Bigger Than Me E-Book

Ward Brehm

• Herausgeber: BroadStreet Publishing Group, LLC
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2017

Seitenzahl: 390

Beschreibung

Have you wondered, Is this all there is?   Somehow we've bought into the lie that the good life is a showy one. But the greatest adventures come when we stop living for self and what the world says is important—and start living for things that really matter. Nothing is duller, in the long run, than one more bag of money, one more business conquest, or one more round of earthly pleasure. The returns are depressingly diminishing.   Bigger Than Me is a collection of candid reflections from a successful businessman about money, ego, truth, busyness, solitude, legacy, dying, faith, gratitude, and much more. His early worldly accomplishments taught him first hand that there are deeper, more satisfying goals in life than those our culture celebrates.   If you've found yourself looking for deeper purpose and meaning, this book will inspire you to make a course correction that doesn't involve sweeping the past aside. Rather, you can use all of life's lessons to build something new and bigger than yourself.

Leseprobe

Reading this book, I was reminded that our most healthy posture in life is receiving mentorship from those who have traveled ahead of us, while mentoring those who come along behind. In Bigger Than Me, I find Ward Brehm there—a recipient of tremendous experience and knowledge (the book is rightly dedicated to his mentors) and also a generous conduit of wisdom and hard-won insight. This book is more mentorship than memoir, beautifully so, and has the candor of a friend showing the way.

—Sarah Groves, internationally known contemporary Christian singer, record producer, and author

The most important things in life are not what we acquire or achieve but the fingerprints we leave behind on other people’s lives. Ward Brehm leaves some great fingerprints in Bigger Than Me.

—Cris Carter, member of the NFL Hall of Fame and sports analyst for Fox Sports

Rather than just talking about a purpose-driven life, Ward Brehm has actually lived one. From his more than fifty trips to Sub-Saharan Africa working on creative solutions to extreme poverty to acting as an unofficial ambassador for Jesus in Washington, DC, Ward’s life is a rarity in today’s world: a life of faith based on relationships verses transactions. He can be trusted. In Bigger Than Me, Ward lays out much wisdom for every age.

—Gov. David Beasley, executive director of World Food Program and former governor of South Carolina

Ward Brehm has had a remarkable and inspiring journey. In Bigger Than Me, he graciously shares what he has learned along the way. Just as his faith and his work in Africa have transformed his life, reading his words can transform ours.

—US Senator Amy Klobuchar

Much like Ward before his transformative first trip to Africa, a trip he didn’t even want to take, I didn’t really want to read this book. I thought I already knew his story inside and out. However, after I began reading about his journey of faith, I was captivated, inspired, and motivated to continue reaffirming my faith on a daily basis.

—US Senator John Boozman

Ward opens his heart in this inspiring book and talks vulnerably about how he found his core significance by following Jesus. What great joy there is in realizing that life isn’t about how much we can accomplish or how busy we can be but about loving God and our neighbors with everything He’s given us. This book is a must read. You’ll be encouraged and challenged by it.

—US Senator Jim Inhofe

I never get tired of stories about God taking someone on a 180-degree turn toward His purposes. That’s Ward Brehm’s tale in Bigger Than Me. A reformed “jerk” who learned to stop living for self and success, Ward found deep significance in following Jesus to care for the “least of these.” There’s nothing boring about where that path led him. As a believer who has been on a similar journey, I can confirm that living out God’s will is the adventure of a lifetime!

—Rich Stearns, president of World Vision U.S. and author of The Hole in Our Gospel

“Seek and ye shall find.” Ward Brehm’s inspiring book, Bigger Than Me, tells us not to listen for God’s booming voice but to examine our life’s journey and find His hand. Ward never preaches, but his examples of joy from giving of self certainly qualify him as a spiritual guide. He is a seeker who has found a great deal from which we can learn.

—Marilyn Nelson-Carlson, chair of The Carlson Companies

When the “shoes” that Ward’s book sews fit you, wear them. You will be better for having done so, even the uncomfortable ones.

—Greg Page, former CEO and chairman of Cargill Inc.

Bigger Than Me is really a travel book. In moving terms, it documents one man’s faith journey—the twists and turns, the ups and downs, the unexpected adventures. With every step and with every adventure, Ward becomes a better man, and I found myself challenged to reflect on these most important lessons.

—Mark Green, administrator of USAID and former US congressman

If you are blessed, truly blessed, someone will show up and completely change your perspective on life. Ward Brehm was that someone for me. One night, during a trip to Rwanda, Ward looked at me and said something simple yet transformative: “We spend the first half of our lives seeking prosperity, and if we’re lucky, we spend the second half seeking purpose.” Reading Bigger Than Me, you can’t help but be inspired by the story of an everyman who broke loose from his comfortable surroundings and found his purpose in a continent far away.

