Minds like Midnight Blue E-Book

Alina Bachmann

• Herausgeber: BoD - Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Fantasy und Science-Fiction
• Serie: Midnight Blue
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Seitenzahl: 408

Beschreibung

Ramon is 6 years old when he has his first vision where he sees his new friend Luana die. Shortly after that, she really dies which changes his life forever. When he grows older, his visions change and appear more frequently but they always end the same; the person in the vision dies. Because his mother wishes him to do so, Ramon starts seeing a therapist who doesn't want to believe what he sees. She misdiagnoses him until Ramon slowly starts to accept that he is mentally ill. One day, however, a new girl moves into the apartment building he lives in. A new girl named Luna who seems to be surprisingly similar to Luana.

Leseprobe

For Judith, who always believed in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 1

Even though it had happened more than 12 years ago, to him it felt like it was just yesterday. The memory didn’t vanish, it burned itself down into his mind, and he doubted that he would ever be able to forget this certain day when, until today, he wasn’t anywhere near able to repress these memories.

Summer. He has always loved the summer. He loved spending his time outside, to go on adventures together with his dozens of friends, and to stay up longer since the sun shone bright until the evening hours and therefore enlightened the night.

It has always been easy for him to make new friends or to talk to other people, which made him a very appreciated friend and contact person. If his friends wanted to go and play outside, they always asked him first if he wanted to join them. He was popular, and his very short life of six years went normal until this certain day. The day that had changed everything.

It was a regular Saturday morning, like any other, and his mother decided it was time to spontaneously visit his grandmother. Immediately, he packed the most important things he would need for the long journey into his small backpack. His mother added a couple of socks and other clothes since they wanted to stay at his Grandmother’s place for two days. Then their trip started.

He was looking forward to seeing the old mansion of his Grandma, which lied between a big, adventurous forest and a playground. He couldn’t imagine a place more beautiful than this one anywhere in the world.

The ride didn’t feel as long to him as it used to, he could even feel how he grew up and became more and more patient with time. He had learned to wait and therefore time flew by quickly. His tiny heart beat fast, caused by all the excitement he felt when they drove through the forest that led to his Grandma’s house.

He loved the old mansion that was covered in ivy where his Grandma lived since he was born. He was fascinated by the huge windows that let the sun get inside the cold-looking house and fill it with light and warmth. Also, he enjoyed the playful garden filled with bushes of roses and a small pavilion next to a tiny pond. He knew that the house with many rooms had lived through better times, but he loved everything about it.

The mansion was old, but even though her children have always told her to renovate it so the roof wasn’t literally falling down on her, his Grandma refused to do it. She has always said that the house was a piece of history, and it was her duty to protect it. He agreed with her because he was fascinated by the fact that this old house still stood at the same place where it had been built after all these times, even though he only knew parts of the history of the building. One day, his Grandma had said, he would get to know the full history, but for now, he was too young to understand.

After some of his other family members had arrived at the old mansion, they had coffee and cake in the small garden. The adults were happy to see each other again since they all lived in different cities spread throughout the country and barely saw each other anymore. He, however, felt lost because there were no kids his age that he could play with. That’s why his mother allowed him to go to the playground nearby, whereupon he immediately stormed out of the mansion and onto the playground.

As always, it wasn’t difficult for him to connect with other children and make new friends. Soon, he joined a group of four boys to play hide and seek. He realized quickly that a tiny girl was following him. He eyed her closely and asked her if she wanted to join them, but she denied his question. She had already asked one of the other boys if she could play along, but they didn’t want her to. She didn’t even know why it made her feel sad, and neither did she know why she liked observing one of the boys so much.

To break the silence that was crawling over them, he asked her for her name; Luana. Her freckled cheeks started glowing out of joy when she told him her name. Before he could tell her his name, his new friends were saying goodbye because it started getting late and their parents wanted to leave. On the inside, she was happy that his friends needed to leave, but on the outside, she didn’t show it. The only thing that made her mad was the fact that he couldn’t tell her his name. She, indeed, knew it already since she had heard one of his friends call him, but she didn’t want him to know that.

When he came back from saying goodbye to his new friends, he asked her how old she was. Shily, she looked at her hands and showed five fingers. To show her his age, he wanted to touch her hands and stick out another finger, a sixth one. So, he carefully grabbed her hand, but the moment their fingers touched, something strange happened.

A quick tingle shot through his body and stopped as quickly as it had started. He realized that he curled his forehead, then his view turned completely black. However, it didn’t stay black for long. Almost immediately he could see colors again. Firstly everything was blurred, then it became more and more clear.

