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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Fachliteratur
- Sprache: Englisch
Reject the common beliefs around disability to cultivate self-acceptance, regain control, and navigate the path to genuine belonging.
In Boldly Belong: The Power of Prioritizing You in a Disabling Society, dedicated disability inclusion advocate and process improvement specialist Julie Harris delivers an actionable guide for those navigating life with disabilities. It is a practical roadmap to belonging that challenges the unjust societal shame and stigmas that shape our beliefs of disability and ourselves. The book includes reflective exercises and practical strategies to incorporate the mindset of acceptance into everyday life. The author accepts the idea of limitations caused by disability as a neutral fact, rather than as a negative or positive, and shows us how to use limitations as parameters to accept and work within, rather than resist or reframe.
In the book, you'll learn why self-acceptance, rather than trying to fit in or unrealistic, positive reframing, is the key to belonging. You'll also discover:
- How accepting your limitations, needs, and true self can lead to profound growth and possibility
- New insights that help you to question and deconstruct the harmful beliefs you've always been told to be true about you and your disability
- How to identify who you are and finally believe that you are enough
- Strategies for self-advocacy that effectively further your interests in a wide variety of settings and circumstances
Perfect for people from all over the world who have a body or brain that works differently, Boldly Belong is also an essential read for business, academic, military, and athletic leaders who want to understand more about disability and cultivate disability inclusive environments that promote belonging.
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Seitenzahl: 432
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024
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Table of Contents
Cover
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
The Aftermath and What I Learned
PART I: Stigmas Lie
1 Live Life on Your Terms
Your Choices Set Your Terms
Belonging Is the Goal
Worthwhile Changes Are Rarely Easy
2 How Belief Systems Shape Identity
Belief‐Identity‐Behavior Cycle
How Identity Affects Perception
External vs. Internal Locus of Control
Why Identity Matters
3 Identify Who You Are Free of Stigma
Learn to Trust Yourself
Don't Fight Against What Is
Advocate for Yourself
PART II: Deconstruct Faulty Belief Systems
4 Disability Stigma
Historical Perceptions and Attempts at Change
5 Impact of Stigmas on Self
Internalized Stigma
Impact of Internalized Stigma
6 Shame
Cause and Purpose
7 People‐Pleasing
Cause and Purpose
8 Perfectionism
Cause and Purpose
9 Learned Helplessness
Cause and Purpose
10 Hyper‐Independence
Cause and Purpose
11 Fear of Being Perceived
Cause and Purpose
12 Strategies to Question and Reframe
Your Perception of the World
Identify Your Faulty Belief Systems
Question Your Faulty Belief Systems
Develop New Belief Systems
Implement New Belief Systems
PART III: Self‐Acceptance and Self‐Confidence
13 Nervous System Regulation
Autonomic Nervous System
How to Regulate the Nervous System
14 Know Yourself
You Are Enough
Identifying Who You Are
15 Accept Yourself
Non‐Judgment
Non‐Resistance
Self‐Compassion
Self‐Awareness
Self‐Accountability
Examples of Acceptance in Daily Life
16 Accept Others
Non‐Judgment
Non‐Resistance
Accountability
Self‐Prioritization
17 Practice Being You
Improve Trust in Your Body
Improve Trust in Yourself
Teach Your Brain Your New Beliefs
Be You
PART IV: Self‐Advocacy
18 Advocate for Yourself
Lead with Values, Goals, and Needs
Know Your Rights and Responsibilities
19 Tune Out Others' Judgments
You Are Bigger Than Any Judgments
Judgments Aren't Actually About You
What Tuning Out Others' Judgments Is Not
Strategies for Navigating Others' Judgments
20 Inevitable Resistance
Identity Crisis
Fear, Doubt, and Guilt
Judgment
Loneliness
Need for Rest
21 Stay True to Yourself in the Workplace
Identify Safety Measures
Prioritize Your Values and Goals
Advocate for Your Needs
Practice Acceptance
Tune Out Irrelevant Judgment
22 Stay True to Yourself Even When Everything Sucks
True Acceptance
The Valley of Despair
Resist Acting Against Your Values
Meet Your Basic Needs as Possible
Practice Nervous System Regulation
References
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Index
End User License Agreement
List of Tables
Chapter 10
Table 10.1 Faulty versus Accurate Beliefs
Chapter 14
Table 14.1 Core Human Values
Guide
Cover
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
Begin Reading
References
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Index
End User License Agreement
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Julie HARRIS
BOLDLY BELONG
The Power of Being YOU in a Disabling Society
Copyright © 2024 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved, including rights for text and data mining and training of artificial technologies or similar technologies.
