I. TALES OF MY LANDLORD
II. INTRODUCTION to THE BLACK DWARF.
III. THE BLACK DWARF.
CHAPTER I.
CHAPTER II.
CHAPTER III.
CHAPTER IV.
CHAPTER V.
CHAPTER VI.
CHAPTER VII.
CHAPTER VIII.
CHAPTER IX.
CHAPTER X.
CHAPTER XI.
CHAPTER XII.
CHAPTER XIII.
CHAPTER XIV.
CHAPTER XV.
CHAPTER XVI.
CHAPTER XVII.
CHAPTER XVIII.
I. TALES OF MY LANDLORD
COLLECTED
AND REPORTED BY JEDEDIAH CLEISHBOTHAM, SCHOOLMASTER AND PARISH-CLERK
OF GANDERCLEUGH.INTRODUCTION.As
I may, without vanity, presume that the name and official description
prefixed to this Proem will secure it, from the sedate and reflecting
part of mankind, to whom only I would be understood to address
myself, such attention as is due to the sedulous instructor of youth,
and the careful performer of my Sabbath duties, I will forbear to
hold up a candle to the daylight, or to point out to the judicious
those recommendations of my labours which they must necessarily
anticipate from the perusal of the title-page. Nevertheless, I am not
unaware, that, as Envy always dogs Merit at the heels, there may be
those who will whisper, that albeit my learning and good principles
cannot (lauded be the heavens) be denied by any one, yet that my
situation at Gandercleugh hath been more favourable to my
acquisitions in learning than to the enlargement of my views of the
ways and works of the present generation. To the which objection, if,
peradventure, any such shall be started, my answer shall be
threefold:First,
Gandercleugh is, as it were, the central part—the navel (SI FAS SIT
DICERE) of this our native realm of Scotland; so that men, from every
corner thereof, when travelling on their concernments of business,
either towards our metropolis of law, by which I mean Edinburgh, or
towards our metropolis and mart of gain, whereby I insinuate Glasgow,
are frequently led to make Gandercleugh their abiding stage and place
of rest for the night. And it must be acknowledged by the most
sceptical, that I, who have sat in the leathern armchair, on the
left-hand side of the fire, in the common room of the Wallace Inn,
winter and summer, for every evening in my life, during forty years
bypast (the Christian Sabbaths only excepted), must have seen more of
the manners and customs of various tribes and people, than if I had
sought them out by my own painful travel and bodily labour. Even so
doth the tollman at the well-frequented turn-pike on the
Wellbraehead, sitting at his ease in his own dwelling, gather more
receipt of custom, than if, moving forth upon the road, he were to
require a contribution from each person whom he chanced to meet in
his journey, when, according to the vulgar adage, he might possibly
be greeted with more kicks than halfpence.But,
secondly, supposing it again urged, that Ithacus, the most wise of
the Greeks, acquired his renown, as the Roman poet hath assured us,
by visiting states and men, I reply to the Zoilus who shall adhere to
this objection, that, DE FACTO, I have seen states and men also; for
I have visited the famous cities of Edinburgh and Glasgow, the former
twice, and the latter three times, in the course of my earthly
pilgrimage. And, moreover, I had the honour to sit in the General
Assembly (meaning, as an auditor, in the galleries thereof), and have
heard as much goodly speaking on the law of patronage, as, with the
fructification thereof in mine own understanding, hath made me be
considered as an oracle upon that doctrine ever since my safe and
happy return to Gandercleugh.Again—and
thirdly, If it be nevertheless pretended that my information and
knowledge of mankind, however extensive, and however painfully
acquired, by constant domestic enquiry, and by foreign travel, is,
natheless, incompetent to the task of recording the pleasant
narratives of my Landlord, I will let these critics know, to their
own eternal shame and confusion as well as to the abashment and
discomfiture of all who shall rashly take up a song against me, that
I am NOT the writer, redacter, or compiler, of the Tales of my
Landlord; nor am I, in one single iota, answerable for their
contents, more or less. And now, ye generation of critics, who raise
yourselves up as if it were brazen serpents, to hiss with your
tongues, and to smite with your stings, bow yourselves down to your
native dust, and acknowledge that yours have been the thoughts of
ignorance, and the words of vain foolishness. Lo! ye are caught in
your own snare, and your own pit hath yawned for you. Turn, then,
aside from the task that is too heavy for you; destroy not your teeth
by gnawing a file; waste not your strength by spurning against a
castle wall; nor spend your breath in contending in swiftness with a
fleet steed; and let those weigh the Tales of my Landlord, who shall