Now he wasn’t standing on the playground anymore, but in the middle of a street in front of a big apartment building with a garden. He saw a woman who looked astonishingly much like Luana, then he could see her as well. Luana was playing with a tiny ball. Suddenly, the ball rolled on the street, and Luana ran after it without paying any attention to her environment. She didn’t see the car that was on the road. But he could see it. He couldn’t do anything. Rattling. Screaming. The door of a car. A crying mother. Voices. Multiple voices. Multiple voices that were all talking at the same time. Silence.

His view became blurry again, then black, and in the end, he returned to where he previously stood on the playground. A strange daydream.

He had to blink multiple times until he could think clearly again. Everything happened so fast, she didn’t even realize something was wrong. And before he could say anything else or even tell her that he was six years old, her mother had called her. Shockingly, he had to admit that the woman who introduced herself as Luana’s mother looked exactly like the woman in his daydream.

They said goodbye but agreed to meet again the next day. Then she entered their car and saw how he looked after them until they vanished behind a corner. The next morning, he was eager to go back to the playground and didn’t want to be late under any circumstances. He couldn’t explain his excitement.

Eventually, he sat down on one of the swings on the edge of the playground and waited. After some time, it started to rain, but he didn’t want to get back to the mansion; he didn’t want to miss her. So, he stayed. And waited. The rain passed, children came and went, but she didn’t come.

After some time, he saw a familiar face. It was Luana’s mother. She told him that he should go back home because Luana wouldn’t come and play with him. She didn’t even have to tell him the reason why. He already knew what had happened.

His daydream became a reality.

Luana was dead.

“You don’t look too well,” Mrs. Müller said and sighed.

“I never look too well,” he answered coldly.

He was tired of wasting five hours of his week in her doctor’s office without making any progress.

“You are so pessimistic again,” she reminded him, and put on her pink glasses that were hanging on some threats around her neck like a very ugly necklace.

She started to read the journal that he had handed her a few minutes ago and uttered things like ‘interesting’ or ‘strange’. When she had finished the latest pages, she put her glasses down and looked at him sternly.

“I can’t see any irregularities in your dream journal. No panic or anxiety, no daydreams, no negative thoughts anymore. You do know what that means, don’t you?”

“You can finally release me?” he asked full of hope.

“No”, she shook her head. “It means that we need to change something. If you are not ready to open up after more than 10 years, I have to pass you on to another therapist. You do know that I’m very interested in your case, but it would be for the best. I can’t help you if you won’t stop writing made-up stories in your journal.”

Her voice was calm and neutral, but still, it made him feel upset. How should he be honest if no one wanted to believe him?

“Did you have any more of your dreams?” she tried again.

“They are no dreams. They are visions,” he corrected her.

He hated this discussion. It was such a waste of time. Throughout the past 13 years, he has become more and more certain that the accident with Luana was no coincidence. It was a prediction, but nobody believed him.

Narcolepsy, PTSD, severe anxieties, and depression – this was what the therapist, whom he was seeing voluntarily at the beginning, has diagnosed him with. Nowadays, he just continued to see her because he had promised his mother to become healthy again and to get in control of his life. This happened before he felt that her time was up.

Again, he saw her dead before it happened. It was just one of the multiple deaths he had predicted. That’s why he was sure his visions were real. On the other hand, it just confirmed Mrs. Müller in her diagnosis.

“Ramon,” she said softly, trying to bring him back to reality. “You know that the human brain can manipulate memories in a way that makes you think you’ve predicted them before they happened.”

Her voice became sterner.

He gulped.

Of course, he knew her theory was valid, but he had already tried writing down his visions before they became reality to prove to himself that he was not insane. And he was right every damn time. But he didn’t tell her. He didn’t care that Mrs. Müller probably felt superior with her knowledge. He knew the truth.

“If you say so,” he murmured, visibly annoyed by her omniscient attitude.

Yes, he was only 19 years old, and therefore way younger than her, but still, he knew more about himself than she would ever know. He just had to wait for the right moment and the right shreds of evidence to show her that she had been wrong all the time.

It simply couldn’t be a coincidence anymore that his predictions have always changed since the day they started. In the beginning, they were triggered through physical contact. Later, it had to be eye contact. Now, it was enough that he saw a human being from somewhere. His predictions became more random and, therefore, uncontrollable.

“The time is up,” Mrs. Müller said after checking her watch.

Relieved, he said goodbye and exited her office. He was free again.