—Jack Leslie, chairman and CEO of Weber Shandwick

Ward Brehm is the pastor to his pastor! If I put into one place all his words of comfort, wisdom, and challenge to me over the years, it would become this book, Bigger Than Me!

—Rev. Dr. John F. Ross, senior minister, Wayzata Community Church

Bigger Than Me is a fascinating personal story based on authentic real-world experience and candor. It offers wisdom and inspiration for those seeking to live a purposeful life in a complex and perplexing world.

—Ed Meese, US attorney general under President Ronald Reagan

Ward’s sharing of his faith journey in Bigger Than Me challenges us to quit following dime-store maps and instead reorient our lives so we can discover and fulfill our God-given purpose.

—Hon. Kathleen Blatz, former chief justice, Minnesota Supreme Court

Bigger Than Me is a refreshing book about faith that looks at the perplexing whys in life but doesn’t preach. It’s an easy read, yet I often stopped to ponder key answers. This book will help you remember and see purpose in the big and small, happy or tough events in your own life.

—US Senator Mike Enzi

Ward’s life is a remarkable example of personal growth and transformation, and through it he has touched many lives. Bigger Than Me is a wonderful story about finding God and walking with Him.

—Tony Hall, former US congressman and US ambassador to the United Nations agencies on hunger and three-time Nobel Peace Prize nominee

Bigger Than Me is the moving testimony of an American “big dog” who thought he had life all figured out—until, that is, he met some people in Africa who had nothing and had life figured out a lot better than he did.

—Joe Richie, founder of Chicago Research and Trading (CRT) and Fox River Partners

I saw myself in Ward’s story, as I think many people will—the death of a parent, a crisis of personal meaning and faith, a desire to serve, the struggles and triumphs of family, and ultimately one’s own life journey. But above all, Ward’s story is an unwavering, optimistic belief in the inherent good of people in the world and their need to connect with you as an equal—to see and be seen. Both big and small, human and global, intimate and universal, he tells a story that is in equal parts personal and profound.

—Paul Bennett, chief creative officer of IDEO

Planet Earth offers a whole lot, but none of it compares with a closer walk with Jesus. My friend Ward Brehm knows both. He also knows that the pursuit of faith can be blocked by our own baggage and worldly attractions. In Bigger Than Me, he knocks down the barriers a chapter at a time.

—Jay Bennett, chair of the National Christian Foundation and chair of the Halftime Institute

Bigger Than Me is a wonderful reflection on faith and its power to transform lives. I came to know both Ward and his wife, Kris, as they faced large medical adversities. This inspiring treatise on the virtues of faith, hope, and charity (love) is a joy to read.

—Greg Vercellotti, MD, professor of medicine at the University of Minnesota (and Ward’s hematologist)

If you hang out with Ward Brehm long enough, you know you are with a genuine, fun-loving knucklehead who loves Jesus. And if he was a jerk in his youth (his description), you know for sure he is certainly a redeemed one who loves God, his family, friends, and most certainly the poor. Bigger Than Me is an honest story of one person’s journey in discovering Jesus in a relevant way. I am inspired by Ward’s story but even more inspired by the man.

—Ralph Veerman, president of Veerman & Associates

With humility, humor, and a sense of service to others, Ward Brehm tells his story, which ranges from Minnesota and business success to walking among tribesmen in rural Africa and entering the deepest halls of power in Washington, DC. Along the way, he found his purpose and now delivers his message. Take the ride.

—Donovan Webster, explorer, freelance journalist, and author of The Burma Road

Ward’s book Bigger Than Me strongly exhorts us to lead with love and to earn the right to be heard. Ward has led a life of love, and he has certainly earned the right to be heard. So dive in to Bigger Than Me. You’ll not only enjoy it but also be challenged by it.

—Daniel Wordsworth, president and CEO of the American Refugee Committee

Bigger Than Me is a great read! Deep in content and compulsively readable. All the elements of a life lived in full are here, including being a self-described jerk, an authentic journey of faith to Jesus, deeply revealing self-reflection, great quotes that you’ll want to remember, and the centrality of surrender in reference to faith. Ward has a deftness of touch that leads to a most satisfying reading experience and ends so appropriately with thoughts on gratitude. I highly recommend this book.

—E. Peb Jackson, Jackson Consulting Group, Colorado Springs, Colorado

I never knew the old Ward Brehm, but I love the new one—the one who writes as he lives. He’s funny, compassionate, turbo-charged, self-giving, generous, and occasionally deep! I love his low tolerance for religion and facades but high tolerance for authentic wrestling with the big issues. This book is his written DNA, expressed winsomely and movingly through the various crazy encounters that came about as he ditched religion and started following Jesus—the One who promised life to the full.

