Nickels E-Book

Christine Stark

• Herausgeber: Modern History Press
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Serie: Reflections of America
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2011

Seitenzahl: 628

Beschreibung

"...a perfect genius that makes the impossible in expression, possible; the unknowable in experience, knowable"
--Anya Achtenberg, author of The Stories of Devil-Girl
Nickels follows a biracial girl named "Little Miss So and So", from age 4-1/2 into adulthood. Told in a series of prose poems, Nickels' lyrical and inventive language conveys the dissociative states born of a world formed by persistent and brutal incest and homophobia. The dissociative states enable the child's survival and, ultimately, the adult's healing. The story is both heartbreaking and triumphant. Nickels is the groundbreaking debut of Minneapolis-area author and artist Christine Stark.
"Christine Stark has crafted a language and a diction commensurate with the shredding of consciousness that is a consequence of childhood sexual abuse. She brings us a wholly original voice in a riveting novel of desperation and love. Every sentence vibrates with a terrible beauty. Every sentence brings the news."
--Patricia Weaver Francisco, author of Telling: A Memoir of Rape and Recovery
"To be taken into the mind of a child can be an enchanting adventure, but to be taken into the mind of a child who is abused, confused, and taken for granted is a lingering, livid journey. I applaud her fortitude to bring an olden--too long ignored-- truth out of the darkness with blazing, innovative light."
--MariJo Moore, author of The Diamond Doorknob
"In Nickels, Christine Stark, powerfully portrays the story of abuse and its impact on our lives. When this beautifully written and compelling story leaves, you are left wanting more. It's riveting; a book that will capture you from the beginning and carry you through the end. Everyone should read this book."
--Olga Trujillo, author of The Sum of My Parts
FIC044000 Fiction : Contemporary Women
FIC018000 Fiction : Lesbian
SOC010000 Social Science : Feminism & Feminist Theory

Leseprobe

with an Introduction by Anya Achtenberg

Reflections of America Series

M o d e r n  H i s t o r y  P r e s s

Nickels: a tale of dissociation

Copyright (c) 2011 by Christine Stark. All Rights Reserved.

From the Reflections of America Series

Cover artwork “River of Life” by Jane Evershed. Used with permission.

Cover layout by D.E. West, Book Image Designs

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Stark, Christine, 1968-

Nickels : a tale of dissociation / by Christine Stark.

p. cm. -- (Reflections of America series)

ISBN 978-1-61599-050-4 (pbk. : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-61599-085-6 (hardcover : alk. paper)

1. Multiple personality--Patients--Fiction. I. Title.

PS3619.T3734N53 2011

813’.6--dc22

2011012559

Published by

Modern History Press

5145 Pontiac Trail

Ann Arbor, MI 48105

Tollfree USA/CAN: 888-761-6268

www.ModernHistoryPress.com

[email protected]

Distributed by Ingram Book Group (USA/CAN), Bertram’s Books (UK), Hachette Livre (FR).

Visit the author at www.ChristineStark.com

Modern History Press is an imprint of Loving Healing Press

For Millie and Virginia, my grandmothers, who loved despite it all

PRAISE FOR CHRISTINE STARK

“…These brilliantly written pieces stimulated the board into a lively discussion of language, point of view, and politics, and resulted in a resounding ‘yes’ from everyone on the importance of using these two pieces together, as point-counterpoint on the themes of violence against women and the nuanced and challenging process of surviving that violence.”

—Minnie Bruce Pratt

Creative Writing Editor for the Feminist Studies Editorial Board

“The judging panel believes Christine Stark’s work is both art and metaphor. She creates story and mood using a stream of consciousness style. The writing is rhythmic, and lyrical with conscious and authoritative use of various techniques such as repetition. In Christine’s story, the perpetrator behaves as if his act, an assault, is one of mundane evil. This story alludes to the reality of society’s marginalized—vulnerable to everyday evils—mundane for some, not so for others. The panel applauds Christine’s writing talents, her willingness to take a risk by composing a raw, provocative piece designed to invite us to consider the nature of mundane evil from several unexpected points of view.”

—Sandra Lloyd, The Pearls Writing Group

“Take a dark journey with Christine Stark, deep into the dungeon that is incest. Follow crazy girl as she fights for her dignity and sense of self-worth. Then cheer when she finally finds the strength to say: ‘I know my name now and you do not frighten me.’”

—Julian Sher, author of Somebody’s Daughter: The Hidden Story ofAmerica’s Prostituted Children and the Battle to Save Them

“In Nickels, Christine Stark powerfully portrays the story of abuse and its impact on our lives. This beautifully written and compelling story leaves you wanting more. It’s riveting; a book that will capture you from the beginning and carry you through the end. Everyone should read this book.”

—Olga Trujillo, author of The Sum of My Parts

“To be taken into the mind of a child can be an enchanting adventure, but to be taken into the mind of a child who is abused, confused, and taken for granted is a lingering, livid journey. Stark’s poised yet cerebral writing style stays with you long after you have delved into the first chapter and regrettably finished the last. She has vividly exposed a world that unfortunately exists for many. I applaud her fortitude to bring an olden—too long ignored—truth out of the darkness with blazing, innovative light.”

— MariJo Moore, author of The Diamond Doorknob

“Christine Stark has crafted a language and a diction commensurate with the shredding of consciousness that is a consequence of childhood sexual abuse. She brings us a wholly original voice in a riveting novel of desperation and love. Nickels is narrated by Miss So And So, as her mother names her, from the ages of 4 to 26, a character so compelling I never wanted to stop hearing from her. She names herself crazy girl, but the reader sees a different truth: there’s humor and cunning and ferocious love alive in those who survive. Stark enables the reader to inhabit the intricacy and chaos of this potent inner landscape, and we have not seen this before. Every sentence vibrates with a terrible beauty. Every sentence brings the news.”

—Patricia Weaver Francisco, author of

Telling: A Memoir of Rape and Recovery

“I’m just saying the truth. Like oatmeal.”

—Tim O’Brien

“We do not know our own souls, let alone the souls of others.”