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.
Published simultaneously in Canada.
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ISBN 9781394251353 (Cloth)ISBN 9781394251360 (ePub)ISBN 9781394251377 (ePDF)
COVER DESIGN: PAUL MCCARTHY
Introduction
MY STORY STARTS at age 20 when I passed out, hit my head, and lost memory of my entire life up to that point. Only a few minutes before, I had received a phone call from my sister telling me that one of my brothers was in the hospital in critical condition, so I immediately went to see him. As the medical staff was telling my sister and me the status of our brother, he was wheeled into the room. He had no skin on his back and was otherwise not in great shape. This led me to pass out. Instead of crumpling to the ground as is typical, I fell straight back hitting my head on the emergency room floor. My sister describes the sound as the loudest crack she had ever heard. Blood immediately started to come out of my ears and nose as I went into a 40‐minute seizure. My parents, who were still on their way to see one child in critical condition, got a second call that another child was in critical condition in the same hospital. Both kids were possibly going into surgery, and all they could do was continue driving.
One of the three times my mom has seen my dad cry was while I was still having seizures after my parents finally arrived to the hospital. My brother ended up being released in six days, while I remained in various hospitals for three months. I went in with the brain of a young adult and left with brain function that more closely resembled that of a child's. In addition to the physical damage and related behavior changes, I lost all memories from before the brain injury and didn't develop or retain any memories for weeks after. Everything I told you up to this point and everything I know about my childhood, history, and social norms is what I have learned secondhand from others. While this part of the story matters for you to understand what happened, it is the least significant part of the story as far as my experience, memories, and perspective are concerned.
The Aftermath and What I Learned
The most significant part of my story isn't the fall itself but the aftermath, relearning the world through the understanding of a child but with the mental capacity of an adult. Infants come into this world free of stigmas, learned biases, and most fears. They don't care about judgment or the expectations of others. I forgot everything, so I came into the world as an adult free of stigmas, learned biases, and fears that typically accrue by this age. I wasn't yet hindered by external expectations and judgments. Because I didn't have those influences, I saw the world in a completely new way.
Lesson #1: Needs Are a Priority
Because my first memories were in a hospital where meeting my needs was literally the priority, I learned that I was entitled to my needs getting met. I learned to communicate my needs and was actively asked what my needs were. I was taught how I could meet my own needs and what to do when I needed external support to get my needs met. All of my needs were respected by doctors, nurses, family, and visitors because my life and health depended on it. As far as I knew, the world revolved around me. If people were in my room, it was to visit me. If doctors or nurses were in my room, it was to check on me to support meeting my needs. Since this was the only experience I remembered, it became deeply instilled in me to ask for my needs to be met and to expect that they would be met. Nurses would even support me when I was getting tired or overstimulated and tell people to leave the room if my asking wasn't enough. Even after I was discharged from the hospital, my family continued to meet my needs without question and helped advocate for me when necessary.
Later, I learned that having my needs respected to even a fraction of this degree was not the norm. I learned that many people do not have families or environments that are this accepting of their needs. I learned that having my needs accepted directly related to having my difference accepted, which directly related to me feeling that I belonged. I don't remember any disability‐related judgment from my parents or siblings ever. They may have had judgments, and may have even voiced those judgments away from me, but they never treated me differently. They never treated me as if I were inferior in any way. I didn't realize it until years later, but I think this was the most significant difference in my disability experience and the common disability experience. I lived the first few years of my life after the brain injury completely accepted. Because I was treated as if my needs mattered no matter who I was or what I was capable of, I didn't question if I was enough. I didn't question if I was too much. And that is a rare trait in the disability community.
Lesson #2: All the Rules Are Made Up
I left the hospital and learned that all the rules I learned about behavior in rehab were made‐up rules that were only followed in certain situations. In rehab, I worked with occupational therapists, physical therapists, and speech therapists, who all supported me in learning how to better engage with people and society. I had no tact, no sense of respect, no idea what should or shouldn't be said, how it should be said, or how to interpret or consider others' feelings.
I remember using flash cards of facial expressions and the corresponding emotion the expression portrayed. I remember the matching games where I was to match emotions to certain scenarios. I learned the rules of “please,” “thank you,” and “you're welcome.” I learned that you don't play on your phone while people are visiting. I learned that you don't just say, “I don't want you here anymore” but should make it a bit kinder, to consider the other person. Even when I don't understand it, I can accept that it is a rule to be followed.
