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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Fachliteratur
- Sprache: Englisch
Improve your manners, navigate uncomfortable social situations, and show greater kindness to others Our world is constantly changing, but something that always remains true? Manners matter. Etiquette is about more than just knowing which fork to use at a fancy dinner or how to write a thank-you note. Modern Etiquette For Dummies shows you how to navigate tricky interpersonal scenarios and tough workplace dilemmas with ease. With the help of Dummies, you'll toss aside stuffy old notions of etiquette and discover how to conduct yourself in various environments. This book is full of helpful tips on tackling today's unique challenges, including how to use the right pronouns, how to behave on social media, how to maintain professionalism in hybrid work settings (like when is it okay to turn off your camera during a Zoom meeting?), and how to put your phone down so you can focus on what matters. * Learn important social expectations in informal, formal, and workplace settings * Discover how to navigate pronouns when unsure of someone's gender identity * Get up to date on the etiquette surrounding remote work, video calls, and more * Improve your reputation and communicate better with friends and family This Dummies reference is great for anyone who wants improved manners. Entering the business world? Traveling overseas? Hosting a dinner party? This is the book you need.
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Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2022
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Modern Etiquette For Dummies®
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Published simultaneously in Canada
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Library of Congress Control Number: 2022948276
ISBN 978-1-119-98284-5 (pbk); ISBN 978-1-119-98285-2 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-119-98286-9 (ebk)
Modern Etiquette For Dummies®
To view this book's Cheat Sheet, simply go to www.dummies.com and search for “Modern Etiquette For Dummies Cheat Sheet” in the Search box.
Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
About This Book
Foolish Assumptions
Icons Used in This Book
Beyond the Book
Where to Go from Here
Part 1: Taking the First Steps to Better Etiquette
Chapter 1: Examining Today’s Etiquette Basics
Taking Pride in Your Own Manners
Making Sure to Present Yourself Positively
Extending Courtesy to Everyone in Your Life
Saying the Right Thing
Entertaining (and Being Entertained) with Style
Handling Special Situations
Chapter 2: Becoming a Model of Good Manners
Practicing and Benefiting from Thoughtful Behavior
Giving and Receiving Compliments
Rising Above Rudeness
Chapter 3: Presenting Yourself Positively: Clothing, Grooming, and More
Putting Together a Winning Wardrobe
Dressing Appropriately for Any Occasion
Looking Neater, Cleaner, and More Attractive
Paying Attention to Your Body Language and Posture
Coping with Things That Sneak Up on You
Part 2: Fostering Well-Mannered Relationships
Chapter 4: Focusing on Courtesy with Your Family
Being Considerate of Your Better Half
Teaching Your Children Good Manners
Acting Politely with Extended Family
Keeping Faraway Relatives Close
Chapter 5: Appreciating the Art of Friendships and Relationships
Widening Your Circle of Friends
Maintaining Your Existing Friendships
Showing Courtesy to Members of the Opposite Sex
Surviving the Dating Scene
Chapter 6: Showing Civility in the Working World
Building Positive Relationships at Work
Handling Unfamiliar Situations
Part 3: Communicating with Courtesy: Saying Everything Right
Chapter 7: Engaging in Polite Conversation
Initiating a Conversation
Finding Something to Talk About
Listening: More than Not Talking
Winding Down a Conversation
Chapter 8: Sharpening Your Written Correspondence
Stocking Up on the Hardware of Letter Writing: Paper, Pen, and Other Fun Stuff
Selecting the Right Stationery
Crafting a Well-Written Letter
Writing Letters for Everyday Situations
Addressing Envelopes Appropriately
Chapter 9: Improving Your Phone Etiquette
Making and Receiving Calls
Using Voice Mail, Answering Machines, and Caller ID
Providing Phone Guidelines for Children
Minding Your Smartphone Manners: Text Messages, Photos, and Videos
Chapter 10: Crafting Appropriate Emails and Social Media Posts
Downloading Some Cyberspace Etiquette
Staying Safe on the Internet
Using High-Tech Gadgets Considerately
Navigating Social Media Platforms with Your Civility Intact
Chapter 11: Communicating in the Business World
Meeting and Greeting
Addressing Your Staff, Your Colleagues, and Your Boss
Surviving Meetings and Special Events in a Mannerly Way
Talking Business with the Help of Technology
Corresponding in Business Situations
Attending Virtual Meetings
Part 4: That’s Entertainment! Meals, Parties, and Gifts
Chapter 12: Eating Meals with Elegance
Behaving Properly After Everyone Is Seated
Looking at Table Settings
Mastering American and European Eating Styles
Eating Each Course of a Meal
Dealing with Difficult Foods
Making Deals While Breaking Bread
Recovering from Distressing Mealtime Moments and Common Blunders
Chapter 13: Celebrating the Wonders of Wine
Selecting a Pleasing Wine
Examining the Wine
Tasting Wine: An Art and a Pleasure
Getting a Grip on Wine Glasses
Savoring Champagne
Giving a Proper Toast
Drinking Alcoholic Beverages Sensibly
Chapter 14: Hosting a Memorable Event
Injecting Creativity and Organization into Your Party
Extending a Cordial Invitation
Arranging a Tasteful Menu
Welcoming Your Guests and Making a Great First Impression
Ending the Party
Something Special: Hosting a Semiformal or Formal Occasion
Chapter 15: Being a Gracious Guest
Responding to an Invitation
Arriving at an Event
Bringing a Gift
