Marrying Again E-Book

Ron & Nancy Keller

• Herausgeber: BroadStreet Publishing Group, LLC
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Seitenzahl: 193

Beschreibung

Embrace a new beginning with faith, hope, and confidence.   When God brings a new relationship into our lives after divorce, we feel hopeful. It's easy to assume that this second chance at happiness is a gift we can simply accept with gratitude, but not so fast! Having been married does not mean that we know how to be remarried, and having been a parent does not mean that we know how to stepparent.   In Marrying Again, Ron and Nancy Keller share knowledge, wisdom, and skills learned from decades of professional and personal experience with remarriage and blended families. Learn how to - develop realistic expectations, - overcome common feelings and challenges, - promote unity and healthy communication, - navigate tricky subjects, such as financial and legal matters, and - nurture your relationship with the Lord.Whether you're newly divorced, dating, or already remarried, this book will encourage you on your journey, reminding you that God walks alongside you every step of the way.  

Leseprobe

BroadStreet Publishing® Group, LLC

Savage, Minnesota, USA

BroadStreetPublishing.com

Marrying Again: 52 Devotions to Prepare Your Heart and Mind for Marriage after Divorce

Copyright © 2023 Ron and Nancy Keller

9781424562831 (hardcover)

9781424562848 (ebook)

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, a Division of Tyndale House Ministries, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version® NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Scripture quotations marked ESV are taken from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked NRSVUE are taken from New Revised Standard Version, Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Scripture quotations marked GNT are taken from the Good News Translation in Today’s English Version—Second Edition. Copyright © 1992 by American Bible Society. Used by Permission. Scripture quotations marked NCV are taken from The Holy Bible, New Century Version®. Copyright © 2005 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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23 24 25 26 27 5 4 3 2 1

To our five wonderful, loving children:Matt, Brigitte, Peter, Josh, and Jonathan.

To our “in-law” children:Brandon, Sara, and Jennifer.

To our six beautiful, handsome, and amazing grandchildren:Jacob, Julien, and Bella RoseKate, James, and Felix.

Contents

Introduction

1 Stories

2 The Bible and Divorce

3 God’s Unconditional Love

4 Beauty from Ashes

5 Disappointment

6 Anger

7 Guilt

8 Loss

9 Grief

10 Letting Go

11 The Stages of Healing Part 1

12 The Stages of Healing Part 2

13 Relationship Readiness

14 Introducing a New Partner

15 Coping with Change

16 The Cycle of Surrender

17 Common Misconceptions

18 Predictable Issues

19 Identifying Temperaments

20 Meeting Needs

21 Practicing Communication

22 Nurturing Intimacy

23 Working through Conflict

24 Addressing Legal Matters

25 Handling Finances

26 Establishing Priorities

27 Competing Loyalties

28 Children’s Feelings

29 Adult Children

30 Living Arrangements

31 Blended Family Feelings

32 Between Two Households

33 School Support

34 Effective Stepparenting

35 Discipline

36 Incorporating Extended Family

37 Having an “Ours” Baby

38 Bringing Baby Home

39 New Beginnings

40 Coparenting

41 Protecting Children from Adult Conflict

42 Forgiveness

43 Easing Anxieties

44 Maintaining Unity

45 Marriage Assessment

46 Seeking Professional Help

47 Spiritual Nurturing

48 Praying Together

49 Anticipating Good Fruit

50 Lessons Learned

51 Supporting Others

52 Worth the Challenge

Acknowledgments

Endnotes

About the Authors

Introduction

Whenever a marriage ends, the people involved often feel guilt, anger, pain, disbelief, and general devastation. Then, when God brings a new relationship into their life, they feel alive and hopeful again. It’s easy to assume that this “second chance” at true happiness is a gift we can simply accept with gratitude. But not so fast! Having been married does not mean that we know how to be remarried. And if one or both people are parents, having been a parent does not mean that we know how to stepparent.

If you’re newly divorced, reentering the dating pool, preparing for a second marriage, or blending families, the good news is that millions of people find themselves facing these same challenges too. According to the United States Census Bureau, more than one-third of men and women have experienced divorce.1 Most go on to remarry or enter new relationships and live together, and about thirteen hundred new stepfamilies are formed every day.2 In fact, fewer than half of children live with two parents who are both in their first marriage.3 These are “blended families,” as they include remarried or recoupled families with children—hers, his, or shared—cohabitating.