Then I went out into the real world and learned others weren't applying these rules. When I would raise the question of why someone wasn't following the rules, they would explain why that specific situation didn't merit following the rule in the same way. They would explain that because of an imperceptible (to me) nuance, a completely different rule applied. I learned that trying to follow the rules just for the sake of following the rules led to me applying them inappropriately. When I didn't catch the nuance of the situation (or I caught the nuance but was completely wrong in my interpretation), I would apply the rules inappropriately. Either way, I seemed to be wrong in my behavior no matter how hard I tried.
I then learned that expectations of following certain rules changed depending on the person. I learned that what one person perceives as respectful and kind another could perceive as invasive. I learned that people love to project their interpretation of the rules onto everyone else with the assumption that their own rules are right.
What this experience taught me is that all of the rules are made up. Even the rules that seem very clear aren't. Even rules that seem to always apply, don't. There is always nuance that can change the applicable rule, or the interpretation of the applicable rule.
So I stopped following rules except the ones that I made up for myself based on my needs and values.
Lesson #3: People Settle
When I met new people and learned to listen about their life, it was more common than not to hear complaints. When somebody would talk about being unhappy in a job or marriage I would say, “Just get a new one.” The person would explain to me that isn't how the world works. You can't just do what you want when you want. This confused me significantly because I did what I wanted every day. Sure, I was limited in some ways by my health and my circumstances, but within my control I did what I wanted. I didn't know enough to know that my situation was unique, but it just didn't make sense why so many people were living a life they didn't like and not making the basic changes to improve it. People were settling—and explained it with the assumption that it's the way it had to be.
Tie in lessons one and two, and it explains why. People don't prioritize their basic needs. People don't ask for their needs to be met and often don't even know their needs. The reason why typically lies in prioritizing the external made‐up rules over their basic needs. When an assignment is due in school or work, it is expected to risk sleep to finish it. Somehow deprioritizing sleep and risking the very real health consequences is more acceptable than not prioritizing a made‐up deadline with made‐up consequences. When a marriage is full of unhappiness, stress, and fighting that leads to health issues, there is often an expectation to stay in it. Staying unhappy and unhealthy is more acceptable than getting a divorce if your family or religion or culture looks down on it. Attitudes around this have relaxed since I initially saw the pattern, but the point remains. People have convinced themselves that external expectations and judgments are hard rules that must be followed. They further convince themselves that those made‐up rules take priority over the very real needs of the human body and mind. So, although I learned that rules don't matter at all, I also learned they simultaneously matter all too much.
Lesson #4: Society Itself Is Disabling
People with disabilities were very obviously treated “less than.” I realized I was different pretty early on and started to feel the stigma before I even knew what stigma was or that the word “disabled” applied to me.
I learned that people viewed anything different as less than and talking about anything different as taboo. It didn't make sense to me because people aren't any less for being different—especially neutral differences in appearance and functioning that people can't control. It just made no sense at all.
My first job after my brain injury was serving the disability community in the form of being a support worker. I got better results with people I served than anyone else, so fairly quickly I became a manager. The people I served as a manager had immediate and startling improvements that caught the attention of the president of the company. Because of this success, I was asked to develop and deliver training for the entire company on my methodology. Turns out treating people with basic respect, allowing them some autonomy over their lives, and working with them instead of around them was quite effective.
What seemed common sense to me was a novel idea to most whom I worked with, including those who founded and led the company. This was the first example where I recognized that people's perceptions, treatment, and the environment are far more disabling than disabilities themselves. This isn't to say that there aren't real limitations inherent with each disability, but those limitations can be accommodated for if external attitudes and environments allow for it.
The more I paid attention to this pattern, the more I found that not only did the stigma and environment limit existing disabilities, but stigma and discrimination even cause disabilities. The impacts of discrimination and stigma on mental health and stress can exacerbate or lead to depression, anxiety, and many stress‐based diseases.
Being discriminated against is disabling. Having needs denied is disabling. Being denied autonomy over your own life is disabling.
