The Conversationalist E-Book

Russell Verhey

• Herausgeber: BroadStreet Publishing Group, LLC
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2016

Seitenzahl: 407

Beschreibung

More than news, weather, and sports. When is the last time you had a catalytic conversation with an employee, a colleague, a friend, or a complete stranger?   Whether at work, church, a coffee shop, or at home, people everywhere are one conversation away from a life-defining decision. Being truly present during such moments grants you an invitation to greater levels of leadership and friendship along the way. - If you don't have the heart, it limits your capacity. - If you don't have the questions, it limits your access. - If you don't have the discipline, it limits your engagement. The Conversationalist will help you to develop your heart, ask the questions, and engage your relationships—leading yourself and others into life-changing discovery. In an age driven by social media and virtual reality, we need practical tools to help take our relationships to the next level of trust, transparency, and real change for the good. An adventure is waiting for those willing to step forward courageously as a conversationalist.  

Leseprobe

ENDORSEMENTS

The Conversationalist will show you how to make the most of your most important relationships.

—DR. JOHN TOWNSEND, New York Times bestselling author, founder of the Townsend Institute of Leadership

I’ve seen firsthand that my good friend Russell not only talks about conversations being life-changing opportunities, but he lives it out as well. What an inspiring book and example that Russell gives us!

—MAC POWELL, singer, songwriter, producer, and musician of Third Day

The Conversationalist is a primer on how to create deep personal connections. If you follow the principles described by Russell, your own personal and professional influence and connections will grow more quickly and deeply than you can ever imagine.

—BOB BERNATZ, Ph.D., corporate psychologist and principal consultant with The Table Group

Russell Verhey is a master teacher. In The Conversationalist, he teaches how to build deep, life-giving relationships. This significant book will help you increase your conversational capacity, ask guiding questions, and grow your most important friendships.

—PETER GREER, president and CEO, HOPE International, and author of The Spiritual Danger of Doing Good

How many of us wear a sign around our heart that says, Do Not Disturb? That is just one of the powerful questions asked by Russell Verhey in The Conversationalist. I personally know Russell as a gifted leader, a trusted friend, and a faithful follower of Jesus. I am excited that he has shared his insights into making intentional investments through conversation with a broader audience. Exceedingly rich with wisdom, The Conversationalist is for everyone who desires to more significantly practice the power of conversation. Whether a conversation is casual or catalytic, The Conversationalist will assist the reader in maximizing the power of the spoken word. In this transformational book, Russell takes us on a practical and at times painful journey into the depths of conversation. Practically informed, Russell will challenge you to abandon a shallow approach to everyday conversation. I highly recommend this book for anyone seeking a deeper, fuller, and richer understanding of the power of life-giving conversation in the midst of a broken world.

—JIMMY DODD, founder and president, PastorServe, author of Survive or Thrive: Six Relationships Every Pastor Needs and Pastors Are People Too

Our life now and our legacy in the life to come are richer if we are skilled in conversing at the heart level with the people in our spheres. The Conversationalist will show you how to do this.

—RUSS CROSSON, president and CEO, Ronald Blue & Co.

My good friend Russell is wealthy in what matters most in life relationships. He intentionally invests in other people, as an excellent listener and as a person who really cares. As a result, individuals are drawn closer to each other and closer to their heavenly Father. Apply the truths in these pages and experience the true riches Russell describes so clearly.

—BOYD BAILEY, president, National Christian Foundation of Georgia

For many years, Russell has modeled the depth of relationship that can come from intentional, catalytic conversations. The Conversationalist will give you practical steps to build deeper, more loving relationships one conversation at a time. As you learn to engage others in deep conversations—be it with family, friends, or coworkers—you will also find your own heart growing in love and connection with the people who matter most in your life. For every person in relationship with other people, which pretty much covers the entire human race, this book is a must-read!

—SCOTT AND SUSAN EVANS, owners of Outreach, Inc.

Those who spend time with Russell Verhey, as I have for several years, know that he models well the message of The Conversationalist. This powerful book is one to keep on your desktop so you can refer to it often. It will help you deepen your friendships, enrich your life, and the lives of your family, friends, and colleagues.

—DAVE JEWITT, founder, Your One Degree

Authentic conversations open the heart! One question, one discovery, and one commitment to change multiplied over hundreds, if not thousands, of times can change a world. If you’re tired of artificial, canned, and cliché, it’s time to try intentional relational engagement. If you desire real change, adventure, and life-defining friendships, Russell will help you get there, one conversation at a time.