Fortunately, the streets were still empty. The fewer people, the better. Few people meant that his visions wouldn’t occure that often or not at all.

Quickly, he entered his car, which was gifted to him by his dad for his 18th birthday, and drove down the two streets that were separating his apartment from the therapist’s office. He could easily walk back to his apartment at this time of day, but he didn’t want to risk seeing anyone. He preferred being alone.

There were only two reasons for him to leave his apartment anyway: grocery shopping and therapy. The rest of the time, he spent all alone at home. Even though he still had his father, he had moved out as quickly after graduation as he could. He had told him that it was easier for him to focus on work if he lived alone. But the truth was that he was afraid to watch him die as well. This fear ruled over his life, so he preferred being left alone for most of the time.

After he had turned seven, he cut the contact with all of his friends because he had predicted the death of one of them. Only one friend remained: Tim. His best friend. For some reason – that he couldn’t explain – Tim has endured him and his odd behavior, which made it impossible for him to burn the bridges between them. Perhaps this friendship was a good thing. Without any friends, he might become mad or insane, but with Tim, he knew that one person in this world got his back despite his visions. It was a welcome compensation for all the hours spent in Mrs. Müller’s office, who treated him like he was lacking something.

Usually, it was easy to find a parking spot in front of his house since there weren’t many cars driving through his street. That’s why he was confused to see a huge moving truck parked in front of the apartment building. He couldn’t remember that anyone had moved out of the building; however, he wasn’t particularly interested in his neighbors either.

Usually, he avoided meeting his neighbors since the day he moved into his apartment. He didn’t want to talk to them or even see them. That’s why he learned to fit into the rhythm of the apartment complex.

He knew at what time he could leave his apartment without meeting anyone on the staircase. It worked well, up until now and most of his neighbors have never met him. Occasionally, he couldn't prevent meeting the old lady from the first floor. He simply couldn't pretend to be an asshole and ignore her greetings, and for now, these brief meetings always went fine. But he knew this was no assurance for eternity.

Hesitant, he left his car and tried to sneak into the building as unobtrusively as possible. Relieved, he realized that no one was near the moving truck, so he tried to hurry up.

Again, he managed to enter his apartment on the fifth floor without seeing a single soul.

Chapter 2

It took a long time until all the moving boxes were brought into the apartment. Therefore tired, she fell on her bed. Somehow, moving felt way easier in the past, which could’ve been caused by the fact that she used to be a child when they moved the last time, and she didn’t need to help anywhere. Now she was old enough to help her mom.

Tired and exhausted, she glanced at her alarm clock that was standing on her improvised nightstand – a moving box – to realize more time had already passed than she thought. She sat up, yawned, and stretched her joints. There was no way she could avoid a hot shower today. It was Sunday and already way too late. She had sweated a lot and felt absolutely exhausted, but this didn’t change the fact that she had to get ready for school the next day.

Nobody would care that she was already tired of this town, even though she just spent her weekend helping her mom move here. Her life had to continue normally, and no one would care about her problems. She really couldn’t understand why her mom wanted to move away so urgently. And even less why her choice fell on this ugly city when there were so many prettier ones in the world.

She left the shower and wrapped the first towel she could find in the chaos around her body. Before she left the bathroom, her gaze remained on her mirror reflection. She could barely recognize herself. Her skin was pale, and there were visible dark circles around her eyes. Besides that, she still couldn’t find anything on her face that was close to being beautiful. Not today.

Today was not her day. She had figured that out first thing in the morning when she had to say goodbye to her best friend Sina for an uncertain amount of time.

They had been friends since forever. The two of them were like sisters, even though both of them were only children. And even their looks used to be quite similar since both of them had long brown hair and freckles. Just her blue eyes made her look different than Sina.

When they grew older, they looked less and less alike, but this didn’t hurt their friendship at all. Damn. She wanted to go back.

She didn’t want to go to a new school, and even less in the middle of the school year. If it would’ve been after some sort of holiday or even vacation, it would be okayish. But in the middle of the school year sucked because she would be the center of attention, and she wanted everything but being noticed by anyone. She didn’t even want to try to make friends. She just wanted to survive day by day until she would graduate.

“Luna, if you want to be at school on time, get up!” she heard her mother shout.

A quick glance at her alarm clock told her that she was already late. Fuck.

She hurried up and put on the first jeans she could find. She then combined a gray top with her black leather jacket, and she was ready to go. After checking herself out in the mirror again, she had to admit that she looked way better than the day before, so she would not need to put on any foundation or concealer today.

