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- Herausgeber: David Fickling Books
- Kategorie: Für Kinder und Jugendliche
- Sprache: Englisch
Lexi's angry. And it's getting worse. If only she could stop losing her temper, her step-father would accept her, her mum would love her again, and her step-brother would return her feelings. She wants these things so badly, she tries to push her fury down.But it isn't easy. Her rage is there for a reason. And if she stays quiet - she might just lose herself . . .
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Seitenzahl: 452
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019
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For my sister, Tina
Contents
A Tale of Love and Death
Once there was a girl who grew up wicked. She threw things and slammed things and swore. She was clumsy and rude and had no friends. Her teachers thought her half-witted. Her family despaired.
‘Why can’t you be well-behaved and calm like other girls?’ they cried. ‘Why are you so bloody difficult day after day?’
The girl didn’t know the answer.
Her family tapped their feet and shook their heads disapprovingly, trying to work her out.
‘I’ll change,’ the girl said. ‘I’ll be good from now on, I promise.’
She wanted it to be true.
She wanted her family to love her.
But fury sat in her belly like a vicious snake. And some promises are hard to keep.
1
I ran into the garden to hide. I’d been there for over ten minutes and thought I was going to get away with it, when Mum came out of the flat and down the steps. I tried my best to be invisible, but when she walked across the lawn she saw me.
She said, ‘Get down from the tree and come and apologize right now.’
‘Is he angry?’
‘We both are.’
‘Is he going to ground me?’
‘I don’t know. But you can’t speak to people like that and think nothing’s going to happen.’
‘I didn’t mean to. The words just fell out.’
‘Is that right?’ She held out her hand to tick them off. ‘You hope tonight’s going to be a disaster. You hope the guests get food poisoning. You have no intention of coming to the party and we can all piss off. Those words just fell out of you, did they?’
I spread my fingers to touch a black-velvet leaf bud. If I was a leaf, nothing would be expected of me.
Mum said, ‘Pretty hurtful, wouldn’t you say?’
I peered down through the branches to look at her. She was wearing yoga pants and a T-shirt. She had an apron tied round her waist and her face was flushed. I melted looking at her. I’d promised to help get things ready and all I’d done was cause trouble. ‘I’m sorry, Mum.’
She smiled wearily up at me. ‘I know you’re disappointed Kass isn’t coming, but you can still have fun without him. Think of all the delicious food and how amazing the garden’s going to look with the lights and everyone dancing.’
But the only person I wanted to dance with was Kass. I hadn’t seen him since he went back to university after Christmas. That was sixty-five whole days ago.
Mum said, ‘Come on – down you get. The sooner you apologize to John, the less painful it will be.’
I climbed down slowly. I hoped I looked graceful.
‘I’ve had an idea about tonight,’ she said when I finally stood next to her on the grass. ‘I know you find social events hard and I’m sorry your brother can’t be here.’
‘He’s not my brother.’
‘You know what I mean. If Kass was here, you’d find everything easier. But he’s not coming, so there we are. So, how about you hand canapés around at the beginning? What do you think? It’ll give you the chance to socialize without pressure.’
I saw where this was going and felt a pinprick of panic. ‘I can’t speak to people.’
‘Having a task might help.’
What would she do if I turned round and climbed the tree again? Would she grab my ankles? If I scrambled up quickly enough maybe she’d walk back across the lawn and tell John I’d disappeared? They’d have to celebrate their engagement without me. But as moments kept slipping by, it was obvious we weren’t going in that direction. I shoved my hands in my pockets and waited.
‘Lex?’ she said, eventually.
‘Surely, the whole point of a buffet is that people help themselves?’
‘They help themselves to the main course, but it’s usual to offer appetizers as guests arrive.’
‘Please don’t make me. Get Iris to do it instead.’
‘Iris is a little young.’ She linked her arm with mine and squeezed. ‘This is a fresh start for us. I want you involved.’
She was excited. I could feel it through her fingers. She’d waited years for John’s divorce to come through, and now she could finally be his wife she didn’t need me messing things up.
‘I’ll collect empty glasses if you like. I’ll look after coats.’
‘That doesn’t get you mingling, Lex.’
‘Honestly, Mum, me walking about with trays of food is going to be a disaster. You know it is.’
‘I don’t know anything of the sort.’
I’d trip over. I’d spill stuff. I’d forget the names of the canapés. ‘What’s this?’ people would ask, pointing at something on my tray, and they’d expect a sensible answer and I’d stand there mumbling rubbish and they’d look at me weirdly and I’d get so mad I’d fling the tray on the grass and stomp off. John’s glossy workmates would discover what he already knew – that I was an idiot with a terrible temper. Someone was bound to ask him, ‘Is this girl anything to do with you?’ And then there’d be that awful disappointed look on his face as he said, ‘Alexandra is going to be my stepdaughter.’
Mum kissed the top of my head. I don’t know why. Maybe she was wishing me luck or maybe she was letting me know that even though I was a nightmare, she still loved me.
I said, ‘I’m angry with Kass.’
Mum nodded. ‘I know.’
I’d texted him from my bedroom earlier: U AWAKE?
He took thirty-seven minutes to text back. AM NOW.
STILL NOT CMING?
He said no. He said sorry and that he’d make it up to me. I wanted to ask how he planned on doing that, but I didn’t. I switched my phone off instead.
Mum took my hand as we walked back to the flat. ‘You’ll get used to him being gone one day, Lex.’
She didn’t get it at all.
I was eight when I first met Kass and he was nearly eleven. Mum was already pregnant with Iris, so making a new family was a fait accompli, which means you get no choice.
