How To Teach E-Book

Phil Beadle

• Herausgeber: Crown House Publishing
• Kategorie: Bildung
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2010

Beschreibung

How to Teach is the most exciting, most readable, and most useful teaching manual ever written. It is not the work of a dry theorist. Its author has spent half a lifetime working with inner city kids and has helped them to discover an entirely new view of themselves. This book lets you into the tricks of the trade that will help you to do the same, from the minutiae of how to manage difficult classes through to exactly what you should be looking for when you mark their work. How to Teachcovers everything you need to know in order to be the best teacher you can possibly be.

Leseprobe

PRAISE FOR HOW TO TEACH

“Beadle is of course a ‘one-off’ charismatic and, so some would say, inimitable teacher. But here he puts together a rich array of delightful insights into the art of teaching in such a way that everybody will be able to take something to shape their own practice. It’s one for the staff library and a must-read for all new teachers.”

Sir Tim Brighouse, Visiting Professor at the Institute of Education London

“Teaching is one of the most cognitively engaging, emotionally draining, and physically demanding occupations there is. In fact, it is such a complex job that one life-time is not enough to master it, which is what makes it such a wonderful career. No matter whether you are a beginning teacher or a 20-year veteran, one can always get better at it, and this book is a great resource for helping in that journey. Beginning teachers will find lots of useful advice about this incredibly hard job; practical, sure, but also realistic about what is achievable in typical classrooms. And even the grizzled classroom veteran will find something new, or at least a new way of looking at old things, here. And this book is funny. It is laugh-out-loud, embarass-yourself-in-public funny. Every teacher should read it (in private).”

Professor Dylan Wiliam, Deputy Director, Institute of Education, University of London

“Shocking stories, fruity language, stand-up humour, gruesome anecdotes, and politically-incorrect hints – Phil Beadle takes the ‘horrible histories’ approach to the how-to-teach manual. The result is a funny, informative, practical and realistic book overflowing with memorable, cut-out-and-keep, easy-to-follow tips. Reading this book will be a whole lot more fun than your first teaching practice – and more valuable too. Beadle is the wise, but mischievous, old lag in the corner of the staffroom – pull up a chair and wonder at his stories of survival. They could save your teaching career.”

Mike Baker, BBC News/The Guardian

“Here’s the book that tells you everything that traditional teacher training courses don’t – why ‘pens down’ and ‘bags on the floor’ may be the most important words you’ll ever utter, how to build the respect of a class, how to survive those challenging first few days (or years) as a fledgling teacher. Conveyed with astringent honesty and directness, Phil Beadle’s classroom wisdom cuts through the jargon and psychobabble of too many guides for teachers. His book is an intoxicating, often hilarious, and deeply wise reminder of why being a teacher can – if you get the essential ingredients right – be one of the most rewarding jobs in the world.”

Geoff Barton, Headteacher, King Edward VI School

“I have been in education all my life.

“I learned first from my mother and father and, to some extent, from my three elder siblings. Subsequently, I attended schools from the age of three until my eighteenth year, college for three years and then commenced a somewhat chequered career as an educator. You would think that, by this ripe period of my middle three score years, I should know the craft... and I thought I did until I read this publication, the Phil Beadle Bible.

“Life is a learning journey and I thrive on learning. Google is possibly one of the greatest innovations for the learner that history has seen. I no longer have to go to the library and borrow three or five or seven tomes that are probably already three years or more out of date, in order to research new material for a customised conference or keynote speech. I now boot the P.C. and consult my pal, Google and he fills my mind with new knowledge and understanding.

“In the dawning days of this academic year Google enhanced my learning on language and words. I learned fascinating things about the number of words that different categories of human beings probably know and I learned how to find out how many words I probably know, which would appear to be in the region of 33,850! In addition, I learned that, to some extent, the nature / nurture debate with regard to the genders has been resolved with the determination to different behaviours (given that there is a continuum along which we all fall) from the moment the xx chromosomes divide to form the xy. Yet I still did not know what I did not know.

“This book is hilarious. It is controversial and it is irreverent. It provokes and, at times, it shocks, but above all it teaches. It exudes information, ideas and tips – some of which are tried and tested over the aeons of historic and emergent pedagogy and others which are new and amazingly enlightening and empowering. Like most professionals, I may not have used it all, I may have adapted and personalised strategies and techniques, yet the courage and wisdom of so much of How To Teach would undoubtedly have honed my craft in ways that can only be imagined. And it is all in one, personal, publication that I can carry with me. Unlike my Google, it can be annotated and highlighted, pages can be held by Post-its, passages can be underlined and items can be asterisked. It will become the teacher’s ‘best friend’, a source of support and wisdom as the practitioner develops and refines his or her skills and expertise in this great craft of teaching.