“I’m ready,” she screamed, and stormed out of the bathroom.

On her way out, she grabbed her breakfast and a cup of coffee that was already prepared by her mom and left on the kitchen counter. Then she went outside her apartment on the fourth floor.

The way to her new school was definitely shorter than it used to be in her previous home; therefore, she could walk without any problem. In her hometown, she always had to rely on the bus.

In front of the building, she took a deep breath, then she entered.

The entrance door was way heavier than it looked. I wondered how tinier students should be able to open the door if I, a student in 11th grade, had issues opening this damn door. I had to admit that there were people from 7th grade that were way taller than me, though I wouldn’t say that I was super tiny either.

So, there I was, standing in the entrance hall of my new school. I had to admit that I imagined the school to be totally different than it was. I was somehow expecting it to be less old and less desolate. But this was great. I liked old things.

The walls of the entrance hall were made of dark, slightly mossy stones, which made the hall look dark but somehow magical. The dark ceiling was high, so it looked like the walls were going nowhere. And if I would’ve seen a witch flying on a broom, it wouldn’t even have surprised me. The whole place just seemed supernatural to me.

In the middle of the round entrance hall stood a tree, and below that tree was an old wooden bench. However, the tree felt so oddly out of place in this dark hall. It seemed like magic that the tree was able to survive here even though its photosynthetic potential couldn’t be all too high. Nerd, I called myself out and forced my glance away from the tree, the center of the hall.

I could see some tables and benches on the opposite wall of the entrance door. This was probably where the students were sitting during their breaks and hours off. There were two hallways on each, the left and right side of me. So far, I couldn’t tell where they would lead to. But I could already tell that I would get lost in this school on a daily basis. One would need a GPS to find the correct way. Or maybe I just needed one.

I’m directionally challenged, but I had other well-hidden talents. So well hidden that I didn’t even know them.

Eventually, I could snap out of my stiffness that was triggered by both my fascination and dislike for this place. I didn’t realize that the entrance hall was empty by now; school has started. And since I was already late, I didn’t have much time to look for the office where I could get my timetable. But now I was the only breathing creature in this hall, and the school looked way bigger and way more confusing than I estimated. To sum it up, I had no clue where to go next.

Desperately, I made my way to the tree and sat down on the bench. From there, I had a better view of the hallways. They could’ve at least put up some signs, I complained in my thoughts. Why did we have to move here?

“What are you waiting for?” I heard a voice behind me.

Scared I turned around, but there was no one.

Was I losing my mind, or was the tree talking to me?

“I’m not waiting for anything,” I claimed awkwardly and confusedly at the same time.

“And what else are you doing here?” the strange voice kept on asking.

This couldn’t be real. I was talking to a tree. A damn tree. This wasn’t possible. This couldn’t be possible.

“Thinking about the meaning of life. What else should I be doing here?” I asked ironically.

“If you are looking for the student’s office, I can bring you there.”

While I was wondering if it was normal to talk to a tree and even more, if it was possible that this tree could show me the way, the silhouette of a human person appeared out of the shadow of the tree.

“Before you look at me like you’ve seen a ghost, no, I didn’t come out of the tree. I just came in late and thought you could need some help,” he laughed and came closer. “I’m Julius, by the way.”

“And I’m going to be late to class on my first day here,” I answered coldly.

Julius laughed briefly, then we went to the student’s office.

“See ya,” he said, and waved slightly.

I didn’t say anything but opened the brown, heavy door that parted the hallway from the office.

“Excuse me for being late, but I’m the new student here,” I said apologetic.

“This isn’t a problem at all. For new students, this school can be a maze,” the secretary responded friendly.

She looked through some binders and gave me multiple sheets of paper, like my timetable, but also some information about the school and its rules. Friendly, I said goodbye and made my way back to the entrance hall since it was the only place I felt comfortable going to.

I put my bag on top of one of the tables and took a closer look at all the papers.

The last paper I checked was my timetable. And with the appearance of the school, it wouldn’t have surprised me if I would’ve had classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts. Obviously, my timetable was normal, as were all the classes I had.

According to my timetable, I would have history class now. Fortunately, there were some short descriptions of the rooms on one of the papers, so it wasn’t that hard for me to find the correct room. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have found the room in time, probably. Maybe I wouldn’t have found the way at all.

In front of my history room, I stopped and took a few minutes to listen to the voice of the teacher to make sure I was in fact in front of the correct room. After I heard words like “Prussia” and “Wilhelm II”, I was convinced that this was the right place.