Mingling with Ease
Handling Any Situation Appropriately
Knowing When the Party’s Over
Being a Well-Mannered Houseguest
Following Up with a Thank-You Note
Chapter 16: Giving and Receiving Gifts Graciously
Looking at the Basic Responsibilities of the Giver and the Recipient
Walking through the Gift-Giving Process
Giving a Fitting Gift for the Occasion
Expressing Your Thanks for a Gift
Exchanging, Returning, or Refusing Gifts
Part 5: Making the Most of Special Situations
Chapter 17: Marking Life’s Major Events
Attending Weddings, Engagement Parties, Bridal Showers, and More
Celebrating the Birth of a Baby
Becoming an Adult
Dealing with a Loss
Chapter 18: On the Go: Travel Manners for Land, Sea, and Air
Planning a Trip with Minimum Fuss
Getting There Gracefully
Reaching Your Destination and Enjoying Your Stay
When in Rome: Navigating Your Way through International Cultures
Chapter 19: Being Sensitive about Disabilities and Illnesses
Using People-First Terminology
Understanding the Rules of Disability Etiquette
Dealing with Disability Issues in the Workplace
Doing the Right Thing When Someone Has an Illness or Serious Injury
Visiting the Sick in the Hospital and at Home
Talking to Your Children about People with Disabilities and Illnesses
Part 6: The Part of Tens
Chapter 20: Ten Airline Etiquette Tips
Paying Attention to Grooming and Attire
Being Respectful to the Flight Crew and Passengers
Sharing the Overhead Bins
Checking Before You Recline
Conversing Carefully
Using Technology Responsibly
Managing Your Little Ones
Watching How Much You Drink
Cleaning Up after Yourself
Exiting the Plane Politely
Chapter 21: Ten Social Etiquette Tips for All of Us
Displaying Civility and Basic Kindness
Making a Good First Impression
Using People’s Names
Listening Well and Speaking Politely
Being Punctual
Dining Out with Ease
Respecting People’s Personal Space
Being Aware of Those Around You
Giving and Receiving Compliments
Showing Interest in Others
Index
About the Author
Connect with Dummies
End User License Agreement
List of Illustrations
Chapter 8
FIGURE 8-1: A personal thank-you note should be short and sweet.
FIGURE 8-2: A congratulatory letter features a rich vocabulary.
FIGURE 8-3: A letter of apology should be sincere.
FIGURE 8-4: A letter of condolence should be sincere and straightforward.
Chapter 12
FIGURE 12-1: A basic place setting is one that most people recognize.
FIGURE 12-2: A formal place setting has a variety of plates, utensils, and glas...
FIGURE 12-3: Cutting your food properly with a knife and fork.
FIGURE 12-4: American-style knife-and-fork work is known as the zigzag.
FIGURE 12-5: The finish position in American-style dining is at the 4 o’clock p...
FIGURE 12-6: The rest position in American-style dining is higher than the fini...
FIGURE 12-7: European-style dining requires that you keep your fork in your lef...
FIGURE 12-8: The rest position in European-style dining has a crossed fork and ...
FIGURE 12-9: You can hold and use chopsticks with a little practice.
Chapter 14
FIGURE 14-1: An RSVP card includes a deadline for a response.
FIGURE 14-2: The fun of a casual outing should be reflected in a menu.
FIGURE 14-3: A formal event calls for extra-special food.
Chapter 15
FIGURE 15-1: A thank-you note for a party compliments the hosts.
FIGURE 15-2: Include specifics from your visit when you write a note of thanks....
Chapter 16
FIGURE 16-1: Write a thank-you note when someone makes a contribution to a char...
FIGURE 16-2: A gift in honor of a religious ceremony deserves a thank-you note....
FIGURE 16-3: You can refer to a birthday gift specifically in a thank-you note....
FIGURE 16-4: Honestly describe how you plan to use a monetary gift.
FIGURE 16-5: Larger monetary gifts deserve a sincere, heartfelt thank-you note....
FIGURE 16-6: Thank-you notes from children can include news about their lives.
FIGURE 16-7: Be direct about the reason why you can’t accept a gift.
Guide
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Table of Contents
Begin Reading
Index
About the Author
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Introduction
Your time will come. When you least expect it, you’ll receive an invitation to a banquet where each table setting involves more utensils than you have in your entire silverware drawer at home. Your company’s annual holiday party will be designated semiformal, and you won’t even have a clean tie. You’ll buy exactly four steaks for Sunday dinner with your in-laws, and they’ll bring along two cousins you never even knew existed. Life is full of moments when you don’t know exactly what to do — but have no fear, a little bit of etiquette can help you through.
Yes, etiquette deals with which fork to use for the salad course and concerns your behavior at cocktail receptions. But etiquette is a much broader issue. Etiquette is your key to surviving every human contact with your sense of humor and your self-esteem intact, and your reputation enhanced. Etiquette works in supermarket checkout lines, at family picnics, at company holiday parties, on the phone, online, and yes, at wedding receptions.
Remember that there’s no such thing as a vacation from good manners. Politeness works everywhere, all the time, and is all about taking the lead, making guests feel welcome, taking the time to evaluate the needs and intentions of others, and behaving in a way that ensures a pleasant outcome. At home, your polite behavior helps everyone in your family develop self-esteem. On the job, good manners encourage others to work well with you. As you go about your errands and chores, polite contacts with others earn you pleasant and helpful responses. As Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “Your manners are always under examination, and by committees little suspected, awarding or denying you very high prizes when you least expect it.”