—DAN BRITTON, author of One Word That Will Change Your Life and executive vice president of International Ministry for Fellowship of Christian Athletes

Being fully present is an extraordinary gift to give another person. In The Conversationalist, Russell Verhey provides a practical pathway to help you connect on a deeper level with the people in your life. If you want to learn how to cultivate grace and life-giving relationships, this is the book for you!

—TAMI HEIM, president and CEO, Christian Leadership Alliance

We are excited about The Conversationalist! In this age of technology, we have observed families focused on their phones instead of each other, thereby losing sight of the importance conversation can bring to the health and well-being of the family. Allow the proven principles found in The Conversationalist, and practiced by our friend Russell Verhey, to help guide and direct you to more meaningful conversations and leave a lasting legacy with your family and friends.

—ED AND RENEE BEHR, owner/partner, The Platinum Group Realtors, Colorado Springs, CO

BroadStreet Publishing Group, LLC

Racine, Wisconsin, USA

BroadStreetPublishing.com

THE CONVERSATIONALIST: Building Life-Defining Relationships One Conversation at a Time

Copyright © 2016 Russell Verhey

ISBN-13: 978-1-4245-5246-7 (soft cover)

ISBN-13: 978-1-4245-5247-4 (e-book)

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®, copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Scripture marked KJV is taken from the King James Version of the Bible, which is in the public domain.

Stock or custom editions of BroadStreet Publishing titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, ministry, fundraising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail [email protected].

Cover design by Garborg Design at garborgdesign.com

Interior design and typesetting by Katherine Lloyd at theDESKonline.com

Printed in the United States of America

16 17 18 19 20 5 4 3 2 1

The Conversationalist is dedicated to Grandma Helen Gilreath Verhey, who modeled one hundred years of building relationships one conversation at a time. Those conversations will echo for eternity.

CONTENTS

Introduction

S

ECTION

O

NE

:

T

HE

H

EART OF THE

C

ONVERSATIONALIST

Chapter 1:

Why People Tell Me Their Secrets

Chapter 2:

Navigating the Five Levels of Significant Conversations

Chapter 3:

Coming to the Table

Chapter 4:

What Everyone Longs For but Few Receive

Chapter 5:

Essentials to Increase Your Conversational Capacity

Chapter 6:

Leading People to Their Own Discovery

Chapter 7:

Life-Giving Response

S

ECTION

T

WO

:

T

HE

Q

UESTIONS OF THE

C

ONVERSATIONALIST

Chapter 8:

Passion: What Difference Do You Hope to Make?

Chapter 9:

Strengths: What Energizes Your Life?

Chapter 10:

Attitude: What’s the Attitude of Your Heart?

Chapter 11:

Stewardship: What’s Been Entrusted to Your Care?

Chapter 12:

Secrets: What Thoughts Have You Never Shared?

Chapter 13:

Gifts: Whom Can You Bless Today?

Chapter 14:

Legacy: How Will You Be Remembered?

S

ECTION

T

HREE

:

T

HE

D

ISCIPLINES OF THE

C

ONVERSATIONALIST

Chapter 15:

Engaging the Seven Disciplines

Chapter 16:

Conversations That Echo for Eternity: The Call to Discipleship

Appendix:

Fifty Questions of a Conversationalist

Acknowledgments

About the Author

INTRODUCTION

My life is a miracle. My mom and dad divorced when I was only three years old. After that time, Dad disappeared from our lives for several years, while Mom tried her best to provide for my one-year-old brother and me.

When I was eight, Mom remarried a violent man with a second-degree black belt in karate, who abused alcohol and my mother on a regular basis. For a while my childhood was marked between sunny summer days and nights of violence and alcohol abuse. Authorities eventually intervened, and he went to prison for the physical abuse he inflicted.

Split between my biological parents, I lived in twelve different homes before I was fourteen years old, all but one of them in Atlanta. During my foundational childhood years I knew the disconnected life—always new neighborhoods and new schools. I was bullied—maybe it was because I didn’t have a strong dad around, maybe it was because I was always new, or maybe it was because I was insecure and isolated.

My dad’s parents were lovers of Jesus and my eventual safe haven. I spent most of my summers tromping around the woods of their old Civil War home where food and God’s love and truth were served in generous abundance. This is where I first learned that there is a better way.

I asked Jesus to come into my heart when I was eight years old on my grandma’s wrought iron swing. I knew I needed him if I wanted a different life than the one I experienced at home. The loving conversations with my papa and grandma in the vegetable garden and wood shop shaped me and made me into the man I am today. They read me God’s Word and told me how God designed and intended relationships to work and thrive.

