Rekindling Romance For Dummies E-Book

Ruth K. Westheimer

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2011

Seitenzahl: 654

Beschreibung

"Her energy level is higher than a charged particle." --People "Her manner is down-to-earth and reassuring.... She tries to make people feel better, value themselves, trust their instincts." --Ladies' Home Journal In today's world of instant gratification people have lost the knack for keeping romance alive. Rather than take the time to rekindle the flame that once burned so brightly, we let the fire die out, thinking we'll find something more lasting with someone else. Often, the result is that we find ourselves repeating the same pattern over and over again or giving up on romance altogether. But true romance never really dies it only goes into hibernation, waiting for somebody to wake it up. Are you bored with your relationship? Does your love life seem routine? Don't throw in the towel! Let "Americas star sexologist" (TV Guide), Dr. Ruth Westheimer shows you how to inspire a romantic Renaissance in your relationship. With the help of self-exams and easy exercises, she shows you how to: * Rate the romance in your relationship * Renew respect and commitment * Spice up your sex life * Find time for Romance in everyday situations * Plan a romantic getaway Full of straight-talk about real-life relationship issues and peppered with helpful and inspiring anecdotes from her years couples counseling, Rekindling Romance For Dummies helps you: * Find the sources of stress in your relationship and address them constructively * Discover the importance of communication in overcoming potential sore spots * Understand the roles that conflict and mutual respect play in a successful relationship * Use proven techniques for strengthening your relationship, including renewal ceremonies, romantic escapes, and more * Overcome boredom and insecurity in the bedroom and supercharge your sex-life together, well into your golden years * Work through common stresses that can afflict romance, including financial conflict, pregnancy, and childrearing * Recognize how common medical problems can impact the state of your relationship and know when to seek professional help Don't let a good thing fade away. Let Dr. Ruth show you how to "embrace the art of romance" and keep the fire burning in your relationship.

Leseprobe

Rekindling Romance For Dummies®

by Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer with Pierre Lehu

Rekindling Romance For Dummies®

Published byWiley Publishing, Inc.111 River St.Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774www.wiley.com

Copyright © 2001 IDG Books Worldwide, Inc. Text and author-created materials copyright © 2001 Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer. All rights reserved. No part of this book, including interior design, cover design, and icons, may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means (electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the publisher.

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About the Authors

Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer: Dr. Ruth Westheimer is a psychosexual therapist who helped pioneer the field of media psychology with her radio program, Sexually Speaking, which first aired in New York in 1980. Within a few years, she had built a communications network to distribute her expertise that included television, books, newspapers, games, calendars, home videos, and computer software.

Dr. Westheimer received her Master’s Degree in Sociology from the Graduate Faculty of the New School of Social Research and her Doctorate of Education (Ed.D) in the Interdisciplinary Study of the Family from Columbia University Teacher’s College. Working at Planned Parenthood prompted her to further her education in human sexuality by studying under Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan at New York Hospital–Cornell University Medical Center. She later participated in the program for five years as an Adjunct Associate Professor. She has also taught at Lehman College, Brooklyn College, Adelphi University, Columbia University, and West Point. She is currently an Adjunct Professor at New York University.

Dr. Westheimer is a Fellow of New York Academy of Medicine and has her own private practice in New York. She frequently lectures around the world, including at universities, and has twice been named “College Lecturer of the Year.”

Dr. Westheimer has written 18 books. Some of the others include Dr. Ruth’s Encyclopedia of Sex, Dr. Ruth’s Pregnancy Guide For Couples, The Art of Arousal, Dr. Ruth Talks to Kids, and Rekindling Romance For Dummies.

Pierre A. Lehu: Pierre Lehu has been Dr. Ruth Westheimer’s “Minister of Communications” for 20 years. He is the co-author of Dr. Ruth Talks About Grandparents: Advice for Kids Making the Most of a Special Relationship and Dr. Ruth’s Guide to College Life: The Savvy Student’s Handbook. He lives in New York City with his wife and two children.

Dedication

My beloved has gone down to his garden to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens and to pick lilies.

Song of Songs

To the memory of my entire family who perished during the Holocaust — I am thankful that they had the opportunity to instill in me the much cherished values of the Jewish Tradition before they were lost to me. And to the memory of my beloved late husband, Manfred Westheimer.

