From Pain 2 Purpose E-Book

Duane & Cindy Mullett

• Herausgeber: BroadStreet Publishing Group, LLC
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2021

Seitenzahl: 270

Beschreibung

Recover from grief and reclaim the joy of life.   You may have recently suffered the loss of a loved one, a job, a home, or a business. Or perhaps you're rebuilding after a painful divorce. Major losses like these can sap the joy out of life, trapping you in pain.                 Authors Duane and Cindy Mullett have experienced tragic loss and understand the meaning of suffering. Together with Dr. David Ferguson, they detail a tried-and-true journey from grief to recovery. With interactive prompts and exercises to help process loss and forge ahead, From Pain 2 Purpose empowers readers to: - receive comfort for past losses, - find healing for broken hearts, - build your spiritual strength, - rediscover emotional wholeness, and - enjoy greater peace of mind.  Embark on your path to recovery and let the hope of God's promises unlock a renewed sense of purpose for your life and future.  

Leseprobe

From Pain 2 Purpose is such a timely book for these dark times in which we live. My earnest prayer is that God uses it as a light to those who find themselves in the frightening shadow of despair.

Ray Comfort, co-host of an award-winning TV show, movie producer, and author of more than ninety books

From Pain 2 Purpose is a powerful book that strikes a cord regarding the human condition. We all experience pain, some at a deep level. Bearing their souls to tell their story, the Mullets give hope for people suffering all types of pain. The resounding yes of this book is the hope that it offers, even in the midst of the most tragic times.

Jay and Laura Laffoon, founders of Celebrate Ministries, speakers, and authors of numerous books, including Celebrate Your Marriage

There is counsel that comes from a book; it is helpful, clinical, and provides good information. There is also counsel that comes from a classroom; it is filled with wisdom and instruction. Then there is counsel that comes from the one who has walked where you are walking; been there, done that, you can survive, you can thrive, you can know joy again. From Pain 2 Purpose was written by a couple who have tasted the bitterness of loss and have chosen to take others by the hand and walk them through it. If your pain has stolen your sense of purpose, you really ought to consider allowing Duane and Cindy Mullett to share their walk through pain. You will realize you are not alone, and it will help you focus your eyes on the light at the end of your tunnel.

Michael Gantt, Michael Gantt Ministries, author, pastor, speaker, missionary

From Pain 2 Purpose is an honest reflection of a mother and father’s struggle with the death of their sixteen-year-old son and the years of prolonged suffering he endured starting at five months of age. The entire family struggled with years of hospital visits, heart transplants, and then, to add to the battle, a bout with cancer. More suffering than anyone should have to endure! But they also share a path to healing and purpose, giving readers a method of “holding on...and letting go,” using God’s Word as the perfect teaching tool. This book is also structured to be helpful for a small group experience in healing from other loses, such as a job loss or divorce. The road for Duane and Cindy was not easy, but they have traveled it successfully. Thank you for sharing your story so others can heal.

Elaine Kennelly, author of Finding Peace After a Suicide Loss: Healing Truths for Those Not Yet Healed

The best reads are written from a place of deep experience. From Pain 2 Purpose is one of those heart-searching reads. It searches deep into the pain of loss, and teaches a clear path of redemption toward finding true purpose in pain and loss. Grieving the deep feelings of the heart over what is lost is never easy, but it can be redemptive. Thank you, Mulletts, for sharing your vulnerability and journey with all of us so we can move toward healing.

Stephen Stutzman, counselor, teacher, conference speaker, and founder and director of Strait Paths Foundation

We often equate brokenness to worthlessness, but in God’s economy, something broken is most precious! Naturally, we run away from it, but God is drawn to it. When we invite the Healer into our brokenness, he makes beauty out of ashes. The Mullett family is a walking testimony of that. We’ve seen Duane and Cindy caring for those who are walking through painful times. They are genuine in their love and compassion for others. Knowing the deepness of the Father’s love through walking their own journey of loss and unique situations, they pass that on in a way few people can. From Pain 2 Purpose is one way the Mulletts share what they have learned so that others can benefit.

Amos and Margaret Raber, ByGrace Ministries, authors, co-pastors, musicians, artists

Duane and Cindy write about grief and pain with a depth of understanding that could only be born from their own journey through pain. They share their story with a raw vulnerability that will move readers to tears, but the final message is one of redemptive purpose. Rather than empty clichés, the authors offer proven, biblical advice for anyone looking to take the first steps toward healing. I believe this book will be a valued resource for individuals and groups who need help navigating their own journey From Pain 2 Purpose.