During my early teens both Mom and Dad remarried and my home life began to settle. To their credit, my parents encouraged me with an entrepreneurial spirit. They told me, “It’s a big world out there! So, go discover and explore a world bigger than the one you’ve known. You never know what you’ll experience or who you’ll meet.”

At thirteen, my world opened with adventures in backpacking 127 miles on the Appalachian Trail with my uncle Dan. Later that summer at my aunt and uncle’s Christian camp in Montana, I had an encounter with God’s unconditional love and acceptance. I felt part of a larger family that was connected, cared for, and celebrated. This began a journey of seeking out mentors and godly men in my church, where I had countless conversations around their family tables, witnessing what it meant to be a godly man who loves family and others well. I grew up between the extremes of brokenness and connectedness, fear and faith, which affects how I view relationships today and the conversations that shape them.

My deep conviction that I would live a life of connectedness came on the day of my wedding—January 29, 1994. It was significant not only because I married my best friend and the love of my life, but also for two other reasons. First, that was the first day I heard my dad say that he loved me; and second, as I looked around the sanctuary of the little stone chapel in the North Georgia mountains, I realized my parents didn’t have a friend there to celebrate with us.

That day I made a vow to give my life to intentionally investing into relationships, a vow that was made first and foremost with my wife, children, and extended family. What should have been a life marked by brokenness and distrust is now one that is defined by the most meaningful relationships a person could ever have. My life now is the sum of intentional investments into conversations—conversations that have echoed around the world in the richest of friendships, which have blessed me more than any one man should be privileged to enjoy.

I am here to give you hope. I want to encourage you with a greater vision for your relationships as you engage in them by asking life’s most important questions, discovering God’s highest and best for your life and for those around you. You can live in vibrant, life-giving, life-changing relationships—you are just one conversation away.

A Dream of Connectedness

I have a dream where families stay together, friendships last a lifetime, and leaders serve faithfully within their influence until the next generation succeeds them. It’s a dream realized by a movement of conversationalists—people who are more committed to hearing than being heard, serving than being served, and intentionally engaging than living virtually isolated and alone.

I have a dream where people are living out their passions and God-given purposes. I see young people knowing and living out their calling. I see a generation of mentors finishing well, leaving a great legacy, and living their life to the full. I see a world connected in life-defining relationships that will impact it for good. I see the disconnected, disenfranchised, and discouraged invited back into the community of faith, love, and grace. I see the lonely loved and invited into family, friendships formed and fostered over a lifetime, and teams that will be united to make a difference by implementing their vision.

As we live in connected community, we will spur one another on to greater things. We need each other in order to live out our God-given destiny. We cannot live out our calling alone. God intends us to work together, and so we need to talk about our God-given ideas and dreams, fleshing them out in community. It is important that we are able to talk about potential mistakes and pitfalls and how to avoid them. And we need to talk about the best and most efficient ways to accomplish those dreams.

We need great people to rise up in this generation. America has become a modern-day Babylon in need of Daniels, Shadrachs, Meshachs, and Abednegos. We need the William Wilberforces and Hannah Mores of today to right a whole bunch of social evils in our world. We need another Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks of this generation to have bold faith and turn hearts away from detestable attitudes that separate us from one another. We need passionate evangelists like Billy Graham and prolific Bible teachers like Beth Moore.

William Wilberforce and Hannah More lived in an intentional community called Clapham House so that they could be near each other to discuss their ideas and plans to reform the moral fiber of England. They strategically planned to infiltrate the culture through politics, schools, plays, poems, and pamphlets in order to bring true biblical values back into a country that claimed to be Christian but was living utterly contrary to those values. They knew they needed each other to accomplish such a great task, so their friend Henry Thornton expanded rooms in his house and built other houses to accommodate several households.

By no means am I suggesting that we all need to move next door to each other, but we can learn a tremendous lesson about intentional community. Wilberforce and More had large aspirations to change an entire country, and they knew they couldn’t do it alone. The dinnertime discussions, late-night conversations, and chats walking along the path were necessary to formulate the plans and have the courage to stick to it and actually accomplish what they dreamed, despite great opposition and long years to see it become a reality.

What creativity and influence has God given to you? What is the great purpose he wants you to accomplish? Think about C. S. Lewis, J. R. R. Tolkien, and their literary community that wanted to bring biblical concepts and truth to the world of great literature. If it wasn’t for their connectedness along the Cherwell River, we would have never read or been inspired by The Chronicles of Narnia and The Lord of the Rings. Such stories move us not only because of the great mission but also because of connectedness. Even in these fictional stories, friends and family had to rally together in order to see victory; they had to overcome great odds together.