I was ready to enter the room. I just had to open the door. I just had to put a little bit more pressure on the doorknob. It shouldn’t be that difficult, but I simply couldn’t do it. So, I stood there in front of the door, debating whether I should enter the room and say something or rather stay in the hallway. I was sure I could do it. I just had to enter and throw myself on the first free seat that I would see. I was ready.

My hand tried another attempt at pushing down the doorknob. I could feel the cold metal in my hands. I just had to use a little bit of strength to open it.

I took a deep breath.

Then I felt some movement from the doorknob and someone else opened the door from the inside. Quickly, I jumped back so I wouldn’t get hit by the door.

On the other side of the doorframe was a boy who cringed slightly when he saw me. I couldn’t prevent my cheeks from turning red. Confused and annoyed, the boy walked past me and vanished through the next best door.

My cheeks were still red while I was standing between the open door and the dark hallway.

Damn. Damn. Damn.

This could only happen to me.

“And who are you?” the teacher asked me.

“Luna,” I answered quietly, so only he could hear it.

“You have to be the new student,” he figured out after some incredibly painful silence.

I nodded.

“Come inside and sit down.”

I looked down at the ground when I entered and desperately looked for an unoccupied table.

“There is some free seat next to Jane”, the teacher said.

But how the fuck should I know who Jane is?

Jane turned out to be the girl with the curly blond hair that was sitting in the last row and chewing on her bubble gum. Uncertain, I sat down next to her, and the teacher continued his lesson.

Fortunately, I didn’t see the guy that almost crashed into me anymore.

“Jane, could you maybe show Luna around during the break?” the teacher asked.

Apparently, now the teachers were making new friends for me.

Like me, Jane was not very interested in getting to know me or even introducing me to her friends. Still, she navigated us into the entrance hall and to her group of friends.

In the darkest and loneliest corner of the round hall sat a group of five people. Unfortunately, I recognized the guy from history class as well as Julius.

“Finn,” Jane said, and sat down next to the history class guy, who immediately tried to get a bit of personal space by moving more to the side.

Jane didn’t seem to realize this; she was way too busy admiring him from her position.

I felt lost standing within a group of strangers, and all I hoped for was that Julius wouldn’t talk to me. I couldn’t even tell what I didn’t like about him, but something about him was odd and annoying.

“Did you find the right room?” Julius asked, and smiled at me.

“Yes. The descriptions on the timetable are quite good,” I answered politely.

Without breaking the eye contact, he pushed some of his blond hair out of his face. This steady eye contact made me feel even more uncomfortable than before.

“Were you at least somehow on time?” he desperately tried to keep the already dying conversation alive.

“She even had enough time to stand in front of the door for some minutes,” the guy from history class, Finn, entered the conversation (quicker than I had entered the room).

He smiled apologetically at me.

I sighed.

This situation was more than awkward.

“Don’t worry. We’ve all been new here once,” Finn tried to cheer me up a bit.

“But probably not in the middle of the year but at the start of the school year. So, you’ve never been the only new person here,” I said.

“That’s true. But this doesn’t mean that we felt less insecure than you,” Finn started. “When I was new here, I was pretty insecure, to be honest.”

I eyed him closely.

He didn’t look like someone that even knew the words ‘insecurity’ or ‘self-doubt’. He was tall, with dark brown hair, and brown eyes, dressed in all black clothes that looked like they were fashionable and trendy. It was impossible that he didn’t belong to the cool and popular people in this school.

Perhaps Jane and I had the same thoughts because she suddenly entered this irrelevant conversation: “This is so not true. From day one, you were talking to everyone and making jokes with the teachers.”

“Oh, was this on my first day? I couldn’t remember,” he answered coolly.

This just reassured me in thinking that he was not as insecure as he wanted me to think.

“What class do you have next?” Finn asked.

I put my bag on the table and started looking for my timetable.

“Biology.”

“If you want to, I can show you the room so you don’t have to wait in front of the door for that long,” he offered politely, and winked at me.

“I think I’m fine on my own,” I denied his offer.

“You can show me the way to the gym,” Jane said, and grabbed Finn’s arm.

As if he did it all the time, he shook her hand off and politely said: “You can find the way on your own, I’m sure of that.”

She didn’t look happy, so I decided it would be the perfect moment for me to leave.

“I guess I go and look for the room,” I quickly said and left.

I still felt them, especially Jane, look at me while I was already gone.