—Virginia Woolf

“Dissociation splits affect and cognition, observer and experiencer, mind and body, self and self into parts, leading to fantastic permeatations and schisms in ownership/disownership, knowing/not knowing, responsibility/irresponsibility…”

—Harvey Schwarz

Contents

AcknowledgmentsIntroduction by Anya AchtenbergAge 4 (Prologue)Age Five (1973)SchoolThe trialChina Doll GirlThe holeThe movePenniesP girl (Patty)Age Ten (1978)The PurseThe MoleMuhammadAge Fifteen (1983)Oh MickeyWhat’s your nameAge Twenty (1988)Stadium lightsUgly BirdGrass fireConnie BakerAge Twenty five (1993)CatherineCricketAmandaHow manyAge 25 1/2 - Epilogue I,Age 26 - Epilogue IIAbout the Author

Acknowledgments

First and foremost I want to thank Anya Achtenberg for her support, brilliance and encouragement. I’d also like to thank Victor Volkman and the rest at Modern History Press for taking on Nickels, and for Victor’s supreme patience in dealing with my editing process. I would be remiss if I did not thank the McKnight Awards through Five Wings Arts Council for a grant to help me complete Nickels.

Others I’d like to thank for their support and friendship include Melinda Masi, Alison Bergblom Johnson, Trish Campbell, Cyndi Carlson, Sherri Dougherty, Johanna Morrigan, Fred Amram, Sherry Quan Lee, Eileen Hudon, Deb Blake, Skip and Babette Sandman, Karissa Stotts, Rene Simon, Donna Wegscheid, the women at Rain and Thunder, Fred Ho, and the Minnesota State University at Mankato English Department. I’d like to honor the support I received from Andrea Dworkin, who told me when I was twenty-two that I was a terrific writer and gave me hope my life could be something different. And lastly, a heartfelt thanks to April Posner for the love, laughter, and home we share.

Excerpts of Nickels first appeared in:

Dust & Fire, Rain and Thunder, Trivia: Voices of Feminism, WHLR, Feminist Studies, Kaleidoscope, The Sylvan Echo, Blue Earth Review, The Hiss Quarterly, Said It, On the Outskirts: Poems on Disability, Red Weather Literary Magazine, Primavera, Ramblings, Poetry Motel, ache, Pearls

Awards for excerpts of Nickels:

Recipient of McKnight Award through Five Wings Arts Council to finish Nickels, June, 2008Second Prize for 2007 Soul-Making Literary Contest for Novel Excerpt, National League of American Pen Women, Nob Hill, 2007Winner of Jonis Agee Award in Fiction, Dust & Fire, 2007, 2004, and 2003First Prize for 2006 Soul-Making Literary Contest for Flash Fiction, National League of American Pen Women, Nob Hill, 2006Pearls Short Fiction Contest, First place, Summer 2006Inglis House Poetry Contest, Second place, Summer 2006Placed third (prose poem) Soul-Making Literary Competition, National League of American Pen Women, Nob Hill, 2003

Introduction

This is not just a great book; it is something of a miracle.

So, why an introduction? Shouldn’t a great book speak for itself? Yes, and it does. But it speaks a language somewhat different from mainstream English.

So then is this “different” language an aesthetic choice? In part, I think, yes, but the real choice precedes the crafting of the work. The author, who is indeed very well trained in mainstream English, has chosen to write Nickels in its true language, in the language that her early and continuing severe trauma from extreme sexual and physical violence has created. This is a language that cracks open the world to allow people to see the truth. This is a language that takes as its task a highly pressurized work upon itself, the work of cracking open language that seals in the world at times, making it impermeable to truth. Stark’s language is in a sense less mediated, yet fully developed in its art.

Does this sound mysterious, to read something in a new language?

Don’t worry. The book itself, the reading itself, will teach you. And it begins with a language all of us who were children first spoke; it gives voice to a child’s voice and a child’s world, so we are beckoned in with recognition and tenderness.

The other somewhat disturbing fact, but in a sense a relief to admit, is that many of us, so many of us for so many reasons, speak the language of trauma and dissociation. We are, in a cruel sense, native speakers; in a necessary and loving sense, a community.

We know from depictions of trauma in literature, and we understand from experience, that some situations stretch time, kick us out of our bodies. Ambrose Bierce, in “An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge,” gave us Confederate gentleman and saboteur Peyton Farquhar, who in the moment between falling through the bridge, and the Union noose breaking his neck, lived, with superhuman strength and magical sensory abilities, a lifetime of escape and return to his beloved, to die then in her arms; but in “normal” reality, he died alone under the bridge, hanged.

We know from car accidents the stretching of time, the adrenalin that slows it all down so we react or we watch, through each degree of the 360 as the car rolls over and our lives turn around us.

But the language of trauma here in Nickels is not the language of a moment, a single event we relive and tell about, perhaps a bit compulsively, until it loses its powerful flare up of terror. This is the language of continuing and repeated trauma, and it cracks open the world to reveal something we must know, the grit that makes the pearl, the truth of the world that challenges hypocrisy. I am one of those who believe that what we do not face, kills us. What we do not admit of the ugliness of the world, takes us down, and deforms that beauty that most assuredly dances around the earth. But like Farquhar, as he is being hung, the narrator of this story indeed watches, using her “waiting eyes” to “store it in [her] brain”, and I suggest that it is this ability, these eyes, which have led to the gifted vision we see the character develop later in the book as a visual artist.

There are other books, and there will be many more, that treat the subject of the terrible violences against children which make the backdrop of our daily lives; which say that no matter how lovely it may look on one street, we have work to do.

But this book?

This is the motherboard; this, the hidden circuitry we dress up to attempt to tell a story and be understood. There are other books, fine books, which are indicators; they point to the hidden circuitry. They point to this book.

This is enough reason to read this beautiful and brutal work. But there is more.

This book reopens the world of childhood. Beauty is here. Unbearable innocence. Hope is here. Maneuvering around ogres. The sheer terror of childhood, here.

In this land between breakfast and nightmare, with its “imaginary” companions, and a cast of characters only the child could name—oatmeal lady, suit man, spider leg lady, mad dad—stories unfold of how Little Miss So And So maneuvers through and survives, how crazy girl encounters her first friend, and how she finds ways to see beauty, experience it, and create it. These are stories I would not miss.