To my wonderful family of now: my daughter, Miriam Westheimer, Ed.D; my son-in-law, Joel Einleger; my grandson, Ari Einleger; my granddaughter, Leora Einleger; my son, Joel Westheimer, Ph.D.; my daughter-in-law, Barbara Leckie, Ph.D.; and my granddaughter, Michal Leckie!

Authors’ Acknowledgments

From Dr. Ruth Westheimer: Pierre Lehu and I are now entering our twentieth year of working together! A special toast to Pierre and to many more years of cooperation.

I have so many people to thank it would require an additional chapter, so let me just mention a few: Martin Englisher; Richard Freese; Cynthia Fuchs Epstein, Ph.D. and Howard Epstein; Gabe Erem; Josh Gafni; Ellen Goldberg; David Goslin, Ph.D.; Amos Grunebaum, M.D.; Alfred Kaplan; Steve Kaplan, Ph.D.; Ronnie and Michael Kassan; Bonnie Kaye; John Kilcullen; Larry Kirshbaum; Marga and Bill Kunreuther; Rabbi and Mrs. William Lebeau; Lou Lieberman, Ph.D. and Mary Cuadrado, Ph.D.; John and Ginger Lollos; Sanford Lopater, Ph.D.; Jonathan Mark; Dale Ordes; Henry and Sydelle Ostberg; Bob Pinto; Fred and Ann Rosenberg; Cliff Rubin; Jonathan Sacks; Tim Satterfield; Rose and Simeon Schreiber; Daniel Schwartz; Amir Shaviv; Richard Stein; Hannah Strauss; Romie and Blanche Shapiro; John and Marianne Slade; Greg Willenborg; and Ben Yagoda.

To the IDG Books staff: What a terrific, hard working, competent, and expert group you are to work with! Thanks especially to Stacy Collins, Tracy Boggier, Joan Friedman, Ellen Considine, Rowena Rappaport, and Janet Withers.

From Pierre Lehu: Thanks to my wife Joanne, who rekindles our romance every single day. Thanks to my children, Peter and Gabrielle, my mother, Annette, and my in-laws, Joe and Anita Seminara, for their support. I join with Ruth in thanking everyone at IDG Books, though I must add my special thanks to Joan Friedman, who was my all-in-one lifeline, phone-a-friend, and ask the audience. And, of course, to Dr. Ruth Westheimer, for all she’s done to rekindle romance in the entire universe.

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Contents

Title

Introduction

Seeking Solutions versus Throwing in the Towel

Using the Ingredients You Have

How This Book Is Organized

Icons Used in This Book

Open Your Matchbooks

Part I : How to Win Your Mate All Over Again

Chapter 1: How Does Your Relationship Rate? A Self-Assessment

Is Assessment Worth the Risk?

Steering Clear of Comparisons

Comparing Past and Present

Pencil and Paper Time

Kick-Starting Your Romantic Momentum

Give Yourself a Gold Star

Chapter 2: Say It and Show It: Improving Communication

Are You from Different Planets?

Coping with Communication Breakdowns

Separating Sex and Romance

Experiencing Empty Nest Syndrome

Tips for the Terminally Shy

Using Your Whole Body: Nonverbal Communication

Tackling Thorny Topics

Chapter 3: Conquering Conflict

Understanding the Necessity of Conflict

Blowing Off Steam

Chipping Away at That Chip on Your Shoulder

Harboring Fury with a Vengeance

Keeping Feuds in the Family

Keeping the Water Buckets Handy

Recurring Nightmares

Planning a Peacekeeping Mission

Chapter 4: Renewing Respect

Lacking Respect from Day One

R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Find Out How It’s Supposed to Be

Part II : Inspiring a Romantic Revival

Chapter 5: The Art of Romance: Keeping Love Fresh

Isn’t It Romantic?