I was relieved when I found the biology room, but even more so when I realized that my last two classes were canceled so I could walk home earlier than expected.

Today was strange, and I just wanted to go back to bed. I didn’t want to talk to anyone and just sleep.

Exhausted, I carried myself upstairs when someone talked to me.

“Are you the new neighbor from the fourth floor?”

I heard a friendly voice behind me.

Slowly, I turned around.

“We just moved in here yesterday,” I answered politely.

“I saw that,” the older lady responded.

Confused I looked at her and eyed her long, white hair that almost reached her belly button. Her gray eyes had some sparkle in them, and there were a lot of wrinkles around her mouth. In addition to her friendly and open way of talking, she seemed quite likeable.

“How do you like it here?” she asked.

“It’s nice,” I lied.

There was nothing I could say about this city. The only thing that I had seen outside of my bedroom was the school. I didn’t have the time to go out and explore the town, and I didn’t want to do it alone anyway.

“That’s great,” she said more to herself than to me.

I gave her a quick smile and waited.

I thought she would go back to her apartment, but she didn’t. Instead, she stood not more than two steps apart from me and didn’t look like she was planning on moving any time soon.

“I like it here a lot as well,” she said after some time.

Out of reflex, I nodded.

“But if you are alone like me, you don’t see much of the city anymore. So, don’t make the same mistakes as me. Go outside. Explore the city. Use the one life that you have and live it to its fullest.”

“Sure, I will,” I responded.

“If you ever feel alone, keep your eyes open. On the fifth floor, right on top of your apartment, lives a young man, not much older than you. Maybe he can show you around the city”, she winked at me like she just told me some kind of secret.

I highly doubted that I would let some kind of stranger show me around.

A noise disturbed the silence.

“Oh, my tea is ready. Have a great day, Luna!”

She hurried back into her apartment, and I had no other option than to stare after her.

How was it possible that she knew my name even though I tried so hard not to tell it anyone?

This thought was in my head for the rest of the evening until I could find some kind of explanation for it. She must’ve heard my mom call me at some point yesterday. There was no other way she could’ve know it.

The only good thing that came out of this day was that after the conversation with the old lady, the people from my school didn’t feel as odd as before. They suddenly seemed so normal.

At least the people from my school – and I won’t call them friends, especially not after a single day – didn’t try to play matchmaker for me and some stranger.

Chapter 3

7 a.m. Waking up. Getting dressed. Starting to drive. Wasting another hour of my life again for therapy without the chance of any success. Working. Avoiding all contact with other humans. Going to bed.

Since I graduated from school, my daily routine hasn’t change that much. I got used to it. I had to get used to it if I wanted to avoid seeing somebody die.

I would lie if I said I wasn’t afraid to form relationships with other people because, at some point in time, I was certain I would see them die. And I couldn’t stand this feeling anymore.

I was tired of planning my life around my visions. I was so sick of not being able to live the way I wanted to live, and maybe I was exhausted. Exhausted by my life.

On some days, I even believed Mrs. Müller with her diagnosis. Maybe throughout the years, I had gotten a bit depressed because I wasn’t sure how long I could continue living like this.

“How did you sleep?” Mrs. Müller looked at me the way one would look at an injured puppy.

“Bad,” I grumbled quietly.

It was probably the first time since I started therapy that I’d answered one of her questions honestly. Even Mrs. Müller must’ve realized that because I could see how a slight smile was twitching over her face.

“That’s a great start,” she said with a lowered voice. Maybe she was right and it was a proper start, but only for her; not for me.

“Did you have any more nightmares?” she continued with her questions after the silence that filled the white, cold room became unbearable.

I had to think about that question for a few seconds. If I was being honest, I couldn’t even remember my dreams from last night. The only thing I could remember was having a weird feeling that kept me awake at night. It was an unfamiliar feeling that I couldn’t describe in words, and I didn’t know if it was a negative feeling either. However, it kept me awake, whatever that said about me.

“Not really,” I answered, and observed the wrinkles that appeared on her forehead.

Before she could blame me for not being completely honest with her, otherwise, therapy wouldn’t make much sense if I won’t open up to her – especially since we had already made some progress in the right direction, according to her, and I had started to accept my problems – I added: “I can’t remember my dreams recently. I slept poorly, but it wasn’t my dream that kept me awake, I had trouble falling asleep.”

The wrinkles on her forehead didn’t vanish completely, and her glances seemed to be very critical, however, she looked happier than before.

Maybe I should stop trying to fight therapy. Maybe Mrs. Müller was right about everything. Maybe she was right I wasn’t normal, and I needed help.