“How I wish that I had had the full extent of this knowledge when I was in the classroom!”

Rosalind H. V. Wilson, Education Consultant, Andrell Education Ltd

“This book is that rare thing in education. Readable. Hugely readable. And necessary. Hugely necessary. It’s also hip, sharp, sussed, funny and extremely practical – a scintillating, pedagogical romp, written by someone who knows. You want to be a ‘phenomenal’ teacher? Not just ‘mediocre’? Well, this is indeed your bible.

“It’s a happy mix of the idealistic and the tough. There are no short cuts to success. It’s very hard graft. But get the basics right and the rest will follow. Get them wrong and you’re toast. Teaching, for Beadle, is ‘a performance art’. Dullness is not an option and his judgements are severe. Bore the kids and ‘it becomes their moral responsibility to misbehave’.

“Oo –er! How to prevent this? With fierce subject knowledge, much passion and Beadle’s Top Teaching Tips. These are many, detailed, inventive and practical.

“‘Sweat the small stuff and the big stuff don’t happen’.

“Small stuff like ‘Turn up. Take the punches. Smile back.’ There’s hardcore wisdom about seating plans and hands up and shutting up (you not them) and the horrors of detentions (yours not theirs) and the need to get tough on gum and crisps and pens and not to be scared to cultivate your inner sadist. The section on the gradational levels of confrontation is a belter. You need to develop an extensive repertoire – from the Pinter pause, the mono brow, the micro nod, the eye narrow raise, to the ‘extremely useful’ borderline psychosis. Ho hum. He is Stalinist with marking and after reading about Cerise you will be too.

“He dismantles the Victorian classroom.

“‘Desks are the enemies of learning’.

“He dismantles the teacher-led discussion. Children turn off after about seven minutes. It took me years to get this. They learn in groups – and in permutations of groups. They learn by DOING things. He’s right! This section is again full of detailed, brilliantly classroom tactics. Apply these and ‘the classroom’s your playground’.

“You’re now ready to be yourself. Passionate, larky, creative, risky – and to see off Ofsted and their often dreary criteria.

“These exhausting rigours are all in the service of the greater good – to teach children. ‘Remember, it is for them you want to be a good teacher.’ Beadle emphasises their fragility, their continuously threatened self-esteem, their daily humiliations. So many have had so much of this. They don’t want more in the classroom. Especially working class children – especially white working class boys. Beadle ‘gets’ these often naughty boys and knows that education is their only weapon, their only break. The book respects children throughout without any tacky sentiment. ‘All children’, we are reminded, ‘lie’. And ‘all children are special needs’.

“Teaching, for Beadle is not a vocation for the idle, the craven, pansy liberals or, I’m afraid, north London social workers – or even Accrington Stanley fans. The rest of you should get it. This is the Knowledge. It’s necessary. It’s often hilarious. It works. For the new teacher it is indeed the Bible. And for old lags – I taught for thirty-five years and if I’d read this book I would have been so much better.”