Marrying again is tough and typically much more challenging than couples anticipate. We assure you that our personal experience was no exception. In fact, we believed we were reasonably ready and prepared for the challenges ahead. Then we attended a seminar for couples planning their second marriage, and our eyes opened even wider. We realized we had never even considered many of the predictable challenges that the leaders discussed.

We’ve all heard that marriage is hard work, but blending families requires even more hard work. The reality is that blended families differ from traditional families. To fail to recognize and address these differences is a common, critical oversight that results in shock, disappointment, frustration, exhaustion, and possibly second-guessing your decision to enter this new marriage.

Our experience in working as counselors with so many remarried couples and blended families over the years is that they enter these relationships with unrealistic expectations. They quickly become overwhelmed by all of the new, unexpected feelings and challenges that they simply weren’t prepared for. Typically, these kinds of issues never arose in their first marriages: how to prioritize the marriage over “my” kids, how to handle conflict with former spouses, how to contend with clashing parenting styles, how to resolve financial stressors (especially if one or both parents pay child support or spousal support), how to determine what’s “yours” and what’s “mine,” how to confront divided loyalties, how to promote unity…the list truly goes on. And couples often express feeling lost as to where to find help, resources, and support.

These statistics and anecdotes may sound daunting, scary, or even hopeless. Both of us are personally familiar with the pain, fear, loneliness, hopelessness, guilt, betrayal, despair, and overwhelming disappointment that accompany divorce. But we have also experienced and continue to live in the amazing joy that comes with remarriage. We are here to give you great hope that it can be done and that there is great joy and satisfaction in the adventure of remarriage and blending a family.

We’ve written Marrying Again to address you wherever you may find yourself today, whether you’re newly divorced, dating, in a serious relationship heading toward remarriage, or already remarried. Each devotion contains a Scripture verse, a reading, a “Take Action” step to encourage reflection and personal growth, and a closing prayer. If you read this book with another person, we highly recommend that each reader uses his or her own copy.

In these pages, we share knowledge, wisdom, and skills we have learned not only from our professional backgrounds as counselors but also from real people and their real experiences, ours included. Our goals for this book are to bring you encouragement through stories and lessons, to identify the most common feelings and challenges unique to remarriage and blended families, to promote realistic expectations, and to help you connect and remain connected with yourself, with God, and with each other—one day at a time.

Please take a few minutes to write down and share with your partner three goals that you hope to reach by reading this book together. For example, your goals may be to work better as a team and to become a united front, to learn not to blame each other when problems arise, or to support each other in concrete, tangible ways. It is important to set goals as a couple, and perhaps in time, you can set goals for your family together with the kids.

You and the children you bring into this adventure are precious gifts loved by God. And this loving God will walk with you, guiding, directing, supporting, and encouraging you every step of the way. Place your trust in him, and he will unwrap the gift of this adventure alongside you more and more each day.

1

Stories

I can do everything through Christ,who gives me strength.

PHILIPPIANS 4:13 NLT

It is a joy and a gift to marry again. It truly is a gift because neither of us planned on remarrying after our divorces. We stumbled into each other’s lives as temporary coworkers. Both of us stepped back and watched as the days and months went on and as our relationship grew warmer. Eventually, we both decided that we wanted and needed to make our relationship permanent. Since 1987, I have had the privilege of calling Nancy—a faithful, generous, and creative woman—my spouse.

When I, Nancy, married in 1971, I never expected that marriage to end. Divorce was certainly never even a thought. Growing up, it was my family’s moral and spiritual belief that marriage was a sacred, permanent commitment and that divorce was never an option. My parents modeled this commitment, and I remember listening to their negative remarks whenever they heard that people we knew were getting divorced.

But after fifteen years and two children, my marriage did end, marking the beginning of some painful years. Throughout that time, I felt judged and abandoned by my family, guilty because of my spiritual beliefs, and both stunned and numb from having to reorient myself to a life I never expected to live: that of a single parent and most likely without a life partner. But God had another plan and one that I never could have imagined. His plan included a new husband, his three children, and a challenging but exciting adventure as a blended family.

With God’s help, we did a few things right from the very beginning. We shared a strong relationship with God. We moved slowly, talking and listening to each other for hours. We shared agony over not being with our children all of the time, and we often held each other in tears and in prayer. We have remained partners in this great adventure called the blended family, experiencing together both great joy and pain while remaining supportive through it all. We have lived one day at a time, so as not to become overwhelmed, discouraged, or disappointed by unrealistic expectations.

It is a joy and a gift to marry again.