Need more reasons to read this book? Stark brings us back to the transformative blossoming of first love, the love of our narrator for another young girl. She also writes of the girl athlete crazy girl, in a magical way I have never before seen. “I am pure speed,” Stark’s narrator says as she makes a moment-by-moment opening into the basketball game, into this saving power within this girl, who does, “float like a butterfly; sting like a bee.” It is perhaps that slowing and stretching of time, that floating away from the body in that limitless time that stretches before the neck of the moment is broken, that brings this young woman also to have an artist’s eye and gift, which Stark describes hypnotically as the character is compelled into making art.

And Stark accomplishes something in Nickels which presents a great and often opaque challenge to writers struggling with using a narrative voice that must show development over many years in stories beginning with childhood.

This exile from straight[forward] time is somehow an expert in it, not only showing a different kind of time or showing time in a new way, but also quite capably showing the shifts in “actual” time, informing the reader of these shifts through subtleties in the development of the narrative voice. She crafts or discovers the very distinct voices of her narrator over time, over the span of the narrator’s telling; at the same time there is a necessary blurring as one moment comes back to be present in another, both crucial tasks for this narrator.

It is perhaps Stark’s defeat of straight time, along with the powerful bringing forward of symbols, which eventually brings this story from the dramatic realm into the mythical, as well. Her arrival at the merging of the character’s experience into the mythical realm, into her understanding of the beginning of the world with its ancient taboos and the horrific consequences of their violation, is stunning. The section including the story, “The Girl Who Dragged Her Entrails Through Life Behind Her on The Ground,” is prominent among the many sections of this book which must turn up anthologized.

Crazy girl lives tethered to the extreme pole of injustice, being made the last, the one who most knows the edge of the world, whose knowledge is central, and most repressed. Her knowledge remains something that society works most energetically to make invisible, to keep hidden behind the opaque social wall.

So, we need this book. It brings forth in the reader such a powerful wave of love and tenderness, such a deep desire to care for the children, the daughters, unable to be argued with. This is a great work to do in the world.

Stark says, “the body remembers the emotions recall what the mind cannot hold the mind is a sieve the mind is an imperfect entity alone however in cooperation with the body and the emotions operating with a perfect genius.” I have come to think that Stark operates in this book with a perfect genius that makes the impossible in expression, possible; the unknowable in experience, knowable.

So, prepare yourself, although, really, you cannot, for a tidal wave of brilliance, an arrival at a language both intimate and mythical for what we call the “unspeakable”, and for irreplaceable gifts that make their way forward, convincing me that anything I want to save, can be saved; anything I want to make as beauty with its inextricable link to truth, can be created.

Anya Achtenberg

Minneapolis, 2011

Age 4 (Prologue)

Trip trap

trip trap went the bridge Who’s that roared the troll who lived under the bridge his eyes as big as saucers and nose as long as a poker It’s me said baby billy goat gruff Well I’m going to gobble you up as a midmorning snack Oh no wait for the next billy goat gruff he’s much bigger

trip trap trip trap went the bridge Who’s that roared the troll licking his lips It’s me said the second billy goat gruff who hadn’t such a small voice I’m going to gobble you up for lunch roared the troll Oh no the second billy goat gruff said wait for the biggest billy goat gruff of us all!

trip trap trip trap went the bridge Who’s that roared the troll It is I the biggest billy goat gruff Well then I am going to gobble you up the troll said Well come along I’ve got two spears and I’ll poke your eyeballs out at your ears I’ve got besides two curling stones and I’ll crush you to bits body and bones and so he did and so he did

snip snap snout this tale’s told out

If you sit still and be quiet when your dad gets home I’ll read you one more story mom says I say nothing stare at mom’s hand a shiny ring on the green three billy goat gruff book Okay she says I nod nod nod Okay she says I nod nod nod touch the book it is shiny

Once upon a time there were five Chinese brothers and they all looked exactly alike the first Chinese brother could swallow the sea the second Chinese brother had an iron neck the third Chinese brother could stretch and stretch his legs the fourth Chinese brother could not be burned the fifth Chinese brother could hold his breath indefinitely

Swallow the sea! my eyes big as saucers swallow the sea!

See how slanty their eyes are mom points at the drawing slanty sneaky little eyes

The first Chinese brother fished everyday and whatever the weather he would come back to the village with a rare fish one day a little boy stopped him and asked to go fishing he begged and begged until the first Chinese brother consented but only if the boy obeyed him promptly Yes yes the little boy promised the next morning they went fishing the first Chinese brother swallowed the sea

He swallowed the sea! I think inside my head but say nothing mom’s shiny ring

All the fish were left high and dry at the bottom of the sea the little boy was delighted he ran here and there stuffing his pockets with strange pebbles Strange pebbles! I think extraordinary shells Shells! I think and fantastic algae Algae! I think but don’t know what it is The first Chinese brother gathered some fish while he kept holding the sea in his mouth presently he grew tired it is very hard to hold the sea he told the little boy to come back but he paid no attention the first Chinese brother felt the sea swelling inside him the first Chinese brother held the sea until he thought he was going to burst all of a sudden the sea forced its way out of his mouth went back to its bed and the little boy disappeared

The little boy disappeared! I think the little boy disappeared! Why! I say He drowned mom says

Clomp clomp tromp tromp Oh! Your father is home mom says closes the book the tips of her fingers still inside be quiet be still clomp clomp tromp tromp He killed that boyhe is a bad man I say a bad man! Shh mom says her hand on my mouth clomp clomp tromp tromp dad walks up the stairs

Age Five (1973)

School

nurse touches my back got crooked like a old lady is how I look the school nurse asks if I’m okay with her finger it crawls up my spine like a spider is how it feels

bend over so I do hands together so I do the school lady checks my back every Friday before lunch when the other kids do art shirt off the spider crawls up my back follows my spine until it reaches my head knock knock

my back’s getting worse because my head’s too heavy from thinking the school lady says Why is your back getting worse you’re too young I don’t tell her about my heavy head from the thinking

school nurse says: are you okay

I say: yes

now I look just like a old lady crooked and bent I get a cane and hobble to school with it not really but I could from being so crooked other kids make art a spider crawls up my back my back is a s stands for snake ssssnake like the big one in my bed crawls up lives where my spine used to be

school nurse calls me in special on a Monday to talk with a school man the school man and the school nurse say take your shirt off so I do hands together so I do the school nurse says See one two three she counts up my back with her spider leg fingers until she gets to a spot then her spider leg crawls over my rib under my arm