Andrew Weaver, author, teacher

BroadStreet Publishing® Group, LLC

Savage, Minnesota, USA

BroadStreetPublishing.com

From Pain 2 Purpose: The Process of Recovering from Major Loss

Copyright © 2021 Duane and Cindy Mullett and the Great Commandment Network

978-1-4245-6252-7 (softcover)

978-1-4245-6253-4 (e-book)

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Unless indicated otherwise, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188, USA. All rights reserved. Some quotations from the NLT come from the 1996 edition, and these have been noted with parenthesis (NLT*) and are used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers. Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.®. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible®, copyright © 1960, 1971, 1977, 1995, 2020 by The Lockman Foundation. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked TLB are taken from The Living Bible, copyright © 1971 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked GW are taken from GODS’S WORD Translation, copyright © 1995, 2003, 2013, 2014, 2019, 2020 by God’s Word to the Nations Mission Society. All rights reserved.

Stock or custom editions of BroadStreet Publishing titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, ministry, fundraising, or sales promotional use. For information, please email [email protected].

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This book is lovingly dedicated in memory of our son, Austin, and to Dave and Becky Bellis’s daughter, Denise. You are forever in our hearts, and both of you are continuing to impact many lives through your passing. We love you and will see you soon.

Contents

Introduction

1I Can’t Let Go!

2How Long Will This Grief Journey Take?

Section One

There Is Comfort for You to Receive

3What a Broken Heart Needs

Assignment: What Kind of God Do You See?

4A Backlog of Hurts

Assignment: A Chart of Past Hurts

Section Two

There Are Promises for You to Claim

5“God, Don’t You Care?”

Assignment: “Can You Hear Me Now?”

Assignment: Can You Hear Him Calling You?

6Facing the “Guilt” and Regrets of Our Loss

Assignment: If Only and Not Enough

7The Power to Live in the Present

Assignment: Taking Hold of Forgiveness

8Facing the Good and Not So Good about Our Loved One

Assignment: Verbalize the Good

Assignment: Forgive as You’ve Been Forgiven

9Feeling Uncertain about the Future

10In Good Hands

Assignment: A Matter of Trust

Section Three

There Is a Purpose God Wants to Reveal

11For What Purpose?

12Goodbye and Hello

Assignment: Sharing My Progress

Section Four

Other Losses

13The Journey of Recovery from Other Losses

Loss of a Job

Loss of a Relationship Due to Divorce

Loss Following a Natural Disaster

Loss of Physical Health

Loss Due to Sexual Abuse

Pain 2 Purpose Group Leaders Guide

Appendix 1 About the Great Commandment Network

Appendix 2 A Spirit-Empowered Faith

Appendix 3 A Spirit-Empowered Disciple

Endnotes

Acknowledgments

About the Authors

Introduction

From Pain 2 Purpose is designed to bring a fresh perspective to what it means to recover from major loss and heal unresolved grief. The goal of this resource is to help you move beyond knowing and understanding the need to “press on” and move toward what it means to persevere in tribulation, grieve with hope, and trust in the Lord (1 Thessalonians 4:13; Romans 12:12; Psalm 9:10). As you will see, when you deepen your own experience of God’s love and care, you will be better equipped to let go of any unresolved grief and hold onto the hope of our Savior. You will stand more firmly on the truth that our hope is in him (Psalm 62:5).

This resource is also about relationships—the relationship with yourself, a relationship with a loved one you may have lost, your relationship with a trusted journey partner, and your relationship with Jesus. This kind of focus requires a relational faith—because it is only that kind of faith that produces hope and freedom.

In order to fully illustrate what a relational faith includes, we have defined forty different Spirit-empowered outcomes and categorized them into four themes (see Appendices 2 and 3). A Spirit-empowered disciple:

•Loves the Lord (L1–10): Here you will find specific times for expression of your love for Jesus and experience his care for you.

•Lives His Word (W1–10): These moments will equip you in how to live out specific Scriptures from God’s Word.

•Loves People (P1–P10): These outcomes are specifically noted within the text but are also reflected throughout the personal assignments you complete on your own and then share with your journey partner. It’s in these moments you will both give and receive care because of your connection with God’s people.