Lesson #5 Brains Function as Designed
As a way to cope with my injury, I started studying the brain. I was frustrated by the lack of explanation around my injuries and symptoms, so I started to study all I could. While most of my study was geared toward brain injury, amnesia, seizures, my specific brain injuries, and recovery from brain injury, I also studied neuroscience in general. Basic education taught me that the brain does what it does for a reason. The brain sends signals to the rest of the body prompting certain responses, and most of it isn't our choice. The brain functions how it was designed to function, and even when it doesn't, it functions as expected given its circumstances. How does that make sense? Well, each part of the brain has specific functions, so when part of the brain is damaged, related functions are affected. In my case, my right frontal and temporal lobes were damaged. The right frontal lobe influences judgment, impulse control, and social‐emotional recognition among other things. The right temporal lobe influences certain types of memory and regulation of some emotions. Anybody who visited me in the hospital would tell you it was incredibly obvious that those functions were severely affected. For example, I was known to tear out my IVs on a regular basis because I didn't understand how it contributed to my safety, didn't like the feel of it, and had no inhibitions. Even when my brain wasn't functioning as a brain was initially designed to, it was functioning as was expected for a brain with damage to the affected areas.
In addition to brain functioning based on structure, the brain's biggest priority is safety. Dissociative amnesia occurs as a protective response to a traumatic event. Certain emotional reactions are protective actions that are also guided by the brain. The brain always has a reason for doing what it is doing, and most of it is completely outside of our control.
However, that does not mean we have no control. When released from the hospital, I was told that I couldn't do certain activities because it would harm my brain but that I should eat and drink certain things to support my brain. It became obvious from those suggestions that internal and external input directly affects the brain. I later learned that it not only affects the brain, but external and internal stimuli is what guides the brain to do what it does. While I can't control my brain, I can control the input. So I started tracking everything. I tracked what I ate, how much, and when. I tracked what lights were on in the house and for how long. I tracked the duration of social interactions, who was involved, and the moods that they caused. I tracked how long I did puzzles or math or how long I read. I tracked seizures, irritability, and pain. I had a lot of free time as all I was doing was healing, so I tracked absolutely every factor I could.
What I learned was significant and has guided my life ever since. I learned that certain foods give me headaches every single time. I learned all of the ways my brain becomes overwhelmed and at what point that occurs. I learned what activities decrease feeling overwhelmed and increase calm. I learned that as long as I took care of my basic needs I could decrease the likelihood of seizures, but if I neglected two or more basic needs, I was asking for a seizure. I could successfully navigate loud environments as long as I had adequate sleep and properly nourished myself, but if I didn't, I was asking for a seizure. I learned that I could neglect a basic need in one area for a few days before it starts to affect everything else even when all other needs are being met.
Further research showed me that what I learned was nothing that hadn't already been discovered about the brain.
Food, sleep, sensory input, mental and emotional stress, and everything you do directly affects your mental functioning, mood, and actions. Like most people, you may believe you are in control of your actions in the moment, but you aren't. What you surround yourself with, the habits you build, and how you provide for your body's needs affect who you are and what you do far more than choices in the moment. Even choices that seem conscious and in the moment are dictated by past experiences, how the brain interpreted the external stimuli, and the cognitive health of the brain at the time.
This leads me to why I am writing this book. Because people believe that you can choose how you act in any given moment, they think that people who are disabled can just try harder, choose to be happier, and otherwise push through in specific moments. People who aren't disabled often think it is a choice to be miserable or limited. Because disabled people and anyone who is on the receiving end of stigma or discrimination know society's treatment directly affects mental health, which directly influences physical health, it's easy to think you can make no improvements until society itself improves.
You can't just push through and choose to not be disabled. And you don't have to be at the whim of society's treatment. By learning that your needs are a priority and that external rules, judgments, and expectations are not a priority, you can stop settling. You can recognize that society is disabling, and proactively choose to provide your brain with better input. You can stop living a life dictated by society's treatment of you. You can learn a new way of living, and you don't even have to have a brain injury and retrograde amnesia to do it.
THROUGHOUT THIS BOOK, the words “disabled” and “disability” are used frequently. This was done very intentionally to reduce stigma, to normalize the words, and to use the words that are most accurate.
Before getting into the book, I want to directly address what the word “disability” actually means free of stigma.
Many believe that the words “disability” and “disabled” are inherently negative. They aren't. The most common argument in the English language is that the prefix “dis‐” makes them inherently negative. However, a grammatical negative does not have any inherent moral, ethical, or value implication. It simply is a tool to make a word mean its opposite, much like a mathematical negative makes a number its opposite.