bring with them the scales of candour cleansed from the rust of
prejudice by the hands of intelligent modesty. For these alone they
were compiled, as will appear from a brief narrative which my zeal
for truth compelled me to make supplementary to the present Proem.It
is well known that my Landlord was a pleasing and a facetious man,
acceptable unto all the parish of Gandercleugh, excepting only the
Laird, the Exciseman, and those for whom he refused to draw liquor
upon trust. Their causes of dislike I will touch separately, adding
my own refutation thereof.His
honour, the Laird, accused our Landlord, deceased, of having
encouraged, in various times and places, the destruction of hares,
rabbits, fowls black and grey, partridges, moor-pouts, roe-deer, and
other birds and quadrupeds, at unlawful seasons, and contrary to the
laws of this realm, which have secured, in their wisdom, the
slaughter of such animals for the great of the earth, whom I have
remarked to take an uncommon (though to me, an unintelligible)
pleasure therein. Now, in humble deference to his honour, and in
justifiable defence of my friend deceased, I reply to this charge,
that howsoever the form of such animals might appear to be similar to
those so protected by the law, yet it was a mere DECEPTIO VISUS; for
what resembled hares were, in fact, HILL-KIDS, and those partaking of
the appearance of moor-fowl, were truly WOOD PIGEONS and consumed and
eaten EO NOMINE, and not otherwise.Again,
the Exciseman pretended, that my deceased Landlord did encourage that
species of manufacture called distillation, without having an
especial permission from the Great, technically called a license, for
doing so. Now, I stand up to confront this falsehood; and in defiance
of him, his gauging-stick, and pen and inkhorn, I tell him, that I
never saw, or tasted, a glass of unlawful aqua vitae in the house of
my Landlord; nay, that, on the contrary, we needed not such devices,
in respect of a pleasing and somewhat seductive liquor, which was
vended and consumed at the Wallace Inn, under the name of MOUNTAIN
DEW. If there is a penalty against manufacturing such a liquor, let
him show me the statute; and when he does, I'll tell him if I will
obey it or no.Concerning
those who came to my Landlord for liquor, and went thirsty away, for
lack of present coin, or future credit, I cannot but say it has
grieved my bowels as if the case had been mine own. Nevertheless, my
Landlord considered the necessities of a thirsty soul, and would
permit them, in extreme need, and when their soul was impoverished
for lack of moisture, to drink to the full value of their watches and
wearing apparel, exclusively of their inferior habiliments, which he
was uniformly inexorable in obliging them to retain, for the credit
of the house. As to mine own part, I may well say, that he never
refused me that modicum of refreshment with which I am wont to
recruit nature after the fatigues of my school. It is true, I taught
his five sons English and Latin, writing, book-keeping, with a
tincture of mathematics, and that I instructed his daughter in
psalmody. Nor do I remember me of any fee or HONORARIUM received from
him on account of these my labours, except the compotations
aforesaid. Nevertheless this compensation suited my humour well,
since it is a hard sentence to bid a dry throat wait till
quarter-day.But,
truly, were I to speak my simple conceit and belief, I think my
Landlord was chiefly moved to waive in my behalf the usual
requisition of a symbol, or reckoning, from the pleasure he was wont
to take in my conversation, which, though solid and edifying in the
main, was, like a well-built palace, decorated with facetious
narratives and devices, tending much to the enhancement and ornament
thereof. And so pleased was my Landlord of the Wallace in his replies
during such colloquies, that there was no district in Scotland, yea,
and no peculiar, and, as it were, distinctive custom therein
practised, but was discussed betwixt us; insomuch, that those who
stood by were wont to say, it was worth a bottle of ale to hear us
communicate with each other. And not a few travellers, from distant
parts, as well as from the remote districts of our kingdom, were wont
to mingle in the conversation, and to tell news that had been
gathered in foreign lands, or preserved from oblivion in this our
own.Now
I chanced to have contracted for teaching the lower classes with a
young person called Peter, or Patrick, Pattieson, who had been
educated for our Holy Kirk, yea, had, by the license of presbytery,
his voice opened therein as a preacher, who delighted in the
collection of olden tales and legends, and in garnishing them with
the flowers of poesy, whereof he was a vain and frivolous professor.
