the local DIY store. Chock full of men, most of whom are only too keen to share their intimate knowledge of the finer details of paint primer and grouting techniques.

• Art galleries. Where better to get into conversation as you both ponder a piece of modern art that neither of you have a clue about?

• At an auction house. Some of the more upmarket ones definitely have a few eligible men lurking amongst the furniture and objets d’art.

• On the golf course. Yes, I know that you’d rather watch paint dry, but it holds a special place in the hearts of many men. And the nineteenth hole is always somewhere good to unwind afterwards.

GREAT PLACES TO DATE

The whole point about any date – whether it’s your first time or some way down the line, is that it ought to be fun. It’s an exploration and a getting-to-know-each-other process, and even if after the first date or two, either one or both of you feel that it isn’t worth pursuing any further, wouldn’t it be nice to know that in finding out, that you also had a good time along the way? It’s part of that ‘no hard feelings’ process, and the more casual the date, the easier it is to take that on board.

Meeting for a drink or going out for supper is always a good option, because it gives you time to get to know each other while still surrounded by other people and a good ambience; nice in itself but also useful if the conversation threatens to dry up any time. Inviting someone to your place on a first date is not such a good idea however, as it is much more difficult to take things at a sensible pace when alone – and if you cook him a meal, he might just think that he doesn’t have to make any further effort in trying to please you or find somewhere special to take you on a date.

Men will often invite you to their place on a first date, ostensibly to prove their cooking skills to you – although in my experience that is usually limited to tuna pasta bake (no, I don’t know why, either … ) or something pretty straightforward based on mince and tinned tomatoes. Beware the temptation to think that you’ve just fallen upon a seriously good-looking, single man who appears to bear more than a passing resemblance to Gordon Ramsay. Even if that is the case, he will be well aware that it’s a much easier stumble into his adjacent bedroom when you are already in the kitchen, than simultaneously trying to persuade you to come back to his place ‘for a coffee’ while trying to hail a cab at midnight!

So, if a guy asks you where you’d like to go, and supper or a drink sounds just too ordinary, you could suggest a couple of the following options. These are all pretty cheap and cheerful ideas. Even if your date is loaded, it’s pretty cold-blooded to suggest a trip in a hot-air balloon, or taking the Eurostar to Paris for the day. Lovely as these might sound, suggestions like this should really come from him.

• A picnic. Going to the beach, the river or even the local park and eating finger food and sipping chilled white wine in the sun, can be a fun way to get to know someone.

• The movies. Although there isn’t an opportunity to talk during a movie, it’s good to have something to talk about over a coffee or a drink after the film has finished. Let him choose the movie, too. It’s quite revealing in the ‘how hard is he trying to impress you’ stakes. Maybe too hard with a Bridget Jones style girlie movie and definitely not quite hard enough with the latest Jackie Chan offering. A light comedy or a not-too-chilling thriller are both pretty good attempts at trying to please you.

• Ice-skating or roller-blading. It’s always fun and the rink’s a great place to bump into each other – literally! It’s also a good way of checking out whether he rushes to your side when you fall over for the nth time, and indeed whether his macho pride gets bruised if he can’t take the pace. A little vulnerability and an ability to laugh at yourselves, from both of you, are endearing qualities.

• A theme park. If you’ve got the stomach for it, the rollercoasters, dodgems and the ghost train are great icebreakers when getting to know each other.

• Bowling. Competitive and fun. Another good way to check out just how seriously he takes himself. And you get a great preview of his butt!

• Lunch in a country pub. Less formal than dinner and gives you both the opportunity for a potentially romantic walk to work off lunch. And if the weather’s not so good? Stay a little longer by that fantastic open fire.

FIRST DATE FOLLOW UP

Ok, so you had a fabulous time. The conversation and the wine flowed and there was never a dull or awkward moment. He may not have been captivated, but he certainly seemed like he was having a good time. You’d love to see him again. What to do?