Where did you get this the school nurse says with her spider leg finger on the new spot I shrug my shoulders to tell her I don’t know but my hands are pressed together it’s hard to move Do you have any more the school man says I stand up straight like a arrow pull my pants down

the school nurse and the school man say Oh so I pull my pants up they call in my mom and another school lady and a policeman who takes pictures of my crooked back with my pants down my mom says she doesn’t know anything maybe it was the babysitter they ask me I shrug my shoulders bent over like a old lady from thinking too much

Knock knock

Who’s there

The head board

Whose head board

the policeman and the new school lady take me into custody until matters are resolved I don’t know what matters are and when I ask the school nurse what does matters are resolved mean she says Oh you are just like a little parrot I don’t ask no more questions I wonder if the school nurse is going to walk up my crooked back anymore with her spider leg fingers

I sleep in a new house with some people I don’t know I eat oatmeal in the morning the policeman and the new school lady bring me in for questioning ask about the crooked back the s snake the spots on my butt I shrug my shoulders that’s all shrug shoulders bend over one two three they find the spots on my back and my butt

I get released for a lack of evidence back to my house I go I eat at my house and sleep at my house and go to school every morning the school nurse walks up my back the other kids do art Christmas comes and goes and I forget about how I ate oatmeal at some other house I did not know the name of

What does lack of evidence mean I say to mom she grabs my arm and says Stop repeating grown up words no one likes a smarty pants five year old who acts like a parrot

one day the school nurse crawls up my back with her spider legs while the other kids make Valentine hearts knock knock she taps on my head Do you get headaches No is what I say but her spider legs keep crawling to the top What’s this the school nurse feels a spot on the top of my head bumped up like a little rock she pulls apart my hair with her busy fingers finds a spot like the ones under my pants Good lord did someone hit you is what she says I shrug two more school ladies come in one says We can’t keep ignoring this

a meeting is scheduled between me mom and the school ladies but not dad the school nurse has to check me everyday for spots which is what she said to mom one more spot and I go into custody again I worry about more spots showing up where the school nurse can find them my head gets so heavy from all the thinking one more custody means I go to oatmeal’s again lack of evidence means I’m bad all the thinking my head’s so heavy might break my back

Crack the back the headboard spat

me mom the school ladies talk in a official meeting about well being the school nurse with the spider fingers says we have concerns about the bruises on the back head rear how is this so mom says I don’t know shrugs her shoulders she’s always been a clumsy girl the school ladies look at each other one says Missus So And So your daughter’s back is degenerating alarming rate when we leave the ladies say We got nowhere with them mom takes me for ice cream

an alarming degenerating rate is what my sssnake spine does no one knows it’s from my heavy head thinking so many thoughts mom says nothing pretends like we never had a official meeting one two three the school nurse walks up my back looking for spots

school nurse says: are you okay

I say: shrug my shoulders

the next night snake crawls in bed with me to go up my back lay down so I do be quiet so I do hands over your stomach so I do the snake goes inside me up my back I lay with my hands together in a coffin dead the snake breathes hard one two three until my head cracks on the headboard the snake pushes my head into the headboard my board head cracked

Knock knock

Who’s there

The head board

What head board

I get up go to school the school nurse checks me for spots takes me into custody for breaking the rules no more mom and dad I eat oatmeal with the people I don’t know the school ladies run tests it’s proven the headboard cracked my back

I still don’t sleep at night I am a pile of rocks from the river waiting on my bed broken the snake will be back to crawl through the cracks

The trial

is set for the middle of November after Halloween so mom can’t dress me in a mask no candy this year the oatmeal lady says stay inside play games eat fresh caramel apples baked in the oven all drippy

nothing is what I say I liked mom to dress me in a mask send me outside to get sweet tarts in the dark No more of that young lady it’s dangerous to be outside needles n poison n sugar rots your teeth nuh huh is what I think but I don’t say anything to the oatmeal lady the sugar makes the bad taste go out of my mouth and I save the masks keep them under my bed tucked in tight with the dust so snake man can’t see my face if he can’t see my face he can’t kill me mom’s mask helps me live I don’t explain that or nothing else to oatmeal lady

the trial is set the date is in stone I can’t move it the kids in school think I’m creepy to be on trial the school lady crawls up my back she is sick the day we make Halloween masks I make my own red n black bat mask I tie it on with string wear it everywhere no one can see me

we all get deposed me the school lady the school man and oatmeal the suit man says I have to say yes or no can’t shrug shoulders he says Do you understand looking me in the face I say yes behind my red n black bat mask

suit man says: yes what

I say: yes your honor

the trial approaches wind blowing my hair I see a child psychologist who points her fingers at me Do you love your mother Yes Do you love your father look at shoes Little Miss So And So show me on the doll where the touching occurred point one two three slide creepy crawly fingers to the spot stick it in the child psychologist blinks behind her big glasses says she will be at the trial to help cope I look at her blank n case she tries to creepy crawly her way in through the eye holes

The child is non responsive she says the next visit behind a closed door non responsive is what she says because she can’t get in behind my red n black bat mask my head gets heavier than a boulder thinking about the trial is all I do

one day the trial comes creepy crawly spider up my back bone to visit me Hello trial I say to it n eat my oatmeal n get ready to go to the courthouse with oatmeal lady oatmeal colored hair lady dresses me up in new clothes a dancy girl with ribbons I pull out

oatmeal lady says: leave in hair

I say: rip them out throw them down

Oh oatmeal lady says I step on the ribbons under my shoe no more pretty ribbons for the honor to judge I decide not to like oatmeal lady set my mask on so tight my nose can’t barely breathe through the holes makes a whish whish breathing sound

