Bulletproof Marriage E-Book

Adam Davis

• Herausgeber: BroadStreet Publishing Group, LLC
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019

Seitenzahl: 304

Beschreibung

Together you can make it through anything. We live in a troubled society, and those maintaining order and justice are some of the most overworked, unappreciated, and underpaid. The nature of their jobs is taxing both personally and relationally. Bulletproof Marriage is a 90-day devotional that applies biblical principles to support and strengthen the marriages of military members, law enforcement officers, and first responders. Each day includes a Bible verse, inspirational reading, quick tips, action steps for both husband and wife, and a prayer. Learn how to: • transition smoothly from duty to home. • resolve conflicts and develop healthy communication habits. • manage lifestyle stressors and cultivate resilience. • build trust and encourage intimacy. Sometimes the greatest love is not to sacrifice your life but to live a life of sacrifice. Invite God to help you make your marriage bulletproof.   

Leseprobe

With Bulletproof Marriage, Col. Grossman and Adam Davis provide precision guidance for sheepdogs on how to build resilient marriages. This is an essential guide for America’s protectors to work on their most important relationship, which often suffers mightily while they serve us.

—Mark Divine, author of The Way of the SEAL, and founder of Sealfit and Unbeatable Mind

Marriage is not easy and being married to a sheepdog is not for the faint of heart. This book, along with your Bible, is a great tool to keep your marriage strong! This will bless many couples. Thank you for writing it.

—Stephanie Rogish, wife of a cop and author of the Sheepdogs kids book

BroadStreet Publishing® Group, LLCSavage, Minnesota, USABroadStreetPublishing.com

Bulletproof Marriage: A 90-Day Devotional

Copyright © 2019 by Adam Davis and David Grossman

978-1-4245-5759-2 (hardcover)978-1-4245-5760-8 (e-book)

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Unless noted otherwise, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Scripture quotations marked TPT are from The Passion Translation®. Copyright © 2014, 2015, 2016 by BroadStreet Publishing Group, Racine, Wisconsin.thePassionTranslation.com. Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation. Copyright © 2007, 2004, 1996 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188, USA. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible. © Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked KJV ae taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

Stock or custom editions of BroadStreet Publishing titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, ministry, fundraising, or sales promotional use. For information, please email [email protected].

Literary agent, Cyle Young, of the Hartline Literary AgencyCover and interior design by Chris Garborg at garborgdesign.comTypesetting by Kjell Garborg at garborgdesign.com

Printed in China19 20 21 22 23 5 4 3 2 1

ADAM DAVISTo my best friend, the best gift God sent me in this life, my wife, Amber. You are truly a gift from heaven for me. I am thankful for you!

LT. COL. DAVID GROSSMANTo my bride of forty-two years, my high school sweetheart, my Jeanne. “More precious than rubies.” I praise God for you!