Posing the Question

Keeping Disappointment at Bay

Differentiating Sex and Romance

Desi Loves Lucy: Lessons in Eccentricity

Giving Romance the Hot Towel Treatment

How to Be Romantic 365 Days a Year

Chapter 6: Taking Commitment to a Higher Level

After the Fire

The Garden of Love

Committing to Your Partner’s Personality

The Limits of Commitment

Shaking Yourselves Out of a Rut

Chapter 7: Renewing Your Marriage Vows

Reasons for Saying “I Do” Times Two

Making Your Vows More Meaningful

Sustaining the Celebration

Planning Your Ceremony

Chapter 8: Getting Away from It All: Romantic Getaways

Planning the Perfect Vacation

Finding Romance with Kids in Tow

Short and Sweet Escapes

Mixing Business and Pleasure

Cruising in the Lap of Luxury

Camping: Roughing It Romantically

Finding Relaxation and Romance at the Beach

Taking an Active Role in Your Vacation

Packing Tips for the Romantically Inclined

Making Love and Memories

Part III : Heating Up Your Sex Life

Chapter 9: Rethinking Your Approach to Sex

Rediscovering Each Other

Resolving Common Sexual Problems

Heating Up Your Sex Life

Getting Off the Fence

Ringing Your Partner’s Bell

Chapter 10: Feeling Attractive: Be Sexy, You’re Worth It

Vanity, Thy Name Is You

The Importance of Paying Compliments

Feeling Sexier

Transforming Yourself Inside

Chapter 11: Let’s Get Physical: Exercises to Improve Your Sex Life

Applauding Dr. Kegel

Getting Limber

Feeling the Burn

Re-creating Recreation

Chapter 12: Great Sex in Your Senior Years

Rolling with the Physical Changes

The Viagra Dialogues

Taking a Fresh Look at Your Romance

Part IV : Romancing Real Life

Chapter 13: Finding the Romance in Pregnancy

Baby-Making Basics

Making the Birthing Process Romantic

Postpartum Romance

Chapter 14: Managing Romance with Parenthood: From Infants to Teens

Nestling with a Newborn

Stretching Out the Celibacy

Coping with His Turnoffs

Reconnecting at Every Level

Resuming Your Romance at Home

Showing Affection

Baring It All

Finding Private Time When You Have Teens

Discovering Your Children Are Sexually Active

Chapter 15: Heating Up the Empty Nest

Identifying the Empty Nest

Choosing a Path

Steaming Up the Nest

Seizing the Moment

Chapter 16: Working Too Hard for Romance?

Recognizing the Need for Romance

Making Your Mate a Priority

Playing the Martyr

Making Time to Make Love

Building Up a Romantic Reservoir

Speaking Up

Romancing Each Other Long Distance

Relieving Your Stress with Romance

Chapter 17: Romancing Financial Difficulties

Calculating Your Own Worth

Avoiding a Bankrupt Romance

Struggling through Unemployment

Rolling in the Dough

Chapter 18: Rescuing Romance from Life’s Hardships

Understanding Fear

Coping with Chronic Illness and Disability

Dealing with Death

Sticking Together after Losing Everything

Rebounding After a Crime

Knowing When to Leave Romance Alone

Part V : Troubleshooting Your Love Life

Chapter 19: Navigating Common Traps and Pitfalls: TV to the Internet

Tuning Out the TV

Surfing the Internet without Drowning Your Romance

Nonelectronic Distractions

Tapping into the Benefits of Routine

Chapter 20: When the Two of You Can’t Make It Alone: Going for Therapy

Deciding That You Need Professional Help

Overcoming Resistance to Therapy

Finding a Therapist

Knowing What to Expect During the First Visit

Seeking Solo Help

Anticipating Your Homework Assignments

Seeking a Second Opinion

Misusing Therapy

Digging Up Deeper Problems

Making Therapy Affordable

Chapter 21: Medical Matters: When You May Need to See a Doctor

Preventing Unintended Pregnancy

Stopping the Spread of STDs

Facing Female Problems

Mastering Male Problems

Avoiding Other Romance Inhibitors

Part VI : The Part of Tens

Chapter 22: Ten Romantic Getaways Sure to Create a Spark

Making Your Home a Hideaway

Taking in the Sights of the Big City

Finding Seclusion in the Woods

Strolling through the City of Lights

Finding Inspiration in the Holy Land

Setting Out on a Romantic Adventure

Relaxing on a Tropical Isle

Cruising the High Seas

Cruising the Highways

Returning to Your Honeymoon Hotel

Chapter 23: Ten Great Ways to Date Your Mate

The Morning Date

Lunch Dates

Phone Dates

Traditional Dinner Dates

Nontraditional Dinner Dates

Warm-Up Dates

Pick-Up Dates

The Cocoon Date

Mini Dates

Extended Dates

Chapter 24: Ten New Twists on Your Everyday Sex Life

Switching Who’s on First (And When)

