Forgettable Jokes for Older Folks E-Book

Martha Bolton

• Herausgeber: BroadStreet Publishing Group, LLC
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2018

Seitenzahl: 89

Beschreibung

Laugh all the way to your next birthday… and beyond! We all age, despite some of our best efforts, but any day above ground is a good day. Why not have a little fun? From well-known comedy writer Martha Bolton comes a refreshing book of jokes for older folks. Topics for laughter include: - senior foibles - doctor visits - grandchildren antics - travel - technology troubles - the good ol' days - ...and many more!Go on, laugh a little! Use this book to unwind, share it with your friends, and smile your way to a brighter outlook on life. After all, a few more laugh lines can't hurt!

Leseprobe

In the first sentences of this book, Martha Bolton explains that funny is supposed to be funny. Its purpose is not to win an argument. It’s not to prove that your political beliefs are more sophisticated than those who hold a different opinion. It’s not an excuse to use language that people may feel uncomfortable listening to. Humor’s purpose is to make people laugh and enjoy. My colleague, Martha Bolton, was always able to uncover that humor, mine it, polish it, and get laughs with it. This book is a great indication of that skill. If you want examples of good, solid, funny comedy, read Martha’s new book, Forgettable Jokes for Older Folks. It’s chock-full of them.

—Gene Perret, three-time Emmy Award winningcomedy writer for Bob Hope, The Carol Burnett Show,and Mama’s Family, and author of over forty books

I would love to go inside Martha Bolton’s brain, but I might get knocked over by all the funny ideas zooming around in there. Martha has written for a host of comedians, including me—going all the way back to when we were both young, had a lot more energy, and no gray hairs to cover up. We’re older now and a lot has changed. Thank God our friendship isn’t one of them.

—Mark Lowry, recording artist,“Mary, Did You Know” lyricist

Martha Bolton can take any topic and turn it into comedy gold. The quantity that she can produce is unmeasurable. The quality she creates is unbelievable.

—Earl Musick, cartoonist, comedian, and speaker

Martha Bolton is a powerhouse joke writer. Her ability to take a single topic and drill down into it for the comedy gold is amazing. It’s like watching a root canal on current events! When you add Martha to an idea, you get loads of funny! She’s got a gift, she’s honed it, and we are all the better for it.

—Rik Roberts, comedian and CEO of School for Laughs

The Bible tells us in Proverbs 7:22 that “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.” Well, lucky for you, our great friend “doctor Martha” has just penned you a priceless 192-page prescription. Be a good patient: read it and get well soon.

—Derrick Tennant, comedian, 14 Sleeves

BroadStreet Publishing® Group, LLC

Savage, Minnesota, USA

BroadStreetPublishing.com

Forgettable Jokes for Older Folks: Jokes You Wish You CouldRemember about Things You Thought You’d Never Forget

Copyright © 2018 Martha Bolton

978-1-4245-5777-6 (softcover)

978-1-4245-5778-3 (e-book)

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Stock or custom editions of BroadStreet Publishing titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, ministry, fundraising, or sales promotional use. For information, please email [email protected].

Cover design by Chris Garborg at garborgdesign.com

Typesetting by Kjell Garborg at garborgdesign.com

Printed in the United States of America

18 19 20 21 22 5 4 3 2 1

To the person, whose name escapes me,

for their unforgettable words,

which I also can’t seem to recall right now.

But whatever they were,

and whoever said them,

they were the inspiration behind this book.

Contents

What’s Funny?

I. IT’S NOT OVER YET

Keeping Up Appearances: Facial and Bodily Changes, Fashion Tips, and More

“Gravity” (To the Tune of “Yesterday”)

Movies for Seniors

More Facial and Bodily Changes, Fashion Tips, and More

The Look of Films to Come

Happy Birthday

Sayings for Senior T-shirts

Senior Definitions

Ideal Recliner Attachments

Suggested Memoir Title

Exercising Your Prerogative

Do the Math

Thou Art What Thou Snacketh Upon

“The Raven-ing”

The Five People You Meet…in a Buffet Line

12-Step Program for Buffet Addicts

Middle Age Fashion Faux Pas

Social Security, Retirement, Part Time Jobs…or Where’d All the Money Go?

Comebacks for Seniors

Ten Commandments for Aging

On the Road Again: Driving, Flying, Cruising, RVs, and More

An Open Letter to Drivers Who Tailgate Us

It Might Be Time to Give up Your Driver’s License If …

Bumper Stickers for Seniors

Flying

In-Flight Announcements You’d Rather Not Hear …

Cruising

You Know You’re at a Cheap Hotel When …

Grumpy Old Men and Women on Vacation

More Senior Movies

Ode to RVs

No One’s Perfect

Hey, Doc!

You Know You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO When …

In-Office Surgical Procedures

Medical Definitions

II. YOU GOTTA LAUGH

Men Versus Women

Woman Getting a Ticket

Bob Hope on Golfing with Presidents

Sports

How’s the Weather?

Birthday Party Games for the Over 50 Crowd

Did You Know …

Menopause

Times Are A-Changing

In the News

California and Earthquakes

Possessions and Fashion

Crime

Tax Cuts

Tax Hikes

Romance, Love, and Marriage

Comedy Great Bob Hope

Watching the Grandchildren

A Joke’s Journey

Bob Hope’s Cue Cards

Comedian Phyllis Diller

Slow Down

Body Language Explained

III. HANG ON—THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

Did You Know?