For he followed not the example of those strong poets whom I proposed
to him as a pattern, but formed versification of a flimsy and modern
texture, to the compounding whereof was necessary small pains and
less thought. And hence I have chid him as being one of those who
bring forward the fatal revolution prophesied by Mr. Robert Carey, in
his Vaticination on the Death of the celebrated Dr. John Donne:Now
thou art gone, and thy strict laws will be
Too hard for libertines in poetry;
Till verse (by thee refined) in this last age
Turn ballad rhyme.I
had also disputations with him touching his indulging rather a
flowing and redundant than a concise and stately diction in his prose
exercitations. But notwithstanding these symptoms of inferior taste,
and a humour of contradicting his betters upon passages of dubious
construction in Latin authors, I did grievously lament when Peter
Pattieson was removed from me by death, even as if he had been the
offspring of my own loins. And in respect his papers had been left in
my care (to answer funeral and death-bed expenses), I conceived
myself entitled to dispose of one parcel thereof, entitled, "Tales
of my Landlord," to one cunning in the trade (as it is called)
of bookselling. He was a mirthful man, of small stature, cunning in
counterfeiting of voices, and in making facetious tales and
responses, and whom I have to laud for the truth of his dealings
towards me.Now,
therefore, the world may see the injustice that charges me with
incapacity to write these narratives, seeing, that though I have
proved that I could have written them if I would, yet, not having
done so, the censure will deservedly fall, if at all due, upon the
memory of Mr. Peter Pattieson; whereas I must be justly entitled to
the praise, when any is due, seeing that, as the Dean of St.
Patrick's wittily and logically expresseth it,That
without which a thing is not,
Is CAUSA SINE QUA NON.The
work, therefore, is unto me as a child is to a parent; in the which
child, if it proveth worthy, the parent hath honour and praise; but,
if otherwise, the disgrace will deservedly attach to itself alone.I
have only further to intimate, that Mr. Peter Pattieson, in arranging
these Tales for the press, hath more consulted his own fancy than the
accuracy of the narrative; nay, that he hath sometimes blended two or
three stories together for the mere grace of his plots. Of which
infidelity, although I disapprove and enter my testimony against it,
yet I have not taken upon me to correct the same, in respect it was
the will of the deceased, that his manuscript should be submitted to
the press without diminution or alteration. A fanciful nicety it was
on the part of my deceased friend, who, if thinking wisely, ought
rather to have conjured me, by all the tender ties of our friendship
and common pursuits, to have carefully revised, altered, and
augmented, at my judgment and discretion. But the will of the dead
must be scrupulously obeyed, even when we weep over their pertinacity
and self-delusion. So, gentle reader, I bid you farewell,
recommending you to such fare as the mountains of your own country
produce; and I will only farther premise, that each Tale is preceded
by a short introduction, mentioning the persons by whom, and the
circumstances under which, the materials thereof were collected.JEDEDIAH
CLEISHBOTHAM.