—Simon Guillebaud, founder of Great Lakes Outreach, Burundi

Ward Brehm has transformed my thinking and work at Opportunity International by allowing me to share his journey to a more vibrant and meaningful life filled with purpose, adventure, and contentment. Bigger Than Me explains the message of stewardship and intentional living and is the guidebook for creating a richer, fuller life focused on things that really matter.

—Mark Thompson, chairman of Global Board of Directors, Opportunity International, and principal of Riverbridge Partners

Bigger Than Me is a transparent self-assessment of a man who is making a big difference in Africa. This is a book that will provide spiritual and practical guidance for those looking for the something that is missing on what ought to be fulfilling lives.

—Ambassador Linda Thomas Greenfield, former assistant secretary of state for Africa and ambassador to Liberia

Ward weaves a compelling story about his transformational journey, and there are many important lessons to be learned here. His experiences and lessons learned have great relevance for anyone interested in leading a well examined life. I strongly recommend reading this book, Bigger Than Me.

—Whitney MacMillan, chairman emeritus at Cargill

Bigger Than Me demonstrates many ways each of us can be enlightened and self-explore with God being at life’s center.

—US Congressman Erik Paulsen

My friend Ward Brehm took a long and circuitous route to find the position of “Jesus plus nothing.” He has nearly arrived. I have read and heard literally hundreds of testimonials, but Bigger Than Me is the most Spirit-filled one I have read.

—The Honorable Paul Magnuson, United States District Court judge

Ward Brehm is an extraordinary individual who brings keen business acumen and a big heart to his work on behalf of the world’s most vulnerable. Bigger Than Me is a must-read.

—Raj Shah, president of the Rockefeller Foundation and former administrator of USAID

BroadStreet Publishing® Group, LLC

Racine, Wisconsin, USA

BroadStreetPublishing.com

Bigger Than Me

Just when I thought I had all the answers, God changed the questions

Copyright © 2017 Ward Brehm

ISBN-13: 978-1-4245-5500-0 (hardcover)

ISBN-13: 978-1-4245-5501-7 (e-book)

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Unless noted otherwise, Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Scripture quotations marked MSG are from THE MESSAGE. Copyright © by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture quotations taken from the New American Standard Bible® (NASB), copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.Lockman.org.

Stock or custom editions of BroadStreet Publishing titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, ministry, fundraising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail [email protected].

Cover design by Chris Garborg | garborgdesign.com.

Interior design and typeset by Katherine Lloyd | theDESKonline.com.

Printed in China

17 18 19 20 21 5 4 3 2 1

This book is dedicated to:

Kris, my wife and the love of my life;

Andy, Mike, and Sarah Brehm,

their children to come … and theirs;

My mom, Myke Brehm;

My mentors:

Doug Coe (1929–2017)

Arthur Rouner (1929– )

Monty Sholund (1920–2007)

Wheelock Whitney (1926–2016);

And to those among the poor in Africa,

who taught me how to really live.

Other Books by Ward Brehm

Life Through a Different Lens

White Man Walking

(All author profits from Ward’s books are given to help the poor in Africa.)

Contents

Forewordby Rick Warren

Introduction

1My Father’s Gift

The Legacy of My Dad

2Metamorphosis

Can God Change a Jerk?

3Losing My Religion

And Finding a Person Named Jesus

4Prove It

Some Thoughts for Skeptics

5Alone but Not Alone

Mr. Busy Pants Becomes a Hermit

6Two-Minute Warning

The Mystery of Prayer

7Airplane Mode

Shedding Light on Going Dark

8Losing Self

Wherever I Go … There I Am

9What Is Truth?

And Does God Speak … Really?

10Coin of Another Realm

Defining True Riches

11The One Thing Money Can Do

A Different Paradigm on Wealth

12Who Are You Calling Greedy?

Me? You’ve Got to Be Kidding

13Alienation

The World’s Greatest Problem

14On This Rock

Thoughts on the Church and Hypocrisy

15Calling Each Other’s Cards

The Thing Everyone Needs but No One Wants

16Something about That Name

The Power of the Name Above All Names

17How Can I Love God?