Playing Hide and Seek

Beating the Clock

Changing the Rules of Foreplay

Inventing Your Own Venus Butterfly

Taking a Lick

Talking the Talk

Changing the Order of Orgasms

Heading Left of Center

Sharing Your Toys

Chapter 25: Ten Romantic Web Sites

The RoMANtic’s Guide

Barely Nothing

Virtual Kiss

Romance 101

Marriage Pages on About.com

Isn’t It Romantic?

Gone With The Wind

Loving You

Ring of Romance

Drruth.com

Introduction

A llow me to play fortuneteller for a moment. I’m going to gaze into my crystal ball and analyze the state of your relationship with your significant other. Here I go. At the moment the picture is a bit murky — hold on while I concentrate. Ah, there we are. Hmmm, from what I can see, it looks like your relationship could use a bit of tweaking.

How did I know this? First, if everything were perfect, you probably wouldn’t have picked up this book. But my crystal ball has another source of inside information. All I have to do is look out the window of my office and see all of the people hustling and bustling down the street. That vision tells me that stress and lack of time are negative influences wreaking havoc with everybody’s relationships — be it with their spouses, their lovers, their children, or even their pets.

Seeking Solutions versus Throwing in the Towel

Most people who come to see me in my office have sexual problems, though I also see couples who have other marital problems. What I always tell them is that by calling to make an appointment, they’ve taken the most important step toward fixing the problem, whatever it is. Sadly, most people don’t reach out for help when their relationships turn sour; they either live with the problem or allow their relationships to deteriorate completely. They end up leading miserable lives because of it, or they eventually separate from people they once loved. But after you admit that you have a problem and begin the process of getting help, then you’ve already made an enormous stride in arriving at a solution.

If your romance is showing some signs of weakness, chances are good that you don’t have a serious relationship issue to overcome. More likely, your brain, which is the seat of all emotions, is overwhelmed by other aspects of your life. If you’re constantly putting out one fire after another, it’s easy to understand why you might have trouble keeping your romantic flame from blowing out. It’s easy to shove romance into a dark corner, rationalizing that you’ll get to it next week. But all too often a week turns into a month and then a year, and at some point it might just be too late: Your romance will have grown so cold that it will be beyond help.

Some people just give up on their relationships. They feel that they can barely cope with everything else on their plates, so they cut the cord and watch the dinghy that holds the remnants of their romance float off toward the horizon. They figure at least it’s one less thing to worry about, especially because the situation feels hopeless.

Using the Ingredients You Have

I’m here to tell you that your relationship struggles are not hopeless. Why am I so confident? Because of the title of this book. If you and your partner had a romance once upon a time, you don’t have to start from scratch. All the ingredients are still there. With some directed effort, I feel very strongly that you can rekindle that romance of yours. And congratulations are in order because you’ve already taken that very important first step: You picked up this book.

Let me be clear: I’m not promising an easy fix; rekindling definitely takes some work. You’re going to have to push romance higher up on your priority ladder. But I’m also not going to suggest that you push it all the way to the top. You have to be a realist; if you and your partner have been together for some time, it’s natural for you not to feel the overwhelming rush of romantic emotion that you experienced when you first met. On the other hand, all relationships need some romance to survive, so it’s vital that you find a happy medium.

In order to rekindle your romance, you and your partner must undergo a two-step process. First, you have to realize that you’ve let your romance slide, and then you have to go about purposefully putting it back into its rightful place. As you read through this book, focus in on the subjects that apply most directly to your life. Maybe you want to underline or highlight suggestions you find particularly helpful or problems I define that seem to resonate with your relationship; that way, you can share your concerns or ideas with your partner by encouraging him or her to read those passages.

How This Book Is Organized

Rekindling Romance For Dummies can help you identify possible sources of stress in your relationship and offer you suggestions for ways to tackle those problems. Like all For Dummies books, this one is designed to let you pick and choose what you need to read; you don’t need to read it cover-to-cover in order to glean lots of great advice. Use the table of contents, the index, or the headings in the chapters to hone in on the particular situations I describe that apply most directly to your circumstances.

