Rugby Has F***ing Laws, Not Rules E-Book

Paul Williams

• Herausgeber: Polaris
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2021

Seitenzahl: 154

Beschreibung

The laws of rugby are as extensive as they are confusing, their nuances and interpretations argued over relentlessly by rugby fans around the world and virtually impenetrable to those who are new to the game. In an effort to provide some much-needed clarity, Paul Williams takes an irreverent, hilarious, p*ss-taking tour through the labyrinth that is rugby's rule book – or, for the pedantic, rugby's law book. Hilarious, off-beat and (surprisingly) insightful, this is the perfect gift for rugby fans all around the world.

Leseprobe

RUGBYHASFINGLAWSNOTRULES

RUGBYHASFINGLAWSNOTRULES

A GUIDED TOUR THROUGHRUGBY’S BIZARRE LAW BOOK

PAUL WILLIAMS

This edition first published in 2021 by

POLARIS PUBLISHING LTD

c/o Aberdein Considine

2nd Floor, Elder House

Multrees Walk

Edinburgh

EH1 3DX

Distributed by

Birlinn Limited

www.polarispublishing.com

Text copyright © Paul Williams, 2021

ISBN: 9781913538668

eBook ISBN: 9781913538675

The right of Paul Williams to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form, or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the express written permission of the publisher.

The views expressed in this book do not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or policies of Polaris Publishing Ltd (Company No. SC401508) (Polaris), nor those of any persons, organisations or commercial partners connected with the same (Connected Persons). Any opinions, advice, statements, services, offers, or other information or content expressed by third parties are not those of Polaris or any Connected Persons but those of the third parties. For the avoidance of doubt, neither Polaris nor any Connected Persons assume any responsibility or duty of care whether contractual, delictual or on any other basis towards any person in respect of any such matter and accept no liability for any loss or damage caused by any such matter in this book.

Every effort has been made to trace copyright holders and obtain their permission for the use of copyright material. The publisher apologises for any errors or omissions and would be grateful if notified of any corrections that should be incorporated in future reprints or editions of this book.

British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

A catalogue record for this book is available on request from the British Library.

Designed and typeset by Polaris Publishing, Edinburgh

Printed in Great Britain by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon, CR0 4YY

Thanks to my wife, parents, brother and two beautiful children, Chloe and Rosie.

They put up with a lot of rugby.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Paul Williams is a columnist for the United Rugby Championship website and Rugby World magazine.

A once tackle-shy second row, he has a deep love of attacking flair, questionable clothing and low-calorie lager. He lives in Cardiff.

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

GLOSSARY

THE GROUND

THE BALL

THE TEAMS

UNCONTESTED SCRUMS

REPLACEMENTS

PLAYERS’ CLOTHING

TIME

MATCH OFFICIALS

METHODS AND POINTS VALUE OF SCORING

FOUL PLAY

ONSIDE AND OFFSIDE

KNOCK-ON

KICK-OFFS AND RESTARTS

GOING TO GROUND

TACKLING

THE RUCK

THE MAUL

THE MARK

TOUCHLINES

THE LINEOUT

THE SCRUM

PENALTIES AND FREE KICKS

GROUNDING THE BALL

SEVENS

TENS

INTRODUCTION

Much like a drug-addicted model from the 1990s, rugby is beautiful but complicated. So complicated, that before you even begin to understand the reams of rules, some absolute penis will usually tell you that they’re not even called rules. Yes, rugby has laws, not rules – something that the smuggest of rugby aficionados will usually mention within 1.4 seconds of discussing how the game is refereed. But this finickity need to differentiate the fact that rugby has laws, not rules, isn’t merely used as an academic point. More often it’s used as a verbal landmine to place in front of unsuspecting supporters, newcomers to the game and, in particular, football fans (the pleasure of verbally maiming football fans is a source of much pleasure to some rugby fans).