Ian Whitwham, SecEd columnist, journalist and former teacher

“Some time ago Phil Beadle came to see me with the idea of writing a PhD. As with all such applicants, I asked him if he really didn’t have anything better to do with the next four or five years of his life. Luckily he did and this book is the result. It is much more readable than most PhDs since Phil’s writing is as engaging as his teaching. It is also very funny; there is a chuckle or a hoot-out-loud on every page – and how many books on education can you say that about?! As well as its supreme readability in presenting a cast of characters in situations all too well known to anyone familiar with what Phil calls ‘the surreal parallel universe of the classroom’, it is also remarkably practical. For the trainee and newly qualified teacher it will, like Everyman, go with them and be their guide. At the same time, like the best of PhDs rewritten for publication, it presents a complete picture of what English state schooling has become in recent years. Not only in secondary but also in primary schools, in further education colleges and even in universities, where in seminars and lectures I find myself using many of the tricks of the trade that Phil imparts to the overwhelmed and overseen pedagogue. In this way How to Teach presents not only an invaluable practical guide but is also a classic source for those seeking to understand the strange version of learning and teaching that our society has inflicted upon its young in its persistent obsession with what it calls ‘education’. ‘Why are we doing this?’ asks Phil’s ‘poor, industrially alienated student’, accredited and assessed towards endlessly receding horizons from which any mirage of regular and rewarding employment has long vanished. If, as he admits, Phil is unable to answer this ‘not unreasonable question’, his book explains how the modernised and monitored, tested and target-driven culture of accumulating accreditation grinds on, ‘gentling the masses’ as it selects a one dimensional minority while rejecting the majority who fall at every fence. But more than that, it shows how – beneath the weight of centralised inspection and audit and beyond the latest snake-oil solutions of ‘learning styles’ or ‘left and right brain gym’ derived from dubious neuro-mythologies – teachers still strive to retain and develop their expertise in helping students to understand themselves and the increasingly mad world we inhabit. Together with our students we can then learn from the past to alter our behaviour in the future. This critical transmission of culture down the generations is after all what institutionalised learning at all levels is supposed to be about. With insightful humour and practical wisdom, this book offers methods applicable in any classroom to regain that purpose and hope for education.”

Patrick Ainley, Professor of Training and Education, School of Education and Training, University of Greenwich

“Phil Beadle is a legend. His appearance in Channel 4’s The Unteachables was one of the iconic moments of television during the Noughties: his Kung-Fu Punctuation exercises and teaching Macbeth to the cows not only showed the public that difficult subjects could be made fun and easily accessible for the most challenging pupils, but also that great teaching can make a real difference. His new book develops many of the ideas and techniques that he revealed so entertainingly in the TV show. As he says himself, it is not a survival guide but the hard-won wisdom of a practising teacher who confronts the reality of the classroom still. This book is packed full of practical advice from someone who has to deal with pupils chewing gum, eating crisps, not listening, drifting off task, and generally getting up to no good on a daily basis. The solutions he offers are both imaginative, sensible and, above all, WORKABLE. Even though I’ve been teaching for twenty years, I found huge chunks of this book really useful. Even when I disagreed with him – there’s a brilliant but controversial section on ICT in the book – I felt that I had to modify my teaching in the light of what he said. The advice isn’t comforting, it’s more of a wake-up call to the whole profession. To be honest, every teacher should read and act upon this book because there’s a gem on nearly every page.”

Francis Gilbert author of Working The System: How To Get The Very Best State Education For Your Child

“… is quite simply the most fantastic and thoroughly realistic book for anyone embarking on a career in teaching. In fact, I would highly recommend it to anyone in the profession, however experienced they are! The book incorporates just about everything you need to know about current thinking, behaviour management, how to engage today’s pupils and most importantly gives a true picture of the reality of classroom practice. It is a thoroughly readable and insightful book written with great humour and crucially shows a total empathy with pupils and how to help them reach their full potential.”

Maggie Shevlane, Kent Lead Advanced Skills Teacher

HOW TO TEACH

PHIL BEADLE

Crown House Publishing Ltd

www.crownhouse.co.ukwww.crownhousepublishing.com

First published by Crown House Publishing Ltd Crown Buildings, Bancyfelin, Carmarthen, Wales, SA33 5ND, UKwww.crownhouse.co.uk and Crown House Publishing Company LLC 6 Trowbridge Drive, Suite 5, Bethel, CT 06801, USAwww.crownhousepublishing.com

© Philip Beadle 2010

The right of Philip Beadle to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under current legislation no part of this work may be photocopied, stored in a retrieval system, published, performed in public, adapted, broadcast, transmitted, recorded or reproduced in any form or by any means, without the prior permission of the copyright owners. Enquiries should be addressed to Crown House Publishing Limited.

Page 70, extract from the QCA’s website has been reproduced with their permission. Page 80, extract from Standing on the Shoulders of Giants: Hermann Vaske’s Conversations with the Masters of Advertising by Hermann Vaske has been reproduced with the kind permission of Die Gestalten Verlag GmbH & Co. KG, Berlin. (Published 2001, ISBN: 9783931126698).

Page 86, extract from Teach-It newsletter has been reproduced with the kind permission of Teach-It. (www.teachit.co.uk). Page 186, extract from Murdoch University website has been reproduced with their kind permission. (www.tlc.murdoch.edu.au/gradatt/verbs.html).