Our world needs countless changes that can only come from people living out their God-intended destiny, and that destiny can only be lived out in connection with others. We cannot live this life to our fullest potential while being isolated and disconnected from each other. The enemy knows that and he wants to keep us feeling alone and rejected. He wants to divide us over silly misunderstandings. He wants us to believe that no one even cares about what we are going through. If he can keep us disconnected and isolated, then he can more easily tempt us into other sins and keep us from living out our God-given destiny.

A Movement of Intentional Engagement

No great movement was ever accomplished in isolation. We are in a day and age where the need is great, but the capacity for greatness is even greater. Everyone has dreams and desires, and many of those aspirations are to make a difference in our world. Yet the way we see change within our families, communities, workplaces, and the world is only through a connected life.

As we are begin this journey together and you move further into the connected life—developing as a conversationalist—your past disconnectedness, brokenness, or failure does not have to keep you bound in shame and regret. You can start today with one relationship, one connection, and one conversation that will put you on the pathway as a conversationalist. Your disappointments hold the potential of divine appointments of friendship that may define your life.

I see you being a part of such a movement—a movement of conversational engagement. Imagine the impact you’d have if you intentionally engaged with just one life-changing conversation. What would be the impact in your marriage? What could happen with your children? What significance would this have for your friendships? And what about the impact on your areas of influence?

I want to call you to the challenge today. This challenge will move you beyond your comfort zone. If such a call and challenge feels daunting to you, then you’re not alone. It’s going to take courage. But I’ll be with you along way. It’s an honor to be your conversational guide—a coach to help you intentionally engage your most important relationships.

Being a conversationalist means considering and connecting in the world beyond your own. As you do this, you will see a vision fulfilled—a generation of families, friends, and colleagues united for life change. And you may find that the greatest change is your own.

Beginning the Journey

In the spring of 2015, my son Grady and I had the opportunity to go to South Africa with four other dads and sons. After landing at Johannesburg, we took a flight into Zimbabwe. Immediately upon landing at the airport, we quickly observed that the customs, surroundings, and language were quite different. These were beautiful people and an extraordinary land. The thrill of the adventure was exhilarating. The trip was long anticipated from the months of planning and preparation. We were finally ready to be outdoors.

The arid landscape filled with baobab trees was alive. Every corner we turned in the Jeep created new sensations, smells, and sights. The vista point where we first ascended gave us a perspective over the land. It was green, filled with vegetation I’d never seen before, yet it was still a desert. Our guide took us lower into the valley, where we parked near a market and then took a trail into the jungle. The farther we walked, the denser the foliage became. Something shifted in the air—it was no longer dry, but there was now a moisture and a humidity that wasn’t present before.

As we turned the corner, I heard it before I could see it—a roar that felt soul-deep. With every step the roar only increased. Our anticipation grew. At the climax of the moment, with the moisture on my face, we turned the corner to an overlook to see one of the most majestic sights I’ve ever seen in my life. We experienced one of the seven wonders of the world—Victoria Falls.

The water was running at an all-time high. There was mist everywhere. The giddy excitement among the boys and men was a celebration for sure. From nearly every vantage point we saw rainbows, colors that seemed to cut through the mist as the sun shined through. Such a rainbow moved with us on our mile-long hike along the rim of the canyon. There were so many twists and turns in and out of the jungle, every precipice presented a new angle and one of the most majestic sights in the world. With every step we were more saturated in the waters, not from direct flow but rather from the mist that surfaced as a result from the falls. In some cases, the falls were so loud you could hardly hear. It seemed impossible that just a few minutes before we were walking in a high-desert climate filled with sparse vegetation, and now we were surrounded by a jungle—monkeys and other wildlife—in such a beautiful display of creation.

Such a scene set the stage for an experience that will forever mark my life. Being there with my son and other friends was a moment I will never forget, not only for the thunder and roar of the water but for the beauty of such majestic colors found in the rainbows that seemed to track every step. Such is the picture and the possibility for the conversationalist engaging the heart of the listener.

How many of us are surrounded by a desert of relationships but don’t realize that we are only a few steps from the roar of a waterfall, an oasis of richness and refreshment that is found in relationship? Solomon wrote, “The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out” (Proverbs 20:5). Can you imagine what lies waiting in the reservoirs within your own heart, ready to be drawn out by those in your life? Can you also imagine what it would be like for you to ask the right question that can unlock the reservoirs of life inside your friend, bringing refreshing encouragement?