Sadly, today many people are exhibiting less civility toward one another, and children are following suit with teachers and peers in the classroom. This lack of civility has become a major problem, with rude behavior becoming normalized. According to a 2019 NPR/PBS News Hour poll, the majority of Americans agree that a crisis is deepening when it comes to civility (the act of showing regard and respect for others). The point is that everyone should do their best to examine their own behavior, then try to set a good example by putting others first. And that’s a point that you hear again and again in this book.
Etiquette changes with the times, and some rules have been relaxed. But acting respectfully, with grace and tact, will never go out of style! Being rude is easy, but showing kindness takes self-discipline and self-esteem. Being kind is a sign of strength.
Modern Etiquette For Dummies, 3rd Edition, can help you find a way to put others at ease in almost any situation.
About This Book
You certainly can’t find a shortage of books loaded with the so-called rules of etiquette. This book contains rules, too, but I approach the subject from the perspective of an ordinary person faced with social situations that are just a bit challenging. If you have time to put up your feet and read this book from cover to cover, you can come away with a working knowledge of etiquette in all its aspects. On the other hand, if you just received an invitation to a party and you aren’t sure how to dress or how to behave, you can turn to the appropriate section in this book, find the information you need, and head out to the party with confidence.
Feel free to skip sidebars (the shaded gray boxes). They contain information that’s definitely interesting (to me, at least!) but not crucial to understanding the fine points of etiquette.
Within this book, you may note that some web addresses break across two lines of text. If you’re reading this book in print and want to visit one of these web pages, simply key in the web address exactly as it’s noted in the text, pretending as though the line break doesn’t exist. If you’re reading this as an e-book, you’ve got it easy — just click the web address to be taken directly to the web page.
Foolish Assumptions
As I wrote this book, I made the following assumptions about you, dear reader:
You want to build better relationships with your family, friends, co-workers, and other important folks in your life through good etiquette.
You seek information on how to behave with courtesy and consideration no matter the situation — whether you’re addressing an in-law, answering your cellphone, opening a gift, or attending a special function.
You may want to provide guidance to someone in your life who needs help with the finer points of etiquette.
You may want to have a competitive advantage in a growing work environment, and good manners just might do the trick.
You just want to refresh what you already know or clear up confusions about the complexities of contemporary etiquette — such as the etiquette rules for new technologies.
For whatever reason you’re reading this book, remember to always trust your instincts, because your gut feeling can be quite powerful and can help you come out feeling better about yourself and those around you.
Icons Used in This Book
Every For Dummies book uses icons to help you navigate your way through the text and to point out particularly noteworthy information. Here’s what the icons in this book look like and what they tell you:
This icon highlights important information that you need to bear in mind.
The Tip icon indicates etiquette pointers that can help you get through a particular situation with ease.
Pay special attention to this icon that alerts you of areas you can trip up on if you aren’t careful.
Beyond the Book
In addition to what you’re reading right now, this book comes with a free access-anywhere Cheat Sheet that includes tips on dining etiquette, tipping, gift giving, and travel. To get this Cheat Sheet, go to www.dummies.com and type Modern Etiquette For Dummies Cheat Sheet in the Search box.
Where to Go from Here
So, what now? You can use this book as a reference guide, reading any section that interests you. But if you’re new to this etiquette thing, I recommend starting off with the basics in Part 1. There, you can get the info you need to set a solid foundation for future good manners. Even if you feel like you have basic manners down pat, a little review never hurt anyone.
If you have a specific situation or event in which you need some etiquette coaching, Parts 4 and 5 offer chapters on a variety of topics. Or maybe you’re getting ready to host a dinner party at your home; if so, Chapter 14 is where you want to start.
Part 1
Taking the First Steps to Better Etiquette
IN THIS PART …
Discover why knowing how to treat each other and behaving in a polite and considerate manner hasn’t gone out of style.
See how good manners apply to your life and ways you can extend courtesy to everyone.
Find out why knowing how to best present yourself can get you started down the road to better etiquette!
Discover how acting with kindness, grace, and tact can uplift others and raise your self-esteem.
Find out how to dress or behave when attending a social event.
Chapter 1
Examining Today’s Etiquette Basics
IN THIS CHAPTER
Taking a close look at your own manners
Making a positive impression
Showing civility to all folks
Using the right words in every situation
Entertaining with class
Handling special occasions and circumstances
Good manners are all about making people feel comfortable all the time. Believe me, being polite isn’t just for high society, formal events, and the boardroom. Good manners are badly needed everywhere every day! This chapter provides an overview of etiquette basics; you discover guidelines on everything from presenting yourself positively to handling special occasions with ease. As you read, grade yourself on how you generally conduct yourself right now, noting where you can improve and bring some style and poise into your behavior. It won’t go unnoticed or unrewarded for long.
People have relaxed some rules of etiquette in this century, but you’ll find that the ones you read about in this book will last you for the rest of your life. Being rude or unkind will never be in style. And remember: When in doubt, treat other people as you would want to be treated yourself.
Taking Pride in Your Own Manners
Everyone can greatly benefit by relearning and sometimes revising traditional good manners as they apply to their lives. The first order of any study is to examine how it affects you and how you can make a difference. Are you well versed in the ways of etiquette?