Kass was told to look after me in the garden while the adults talked. I decided to ignore him. I was eight and didn’t need looking after. Also, it was my garden. I decided if I didn’t speak to him or look at him that he’d go away. But he didn’t. The first thing he did was sit on a step of the fire escape and say, ‘If there really was a fire, these stairs would be useless.’ He pointed out that they led directly into a walled garden from which there was no escape and that once everyone from the flats had collected there, it would be hell – with bits of burning building falling on our heads and no way out. ‘You should get a rope with knots in it,’ he said, ‘and tie it to your bed or the window frame and go out the front.’
I liked it that he could think about terrible things in such a calm way. I also liked it that he wanted to save me. In Hansel and Gretel, it was the girl who did the saving, but the other way around might be fun.
‘My mum’s going to go nuts when she knows I’ve been here,’ he said next. He picked up a handful of gravel from the steps and threw each little stone one by one onto the grass. ‘Your mum’s the other woman. Did you know?’
I shook my head.
‘That’s why my mum’s going to go nuts. She went ballistic when she found out. She thought my dad was busy at work, not going on dates.’
‘He’s been seeing my mum for ages,’ I said.
‘Exactly,’ Kass said.
He told me his mum threw his dad out, but she let him back when he promised to change. He said his dad was great at apologies, but they were usually bullshit and he wished his parents would stop being morons.
‘Then my mum found out about the baby.’ He looked right at me and something sad in his eyes made my heart leap.
‘What did she do?’ I whispered.
‘Yelled a lot. Chucked stuff. The funniest thing she threw was a cup of tea at my dad’s head.’
He laughed, so I laughed too. ‘Did it hit him?’
‘He ducked, and it smashed on the wall, but he got soaked anyway.’
I kept looking in his eyes. ‘What else did she throw?’
‘The biggest thing was the TV, which she flung down the stairwell.’
We cracked up at that. I thought his mum must be very strong, but he told me it was a portable TV, so it wasn’t that impressive. Also, that his mum wanted to get a new one anyway, so it wasn’t much of a loss.
Kass said, ‘My mum thinks my dad’s got this amazing new life with a new place to live and a new woman and a ready-made daughter.’
‘She knows about me?’
‘Of course.’
The idea that the grown-ups had been talking about me, and a total stranger was jealous of my life, made me gloriously happy.
I showed Kass my special way of climbing the tree and which branch to use to drop down to the wall. He said I clearly already knew what to do if there was a fire and could’ve rescued myself all along. From the top branch, I showed him which flat was mine and we searched the windows looking for my mum or his dad, but the sun was glaring, so we just got bright reflections back. Then we looked at other people’s windows to see if we could see anyone naked, but we couldn’t. We played silly games – the craziest curtains, the most things on a window ledge, the dirtiest glass, the ugliest plant. We agreed on loads. And we laughed a lot. I was ridiculously glad that I could make him laugh.
But nothing was as good as the moment when he asked about my dad.
‘I never met him,’ I said. ‘He dumped my mum when she got pregnant with me.’
Until then, I hadn’t felt the smallest bit pleased about never having known my dad. But saying it out loud was like giving Kass an important gift.
He whistled low and long. Then he took my hand and squeezed it.
‘Adults really piss me off,’ he said.
It was like we’d cut our fingers with knives and become bound.
2
Inside, the flat was like an advert – full of sunshine and cooking smells. Iris sat at the lounge table with her colouring things, John was in his chair with the Saturday newspapers spread across the carpet at his feet. I wondered if he was going to give me the silent treatment, but he looked up as I walked in. ‘Calmed down?’
‘Sorry.’
‘Is that it?’
‘Sorry I said the things I did. I didn’t mean them. I hope your party is a huge success and I won’t lose my temper ever again.’
‘Well, now you just sound sarcastic.’
He went back to his paper. I breathed easier.
Iris flicked me a smile. ‘Come and look at my picture.’ She’d drawn a fairy-tale castle made of glass and mirrors, erupting into a blue sky. ‘It’s our new house,’ she said. ‘The one Daddy’s going to build when we’re rich. This is a turret’ – she pointed at the smallest tower – ‘and these are called crenellations.’
‘Good girl,’ John said. ‘You want me to teach you a bastion next?’
‘No thank you.’ She sucked the end of her pen. ‘I’m going to do direction posters for the party now, so everyone knows to come upstairs for the bathroom.’
I kissed the top of her head. She smelled of biscuits. ‘That’s sounds a lot of work.’
She nodded. ‘I have infinite patience.’
I often doubted we were related. Not just the amount of words she knew for a six-year-old, but how talented she was at everything. Also, she was insanely pretty. It was like she was from a different species. It was John and Mum’s genes mixed together. I was an ogre compared to the rest of them.
John flapped his paper. ‘Uninhibited,’ he said. ‘Eight letters, second letter is m.’
I wished more than anything I knew. I wanted to stun him with sudden intelligence.
‘I thought it might be “immoral”,’ John said, ‘but that’s not enough letters.’
Was he really wanting help? I plonked myself on the sofa opposite him. ‘You want me to look it up on my phone?’
‘No, because that would be cheating.’ Definitely not wanting help. He tapped his pen on the paper. ‘You know tonight’s smart casual, right?’
I looked down at my jeans. They had a hole in one knee and mud round both hems. I’d been wearing them yesterday and had dragged them back on this morning.
‘I’m planning on wearing a dress.’
‘Great. Have I seen it?’
‘It’s new. I’ll show you later. Mum’s got jobs for me first.’
I could hear her out in the kitchen clunking stuff about. John’s colleagues were used to catered parties, but John said he wanted theirs to be authentic, which meant everything home-made.