It’s Not Over Till It’s Over

Longevity of Comics

Attitude Changers

Scripturally Sound

The Senior Soapbox

The Advantages to Hiring Seniors

Emailed Obituary

And the Beat Goes On …

Advantages to Aging

Senior Techy Terms

Computer Signs for Seniors

Politics

Bob Hope on Washington

Bob Hope Introducing Then President George H. W. Bush at a Fundraising Dinner

Bob Hope on Diets

Bob Hope on Air Travel

Bob Hope on Desert Storm

Bob Hope on California Earthquakes

Senior Definitions

Broadway for Seniors

Phrases We Don’t Hear Anymore

Facing Life with Laughter

And Speaking of Exits, Bob Hope May Have Made the Best One …

About the Author

What’s Funny?

Have you ever wondered what happened to the days when comedy was just plain funny? It wasn’t mean-spirited, even if it was a “roast.” Respect was the undertone of the ribbing, and usually the evening was capped off with a genuine tribute. The Dean Martin roasts, the Friars Club roasts, and even Don Rickles would stick to good-natured insults. And it was funny. So much so that even the subject of the jokes would laugh along with everyone else.

What passes for “roasting” today, however, is too often little more than a barrage of mean-spirited, agenda-driven “jokes,” without filter or tact. They seem to forget that roasts are reserved for people who are admired, loved, and respected. Otherwise, the “roast” becomes uncomfortable for everyone—the audience and the people on the dais. The guest of honor is unfairly berated and perhaps even responds in kind. The whole affair can do comedy a disservice. And too often it ends up on the evening news.

Remember the days when comedy was neither mean-spirited, nor agenda-driven? It was fun to listen, to laugh, and to tear up during the final tribute. Even political satirists were even-handed when dishing out their humor. Comedians like Bob Hope, Johnny Carson, Mark Russell, and going all the way back to Will Rogers and Mark Twain were not motivated by their personal opinions. Their goal was simply to make their audiences laugh. Republicans, Democrats, Independents—it didn’t matter. The comics were equal opportunity jokesters. People of all political leanings would likely be in their audience, and they joked about them all.

Remember the days when marital humor was covered by the likes of Lucille Ball, Jackie Gleason, George Burns, Gracie Allen, and so many other talents? Regardless of what they said, their humor was grounded in love, tolerance, and respect.

For family life humor, we had Dick Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore, Danny Thomas, Ozzie and Harriet, The Brady Bunch, or we could just Leave it to Beaver. Later, there was Sanford and Son, Everybody Loves Raymond, Family Matters, and so many others. Even The Addams Family and The Munsters gave families plenty to laugh about.

For the foibles of life there was Bob Newhart, Rodney Dangerfield, Milton Berle, Sid Caesar, and a host of others who could make us guffaw at the drop of a punchline. For pure zaniness, there was Jerry Lewis, Phyllis Diller, Jonathan Winters, and Robin Williams. Domestic complaints? Joan Rivers. Senior life and friendship? The Golden Girls. Small town? Andy Griffith and Don Knotts.

Some comics didn’t need words to make us laugh. Talents such as Red Skelton or Harpo Marx proved that. Some delivered their comedy through other means, like ventriloquist Edgar Bergen and his sidekick, Charlie McCarthy.

There are far too many talented comedians and comic actors of yesteryear to list them all here, but in my opinion, they all had one thing in common. Their comedy was the kind that made you feel good afterwards. You thought about your own problems a little less. You laughed along with people of opposing political beliefs and different life experiences, and it didn’t matter. Not one iota. Barriers were dropped, not erected. Hearts were opened a little, not slammed shut.

I miss those comedians and television shows.

Some of today’s comics do understand the gift those legendary talents gave us, and they try to replicate that brand of comedy. They know that life is tough for everybody and that humor is powerful and a necessity in life, medicinal even, so they use it conscientiously. They realize we all want to laugh. We all need to laugh—especially these days. They understand a comic’s job isn’t to create more pain for anyone. Humor’s most noble and greatest mission is simply this: to make us all laugh. Preferably together.

Martha Bolton

I

IT’S NOT OVER YET

KEEPING UP APPEARANCES

Facial and Bodily Changes, Fashion Tips, and More

I’m comfortable in my own skin. Why shouldn’t I be? It’s not that tight of a fit.

I wear a size 12, but my skin’s a size 14. It’s like one too many people told me to hang loose.

When they talk about getting your swag on, I don’t think this is what they meant.

Do you know what it’s like to roll up your sleeves and realize you’re not wearing any?

Some days I look in the mirror and think I’m growing my own turtleneck.

My mother had a neck like this. I had no idea it was contagious.

Wrinkles? My face has seen more lines than the unemployment office.

They say wrinkles tell a story. If that’s true, my forehead is a mini-series.

I’d wear bangs, but I have a hard-enough time keeping my forehead out of my eyes.

It’s a bad day when you reach up to take your sun visor off only to realize it was just your eyelids dropping into your line of vision.

My eyebrows are drooping down so low in front of my eyes—I can pluck them without using a mirror.

I believe gravity has gained weight.

Just ask yourself: Is it harder for

you to get up from a sitting position

these days? More difficult for you

to climb out of bed in the morning?