How could I even be okay?

I saw more people die in front of my eyes than others would see in their whole life. Maybe it was okay to not be okay. To be weak. To admit to having problems. Maybe it was okay to be confused. Maybe it was okay to cooperate during therapy, and it wouldn’t mean being weak or anything like that. Maybe that was being strong?

Wasn't it strong to face your anxieties and admit to having problems in the first place? Wasn't it strong to work on yourself when the natural protection mechanisms of your body have failed and you couldn't repress all the emotions you've felt anymore?

I could even be happy about my body’s horrible protection mechanisms because one ends up with more problems if the body was always repressing all the memories and feelings. I read some articles about dissociation on the internet, and this really didn’t sound like it would be fun.

“I had such a strange feeling,” I continued while looking at the ground.

From the corners of my eyes, I could see that Mrs. Müller’s face lit up. It was the first time the therapy was successful, and I was cooperating with her.

“What kind of feeling?” she wanted to know.

I desperately tried to remember the feeling I had so I could somehow try to describe it or even figure out if it was positive or negative.

It took some time, but after some minutes, I could find the concentration that I needed to remember. I was thankful Mrs. Müller let me think in silence without asking any other stupid questions, like she always did when silence overtook the conversation.

I put my hands on my forehead as if it would make it easier for me to remember things, and started to breathe slowly and focused. It would probably be easier to remember if I would’ve had chewing gum. I once read that chewing gum could help one to remember things more easily. Of course, I could remember such bullshit, but I still couldn’t remember the feeling that kept me awake at night.

I tried to breathe even slower and massaged my forehead, which was covered in black strains of hair. Then, finally, I remembered that strange feeling. It was a feeling of connecting, or a connection with somebody or something. A feeling that made my heart beat faster and my pulse race. A feeling of activity. Of being active. Of doing something.

The harder I tried to remember the feeling in more detail, the blurrier the memory got. So that in the end, I wasn’t even sure if I was connected with anyone – it would be hilarious if it was that way anyway – or if there was another cause for my state of mind.

“It was a strange feeling,” he started talking even though he wasn’t ready to say anything yet.

Mrs. Müller looked at him with her eyes opened wide and her eyebrows raised. She was waiting for him to continue talking, but he didn’t.

Silence.

Then, after an eternity, he raised his head like he was in a trance and looked Mrs. Müller straight in the eyes. He didn’t know at all what he was doing. He had planned to be silent for as long as he was still unsure about what to say or how to explain that certain feeling. But something inside of him took over and controlled him.

“I had the feeling as if everything would end soon.” As soon as these words left his mouth, his head fell on his chest and his eyes were closed.

Not even Mrs. Müller could respond to him, she was way too confused about all the things that had happened during this therapy session.

“I feel like I was driven over by a truck,” I greeted Tim, who has just entered my apartment.

“I’m also happy to see you,” he said, grinning while throwing himself on my sofa.

I chuckled, shook my head, and took place next to him.

“So, what’s popping?” he asked.

“Why do you think there is anything special going on?”

“Ramon, you probably won’t believe me, but I know you for quite some time now… I realize if something is wrong.”

“You probably know me better than I know myself,” I said and sighed.

“That’s you talking. I wouldn’t have said it, but now that you said it, I can’t argue with that,” he laughed.

Sometimes it was hard to not be jealous of him. He was always so happy and cheerful. If it weren’t for me, he could even be popular and have lots and lots of friends. But here he was. Wasting his time with me when he could go outside and do all these things regular people our age would do.

Instead, he drove to my place when I asked him to, was always ready to pick up my calls, and all in all, he was there for me whenever I needed him. I couldn’t imagine a better best friend than him, but still, there were times I felt incredibly guilty about being friends with him. Tim could reach so much more in his life, and the only thing preventing him from doing so was me.

“I had a super odd therapy session today,” I started explaining what was going on during that hour of therapy.

Additionally, I told him everything, even the one thing I didn’t tell Mrs. Müller because I didn’t feel comfortable sharing that information with her, knowing she would probably misinterpret it.

While my head was resting on my chest, I started to black out, but I could see one thing clearly in front of my eyes: Luana’s face.

“Do you think it was another vision?”

Tim tried to understand what was going on.

“It was the weirdest vision I’ve ever had,” I confirmed his theory.

“But she is dead. She can’t die again,” I continued, and observed Tim, who was staring at me with his eyes wide open. He looked shocked.