•Lives His Mission (M1–10): These outcomes reflect the testimony of hope that will be yours as you complete the journey within this resource. After you have come to a greater place of healing, you will be better equipped to share Jesus’ love with others and live out your purpose of telling others about the one who lives inside of you.

And each Spirit-empowered outcome will be noted with the following symbol:

Our world needs more people living as Spirit-empowered disciples who are making disciples who, in turn, make disciples. Thus, From Pain 2 Purpose rightly focuses on the powerful simplicity of…

•Receiving God’s love for us and then gratefully expressing our love to him in return.

•Living his Word—because there’s power and possibility in experiencing Scripture.

•Loving people by developing a lifestyle of vulnerability and genuine faith with other believers.

•Living his mission, which means building a lasting legacy as you share Jesus’ hope with others.

As you read through this resource, we invite you to walk:

•In the light of God’s Son as you Encounter Jesus (see John 8:12 and the corresponding headings)

•In the light of God’s Word as you Experience Scripture (see Psalm 119:105 and the corresponding headings)

•In the light of God’s people as you Engage in Fellowship through vulnerably sharing with your journey partner (see Matthew 5:14)

We encourage you to find a trusted friend, family member, counselor, pastor, or small group member who will become your designated journey partner as you work through this resource. Since we are better equipped to walk in the light when we are accompanied by God’s people, and because it is not good for us to be alone, we consider it critical for you to have at least one person who will walk with you in this grief journey (Genesis 2:18). We’ll be praying for God’s provision of at least one trusted person who will listen and care.

You will also find a Pain 2 Purpose Group Leaders Guide at the end of this book. It is our hope that you and/or your journey partner might so benefit from the biblical truths of this resource that you gratefully pass them on to others. The Pain 2 Purpose Group Leaders Guide provides a suggested outline for facilitating this resource with members of a small group.

Finally, the Great Commandment Network’s resource development team serves various partners as they work faithfully to equip others in a lifestyle of hope and healing. Towards this goal, we are thrilled to serve our ministry partners, Duane and Cindy Mullett. We hope the sections identified as Encounter Jesus, Experience Scripture, and Engage in Fellowship will provide you with a hope-filled path to purpose. May Jesus richly bless each person who makes the journey From Pain 2 Purpose.

Terri Snead

Executive Editor

Great Commandment Network

1

I Can’t Let Go!

“Something’s wrong, Duane. Austin is barely breathing!”

I (Cindy) was seated up front in the motorhome holding my five-month-old son. He had just gone to sleep when his body suddenly went completely limp in my arms. Alarmed, I shook him gently. “Austin! Austin! Wake up!” I cried. No response. He quit breathing. Now fighting panic, I started to blow in his face to get him to breathe, but there was still no response. Duane, my husband, was driving. He made an immediate U-turn and headed straight back to the only place he knew to go: the doctor’s office we had just left. We were in Columbia, South Carolina, in the midst of a ministry tour. Duane was part of a singing group, and I assisted at the ministry’s resource table. The day before, we were to conduct an evening church event, and I had noticed that little Austin had been sleeping a lot during the day. As the day wore on, I noticed he looked a bit pale. By evening Austin’s breathing became faster, and he was fussier than normal. He also began running a low-grade fever.

The following morning, we took Austin to an urgent care facility where a doctor diagnosed an ear infection and put our baby on an antibiotic. He attributed his rapid breathing to the fever. Encouraged that Austin’s condition was not serious, we confidently headed out of town for another meeting that evening.

But now in emergency mode, we were racing back to the doctor. By now Austin’s eyes were rolling back into his head and his little fingernails were turning blue. I opened the window and held his face close to it to give him as much oxygen as possible.

Duane took the first exit off the interstate, but seeing Austin’s deteriorating condition, he realized that we would not reach the doctor’s office in time. Abandoning all caution, he jumped a curb to get to a gas station. Taking Austin from my arms, he rushed inside the building.

“Please call 911!” he cried in panic to the clerk. As the clerk dialed the number, I heard Duane cry out desperately, “O Lord, help us! Please save Austin!” When the 911 operator came on the line, Duane quickly explained the situation to her. She began asking him questions. “Can anyone there perform CPR?”

No one could.

“Do the best you can to keep him breathing,” she said. “Help is on the way.”