Let Alone with All My Heart, Soul, Mind, and Strength

18Go and Do Likewise

Finding My Purpose and the Ride of My Life

19Far from Boring

Not Just Potluck Casseroles in Church Basements … and My Fifteen Minutes of Fame

20Two Presidents and a Few More Minutes of Fame

Humbled by Moments of Privilege

21Speak of the Devil

Coming to Grips with the Reality of Evil

22The Gospel According to a Knucklehead

Bad Things, Good People, Tough Questions

23Kris’ Story, Part 1: In the Eye of the Storm

You Don’t Know What You’ve Got till It’s Gone

24Kris’ Story, Part 2: Overtime

When Each New Day Is a Gift

25Nobody’s Getting Out of Here Alive

The Only Thing Certain about Life Is Death

26Growing Old

Reflecting as the Waterfall Grows Near

27Gratitude

Where Was the Thank-You Note?

Acknowledgments

Notes

About the Author

Foreword

I first met Ward Brehm in 2007, around a shared passion for helping the poor in Africa, and we instantly became friends.

In a world where more and more of what we do is based upon the urgent, Ward addresses the important. In Bigger Than Me, he tackles, with courage and unusual transparency, the significant topics of faith, money, aging, ego, mortality, success, and thankfulness.

Through highly personal and compelling stories, Ward relates how, at forty years of age, he realized that the American dream wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Having achieved career and material success, he found himself asking the age-old question, “Is this all there is?” His father’s untimely death raised even more questions and prompted him to begin searching for more meaning in life.

In The Purpose Driven Life, I laid out a path for people to find their own unique purpose. At middle age, Ward was fortunate enough to travel to Africa where God allowed him to discover the purpose for his life. Rather than dull images of slideshow missionary trips, Jesus opened up an exciting new world of huge challenges and deep meaning. Ward got involved in things far bigger than himself.

Ever since, he has worked tirelessly as an advocate for the poor. Along the way, he has met with countless diplomats and African heads of state. And, in addition to being appointed by both Presidents G. W. Bush and Barack Obama to the United States African Development Foundation, Ward has acted as an unofficial ambassador of Jesus in Africa, the halls of Congress, and all across this country.

At the National Prayer Breakfast in 2008, I heard Ward present the keynote address. His authenticity, unique humor, and sincere faith made a significant impact on me and the thousands who heard him speak that morning. Later that year, President George W. Bush awarded Ward the Presidential Citizens Medal in the Oval Office.

In Bigger Than Me, Ward is refreshingly candid in detailing the way he has struggled with the important things in life, shareing experiences and lessons relevant to all generations.

From a businessman’s perspective, Ward has a unique and often humorous take on the vast difference between the doctrine and dogma of religion and the freedom and adventure that comes when simply following Jesus. His thoughts on hypocrisy, prayer, the church, and why good things happen to bad people offer some compelling apologetic arguments to cynics, skeptics, and those at every level in their faith.

In today’s world of instant everything, Ward allows readers to hit the pause button and reflect (a lost art) on things of greater significance. With a focus on faith, this book provides a first-person perspective and non-judgmental take on serious issues that most people agree are important but seldom have the time or space upon which to ruminate.

Bigger Than Me is for men and women who have experienced success and achieved many of their goals and who are now asking deep inside, Is this all there is? But it is also a book for all readers—young and old—who really aren’t sure what true success looks like. This book will change your life if you pause long enough to contemplate its lessons.

Let it be so.

Rick Warren

May 2017

Introduction

We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time.

—T. S. ELIOT

I’ve often said that if you want to hear God laugh out loud, all you need to do is tell Him your plans. I can say on pretty good authority I’ve provided Him some entertainment with mine.

God then needs to get your attention. In my experience, He’ll begin by tossing a pebble into your life. If that doesn’t work, He’ll throw a rock. If you still haven’t looked up, He’ll heave a brick!

Africa was my brick.

In 1993, I wasn’t looking up much—I was too busy living the dream. I was forty-two, had hit my version of the jackpot financially, and surpassed every personal goal I’d set for myself, and my life was a nice round of pats on the back, which translated to power and influence. What was there not to like?

I was doing fine. Yet why wasn’t I happy beyond imagination? Why did I have this ominous sense that something big was missing? Could it be true that, like Stephen Covey’s word picture, I had climbed the ladder of success only to find it leaning against the wrong wall?

During this time of my life, I lost my father. Reeling from the blow, I climbed on a plane and traveled to Africa. Something my pastor had asked me to do.

It was an odd request, at best; Sub-Saharan Africa was the last place guys like me tended to go unless it was on a five-star safari, and it wasn’t something I was particularly eager to do. I never saw it coming: in the least likely place, I was destined to stumble on answers I couldn’t have attained any other way.

In Africa, I encountered the poorest of the poor. People so poor that they couldn’t pull themselves up by their bootstraps (because they didn’t know what a bootstrap was, let alone have access to any). They simply had the imperative of living to see another day, another week, another bout with disease or hunger. Something in my heart gave way. Something in my soul came to life, and a new journey began.