Page 192, extract from the Analyze Math website has been reproduced with their kind permission. (www.analyzemath.com/ calculus_questions/functions.html).

British Library of Cataloguing-in-Publication Data A catalogue entry for this book is available from the British Library.

10-digit ISBN 184590393-5 13-digit ISBN 978-184590393-0

2009936664

eBook ISBN: 978-184590412-8

Printed and bound in the UK by Gomer Press, Llandysul, Ceredigion

TO THE BOK FAMILY

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank all the mates who have made working in schools a laugh Zafirios Lastiotis, James Mackay, Roger Moisan, Phil McNortherner, Kevin Ducker, Superdooper Robbie Cooper, John Murphy and James Stafford.

CONTENTS

Foreword

Introduction

1. Management of Students

2. Knowledge and Understanding

3. Methods and Organisation

4. Lesson Planning

5. Assessment

And Finally …

About the Author

Recommended Reading

Index

FOREWORD

This book will take you inside the mind of a teacher who break all the rules of conventional wisdom, while at the same time providing new teachers with a solid and timely scaffold of pedagogy for the post-Ofsted age.

You won’t find Phil’s rules for promoting good behaviour (and teacher sanity) in any ITT institution or DfE classroom management manual. Reading Chapter 1 made me laugh out loud on a crowded train full of strangers, travelling – as it happens – from one august training institution to another. Laughter caused by the joy of recognition that here was a teachers’ teacher who really understands and likes children, empathises with the pain of growing up, recognises the natural urge to challenge authority if given half a chance, and who intends to stay on top and the adult in charge.

Although full of wit and humour, this is a deeply serious book written by a seasoned practitioner who has not migrated to academia, civil service or inspection, but remains in the urban classroom. No educational jargon, no tortuous theory – just sheer common sense and humanity. Any new teacher will tell you that it’s not subject knowledge or lesson planning that keeps you awake at night – it’s the sheer terror of being one against thirty, or more often, one against a few individuals who give you grief.

Any rooky teacher would do well to internalise some of this wisdom – such as that all children have ‘special needs’, the pointlessness of detentions and how to be assertive without being confrontational. One of Phil’s best tips – along with “don’t be too matey”, “appear relentlessly happy” and pile on the praise – is “We are dealing with a generation of children who are used to negotiating with their parent/s and who find this a profitable way of doing business. Don’t.” There’s an absence of panic about how difficult inner city children are to manage, just some common sense about how to stay one step ahead and the adult in the situation.

Phil’s book provides novices with a practical toolkit, demystifying lesson planning and differentiation strategies, illustrating a comprehensive range of effective pupil grouping techniques designed to facilitate learning and subvert boredom. Old hands (and mentors to NQTs and BTs) will smirk at the irreverent swipes at current orthodoxy surrounding differentiation, gifted and talented provision and ‘learning styles’, assessment fads and political correctness, and welcome the emphasis on teaching as a craft, rather than an art or a science, that can be learned – but not without putting in time and hard graft. Phil also re-invents teaching as a performance art, rather an important message for new teachers bent on acquiring psychological presence and gravitas in the classroom – or ‘acquiring rep’ as he would call it.

The readability, wit and style of this book belie its seriousness as a guide to being the best teacher you can be. There are some great original and workable ideas in chapters on methods and organisation, lesson planning and assessment, the ‘third hidden objective’, the Harris Method and the many football analogies among them.

The cast of urban kids cited in examples have almost a cartoon-like familiarity but amongst the humour there are some profound truths about the vulnerability of adolescence rarely addressed in teacher training, the need to feel safe and fear of loss. In many ways this is an old-fashioned book, a refreshing change from years of government strategy documents and wordy university research papers. Simple truths about what children really want and need – permanent teachers permanently present and books regularly marked – and the essential mundane tasks that underpin the nobler aspects of teaching – rigorous attention to the marking, presentation and display of children’s work, are articulated with passion and conviction, along with a welcome return to the primacy of and joy in subject knowledge.

Andrea Berkeley, Development Director, Teaching Leaders 26 March 2010

INTRODUCTION

Make no mistake. Your first year as a teacher is tough; nothing like the permanently uplifting stroll you may have been sold by glossy government adverts and brochures. Your days can be confusing, spirit crushing, depressing; frightening even, but you will also have moments of profound joy, in which you see why some regard it as being the best job in the world; moments where you feel ‘part of the solution’. (These will last exactly until the next lesson when you are immediately and summarily turned over by year 4/6/8, and spat out shuddering.)