I slunk down into the sofa, suddenly full of dread. All those architects from John’s work would be clever and polished like him. I was going to spend the evening feeling such a loser.
John folded his paper and picked up his cigarettes. ‘Iris, I’m going to smoke. Can you leave the room for ten minutes?’
‘But I’m doing something.’
‘Take a break and come back.’ He smiled at her. ‘Bedroom or kitchen – your choice.’
She put down a felt-tip pen and picked up a new colour. ‘I choose to stay.’
‘No, sweetheart – I don’t want your lungs full of smoke and tar.’
She snapped the lid off the pen. ‘I don’t want your lungs full of that either.’
He laughed. ‘Come on, give me a break here.’
‘Smoking’s very bad for you, Daddy.’
He held his hands up in surrender. ‘All right, you win. How about making me some tea instead?’
She frowned, suspicious. ‘So you can smoke when I’m gone?’
He waggled the cigarette at her. ‘I promise if you make some tea and bring me a slice of shortbread, I will never smoke this.’
She hopped off her chair and held out her hand. ‘Give it to me then.’ He passed it over and she patted his head. ‘Good boy.’
He was never obedient like that with me. I wish I could make him sit, lie down, beg, come to heel …
‘So,’ John said, and I realized too late that he’d sent Iris away on purpose. ‘I understand you pestered Kass about joining us tonight?’
My heart scudded. ‘He told you that?’
He pulled a fresh cigarette from the packet and lit it. ‘I believe you told your mother.’
I knew I was blushing. I sighed as if everything about Kass was boring and slid down the sofa some more. ‘I happened to text him. I happened to mention it.’
‘And his answer was …?’
‘He’s still busy.’ I checked out my nails.
‘And that brought on your tantrum?’ He leaned forward, smoke coiling between us. ‘We talked about this, didn’t we? I don’t want him thinking he has to rush down from Manchester at the drop of a hat.’
I checked my cuticles, the dry patch on my palm.
John said, ‘He’s got exams coming up. No one expected him to come tonight and now he feels guilty.’
‘I wasn’t trying to make him feel guilty.’
He frowned. Beat, beat went our hearts.
‘What were you trying to make him feel, Alexandra?’
If I had to sum up, I’d say: a crushing desire to spend therest of his life with me. But I wasn’t going to admit that out loud. Not until I’d proved to John that I was good enough for his son.
‘Give the boy a break,’ John said.
‘I thought you’d like him at your party.’
‘He’ll be back after exams, OK?’ He gave me a tight smile. ‘Although, if you keep hassling him, he might prefer to stay away.’
The furious thing inside me came roaring up, but I swallowed it. ‘I’m not hassling him. I’m communicating.’
‘Well, communicate less.’
‘Yes, John.’ I used my robot voice.
‘Now, about tonight. I don’t want any more outbursts, so best behaviour – OK?’
‘I’m going to help. I’m going to hand out canapés.’
‘Seriously? Is that a good idea?’
‘Don’t worry. I won’t drop anything.’
‘How about you just keep your temper in check?’ He tapped his cigarette on the edge of the ashtray. ‘Be polite, that’s all I ask – be nice to my friends and super-nice to my boss.’
‘Why? You after a raise?’
He laughed. ‘Think you can get that for me?’
There’s a valley in Norway where the sun hardly ever shines, and the people are shivering and gloomy for half the year. Then, one day, someone had the brilliant idea to put giant mirrors at the top of the mountain to reflect the sun down and they put benches around the town square, so people could sit and lift their faces to the light. Living in the shade makes you afraid to dream of the sun and then, when you feel it at last, it’s thrilling.
‘Best behaviour,’ I said. ‘I promise. By the end of the night, you’ll be proud to know me.’
He nodded, and for a moment he looked as if he believed it might be possible.
3
The first time I met John, I was seven and Mum had invited him round to the flat. I was wearing my sequin dress and Mum was wearing her favourite skirt with the lace at the bottom and a new pink blouse which was see-through, but she said that didn’t matter because she was wearing a posh bra. She’d tidied up and vacuumed and sprayed air freshener. She’d bought a box of beer and put it in the fridge.
While we waited for him to arrive, we looked at the website for the architects’ office where he worked. We pressed the button called ‘About Us’, and pictures of everyone who worked there appeared.
‘That’s him,’ Mum said. ‘Hasn’t he got a lovely smile?’
There weren’t any pictures of houses he’d built because he wasn’t a partner, so we came off the projects page and looked at his photo again. Then Mum checked the time on her phone and went to the window to look out. ‘It probably looks different in daylight,’ she said. ‘All the other times, it’s been dark when he’s come here. I hope he hasn’t walked straight past.’
‘All the other times?’ I said.
‘Oh,’ she said, waving a hand. ‘When you were asleep.’
She phoned her friend Meryam. ‘Has he forgotten? Has he got cold feet? Has he had an accident?’ She took the phone out to the kitchen, but I could hear her anyway. ‘You think he’s playing hard to get? You think this is because of Lex? He wanted me to send her to her grandfather for the weekend – you think I should have done?’
I twirled in my dress, so I wouldn’t have to listen. The skirt spun about me.
‘I just got a text,’ Mum said, coming back into the lounge. ‘He’s running late but he’s still coming, so that’s a relief.’
I pirouetted for her and the skirt danced.
‘You’ve messed up your hair,’ she said.
She sat me on the stool in the lounge and brushed me neat again. She decided I needed shoes, even though we were indoors, and went off to find them. She changed her earrings and reapplied lipstick. She said my hair had a mind of its own and she’d plait it while we waited. I liked the feel of her fingers in my hair. She hadn’t braided it for weeks. ‘He’s here!’ Mum squealed suddenly. She nudged me from the stool and threw the brush on the bookshelf. She pulled me away from the window. ‘Don’t let him see you looking!’