CONTENTS

Introduction

Section One: Foundation in Communication

Day 1Mission Impossible

Day 2The Tone of Love

Day 3The Power of Communication

Day 4Resiliency in Marriage

Day 5Confront Communication Monsters

Day 6The Proper Time for Everything

Day 7Strategy Is Paramount

Day 8Tearing Down the Wall

Day 9Respect the Relationship

Day 10Don’t Let This Pass You By

Day 11You’re Not a Robot

Day 12Close the Gap

Day 13The Art of Mutual Submission

Day 14Keep Your Word

Day 15Talk About Parenting

Day 16Treasure for Two

Section Two: Pillars of Trust

Day 17Building Blocks

Day 18Beautiful Restoration

Day 19Trust the Training

Day 20Affair Proofing

Day 21Addressing Past Hurts

Day 22Diluting Trust

Day 23The Vulnerable Spouse

Day 24The Reality of Trust in Marriage

Day 25Trust Killers

Day 26It’s a Balancing Act

Day 27Technically Speaking

Day 28Breaching Intimacy

Day 29Double Lives

Day 30A Trail to Trust

Day 31The Fate of Your Marriage

Section Three: Conflict Resolution

Day 32Pray Before Engaging

Day 33No Counterattack

Day 34Healthy Minds Think Alike

Day 35Addressing Anger

Day 36Anger Management

Day 37Remember the Goal

Day 38Establish Boundaries

Day 39No Matter What

Day 40Marriage Remix

Day 41Avoid Belittling

Day 42Don’t Be Stupid

Day 43Bridled Emotions

Day 44Commit to Fight Fair

Day 45Up Close and Personal

Day 46Stay on Point

Section Four: The Intimacy Initiative

Day 47On the Same Page

Day 48According to the Same Beat

Day 49Road Trip

Day 50Becoming One

Day 51Breaking Bread

Day 52Surprise Dates

Day 53Spontaneous Getaway

Day 54Enjoy the Ride

Day 55Budget Boredom

Day 56Thoughts on Giving

Day 57Golden Years

Day 58Bedroom Boundaries

Day 59Don’t Withhold a Good Thing

Day 60Break Up Hard Soil

Section Five: Affirming One Another

Day 61We Are Grateful for Each Other

Day 62Give and Receive Love Freely with Each Other

Day 63Forgive Each Other Easily

Day 64Communicate Expectations Clearly

Day 65Conquer Challenges Together

Day 66Respect Each Other

Day 67Honor Each Other

Day 68Love Each Other through Challenges

Day 69Appreciate the Actions of Your Spouse

Day 70A Spirit-Led Marriage

Day 71Love Each Other Unconditionally

Day 72Secure with Each Other

Day 73Grow More Attracted to Each Other

Day 74Express Your Feelings to Each Other

Day 75Continue to Do Life Together

Section Six: Oneness

Day 76Aligned Affections

Day 77Peacekeepers at Home

Day 78Quick Draw

Day 79Have Fun Together

Day 80Grow as Friends

Day 81Defend the House

Day 82Create a Vision Together

Day 83Growing in Faith Together

Day 84The Freedom of Selflessness

Day 85Unrestrained Love for Your Spouse

Day 86Abandon the Past

Day 87One Team

Day 88No Plan to Fail

Day 89Let’s Come Together

Day 90Enjoy and Thrive Together

About the Authors

Acknowledgments

INTRODUCTION

This book is for all “sheepdogs” (by whom, in this context, we mean all first responders and military) and your spouses. Throughout your journey along this selfless path, you will face unimaginable challenges. Challenges most will never understand or experience. These circumstances can create a more unified commitment and bond between you and your spouse, or it can create an atmosphere of contention and strife.

If this is your first time hearing the phrase “sheepdog,” it’s important to understand the deeper meaning of this phrase.

The sheepdog is the one, guided by the Great Shepherd, who is willing to fight for, and at times even die for, other people’s loved ones—the innocent sheep. The wolf is eager to kill, steal, and destroy, but only the sheepdog and the Great Shepherd love enough to die for the sake of all the sheep! Sometimes the greatest love is not sacrificing your life, but living a life of sacrifice. As a sheepdog, whether military or first responder, you have chosen a life of sacrifice. We store up our riches in heaven, but studying God’s Word and following His path can provide us with amazing gifts of strength, peace, and wisdom. One of His greatest blessings can be found in your relationship with your spouse. Use this ninety-day devotional to grow closer to Christ and build a more resilient, bulletproof marriage.

One day the sheepdog will finally rest at the feet of the Great Shepherd, yearning to hear those words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21 KJV).

As you move through this devotional, you will encounter relevant Scripture and daily devotions designed for you and your spouse. Many are real stories in which the names and identities have been changed. After each devotion is a quick tip summarizing the devotion for that day and practical action steps for you and your spouse. To complete the day’s entry, you’ll find a specific challenge for each of you, a few questions you can discuss together, and a prayer.

As you progress through this devotional, don’t look at it as another book. It’s a ninety-day challenge—a marriage boot camp—designed to help you make your marriage stronger and more resilient. There’s more in this book than you can probably tackle in one pass. So just grab what you can this time around and let it be a resource God uses in your marriage for years to come.

Take ninety days to bulletproof your marriage and make it as great as it can be. Are you up for it?

Dave Grossman

Lt. Col., US Army (ret.)