“Do you think you are about to die?” he asked surprisingly seriously, and it took me a few moments until I could realize that he was actually worried.

“I don’t know… It’s all so confusing. First, the weird feeling – “

“– The feeling you’re about to die,” Tim interrupted me.

“Then my odd behavior, and then Luana – “

“– Who has already died.”

I just nodded silently.

“This does sound pretty much like dying, doesn’t it?” I murmured quietly.

Tim didn’t say anything.

He just looked at me in silence. It was uncommon for him to lack words to say. Since I knew him, he was always talkative and sarcastic. This was the very first time I saw him like that. The first time I could tell, he was desperately trying to find something to say. But it was understandable. I, myself, didn’t know what to say or what to think either.

Every single one of my visions had led to the death of the person that was in it, but Luana couldn’t die anymore. She was long gone. She was the first main character in one of my visions. It was the vision that started everything.

What if everything started with Luana, and now everything would end with her as well? It almost sounded plausible that another vision of her face would mark the end of my own life.

“Shit,” Tim screamed after some time, he probably had the same thought as me.

“What are we going to do?” he asked me.

I shrugged.

“I don’t know.”

Silence.

“I really don’t know… That’s why I hoped you could tell me how ridiculous I sound and that it’s all just bullshit.”

I tried to sound calm, but I failed miserably. All I could do was hope that Tim didn’t realize how shaky my voice was.

“All we can do is wait now, can’t we?” Tim asked.

“I don’t know.”

This time, there was no chance he could overhear the shaking in my voice.

“But don’t you think you would foresee your own death differently?” Tim thought out loud.

I didn’t say anything because my answer would be another ‘I don’t know’ which would not help the situation at all. Also, it felt like he was talking more to himself than to me anyway, so I didn’t want to interrupt his monologue.

“I mean, you foresaw every death in extreme detail. Why should this differ when it comes to your own death? Also, maybe it’s a good sign you saw Luana. Not everything has to be bad all the time. How could you even think about the feeling of having a connection with someone, and now you are so sure you are about to die? And are you certain you didn’t just feel a special connection with Luana? I mean, it was her face you saw…”

His thoughts burst out of him, and again, I felt guilty about burdening him with my problems. My whole life was a burden. I was a burden. And if I would die now, everything would become worse. His reaction to my problems only proved that it was valid to distance myself from other humans as much as possible. No one deserved a friend like me. No one deserved to be burdened like that.

After checking his watch, Tim realized that he would again be late for one of his appointments. I could tell he didn’t like the thought of leaving me alone for today, but I tried to subconsciously reassure him that I would be fine. Maybe I even needed to be alone to sort my thoughts.

It was not until Tim was gone that I realized how quiet it really was in my apartment. Usually, I didn’t notice how lonely I was because my apartment has never felt as silent as it did in that moment. I didn’t even feel like turning on the TV for some background noise. So, I decided to quickly grab the full trash bags that I had forgotten this morning and bring them down. After that, I could go to bed and sleep or something like that.

I opened the door to my apartment and carefully checked if I could hear any noises from the staircase. Nothing.

Quickly, I looked out of the window to see if anyone was on the street, but there was no one as well. The streets were completely empty. I didn’t expect it to be different. It was 4 p.m. Most of my neighbors were still working at this time, except for maybe the old lady from the first floor. But she wasn’t a problem for me. I could handle her.

I rushed down the stairs because I always needed to be aware of the fact that I could run into other people on the staircase. Even though it had always worked out so far, there was no guarantee it would always be that way in the future as well.

Unfortunately, I lost some time because I struggled to open the trash cans since I didn’t want to take my time to put down my trash bags. In my thoughts, I cursed a lot and decided I would always take my time to open the trash cans properly in the future. I was about to go back inside the house when I heard a voice.

Quickly, I rushed back to the trash cans and hoped that the person who belonged to that voice didn’t notice me. It must’ve been a visitor since the voice didn’t sound familiar to me at all.

The voices came closer, and I tried to calm down by telling myself that there was no chance anybody could’ve seen me hide behind the trash cans. If they could see me, however, it would become a very awkward situation since I was ducking behind a trash can, trying not to be seen. If someone didn’t know my story, they would expect me to be a creep.

While I was waiting for the voices to fade so I could get out of my hiding spot, I made amends with the fact that today was simply not my day. I would be able to go upstairs to my apartment eventually. But the voices didn’t fade away, not even after five more minutes of waiting. Sometimes the original voice was interrupted by another voice, but none of the voices sounded like they were about to vanish into the house any time soon.