She stood in the centre of the room with her hand flat on her belly. ‘Breathe,’ she told herself.
I’d never seen her like this. It was as if she wasn’t in charge any more.
She walked very slowly to the door when the intercom buzzed. She stood there not answering and I watched her count, her lips moving from one to ten, and then she pressed the button and said, ‘Hello?’ and she managed to make herself sound casual, as if she barely cared. ‘Oh, hi,’ she said. ‘Just push the door and come up.’
She winked at me as we listened to his footsteps coming up the stairs.
‘Lexi, this is John,’ Mum said as he walked through the door and into the hallway, and she waved at me and then she did an odd little bow to him like he was a king. ‘And this is my daughter, Lexi.’
He held out his hand and I shook it. ‘Hello,’ he said. ‘Nice to meet you.’
‘Thank you,’ I said. I had no other words for him and we stood there looking at each other. His smile was like being warmed under a lamp.
4
Go down the stairs, I told myself. You’ve got this.
But standing on the top of the fire escape looking down at all the swanky people in the garden made me feel like Cinderella. No – her ugly sister, the one who cut her toes off to make the glass slipper fit. My feet looked massive in Mum’s dainty shoes, my hands were clumsy paws sticking out from the sleeves of her dress. She’d wrapped it round me, pulled the belt so tight that my hips and breasts were squashed flat and then told me I looked lovely.
When I’d put on the dress I’d wanted to wear, the material had followed my curves like the website suggested: Show off your best features and offer a flattering silhouette. I did look lovely then. But when I’d gone into the lounge to twirl for John, he’d shouted, ‘No, no!’ and called for Mum. He’d pointed at me. ‘It’s way too revealing. She can’t wear that. Did you buy that for her?’
Mum told him she’d never seen the dress before and I had to confess I’d secretly used her Amazon account and bought it online. John told Mum she really needed to keep a better eye on me and I said I was sorry and promised (again) to be on my best behaviour.
Mum put an arm around me and led me away. ‘Come on, babe. Let’s find something else.’
She took me to her bedroom and rifled through the hangers in her wardrobe, plucking out dresses and holding them against me, then frowning and putting them back. Finally, she pulled out a black dress covered in dry-cleaner’s plastic.
‘This one,’ she said. ‘It’s a wrap-around. I bought it for Granddad’s funeral.’
‘Well, that’s cheery.’
‘It was very expensive. You’ll look sophisticated.’
‘I’ll look like I’m in mourning. It’s the exact opposite of a party outfit.’
She laughed. ‘Your idea of a party outfit was a little risqué.’
‘Well, I’m only agreeing if I can wear the necklace with it.’ It was the one thing Mum had inherited – a gift from her dad to her mum on their fortieth wedding anniversary and concrete proof that love could last a lifetime. ‘Granddad said we could share it when I turned sixteen.’
‘That’s weeks away.’
‘Today’s a special occasion and it’s a waste keeping it shut in a box all the time.’
But Mum said it was too precious, and if I lost it, it’d break her heart.
Once I was sealed into the dress, she brushed my hair. ‘You don’t know this,’ she said, ‘but when we first moved here, I wasn’t speaking to Granddad. He thought I was foolish getting pregnant so young. And he was ashamed your dad wanted nothing to do with me.’
‘That wasn’t your fault.’
‘I should have made better choices, apparently. I shouldn’t have thrown my future away.’ She smiled at me in the mirror. ‘I let him pay for the flat, but nothing else. I wanted to prove I could manage. I was eighteen years old with a new baby and I didn’t know a single person in London. I had no job, no friends and hardly any money.’
‘You had me.’
‘Yes, I had you. And you were beautiful.’ She wrapped a band round my hair and pulled it tight. ‘But I’d go days without speaking to anyone. I’d sit in the park and watch couples with their kids and it felt like I came from a different planet. Even after I met Meryam and made a few friends, it was tough. I didn’t go on a date for years. I began to think I’d never be loved that way by a man again.’
‘Mum, that’s gross!’
She laughed as she twisted my hair into a knot. ‘You’ll understand when you’re older. What I’m trying to tell you is that when John came along it was like my lights switched back on.’
‘That’s gross too!’
‘It’s important to me that you two get along.’
‘So you keep saying.’
‘Especially now we’re getting married.’
‘OK. I get it.’
‘Good. And talking of Meryam – she’s coming tonight, so you’ll know someone.’
‘Meryam’s your friend.’
‘But you’ve known her all your life, so you can chat to her. And she might bring Ben.’
‘What did you invite him for? I see him every day at school, so that’s just weird.’ I tried to read the look that flickered across Mum’s face. ‘Are you secretly thinking I’ve got no friends?’
She sighed. ‘No, I’m secretly thinking we’ve got precisely twenty minutes before people start to arrive.’ She snapped a hairclip into place at the top of my head. ‘You’re done.’
But I was wrong in so many places. Even my hair misbehaved and had to be tucked away. I wanted something to be right. So, after she went off to get Iris ready, I snuck open Mum’s jewellery box and took the necklace. It was like something a queen would wear – a solid gold chain with eight rubies set along it. The stones held fire.
Standing at the top of the stairs now, I tipped the necklace to the light. ‘Granddad,’ I whispered. ‘Help me nail this.’
If you want a favour from the dead, you have to offer them something back – like leaving them food or doing a special job or keeping their secrets. Whenever I asked my granddad for help, I promised never to forget him.