Rekindling Romance For Dummies is divided into six parts. The chapters within each part cover specific topics in detail.

Part I: How to Win Your Mate All Over Again

In this part, I ask you to do some serious soul-searching in order to identify sources of trouble between you and your mate. I show you the importance of using open communication to overcome those potential sore spots, and I discuss the roles that conflict and mutual respect play in a successful relationship.

Part II: Inspiring a Romantic Revival

Chapter 5 offers a definition of romance to ensure that we’re clear on our terms. After I define what I mean by romance, I discuss ways to strengthen your relationship by giving it the proper attention. Part of that strengthening may involve a renewal ceremony if you’ve been married for many years, and I discuss the reasons to take that step in Chapter 7. Chapter 8 offers suggestions for ways to plan a romantic escape from the stresses of everyday life.

Part III: Heating Up Your Sex Life

Many couples struggling to keep the heat in their romance also struggle to keep the heat turned up in the bedroom. The biggest stumbling blocks to a hot sex life? Boredom and insecurity. In this part, I show you how to strut your stuff — after you’ve identified exactly what your best stuff is — and how to spice things up between the sheets well into your golden years.

Part IV: Romancing Real Life

The stresses of life threaten romance at every turn. In this part, I show you the impact of having children, from the changes that take place during and after pregnancy to the lack of privacy that comes from having kids to the silence that can overwhelm a home after the kids have left. I also walk through other sources of romantic strain, from work stress to financial conflict, and offer solutions for working through them together.

Part V: Troubleshooting Your Love Life

Do you lose your partner to the TV or the computer every time he or she walks in the door? Is golf or shopping a bigger part of his of her weekend than time spent with you? If so, turn to Chapter 19 for some practical advice for overcoming these types of distractions. Chapter 20 offers guidance for determining when to seek professional help for your relationship and where to look. And Chapter 21 outlines some common medical problems that can impact the state of your relationship, so you know when a doctor’s care is in order.

Part VI: The Part of Tens

Every For Dummies book has The Part of Tens. In this one, you get great advice about romantic getaways, unusual dates to plan with your mate, ways to add some zing to your sex life, and Web sites to visit for even more romantic ideas.

Icons Used in This Book

To highlight information that may be of particular importance to you, I’ve inserted icons in the margins throughout the book. Here’s what the various icons signify:

This icon alerts you to a useful tidbit of information.

This icon sits next to paragraphs that contain ideas that help you create an especially sensual aura.

This icon points out stories involving couples that can help you cope with similar situations. The names used are not those of real couples, and the situations described are composites derived from various therapy sessions.

This icon points to practical advice and my personal thoughts about the state of romance today.

This icon signals behaviors that could cause trouble, either for you or your relationship.

Open Your Matchbooks

At the Indy 500, they say, “Start your engines” — I’m going to revise that to “get those matchbooks ready.” Keep in mind that if the first match doesn’t light the fire under your romance, keep trying. Your romance is too important to give up without putting up one heck of a fight.

Part I

How to Win Your Mate All Over Again

In this part . . .

Before you can start repairing some of the cracks in your romance, you have to understand the tools required for the job. One of the most essential tools is honesty, which allows you to evaluate your relationship fairly. Another is communication, both through the things you say and the things you do. A third is, believe it or not, conflict — a necessary part of every relationship, but one that often is allowed to overwhelm romance. And a fourth is respect, without which a couple can never experience the thrill of romance.

This part helps you understand the necessity of each of these tools and the ways they can be applied to the task of rebuilding your romance. Chapter 1 asks you to take an honest look at the state of your relationship, including improvements you can make in relating to your partner. Chapter 2 tackles the all-important subject of communication, from finding topics to talk about to setting aside the time to discuss them. In Chapter 3, you discover why you cannot — and should not — eliminate all conflict from your relationship, as well as how to prevent conflicts from turning too ugly too often. And Chapter 4 offers suggestions for improving the respect you show for yourself as well as for your partner, so you both can feel bolstered by your relationship.

Chapter 1

How Does Your Relationship Rate? A Self-Assessment