I had followed Duane into the store and watched helplessly as he laid Austin on the counter and began trying to give him CPR. Neither Duane nor I had ever been trained in CPR, but Duane did the best he could. He pressed repeatedly on Austin’s tiny chest and blew into his mouth, attempting to inflate his lungs. Thankfully, Austin began to revive a bit.

An ambulance arrived quickly. As the driver and young male medic loaded Austin into the ambulance, a female paramedic I had not previously seen said she was going with me. Without another word, she ushered me into the ambulance, which immediately rushed toward the hospital. Duane followed behind in the motorhome.

Minutes after the journey began, Austin’s condition warranted a Code Blue. Frantic with fear, I watched in helpless horror as my baby’s body began to shut down. For some reason, the male medic froze up. He seemed paralyzed, as if in shock, unable to do anything. Immediately the woman took charge. “Mama,” she said, looking straight at me, “Talk to your baby. Touch him. Let him know you are there. He needs to hear your voice!” Even as she spoke, her hands were flying back and forth between Austin and the equipment in the ambulance. She seemed to know exactly what to do to support Austin as he kept going in and out of consciousness. She kept working, and I kept talking to Austin all the way to the hospital.

When the ambulance arrived, the medical staff took Austin straight to the ICU. After both Duane and I had endured several hours of anxious, prayerful waiting, a doctor came out and gave us the diagnosis. “Austin has cardiomyopathy, which is an enlarging of the heart.”

“What caused it?” I asked.

“A virus, most likely. We’re not sure,” the doctor replied. “But one thing is certain; the damage to your baby’s heart is so extensive that it will not sustain his life much longer. He will need a heart transplant—and soon.”

Duane and I stood speechless. Finally, Duane spoke up.

“Can we see our son?”

The doctor nodded and led us into the ICU.

A devastating sight met our eyes. Our tiny son was hooked up to a whole array of machines. He was on a ventilator with multiple IVs and monitors attached to him. He was fully sedated so that he couldn’t move. It would be seven days before I could even hold Austin again.

Prior to this I would have said I had a perfect life. I was seventeen years old when I first saw Duane. He was twenty-two and performing as a guitarist and vocalist in a Christian singing group. Duane was good looking, had a wonderful singing voice, and he came across as a gentle kind of guy.

Two years later I got a secretarial job at the same ministry office where Duane worked. Though Duane and I chatted from time to time, I really didn’t think he was that interested in me. But he was. Eventually he asked me out, and after a year-long courtship, we got married. Like any young bride, I had utopian dreams for our life together. I wanted a large, happy family that would travel together in Christian service, singing and ministering the gospel to those who needed it most. After two years of marriage, our son Austin was born. I felt like I had the perfect family. I was serving God with the love of my life and nurturing a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I didn’t think it could get any better than that. Then this happened. And I had no idea that “this” was only the beginning of an emotional roller coaster ride with Austin being in and out of the hospital for years, our daughter also needing a heart transplant, and many other severe health issues. Then came the devastating blow: the death of our only son.

The Faces of Grief

If you have just suffered a major loss, you have probably begun the emotional roller coaster ride of feeling your own grief. Your grief—which descends on you as overwhelming feelings of loss—can reveal itself through several faces that can leave you suffering in any number of ways. Here are a few.

Suffering a major loss can leave you with a broken heart.

When you say you are heartbroken, you may be using a metaphor, but what you are experiencing is real suffering and grief. Heartbreak over a major loss causes excruciating pain. Overwhelming grief can make it hard to breathe. It can leave you physically and emotionally exhausted.

Suffering a major loss can leave you struggling spiritually with a lot of unanswered questions.

Major losses usually make no sense—the loss of a home caused by fire, natural disasters, the divorce between two people who once loved each other, the death of a loved one, or a global tragedy like the coronavirus pandemic of 2020 that brought financial disaster, uncertainty, and loss to so many. It all seems so cruel, wrong, and unfair. You may even question where God is during all this. That’s a natural response. Tragic losses tend to cause fear and shake one’s faith.

Suffering a major loss can leave you feeling lost, alone, and incomplete.

Grieving a deep loss can also shake you at the very core of your being. Suffering a loss, especially the loss of a loved one, can make you feel that a part of you has been torn away. It can seem like your loss has left a hole in your heart. You may even feel a loss of identity, a sense of incompleteness, and the feeling that you are no longer a whole person. Emotionally disconnected, you may feel adrift, without an emotional anchor.