Now, after more than thirty-five years of marriage, we continue to enjoy the adventure. It still has its joys and pains, of course, but when we look back on our years together, we can also see all of the gifts that God brought us. We have five healthy, grown children, who enjoy good relationships with each other and with both of us, and six beautiful grandchildren.

Most importantly, we see the incredible spiritual growth that made it possible to navigate challenges with optimism and hope. It is abundantly clear that we have made it through so much together only because of God. And we still count on him and trust in his help for the years and experiences that he has for us in the future. We know he gives us his strength to do all things.

Take Action

Consider your story in brief. Is a previous marriage part of your or your partner’s history? What about children? What hopes, dreams, and wishes do you hold for yourself and for your partner and children (for both the present and in the future)? What concerns, fears, or stressors do you have? Share them with your partner. What vision(s) for the future do you share?

Gracious God, you guide us on the right paths and encourage us when we do not know which way to turn. You are our strength when we are discouraged and our source of joy in good times. Help us trust in you always.

2

The Bible and Divorce

There is now no condemnationfor those who are in Christ Jesus.

ROMANS 8:1 NIV

In my many years of serving as both counselor and consultant, I, Ron, have had the privilege of working with a wide variety of people: single, married, separated, divorced, widowed, religious, nonreligious, and from one end of the spiritual spectrum to the other. Some are entirely unconcerned with the Bible’s message regarding divorce, and others live in fear of it. There are countless theological arguments about divorce, all of which can be unsettling. To better understand the Bible’s perspective on the matter, let’s examine Scripture itself.

The Bible references the word divorce twenty times, and most of these references are not exactly comforting. One verse that is particularly clear about divorce and tends to be cited most is Malachi 2:16, in which the Lord says, “I hate divorce!” (NLT). It’s true; the Lord does hate divorce. He does not wish it for any of his children. But if we, as divorced people, read this verse out of context and only that verse, we find ourselves in a hopeless, depressing dilemma. We need to consider it alongside Matthew 19:8, which explains that divorce became a “concession” even though it was not what God originally intended.

The teaching that tends to soften the impact of these kinds of condemning verses is that God hates sin but loves the sinner. In Romans 8, Paul writes these convincing words: “There is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus…If God is for us, who can ever be against us?…Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself” (vv. 1, 31, 33 NLT). These verses in Romans should bring your heart and mind tremendous relief. They promise that nothing can separate us from the love of God expressed in Christ Jesus. Nothing!

Nothing can separate us from the love of God expressed in Christ Jesus.

This promise comes directly from God, yet so many of us look at this truth from a distance, casually writing it off as if it’s simply too good to be true. We expect a hook of some kind to imply that we will surely pay for our mistakes. We might beat ourselves up over our errors and sins and feel unworthy of God’s promise. But hopefully, a day will come when we accept the free grace in Jesus that God offers us. That will be a day to celebrate as one of complete closure and total freedom.

It is wise to bring closure to all matters related to our divorce so that we can live in God’s promise. If you continue to experience anxiety, fear, or consternation over the Bible’s message on divorce, we encourage you to consult with a counselor or pastor who can help you find closure. The National Christian Counselors Association’s website4 can provide names of counselors near you.

Take Action

Let God be God. Let him make good on all of his promises. Trust him. Let go of whatever negativity you’ve endured or continue to endure and seek comfort and solace in him. Draw near to him. Thank him for the grace found in Christ. Share these truths with your spouse and your children.

Thank you, Lord God, for your compassion, your forgiveness, and your grace. I know that nothing I have done or will do can separate me from your love. I am so grateful for my relationship with you.

3

God’s Unconditional Love

“Never will I leave you;never will I forsake you.”

HEBREWS 13:5 NIV

Divorce can bring with it such profound loneliness. We lose our dayto-day partner and might even lose connections with friends, who are now potentially having to contend with matters of loyalty, personal beliefs about divorce, or uncertainties about what to say or do. As a result, many of us feel judged, abandoned, and alone, and we self-isolate out of sheer emotional exhaustion. This is when we turn to God and his unconditional love.

We must remember that Jesus came to bring the abundant life: “I came to give life—life in all its fullness” (John 10:10 NCV). The abundant life means that we are to receive all that God wants to give us. God forgives us for all of our failures and sins. He redeems us, he cleanses us, and his love for us is unconditional. He leads us into a new season of life, and he never abandons us.