People are often confused by the complex combination of traditional etiquette and contemporary values. What once was considered a show of respect may now unintentionally offend. In fact, what many once considered acceptable isn’t any longer. So, how do you know which rules apply?
Generally, you should always observe etiquette rules that both value human beings and show courtesy and respect. You should behave respectfully to everyone, regardless of age or gender. Why? Because civility builds character and self-esteem. It creates a serene environment and shows regard for yourself and others. Here are a few common courtesies to start you off:
Speak softly.
Reply when someone speaks to you and look them in the eye.
Always say “Please,” “Thank you,” and “Excuse me.”
Give and receive compliments sincerely.
Give people space — don’t crowd!
For more on how to take pride in your manners, see Chapter 2.
Making Sure to Present Yourself Positively
People may try to avoid passing judgment too quickly, but at first meetings, they inevitably assess others by how they look. First impressions: You only get one chance! Psychologists say that most people form impressions of others in the first 4 minutes after their initial meeting and that 80 percent of the impression is based on nonverbal signs. In other words, what comes out of your mouth has very little to do with how people judge you. And, after a first impression is made, getting people to change that judgment is very hard.
How you dress, groom yourself, and handle yourself in public is all part of your packaging. Like product packaging, you can present yourself to be most appealing. And, you can present yourself differently according to the time and place. For example, your appearance should differ depending on your geographic area — how you dress and act in Yellowstone National Park, as opposed to Midtown Manhattan.
Here are a few important guidelines for an appropriate presentation:
Being casual doesn’t extend to poor grooming — always be clean and neat.
Avoid clothing extremes, revealing clothing, and evening or party wear in the workplace.
Don’t sacrifice comfort for trends or fashion.
Use good taste or get help figuring out what is tasteful.
You don’t need a millionaire’s budget to be perceived as confident and self-assured. As important as clothes and makeup are to your image, posture and how you carry yourself are essential parts of the package. When you stand with a slouch or sit with a slump, you’re telling others that you don’t feel confident and you’d like to be left alone. On the other hand, when your head is erect, your gaze outward, and your backbone as straight as Mother Nature made possible, you’re inviting others to meet with you on equal terms. For more on making a positive impression, see Chapter 3.
Extending Courtesy to Everyone in Your Life
You may feel like you have a lot of rules to follow in order to behave appropriately in all situations. Clearly, one of the most important aspects is getting along with those close to you and with those you interact with on a daily basis. In the following sections, I give you some guidance on being courteous to family, friends, dates, and business colleagues.
Family
Behaving like a polite adult all the time isn’t easy, and unfortunately, as time passes, familiarity often leads to shortcuts in considerate communication. However, you can’t find a better place to practice good manners than in your own home! Treating your family with respect and exhibiting polite behavior contributes to a peaceful environment and refuge from daily aggravations.
Remember a few of the following tips (for more in-depth advice, check out Chapter 4):
Go ahead and say those nice things.
Don’t just enjoy a meal; say that you enjoyed it.
Be considerate of your better half and children by respecting their privacy.
Don’t snoop, knock before you enter a room, and practice being a good listener.
Treat your family members as if they were honored guests.
Their responses may surprise you.
Friends and relationships
You have many reasons to figure out good manners and follow the rules of etiquette — especially in personal relationships. Treating others with respect, kindness, and consideration creates meaningful friendships and leads to self-fulfillment. I listed just a few important guidelines here (see Chapter 5 for the full scoop on the art of friendships and relationships):
Create boundaries and set limits.
Discover how to communicate clearly to avoid misunderstandings.
Always be considerate when sending text messages and emails.
Express delight in other people’s accomplishments.
Don’t give advice unless asked.
Figure out when you need to agree to disagree.
Never break an appointment with friends in favor of a date.
Don’t break a friend’s confidences.
Business colleagues
In business relationships today, you need to know how to conduct yourself properly in a variety of situations; your ability to respectfully respond to certain individuals and situations can not only put others at ease, but also build your self-confidence. Remember that your behavior is observed and judged daily by employers, clients, and co-workers, and your ability to establish effective working relationships with others can make or break your career.
Regardless of what your job is, you can count on the following do’s and don’ts of making a positive impression in the business world:
Never keep people waiting.
It’s considerate to arrive 10 to 15 minutes before a scheduled business event. If you can’t avoid being late, call ahead, and after you arrive, remember to apologize.
Dress appropriately at all times.
When in doubt, always dress conservatively. Look at management for ideas and stay with well-made, tasteful clothes. If your company has a dress code, follow it.
Keep a cheerful, positive attitude.
Don’t be a complainer, and always think before you speak. Stay away from gossip, offensive language, or off-color jokes.
Head to Chapter 6 for additional details about etiquette in the workplace.
Saying the Right Thing
Communication is an essential part of being courteous to others — whether you’re writing a letter, commenting or direct messaging on social media, texting, or talking on the phone or in person. What you say reflects who you are, so you want your words to build others up, rather than tear them down in any way. And while not everyone is a natural communicator, you can figure out some simple communication tools so you don’t come across rude or lacking confidence. In the following sections, I provide you etiquette know-how on various methods of communication.
Polite conversation
A conversation is when two or more people discuss different topics, exchange ideas, share information, and give each other an opportunity to contribute. Having a conversation is the best way to find out what other people like, think, and need. It’s what people do to get to know one another.