Iris was wearing her fairy outfit. She whirled on the lawn, her hair tumbling loose and her wings sparkling. She saw me and waved. ‘Lexi!’ I waved back, and she ran up the stairs to me. I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around my waist and I spun her.
John was watching, and he called, ‘Careful on those steps, Alexandra.’
I set Iris gently down. ‘Wish me luck with the canapés.’
‘You want me to help?’
‘I promised I’d do it. I’m supposed to mingle.’
‘We could do it together. Then you’re already mingling.’
I took her hand. ‘Will you do the talking?’
‘And you hold the tray?’
‘Exactly. Like a sister double act. You’re the clever one and I’m the strong one.’
She was brilliant at it. I held the tray and tried not to drop anything, and Iris was my angelic assistant.
‘Crostini?’ she said. ‘Or we have filo tartlets, vol-au-vents or breaded prawns. I’ve tried them all and they’re delicious.’
People loved her. People radiated warmth just looking at her.
‘Look at the little one, isn’t she adorable?’
‘Gorgeous.’
‘Not surprising, given her father …’
‘That man gets more handsome each week, I swear.’
‘What about the older girl?’
‘She’s not his.’
Not yet I wasn’t. But after the wedding I would be.
I pulled Iris close. ‘What do you do,’ I asked, ‘to make everyone love you?’
‘I smile a lot.’
‘Doesn’t that make your jaw ache? Don’t you get sick of it?’
She glared at me. ‘It takes more muscles to frown.’
Which made me laugh. Which made her laugh too.
We gave out two whole trays of starters and had nearly finished the third when we saw Meryam. Iris ran over and hugged her. Meryam held her arms out to me. ‘Lexi,’ she said. ‘I haven’t seen you for ages.’
I couldn’t hug her properly because of the tray, so I leaned in and she stroked me on the back.
‘How are you?’ she said.
I shrugged. ‘OK, thanks.’
‘She doesn’t like people she doesn’t know,’ Iris told her. ‘And she thinks smiling makes your jaw ache.’
Meryam laughed. ‘You have my sympathy, Lex. It’s tough to be smiley with strangers – especially such stylish ones. I find it helps to imagine them on the toilet.’
Iris giggled so much that people looked over. I liked it that we looked as if we were having more fun than them. It made it easy to tell Meryam about the red dress I’d originally been wearing and how John had a meltdown when he saw it. ‘It was funky,’ I said. ‘Much nicer than this one.’ Meryam stroked my arm and said that no dress could hide my youthful beauty.
We talked about the surprise of John’s marriage proposal after all these years, and I said it was because Kass’s mum wouldn’t sign the divorce papers, and Iris said she probably still loved him and I said it was because she was badass and we all started giggling again. Then Meryam said, ‘I’m sorry, girls, but I’ve finally seen someone I know. Do you mind if I pop off and talk to them?’
Iris gave her an electric smile. ‘I’m popping off first.’ And she skipped away, her fairy wings bouncing. Me and Meryam watched her go. We seemed less without her.
Meryam said, ‘Come with me if you want, Lex.’
I knew it was because she felt sorry for me and I jiggled my tray. ‘I’ve got to hand these out.’
‘Let me call Ben over to help you. He’s by the bar – look.’
He was taking a lug from a bottled beer. He was the same age as me, so how come he was allowed to break the rules? He didn’t seem to have to follow the dress code either, and was wearing jeans and a hoodie.
Meryam nudged me. ‘Why not go over and say hello?’
‘I will in a minute. I’ll get rid of these canapés first.’
She gave me a gentle rub on the back and walked off. I pretended to be Iris as I took the tray round the garden again. I tried to look friendly and normal. ‘Crostini? Filo tartlet?’
Mum and John were talking by the fence, so I went over and held out my tray. ‘Vol-au-vent?’
Mum gave me a small smile. ‘Not now, Lex.’
‘What’s up?’
‘Nothing babe, it’s OK.’
But John looked hassled and Mum was all tense, so something was going on.
‘It’s a party,’ John said to her. ‘I’m allowed to talk to people, surely?’
‘I don’t have a problem with you talking, John. That’s not what I meant.’
I took a piece of cucumber from the tray and shoved it in my mouth. It wasn’t as nice as it looked. It tasted of water and fridges.
John wiped an arm across his face and it made him look tired, and maybe Mum felt guilty about whatever she’d said because she took a big breath. ‘Forget I said anything.’
‘Bit late for that.’
I took another piece of cucumber and chomped it down at top volume.
John blinked at me. ‘What’re you doing?’
I smiled up at him. ‘Nothing.’
‘Aren’t you supposed to be handing food around instead of eating it yourself?’
‘It’s only cucumber.’
‘What, you think that doesn’t count?’
‘It’s got zero calories.’
‘I’m talking about the fact that you’re not leaving any for anyone else.’
I took a vol-au-vent instead and ate it while staring at him.
‘Are you not going to stop her?’ he said to Mum. ‘It was your idea to have her helping, and now she’s guzzling everything.’
Mum smiled soothingly at him. ‘Let me deal with Lexi. You get back to the guests.’
He huffed through his nose, like that’s what he’d wanted all along. ‘Speech in ten minutes?’ he said. His voice had lost some of its edge.
‘Sure,’ Mum said.
He kissed her on the cheek. ‘I love you. Never forget it.’
We watched him walk away.
I waited for Mum to have a go at me about the canapés, but she’d noticed the necklace and was frowning.
‘Oh, Lex, what did I tell you?’
I skimmed my hand along the chain. ‘It’ll be fine. I won’t lose it.’
‘Does nothing I say to you make any difference?’
‘I’ll be careful. It’s helping me feel brave.’