Whish whish

Who did it

The head board did it

judge So And So presiding bam bam bam get down on your knees to pray all rise all sit I’m in the front row keep my skirt tucked tight so judge honorable won’t see down it

judge says: young lady what is your name

I say: my name is Little Miss So And So

Repeat that for the court I sit stare is what I do to make people think retard the judge says Contempt n suit man runs over says So And So say your full name so I do My name is Little Miss So And So mom says nothing sitting in her chair in the audience

the lady who points her fingers is next to her like they are friends I am a bad girl so I won’t talk no more be quiet like dad says I shake my head yes no the judge permisses it suit man is happy pulls me off the stand takes me out for ice cream then back to oatmeal get sleep don’t be tired for second day testing

get up eat oatmeal go to court with oatmeal lady second day questions sit on the stand look at mom shrug shoulders can’t shrug your shoulders have to nod yes no or say it yes no yes no the head board the suit man from dad’s side asks questions I sit stare retard adjourn court back at three

the suit man buys Burger King onion rings hamburger Pepsi tells me to talk on the stand it’s okay nod yes no yes no suit man drinks his pop says You have to talk I nod

suit man me oatmeal lady drive back to court sit in room until it’s time to take the stand mom is in the audience with her friend the child psychologist the suit men ask questions I nod yes no yes no squeeze the black pebble I found on oatmeal’s step keeps me from floating away mom cross her legs the creepy crawly school lady is in the audience next to the school man everyone listens to how bad I am

bad girl bad girl bam bam bam the honorable judge adjourns to tomorrow morning nine a m sharp

suit man says: tomorrow is important. I’m going to ask if your dad hurt you remember what to do

I say: nod yes

suit man says: you can tell the truth your dad can’t hurt you anymore

I say: nothing

nine a m comes to me in the night sharp as teeth smacked is what I get if my teeth touch dad’s snake nine a m sharp as teeth in the night hit upside the head dad says if you tell I’ll kill your mother I nod yes no yes no shrug shoulders squeeze pebble look at mom in the audience keep her alive

oatmeal lady pulls me out of bed feeds me oatmeal to be strong with oatmeal makes a muscle on her arm

she says: strong

I say: swallow

she says: what did your dad do you can tell me the truth

I say: stare at oatmeal cold lumpy bumpy tan oatmeal

she says: you have to tell the truth

I say: stare at oatmeal the color of carpet

ride car to court sit on top swing lasso Be strong oatmeal says smiles I’m a cowgirl swinging my rope not going to court I’m a cowgirl not going to court! not going to court! I catch people with my rope!

The day

has finally arrived suit man child psychologist spider leg lady say: The day! shiny and bright I ride through the streets on the car chasing people with my rope suit man child psychologist spider leg lady sit in a room with me waiting for the honorable judge and his sharp nine a m

suit man says: this is it

child psychologist says: grab onto my hand

I say: pull it away

spider leg lady says: we’re going to do it Little Miss So And So

suit man says: I have a good feeling judge honorable will be on our side

spider leg lady says: then you can come back to our school

child psychologist says: and play with the other children

suit man says: fifteen minutes

child psychologist says: important you tell the truth Little Miss So And So

spider leg lady says: you are safe now

I pull my mask back tighter until the strings bleed skin n my eye lids flatten out like a China girl’s I creepy crawly off the chair under table on the floor out door

suit man says: where are you going Little Miss So And So

I say: into a hole

suit man child psychologist spider leg lady say: come back here! we have a lot invested in you!

invested I creepy crawly back wait for a m sharp to arrive in a black robe down to its knees It’s time! it’s time! suit man excites around the room we sit down in court honorable judge all rise all sit all pray child pointy finger psychologist whispers to suit man suit man turns slams fist down runs to the honorable judge’s table points and jumps in the air one two three times

bam bam bam sit down judge says suit man sits mad dad is at the table next to me suit man stands up sits down yells my client cannot testify intimidation judge honorable bam bam One more outburst and this court will be contempt says honorable judge honorable

my knees scrunch together suit man meets with pointy finger lady talks to honorable judge his sleeves crossed over his chest bam bam bam I sit on the stand stare at my shoes fancy dancy shoes squeeze the pebble in my pocket Little Miss So And So dad sits at the table hands together Little Miss So And So! I say nothing shrug shoulders suit man says show the court on the doll gives me a doll I drop it look at dad out of the tops of my eyes he looks mad mom sits in the audience saying nothing I sit on the stand saying nothing Show me on the doll where you were hurt who hurt you no answer just stare at shoes watch mad dad through my mask eye holes Who Hurt You stare Who Hurt You Little Miss So And So I stare and stare digging a hole a deep a far away Little Miss So And So! I stare Please Tell The Court Who Hurt You The head board is what I say the head board did it judge honor bams session over case dismissed the girl must be crazy

*  *  *

The ceiling

has goose bumps rock a bye baby rock a bye baby the ceiling has more goose bumps on it than the skin of a chicken without feathers stretched on the counter stretched like a mouth when fingers pull it open stretched on the counter skin peeled off the meat n bones mom doesn’t like the fat of the skin the bumpy bumpy skin

crazy girl! crazy girl! the headboard sung crazy girl the judge judged crazy girl the suit man shook his head the child psychologist looked out of her big glasses the oatmeal lady left crazy girl in court the spider leg lady won’t go up her back no more creepy crawly crazy girl all alone

crazy girl rides home in a car that’s me crazy girl rock a bye baby rock a bye baby That’s what you get mom says your dad’s mad he went out to cool down Whoo! whoo! steam whistle shooting through my brain cool down dad’s mad I don’t get no ice cream mom says Your dad said to have you in bed before he gets home

the snake’s back I don’t get no supper no food no fried chicken meat or mashed potatoes or long skinny green beans for crazy girl straight to bed mom pulls down the shades it’s still light out not time for bed mom leaves the door cracked

crack the back the headboard spat I don’t get no supper not the skin stretched out on the counter bumpy n pink or the meat in the pan sizzling hot or the bone poking out white n round no supper for crazy girl everyone knows she’s crazy

