Mom, Dad, I'm an Atheist E-Book

David G. McAfee

• Herausgeber: WS
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 173

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2022

Beschreibung

The Guide to Coming Out as a Non-Believer

Leseprobe

MOM, DAD,

I’MAN

ATHEIST

The Guide to Coming Out as a Non-believer

DAVID G. McAFEE

Copyright © 2019 David G. McAfee

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior written permission from the publisher.

First published by Dangerous Little Books in 2012

Published by Hypatia Press in the United States in 2019

ISBN: 978-1-83919-013-1

Cover by Claire Wood

© Cartoons by Chuck Harrison

www.hypatiapress.org

“For many people, figuring out that the supernatural claims of religions don’t hold up to honest analysis is relatively easy. It’s the next step—sharing this conclusion with mom and dad—that often proves to be the most difficult of all. Fortunately, David G. McAfee has produced an invaluable contribution to all nonbelievers who find they must navigate that most treacherous minefield known as the religious family. With deep wisdom and sincere compassion, McAfee explores the challenges and suggests the best tactics, while also offering much-needed encouragement for those who may find the journey difficult. It is because he understands that the goal is free-thought, self-expression, and the preservation of important relationships, that this book is a precious resource.”

— Guy P. Harrison, author of Race and Reality and

50 Simple Questions for Every Christian

Acknowledgements

To my mom and dad, who never let differences of opinion stand in the way of treating me with love and respect.

Thank you to those who contributed to this work their personal narratives, without which this book wouldn’t be possible. Special thanks to Holly Samel, Nickolas Johnson, Elizabeth Rouse, Hugh Kramer, Cleta Darnell, Jason Sciple, and Julia Sciple.

Contents

Some Additional Thoughts

Prefacei

Author’s Note: Born Atheist1

Introduction7

Why Come Out?14

Atheist Activist with an Axe to Grind17

What it Means to be an Atheist22

Being ‘Good’ Without God28

Timing is Everything34

Confrontation39

Be Prepared43

Coming Out to Your Significant Other47

Establishing a New Sense of Community51

Testimonials57

Extreme Situations84

Religion and Grief87

Frequently Asked Questions91

Conclusion102

Resources & Support105

Some Additional Thoughts

I first published Mom, Dad, I’m an Atheist in 2012, after being rejected from a religious studies graduate program for being an “atheist activist with an axe to grind.” Because of that unfortunate experience, I was particularly interested in helping people who wanted to do so open up about their atheism to co-workers, family, and the public. Seven years later, after hearing from fans and critics of the book, I can honestly say this mission is more important to me now than when I published the book.

This book has always been important to me. My wife, Rachael, read this book before we even started dating to help her deal with being a non-believer among family members who took their religion seriously. And I’ve gotten countless of comments from those who say the book helped them in all facets of their lives. Some readers have told me how it’s helped them in their romantic relationships with others, and religious believers themselves have told me its message of unity resonated with them. It’s a message that I truly believe can help others, because one person being honest about their atheism helps others who may not be able. It helps remove a stigma that has existed for far too long.

Despite MDIAA being one of my favorite projects, and it being the first book published on the topic, it is also often misunderstood. Many people, for instance, look at the title and think it’s just about talking to their parents. If they have issues dealing with religious people in other areas of their life tend to ignore it, and in some cases they need it most.

Regardless, this book continues to be an important one in my eyes. It came before the so-called “Rise of the Nones,” which describes the recent trend away from organized religion, and before public attitude toward atheists rose above the response to rapists. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a long way to go on this particular issue, but seven years was actually quite a long time ago in terms of social acceptance of atheists.

MDIAA may have been the first book of its kind, but there are plenty of ways to learn how to open up about your beliefs (or lack thereof). It’s just a matter of finding what works for you, and then going with it! Whether that’s this book, another book, or something else entirely, that is up to you.

While there may be a lot of information out there on this subject these days, I am still glad that you chose this particular one. This book was my second ever published, and it still means a lot to me, which is why I opted to republish with Hypatia Press. I hope you enjoy it!