This oral disembowelment isn’t just reserved for football fans, of course. Even diehard, lifelong rugby fans occasionally call them rules, not laws, and there’s no exemption for them either. No sooner has the faux pas been made than rugby’s gallows are erected and you’re left swinging as the angry crowds jeer. However, learning what rugby’s legislative procedures are called is the easy bit – there are only two options after all. But once you’ve got that bit right, it’s into the laws themselves. Laws that have so many interpretations and combinations that it was rumoured to be the subject of the late Stephen Hawking’s final book.

P.S. This is a very light-hearted look at rugby and is by no means a slight on the laws, the people who play by them or referee them. Especially those who referee them. Rugby is the hardest sport in the world to officiate and the author would rather eat a cold shit pie than even attempt to referee a senior game of rugby, such is the difficulty. Hats off to all referees who keep this great game on the straight and narrow.

‘The key to understanding rugby’s laws is knowing that you never truly will.’

Plato

GLOSSARY

22: The gap between the goal line and the 22-metre line. Or if you’re in your mid-40s, the 25-yard line, which many still get confused, even though it changed about 95 years ago. These are the same people who eat Opal Fruits and Marathons.

A

Actual time: Time elapsed – the time on the clock, which depending on fitness levels can feel like 80 minutes or two decades. The starting of that period of time is usually announced with a whistle. The end of that period of time is also delineated with a whistle, plus sometimes the sound of relief, crying and/or vomiting.

Advantage: A tactical or territorial benefit arising after an infringement – a period that refuses to fit in with the space-time continuum and is entirely dependent on how a referee feels that day. Could be a few seconds. Could be enough for a new species to evolve on the pitch right in front of the supporters’ eyes.

Attacking team: The team with the ball – whether they choose to genuinely attack or put up another fucking box-kick is a different matter altogether.

B

Ball-carrier: A player in possession of the ball – the whole point of rugby, unless you’re a modern Test coach and believe that the sky should have higher possession stats than your players.

Beyond or behind or in front of a position: Must be with both feet except where that isn’t possible – doesn’t apply to scrum-halves apparently, who do what they like, when they like.

Binding: Grasping another player’s body firmly between the shoulders and the hips with the whole arm in contact – think of Dirty Dancing, with more aggression but worse footwork.

Blood injury: Uncontrolled active bleeding – a wonderful term that conjures images of 18th century Parisian fountains gushing with an endless supply of rugby players’ blood.

C

Captain: The player nominated by a team to lead that team and consult the referee. At professional level, it can also be the one who is best at the media duties. At amateur level, it’s the player who cares enough to chase up players midweek, knowing there’s a cold snap coming and some players won’t fancy travelling three hours on a bus only to lose the match, and possibly some of their fingers to frostbite. Also, the player who collects valuables before kick-off, often in a sock or woolly hat.

Cavalry charge: An illegal type of attack – usually happens near the goal line when the attacking team is awarded a penalty or free kick. At a signal from the kicker, a line of attacking players charges forward from a distance. When they get near, the kicker taps the ball and passes to a player – one of the most beautiful and dangerous things you’ll ever see. Imagine Sofía Vergara with her hands dipped in melted resin and broken glass. Fantastic to admire from a distance, but if you get too close, you’ll get messed up.

D

Dead: The ball is dead when the referee blows the whistle to stop play or following an unsuccessful conversion – an unusually morbid term for a very innocent act. It’s like calling the lineout a death corridor.

Dead-ball line: The line at either end (and not part) of the playing area. Death seems to be a recurring feature in rugby terminology – no one really knows why.

Directly caught: A ball caught without first touching anyone else/the ground – weirdly complicated. Just means someone caught the ball.

Drop-kick: After being intentionally dropped to the ground from the hand or hands, the ball is kicked as it rises from its first bounce – one of the most underrated skills in the world, not just rugby. A kick that relies on the bounce of a ball that simply won’t do what it’s told. Rugby balls are compulsive liars and should be treated as such.