This book characterizes the wisdom I’ve gained as I’ve entered the second half of my life. I’ve discovered there are others like me—men and women who have realized there should be something more to the picture and who have questioned the long-held assumptions on which they’ve built their lives.

I don’t think that, with a single swipe of the hand, I should push aside everything I’ve ever built or accomplished. But I’m thrilled and encouraged to say that the second half of life has offered so much more than I’d been told. I’ve found that there are deeper, far more satisfying goals in life than those with which our culture entices us, and there were ways for me to make a course correction that didn’t involve sweeping the past aside. I’ve been able to use all the lessons I’ve learned to build something new and far more meaningful than I ever imagined.

I’m not one to rebrand myself. When I returned from my eye-opening trip to Africa, I continued my stumbling and my occasional wrong turns, just like always and just like everybody. But I knew I was after something new, and that changed my reactions to life. When I did something that clashed with my new perceptions of life—or when I failed to do something—I found myself thinking, This won’t do; it’s counterproductive to becoming the person I want to be. Here’s another corner of me that needs renovation. I now suspect that will always be the case.

I had no idea where my new journey would carry me. I only knew that it was a grand new adventure, and that God would be at the very center of it. I was going to have to learn how to be this different person, because it had taken me quite a while to become the old one. But I was resolute. I was determined to reset my default to dependence and to relate to God each day in a brand-new way. I wanted my life to be about things that were significant and lasting. I wanted to find my way out of the rat race and be more meaningful to the human race.

Back in 1994, I told this story in Life through a Different Lens. As I reread that book, the words still strike me as true. But I’ve traveled many a mile since then, metaphorically and literally. I’ve continued my trips to Africa on a regular basis—fifty-six visits and counting. I’ve continued my life back home with a renewed purpose. On both fields, I find that I’ve fallen short of the mark I’d like to leave as I edge closer to the finish line.

So, I have a few stories to tell. I’m not high on pontificating and telling other people how to live their lives. But I’m the world’s foremost authority on me and the things that have worked or failed in my own life. So, in a spirit of humility—not of pushiness or self-righteousness—I hope to offer these observations of what has happened to me in the pursuit of a more significant second act.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I always thought I would want to “give back” to society, to do some good. But I always thought it would be boring, like potluck casseroles in church basements followed by missionaries presenting slide shows of faraway places. I would never have predicted the exhilarating twists and turns my life would take when I was given a new path—a calling to something much bigger than I. I couldn’t think of anything dull or ordinary when my heart was breaking: My mind wasn’t on the ordinary during my visit to Masaka, Uganda, where I held the hands of a twenty-year-old mother of four, a victim of AIDS, as she sighed her final breath. I wasn’t bored as two presidents, Bush and Obama, appointed me to the board of directors of United States African Development Foundation (USADF), whose goal is to deliver the poor from poverty through job creation. That’s a vision that would energize any man or woman with a pulse. It’s added life to my years, and—I would venture—years to my life.

My new path didn’t end there. I’ve flown from Andrews Air Force Base three times as part of presidential delegations to my beloved continent. I’ve spoken at White House faith-based initiative conferences. I’ve become good friends with congressional leaders on both sides of the aisle. And I was asked to be the keynote speaker at the 2008 National Prayer Breakfast. Later that year, President Bush awarded me the Presidential Citizens Medal in the Oval Office.

I won’t be disingenuous enough to suggest I don’t feel a sense of pride in the experiences I’ve enjoyed these last few years. But I’m also being quite honest when I tell you that I’ve been deeply humbled rather than puffed up. I’ve been acutely aware that God orchestrated every circumstance, because there is simply no way I could have. I found that when I finally became involved with things far greater than my own self-interest, life became meaningful beyond anything I could have even imagined on my own.

I have another (hopefully) modest reason for sharing these experiences. I believe doing good things has gotten a bad rap. Somehow, we’ve bought into the lie that the good life is showy and dramatic and surrounded by the flashing bulbs of the paparazzi. What I’ve found is that the greatest adventure comes when we stop living for self, stop piling up personal achievements, and begin living for things that really matter. Nothing is actually duller, in the long run, than one more bag of money, one more business conquest, or one more round of pleasure with diminishing returns of satisfaction.

When I do good things—any good thing—I’m doing God’s things. When I started living by that philosophy, that’s when my life became truly compelling and wildly unpredictable. While I don’t want to be overly dramatic, I’m not afraid to say that I was finally aligned with the purpose for which I am here.