Firstly, give it a few days before making or expecting any contact. Tedious though this might seem when your head is full of ‘him’ and it’s hard to concentrate on anything else, there are a few basic rules to follow here or you’ll be in serious danger of blowing it. It should be easy just to call or text a guy and say, thanks for a great time, how about we do it again on Wednesday evening? It should be, but I’m afraid the truth of the matter is, that it just isn’t that straightforward.

Annoying as it is to wait for him to contact you, most men expect the old systems to work the best. It’s their role to call you after the first date or two, and while you could certainly sneak in a text message straight after the date to say thank you, calling, further texting or a barrage of e-mails is not recommended. Men like to make the early moves, especially if they think a date or two might lead to something more meaningful in due course. If they are just looking for a seductress to rip their clothes off and indulge in an orgy of unbridled, commitment-free sex, then they’re more than happy to accept that follow-up call, of course. Guys like to be pampered and made to feel special – ironically, this is not by a flood of calls and texts telling them how gorgeous they are, but by making them feel that they have to do the pursuing and that there weren’t too many men in your life before they came along.

Double standards? Maybe, but if you’re over-keen they feel trapped, threatened and ultimately disempowered in that uniquely male way. Which just goes to show that you can take the man away from the Stone Age hunter-gatherer scenario, but you can’t take the hunter-gatherer out of the man…A few weeks/dates down the line, when the pattern has got a little more established, then it’s much more acceptable to start showing a little dating initiative. Until then, at least let them think that they are in control.

If you really can’t stand playing by these male rules, and I have more than a degree of sympathy for you – don’t shoot the messenger and all that – and you think that you have found a guy who won’t give a hoot who gets in touch with who first or when, then go with what makes you feel comfortable. With one proviso. If you slept with him on the first meeting or the first date, never make the next move. If you were destined to be a one-night stand, and it’s so difficult to tell just what’s on the agenda of a charming man, then contacting him won’t make a jot of difference to anything other than your own self-esteem. And if that rare, liberated creature that reckons sex on a first meet is fair game for both parties, wants to see you again, then he will definitely be in touch.

FUN, FRIENDSHIP OR COMMITMENT?

Never underestimate dating as a way of making great friends. Given that it only takes one really special person to make a lasting relationship, just think of all those other men out there. The guys who were attractive, kind, funny – all the right components for ‘lurve’ – but they just somehow didn’t gel together enough for one or both of you to want to take your dating any further. Perhaps the chemistry wasn’t there, but he made you howl with laughter even though your knees didn’t tremble? These situations, if handled sensitively, can lead to enduring and worthwhile male friendships.

Just for laughs?

Humour is a massive factor in chemistry. He may not be as attractive as your ideal man, but you share the same left-field sense of humour and seem to find exactly the same sort of stuff amusing. This can often work in dating – maybe it’s more slow burn than the guy that looks like he just stepped off a billboard – but a shared sense of humour and ‘having a laugh’ is heady stuff.

Then again, he may just be the sort of guy who is always playing practical jokes, adores slapstick or is just fun to be around on a wet Monday evening when you’ve had a crap day at work. That’s a great asset. If you both feel the same way – just go for it and enjoy!

Best buddies?

Really good friends are hard to come by. We get through huge amounts of acquaintances in our lives, passing traffic at work, college or on holiday. As we get older we lose touch with people that we really care for, simply because distance or busy lives get in the way. Good, lasting friendships – like any relationship – need maintenance.

Just because the all-important chemistry is missing from a relationship, you may well share a number of the other important factors that help build deep friendship. As well as that shared sense of humour; these might include a similar outlook on life, like-minded political views, shared interests or the same background. If you have dated men and it hasn’t worked out, then in time, one or two of these guys could become really good mates. Providing that your ex doesn’t still pine after you, or expect that this new-found friendship could really be an overture to getting back together, then make that approach. Ask him out, share your current life experiences. A close male friend or two is something really special, especially when you both know that it’s the only issue on the agenda.