There are multiple grammatically negative prefixes that are used at different times to denote different things. If you disable something, you make something that could work, no longer able to work. An external action is required. If something is unable, it is simply not able. That could describe its intrinsic lack of capability or an inability due to an external force. The word itself doesn't specify the cause, if any, just that it is not able. “Inability” describes the state of being unable, without implying whether the lack of ability is inherent or a result of an external cause.
In contrast, a disability does inherently mean that capabilities were limited or taken away by external factors—whether that's an injury, illness, genetic condition, or lack of accommodating environments and systemic barriers.
“Disability” is a neutral descriptor perceived to be morally, ethically, and value negative by stigma.
All of us are inherently unable to do some things. All of us are made unable to do some things. Maybe you were unable to access your office because your key card was disabled. Then you discovered an inability to contact your coworkers because your phone was disabled.
It is accepted that “unable,” “disabled,” and “inability” are not bad words when used in this context. They are accurate descriptors to describe certain situations. The word “disability” does not suddenly mean “less” just because the inability is related to a physical or mental difference. “Disability” and “disabled” are accurate and neutral descriptors.
PART IStigmas Lie
THIS SECTION (CHAPTERS 1–3) serves as an introduction to the prominent points introduced in the book. You will learn what it means to live life on your terms and how it is possible no matter who you are. You will learn the difference between fitting in versus belonging and how prioritizing the former leads to losing yourself, while prioritizing the latter leads to real connection and acceptance.
You will learn how your identity has been developed over time and how it is largely influenced by beliefs learned through others' treatment of you. You will learn how consistent acceptance or lack thereof has affected how you see yourself, the world, and others. You will learn how your beliefs shape your behaviors, which shapes your identity, which shapes your beliefs. You will learn how to stop that cycle to change your beliefs, identity, and behavior.
After you learn how belief systems shape how you see yourself and the world, you will learn to identify who you really are, the process to become who you really are, and how that affects your life. You will learn how the feelings of belonging only come as a result of knowing and accepting who you are, in turn allowing others to accept you as you are.
You may have been taught that parts or all of you is unacceptable or less than, but that simply isn't true. Regardless of others' ability to accept you or not, you do not have to hide who you are to fit in. In fact, doing so will only ensure that you never feel that you truly belong. This section is designed to give you hope in what is possible while outlining how you can get there.
1Live Life on Your Terms
HAVE YOU EVER worked really hard to improve yourself according to someone else's preference only to still be not enough? Have you ever tried to fit in only to still be rejected? Have you ever hidden your needs to be less needy only to end up being seen as needy anyway?
When being different feels like a threat, it is easy to prioritize acceptance from others while deprioritizing the value of maintaining your true identity. When rejection occurs consistently, it is easy to blame yourself and your differences as the problem to be fixed. When true acceptance doesn't seem feasible, it is easy to settle for fitting in while convincing yourself it isn't settling at all.
When all of this adds up, it seems as if the only way to live life is by following the rules dictated by others. Whether it is family, religion, employers, or culture, there are expectations that define acceptable behavior, what traits and accomplishments are rewarded, and what traits and accomplishments (or lack thereof) are criticized and rejected. When so many people abide by a specific set of rules and perpetuate the beliefs that those rules are rooted in, societal norms are created. It becomes normal to believe that following the rules to fit in is the best option. Add safety risk, whether real or perceived, and it solidifies the belief that there is only one option—to attempt to live according to all the external expectations in order to avoid the stigma associated with being different.
The problem is, attempting to meet all the external expectations doesn't mitigate the stigma‐associated issues it attempts to resolve or avoid. You can try to meet all the external expectations and still be rejected. You can meet all the external rules to qualify for safety yet still be at risk. You could do absolutely everything expected of you and still have your needs denied when what you require doesn't fit into the societal model of acceptability.
Living life on your terms may seem as realistic as a rainbow‐colored unicorn. When you don't see how it could be possible, it is normal to doubt that it is possible at all. But it is possible. I did it after my brain injury when I knew the least about social norms and was the least socially acceptable. Many of my clients have also accomplished living life on their terms to some degree regardless of disability, profession, experience, race, gender, religion, or age. Living life on your terms isn't an all‐or‐nothing thing, and it is possible to some degree for everyone.
Are there external parameters that you still have to work within? Yes. But far fewer than it seems. Those who take the risk of living life on their own terms may struggle more in the short term but live a much happier and healthier life in the long term.