I realize that, for some people, putting aside the pursuit of money, status, and joyless excitement might seem like too big a sacrifice. Our culture has taught us to view the word sacrifice in a negative way. We picture someone being thrown into a volcano, or we think that someone is trying to steal our money or time. But what I have discovered is that any true sacrifice I make, when done for the right purpose, is overwhelmed by what comes back my way: relationships, adventure, wisdom, a powerful sense of purpose and contentment, and on the list goes.

Finally, this book is an exercise in self-exploration. Enlightenment has been defined as knowing who you are and being able to tell the truth about it. This is my attempt to do just that. And for whom am I writing? I’m writing for anyone who wonders what life’s road may hold when they seek God or God finds them. This includes those for whom religion is primarily cultural, those who have lost or abandoned their faith, or those who consider themselves skeptics and atheists—people who really aren’t sure at all about this “God talk.” Believe me, I understand your hesitation and promise that you won’t be preached to, argued with, or manipulated emotionally. This is just my story, and I’m sticking to it.

Ward Brehm

January 2017

1

My Father’s Gift

The Legacy of My Dad

Whoever does not have a good father

should procure one.

—FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE

One night a father overheard his son pray,

“Dear God, make me the kind of man my daddy is.”

Later that night, the father prayed, “Dear God, make me

the kind of man my son wants me to be.”

—ANONYMOUS

My dad was any number of things, depending on how you knew him. For me, he was a wonderful father, a wise and insightful mentor for a young guy like me who was trying to figure out the world.

My father was one of those people who, whenever his name came up, evoked the same two words every time: great guy.

Growing up, I showed no signs of being a “great guy” in the making. For me, the word was troublemaker. Neither of my parents said it, of course. Their point of view was, “Why is this good boy doing such naughty things?” Then they would apply the consequences of my actions. Neither of my parents were lenient. If I did the crime, I did the time. But once my “sentence” was over, it was over. Through whatever discipline came, I felt their affection for me. Two more words would eventually enter my vocabulary, though I didn’t know them yet: unconditional love.

We use that phrase quite often these days. (If only we used the actual concept as freely.) I’ve become aware through talking to many people just how rare and wonderful it is to know one is loved without reservation, without conditions or clauses or limits. I know people who labored long and hard to earn the love of a parent, because they didn’t receive it otherwise. But growing up in my home, it was as solid as the concrete beneath our floor. I never realized how rare and precious that upbringing was—my childhood world was the kind of world depicted in an episode of The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet. Mom and Dad were a team and among the greatest blessings of my life.

Dad expressed his love in the form of unswerving belief, played out in constant encouragement. If his children were a stock, he would have invested all he had. And when I felt low and like a failure, he wouldn’t let my emotions stay there. He may not have agreed with all that I did and all that I thought, and he’d tell me so. What wasn’t in dispute was his all-out support. What I felt from him was that ancient, intangible thing expressed in certain Old Testament stories, that thing every child had a deep need to feel. I had his blessing.

As for his own life, I’ve already told you: great guy. He lived large, smiled his way through the world, avoided moodiness and dampened spirits. When life dealt him the proverbial poor hand, he handled it with charm, grace, and plenty of humor. Never resentment, never bitterness, never demands upon life or God or anyone else. As he saw it, there was a family to care for, and he had no time for self-absorbed tantrums.

He put us first and showed it by his presence. As a successful businessman, he was able to choose his own hours and be available to us. This meant more fun, more attention, more family adventures. And you might ask, “Well, if all this is true, why did he have two sons who were constantly getting into trouble?” I can only tell you we weren’t acting out from any lack of parental attention. Sometimes boys will be boys, and if all goes well, they tire of their own comedy and find the right path.

My brother Steve and I tested the boundaries, but we knew we aspired toward our father’s image. He set the tone for us, for example, in how to approach faith—quietly and loyally, to be worn in the heart and not on the sleeve, in the manner of the generation from which he sprung. He was a church man and a deacon, but he was never showy about it.

I knew I wanted to be big and strong like my dad when I grew up. I wanted his looks, his charisma, his way of commanding a room. He loved a good Manhattan or a single malt Scotch. He snuck a cigarette from time to time, though he thought it a secret. He loved the outdoors, being truly at home in the woods or at the lake, but he could fill an Oxford suit and English leather shoes like nobody’s business. He was, anyone would agree, a man for all seasons.

Maybe I’m a little biased—I had only the one dad, after all. Maybe my memory has airbrushed the past and made it artificially rosy. Except that my impressions were confirmed, over and over, by men and women who came to me and said, “Your father was something special.” There was Rick, the garage attendant at my office parking garage, who stopped me after a visit from Dad and said, “Do you realize how lucky you are to have such a wonderful dad?” I smiled and agreed but wanted to know what provoked his comment. My dad had been leaving and gotten into a conversation with him. Dad parked his car, sat down, and spent time with this man. “I know he must be an important man—I can tell that—but he made time for a guy like me.”