Over the next two hundred or so pages I aim to give practical solutions to help you be the best classroom teacher you can be as quickly as possible. This is decidedly not a survival guide. There is no advice contained in this book as to how you should deal with a difficult boss, or how you get the bloke who does the photocopying to respect you. There is no trouble-shooting session, nor any cod psychological cack about how to deal with stress. It is written assuming that, as an intelligent, graduate professional, you can work most of that stuff out for yourself, and that you are aware of your nearest licensed premises.

This book is a guide to doing infinitely better than just surviving. You will not revolutionise the life chances of the children you are to teach, or make a vast and seditious contribution to overturning the class system, one child a time, by merely surviving. It’s a guidebook, the intent of which is to help you to fly; to be phenomenal. And it is a guidebook written by someone whose, admittedly over-hyped, reputation comes from being identified as being outstanding where it counts: in the classroom. Unlike many experts in education I am still a serving schoolteacher. As such, these insights are not something I once thought fifteen years ago that no longer apply; I am using the techniques in this book, in a school towards the bottom of the league tables, on the day you are reading this.

Organisationally, it is divided into five chapters: management of students, knowledge and understanding, methods and organisation, lesson planning and, finally, assessment. These subject headings are taken from the lesson observation sheet that I use when I am sitting in the back of other people’s lessons tutting. The lesson observation sheet came from my time at Eastlea Community School, and is, I think, the creation of Linda Powell, my former head teacher, who was the first person ever to recognise that a haircut was not outside the realms of my abilities.

CHAPTER 1

MANAGEMENT OF STUDENTS

AaaaaaaAarGhhH!

How on earth are you ever going to manage thirty knife-wielding psychos on your own? What happens if they don’t do what you say? What if they go completely hat-stand? Carroty even? Completely mental? My God, you’re under-prepared. You’re über-under-prepared. They’ll kill you. You’re not cut out for this. You’re not in the right job. You’re not in the right profession. Best you resign before it all gets too bloody.

The beginner teacher’s fear of the unruly class is similar to the turkey’s fear of Christmas, in that, not only is it entirely warranted, but also neither teacher nor turkey are anywhere near properly prepared for the full horror of what it is they are to face. PGCEs rarely give much more than a day’s training on how to manage behaviour, and that generally consists of sitting mute, watching Antipodean behavioural guru, Bill Rogers, effortlessly controlling a class of miniature, compliant Aussies, as a room full of adults think, as one, “Well that’s got to be a piece of cake, hasn’t it? The kids in the Bill Rogers video are all well fed, clearly middle class and obviously easy to manage. I don’t think there’s going to be too many of those in the school that I’ve just signed on for.”

This proved to be true in my first year of teaching. I thought I’d manage them purely on the basis of having nice(ish) hair for a thirty-two-year-old and being able to read books aloud in the stentorian, actorly manner of an amateur Kennneth Bran-argh. Wrong.

In my first year of teaching I was shuffled into a classroom far away from the rest of the English department and left to get on with it.

In no way did my PGCE prepare me for Rod freaking out and sobbing; for Lee threatening to chuck a chair at me; for the whole of 8M point-blank refusing to do anything I asked, nay begged, them to do, ever; for Mick pushing me; for 8S winding me up something chronic; for Mick pushing me again; for JK punching Cookey in the mouth in the first five seconds of my first Ofsted observed lesson; for Tammy and her mate to write me really scary love letters; for the whole sorry mess that was my desire to be a good teacher to teeter and threaten to topple into the abyss on a near daily basis.

It would have been much easier if I’d had some of the pieces of information, of which you will be in possession within a couple of minutes. Managing behaviour is actually fairly easy provided you observe a few rules (also provided that you haven’t been gifted the most difficult class in the borough on your first day in the profession). You must observe them religiously though. Fail to do any of the following and you’ll find that you are not in control of the class. And this is key: it’s your classroom. You are the teacher. If you are not in control it’ll all go to cock, the kids will learn nothing and, what is more, they’ll have a deeply unpleasant experience, as they won’t feel at all safe.