Living life on your terms isn't inherently selfish, and it isn't only about doing grand things that go against what everyone else wants. It is much more simple than that. It is making choices based on you in every moment instead of prioritizing external factors. It is asking for your needs to be met even when it makes someone else uncomfortable. It is wearing the clothes that you want even when it isn't what is in style. It is using your mobility device even when it may attract attention, even judgment. It is doing all of this in line with your own values and goals. While any of the above examples can be done in selfish ways or with disrespect, living life on your terms is doing all of these things in line with your own values and goals, which for most is not going to be intentionally selfish or disrespectful. Choosing you in these little moments is living life on your terms. Conversely, denying yourself in these moments is losing yourself moment by moment, decision by decision to the expectations of others.
Your Choices Set Your Terms
Living life on your terms may seem impossible if it means changing in drastic and lofty ways such as abruptly quitting your job, becoming fully independent, or suddenly not being sensitive to rejection. It may seem impossible if it means not having a part of your life that you can't control such as a disability, familial judgments, or the current state of the economy. Living life on your terms doesn't mean changing in drastic and lofty ways, nor is it denying or attempting to change factors outside of your control. It is made up of subtle yet consistent choices that are within your control and aligned with who you are and what you want.
Living life on your terms doesn't mean changing in drastic and lofty ways, nor is it denying or attempting to change factors outside of your control. It is made up of subtle yet consistent choices that are within your control and aligned with who you are and what you want.
Small actions such as ending a conversation, stimming without shame, or asking for time to process new information without apologizing are all living life on your own terms. Respecting your body's needs rather than pushing through in the name of productivity is living life on your own terms. Taking a call while on a walk or while knitting to improve focus regardless of external judgment is living life on your own terms.
Stimming—or self‐stimulatory behavior—is repetitive body movements or noises. Stimming might include hand and finger movements or whole‐body movements, for example, finger flicking and hand‐flapping, or rocking back and forth while sitting or standing. It could also be repetitive throat clearing or repeating certain sounds or words. While everyone stims, prominent stimming is common among autistic and other neurodivergent people.
Pushing back against unfair expectations and staying true to who you are despite pressure to change is acting on your own terms. Prioritizing your values, goals, and needs consistently in any capacity when the world asks you to prioritize the comfort of others is living life on your own terms. Using masking as a strategy rather than as a go‐to coping skill is living life on your own terms.
While it isn't always easy, especially if you aren't used to it, the cumulative impact of choosing you over external expectations adds up. It strengthens your mental resolve, self‐trust, and confidence, while freeing up mental energy that was previously occupied by constant monitoring of external indicators of acceptability.
Belonging Is the Goal
Advice around building confidence, getting a job, or getting accepted into a group is often based on how to present yourself in line with current standards, how to follow the latest trends, or how to be more like others to be accepted. It is easy, even natural, to think that becoming more like others is the antidote to rejection. After all, doesn't it make sense that fitting in leads to belonging? Except the side effect of becoming more like others is becoming less of yourself. Acting to avoid others' judgments may lead to fitting in but never belonging. Fitting in and belonging are not the same.
Fitting in is conforming to the norms of a group with the hopes of acceptance. The goal is to avoid rejection by improving likeness to others. Alternatively, belonging is finding genuine connection and acceptance by presenting yourself as you truly are. The goal is to be included as your true self, not as someone else expects you to be.
Beyond definition, fitting in and belonging have crucial distinctions.
Fitting in is short‐term; belonging is long‐term.
Fitting in requires constantly monitoring and realigning to the ever‐changing “acceptable” standards. Belonging allows you to be you without conforming or self‐censoring.
Fitting in relies on
modifying
who you are, while belonging relies on
embracing
who you are.
Fitting in prioritizes others' judgments of you, while belonging prioritizes your own values and goals.
Fitting in relies on your ability to maintain the likeness of the group. If it isn't natural, eventually you are likely to show your true self, showing that you don't actually fit in and never did, leading to your inevitable rejection. Belonging isn't based on your presentation or your perfection; it is based on who you are at your core.
Fitting in does not always contradict belonging, and sometimes it has benefits. If you want to go to a formal event, it is reasonable for you to wear appropriate attire and act in an appropriate manner even if it means dressing and acting in ways that are outside of your norm. In situations such as job interviews, it is appropriate to use certain language, avoid certain topics, and present your best even if that is outside of your norm. Funerals, weddings, and religious ceremonies all have specific standards for behavior. In these situations, conforming to the norms of the group is not only expected but respectful. Following some external standards in these situations is not being fake in an attempt to fit in but adapting to the situation. In the short term, this is appropriate. In the short term, this can be done in line with who you are and without losing who you are. It is when attempting to fit in by changing who you are for the long term that it becomes harmful.