There were lots of incidents like that. Dad seemed to accomplish plenty without ever hurrying. He had time for anyone who needed a bit of it. If it were possible to be the mayor of one’s set of acquaintances, he would have won in a landslide every time.

One of the greatest lessons he taught me was personal responsibility. One sunny summer evening, just before I took off for college, I was at home alone with Dad. He asked me if I wanted to have a drink with him. Though I was entering manhood, this was a surprise—we both knew how much trouble I’d brought on myself in high school from sneaking alcohol. I told Dad yes but I was thinking, Is this a trick question?

Dad mixed a tall Scotch and soda for each of us, and we took our drinks out to the porch. He wanted to tell me how pleased and proud he was about my new place in life as a university student. He wanted me to have good grades, but he also wanted to recommend that I have my share of fun. Okay, I thought. Now this is getting really strange.

“These are going to be the best four years of your life,” he said with a smile. “And they won’t come back around.” He touched on the fact that in a unique time like this, I’d have lots of freedom but relatively few responsibilities; a chance to give life a test-drive without the pressing burdens of career and family. I continued to sip my drink and wonder where we were going with all this. There had to be a catch.

Sure enough, his voice found a tone slightly more solemn, and he said, “Four special years. Four. Not five. Not six.”

So, that was it. He was wanting me to know that four special years of college life were on him. He would write the checks, I would have the fun and the learning opportunities. After that, I was on my own 100 percent.

This was an example of his formula of love plus boundaries. I had his full support, but I also knew what was expected of me. The clarity of that served me well, as I had the time of my life in college, while also preparing myself for a future that would arrive right on time, like a European train. It wasn’t too shocking to anybody that I chose the same career as my dad. I wanted the flexibility, the family time, and the opportunity to relate to people the way he did.

The few years we spent in the same office were special. We didn’t actually do any business together, but the proximity was something I treasured and that I knew I wouldn’t have forever. I’m grateful I could see this, so we could enjoy making a few memories together while we were both adults.

One of these had us cutting and splitting firewood with my brother Steve. I was in the midst of building a home out in the woods, and family was a great place to find cheap labor. One day, as we worked, I realized that my father was slowing down a bit. As we took a break, sitting together on stumps, I looked at him and thought, My dad is sixty-six. He’s not going to be doing this kind of thing forever. It was a hard truth I needed to confront.

It was only a few days later that he reported a bit of pain in his ribcage. X-rays revealed a broken rib. Dad, anything but a hypochondriac, had no clue when or how he had done such a thing.

There was a new series of tests, and the results weren’t pleasing. He hadn’t done anything to break the rib. He had a rare and deadly disease: multiple myeloma, also known as bone cancer. As a stage-one patient, he had perhaps five years to live.

We were all devastated. How could it be? The problem with men like Dad is that they create an illusion of invulnerability. They seem bigger than life, capable of knocking down any obstacle. But indeed, it’s an illusion.

Characteristically, nothing about Dad’s demeanor changed. He laughed, told jokes, and focused on others. The doctors, of course, were simply new additions to his vast menagerie of friends. And he simply kept on keeping on, even as the descent grew steeper and did so more quickly than anyone anticipated.

Chemo wasn’t doing much. There was an experimental trial with interferons at the Mayo Clinic, a last resort. But it, too, accomplished nothing. I vented, “We were told five years! That’s hard enough, but why aren’t we even getting that?”

To make the situation even more bitter, both my parents had gone annually to a cancer detection clinic at the University of Minnesota. My father’s condition had shown up four years earlier on a report, and an internist had missed it. When Dad’s oncologist shared this miserable account with me, I was furious. I would get lawyers. I would make these people pay for the devastation to my family.

Meanwhile, my dad continued to slip away.

And then I realized something shocking: we’d been given a gift.

If we’d known four years earlier about the cancer, it would have changed everything about the way we all lived, particularly my parents. They’d been renting places in Florida for a number of years and enjoyed some of the best years of their marriage there. They finally bought their place in the sun in Vero Beach, Florida. If they’d known earlier about Dad’s sickness, they wouldn’t have had those carefree years. I’m not a fan of medical incompetence, but I have to admit that sometimes there’s grace in not knowing.