RULE 1 – TURN UP

One of the most difficult classes I’ve ever taught was in my first year as a teacher: En10a2. The worst you would think on seeing this seemingly innocuous set of letters and numbers is that they are slightly oddly capitalised. To me, in 1997, the merest flash of this set of signifiers would be enough to reduce me to shuddering, silent screams of, “Please. Don’t make me go in that room with them. They are savages.” It was in En10a2 that Mick, a bulky fifteen-year-old, pushed me, with substantial force, full in the chest, in front of the rest of the class. (He was taken to internal inclusion and told off. I was left to teach the rest of the class, hands shaking and pale as a sheet as I held grimly to the piece of paper I was reading to them in a quivering voice). And it was in En10a2 that the same kid performed the same feat two weeks later. It was in En10a2 that Tammy and her mate wrote the love letters, that JK punched Cookey when Ofsted were in, that Christelle informed me in front of a senior manager that she, “Didn’t give a fuck” about my lesson, that the whole class came in sobbing after a funeral they’d attended that no one thought I should be told about and called me an, “Insensitive tosser” for trying to teach them afterwards. And it was in En10a2 that I was given the gift of being Coops’s teacher, (which, if you’d met Coops, you’d understand is the kind of gift that would make you believe a brain tumour to be a birthday present).

In my first year as a teacher, every lesson with En10a2 was fretted about before, dismal and depressing during and, afterwards, often left me as a shell-shocked wreck, strung together with string and masking tape, barely suppressing the tears lining my lower eyelids, which were threatening to make me even more of a laughing stock in the staffroom than I already thought I was.

By the end of year 10 they were my favourite class. I adored them. And it was, they were fairly fond of telling me, one of the rare moments in my life where such affection was, at least partially, reciprocated. The next year, when HMI were in, En11a2 organised their own séance in class when my lesson was being observed, Coops taking his group and leading them brilliantly. My head of department witnessed a conversation between an inspector and the Principal, in which she pointed out Coops to be about the most challenging young man in the school, and that I had him, “Wrapped around my little finger.” En10a2 were eventually the first step to me getting recognised as being alright in the classroom, as opposed to the borderline pass I’d been regarded as in my NQT year. But it was not always thus …

In year 11, the class and I spoke about the early days. Oh, how we all laughed at how difficult it had been the year before. They remembered how horrific they had been in those first few half terms. They were sorry they’d been horrible but, as Danksy pointed out, I was about their fifteenth English teacher in the space of a year. They’d actually quite liked me (sort-of-ish-a-bit-but-not-really) from the first moment, but no English teacher had ever stayed around long enough to see their good side before and, quite reasonably, they saw no reason to think I’d be any different, and consequently, no cause for getting that good side off the mantelpiece and giving it a shine. They didn’t want to get too fond, because that’d result in them being all the more disappointed when I left them, as I was inevitably bound to do, particularly as they’d behaved so awfully!

It is a sad truth that you will teach many young people in your career who are all too used to adults letting them down. Sadder still, many are used to the adults they care for the very most leaving them. Put yourself in their shoes. Would your response to experiencing such loss at such an early age be sane? In behaving appallingly in the first few half terms, En10a2 could at least draw some power from their teacher’s inevitable chucking in of the towel. They had caused it. They were the hardest, the toughest and the meanest. Adults leaving them was entirely in their control. They were not helpless, or vulnerable, or any of the other things they feared they might be in their darker moments. They were captains of their own fate.

You may think you’re a crap teacher doing a crap job when you are in front of the class, but you’re worse when you’re not there. Turn up. Take the punches. Smile back. Within six months you’ll have achieved what some teachers refer to as the ‘bowling ball effect’. You pick them off one by one. You’ll notice a couple of kids initially (in the case of En10a2 it was Kelly and Sam) who are less resistant to learning, and to you, than the others. After a while a couple more might join them. Then you pick them off like pins at a bowling alley, until such point as you have a critical mass in favour of both you and your lesson. Eventually, even the hardest nut cracks and you have that profound moment of epiphanic teaching joy: the first good lesson with the truly hard class, in which you begin to see it is possible. You can do this.

The reason this is in the section regarding behaviour management is that kids like teachers who are there every day. One of my most weirdly proud moments came when, halfway through the spring term, Big Isaac (a charming and vastly proportioned naughty boy, who couldn’t write that well, but was a very promising boxer) cried out to me, giving vent to an exasperation that had obviously troubled him for a while, “Christ! Beadleman,” he exhaled, “Don’t you ever take any time off? When are we going to get a break from you?” This, I think, was Isaac’s backhanded way of saying that he appreciated my attendance record. (From my perspective I was very grateful he didn’t punch me even once during our years together). If you get a reputation with the children as a good attender, it will pay dividends in terms of behaviour. You will always be on top of what happened yesterday, and the children will respect the commitment you show to them by always being there.

