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- Herausgeber: anna ruggieri
- Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023
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Praise for In the Trenches
“Kelsey Gillespy’s book is like a warm cup of cocoa for the weary mother’s soul. Kelsey combines practical advice with the kind tone of a dear friend. I just wish I’d had this book when my own children were little!”
— Jen Fulwiler, standup comic and bestselling author
“With humor and grace, Kelsey Gillespy calls out the daily opportunities for holiness hidden in the trenches of early parenthood. Her reflections are an inspired invitation to a deeper relationship with God in what might seem an unlikely stage of life. Every new and expecting mother needs this book!”
— Lindsay Schlegel, author of Don’t Forget to Say Thank You: And Other Parenting Lessons That Brought Me Closer to God
“As a Catholic mom of five young boys, I cannot recommend In the Trenches enough! Kelsey articulates the modern universal struggles of early motherhood in such a relatable way, leaving the reader with profound hope for the journey. I found myself laughing and crying through the chapters, wanting to highlight every word of her prayers! I would highly recommend this book to all moms wanting faithful encouragement in motherhood. Thank you, Kelsey, for putting so beautifully into words what our mama hearts need!”
— Alex DeRose, Instagrammer and blogger for JoyMamaBlog.com
“In the Trenches provides a refreshing perspective on the vocation of motherhood. Gillespy offers solidarity through real-life events of the trenches experienced as mothers. This book is not just another attempt to discover the secret formula to parenting. It offers prayer, reflection, and acceptance of the beautiful season of motherhood the reader finds herself in.”
— Steph Salinas, Director of Events and Spanish Ministry for Blessed Is She
“Kelsey Gillespy draws upon her own motherhood to shine a light of hope into the desolation that can sometimes come during parenting. Her thoughtful reflections make for beautiful meditations upon God and his love.”
— Gloria Purvis, speaker, author, and host and executive producer of The Gloria Purvis Podcast
In the Trenches
Finding God Through Parenting Littles
By Kelsey Gillespy
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Number: 2022943332.
CIP Data is available.
ISBN 0-8198-3752-0
ISBN 978-0-8198-3752-3
ISBN ePub 978-0-8198-3753-0
The Scripture quotations contained herein are from the New Revised Standard Version Bible: Catholic Edition, copyright © 1989, 1993, National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
Cover design by Tisa Muico
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
“P” and PAULINE are registered trademarks of the Daughters of St. Paul.
Copyright © 2023, Kelsey Gillespy
Published by Pauline Books & Media, 50 Saint Pauls Avenue, Boston, MA 02130–3491
www.pauline.org
Pauline Books & Media is the publishing house of the Daughters of St. Paul, an international congregation of women religious serving the Church with the communications media.
To every mother who has ever felt exhausted, invisible, or alone, especially my own mother, who fought in the trenches with unceasing love
Contents
IntroductionHi, Friend! How Old Are You?
Part I What Is Parenthood?
1. “You’re in the Trenches”
The Exhaustion and Loneliness of Motherhood
2. “Growing Like a Weed”
Nurturing Virtue and Uprooting Vice
3. “Do As I Say, Not As I Do”
Accepting What God Has Given You
4. “There’s a Method to My Madness”
When God’s Will Isn’t Glamorous
5. “When You’re a Parent, You’ll Understand”
The Corporal Works of Mercy
6. “Use It or Lose It”
Showing Off Your Gifts to God
7. “I’ve Got Eyes in the Back of My Head”
What to Do When You Feel Invisible
8. “Were You Raised in a Barn? You’re Filthy!”
The Purgatory of Parenthood
Part II Who Is God?
9. “The Pot Calling the Kettle Black”
What God’s Name Means
10. “Like Two Peas in a Pod”
Why God Chooses to Be with Us All the Time
11. “Actions Speak Louder Than Words”
Doing What Makes God Happy
12. “You’ve Got Your Hands Full”
Pursuing God Like a Little Child
13. “Because I Said So”
Trusting God
14. “Through Thick and Thin”
God Is Always Working for Our Good
15. “Blessing in Disguise”
God Can See What We Can’t
16. “Live and Learn”
When It Feels Like You’re Suffocating
Part III Who Are You?
17. “You’ll Live”
Nothing Can Separate You from God’s Love
18. “Could You Lend Me a Hand?”
What Asking for Help Really Means
19. “Birds of a Feather Flock Together”
Be Who You Really Are
20. “Someday You’ll Have One Just Like You”
Being God’s Reflection
21. “If Your Friends Jumped Off a Bridge, Would You?”
Who Do You Imitate?