Yours in Reason

David G. McAfee

Preface

“Intolerance is the natural concomitant of strong faith; tolerance grows only when faith loses certainty; certainty is murderous.”

— Will Durant (November 5, 1885 - November 7, 1981)

When you hear the term “coming out” applied to atheism or non-religiosity, you might jump to a few conclusions…you might assume that the act only applies to those who are new to non-belief, or that it is a one-off personal event only involving close family, or that it is only an issue for those raised in fundamentally religious homes—in each of these cases, there is certainly more than meets the eye.

I am by no means new to atheism or non-religiosity—and, in fact, I was never a believer. But even I had to “come out” as an atheist at one point or another because theism and religiosity are the assumed points of view in many cultures, including mine. That assumption is interesting in itself because religion is a learned behavior, unlike non-belief; all people are born not believing in a god or gods, and only come to believe in such entities once they’ve been taught the idea by others—so, atheism is the “default” position. Despite this fact, in many regions of the world, the simple act of being openly atheist is punishable by death. In other countries, like the United States of America, atheism isn’t punishable within the legal system, but discrimination comes in other forms. This is why, even if you’ve been a non-believer for your entire life, being “open” about it will almost always result in—at the very least—some awkward discussions and forced explanations between you and the people with whom you interact regularly. It is my hope that this guide will provide tips and resources for even the most seasoned heathens.

Being an “out” atheist since childhood, I’ve experienced my share of disappointed looks and the occasional intellectual misunderstanding with my religious family members. But it wasn’t until I was applying to graduate school for the Religious Studies department at University of California, Santa Barbara, that I realized that being a non-believer can have real effects on my professional and educational lives, in addition to those I’d already experienced in my personal life. Being open about my non-belief and my secular activism resulted in my being denied entry to the MA/PhD program and the discrimination grievance that followed. I quickly realized that it is not just family that one worries about in these situations. My experience is more thoroughly documented in Chapter Three: Atheist Activist with an Axe to Grind.

Coming out as an atheist means more than simply telling religious family members about a lack of faith or a loss of faith; in many cases, even people who come from non-religious upbringings have to confront the issue with friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and, in my case, all of the above. As such, coming out is not necessarily a one-time matter, but should instead be considered an ongoing process throughout one’s lifetime. As is the case with “coming out” in the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) community, it is never enough to simply come out once to your family. If you truly want to be an out-of-the-closet non-believer and, perhaps, in the process help other closeted atheists who may be afraid to voice their skepticism, it is sometimes necessary to confront those in day-to-day life who may assume your religiosity or project their religious ideologies onto you.

While those coming from fundamentally religious homes or communities may suffer more deeply from religious oppression and therefore be helped tremendously by the resources and advice provided in this guide, a fundamentally religious upbringing is not a prerequisite for “coming out,” and people from non-religious upbringings still face difficulties with being honest about a lack of belief in a god or gods. Even in relaxed religious homes, the negative stigma associated with the word “atheist” alone can cause confusion and potential friction between loved ones.

In Chapter Eleven: Testimonials, I have included stories by non-believers from a variety of backgrounds who tell their stories of de-conversion. But, while this guide was written with input from several contributing authors who experienced coming out to less-than-supportive families or friends, it is important to remember that no two situations are identical—and what works for one person, does not necessarily work for another. Like many issues that involve familial transparency, being openly non-religious has different consequences for everyone. And, in dangerous scenarios, it is important to seek professional guidance or counseling. Please see Chapter Twelve: Extreme Situations for further information on that front.

This work is intended to give advice to those who have been afraid to talk about their non-belief and encourage familial honesty, but also to help “out” atheists deal with the daily interactions and frequently asked questions they may experience in day-to-day life. The resources compiled in Chapter Fifteen: Resources & Support are useful for all those who are non-religious and hope to establish a sense of community with freethinkers, raise children in a secular environment, or simply gain more information about secularism and free thought.