Suffering a major loss can leave you deprived of emotional peace of mind.

Grieving can cause emotional distress. Disheartened, you may feel an inward discontentment and frustration. You may find it difficult to rest or sleep. The gnawing ache in your soul can sap the joy and peace out of life.

Suffering a major loss can leave you with a clouded sense of purpose.

Grief-stricken, heartbroken, and disheartened, it’s hard to imagine how to move forward in life after a major loss. Life may seem colorless. You may feel enveloped in an atmosphere of gloom, and it’s hard to see past it. Tomorrow may show up, but it doesn’t feel much like it offers you a meaningful future.

Rationally, you may know you must somehow move forward. Yet emotionally, the fog you’re in may feel too overwhelming to try. If only you could reverse time and avoid the need to grieve. But you can’t.

When our Austin died, what we personally needed as a family were the same things most people who are suffering a major loss need in order to move forward in life. Those common needs are healing of a broken heart, spiritual strength, a renewed sense of wholeness, emotional peace of mind, and a renewed sense of purpose. While all of that is eventually possible, none of us has been prepared in advance to obtain it. In fact, many get bogged down in their grief and find it very difficult to move forward.

Take the next few moments to stop and give yourself the time and emotional space to reflect on this question: What do you most need in order to move forward in life? Do you need more healing for your broken heart? A renewed sense of wholeness? More peace? A renewed sense of purpose? Or something else? Consider the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 and write your reflections below.

EXPERIENCE SCRIPTURE

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

JEREMIAH 29:11

Lord, as I begin this journey from pain to purpose, I want this promise of a “future and a hope” to be real in my life. I am asking you to make it so.

In order to move forward in life, I need…

I‘m trusting you for a fresh future and renewed hope.

W10. A Spirit-empowered disciple has an implicit, unwavering trust that his Word will never fail.

Unresolved Grief

Experiencing losses is a part of life. They should be expected, yet it is not easy to anticipate or cope with them. As a child, you may have suffered the loss of friendships, losses in sporting events, the loss of a pet, or even the devastating loss that came from your parents’ divorce. While such losses are inevitable in a fallen world, we seem unprepared to deal with them adequately. It seems we must find ways of coping with them even as we face them.

You or someone you know may have recently experienced a loss—the loss of health, the loss of a friend or family member through death, the loss of a job, loss of a business, the loss of financial stability, a loss due to a divorce, or the loss of a home through a natural disaster. In each case, that loss, whether small or great, causes grief and pain.

For example, so many have felt the impact of COVID-19. It has clearly left a lasting scar on America and the world. Douglas Brinkley, historian and author at Houston’s Rice University, stated that the pandemic was “a seismic event in U.S. history that will be recalled for generations to come.”1 The world will undoubtedly feel the resulting disruption and grief many years from now.

No one in their right mind wants to experience grief, but in this life, it is unavoidable. So, what do we do with the inevitable pain? For some, the tendency may be to overmedicate the hurt, rush through it, or try to ignore it by burying it deep inside. While the unaddressed pain may remain under the surface for a while, it will eventually come out and bring even greater pain in the future. If we do not grieve our losses in healthy and productive ways, we experience what is called “unresolved grief” or, sometimes, “complicated grief.” This kind of grief eats at our emotional and relational lives and can leave us perpetually empty and alone to the point where we feel unable to move forward in life. Many people feel the pain of their loss, yet because their grief is unresolved, they get stuck in it. Their grieving produces more pain, and rather than diminishing over time, it only worsens. A person with unresolved grief is unable to move forward into a “new normal” and robbed of the abundant life that’s described in John 10:10.

Some time ago in a group session for those who had experienced a loss, participants were asked what they hoped they would get out of the meetings. One woman said: “I lost my husband several years ago and don’t know how to move forward. It’s hardly any different today than it was the week I lost him. I guess I’m stuck and don’t know what to do. I want to get unstuck.”

Another person responded: “My sister was murdered a few years ago, and I’m very angry with God. I have no peace of mind, and I feel terrible most of the time. I want some relief.”

A widower said: “I lost my wife last year, and I feel lost. I’m not sure who I am now. I don’t know what to do with all my pain. I want to move forward, but how in the world do I do that?”