Author and sheepdog

SECTION ONE

Foundation in Communication

Day 1

Mission Impossible

Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”

MATTHEW 19:26 NLT

“Hey rookie, what are you doing in the patrol briefing room at this time of day?”

The pasty-looking sergeant wasn’t really concerned with Robinson’s reason for being there. He just wanted him gone from his presence.

“Hey sarge, I was wrapping up some paperwork and heading back out. About to meet my wife for lunch.”

“You married? How long?” the sergeant asked.

“We’ve been married six years. Two kids.”

Without wasting a breath, the sergeant replied, “I give it five more. Five years on this job and you’ll be divorced. It’s impossible for a cop to stay married with the crap we see every day. Good luck kid. You’re gonna need it.”

That conversation didn’t quite hit the encouragement level the newly sworn officer was looking for from a supervisor, but it was a clear wake-up call.

Everyone may tell you the alarming statistics regarding marriage, adultery, substance abuse, and suicide associated with your career in the military or as a first responder. But what they fail to mention is that nothing is impossible when you cultivate a daily, intimate relationship with God and place Him at the center of your life. That means your marriage does stand a fighting chance. That means your marriage has room to grow and thrive and you do not have to be a statistic. Get beneath the superficial, fluffy discussions that have no bearing or fruit. Go deep. Have meaningful conversations with your spouse and discuss the threats, discover solutions, and create practical steps to combat the challenges you will face in your marriage.

Quick Tip

It’s time to decide who you will believe. Are you going to believe the voices who say your marriage will become a statistic, or will you believe what God’s Word promises to those who are obedient and practice His truths? It’s up to both spouses to go deep in your discussions. Don’t let the dating years be the only lasting memory of meaningful conversation in your relationship.

Sheepdog

Think about the last conversation you had with your spouse. If that was your final conversation, would it be worth remembering? It’s great to talk about family-related issues, but make an effort to sit down with your spouse, grab a cup of coffee or tea, read the Bible together, and talk about it. Learn from and challenge each other. Grow together spiritually. The longer you are together, the closer you will grow in your intimacy and the more richly blessed your life together will be.

Spouse

Take the first step into deep-diving discussions together. If this doesn’t interest you, or if you have no desire to dig deep with your spouse and grow together, check your heart to see if you’ve allowed apathy to dominate your life. Find something that interests you both intellectually and spiritually and explore it together. These things will serve as a conduit of conversation between you and your spouse and help keep your lines of communication open and clear.

Questions for Discussion

•What are some things you would like to discover and explore with your spouse so that you can grow in intimacy?

•What is one simple way to implement biblical discussion and study in your marriage? Share your ideas.

Heavenly Father, we acknowledge your power as the Almighty Creator of all heaven and earth. You are the Creator, and you created us in your image. Help us awaken our desire to learn, grow wiser, and take this journey together as husband and wife. May this journey lead us into a deeper place of intimacy. Amen.

Day 2

The Tone of Love

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

COLOSSIANS 4:6

A sheepdog holds the line, stands guard, confronts evil, and battles against the vilest enemies of society. Gradually, this often results in a tone of conversation at home that resembles the verbal commands on the battlefield. You might need to consider taking a moment or two before responding to your spouse, carefully considering your words and the tone of your voice. Think about the power of words. The same applies to the tone in which you deliver them. How effective would your verbal commands be toward an adversary if you gave those commands as though you were reading a bedtime story? Likewise, how effective is a conversation going to be with your spouse if you deliver your words in the same way you issue verbal commands in a hot situation on duty? There is power in the tone of your voice to either bless or devastate your marriage.

You know the power of command, but when communicating with your spouse, it’s important to make your spouse feel like a priority in every way. This will not come easily, my warrior brothers and sisters, and will require intentional daily effort. Remember that friends talk to each other with respect and admiration, and before you were ever spouses or lovers, you were friends. Today, think about how your tone could dilute or tarnish conversation with your spouse and how your tone could add flavor and taste. It’s the little things that add up over time, and failing to communicate effectively in your marriage leads to trouble down the road.