The Conversationalist is a guide for those who are willing and desirous to go to the edge of the precipice, to look out upon refreshing waters, to feel their mist, and look at the rainbows of possibilities that are present only in the delight of enjoying relationships among good friends. The Conversationalist is a call to step out from the desert and into a place of relational refuge. Many, if not all of us, desire such relationships. And yet we must understand that though we desire these kinds of relationships, they actually begin with us.

This book is designed to help guide you into more intentional discovery dialogue that in the end will build life-changing relationships, which will have an impact on you as well as those around you. Come, let’s be refreshed by the good waters that hold possibility and refreshment beyond what we can imagine. It’s soul-deep, and we can actually feel it before we are able to see it. If you’re at a place where you need encouragement today, then I hope you will find it in this book by unlocking the power of conversations that result in true life change.

At the end of the following chapters is a section called Insights and Actions, which is your opportunity to reflect and gain further insights for how you want to grow as a conversationalist. I’ll also give you a few recommended actions as you engage in your most important relationships. These are the same questions and exercises I use with leaders, small groups, and teams. Please read them as if you and I were sitting down over coffee, discussing your challenges and goals. As you apply these recommendations, I know they will have the same desired impact I have seen thousands of times. This is my heart for you as you move to the next level as a conversationalist.

INSIGHTS AND ACTIONS

1. As you begin this journey, find a conversationalist partner for encouragement, accountability, and practice. The questions, exercises, and challenges presented at the end of each chapter cannot be done alone. It’s about intentional engagement.

2. What kind of conversationalist will you become? Create a conversationalist vision statement. Then write down three specific areas of impact you will have as you commit to intentionally engage your priority relationships in the next year.

3. What difference will it make for you personally, in your family, in your meaningful friendships, and in your workplace? How will that feel?

4. Who are the most important people in your life? Write down their names. Take the first step as a conversationalist and simply let each of them know how you value them and how they are a priority in your life.

SECTION ONE

The Heart of the Conversationalist

We begin with the heart of the conversationalist. What resides within your heart will come out in every conversation–whether in words or expression. It’s no wonder that ancient wisdom advises us to guard our hearts above all else because “everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23). Heart preparation must come first, which conversationally sets the environment and will ready you for the potential of life-changing discovery.

Chapter 1

WHY PEOPLE TELL ME THEIR SECRETS

Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.

—Psalm 84:5

On a cool summer morning sitting atop a modest knoll that was overlooking a small creek that ran parallel to a railroad line, I listened to my friend tell stories of his childhood in Northern Ireland. Our wives and young kids were busy with their morning activities, and my friend and I were on a pilgrimage retracing some of his childhood roots. We walked a little farther to a ruined platform that once held the structural support for a bridge. Behind us was a small residential area where he once lived and played as a boy; in front of us, across the creek, was a grassy field that represented the peaceful Irish countryside.

My friend pointed out a few other landmarks and then shared with me that this place was once a battleground for war in Northern Ireland during the seventies between Protestants and Catholics. This small creek bed and the bridge that once stood there were scarred by a bomb explosion erupting from the anger and tension of religious and political division. More than any religious perspective or persuasion, for my friend this area was marked by the trauma of families that were separated, communities broken, and people who lost their lives.

That moment marks me in both memory and in friendship. You can begin piecing the stories of people’s lives together over coffee-shop conversations and special occasions for dinners, but walking the ground where they once walked at defining moments in their life takes a relationship to a whole other depth. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the landscape, the colors of the season—all of those things set the environment. The joy of that memory is that we didn’t stay in that place, but we continued our travels, building new memories, going new places with fun and laughter. By the end of our trip, we were dreaming about what was ahead. The joy for me is that some of those whispered dreams have become a reality that have impacted people’s lives all over the world.

Why would my friend entrust me with his life story? What endears someone to open up the past so that it shapes the hopes for the future? What builds such a trust and confidence? How do I engage conversationally to capture a moment like this? And how will I respond to honor his story and the gift of friendship?

A Conversationalist Connects

As a conversationalist, I find that everything begins with connection. I am often asked why people tell me their secrets, and the simplest answer I can give is that I take the time to walk alongside people, to be in proximity during the moments when they are asking questions, and to engage in dialogue with them. People tell me their secrets because I take the time to care, to listen, and to recognize and reflect on where they have been, where they stand today, and where their hopes are for tomorrow.