RULE 2 – SORT YOUR SEATING

A teacher without a seating plan is a dunce and is asking for it. Other than your own ability to charm, cajole and sometimes even confront, the seating plan is the single most important piece of behavioural modification equipment you have in your toolbox.

There are different schools of thought on this. I have a particular methodology, which I’ll explain later, but first, a bit on why classroom organisation is the most important philosophical decision you will make in your career and why you should turn your face away from the darkness and towards the light.

Here’s a shock. You are not necessarily the cleverest person in your classroom. You may not even be in the top ten. Yes, you are the one with a degree. You are the bigshot, for now. But, let’s face it, you have no idea what the children in front of you may one day become. Something altogether more impressive than a piffling, cardiganclad, Cornish-pasty-shoe-wearing schoolteacher, perhaps?

Any survey of students that asks them the important question, “How do you learn best?” finds the same answer at the top of the list. “Groups,” their replies will scream, with one impassioned voice. “We learn best in groups. WHY WON’T ANYONE LISTEN TO US?” Having your desks set out in groups is the right way to organise your classroom. Period. No discussion. No arguing. Having the tables in groups allows you to set them the grouped speaking and listening activities that are the way in which they learn most effectively. Having your tables in groups lets them learn from each other. And having your tables in groups is a spatially symbolic move away from the Dickensian notion of the teacher standing at the front talking cobblers about really hard sums all day, every day.

Having your tables in five groups of six is the optimum classroom layout, in that it allows you to mix up the activities. You can do a paired activity, then one in threes, then one in groups without so much as a single moved chair. Not only is it convenient, but it is good use of the classroom space. If you ensure that each group of tables is positioned as near to the boundaries of the classroom as is possible, whilst still allowing the kids at the edge to be able to breathe, you are left with a space in the middle of the classroom in which kids can do exciting kinaesthetic activities, or you can stand in the spotlight declaiming your own shockingly bad poetry in a fruity RSC bombast.

Having your tables in groups also allows you to implement a quite interesting piece of methodology, which I’ll explain now. Many years ago, when doing some work on boys’ achievement, I chanced upon Ofsted’s report on the same issue, and actually read the bloody thing. In it there was a fascinating section about the seating plan (Christ! I really, really must do something about my work/lack of anything anywhere near resembling a life balance). Ofsted suggest that the best way of getting serious work out of boys in a mixed school is getting them to sit with slightly lower ability girls. If they are sat with higher ability girls then they just go into learned helplessness mode and get the girls to do their work for them. If they are sat with girls of the same ability range they go all stupid and competitive. But if you sit them with girls they can help, they change character immediately: becoming nurturing, gentle, supportive and interested in their own attainment and that of others. I use this method now for every class I teach and, you know, it kind of works.

There are teething issues with implementing any new seating plan. This methodology doesn’t take account of existing relationships, for instance, and it may be that you’ve sat people on the same table who pathologically detest each other or, worse still, are the best of friends. But with the odd tweak it can be made to work. It has, at its base, the important basic that boys and girls must always be sat next to each other, and is a defensible methodology in terms of Ofsted or senior management asking probing questions of you. Of course, it’s useless in single-sex schools, and it relies on there being a critical mass of relatively high-attaining males in the class, which is not always so. It also condemns the highest ability girls to sit on a table with the three lowest attaining males. But this too has benefits, which you’ll find out once you implement it.

The implementation of a seating plan can be bloody however, and you must be both rigourous and intractable, as the kids will seek to circumvent it. Any request from a student must be resolutely refused. “But Miss, I don’t like …” or, “We don’t get on …” must be treated as the irrelevant impertinence that it is. You decide where they sit, and you have arranged the seating plan to maximise their attainment not so they can sit gossiping with their best mate. You will find that within a lesson or so, they will attempt to just go and sit back in the place that they want to occupy, you have to call them on this immediately. Acceding to even a single request regarding where they sit will lead to chaos, and chaos is not what we’re after.