During a chat, always think of the other person. Show your interest by asking questions about them. Asking questions that require more of an answer than yes or no graciously brings the other person into the conversation. For example, instead of asking, “Oh! Is that a new shirt?” you may want to say, “I really like your shirt; it looks great on you. Where did you find it?”
Another objective of polite conversation is to be aware of how you say something. The tone of your voice is just as important as what you say. Do your best not to ever use profanity or name call, and try to respond politely and with respect — even if you’re angry. The old adage of “don’t say anything if you can’t say something nice” still applies.
A few additional key elements of a good conversation include the following:
Good eye contact and body language
Active listening
Not interrupting
Not monopolizing the conversation
Responding and contributing to the conversation
Using polite words such as “Please,” “Thank you,” and “Excuse me”
Not talking where others can overhear and be put off
Avoiding gossip
See Chapter 7 for more information on engaging in polite conversation.
Correspondence
Interested in writing a letter? Before you begin, you need a few essentials, such as proper stationery, a writing utensil, envelopes, and stamps. A letter also should have the following proper formatting:
Address
Date or dateline
Salutation
Main body with headings
Closing phrase
Signature
With the formatting down, it’s time to write your letter with the right words. The basic rule of etiquette in any circumstance, including written communication, is to have and to show consideration for the other party. If you just stop and think how the other person is likely to receive your communication, you can go a long way in preventing misunderstandings and not giving offense. To find out more about correspondence, see Chapter 8.
The phone
The phone, especially the mobile phone, seems to bring out either the best or the worst in people. If someone is looking for an opportunity to be rude and unmannerly, the telephone provides the perfect avenue. On the other hand, you can bring out the very best in the person on the other end by going the extra mile to be courteous. You can also bring out the best in yourself when using the phone.
A few elements to keep in mind when speaking on the phone or leaving messages are:
Always adjust your tone to be appropriate to the situation.
Answer the phone within three rings.
Only use a speakerphone when necessary, and let all those on the call know you have your phone on speaker.
Enunciate clearly, so the person on the other end can understand you.
Consider whether you’re calling at an appropriate or convenient time. Ask the person you’ve called whether the time is convenient or if they would like you to return the call at another time.
When leaving messages on others’ voice mails, speak clearly, slowly, and briefly and tell the person why you called and when they can call you back.
Whether or not the person you’re calling has your number, show courtesy by leaving it anyway. Say the number and area code at the beginning of your message and again at the end.
There are strong opinions about tech manners, and not everyone agrees. Be aware that there are public places that it’s inappropriate and annoying to use FaceTime. For example, FaceTiming in close quarters (such as in a small cafe or in the supermarket) is considered rude. People not only seem to speak more loudly while on their phones, but their FaceTime call is also within earshot of others. It’s doubtful that strangers nearby want to be the star of your video call. Consider using FaceTime if you’re in the park (not during a concert) or any quiet enclosed area. Though your home is your safest bet.
If you’re walking, taking a run, or sitting alone in public, wearing earbuds or headphones has become acceptable. An appropriate rule of thumb is to be present when interacting with others. It’s considered rude to wear earbuds or headsets when you’re with others, having a meal, at an event, or in a meeting.
Even if the purpose of your call is unpleasant (such as to make a complaint to a store), sounding pleasant can get the conversation off on the right foot and make the recipient of your call more inclined to help you in an equally pleasant manner. Take the opportunity to reinforce your friendships and social and business contacts by exercising your very best manners when using the phone.
For more on the basics of using the phone, including voice mail, caller ID, and guidelines for text messages, photos and videos, see Chapter 9.
Cyberspace
Never put down in writing what you don’t want someone else to read. This saying is a great one to remember when you write emails, post online, and comment on social media platforms. Because you’re putting your correspondence into the written word, anyone who receives it can copy, edit, change, store, take a screenshot, or otherwise manipulate your message. What you send may be printed for future review. So make sure you never appear rude, intrusive, crass, arrogant, uneducated, or plain lazy.
Here are a few general tips for communicating on the Internet and using social media:
Always use the subject line to state the purpose of your email.
Keep sentences short, clear, and to the point.
Spell out words and don’t use acronyms; otherwise, your reader may not understand what you’re saying.
Limit subject matters. People like to read short emails.
Use words that are simple, clear, and concise.
Always use a greeting and salutation.
Understand social media best practices; each platform has rules that should be followed.
Be cautious when posting, tagging photos, and using hashtags. You should always ask permission before doing so.
Don’t be reactive to others’ comments, and use well-placed humor.
The Internet is a wonderful source of information. People and businesses use it for a variety of reasons. Social media platforms present a great ability to share information, and to stay connected to clients, customers, colleagues, family, friends, and peers.
That said, it can also be a terrible and frightening place especially for children and unaware users. I recommend that parents take control of their children’s smartphones and computers and place controls and security procedures in place.
For more details and guidelines for minding your cyberspace manners, see Chapter 10.
Business communication
Communication is essential in business, just as it is in personal life. Check out Chapter 11 for a crash course on the following essential tasks and more:
Making introductions
Addressing your staff, colleagues, and boss
Communicating successfully at meetings
Making the most of special business events
Handling phone calls, voice mail, and emails
Writing business letters
Managing or attending virtual meetings
Working remotely from home
Will knowing the proper way to handle these challenges really make a difference in your career or help you get ahead? Absolutely!