The work of the conversationalist invites a person to look around at the landscape of life and engage his or her relationships. It invites a person to be more intentional and connect, to nurture the relationships that have been neglected, and to deepen the relationships that may have plateaued. It’s to guide an individual into a greater awareness and discernment of the people who are in one’s life and who are on the cusp of a life-changing moment. And such a decision may only be waiting for a life-changing conversation to happen. Whether or not you feel you have the right skill set to guide a conversation to a defining decision that may change the trajectory of someone’s life for good, know that you have the potential to encourage relationships.

The intensity that you develop as a conversationalist will be equal to how people inspire you. You can care, value, and even love, and yet these endearments start with a spark, much like a first date. Connection comes from how fascinated you are with the stories of others’ lives and how curious you are with the details of their journey. Connection comes by entering into a conversation that leads to a discovery process in which you’re not really sure where it is going to end, yet you want to be one of those who are along for the ride.

If you want to grow in meaningful relationships, then you can do so by being a witness to people’s life-defining moments. Such moments happen around us all the time, yet we may be disconnected from what is actually taking place. But taking the time for a few well-meaning conversations may make all the difference in their lives (and even in ours). If we are to grow as conversationalists, then we will have to develop as guides, and skillfully grow in our ability to have such conversations in the relationships that will define our lives and theirs.

In this day of social media, where people ironically feel more disconnected than ever before, it is my hope that we would be people who are interested in more than just news, weather, and sports. It is my hope that we would gracefully guide conversations where they need to go, that we would lead people into a discovery of all God intended and all they hope to become. The result of their thinking, consideration, and dialogue would prompt them to take action on what matters most in their lives, and that the impact of those commitments would change their lives as well as the lives of those within their influence.

Defining a Conversationalist

The dictionary would define a conversationalist as a person who enjoys and contributes to good conversation or an interesting person in conversation. But I would take it a step further and say that a conversationalist is one who considers “how … [to] spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Hebrews 10:24). How do we become a conversationalist? We do so by listening to the secrets of someone’s story, celebrating their present reality, and then considering their future possibilities.

My early perception of a conversationalist is one who could come in with a few bits of information, be able to wax eloquent in any variety of topics—entertaining with story, speculating with questions, and reciting facts and figures, maybe even some poetry—and would create awe in those who were listening. The more I thought about my perception, however, the more I realized that it was really one of an orator, not a conversationalist. Such a brilliant communicator knows the audience, and they are able to present their talk in a way that connects, leads them along, and invites them into the story.

On further reflection, I realized a conversationalist does more than entertain or wow by their knowledge or experience. A conversationalist speaks more to the heart of the matter, surfacing the most important issues in an individual’s life. He doesn’t so much present what he knows, but he helps draw out and discover what others know and what God has placed in their heart and brings them into the discussion. Whether it’s one-on-one, in a small group, in a classroom setting, or in an organizational context, a conversationalist draws out the best of the people participating in the dialogue.

The conversationalist is like a skilled facilitator who knows the people—their values, their priorities, and maybe even some of their past. She is one who asks questions to invite others to fully be a part of the conversation. The conversationalist may also be aware of the present challenges a person is going through, knowing that the people involved may be stymied from past decisions or circumstances. Rather than being crippled by challenges, he or she can draw out the wisdom of learnings as insights into exploring possibilities for future opportunities. The conversationalist invites a new perspective that is shaped by all the voices participating, through a mutual discovery that can only be done collectively within trusted circles.

Have you ever sat with a conversationalist? Have you ever sat with someone who brings out the very best in you? Or have you ever been a part of a team environment that may be stagnant, and a person comes in, and by a few comments and questions shifts the air in the room and brings an energy and a life that wasn’t present before? It’s more than just charisma or personality that is at work; it comes from the heart of the conversationalist who takes time to consider the needs and interests of those around him, what moves them, what stirs their heart, and what spurs them on. And the result of such a conversation moves the people present to do the same for others.

I am a conversationalist not so people can enjoy engaging conversation with me, but so they can discover what God has placed in their heart and live it out with passion. I am not a conversationalist who has arrived, but rather one who is on the journey to becoming better. The ideals, principles, and models presented in these pages help stimulate me. What does it look like to aspire to be a conversationalist? There is a resolve to wake up on a daily basis, to listen to God, and intentionally engage others.

God designed us to live connected to him and to others.

For you to declare yourself a conversationalist is to evaluate the kind of relationships you hope to build, the kind of friendships you hope to foster, and the kind of family you hope to create. The vision of the types of relationships you hope to attain will condition you for the kind of conversationalist you hope to become. Whether you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert, it makes no difference at all—we all have relationships.