Quick Tip

Before you respond to your spouse today, take a second and consider the tone you are conveying. It is often impossible to convey the intended tone through text messages. Commit to spending more time communicating face-to-face instead of via text. In fact, save the “hard stuff” for in-person communication only. If you want to create room for open and honest conversation, a loving, respectful, and gracious tone will establish trust, encourage love, and invite future discussion. Take a few minutes before responding if you feel tempted to respond in a negative tone. Does your conversation reflect grace, or does it incite strife and contention?

Sheepdog

You may not be in a position to communicate with your spouse during your tour, but if you are, be sure to remember they may not be aware of the stressors you are facing at the moment. Strive to use a conversational tone that reflects love and invites future discussion. Your tone, not just your words, can cause deep-rooted emotional pain for your spouse. Consider using tactical breathing techniques before engaging with your spouse or asking for a few minutes after you return home from duty to decompress. Your spouse may request the same from you! Today, think about how your spouse may perceive your tone, not just the words you speak. A word whispered in love is better received than one delivered harshly.

Spouse

Discuss conversational tone with your spouse. Your tone of voice can bring your warrior peace and help them relax at home. There is no “off” switch for your sheepdog, but having a haven to come home to can create a place for them to relax. Both of you have your own stressors and triggers, but remembering you are on the same team, fighting for one purpose and governed by the same loving God, can be a powerful tool in taming the tone of conversation.

Questions for Discussion

•What do you think your tone of conversation is?

•What does your tone convey to your spouse? Ask him or her.

Heavenly Father, help us remember that all we say to each other in our marriage, and the way we say it, conveys either the love you have shown us or contention and strife. Help us be more intentional with the words we speak to each other and the tone in which we deliver them. May we honor your great name with the way we converse in our marriage today. Amen.

Day 3

The Power of Communication

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

JAMES 1:19

Spending time together was something Sean and Kim used to enjoy, but the past eighteen months had taken a toll on their communication. Sean had spent three deployments in the Middle East, and Kim was concerned with his recent change in behavior. It seemed as if the slightest thing would set him off into an angry outburst.

“Sean, please stop yelling at me. All I wanted to know was if you would pick up the kids from school this afternoon. I’ve been called in to work early and cannot get away in time.”

“I told you I am busy, please stop nagging me!” he yelled.

“What is the deal, Sean? Is something going on? We can’t accomplish anything if we can’t talk to each other.” Kim was pleading for her husband to communicate. “I’m not one of your subjects, you know? I am your wife. You don’t have to talk to me like I am one of your subjects or a criminal.”

Aggressive communication in marriage is a good way to escalate a situation instead of bringing peace into the home. When communicating about work-related issues, set boundaries and stick within those boundaries. If you need to talk about something work-related with someone other than your spouse, then by all means do so. Along with this, you can arrange with your spouse to spend the first ten to fifteen minutes at home enjoying family without any questions about work. Others find it beneficial to use their first moments at home to decompress in silence. Tell your spouse “I love you” before departing for duty or ending a call, as this can be a powerful reminder for both of you when you are apart.

Communication is a two-way street, and there are many factors to ensure the success of your marriage as it relates to communicating with your spouse. After you’ve been on duty for many hours, it may seem natural to carry the authoritative tone you use on the job over into your home life, but this is seldom a useful approach.

Quick Tip

Communication is both verbal and non-verbal (eye contact, body language, or physical touch). Today, focus on verbal communication, and in particular, the tone of your voice. Don’t allow your emotions to take over the conversation, raise your voice, or talk over each other. A simple courtesy is to wait until your spouse finishes talking and then speak. If you are within close range, raising your voice is unnecessary and a communication killer. You can say the right things, but if they are not spoken with the proper tone of voice, the message will not be clearly received. Speak with love and grace when talking with your spouse.

Sheepdog

There may be times when certain triggers (the things that set you off) in a conversation cause your blood pressure to rise. Don’t let those things control you. Make sure your spouse is aware of these triggers, and strive to communicate with kindness and gentle humility even if your spouse yells or uses a negative tone.