Entertaining (and Being Entertained) with Style
Entertaining plays an important role in your life, one that is universal to all types of people in every segment of society. Entertaining can do the following:
Provide you with invaluable moments, the sharing of your time, home, food, and families.
Provide you an avenue through which new relationships and memories are made, ideas are exchanged, and business alliances are formed.
Lift your spirits by rescuing you from the same old routine. You just never know what may transpire! When you take time to enjoy the pleasure of another’s company, the possibilities are endless!
In the following sections, I outline the important elements of entertaining and being entertained.
Dining and drinking
Polite dining at the table, whether formal or informal, has been one of the codes of behavior that has always set human beings apart from animals. Human beings may also be “animals,” but they think and converse with each other — and this sets people apart from all other creatures. Nowhere else is a person’s difference from beasts more evident than in their eating manners and social behavior.
Say the words dining etiquette and many people automatically conjure up images of old, stuffy rules of behavior at the dinner table. And long ago, those rigid rules were needed. Formal dining still reflects this level of etiquette, but today, dining has become simplified.
Table manners and dining etiquette are just a means to an end. Knowing how to enjoy the finer things in life — good company, good food, and good conversation — is the backbone of a great dining experience. Knowing proper etiquette simply gives you more confidence in embracing new dining experiences, whether it’s dinner at the White House, job interviews over a meal, or brunch at your best friend’s home. Dining etiquette today is more important than ever.
Don’t eat your food like a vacuum cleaner picking up dust! Take time to talk with those around you and finish when everyone else finishes. Food was meant to be enjoyed, not merely ingested.
Behaving politely at the table, whether informal or not, hasn’t disappeared or gone out of style! To find out what to do before dining begins, during the meal, and afterward, see Chapter 12. For details on the wonders of wine, head to Chapter 13.
Throwing a get-together
Being an outstanding host comes naturally for some, but this skill can be learned. What does it mean to be an outstanding host? Simply make sure your guests have a good time. Your guests take subconscious clues from you, so be comfortable. If you’re laughing, talking to people, and having a good time, the chances are greater that they will as well.
Here a few specifics for hosting a memorable event:
Select a dynamic blend of invitees and work out the seating before your guests arrive.
Invitations should be specific and give guests enough details so they know what to expect.
After you’ve decided on a menu, make sure that you know how to prepare everything.
Greet your guests at the entrance with a welcoming smile.
A host never allows their guests to drink and then drive. If your guests have had too much to drink, call Uber or Lyft or take their car keys and put them up for the night. You can all sleep much more soundly knowing everyone is safe.
For more key strategies for successful entertaining, see Chapter 14.
Behaving when you’re a guest
Whether you’re a houseguest, attending a wedding, or dancing the night away at a grand formal evening, your role as a guest is as important as that of the host. To be a well-mannered guest, you need to do more than be well-mannered. Keep the following tips in mind (and head to Chapter 15 to discover everything you need to know about being a gracious guest who always gets invited back):
Respond to all invitations promptly.
When receiving a wedding invitation, be certain to abide by the plus-one etiquette rule. Check the envelope to see if only your name appears or if the envelope reads your name “and guest.”
Mingle! Introduce yourself to other guests, start a conversation, and be sure to participate.
Use your table manners.
When you’re a houseguest, offer to pitch in with chores and clean up after yourself — never leave your belongings strewn around the house.
Always follow up with a thank-you note, card, or letter of appreciation within a few days of the event (the sooner, the better!).
Although handwritten notes are preferred, depending on the relationship and the formality, an email or text message can be used to express your appreciation.
Giving and receiving gifts
One of the great pleasures in life is giving to others. Giving a gift isn’t a simple matter of spending as much as you can afford on an item and just handing it over. Stay within your means when selecting a gift, and keep the recipient in mind.
As the recipient, you need to be mindful of the giver, and be sure to express your thanks for whatever you may have been given. Even if the gift isn’t exactly what you were hoping for, you can still show great poise by making the giver feel appreciated.
For the basic responsibilities of the giver and the receiver of gifts, as well as certain etiquette rules to presenting, exchanging, returning, or refusing a gift altogether, check out Chapter 16.
Handling Special Situations
Special occasions such as weddings and funerals can put your manners to the test. Even though you encounter these situations less frequently, they often require you to be aware of a different set of etiquette rules. Travel, whether within your own country or in an entirely new culture, poses challenges as well. And interacting with people who have disabilities or illnesses may take you into a new realm of etiquette in which you’re unsure of the proper behavior. I address how to handle these situations in the following sections.
Major life events
Celebrating life’s big events are often a challenge: They call on you to stop what you’re doing and give of yourself to others. Whether you’re attending a christening, a funeral, or a graduation, what matters most is that you’re there for your friends and family and that you care. For more information to help you make it through life’s major events with grace and style — and your composure intact — see Chapter 17.
Travel near and far
Being a model of good manners means that when you leave home, your manners travel with you. A few key elements for having a safe and successful trip include the following:
Select your travel companions with care.
Get to know about the place you’ll be traveling to beforehand.
Dress appropriately.
Behave with extra courtesy in a foreign country.
Adapt to local customs of eating and drinking.
Make your way to Chapter 18 for full details for traveling anywhere with your manners intact.