Whether our relationships are many or few, to engage relationally is to be human, and to isolate ourselves would be like limiting the oxygen we breathe. God designed us to live connected to him and to others. Our connecting point to develop such relationships is through each and every conversation we engage in. As conversationalists, let us consider “how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Hebrews 10:24).

An Open Invitation

“You can ask me anything you want. My life is an open book.” There are times when I feel like one of the wealthiest people on the planet, relationally speaking—I am so grateful for the friends I have in my life. Yet no matter how many people I know around the world, those people who have access to my heart seem to be few. We don’t get access to one another’s lives just because we have a great idea, an opinion, or a preference. We move beyond everyday conversations with permission. It is such a simple idea, yet I can assure you that it is so rare that every time it is exercised it is well received.

Permission honors the relationship and creates the potential for meaningful engagement, whether in the moment or in the future. Permission is more than just a good idea or practice. In fact, my life has been shaped by this, having it modeled for me at an early age by my good friend Peter. We were sitting at a men’s retreat in the fall of 1993. I had just gotten engaged to Cari, while Peter had been married just over four years, and he was more than happy to pass along anything he had learned along the way. Clearly, I seemed to be struggling over my words and the questions to ask when Peter stopped my stumbling and said, “Russell, you can ask me anything you want. My life is an open book.”

For the first time in my life I had a friend who had given me access to anything and everything I wanted to know about his life, from his upbringing, school days, his work life, his marriage, and even his hopes and dreams for the future. I don’t remember the exact details of what we talked about that night, but I clearly remember a man who vested himself in me and gave me permission to ask anything. I was limited only by the questions I didn’t know to ask. That was a defining point in the conversation, as well as a friendship that has lasted almost twenty-five years. The joy for me is that after all these years, I still have permission to ask anything I want.

Imagine for a moment what granting permission would do for you relationally. It is such a simple statement, yet it is filled with potential risk, exposure, and maybe even a sense of loss if something about your life is revealed. On the other hand, what does this do for the possibility of a life-defining relationship? And what could you discover in a friendship that could never be revealed without permission? Not everyone has access and permission to my heart—this is only reserved for a select few—yet not giving permission to a few people will limit the potential of some extraordinary relationships.

I recently sat down with Tim, a man in his sixties and who is a licensed counselor and therapist, primarily for marriages. He helps couples through thirty-hour intensives to see their marriages fully restored, witnessing relational miracles all the time. We have had many chats over the years, but this was our first time together in a private setting. We were catching up, and somewhere in the course of getting to know each other deeper, Tim began to ask a question and then stumbled a bit, perhaps feeling like it was inappropriate. I reassured him: “Tim, you can ask me any question you want. My life is an open book.”

With that comment, even with fork in hand and a mouthful of food, he stopped chewing and his mouth dropped as he stared at me. Given his trade in marriage counseling and the strong statement of trust and permission, he said to me, almost in a state of shock, “Russell, do you have any idea how rare it is that you would say that?” His comments that followed made me feel like we had moved years ahead in our friendship in just a few short hours. Again, permission is not for everyone in our life, but by giving it to the few, they will be able to take us further than we could ever imagine.

Navigating Expectations

I didn’t wake up one day and decide I was going to be a conversationalist. I have probably asked more annoying questions in my lifetime than meaningful ones. My children have an unusual amount of grace when I keep pressing them with questions when clearly they need a pause from the conversation. My oldest, Ellie, even uses a hand signal, saying, “Hang loose, Dad,” meaning, “I’m good for now, so lighten up.”

As a conversationalist, you can quickly exhaust your welcome if you don’t know the boundary lines of appropriate questions. You’ve overextended your stay beyond the water cooler or a ninety-minute lunch when the look in the other person’s eyes says, “I have had so much, I need to take some time to digest.” Like a really good meal, after you have taken time to enjoy it, then you have to get up from the table and move around a bit before you can take in any more. The conversationalist knows the grace of their welcome; therefore, navigating questions is a critical component of being a great conversationalist.

You’re on a pathway of guiding the conversation to a personal discovery, taking time to consider what moves the other person. Getting a list of fifty questions to ask can be a little overkill, let alone ridiculous. You should take the time to consider the most important questions you should be asking. In the consideration of such questions, you are prepared before you ever meet with someone. Three or four well-crafted questions can easily take a half hour to a couple hours to work through. Certainly, questions stimulate other questions, yet you anchor your time on the key questions that help move the conversation (and thus the relationship) forward.

Intentionally engaging relationship is a press. By that, I mean every time you ask a question, it potentially poses a risk that maybe you’ve gone too far or you’ve asked a question that there is not an answer to, and you have to sit in a few moments of awkward silence trying to figure out where to go next. As a conversationalist, your role as a guide is just as important as the grace in making people feel welcome and at ease in moving through the dialogue.