22. “Keep Making That Face and It’ll Freeze That Way”
Seeing God’s Beauty in Yourself
23. “No Use Crying over Spilled Milk”
The Beauty of Scars and Stretch Marks
24. “The Best of Both Worlds”
God Created Us Body and Soul
Part IV You Can Have It All without Waiting “Until They’re Older”
25 “Go Ask Your Father”
Praying While You’re in the Trenches
26. “The World Doesn’t Revolve Around You”
The Importance of Serving
27. “I Had to Walk Uphill in the Snow Both Ways”
Jesus Worked Hard for Us
28. “No Pain, No Gain”
We Can Work Hard for Jesus
29. “You Can Lead a Horse to Water, but You Can’t Make Him Drink”
Choosing to Go to Confession
30. “It Costs an Arm and a Leg”
Experiencing God Through Our Bodily Senses
EpilogueYou’re Gonna Miss This
Personal Reflection/Group Discussion Questions
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Hi, Friend! How Old Are You?
My kids make friends everywhere they go. It could be at the playground or in dance class or in line at the grocery store. One time they even played with friends in a public restroom. Every encounter sounds something like this:
My kid: Hi, friend!
Other kid: Hi.
My kid: How old are you?
Other kid: (Says a number)
My kid: (Gasps audibly) I know somebody who’s that old! Let’s play!
Then they go running off together, beaming with joy. Sometimes they end up sitting on top of the monkey bars, chatting like little birds. Other times, they land in the sandbox. Still others, they chase each other around, shrieking and laughing all the while.
Later, my kids come running to me, red-faced and thirsty, dying to tell me everything they know about their new bestie. The in-depth reports usually include how old that friend was and maybe their birthday. If I’m really lucky, I get a description of how tall they were, too.
“What was their name?” I ask every single time.
They shrug. “I don’t know, but can we play with them again sometime?”
This tactic seems to work like a charm (my daughter even picked up a boy’s mom’s phone number this way so we could have a play date), but I’m not sure if it would fly in adult relationships. So, I won’t ask how old you are or invite you into a filthy sandbox. But I would like to be friends.
So, let’s see how this works . . .
Hi, friend! I’m Kelsey. I’m a mom by trade, professional toddler-wrangler and bottom-wiper by practice. There’s nothing exceptional about me aside from the fact that I birthed five children in nine years and lived to tell about it. I don’t have a PhD (though I do have a Master’s Degree in Sport Psychology). I don’t have celebrity status (though to my kids, that might be a different story). I don’t have millions of dollars or a huge, cultlike following. The most valuable thing I have is my experience as a mother, which, as it turns out, is more valuable than I originally thought.
You see, I grew up in the Midwest in a stereotypical suburban family. The only thing we were lacking was a picket fence. My mom stayed at home with my brother and me and set the standard as an extremely engaged and invested mother who constantly put her family first. But one time, as we played a game I undoubtedly chose, she paused and looked down at me. Fatigue clouded her eyes. Her brow pinched in longing.
She sighed. “It’s lonely being a mom.”
At the time, I didn’t know how to respond. How could she be lonely when I was always right there with her? I mean, really. I never left her side. What more could she want? To me, it seemed like being a mom was the best gig in the world. She got to play with me—the kid she surely adored more than anything else in life—every single day. No breaks, no exceptions. What could be better than that?
But still, her words stuck with me. Years passed. Then decades. Slowly, the Velcro that attached me to her wore down and I was able to pull free and finally give her some space. Not that she ever asked me to.
Soon afterward, I gave birth to my first baby and I didn’t see another adult face aside from my husband’s for months. From the depths of my subconscious, my mother’s words floated to mind.
It’s lonely being a mom.
Finally, her words made sense. For the first several months of my baby’s life, my daughter and I didn’t leave the house. Instead, we stayed in the living room with all the blinds closed so no one could catch a glimpse of me trying to figure out how to breastfeed. Like a psychopath, I sat on the couch, rocking back and forth, singing one song over and over because that was the only thing that calmed the baby, and it was also all my exhausted brain could muster.
But I wasn’t the only one who suffered from the new-parent level of exhaustion. Once, my husband shook me awake in the middle of the night.
“Kelsey, you have to feed the baby.”
I rubbed an eye and fought through the thick fog of sleep deprivation. Still, I couldn’t understand what he was saying. “What?”
“You have to feed the baby!” he said again, this time more urgently.
I absorbed his panic, the hazy cloud in my head now completely gone as my heart raced in my chest. “Where is she?”
“I just gave her to you!”
“You what?” The panic kicked into full gear. I didn’t remember getting the baby from him. All I knew was that I didn’t have a baby in my hands. Or in my lap. DID I DROP HER? Oh God, please tell me I didn’t drop my baby! I desperately searched all around—on the floor, under the blankets, everywhere. I smoothed my hand on top of the blankets, trying to feel for her in the dark. Instead, my fingers found something soft and glossy.
I picked it up and examined it closer in the moonlight. It was a pair of my husband’s athletic shorts.