Author’s Note: Born Atheist

“It is an interesting and demonstrable fact, that all children are atheists and were religion not inculcated into their minds, they would remain so.”

— Ernestine Louise Rose (January 13, 1810 - August 4, 1892)

To properly understand this guide to coming out as a non-believer, some might wish to learn more about the particular context in which I, as a secular author, am writing. In Chapter Eleven: Testimonials, you’ll read six stories from atheists who wished to share their de-conversion testimonials for the benefit of those who may be facing difficulties in their own coming out process. Here, I do the same:

The way I see it, everybody is born an atheist and, without submersion into religion as a child, we would most likely maintain that position…more often than not, however, this is not the case. In most instances, a child is taught early on that their parents’ religion is the Truth—and all others are evil. This mindset is rarely shaken and those beliefs are often passed to further generations. Luckily for me, that didn’t happen.

I don’t remember a particular time in my life in which I believed in the validity of a particular religious tradition. But, eventually, even I had to break the news to my family and become open regarding my secular mindset. My parents were not always religious people; they may have abused substances religiously—but, when I was very young, church was probably the last thing on their minds. When I was two years old, my parents divorced and began their separate lives pursuing drugs to feed their addictions; thankfully, my grandmother volunteered to care for me until my mother or father could afford (financially and emotionally) to raise me. She never mistreated me or abused me, but she was the first person in my life to introduce me to religion and the authority of the Christian church. My grandparents with whom I spent the majority of my early childhood considered themselves Fundamentalist Baptist Christians—and I was raised in a way that, they thought, would encourage similar ideologies in me.

When I was a bit older—around six years old—I went to a Christian church with my grandparents; this was my first real experience with a religious institution. The church, located in a small town in Northern California, considered itself “non-denominational,” and the service usually consisted of a pastor reciting well-chosen biblical passages for about an hour and providing some minor inspirational interpretations. I attended sporadically but, needless to say, I was not moved by the experience and didn’t take the idea of church seriously. Even though this doctrine was being force-fed to me for as long as I could remember, I always had questions about its veracity—questions that, I quickly learned, were considered inappropriate to ask. My grandmother was a self-described traditional, god-fearing, Christian woman—it wasn’t until much later that I would realize the closed-mindedness that this mindset bred in her and others over time. She saw that I was not excited about attending church on a regular basis and, at around age eight, she mandated that I attend a weekly children’s class at the same church in an attempt to force more involvement and encourage my participation within the “House of God.” I remember my first day at this Sunday school very well; I remember that my younger step-sister was there with me in a classroom-like setting learning about Jesus Christ and his message, obviously at a superficial level that could be more easily absorbed by young children. I also remember the tactics utilized by the “teachers” to keep the attention of the children and get us excited about church—usually this consisted of giving gifts of candy and prizes for active participation. I do not doubt that the intentions of these people were positive but, in hindsight, I cannot help but see the gifts as a type of mild bribery in exchange for the willing indoctrination of a child. After we earned a certain amount of “Bible Bucks,” which were awarded for correctly answering trivia questions about the gospels and participating in Christian songs, we could cash in these vouchers for prizes like candy, toys, or even a ten-minute break to play on the trampoline behind the church.