Attempting to fit in over the long term requires suppressing parts of yourself permanently. It requires conforming to standards that do not support or allow who you truly are. Attempts to fit in are usually with the goal of eventual belonging but instead make belonging impossible.
Hiding your identity as a result of not being accepted for who you are severely damages your mental health and self‐esteem over time. Fitting in requires knowing what is expected of you, instead of knowing who you are. It leads to a suppression of self that not only erodes your self‐esteem but your sense of self entirely. It isn't just hiding who you are from others but also hiding who you are from yourself.
Worthwhile Changes Are Rarely Easy
To find where you belong requires the exact opposite of what is required to fit in. Belonging in the long term requires showing up as you are. It requires showing the parts of you that may be different from the group. It requires showing the parts of you that are most often rejected. It requires risking rejection from people and environments where you don't belong in order to find the people and environments where you do.
When fitting in is primarily done to avoid rejection, acting in ways that might invite more rejection is not the easy or obvious choice. Beyond the discomfort that can accompany vulnerability, other internal and external barriers exist. Stigma is real. Discrimination is real. Threats to safety are real. Also real is the fact that not every environment is for every person. Nobody likes everybody, just as nobody is liked by everybody. Rejection does not reflect a personal failing but a natural part of being human. Add in the realities of unjust stigma and discrimination, and any rejection can act as a painful reminder that part of you is deemed unacceptable by many.
Years of attempting to conform, to push through, or to hide create inner beliefs that encourage the temporary comfort of fitting in over belonging. These inner beliefs include:
Beliefs that you must people‐please, be perfect, or be hyper‐independent to be accepted;
Beliefs that you will never be accepted, so there is no hope in trying;
Beliefs that you inherently aren't good enough (which can lead to depression, hopelessness, and anxiety).
Acting against these beliefs creates discomfort of its own. There is discomfort in the form of more judgment from others when you stop people‐pleasing and stop conforming to their expectations. There is discomfort in the form of not knowing who you are and a related discomfort of not knowing how to act separate from others' expectations. There is discomfort in the form of fear—one of the strongest discomforts of all. With all of these discomforts it is no wonder that many resort to masking and conforming. While that may feel like the easier or only option, there is a better option. And that is accepting that there will be rejection and discomfort either way and then preparing for the discomfort you will encounter on the only path that leads to true acceptance and belonging.
Understanding where stigma and judgment originate, understanding who you are without stigma and external judgment, and using that knowledge to build strength against rejection is key. By knowing and accepting yourself deeply, you develop a strong sense of self. It is through this process that external judgments start to lose their power. By accepting that people make judgments based on how their own brains work, not based on you, their judgments lose their power. By recognizing someone's judgment as untrue or irrelevant, it hurts less, if at all.
Developing a strong sense of self and strength against rejection isn't easy, but it is possible. The result, even if nothing else in the world changes, is increased confidence, improved mental wellness, and joy, with decreased fear, depression, and insecurity. With an increased sense of self and resistance against rejection, you will view yourself differently, and you will make different choices. Instead of choices based on fear and shame, you will make choices based on confidence and desire. With different actions and beliefs, your world will inevitably change. Stigma, discrimination, and inaccessibility may not change, but how you respond to it and your willingness to tolerate it will.
Pushing through the resistance may seem daunting, but it eventually leads to a life where you no longer find it necessary to hide the parts of you that you used to believe were unacceptable. It can lead to a life where you know you aren't a burden, or broken, or unworthy of acceptance. Sure, you may not perfectly believe those things, but you will start to believe them more often than not. You will find where you belong, and you will realize that you always did.
I strongly believe that stigma and stigma‐led actions, beliefs, and systems can and must change. Much of my work is geared toward helping organizations and leaders make the necessary changes to become more accepting and inclusive of mental and physical differences. While that change is important and ongoing, you do not have to wait for external changes to find peace, joy, and belonging. You can find it now. You deserve to find it now.
2How Belief Systems Shape Identity
HAVE YOU EVER really looked up to somebody and you view everything they do as amazing? Even if they do something less than ideal, you can easily understand, justify, or defend it?