These people are suffering from unresolved grief. They, like many of us, don’t know what to do with their painful feelings. Professional counselors tell us that upwards of 85 percent of all of our struggles to move forward in life after a major loss directly relate to unresolved grief.2 In other words, if we don’t learn to process our grief in a productive way, it can cripple us emotionally and relationally for a long, long time. In and of themselves, grief and suffering don’t have value. What brings value and healing out of our suffering and pain is what we do with our grief—how we process it in order to move forward.

What Do I Need to Move Forward?

First, if you are suffering a recent loss, you may not even be interested in moving forward right now. It may feel like it’s too early and too painful to even think of that. Because whether you’ve lost a child, a spouse, a sibling, or dear friend, you’d rather focus on wishing you had the loved one back than on how to move on without him or her. If you’ve experienced the loss of a dream, health, or hoped-for future, your loss may have such strong ties to that future that it’s difficult to imagine any other possible outcome. There is nothing wrong with those feelings. They are to be expected. We cannot turn ourselves around on a dime when our lives have long been intertwined with another person or when we have lost a cherished dream.

So, to one who has just experienced a major loss, the idea of moving forward may feel premature. Or, to those who feel stuck, the effort required to pull oneself out of the mire may feel overwhelming. Grief can be all consuming, especially unresolved grief. The thought of moving forward toward a future that is different from what you had hoped may feel utterly impossible. And the thought of moving forward in life without your loved one may feel unacceptable. You may feel that getting beyond your pain of loss is being disloyal to your loved one.

I felt that way about Austin.

When I lost my sixteen-year-old son, every fiber of my being cried out for him. My motherly instinct wanted to hold my boy and never let him go. To leave Austin’s lifeless body and walk out of the hospital that day was one of the hardest things I ever did. Before the casket was closed at the funeral, I ran my fingers through Austin’s hair and repeatedly kissed his cheek. I didn’t want to leave him. It didn’t seem right to imagine life without him. Duane gently held me close and whispered softly, “We are only saying goodbye for now.” That may be a good perspective, but it was of little consolation to me at the time.

My dear Austin was gone, and I resisted the thought of him not being with me. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. My mind and emotions rejected even the notion of death. I believe in a God who offers eternal life, and the whole idea of death felt so wrong. So placing Austin’s lifeless body in a grave and leaving him there wasn’t emotionally acceptable. None of our family was really prepared to let Austin go and for him not to be a part of our lives.

We found, however, that on one level, it was not necessary to emotionally let go of Austin in order to move forward and find a new normal. Yes, he was physically gone, and accepting that hard, irrevocable fact took a major adjustment. Yet we found that we could move forward while holding tightly to precious treasures like our love and precious memories of our son. Those who love another person deeply are never required to leave that love behind as they move into the future. The same is true for you. It is not necessary for you ever to let go of the love and memories of the one you have lost. But what each of us needs is to discover how to address any unresolved grief that tries to embed itself in our heart.

At first, our grief simply feels like grief. We don’t necessarily label it as unresolved or complicated grief. Our love for the one we lost may, for the moment, be deeply entwined with the grief we are feeling. It’s like our pain and our love for that person are wedded together. Subconsciously, we may fear that letting go of any pain caused by our loss and moving forward with lessened grief is paramount to disrespecting the deep love we have for the departed person. Emotionally, it may not seem possible to let go of the grief without letting go of the love. And we surely don’t want to let go of that love. So we tend to hold on to both without even realizing it. Our love and all our grief may for a time seem inseparable.

It is proper and healthy to grieve. It is an important part of the healing process. It hurts because there is a hole in our hearts where our loved ones once lived. They are gone, and we miss them terribly. And that hurts. But it is a pure and healthy hurt. The pain of our loss will remain as long as the hole is there. But that doesn’t mean our memories of our loved one are forever marred by our loss. In fact, the joy we begin to feel in reliving good memories is an indication that healing is occurring.

Today we have fond and happy memories of Austin. We laugh about his antics and the practical jokes he used to play on us. On some level, he is still part of our family emotionally even though he is not physically present. And the memories, while precious, are still bittersweet because he is not literally with us. Of course, we believe one day we will be reunited with him, and then God “will wipe every tear from [our] eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain” (Revelation 21:4). But until then, we are able to endure the pain, move forward in life, and establish a new normal without Austin.