Spouse

The tone of conversation with your spouse can shift at any moment based on emotions or other external and internal factors. The previous day’s events, past trauma and/or drama, or unmet expectations can all play a role in the tone of a conversation. If you or your spouse speak with harshness or sarcastic tones during serious discussions, try to discover the underlying reason for the behavior.

Questions for Discussion

•What are your conversational triggers? Calmly and considerately share them.

•What can you do to help each other overcome the triggers that affect you?

Heavenly Father, we thank you for our marriage and for each other. Please help us be clear, quick listeners, slow to anger, slow to respond, and effective in our communication with each other. Show us the power of communication and the deep level of intimacy awaiting us. Amen.

Day 4

Resiliency in Marriage

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

ECCLESIASTES 4:12

While the numbers and research vary, there is no doubt divorce is a major issue in America—especially in those marriages where one or both spouses are first responders or members of the military. For some, the long hours and lack of parenting support can present serious problems. For others, unhealthy coping mechanisms (like substance abuse or unfaithfulness) and the inability or refusal to communicate with each other take their toll. Whatever the reason, the devastation caused by divorce in families across America is clear as it becomes an acceptable societal norm.

So how can you prepare yourself and fortify your marriage, building a strong relationship that’s resilient in the face of adversity? As with anything in the life of a sheepdog, it begins and ends with your mind-set.

You are each other’s partner, the ultimate backup officer, and there shouldn’t be anything else you depend on more than your spouse. I said it. You shouldn’t depend on anyone or anything else more than your spouse, but that also means you should be delivering more to your spouse in order to meet their needs. It is time to protect your home and your marriage so that when you reach your eternal reward, you’ll hear, “Well done!”

Quick Tip

The definition of the word resiliency, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is “an ability to recover from or adjust to misfortune or change.”1 Don’t be so rigid in your expectations of each other that you have no room to adjust in the moment of adversity. Offer grace to your spouse and work together to establish a resilient marriage! Build your marriage on a foundation that permits you both to rebound from adversity and remember why you started your journey together. The driving motive behind any two people willing to work through adversity in a relationship is love. How tough is your love? Today, consider ways you can strengthen the pillars of your marriage: love, trust, communication, forgiveness, and intimacy.

Sheepdog

One of the key focuses of your communication efforts should be to promote cohesiveness in your relationship. “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken,” but if those strands do not bond, they will not stay together. You can do your part to not only invite future conversation in your marriage but also promote unity, cohesiveness, and effective bonding. One way you can do this is to contribute to your relationship with a sincere, genuine, and heartfelt desire to communicate regularly, as this also causes you to improve the togetherness that is so vital to a bulletproof marriage.

Spouse

It is a scientific fact that faith plays a crucial role in the resiliency of a sheepdog, but it also plays a critical role in a resilient marriage. Without faith, you feel hopeless, without a future, vision, or purpose. Don’t live governed by the tide of your emotions or circumstances, but instead live governed by your desire to communicate with your spouse from a heart that seeks to please and honor God. You can have a tremendous impact on encouraging your spouse’s faith journey—a key ingredient in building cohesiveness in your marriage.

Questions for Discussion

•What does a resilient marriage look like to you?

•What is one way today that you can nurture, encourage, and foster faith and cohesiveness in your marriage?

Heavenly Father, we know you have come so that we would have life to the fullest, living in complete victory. We also know this applies to our marriage. Today, we ask you to direct us as we seek to build a resilient marriage around your Word and spending time with you in prayer. Amen.

1Merriam-Webster.com, s.v., “resiliency,” https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/deference.

Day 5

Confront Communication Monsters

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 JOHN 4:18

Modern technology presents a new world of threats to your relationship if you are not prepared, educated, transparent, and communicating with your spouse. Combined with the long hours away from home and many opportunities for temptation, it doesn’t take much for the enemy to drown out God’s voice in your life. This ungodly voice creeps in and breeds doubt, fear, and anxiety. Before long, you may find yourself dealing with fear-based issues, not reality. Whether you’ve experienced broken trust in your relationship or not, do not take for granted the opportunity to prepare yourself for the enemy’s attacks against your family and marriage.