Dad fought his way toward the final rounds of the battle. He didn’t give up. The doctors made it clear that they’d stopped all treatment—the outcome was assured—but my father never let that sink in. He talked about my future plans and included himself. He seemed to enjoy his days the same as if they were unnumbered. My mom was nothing short of heroic. From the onset she was determined to be Dad’s primary caretaker. Despite the shock and heartbreak, she always kept up a positive front and kept her anguish, frustration, and despair from the family. She handled this disaster with patience, courage, and enormous grace. A huge gift to our family.

Then one day Dad developed pneumonia. They actually call it the cancer patient’s best friend, with its grim mercy. Of course, his immune system was basically nonfunctioning by this time, and he had to be hospitalized. We gathered outside his room, where a doctor quietly explained that Dad would probably leave us sometime during the night. He simply didn’t know Dad, who woke up the next day feeling great, with no signs of infection. The staff were dumbfounded. “Your dad is a great guy,” one of them told me.

The new prediction was that he actually had a few months to live. When we gathered around his bed, you wouldn’t have thought anyone was particularly sick. We were laughing and telling stories, and he was at his best. The door opened, and the primary physician stood before us.

“Hey, Doc,” my dad said. “I’m tired of this bed. Could you give me some kind of a schedule on when I’m going to get better and can get back to normal?” We all looked at our feet a little awkwardly, because we knew there were limits to everything—even my father’s buoyant confidence.

The doctor, who of course was a great friend of a great guy by now, said, “Ed, you’re not going to get any better. This cancer is going to kill you, and it won’t be too long until that happens.”

The room was silent. We looked at Dad, who said, “Well, that’s a bummer!”

It was the moment when reality truly set in—for all of us. Love and many other emotions were heavy in the atmosphere, and we all began to speak without euphemisms and evasions. “It’s been a great ride,” Dad said. “I’ve been blessed with a family that kept me happy, and I’ve had way more than my share of wonderful experiences. They had to end sometime.”

His acceptance seemed to punctuate the whole experience, and he departed that very evening. There was no particular medical explanation. I think he calmly and gracefully let go. I also think that he did so out of love and concern for his family. He didn’t want them halting their lives to care for or grieve over him. He needed to be out of their way, the sooner to move through the mourning process and resume what really matters in life.

As I said my goodbyes, feeling profoundly deprived of his presence, I grew up. I’d always known that dads aren’t forever. I was thirty-eight, and he was sixty-seven. There was a quarter-century between us. Even so, I hadn’t known how much it would hurt. I hadn’t considered what it would mean to wake up each morning and realize he wasn’t there for me anymore. I’d never realized it was possible to hurt so deeply. I hadn’t ever faced anything remotely close to such a loss. Still relatively young, I’d fashioned myself—in his manner—as the captain of my own fate, the master of all I surveyed. And here was something I couldn’t master.

What I’ve come to realize was that the depth of my loss was a gift. In leaving me, Dad bequeathed me one final and priceless treasure. I had to come to the end of myself; I had to realize there were things in life I couldn’t handle with nonchalance. I was a jerk—a nice guy kind of jerk perhaps, but even so, a guy severely in need of humbling.

The gift of my father was ultimately a gift from another Father, and it must be so because of the timing of these events. Only a few years later, I was climbing on a plane to Africa. The loss of Dad, coupled with the aftershock of Africa, provided a one-two punch that remade me from the inside out. Only God can coordinate the schedules by which these things come together in our lives. Dad’s death forced me to confront mortality; Africa forced me to confront meaning.

Now, as the years have passed, I don’t really recall the physical devastation of my father’s final months. What I remember is the booming laugh, just as if I’d heard it yesterday. I recall the presence, the encouragement, and the love, and I realize that even as a relatively immature forty-two-year-old, I was learning something that truly mattered in life. He taught me how to be a father, husband, friend, and member of the human race. And while I miss being able to reach out and touch his shoulder or get a bear hug, I still feel him among us. I feel his pride over his children and grandchildren. And I know that he’s no further away than the eternity we will share.

2

Metamorphosis

Can God Change a Jerk?

Maybe as we move towards spiritual maturity,

we come to the same conclusion as Job that it’s less

about possessions, order and success, and more about

an ability to live with uncertainty, loss and mess?

—SIMON GUILLEBAUD

When I was forty, life had left me dizzy. Nothing had prepared me for living at a faster and faster pace until I seemed to have very little control over my own life. I was doing well financially, and I had made the climb of success. But I found myself in a roller coaster compartment with no steering wheel and no brake—only the instinct to hang on tight.

Like others, I looked to technology—all these new advances and breakthroughs—to help me get better control of things. I bought the most expensive smartphone I could find and downloaded every scheduling, organizational, and financial app there was in the hopes that these things would keep me calm as well as connected. Yet each one only created more urgency and obligations and drained me more.