F

Field of play: The area between the goal lines and the touchlines. Those lines are not part of the field of play – again overly complicated. It means the rugby pitch on which you’re playing. It’s like telling you that you’re reading right now. Which you are.

Flying wedge: An illegal type of attack, which usually happens near the goal line when the attacking team is awarded a penalty or free kick. The kicker taps the ball and starts the attack, either by driving towards the goal line or by passing to a team-mate, who drives forward. Immediately, team-mates bind on each side of the ball-carrier in a wedge formation before engaging the opposition. Often one or more of these team-mates is in front of the ball-carrier – much like the death penalty and national service, it’s something that many would love to see brought back, but law makers simply won’t agree to ratify the level of gratuitous violence that the public loves so much.

Forward: Towards the opposition’s dead-ball line – or asking another player if they would like to have sex with you there and then.

Foul play: Anything a player does within the playing enclosure that’s contrary to Law 9 governing – fucking up and getting caught.

Free kick: Awarded against a team for an infringement or to a team for a mark – a sort of diet penalty.

G

Goal: The ball is place-kicked or drop-kicked over the opponents’ crossbar from the field of play – the total opposite of a goal in football.

Goal line: The line at either end (and not part) of the field of play – the thing that looks like a massive line of cocaine and delivers a similar buzz when you touch it.

(the) Ground: The total area shown in the ground diagram in Law 1 – the floor and stuff to do with the floor. It’s a floor-related subject.

H

Half-time: The interval between the two halves of the game. The bit where you can sit down and stop crying – whether a supporter or player. Used to be a time for players to digest half an orange. Now they digest PowerPoint slides and swear words from their defence coach.

Hand-off: A permitted action, taken by a ball-carrier to fend off an opponent, using the palm of the hand – it’s like punching someone in the face, but without having to go to court and explain yourself.

Hindmost: Nearest a team’s own goal line – a bizarre word from medieval times that no one uses any more.

Holding the ball: Being in possession of the ball in the hand or hands or in the arm or arms – if you need this explained to, you’re doing very well to be reading and breathing at the same time.

I

In-goal: The area between the goal line and dead-ball line, and between the touch-in-goal lines. It includes the goal line but not the dead-ball line or the touch-in-goal lines – the bit where you score tries or where cocky players get caught with the ball doing stupid things – usually flankers who wanted to be backs, or the substitute outside-half trying to impress. If you’re the defending team, nothing good ever comes from being behind your own goal line.

Infield: Within the playing area, away from the touchlines – the bits inside the lines. Also, a very good name for a rugby boy band. ‘Welcome to the stage, Infield!’ Out runs the scrum-half, the outside-half, the outside-centre – and possibly a prop for equality reasons.

J

Jersey: A shirt worn on the upper half of the body and which isn’t attached to shorts or underwear – this rule basically explains that a jersey isn’t a onesie.

K

Kick: An act made by intentionally hitting the ball with any part of the leg or foot, except the heel, from the toe to the knee but not including the knee. A kick must move the ball a visible distance out of the hand or along the ground – ‘to kick’ as in to kick-the-bucket, something that has ironically happened to passing and running, thanks to kicking.

Kick-off: The method of starting each half of a match and at the beginning of each period of extra time with a drop-kick. The start of 80 minutes of pure joy or misery.

Kicked directly into touch: The ball is kicked into touch without first landing on the playing area or touching a player or the referee – more difficult than it looks or sounds.

Kicking tee: Any device approved by the match organiser to support the ball when taking a place-kick – small, plastic, doesn’t fly through the air as well as you would think it would. Replaced sand and mud in the 1990s – only on the rugby field, of course. Otherwise, beaches and face-packs would be very different and unpleasant scenarios.