“How the heck did these get in here?” I said, holding them up so my husband could see.
Even in the darkness, I could see his face flush. Somehow, through sleep and dreams and fatigue, he had walked to his dresser, pulled out a pair of shorts thinking it was the baby, and wanted me to feed them.
Sure enough, when we looked, the baby was sound asleep in her crib beside our bed.
It was a crazy moment for sure, and I can promise it wasn’t the last. But now, as we look back on those moments, we laugh. Now—years later—those moments are remembered with joy because we accompanied each other in the trenches of parenthood. And man, these trenches can be pretty deep and dark. I know because I’ve been there, surrounded by the shadows and loneliness. I’ve seen my own mother swallowed by their depth, and I’ve witnessed and walked with other moms who’ve said the same thing.
It’s lonely being a mom.
So often we fight alone, keeping our heads down, grinding through these days just to get them over with. Past the temper tantrums and blowout diapers. Beyond the middle-of-the-night feedings and early-morning wake-up calls.
Slowly, surely, we climb to the top of the trench, throw one arm over the ledge, then the other, and pull ourselves out. But that takes years. Years of formative growth for our children, no doubt, but also years that can be formative growth for us if we allow them to be. What if we could enjoy these trenches? What if we could work together, hand in hand? What if by talking to other moms (or reading this book), you discovered that these trenches can be surprisingly beautiful? And, most importantly, instead of making you lose your identity and grow stale in your relationship with God, what if these years could fill you up and make your faith grow?
Well, that’s why I’m writing this book. For you. To show you that you’re not alone, though you may feel like it sometimes. This book is my attempt to rise from the muck, to walk through these trenches and look in the eyes of all of you who are in here with me. This book is to let you know I see you. I see you sacrificing sleep to feed your baby or strip pee-soaked sheets from small beds. I see you changing diapers and wearing day-old spit up. I see you getting shouted at by an angry toddler and trying your hardest not to lose your mind. I see you giving even when you feel like you have nothing left to give. And yes, I can even see (and understand) the moments of saying and doing things you regret (girl, been there).
Parenthood forces us to set ourselves aside, that’s true. It calls us to immense selflessness. But that doesn’t mean you must disappear or be forgotten.
This book will tell you that you are valuable.
You’re not alone.
You’re just in the trenches.
And I’m right here with you.
By reading this book, you are choosing community. You are choosing solidarity. You are choosing to stop grinding this whole motherhood thing out on your own, and instead, you are bravely rising to your feet to walk beside all the others who are in these trenches with you. As you continue reading, I encourage you to take your time and prayerfully reflect on the following sections. Go so far as to write those reflections in a prayer journal. In fact, why don’t you grab that right now? Get a pen or pencil while you’re up, too. Seriously.
I’ll wait.
Back already? Awesome.
As I was saying, this book is meant to be a tool for your own personal use. It’s not a race. You don’t have to sprint through. It’s more of a walk. A journey, really. So take your time. Use the following sections and reflections however they may be most beneficial to you. You can go from the beginning to end, one chapter a day, to become a holier and more whole mother in a month. Or, if there’s a section that speaks most to you, you can spend time really digging into it. However you decide to use it, this book is designed to help you claim your own identity, grow richer in your faith, and live your vocation as a mother to its fullest.
Together, we’ll find the true purpose and meaning of parenthood, examine the characteristics of God, discover who you really are, and figure out how the heck you can have a rich faith and sense of identity whiledoing the mom thing. Whew. Sounds like a lot. But really, it’s pretty simple. We’ll walk through all of that together, one step at a time. Here’s what you’ll find in every chapter:
Scripture Verse: hear what God has to say about that chapter’s reflection.
Real Life Stories: read stories from my own crazy life as a mother that have taught me more about God.
Snack Time!: nibble on a thought, suggestion, and/or question that will nourish and sustain you throughout the day.
Prayer: bring it all back to God through prayer.
Further reflection and group discussion questions are located in the back of this book, in case some sort of miracle occurs and you find extra time to dive deeper on your own or meet with your group of gals on the weekend. (It probably wouldn’t be this weekend, of course. No mom is free on that short of a notice. But maybe in, like, thirteen weekends when a few of you can find a spare hour.) Whatever happens, deeper reflection guides are there if you need them, and you can reference them whenever you feel inclined to do so.
I am so excited to walk with you, both in the pages of this book and in the trenches of this life. Maybe someday we’ll meet in person and can share more of our stories, some with laughter, some with tears. All of them, no doubt, over a cup of something caffeinated. Whatever the case, I hope you know that you are surrounded by a community of women (including me!) who share similar hopes, dreams, and struggles. Now, as you continue to put one foot in front of the other, remember that you are covered in my prayers and the unblemished intercession of the saints, so that you may love your vocation and live it to its fullest.
Part I
What Is Parenthood?