Once we embrace the grace found in Jesus, we no longer need to justify, explain, or blame because he understands. He does not want us to suffer; he came to set us free. He accepts us as we are and loves us the same—divorce and all. Whatever others might think or say about divorce becomes irrelevant. It should no longer impact or weigh us down because there is no condemnation for those of us who are in Christ Jesus.

Jesus accepts us as we areand loves us the same—divorce and all.

For both of us, divorce was considered the ultimate “bad sin” in our minds and the minds of our family, church, and others, but it was Jesus who reassured us that he would not forsake us. We clung to the knowledge that he understood our anguish. Independently, we did the necessary, important, personal work that accompanies the trauma of a divorce. Healing came, and hope was revived. The sun began to shine again. To this day, God continues to strengthen our faith in him and our bond as a couple.

What an amazing gift we have in Jesus’ grace. And it is the acceptance of this gift that helps us forgive and accept ourselves and others so that we can enjoy life with hope and anticipation. This gift of grace helps us graciously receive the new gifts that God brings us each day.

Take Action

Are you ready to trust Jesus’ promise that he will never leave you? If you are not quite there yet, then ask him to help you believe him. Ask him to give you the courage to move forward in life with your eyes and heart wide open.

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for the gift of your faithful and abiding presence in my life. You are my great physician and good Shepherd, and I appreciate what you have done and continue to do for me. I know that you will always be there for me and that I can count on your unconditional love.

4

Beauty from Ashes

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes.

ISAIAH 61:1, 3 NIV

A good friend of mine invited me, Ron, for lunch a few weeks after my divorce was finalized. Knowing this friend was a good listener and a wise man, I launched into my thoughts and feelings: “I feel like a failure. My divorce has devasted me,” I confessed. “I am in great pain about my kids and not being with them all of the time. I feel like my career as a counselor has been destroyed. Like never before in my life, I feel defeated and hopeless.”

I’d become the host of my own pity party, and my friend waited patiently for an opportunity to respond. “Ron, I know that your divorce is a horrible development in your life, but I also know that good will come from this. You will be a better man because of everything you’ve been through. You will be a better counselor and have greater credibility and compassion because you have been in the trenches with more than half of the people you see.”

Here’s the truth about divorce. It’s a terrible, painful rupture in what once was a beautiful, love-filled, joyful union. But divorce is not the end of life. It may feel like it, but it’s not. Divorce and all of the trouble that comes with it can inspire self-assessment, and that self-assessment and personal reflection can lead to positive, healthy changes in our lifestyles, attitudes, and relationships.

Divorce and all of the trouble that comes with it can inspire self-assessment, and that self-assessment and personal reflection can lead to positive, healthy changes in our lifestyles, attitudes, and relationships.

For example, a difficult but necessary question we must honestly ask ourselves is what contributions we made to the ending of the marriage. By placing our focus on our own behavior rather than on our former spouse’s, we develop self-awareness, and that awareness and admission of our mistakes, flaws, and shortcomings open the door to positive change. We become able to identify parts of ourselves that need growth and change, and then we can ask God for help to do things differently in the future. This is the kind of self-assessment and reflection that lead to a rich, wholesome remarriage.

Feelings are a powerful part of the human experience, and they certainly influence our behavior, so it’s critical for us to recognize, acknowledge, and process them with respect, compassion, and understanding. When we do this, we not only avoid getting trapped in the ashes of our past and our feelings, but we also become empowered to experience the beauty that God has planned for us.

One of the greatest lessons we can learn from the ending of our marriage is that we can and will survive and thrive. In fact, we can become the healthier, better versions of ourselves that God intends us to be. That’s why the next five entries are dedicated to exploring some of the most common feelings experienced with divorce: disappointment, anger, guilt, loss, and grief.

Take Action

Read Isaiah 61:1–3. Now think back on your life, consider the ashes, and recognize the beauty that has emerged. Share these reflections with your partner.

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for the wisdom and encouragement that come from true friends. Thank you for pulling me out of the ashes and sharing with me all of the hope found in you. Help me see the beauty that you have created in my life and in the world. I pray that my life displays your splendor to those around me.

5

Disappointment

“I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,plans to give you hope and a future.”

JEREMIAH 29:11 NIV

It’s often said that expectation is the root of all disappointment. While that may be true, we carry expectations nonetheless—of ourselves, our spouse or partner, children, friends, and coworkers, among others. Most of our expectations stem from our own desires and needs. We tend to assume that others not only understand and intrinsically know what those needs are and how to meet them but that they will also take whatever action is required to meet them. Since humans are not mind readers, you can see how unrealistic expectations set us up for disappointment.