Disabilities and illnesses
The misunderstandings, lack of awareness, and thoughtlessness toward a person with a disability, impairment, or serious illness not only creates barriers, but it also causes fear, hurt, and isolation. As with most equalities issues, use of appropriate language and correct use of terms is crucial for respectful and dignified communication. You need to educate yourself (and perhaps your children) and give considerate thought to remove any unnecessary discrimination and avoid misunderstandings.
For more information about interacting with people who have disabilities and illnesses, see Chapter 19.
Chapter 2
Becoming a Model of Good Manners
IN THIS CHAPTER
Knowing the benefits of practicing thoughtful behavior
Mastering the art of compliments
Handling rudeness
People constantly ask me questions like, “Is there really any need to know about etiquette?” or “Does etiquette still matter in today’s society?” My answer? Absolutely! Now more than ever!
Today’s world is fraught with everyday stresses about work, family, children, finances, pandemics, gun violence, and even civil unrest. People are so entrenched with their own personal concerns and agendas that they tend to ignore others around them. That lack of awareness is what leads to bad behavior.
Recent surveys show that educators and parents agree that incivility, a lack of manners, bullying, and mean-spiritedness in American schools is a national crisis. Though many people may agree that a problem exists, they aren’t asking themselves the important question: How much am I a part of this problem?
Everyone can greatly benefit by re-examining traditional good manners as they apply to contemporary life and the work environment. Taking stock of what really counts is important — like acknowledging someone with a proper introduction or treating family and friends with common respect and consideration.
Good manners are much like a roadmap, providing ways to improve how you feel about yourself and others. Simple skills and techniques of common courtesy that can improve all your relationships and your overall state of happiness can be incorporated into the way you live and work.
Yes, some elements of etiquette deal with which fork to use for the salad course and your behavior at cocktail receptions. But etiquette, in general, is a much broader issue. Being a model of good manners is your key to surviving every human contact with your sense of humor and your self-esteem intact and your reputation enhanced. In this chapter, I offer some guidelines with the hope that you’re inspired to think about and practice good manners every waking hour.
Practicing and Benefiting from Thoughtful Behavior
Practice is a word with several meanings. The expression “practice makes perfect” implies that the mere repetition of an action makes it second nature. Saying that a routine is common practice means that it’s habitual behavior. Music students know that practicing is a way to sharpen skills and prepare for public performances. Constantly applying good manners in your daily interactions, as I show you how to do in the following sections, rewards you and those around you.
Start by becoming aware! Try to grade yourself on how you generally conduct yourself socially and professionally right now, noting where you can improve. Begin by asking yourself how you feel after the fact. Do you later regret your comments or behavior? Did you overreact or respond in anger? Make a mental note where you can make positive changes. Make a list or keep a journal of the areas you would like to improve. Check it weekly or monthly to see whether you’ve made progress. This isn’t rocket science — improving your conduct just takes a level of awareness and a little (here’s that word again) practice!
You can have no such thing as a vacation from good manners or politeness. A well-mannered person behaves nicely toward everyone, all the time.
Building character and self-esteem
Webster’s New World College Dictionary defines civility as 1) politeness, especially in a merely formal way 2) a civil, or polite, act or utterance.
You direct civility, or courtesy, outwardly to those around you rather than inwardly. In being civil, you make small sacrifices for the good of all and the sake of harmoniously living together on this earth. However, you can find personal benefits when you’re respectful of others: a gift of superior character and heightened self-esteem. I cover these benefits in the following sections.
Character
“Character may be manifested in the great moments, but it is made in the small ones.” What does this quote from preacher Phillips Brooks mean? The little acts of kindness are what really counts, such as going out of your way to help a friend; remembering to say “Please,” “Thank you,” and “Excuse me”; being a good listener; smiling often; and responding to other’s rudeness with restraint.
Behave as if you care about others as a way of caring about yourself. Your behavior is an indicator of your character. If you work on building your character, your behavior never embarrasses you!
Here are a few specific tips for building character:
Develop thoughtfulness.
Thinking with your head and your heart can help you go a long way in putting other’s needs before your own wants and desires. Look for ways you can help others at home or at work.
Watch what you say — and how you say it, online and off.
Your choice of words has an enormous impact on the way you interact with others, and try to be aware of your tone of voice when you speak to others whether it’s by email, text, or DM.
Celebrate diversity; tolerate and accept differences.
Get to know people who are different than you. Enlighten yourself! Become a considerate human being and encourage your family to follow your lead. You’ll be doing everyone a favor.
Self-esteem
The way you feel about yourself impacts the types of choices you make and also in how you treat others. Your self-esteem includes you accomplishments in life, also in the way others see you and how you think of yourself as a person.
Self-esteem develops largely through your experiences with successes and challenges as you grow up. If you’ve had experiences of being praised, loved unconditionally, trusted, and listened to, then you’re likely to have healthy self-esteem.
If, on the other hand, your experiences have been those of being harshly criticized, ridiculed, ignored, abused, or made to feel inadequate, then you’re likely to experience low self-esteem.
Fortunately, no matter what your experiences have been until now, you have the opportunity to improve your self-esteem, and the self-esteem of those around you, by applying good etiquette. Skills and tools to raise, or reinforce, your self-esteem include the following:
Give and receive compliments with sincerity and grace. (I cover compliments later in this chapter.)
Practice and use table manners at all times (see
Chapter 12
for details).
Always say “Please,” “Thank you,” and “Excuse Me.”
Make time to do things with those who care about you.
Ignore or stay away from people who put you down or treat you badly, online and off.