The real thing?

If all the friendship and humour elements are starting to kick into place and he’s hot and sexy in bed too, you might well be on your way to a lasting relationship. While there’s more on whether it’s love or lust and the mysterious ingredients of chemistry later in this book, it’s worth asking yourself a few questions if you’re starting to get serious about someone early on in the relationship.

• How badly did you want a relationship? Sometimes when we’ve been single for a while, or feel pressure of any sort, we want a relationship so much that we get stars in our eyes when almost any decent, kind bloke comes along.

• Is he drop-dead gorgeous and you just can’t believe your luck? You’re on dangerous ground here. It’s very easy to get swept off your feet by that extraordinarily handsome man that actually wants to spend time with you. It may be your own level of self-confidence (see Chapter 4) that’s letting you down or just simply the sheer exhilaration of it all. Or it may just be perfect. Just take it slowly to find out more …

• Is sex with him just the most amazing thing in the whole world? Congratulations. How good does life get? Just make sure that you don’t spend so much time in bed that you somehow ‘forget’ to get to know each other a little better. Your sexual fascination for each other might wane a little after the first few months; so make sure that you are compatible and satisfied on other levels too.

Why can’t I get beyond the first date?

Firstly, don’t panic. There are some charming rogues out there, who unfortunately apply the same principles to dating as they might to bird watching or train spotting. It ain’t the quality of the dates; it’s the quantity of the dates themselves. They just can’t help moving onto the next ‘challenge’ and it’s the pulling that counts, not the date itself – whether you have been to bed together or not. All very superficial, but there’s a fair few of ’em out there.

Then again, it may simply be that he didn’t feel that it was worth pursuing after the first date. He may have been shallow enough to reject you on the basis that you didn’t ‘give out’. Or he may simply have felt that it didn’t go that well. Sadly, in this imperfect world, some men think that there is no need to say anything about it. They simply don’t call again and ignore any communication from you.

There is a form of dating etiquette, which varies a little between men and women, and being armed with a few first date ‘rules’ won’t go amiss. And if you follow these, you can reassure yourself that you behaved impeccably and any lack of follow through is simply his loss!

FIRST DATE DO’S AND DON’TS

Do

• make eye contact. It’s simple, sexy and very effective in knowing what he might be thinking.

• make him feel at ease. He might feel pretty nervous too, so try to let him see that you are able to relax and enjoy his company.

• smile and laugh. It shows that you are interested in him and amused by what he has to say.

• pay compliments. Don’t go overboard here, but a little flattery goes a long way. Tell him that he’s chosen a terrific venue or that he’s wearing a cool shirt.

• listen. By listening carefully to what he’s saying, he’ll feel good about himself. You’ll be able to respond in a more interesting way too.

• flirt gently. You’re on a date and you (hopefully!) fancy him.

• mention his name at least once. This will help make him feel special.

• hold a little back … Retaining a little mystique will make him want to see you again and know more.

• ask him questions about his life. Don’t get too personal here, but chatting about work, his family and friends and his interests are all pretty safe options.

• exude confidence. A confident, self-assured woman is very sexy.

• be yourself. He wants to get to know you, not someone you might think he’d prefer. However tempted you are to dress up your life, it’s impossible to maintain for long anyway.

• say thank you. Yup, just the way mum taught you!

Do n’t

• be late. Five minutes is fashionably late. Any more and it’s bad manners.

• tell him your life story. It’s rude and vain and no one should open all his or her presents at once!

• talk about your exes. Definitely not a first date topic of conversation. And don’t ask him about his, either.

• grumble or moan. OK, so the bar is too hot, the waiters are churlish, but unless he initiates the discussion, don’t raise the subject.

• keep interrupting his conversation. You may be really keen to make your point, but it’s more polite to hold fire until he’s finished talking.