RULE 3 – SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF AND THE BIG STUFF DON’T HAPPEN

There are certain ‘tells’ regarding behaviour management that will give any person observing that lesson a pretty well immediate sense of whether the teacher knows what they are doing or not. The first of these is obvious from the moment the observer walks into the class: if there are kids’ coats and bags on the desks then the teacher is clueless and the lesson is likely to be a disaster. If the kids’ coats are on their backs then the same applies, only more so.

The reason for this is that there are certain rules that children won’t bother reacting against or calling into question, such as putting their bags on the floor and their outside wear on the back of a chair. I don’t recall a situation in my many years standing in front of a class talking twaddle, in which a child has defended to the death their right to have their coat sprawled out on the desk. All children will obey this instruction. It is therefore senseless to bottle it because you are scared of an adverse reaction from them that they can’t be arsed to summon up.

As soon as the children enter your class, insist that their bags are off the table and their coats hung up or chucked, gently, wherever those coats go. Insisting that this routine is followed without question at the beginning of every lesson does so much more for you, as a teacher, than just keeping the coats and bags orderly. It gives out a message: this is a classroom in which the rules are to be followed, and your insistence on such a routine sets the tone for the rest of the lesson. Because you have laid down the law first thing, you have asserted that you are not the sort of teacher who ignores behavioural infractions and, having established this with the class, you will find that there are fewer infractions. They don’t bother committing them because they know you are going to call them on it.

RULE 4 – BECOME EXPERT IN THE TECHNICALITIES OF DEALING WITH CHEWING GUM

It’s repulsive stuff, chewing gum. It performs no useful function other than allowing kids to believe themselves mini-versions of James Dean, ‘rebels without an idea of how to mark off a subordinate clause’. It gets everywhere – into carpets, onto your best teaching trousers, and often into Hermione, the Pre-Raphaelite kid’s, hair. Upturn any school desk and you’ll find a ‘tribble’ of them nestling like guilty, germridden, rock-hard glob-bogeys, festering and sneering at your utter impotence and inability to stop more of their cousins joining them next lesson. There are few things in British schools that bring out this teacher’s inner fascist quicker than the wanton cud-chewer.

Some schools seem to have bigger problems with this issue than others. And if you are to teach in one of the schools in which gum chewing is endemic then, trust me, you will get heartily sick of instructing children to, “Spit it in the bin.”

The same thing applies with the gum rule as with the coats and bags. If you ignore the fact that a child is chewing gum then you are setting a precedent for the whole class – giving them the message that it is OK to break school rules in your lesson. It may seem slightly petty dispensing summary justice to those who break the gumchewing rule (see also packets of crisps, toffees, etc.) but, again, it sends a message that since the smaller infractions will not be tolerated, the bigger ones must not occur. Zero tolerance in small areas allows you to be utterly tolerant in others.

There are a couple of technical issues when dealing with the gum chewer that won’t be apparent immediately, and which you should be hip to:

1. If Mohammed won’t go to the waste paper bin, then the bin must go to Mohammed – In all things you should keep a sharp eye out for humiliating children. Public humiliation is no one’s favourite diet, and if you accidentally humiliate a kid, then you will pay double for it in the fullness of time. Yes, they have committed the mortal sin of chewing gum. Yes, they are the criminal. And, yes, you are the law. However, if you stand at the front of the class and sternly intone the phrase, “Mohammed! Gum in the bin. Now,” you force poor old Mo to take the walk of shame in front of his mates and to lose face badly. He is likely to hate you for it, and may spend the rest of the lesson devising a cunning and unpleasant revenge. And should he choose to take vengeance against you, beware! As Charlie Bukowski said, “…beware the average man, the average woman, beware their love, their love is average, seeks average, but their genius is their hatred, there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you ...”1

Better, having noticed Mo’s gnashers masticating up and downwards at metronomic pace, that you wait for some moment during which the class are involved in a task, take the waste paper bin in your hand, and quietly sidle up to him, saying in a near whisper, “Gum in the bin, please.” (It is also useful reinforcement whilst intoning the instruction to point to your own open mouth, and from thence to the bin). Generally, because you have avoided publicly upbraiding the perp, he will obey without question. Unless he attempts the sleight of hand, which will lead you to the second technicality of dealing with the gum chewer, the phrase …

2. “All of it.” – You will find that the seasoned classroom criminal has many saucy and wicked ways of deceiving the stupid old duffer at the front of the class. One of these is related to gum. You will request that they dump the wad, and they will appear to do so. To the untrained eye a deposit of chewing gum has gone in the bin. Job done. World saved.