What about on the opposite end of the spectrum, have you ever really disliked somebody, and every single thing they do just reinforces how selfish, disrespectful, or annoying they are? Even if they do something seemingly kind, you just know there is an ulterior motive behind it?
Everybody does this to some degree. You tend to attribute positive meaning to the actions of people you view in high regard and negative meaning to the actions of people you view in low regard. Even if two people do the exact same thing with the exact same intention, it is natural to tie different meanings based on your existing beliefs about the person.
The same principle applies to how you view and judge yourself. If you view yourself as less intelligent than others, you might interpret any mistake as further evidence of your supposed lack of intelligence even if it has nothing to do with intelligence. If you see yourself as forgetful, you might see mistakes as evidence of your forgetfulness even if they had nothing to do with memory. If you believe your worth is dependent on perfection, any mistake may feel like a threat to your self‐image and competence.
If you view yourself as capable overall, you are more likely to not think much of your mistakes, address them quickly, and then move forward without tying meaning to them.
Your self‐assessment is heavily influenced by existing beliefs about yourself, which are heavily influenced by external influences. Your self‐perception is based in part on learned belief systems that taught you what traits and actions were acceptable versus those that weren't. If others accepted you, you learned that you were acceptable. If others consistently criticized or labeled you, you may have internalized that as truth even if it wasn't an accurate reflection of who you are. If you were surrounded by people who believed people with disabilities were weak, helpless, and should be pitied, you may have accepted that belief about yourself. Alternatively, you may have rejected it and acted in defiance of the belief. Either way, external factors including others' judgments and behavior shape self‐perception.
This is exacerbated when you have traits that are commonly stigmatized by society. Stigma, a negative and unfair belief imposed by society on people with characteristics deemed “unacceptable,” can lead to negative views of yourself. Stigma can be strong and run deep throughout entire societies. Stigma will lead you to believe that the stigmatized part of you is unacceptable and should be fixed, removed, or hidden. (I discuss stigma in much more detail in Part II of the book.) While it starts out as a belief external from you, eventually you learn to hide to stay safe from stigma‐based judgments and interactions. The more you hide, the more you wonder whether the belief is true. The more you start to believe that it may be true, the more you start to feel shame. Even if you didn't internalize the belief initially, the act of hiding shows your brain that there is something worthy of hiding. In hiding the stigmatized trait, stigma is reinforced internally whether or not it is ameliorated externally. Whether you logically believe the stigma or not, surviving in a world that makes your safety and acceptance dependent on hiding leads to feelings of shame and a pervasive sense of inadequacy that permeates your identity as a whole.
Belief‐Identity‐Behavior Cycle
Beliefs influence identity, which influences behavior, which influences beliefs, creating a cycle. If you believe you aren't capable of traveling, you will make decisions and take actions to avoid travel, which reinforces your identity as someone who can't travel or doesn't like to travel. You can let the cycle continue as is, or you can choose to change course. By choosing to give your brain new information whether through changing your behavior, identity, or beliefs, the cycle is disrupted. The new behavior challenges old beliefs or creates new beliefs, which influence your identity, which cements the new actions as the preferred actions. If you decided to change your behavior and instead of immediately turning down opportunities to travel, you ask whether there are ways to make it accessible, you then open yourself up to new information and experiences that lead to new beliefs. There are three steps that change any part of the belief‐identity‐behavior cycle: awareness, acceptance, and action.
Awareness:
Develop awareness of the cycle. It is through awareness that you identify the relevant pieces to shift. You may first gain awareness of a behavior that you don't like and then use that to gain awareness of the beliefs and identity that are related. Or you may first identify a belief that is holding you back and use that to identify the related identity and behaviors that enforce that belief. No matter where it starts, awareness is the first step.
Acceptance:
Accept the beliefs, behaviors, and identity that have led to and perpetuated the cycle. Acceptance doesn't mean you are allowing it to continue; it means you aren't judging it and, thereby, not judging yourself. (I discuss more about acceptance and non‐judgment in Part III.) Recognizing each belief, behavior, and identity as it is, and nothing more, puts you in a prime position to start making desired changes.
Action:
Action can be internal or external. Action can be advocacy, taking accountability, changing habits, thoughts, or beliefs, or a combination. Actions do not have to be big to be significant.
Because all parts of the cycle feed off each other, whether you act on your identity, your beliefs, or your behaviors, the cycle will shift. Sometimes it is most effective to poke holes in the beliefs that directly affect the related actions. Sometimes it is most effective to replace a