Infidelity doesn’t start in the bedroom; it begins when boundaries are crossed, when a spouse’s priorities start shifting toward someone else. This can happen in a regular texting conversation, social media chat, lunch meetings, or other inappropriate connections. Infidelity begins when you allow someone other than your spouse to meet the needs in your life. But, infidelity doesn’t have to be the end.

Chronic infidelity is often the sign of deeper, more significant issues. While a text or interaction on social media may seem fun, if you do not set boundaries for yourself and are not transparent with your spouse about what is going on, it can lead to a dangerous path of destruction.

Quick Tip

If there are underlying trust issues in your marriage, it’s time to hammer out those issues. Why do those issues exist? Past affairs? Assumptions of infidelity? Long hours at work and unmet needs of one or both of you? Take off the gloves, talk with love, and, if needed, seek out a counselor who will walk you through it. Whatever you do, don’t quit on your marriage. Set a date with no children, no distractions, and make sure your supervisors know you will be unavailable. Take your spouse and get away. Talk with each other. Have dinner away from town, do things together that stray from your same old routine. Surprise your spouse. Have an honest conversation about passwords, social media, smartphones, and transparency. Be kind with your spouse. Remember—you are both on the same team!

Sheepdog

In an interview with approximately two dozen spouses of first responders and military service members, one of the biggest “asks” from them was for their sheepdog to be an open, transparent communicator. If you want to develop a deep, passionate, lasting intimacy in your marriage, talk to your spouse. Don’t just have business discussions all the time about the serious stuff. Enjoy each other. Enjoy spending time with each other.

Spouse

You have tremendous power to bring peace to your spouse’s life. Your words, your touch, and your actions can have a profound impact. What a tremendous responsibility you both hold to speak peace, life, love, and vision into your spouse until death separates you. Today, resolve that you will no longer allow communication monsters to dilute, disempower, or divide your gift as a spouse.

Questions for Discussion

•What is one way you can foster an open line of transparent communication with your spouse?

•What is one way to bring peace into your spouse’s life?

Heavenly Father, thank you for arming us with the knowledge needed to have a successful, loving, and peaceful marriage. We want you to be at the center of our home, marriage, and lives. We ask you to remove any guilt, shame, or doubts of past trust issues and give us wisdom as we move forward in unity and love. Amen.

Day 6

The Proper Time for Everything

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.

ECCLESIASTES 3:1

Whether it is working a local municipal patrol beat, running a military operation, or battling another emergency, strategy plays a part in all you do. There’s a significant amount of planning that goes into any operation for good reason. You never begin your tour with the intention to fail, as victory is the only acceptable outcome. In the same way, be mindful of the timing when you engage in important conversations with your spouse. This isn’t a suggestion to be rigid in your approach to talking with each other, but rather, to be mindful and in tune with the events of your spouse’s life.

Every marriage has its own unique challenges, but each marriage requires effective and adequate conversation. There’s a proper time for everything under the sun, and this applies to the timing of certain conversations with your spouse. You may be tempted to bombard your spouse with grievances as soon as he or she arrives home: parenting issues, financial turmoil, or other pressing matters. However, the conversation may yield a more positive outcome if it is broached at a different time. No matter the topic of discussion, proper timing can mean the difference between a successful resolution or further strife. Make room for the challenges and stress your spouse faces daily, no matter your role in society.

Quick Tip

With unpredictable schedules, it may be difficult to set a specific time to have discussions about difficult topics. But, whenever possible, do so. Maybe the ideal time is before anyone else in the home is awake, or after everyone else has gone to bed. Find a time that is amicable for both of you to engage in the conversation and give your full attention to each other. You know the value of time, and when you apply that respect and appreciation to the time you have with each other, you will see a return on your investment. Commit to communicate in a healthy, loving, effective manner.

Sheepdog

Most of your shift is spent rushing to arrive on the scene of a call or respond to a crisis in the shortest amount of time as safely as possible, so you know the importance of timing. If your spouse is already overwhelmed with stress from issues in life, don’t add to their stress and trigger a potential overload. Respect the fact that, while they weren’t in the trenches as you were, they may have had a stressful day too dealing with their own unique challenges and issues. Don’t make your stresses a higher priority than those of your spouse. Let your spouse know you need to talk and then find a time that works for you both to discuss things.