She shook her head. ‘Please. You promised best behaviour tonight.’
I hated that disappointed look in her eyes. ‘OK, OK, I’ll take it off.’
‘Not here. Finish handing out the canapés. I’ve got to bring the main buffet down in a minute. Then, straight upstairs and put it back in my jewellery box.’
I quickly did another tour of the lawn, offloading most of what was left, and then took the almost empty tray over to a couple standing by one of the outdoor heaters. He was grey-haired and expensive-looking; she was pretty and much younger than him. I gave them my best attempt at a smile. ‘Breaded prawn?’
The woman shook her head politely. ‘No, thank you.’
The bloke looked me up and down. ‘Any chance you could get me another glass of Chablis?’
I balanced the tray onto one arm and helped myself to a crostini and stuffed it in my mouth.
He stared at me. The woman stared at me too.
‘I don’t work here,’ I said. ‘I’m one of the daughters.’
I picked up a vol-au-vent to prove it, but as I brought it to my mouth, it collapsed and slid out of my hand. The woman gave a little yelp as it landed on her foot.
‘Shit,’ I said. ‘I’m really sorry.’
John came bounding over. ‘What happened?’
‘An accident,’ the woman said, waving a hand. ‘No harm done.’
‘Right on your shoe! Oh, Alexandra – butter fingers …’
‘I didn’t do it on purpose,’ I said quietly.
‘Run and get some tissues, quickly.’
The bloke handed me his napkin. ‘Use this.’
I knelt on the grass and scooped the biggest lump from the woman’s shoe. My face burned as I folded it into the cloth and dabbed at what was left. I felt all three of them looking down at me.
‘Can’t get the staff,’ John said.
‘Ha ha,’ said the man.
I’d smeared it and made everything worse – the shoe looked cloudy and damp.
‘Never mind,’ the woman said. ‘Really, it doesn’t matter.’
‘It does,’ John said. ‘Send me the bill if it needs a specialist clean, Monika. Honestly, I mean it.’
I stood up and held the man’s napkin out to him, but John waved me away. ‘I think the bin, don’t you?’
I walked two circumferences of the garden. I thought about camouflaging myself as a bush. I thought about lying on the ground and pretending to be dead. I thought about creeping up the stairs and going to my room. Instead, I found a dark place under my tree and sat there.
‘Hey, Lex!’
I snapped my eyes open, convinced for one amazing second it was Kass – but no: Ben was standing grinning in front of me.
‘Why are you sitting by yourself?’ he said.
‘Because I hate parties.’
He laughed. ‘Are you hatching a plan to wreck it?’
I stared at him. ‘Why would I do that? You think I’m a nutter?’
I sounded furious and he looked embarrassed. His feelings were always right there on the surface for anyone to see.
I said, ‘Did your mum tell you to talk to me?’
He shook his head.
‘Because I don’t need a friend. So, feel free to go away.’
‘Jesus,’ he said. ‘I only came over to say hi.’
I should be kind to him. Our mums had been friends for years and we’d played together as kids. But I just sat there not saying anything and he stood in front of me shuffling from foot to foot.
‘Can I have some of your beer?’ I said eventually.
He handed it over and watched as I knocked it back. He didn’t even look as if he minded.
‘You’re very generous,’ I said. I meant it, although it came out sounding sarcastic.
He said, ‘So, where’s Kass tonight?’
‘He couldn’t come. He’s studying.’
I sounded bored of the whole deal. My boring stepbrother and his dull life. I liked how ordinary I sounded.
Ben said, ‘Have you started studying yet?’
‘Of course not.’
‘Don’t you want to stay on at sixth form?’
Was he teasing me? ‘You need to get averages of five or above.’
‘And won’t you?’
‘Not unless a miracle happens.’
He shrugged. ‘You’ll do fantastic in Drama.’
‘That’s one GCSE. My only other good subject is Media and I haven’t even started my project yet.’
‘There’s still time. Come on, Lex – you can do it. You’re not bad at English, are you? You’ll get a five for that, easily.’
Some nights I lay in bed in a sweat because of everything I didn’t know. Once, I looked at an old science paper on my laptop and it was like reading a foreign language. It showed how far we’d grown apart if Ben thought opening a few books was going to sort my life out. I stared at him so he’d stop talking about school. He had freckles, and even though Meryam was dark-haired, Ben’s hair was chestnut red, but you couldn’t tell those things in the dark.
‘Don’t give up, Lex,’ he said. ‘I bet you can do anything if you put your mind to it.’
I was going to tell him to please talk about something else when we were interrupted by the clinking of a glass from across the lawn and people shouting, ‘Speech, speech!’
‘Here we go,’ Ben said.
John was standing on the steps and Mum was next to him. As I watched, Iris ran over and John picked her up and she wrapped an arm round his shoulder and he cradled her close.
He turned to the crowd and smiled his golden smile. ‘Thank you so much for coming tonight,’ he said. ‘I’d like to say a few words if you’ll indulge me …’
He talked about meeting Mum and how from the minute he saw her, he knew she was ‘the one’. ‘Well, look at her,’ he said. She laughed and did a shy little curtsey. ‘Just as well she stole my heart,’ he said, ‘because she was pregnant within five minutes.’ He lifted Iris to the crowd and everyone cooed. He talked about moving into the flat when his ex-wife claimed his assets (should people laugh at that?) and pointed out the lines of new bricks where he’d eventually bought the flat above and converted them into one. ‘But,’ he said, ‘my real dream house is on a roll of white tracing paper in my desk and, as many of you are aware, finding building plots in London is not the simplest task.’ The crowd lapped it up. They were mostly architects, so I guess it was interesting to them.