I sleep under the blanket listening for mad dad to come home slam the garage door like he always does like he always yells at mom Is supper ready Big Fat Stupid Miss So And So is it what I want made the way I want Big Fat Stupid Miss So And So I shut my eyes tight listen until my ears grow big as the room the biggest ears in the world listening for mad dad to come home slam bam the garage door yell at mom sneak his snake up the stairs to my room where I sleep waiting in my bed like a princess gone dead

my ears hear a creaking stair my ears are good the best ears in the world all alone crazy girl has the best ears in the world! creak creak creak someone is sneaking up the stairs I slit my eyes like a sneaky China Doll Girl slipping out her eyelids the door opens it’s mom Bad girl she says from the door with her face pointed like a knife to take the bumpy skin off the chicken meat white bone bird in the pan bad bad girl mom says her hand gripping on the door knuckles white as the bone in the pan don’t ever let anyone find out again

stupid crazy girl let someone find out! stupid crazy girl is going to burn in hell mom said so don’t do it again stupid crazy girl or mom will kill you in your sleep with her bumpy knife to peel the bumpy bumpy skin like the the bumpy bumpy ceiling

the birds chirp outside it’s still light out but crazy girl is in bed for being bad Chirp Chirp Peep Peep they sing and play and jump around while I wait I wait and wait and wait n my ears get heavy from waiting n so they need a rest n so they rest on the floor the biggest ears in all the world sit down on the floor in my room crazy crazy girl locked in her room

mad dad is home! mad dad is home! my ears tell me mad dad is home slam bam slam the biggest ears in all the world hear it all Where Is She Is She In Her Bed What’s This Why’s The Skin Off You’re So Fat You Should Skip The Whole Damn Meal bam bam bam my ears hear mad dad go downstairs to his bathroom Click goes the handle Flusssssshhhh goes the water Snap Snap Snap goes his pants Stomp Stomp Stomp go mad dad’s feet up the stairs my ears disappear they heard enough mad dad kicks open the door swooosh crack the door slams into the wall

I sleep sleep sleep n sleep more n mad dad’s not here I can’t hear a thing my body’s dead gone buried sleep sleep sleep n more sleep n more sleep mad dad climbs into bed he gets on top of crazy girl the one without a body dead n gone I Told You Not To Tell Anyone mad dad puts his hands on my neck chicken neck buck buck bah buck I Told You Never To Tell Anyone Our Little Secret the snake swishes over me crazy girl dead body eyes closed sleeping sleeping sleeping Open Your Eyes my eyes don’t open they can’t I’m sleeping not here can’t hear Open Your Eyes fingers choke snake swishes Open Open Open can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe

whish whish whish can’t breathe can’t breathe Open! Open! Open! can’t breathe can’t breathe the air sticks in my throat can’t breathe can’t breathe choke choke choke I open my eyes There That’s Better Good Little Miss So And So mad dad lets go of my chicken neck

I can breathe! I can breathe!

mad dad snake swings over my legs settles on my knee a squishy snake on a pile of rocks my body is rocks dead rocks on a bed a head rock a neck rock a knee rock a foot rock a toe rock a arm rock head arm neck leg knee touch your toes bend over one two three creepy crawly spiders slithering snakes tongue licking mouth

Pah! Pah! Spit the head rock at the headboard crazy girl’s mouth got two tongues in it

Keep Your Eyes Open mad dad grabs my chicken neck again Keep Your Eyes Open I Want You To See Everything From Here On Out No More Pretending You’re Asleep You Little Bitch Ever Tell Anyone Again I’ll Kill You And Your Mother

Crazy girl! crazy girl! keep your eyes open!

mad dad sits up his snake poking out his pants unziiiiip! Kiss Em round things in my eyes nose face mad dad fingers stretch out my mouth streeetch round things in my mouth Kiss Em Kiss Em Kiss Em cant see cant breathe whish whish whish round things in my mouth

mad dad makes noises noises noises mother downstairs creaking around frying chicken meat hot sizzling smell round things in my mouth dog hairs on my lips noises noises noises chicken with no skin sizzling chicken no skin bumpy skin on the counter spread out flat fry it up crispy for dad’s supper noises noises noises Good Girl petting my hair Good Girl This Is Our Secret Don’t Ever Tell Anyone Again

Never tell again! Never tell again! The headboard sung sang sung

snake on my neck mouth eye nose face chicken face chest face stomach face down there face the gooey jelly face going to die me going to die me

Don’t talk baby talk! mom no like you talk baby talk!

ceiling. way up high above me all the ceiling bumpy n white I see it through the China girl slits in my bat mask bat mask bat mask come to save the day! bat mask! bat mask! mad dad’s snake slithers through the rocks the down there face slither slither show me on the doll poke it in stretch it out with mad dad’s fingers vaselined streeeetch the down there face is stretched open like a mouth slither slither for the snake slither. the ceiling!

there it is the ceiling bumpy white ceiling bumpy white ceiling bumpier than chicken skin frying in a pan the white knuckles spit spat grease on the floor the white knuckles clean it up before mad dad mad dad thump thump thump crazy girl’s head hits the board

Knock knock

Who’s there

The head board

Whose head board

Crazy girl’s head board that’s who

the ceiling is white n bumpy n I stare at it white bumpy ceiling sky over my head the rock head of the rock body lying on the bed with mad dad’s snake slithering through it mad dad eats the chicken skin bumpy n fried flat when he’s through with crazy girl n white knuckles creaks upstairs to clean up the grease spit in my face crazy girl’s face the face down there

rock a bye baby rock a bye baby the ceiling has more goose bumps on it than the skin of a chicken without feathers stretched on the counter stretched like a mouth skin peeled off the meat n bones rock a bye baby

China Doll Girl

lives on the shelf in the corner one two three down the third white shelf from the top sing song ching chong me talk in China Doll Girl talk baby girl talk Stop talking like that! mom says locked in my room mad dad and mom eat downstairs fried chicken meat potato sweets stop talking like that! China Doll Girl baby girl baby China girl talk

me hungry want to eat food fried potato chicken stripped meat gobble gobble crazy girl China Doll Girl didn’t eat since oatmeal’s house choppy oatmeal in a bowl no sugar n rotten teeth oatmeal lady says sugar makes the teeth in your head fall out one two three plunk in the bowl it’s not the sugar that makes the teeth fall out crazy oatmeal lady filling up the bowl

China Doll Girl got sent in the mail zoom from my aunt in another state who I haven’t seen in a hundred years a hundred years since I seen my aunt! she sent China Doll Girl to me once upon a time from a land called China far far away my aunt sent it in the mail from a far away land with a book about five Chinese brothers zoom

China Doll Girl has red shiny pants n a green n white checker coat n little fingers holding a little basket n a straw hat on her head like a lampshade pulled out of oatmeal n rinsed off n stuck on her head China Doll Girl has squinty eyes like mother says squinty China girl eyes are so life like mom says those squinty squinty eyes

A hat! stuck on her head!