Knock-on: When a player loses possession of the ball and it goes forward, or when a player hits the ball forward with the hand or arm, or when the ball hits the hand or arm and goes forward and the ball touches the ground or another player before the original player can catch it. It’s always the fault of the player catching, never the player passing. The opposite situation occurs at lineouts, where the hooker, who essentially passes the ball, must take the blame regardless.

L

Line of touch: At amateur level, the line of touch separates those people who have a pint in their hand and those who don’t. Also separates those who play the game and those who have opinions on the game.

Line through the mark or place: Unless stated otherwise, a line parallel to the touchline – mystical lines that don’t mean much to anyone except referees. Very similar to the Nazca lines in South America.

Lineout: A lineout is a set piece consisting of a line of at least two players from each team waiting to receive a throw from touch – it’s where centres, who have converted to hooker, finally get shown up for the con artists that they are.

Lineout players: The players in either line of a lineout – very similar in appearance to the line-up at an eat-as-much-as-you-like buffet. Very, very similar. In many ways.

M

Mark: A method of suspending play and winning a free kick by directly catching an opponent’s kick in the catcher’s own 22 or in-goal and shouting ‘mark’ – one of the key reasons why people named Mark have historically avoided watching live rugby. And those that do take Valium.

Mark of touch: An imaginary line in the field of play at right angles to the touchline through the place where the ball is thrown in. The mark of touch can’t be within five metres of a goal line – the straight line along which hookers are supposed to throw the ball. Any wind over 15mph renders this impossible and you may as well be throwing feathers down a wind tunnel.

Match officials: Those who control the game, usually consisting of a referee and two assistant referees or touch judges but may also include a television match official and, in sevens, two in-goal judges. The folks with the flags and whistles who do a ridiculously complicated job that simply can’t be completed unless you have compound eyes, like a fly. Also double up as emotional sponges to suck up the hatred that has built up from people during the week.

Match organiser: Administrative body responsible for the match, which may be World Rugby, a union, a group of unions or any organisation approved by a union or World Rugby – the people in power. Power level varies from three people drinking tea while sitting around a table in a shed, to 20 people sitting around a table made from the bones of snow tigers, while drinking chilled swans’ blood.

Maul: A phase of play consisting of a ball-carrier and at least one player from each team, bound together and on their feet – the anaconda of rugby. Slow, but effective at killing stuff.

N

Near: Within one metre – bet you didn’t know near meant this in rugby, did you?

O

Obstruction: When a player attempting to play is illegally impeded and prevented from doing so – often done by a player who believes they have temporarily become invisible to the human eye.

Off feet: Players are off their feet when any other part of the body is supported by the ground or players on the ground – unless you’re an openside from the opposing team, where you’re reclassified as a millipede that can’t ever be off its feet unless it’s on its back.

Offside: A positional offence meaning a player can take no part in the game without being liable to sanction – an area of the world where Australians believe New Zealanders live.

On feet: Players are on their feet if no other part of their body is supported by the ground or players on the ground – doesn’t apply to some opensides, whose feet count as hands and vice versa. In rugby terms, opensides are often considered quadrupedal, like a dog or cat. They will also sometimes urinate on things to signify ownership.

Open play: The period after a kick-off, restart kick, free kick, penalty or set piece and before the next phase, or the period between phases of play, excluding when the ball is dead. The good bit.

P

Participating players at a lineout: These consist of lineout players, one receiver from each team (if present), the player who throws in and an immediate opponent. Often tall, wide or both. On occasion you’ll find a back standing in there, but they look like a Tory MP at an LGBT march – clearly out of place.

Pass: A player throws or hands the ball to another player. Can be a beautiful spiral pass that pushes physics to its limits or it can be a deliberate end-on pass – ugly but practical in its application. Passing is what separates good centres from great centres.

Penalty: Awarded against a team for a serious infringement. If your mother or father ever gave you a clip round the ear, it’s rugby’s equivalent of that.

Penalty try: Awarded when, in the opinion of the