Do things that you enjoy and that you do well.
Focus on and work to develop your special talents.
Set short term and long term goals and reward yourself when you succeed.
Make good choices for yourself, and take responsibility for yourself and your actions.
If you’ve made a mistake, apologize immediately, and then move on.
Always do what you believe is right.
Write positive traits about yourself in a journal.
List etiquette traits you would like to achieve and maintain.
Using common sense
Etiquette may be intimidating for most — but hey, relax! Common courtesy is nothing more or less than common sense. You can find nothing more common than those little magic words, please and thank you. Or are they that common? They certainly should be. Simply looking someone in the eye and saying “Thank you” can make all the difference in the world.
If you’re feeling a little unsure about yourself in certain situations, just think about how you want others to treat you. If you treat others with dignity and respect, they will do the same. What goes around really does come around.
Manners must be sincere, so practice until it comes naturally and from the heart. Try to bring some consideration, grace, and style back into your life through your personal presence and demeanor. Be perceptive, aware, and mindful — and always use your best judgment. Here are a few basic tips:
When in public, be discreet with your cellphone calls, photo taking, and video making, and keep the vibrate mode on when you’re inside public facilities. Avoid taking cellphone calls when you’re having face-to-face time with other people, such as during meals.
Always check behind you when entering or exiting a door. If someone is behind you, be sure to hold the door open no matter who the person is.
Being pushy and speaking loudly in public, especially in a small shop, in line at the post office, or in a restaurant, is unfortunately common nowadays. However, it’s not the loudest person who impresses their dinner companions or strangers in public; it’s the person with quiet confidence and good manners. Always try to use low, intimate tones, and if you’re waiting in a long line, practice patience, don’t complain out loud, or make a scene.
Making lasting impressions
Most people have heard the saying, “You only have one chance to make a first impression.” Though you may not always admit it, most people do make character judgments within the first few seconds of meeting someone. Appearances and behavior leave a lasting impression about a person’s overall abilities and character.
Good manners and thoughtful behavior do matter. They were important years ago at your mother’s dinner table and are vital today if you’re looking to close the deal or simply leave positive impressions at social gatherings. People are still watching, but the stakes may be higher for you. The judgments others make about you can affect your future.
You need to show that you understand what is appropriate and that you care about the impression you make. Often your behavior can make or break a relationship or a career. Here are a few tips to help you make a good first impression:
Dress for success.
While the saying may seem cliché, what you wear gives others an idea of who you are. So if you’re going to meet a new client at your law firm, don’t you dare pull out the sweat pants and flip flops. And remember that personal hygiene is just as important as what you wear. (For more on personal dress and hygiene, head to
Chapter 3
.)
Be punctual.
Arriving late for a first date makes a bad impression. If you’re late, be sure to apologize. If it was your fault, admit it.
Present yourself with confidence.
Stand up straight, smile, shake hands, and make eye contact. By doing so, you come across as someone who has their act together.
Make sure what you say is courteous and positive.
Your words say a lot about who you are. You need to be sure to not use profanities, avoid off-color jokes, and stay away from gossip. Gossip can be entertaining when it passes along positive and interesting information, but is dangerous when it demeans or endangers another person’s character.
Empowering yourself through good manners
Another way to think about civility is to associate it with the word leadership. When you take the lead in putting people at ease and making every situation pleasant, you exhibit poise. Poise comes from being self-confident.
In today’s climate, etiquette and civility are sometimes seen as snobbery. Others view polite behavior as a sign of weakness, and some professionals actually believe that it’s impossible to get to the top while being gracious and polite. None of this is true. Being rude is easy — it doesn’t require any effort, and it’s a sign of insecurity. Being kind shows great self-discipline and a strong self-esteem.
Knowing how and when to ask for what you want in a polite manner means empowerment.
When you need to ask for something, be sure to remember the following:
Speak up.
Even if you feel intimidated or nervous, you can get around these roadblocks that undermine your efforts by speaking with confidence.
Invite reactions, making it easy for your allies to respond to your request or expectation.
Be open to constructive criticism.
Be specific, focus clearly on what you really want or need, and
ask
for it.
You may even want to jot down a few notes or rehearse mentally before making your request, especially if you’re about to ask someone on a date.
Don’t undermine yourself.
Adding on demeaning tag beginnings or endings — such as, “I know this is a stupid question, but…” or “I’m sorry to have to ask you this…” — makes you sound like you lack self-confidence.
Being assertive doesn’t equal rudeness. Take responsibility for nurturing and maintaining your own self-esteem. When you’re competent in using basic assertive skills, you can feel confident to handle most situations and can achieve the respect you deserve.
Creating a serene environment
You can find no better place to practice good manners than with people in your day-to-day life, those with whom you live and work. Treat your family, friends, and co-workers with respect and courtesy, and all the difficulties of the outside world are easier for them (and you) to bear.
Simple expressions of politeness at home contribute to an environment of refuge from daily aggravations. Don’t be stingy when using courteous expressions like the following (and don’t limit yourself to only these five):
“Please pass the potatoes.”
“Thanks for the glass of water.”
“I really appreciate your help in folding the laundry.”
“You look nice this morning.”
“I’m proud of your grade in biology.”
It looks a little corny on paper, but this approach can accomplish miracles at home. Do it. Say it. Be nice. Treat your family members as if they were honored guests, and their responses may surprise you. Courtesy is contagious!