China Doll Girl has a pointy straw hat

n her head never gets cracked

spacked spat on because of that hat spat

You hungry crazy girl China Doll Girl yells across the room from on top of her shelf China Doll Girl jumps off the shelf onto my bed n whispers in my ear me China Doll Girl me talk in your head now I sneak downstairs spy on parents for you oh kay? I nod to the China Doll Girl sitting on my pillow Okay I say to the China Doll Girl who whispers in my ear Parents very bad don’t listen to very bad parents! very bad parents! n she runs down the stairs to spy on very bad parents but not before I take a jelly bean out of my old Easter basket hid under my bed a red jelly bean n I put it in her basket perfect fit! it’s a perfect fit! China Doll Girl runs off in her coat n hat carrying a red jelly bean to spy on very bad parents very bad! sitting on the couch watching TV

China Doll Girl sneaks down the stairs the creaky creaky stairs behind the couch quiet as a mouse she sneaks in her sneaky China Doll Girl way squinty squinty eyes China Doll Girl sneaks behind those very bad parents watching TV she looks over their shoulders n sees the TV n puts her basket down n sneaky China Doll Girl reaches out her sneaky little fingers to choke the very bad parents sitting on the couch

after sneaky China Doll Girl chokes those parents n they can’t breathe she picks up her basket n runs to the kitchen n gets a ham hock from the refrigerator n puts it in her basket n brings it upstairs for crazy girl poor crazy girl stuck in her room with no food but a ham hock sneaky China Doll Girl stole for her

No food but a ham hock! No food but a ham hock!

China Doll Girl me say to China Doll Girl did you see any mustard n China Doll Girl says No n I say Okay n I eat the ham hock until it’s down to the bone n I chew on the bone gnaw gnaw gnaw n China Doll Girl climbs back to the shelf n stands there like a doll except I know better China Doll Girl sneaky sneaky China Doll Girl who stole a ham hock for me (crazy girl)

Crazy girl! crazy girl!

sing song China Doll Girl talk in her head

crazy girl put the bone meat chewed off

white ham hock bone under her bed

crazy crazy girl collecting bones under her bed

The hole

under the bed gets deeper n deeper I (crazy girl) digs a hole for the bones the chewed off white ham hock bone n my dog’s bones dead last year n mother’s bones she leaves around the house dying in the kitchen of fat skin white knuckle bones on the door yelling at me

I dig n dig n dig some more I going to dig to China become a China girl I dig and dig some more n then I (crazy girl) take a break from digging n I glue the white bones along the sides of the hole like the gold fuzzy crown wallpaper mom glued to the hall I make some pictures out of bone n dirt n glue to make up for the art I didn’t do when spider leg lady ran up my back the art teacher would like the bones lined up on the walls like the drawings the other kids do that get put in the glass cases outside the principal’s office

mad dad says: you are nothing

I say: I make my own bone art in a hole under my bed

I pull off my arm bone n put it in the hole for safekeeping keep me alive then I dig some more with my one arm n a pointy sharp shovel mad dad bought at Fleet Farm n left in the garage standing crooked in the corner

Yoo hoo crazy girl China Doll Girl yells n then she jumps on the bed n then she jumps into the hole n then she sits on my shoulder China Doll Girl says Crazy girl dig hole to China with sharp shovel n she swings her legs n she whispers in my ear crazy girl dig hole to China with sharp shovel I keep digging n then China Doll Girl says I want to go to homeland so I say No I don’t want to dig to China n she says Why not n I say I need a hole to bury the bones in the ground where mad dad can’t break them China Doll Girl says Ha n then she thinks about it n then she says okay crazy girl you dig a hole for your bones n so I dig a hole under my bed in the dark where no one can see

I (crazy girl) digs I digs for a long time until plink! my pointy sharp shovel won’t dig any more I sit down in the hole n look up n see China Doll Girl’s pointy oatmeal hat sticking over the hole n her squinty eyes looking at me she says Hi you crazy girl China Doll Girl go to sleep now n she stands up n bumps her head on the board on the bottom of my bed Ow she says and crawls away

Plink! one armed crazy girl dug to the bottom and hit a rock plunk! her friend China Doll Girl hit her head on the bed plink plunk skink skunk crazy girl makes art under her bed

plink plunk pink punk crazy girl (me) hits a rock n sits down tired n sweaty n brushes the dirt off the rock bottom n finds a handle to a door carved in the rock crazy girl sets the shovel down pointy side first n pulls on the door handle round n slippery like the front door to mad dad’s house I (crazy girl) yank on the door yank yank until it creaks open like a door on Halloween I swing it all the way open n set it in the dirt n clean my hands off on my pants I kneel down n see people singing round a table Hey hey ho ho drink up it’s time to go n then a man stands up n says Lads we have a visitor

all the people look at me n it’s hotter than when the winter heat blows out the vent n then the man comes up to my door n he has a pointy beard n a tail long as a monkey’s Hello he says n toasts me with his cup I say Hello then he holds his cup up for me to drink I shake my head no n he says ssssshhhh like a snake the devil man’s face is right up against mine

devil man smiles n I see his horns pointy and sharp as the shovel from Fleet Farm n I see his teeth pointy and sharp as mad dad’s n he grows a snout like my dead dog’s n he laughs ha ha ha ha like a cartoon so I slam the creaky Halloween door on his head crunch n I hear him say ouch n damn her n so I pile the dirt on top of the door n I close the door slam it with the handle round n slippery the same handle on the front door to my house what’s mad dad devil man doing in my dreams