‘I would like to propose a toast to my fiancée,’ John said. ‘Georgia, you’re beautiful and patient and everything I could hope for in a woman. Just as soon as I’m made partner and can afford it’ – more laughter – ‘I promise to build you the home you deserve.’ He accepted the kiss she planted on his cheek and waved his hand to acknowledge cheers from the crowd.
‘Seriously,’ he said, ‘thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to celebrate with us. Please enjoy the buffet and the bar and don’t forget to throw some shapes on the dance floor.’ He raised his glass. ‘To the future.’
‘What?’ Ben said as all the adults raised their glasses and echoed John’s words. ‘No PowerPoint presentation?’
I shot him a look. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Why did you say it then?’
He shrugged. ‘He just sounds a tiny bit of a prick, that’s all.’
‘That’s extremely rude of you.’
He gazed at me for a minute, then nodded. ‘I’m going to get a drink.’
He walked away, and I went in the opposite direction. I helped myself to a plate of food and sat back under my tree. I watched the party grow and swell as more people arrived and the ones who were there got louder. Empty plates were gathered up. The cakes were brought out. More lights came on and the garden glittered. The morning felt like years ago.
I scanned the lawn for Iris. She’d taken her ballet slippers off and hung them in a bush, their silky ribbons trailing to the ground. She looked like a painting of a girl sitting exhausted on the grass beneath them with her hair spilling around her shoulders. If I offered to take her in and put her to bed, it might get me back in everyone’s good books.
A man sidled up as I walked into the light. ‘Hello again.’ It was the bloke from earlier. He held out his hand for me to shake. ‘Sorry about before. I had no idea you were John’s girl. I’m Roger.’
His handshake was firm and made me feel grown up. And I liked being John’s girl. ‘Hello,’ I said.
I had no idea beyond that – what was supposed to happen next.
‘And you’re Alexandra, I believe?’
I nodded. He nodded back at me.
‘So,’ he said. ‘No longer gainfully employed handing out food?’
‘I got sacked.’
He chuckled. ‘Because of Monika’s shoe?’
‘I pretty much ruined it.’
He chuckled some more and nodded over to her. She was standing with John by the stairs. ‘I wouldn’t worry,’ Roger said. ‘She’s only the intern. I doubt she has expensive shoes.’
‘You work with her?’
‘I guess you could say so. I’m senior partner.’
Be super-nice to my boss.
It was weird standing with Roger – both of us gazing across the grass. John must’ve said something funny because Monika was tipping her face up with laughter. I could see the long length of her throat. I looked for Mum and saw her over by the buffet table, scraping plates.
‘I better go,’ I said. ‘If I help my mum, she’ll be free to dance with John.’
Roger turned to smile at me. ‘I’ve got a better idea.’
I noticed for the first time the pale moustache on his lip. I also noticed that his eyes seemed out of focus as he looked at me.
He held out his arms. ‘You’re going to dance with me.’
‘I can’t. Honestly, I’m not very good at it.’
‘Nonsense.’ He came closer and wrapped his arms around me and even though he was old and pissed, I felt a tiny bit proud. John had told me to be super-nice to his boss and here I was about to dance with him.
He made little sounds as we began to move to the music – a sort of breathy humming mixed with the slosh of faraway liquid. I imagined bubbles from the champagne fizzing inside him.
‘This all right for you?’ he said.
‘Sure.’
He nodded. ‘Excellent.’
I wanted John to see, but he was still chatting to Monika. I wanted Ben to see too – wanted him to know that I attracted older men who knew about the world. But the only person looking was Mum and I didn’t want her making another scene if she noticed I was still wearing the necklace, so I gave her a cheery wave as Roger whisked me off.
His hand gripped my waist more firmly as we whirled into a darker part of the garden. Before, he’d kept a distance, but now he pressed himself closer. I tried to steer us back towards the lights, but I wasn’t in charge of steering.
‘I like a girl with curves,’ he said, and I caught a whiff of seafood on his breath. ‘Too many girls are like sticks these days.’
I was in a crowd, with my family, in my own garden. Around me, people were chatting and laughing. I was stupid to mind Roger’s hot fingers gripping my waist.
Roger said, ‘Well, this is a treat I wasn’t anticipating.’
Where was Mum now? Still over by the buffet table, clattering plates onto trays. Where was John? Still talking to Monika. He had his hand on the small of her back as if he was about to lead her away up the stairs.
Roger held me more tightly. His fingers had sunk below my waist and were almost on my bum.
I stalled on the grass. ‘I really should go and help my mum.’
Roger pulled me closer and the hand that was almost on my bum slid further down and my heart went speedy and my breath went raggedy and I could see myself outside, like I was watching TV and going, ‘Lex, this man is touching your arse!’
His creepy hand was on me and his stinky breath was mixing with mine and my blood was pounding in my ears. And the furious thing came roaring. Stamp on his foot, Lex. Elbow him in the face. Knee him in the nuts. Yank him over to the tree and stab a twig in his eye.
And suddenly I had gallons of oxygen and decibels of voice and tons of energy and they grew inside me like I’d explode if I didn’t use them.
I pulled my arms free and shoved him hard. ‘Get the hell off me.’
He staggered slightly backwards. ‘What on earth’s wrong with you?’
‘You touched me.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’
‘You just groped me.’
‘What sort of accusation is that to throw at someone?’
‘Look, I don’t want to dance, so just fuck off, will you?’
The garden went quiet. People looked over. And maybe Roger felt bad groping a fifteen-year-old in public because he slapped a hand to his chest as if he’d been suddenly shot.
From across the lawn, a bloke yelled, ‘You all right, boss?’