The bus ride to and from Sunday school was the most exciting part of the event for me and my step-sister; we would play games, sing songs, and we were always given a lot of candy. My point in telling you this is not to glorify the practice of forcing a religion on a child before they reach the age of reason, but instead to illuminate the ways in which this act is carried out within the Christian community and other religious traditions. My step-sister was always excited to attend church for the prizes and it didn’t take long for this connection to become a subconscious one, which helped foster an extremely positive outlook of church and religion in her mind. For one reason or another, I did not have this reaction—I simply didn’t take church or religion seriously. I remember thinking of it more as a pastime or a game to occupy my time on Sunday mornings, acknowledging that the “miracles” portrayed in the biblical texts could not have possibly occurred. There is no point in my past in which I would have considered myself “Christian,” or affiliated with any other religion for that matter. But, because my parents became increasingly religious over time and my grandparents had always taken Christianity as God’s inherent truth, I was afraid to voice my opinions on the subject. It was this disparity between my family’s faith and my lack of faith that spurred my interest in the study of religion. It wasn’t until age 13 that I became interested in actively studying the various religious traditions in the world and their effects on society at large. It is because of this curiosity, and my sincere hope to avoid familial confrontation, that I decided to remain silent about my skepticism surrounding Christianity—and all religions. I continued to accompany my family to church on Sundays—as a silent observer. After years of attending the same Christian church nearly every week, however, I had a lot of unanswered questions about the religion’s history, principles, and how it became the world’s most followed religion. But, out of fear of being ostracized, I remained silent and did not raise my specific concerns to my family, although my lack of participation and general attitude toward church was probably quite telling.

At age 15, long since having decided that I wasn’t getting enough information out of the weekly sermons to justify any sort of divine revelation, I decided to read the bible in its entirety to get a more complete picture of what it teaches and, more importantly, why. It is at this time, after seeing first-hand the violent, discriminatory, and hate-filled passages that our pastor had neglected to read aloud, that I decided that not only was I not a Christian, but I was against the notion of organized religion in general. I could have remained silent for years as so many of us do, but instead I decided to confront my family head on. It is at age 15 that I first told my family that I didn’t want to go to church anymore because I disagreed with the religion on a fundamental and moral level. I was honest and respectful about my opinions, but that didn’t stop them from attempting to force my participation in the church—they probably thought they were doing the right thing, trying to “save my soul.” I remember them being upset with me at first—as you might expect. But, because of my straightforward and honest attitude, and because I broached the subject rather early in life, it blew over relatively quickly. In short, they got over it. From age 15 on it was known to all those in my immediate family that I was a Religious Conscientious Objector and, while some of the more closed-minded family members looked down on me for this rather bold announcement, I simply turned the other cheek. Now, I am an open atheist in my private and public life and believe that I am truly better off for it. While keeping your opinions on issues related to dogma hidden might help to avoid small confrontations, being honest with yourself and others can be more rewarding in the long term. I truly empathize with those people who are still being forced to hide their non-religiosity from friends and family who might otherwise discriminate against them—and that’s the purpose of this book.

I understand that because I never fully believed in any deity or religion, my de-conversion and “coming out” isn’t as divisive as some of my atheist friends and colleagues. Those who were more invested in church might have a more difficult time sharing their new-found skepticism with friends and family, who are likely enshrined in the same tradition—often with extreme fervor. This includes those non-believers who were once clergymen or preachers or otherwise associated with a religious tradition—this dynamic presents its own set of unique challenges.

But the reason my de-conversion was not a traumatic moment in my life is precisely because I didn’t wait. By telling my family as soon as I was sure that I didn’t want to be involved in the church, it became a soon-forgotten aspect to my developing personality—my family got used to it. By the time I was 18 years old and I decided to attend school for Religious Studies, nobody in my family or circle of friends was surprised that I was interested in studying the phenomenon of religion from a secular perspective; and, although I catch flak from strangers every once in a while, my true friends and family continue to love and respect me for who I am, regardless of religious and ideological difference—of which there are many.

This is, in my opinion, how it can and should be for everybody, provided that you are honest with yourself and others and retain a respectful outlook. In this book, I will outline some steps to make the process easier for you and your loved ones to transition out of religion, provide testimonials from non-believers of all ages who decided to take the enormous step to become open about their lack of belief, and provide helpful information, resources, and support systems for all non-believers. The intention is that these instructions and stories will help people who are being forced to hide their thoughts and feelings from family and friends in a society largely dominated by religion and serve as a reference for those who have already come out as atheists. From dealing with grief from a secular perspective to handling potential clashes in religious worldviews between significant others, this guide offers multiple perspectives from non-religious individuals who have generously donated their anecdotes to help those atheists in similar positions.