• look fed-up or over his shoulder. Your concentration should be on him, and even if the date is not as good as you were expecting, just be polite.

• get drunk. He may well try to ply you with booze or your nerves might get the better of you. If you feel yourself on the threshold of getting more than tipsy, switch to mineral water for a while.

• be sarcastic. Sometimes nerves kick in and make us ‘sarky’. It’s not good on a first date and may even appear just plain rude.

• over-flirt. Unless you’re intending to end the night in the bedroom.

• forget his name or use a different name. Ouch!

• tease him. Unless you feel really comfortable in his company, it might cause offence on a first date.

• be too keen. Don’t look desperate, it’s important to keep your cool. If he catches a whiff of babies and settling down, you might not even last through the first date!

SCREWING THE CREW – WORKPLACE RELATIONSHIPS

A recent survey showed that over 60% of workers have had some sort of office romance. Half of those admitted that it affected their working life in some way. And that doesn’t include the third who were already married or in a permanent relationship of some sort! While some of these ‘relationships’ consisted of little more than a brief fling at the office Christmas party or getting jiggy in the lift, many of them were of a more serious nature, potentially affecting their ability to perform properly at work for a variety of reasons, ranging from sleepless nights to having a liaison with a senior or junior member of staff.

However, having an office romance can be very tempting. Not only are you sharing a career or job with this guy, but you’re probably spending as much, if not more, time with him than anybody else, including your partner.

In America, companies will often make you sign a document forbidding you from dating your colleagues, but in practice it is very hard to legislate against. Make sure that you are aware of any company policy before you embark on that hot romance with Stewart from accounts … Also bear in mind some of these pros and cons.

Pros

• You’ve always got loads to talk about with plenty of work issues and colleagues in common.

• It often goes at a nice pace – from work colleague, to friend, to lover.r.

• You can share the journey to and from work.

• You pretty much know where he is and who he is with most of the time.

• There’s always someone to share office gossip with!

Cons

• Seeing someone on such a constant, regular basis, both personal and professional can cause strain in relationship.

• If you’re not discreet, your job might be in jeopardy.

• Having to deal with the aftermath of the relationship, whoever ends it, can be very tough when you have to keep seeing him.

• You may become the targets of office gossip yourselves!

• If you are dating someone on a different level from you, resentment and accusations of favouritism might crop up amongst your other colleagues.

HOLIDAY ROMANCE – IT’S A FLING THING

This is the stuff dreams are made of. That annual fortnight’s break in the sun, surrounded by cute guys strutting their stuff on the beach. You might be lucky enough to meet a guy who lives near you, has the same sort of interests and is keen to pursue the relationship once you’re home. But the chances are that you’ll meet Manuel, Michel or Mehmet, and gorgeous as your time together is, he’s probably already considering what the next planeload of promise might hold, while you’re sobbing into your suitcase as you pack up and prepare to head for home.

OK, so you know all this, but when your libido is raging and the pleasures are just too tempting, try to hold onto the reality of the situation and enjoy it for what it probably is-a two week fling …

Pros

• You’re spoilt for choice – they are all so much cuter than the guys back home.

• Sex on the Beach is a whole lot tastier than that dubious coloured cocktail at the local bar.

• You can be as uninhibited as you like.

• 24/7 holiday romance is so intense and passionate.

• He makes you feel so desirable that your confidence level feels like it’s gone through the roof.

Cons

• The last thing you want is an unpleasant, sexually transmitted infection or an unwanted pregnancy as a souvenir once you’re home. Buy, pack and use condoms at all times.

• It’s pretty unlikely to last beyond your holiday – try not to fall too hard. Many foreign guys are well practised at being charming …

• The guys at home all seem so dull by comparison.

• You could seriously piss off and fall out with your other mates, who may not have pulled on holiday. Is it really worth it?

• In some parts of the world, a western woman, especially an older, more gullible woman, is seen as a passport – literally – to a better life. Keep your wits about you.