Roger hunched into himself and took several rapid breaths. ‘No,’ he said. ‘No, I don’t think I am.’
I knew they’d blame me. I thought, Well, I’m going to have to brazen it out. I gave Monika a death stare as she came trotting over with John. Stupid shoe woman. Idiot intern.
She said, ‘What happened?’
‘Nothing to do with me.’
She put a hand on my arm. ‘What was the shouting about?’
I shrugged her off.
We both looked at Roger, bent double, gasping like a fish. I had a brief vision of John grabbing him round the neck and shaking, shaking him. I wanted him to yell, What did you do to my girl to make her swear at you like that? But of course, he didn’t. Instead, he put a steadying arm round Roger. ‘Something’s brought on an asthma attack.’
‘Probably all the booze,’ I said.
He turned to glare at me. ‘I suggest you keep quiet.’
Monika fetched a chair and Roger sank into it. John patted down Roger’s jacket and discovered an inhaler. Someone brought over a glass of water and soon there was a small crowd. A woman removed her shawl and laid it tenderly over Roger’s shoulders. And he sat there with his eyes shut, innocently wheezing.
Mum scurried over. ‘What’s going on?’
‘He’s faking,’ I said.
‘He’s severely asthmatic,’ John said, his voice like ice.
The gaze of the entire group was on me. This is how it feels to be hunted down by a mob, I thought.
‘Do you want to all stop gawping?’ I said. ‘I didn’t bloody do anything.’
John said, ‘Language, Alexandra.’
Mum looked at Roger rasping in his chair. ‘So, what’s all this about?’
‘He’s a creep,’ I said, ‘and I’m being blamed.’
Roger took a huge puff on his inhaler for dramatic effect and people fussed around him again. Was he cold? Did he want a blanket? Should they call a doctor? Roger shook his head and whispered he was fine, and please could everyone stop worrying? John gave him a manly slap on the shoulder before turning to the crowd and smiling. ‘I should’ve warned my soon-to-be stepdaughter about some of you charming older men. I should’ve advised her you’re less robust than you look.’ There was polite laughter. ‘I think in her youthful enthusiasm, she’s over-exerted you, Roger?’
Roger waved his inhaler in agreement and I felt something claw at my gut.
‘And perhaps,’ John said, turning to me, ‘she’s been a little too eager at the bar?’
I stared at him. ‘That’s total crap. I haven’t been anywhere near the bar.’
‘Never mind. No harm done. Time for bed, do you think, Alexandra?’
‘You can’t send me to bed! I’m not a kid.’
John sighed. ‘I think the jury might be out on that.’
‘Better go,’ Mum said. ‘We’ll talk about this tomorrow.’
Iris appeared and slipped her hand into mine, but John took her other hand and pulled her away. ‘Alexandra, I mean it. Off you go.’
‘Fuck you,’ I mouthed. Then a bit louder. ‘Fuck you!’
I could hear how it sounded. I knew what they’d all think. I watched everyone shake their heads in disbelief.
‘I’m sorry, guys,’ John told them. ‘It’s been a long day.’
I told him to fuck himself one more time before I stomped across the lawn to the stairs.
5
‘It happened again,’ I whispered to Kass when I phoned him from the safety of my bed.
‘It’s what we all love about you,’ Kass said. ‘All that drama …’
‘I’ve probably ruined your dad’s career. Everyone was staring.’
‘Sod them. Who cares what they think?’
Kass had laughed when I’d told him about Roger. But that was because I’d made myself out to be a badass who’d shoved a drunken bloke halfway across the garden. I couldn’t keep that version of the story up any more. It was late, and I was tired.
‘Your dad’s never going to like me,’ I whispered.
‘Of course he likes you.’
‘We’re supposed to get along better now they’re engaged, and I’m not supposed to get angry any more.’
‘You’re wicked and wild, Lex. You can’t help who you are.’
‘I’ve got worse since you left. If you don’t come back, I’ll probably kill someone.’
‘I can’t come back. It’s the middle of term.’
‘Just for a weekend? Think about it at least.’
I looked down at my legs in their pyjamas and breathed. I could hear Kass breathing too. I pulled the zip on his jacket more firmly up towards my throat, so I could smell the leather. I always imagined the smell would run out, but it never did. ‘I’m wearing your jacket,’ I said.
‘Cool.’
I imagined him lying on his bed in his student room. He’d be on his back with the phone nestled against his ear. If I closed my eyes, I could imagine myself there, our heads sharing a pillow.
‘What am I going to do without you?’ I’d said when Kass announced he’d got into university.
He’d shrugged off his jacket. ‘You’re going to wear this.’
‘But it’s yours.’
‘Anarchist gift. Everything I have is yours, Lex.’
‘Everything?’
‘Sure. Why not?’
There had been a silence so deep I could hear it.
Now, I pulled the jacket tighter and the leather creaked against my skin. The zip pressed onto my belly and I knew there’d be a mark, a red stipple from my belly button down.
‘Does bad stuff happen when I’m around, Kass?’
‘Who told you that?’
‘Your dad. Years ago.’
‘Why did he say that? What bad stuff?’
I stayed silent, because I didn’t want to remind him how my granddad died.
Kass said, ‘Are you talking about Iris and her accident?’
‘And my dad leaving.’
‘You weren’t even born when that happened.’
‘He knew I’d be a disaster.’
‘Don’t be daft, Lex. Do you know how defeatist you sound right now? I guarantee if your dad had bothered to meet you, he’d think his daughter was awesome.’
That was a nice thing to say. I sat with it for a second. ‘I wish your dad thought that. Then I could be part of the whole golden family thing.’
‘Golden family?’