Spouse

The more time you spend with your spouse, the more intimately you will know him or her. Both of you are valuable, and both of you face unique challenges every day. Having respect for each other and offering grace when mistakes occur is critical. Don’t take out your stress hastily on your spouse or children. You know your spouse better than anyone. You know their quirks, habits, and routines—both the good and bad. Find a time that is conducive for conversation and spend time together talking. Talk with your spouse about their thoughts on the timing of conversations.

Questions for Discussion

•When is the best time to bring up important issues for discussion with your spouse?

•If the time isn’t right, what can be a kind way to tell your spouse that the timing is not right but also schedule a time for discussion?

Heavenly Father, give us wisdom and discernment to know the proper time to have important discussions or introduce certain topics. Help us show each other grace in times of need and surrender the stressors of life to you alone. Amen.

Day 7

Strategy Is Paramount

Surely you need guidance to wage war, and victory is won through many advisers.

PROVERBS 24:6

The battle plan for marital conflict can be found throughout the Bible. Often we err in marriage when we place a higher priority on being “right” or on our desire to “win” in a conflict instead of serving our spouse and honoring God in our marriage. For many men and women, it is not in their DNA to lose. But in fact, in marriage, we lose when we desire to win at all costs—including causing division in our marriage and emotional pain to our spouse. So, what is the right strategy for conversing with your spouse? Surrender the notion that you must be right or win the conversation. Your spouse is precious in the sight of God, and He gave His all to redeem them.

Your strategy in marital conversations should always begin with the knowledge that God’s presence leads us to be gracious, kind, and respectful. Words, timing of discussions, and even the tone of conversations play a role in either nurturing or diluting the intimacy between you and your spouse. It is paramount to have a strategy for regular communication with your spouse, but it is also necessary to establish boundaries for righteous fighting. It’s not a matter of if there will be marital disagreements, but when. Prepare now for those times and you will grow closer through the challenges that come. When you and your spouse are equipped with a clear roadmap for communication, you reduce the potential for the small disagreements to become major issues.

Quick Tip

In a time when marriages are being attacked from every direction, protect the intimacy in your marriage. This requires strategy, planning, and determination. Be aware, however, that this is not always easy or pretty. It means you are willing to do the dirty work in order to enjoy the beautiful aspects of marriage. Don’t underestimate the power of communicating with your spouse about these issues. Conversations are the powertrain of intimacy in your marriage. Just as you plan where your money will go each paycheck, allot time for communication. When you and your spouse talk, communicate clearly and leave nothing open to interpretation.

Sheepdog

What is your ideal outcome from your communication efforts in your marriage? The goal should always include a resolved central issue, peace, and a closer relationship with your spouse. Contribute to that ideal by providing fuel for the conversation. Be gentle, kind, gracious, and forgiving. This is not indicative of weakness, rather it is characteristic of a healthy marriage and a present spouse. Your strategy for today is to enter conversation with your spouse while shrouded with grace, love, mercy, and understanding. It may require extra effort on your part to not seem overbearing or forceful, but that extra effort will produce tremendous results.

Spouse

All first responders have odd schedules and few are ever completely off duty. As someone married to a first responder, you know firsthand the challenges this presents and the disruption it can cause in your marriage and family life. One thing you can do is ask your spouse to give you some options for times to talk. Create an inviting environment conducive to open and loving discussion. This can be something as simple as asking your spouse for a time to sit and talk, but don’t leave the impression something is wrong! Leaving expectations unspoken and unmet is dangerous and creates room for division in your home.

Questions for Discussion

•What do you feel is the goal of communication in your marriage?

•What are some unspoken expectations that you have?

Heavenly Father, we are thankful for each other and for our marriage. We are thankful to you for the challenges we have faced, but now we seek to have a clear direction for communicating with each other and you. Let us always remember the words we speak echo through all eternity, and what we sow in discord will manifest division. Help us honor you in our communication. Amen.

Day 8

Tearing Down the Wall

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.

PHILIPPIANS 2:3