I

(crazy girl) hear water run in a sink I blink at the bumpy chicken skin ceiling n I blink at my arms both there n I blink at China doll on my shelf her squinty eyes staring empty at the wall the water turns off the shadow from mom’s feet moving under the door mom’s hands in the hall closet sound like a rabbit thumping in a cage the closet door squeals shut I (crazy girl) let my rock body lie in the crusty sheets until I bury everything in my mind the hole beneath my bed. buried

then I (crazy girl) get up

I get out of bed pull my Holly Hobby bedspread over the crusty sheets n pile my stuffed animals over the pillow cover it all up make mom forget to do laundry one two three a floppy red dog a bear in a hat a pink pig with a blue ribbon stuck to its side a creepy crawly spider marches up my back knock knock it says

I stop n listen mom’s in the kitchen n I listen some more but I only hear air with bacon sizzling in it mad dad is hiding from me (crazy girl) quiet as a mouse I need to know where he is so I can be somewhere else the bacon grizzles n I walk quiet across the carpet n pull up my shade n there’s mad dad walking across the yard moving his lips the way he does talking to himself I spy on him from my window he walks to the tree n looks up it he walks to the sprinkler n picks up the hose n drags it across the yard a big snake the biggest snake in the world swishing in the grass he drops the sprinkler in the rocks under my window mad dad walks to the garbage cans n drags them up the driveway the metal scraping teeth grinding together loud noise wakes up half the neighborhood Not everyone wants to get up at seven on a Saturday is what mom says

Little Miss So And So time for breakfast mom yells from downstairs n I run to change my underwear crusty from badness change my clothes so mad dad can’t see nothing more about me

Run Little Miss So And So crazy girl China Doll Girl run to the dresser put on jeans and a shirt and new underwear Run Little Miss So And So to the closet stuff your old underwear into the toe of a shoe so mom won’t find them forget it bury it stash it hide it run little girl run outsmart your mad dad

mad dad sits at the table eating bacon hot and drippy from the pan I (crazy girl) sit across from him my head down eat toast n a poached egg n grapes in sour cream a special treat people in Paris eat mom says she got the recipe in a magazine at work a section on special treats mom eats her grapes mad dad says nothing neither do I where is Paris

I like the food n I forget last night being scared n dying n I swing my legs under the table n I like the Paris sour cream grapes n I look up at the clock on the wall n I lift my toast up in the air above my head n then I crunch down on it crunch! I take a big bite n I chew n I swallow n I take another big bite n whack a board hits my face the table tips orange juice sprays on me crazy girl Little Miss So And So China Doll Girl all rolled up in one a eggroll floured n fried n served with orange sauce like mom made once out of one of her magazines whack we all fall down

Learn some table manners mad dad says takes his board hand away through the door n I lay on the floor in a puddle of orange juice n mom says You don’t have to be so harsh n she throws a fork at the door where he left n we hold our breath but mad dad doesn’t come back Go get cleaned up mom says and lifts me to my feet n a mower starts up in the garage vroom vroom mad dad is mowing the garage my face stings bees

Mad dad

spits at the grass bends over scratches his knee drives his mower into a tree I (crazy girl) watch him from my crazy bedroom window

*  *  *

Jack and Jill

went up the hill to fetch a pail of water mom reads to me snaps her fingers to the words something is wrong with my mom something is wrong with my mom! help! something is wrong with my mom! but no one comes and mom says Jack fell down hit his crown and Jill came tumbling after do you hear the rhthym she says you can tap it out on your leg and she does Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down hit his crown and Jill came tumbling after mom laughs laughs laughs hits her leg with her hand laughs laughs laughs her shiny ring someone help my mom doesn’t even know I’m here she stares at the white white pages red blue and green pictures of Jack and Jill falling down down down Mom why does he have a crown I say was he a king Jack and Jill she whispers to herself Mom was he a king I say Shhh she puts her hand over my mouth no more questions Jill came tumbling after and she stares at the drawing of the girl and boy falling down a brown hill with sprouts of grass Jack and Jill she says taps on her leg stares across the room at the blank wall her shiny ring

Stay

where I can see you mom says she’s reading her book her back against the picnic table the swing sets full of kids screaming I go away from them find a dirt trail wide as my tennis shoes follow it one shoe in front of the other one two three four crunch crunch crunch over the sticks n stones break my bones there’s a river! a river! I stop listen with my ears my big big ears until I can’t hear the kids or the cars or the grown ups talking until all I hear is the water over the rocks until all I hear is Someday everything will be all right someday everything will be all right

The move

to East Rose Avenue one block off Payne happens in one week mom packs packs packs like a rat n I help her fold the dishes wrapped in newspaper into the boxes there are grease stains bananas n oranges n rings of crisco on the bottoms n sides of the cardboard boxes me n mom hauled home from Supervalu Our plates are going to smell like bananas mom says n tapes a box shut with duck tape stuck tape why call it duck tape Our towels are going to smell like oranges mom says n sniffs a towel n smashes it into a box we play records Simon n Garfunkel n the Mommas and Poppas n Christy Minstrels sing about a box black that gets let open n all the bad things in the world get out

All the bad things in all the world!

all the bad things in all the world let out!

but I don’t care about the bad things today mom’s in a good mood mad dad’s gone n we’re moving out of the neighborhood with the nosy people nosing around our family business like mad dad says nosy people nosing around to see how bad I am we’re moving to a new place where no one will know I lived at oatmeal’s n no one will know the judge judged me crazy girl n maybe mad dad won’t come in my room no more

mom bought me strawberry powder for my milk at Supervalu she is happy thinking maybe she won’t have to wash my sheets at the new house the way she has to wash them the mornings after mad dad maybe mad dad won’t come in my room at night no more in the new house is what she is thinking I just know it

mad dad doesn’t come home for lunch cheese sandwiches n mustard n cherry kool aid n he doesn’t come home for a snack tapioca pudding made right out of the box by me n mom listening to music n whistling n stirring bumpy bumpy milk