While navigating expectations, you will find the balance and tension between pressing with questions but not pressuring for answers before it’s time. Really great questions, well timed in an environment of grace, don’t always have to demand answers. The greater the question can often mean the greater the ambiguity of the answer. And, in time, whether it’s in the moment or over a series of conversations, such ambiguity may lead to a clarity that results in a change of trajectory in someone’s life. One of the greatest joys as a conversationalist is that you get to be a witness to these early musings that set a course for new actions in an individual’s life.

Asking Questions

The reason people tell me their secrets is simply because I take the time to ask. Henry Thoreau once wrote, “I had the best day of my life because someone took time to listen to me.” I was on a call with a leader who has become my friend only in the past year. As we discussed some of the ideas around this book, he shared, “Other than my wife, I really have only one or two friends I talk to at this level. I consider myself a good friend to many, and I am blessed with a lot of great relationships, but the fact is we just don’t take the time to get beyond the normal conversations of every day. I am thankful I have at least a couple people I can talk to at this level, but I know I need to do a better job of taking the initiative to press a little further with some of my key friends.”

The reason people tell me their secrets is simply because I take the time to ask.

When you are talking on an intimate level, it’s more than just the stigma of what you are hiding. Rather, it could be something that you have not had the opportunity to share simply because somebody hasn’t taken the time to listen. Take a moment to conversationally acknowledge the sacred privilege of being invited into dialogue at this level. Whether the ideas are clearly defined or you’re just exploring them for the first time, recognize that you are talking at a level that is uncommon and that leads to some uncommon discoveries along the way.

How do you know when you’ve crossed over the threshold to uncommon conversations? You can train your ear for keywords that give you an indication that you are getting close or that you have arrived: dreams and fears, desires and disappointments, hopes and heartache, love and loss. These words are not exhaustive by any means, but they do represent four talking points where you know you are working at a heart level. This is not common, everyday conversation; it is reserved for special moments. As a conversationalist, you have the opportunity to steward such moments and to guide the conversation in order to further define these areas in the context of others’ lives.

Notice the tension between each of these four areas. They represent the extremes of what people may feel, think, and act upon for good or for bad. Like any good story, we hang on the tension of these moments. It’s the arc in the script that makes a great story.

Our life is not made up of all mountaintop moments, nor should it be exclusively in the valley either. When we are in these sacred places conversationally, we are talking at levels we may think are only reserved for the therapist’s office. So often, the tension of these hard times before the good comes causes us to jettison the conversation because we truly don’t know how to engage. Our role sometimes is just to sit quietly in the pause of the conversation through a difficult time. But as people walk through that valley and climb to the mountaintop of their dreams, desires, and hopes, and experience the love within their relationships, it is extraordinary. And it is that which adds richness to relationships because we have stood through the good and the bad.

Isn’t that what we all long for? Isn’t that what we are made for? Yet so many people are void of these kinds of relationships, where they have exchanged the richness of walking through the sacred moments of their lives for a virtual life where they experience people in an artificial way. These uncommon conversations shared in trusted moments are not a burden but a blessing, and they should be embraced with joy even though there may be tensions of the unknown.

Creating Space for Uncommon Conversations

Imagine for a moment if you and I were beachside at your favorite coastal vacation spot. You had just finished a long walk after an afternoon of play with the kids. And when you get back to the house, you grab a drink before dinner to watch the sunset. You and I visit a little bit, talking about what a refreshment it has been enjoying a few days out of the normal rhythms of work and other commitments. You’re really at a place of the most rest you have felt in months if not years, and then I ask, “If we were to come back here three years from now, where do you hope to see your life? What will you have done with your family and the friendships in your life during that time?”

As you begin to share your answer, you may have moments where you are smiling, exhibiting a real sense of joy as you think about the possibility of a dream coming true. Yet within a few minutes the conversation may take a quick turn, where it may evoke fear of some regret or hurt that you hope will be made right. If we were to talk for an hour and I would have the freedom to ask questions about the things you shared, we would be in a space of true honor as we listen at a level that may have never been shared.

More often than not, such moments won’t happen beachside. But during the normal course of your week, you may encounter a pause in the conversation where a seemingly minor comment reveals a heart-level expression of what matters most to the person you are talking to. As a conversationalist, you have the opportunity to engage in such moments to acknowledge rather than deflect. You can simply seize these moments with a comment like, “Wow, that sounds fascinating! Tell me more about that.” By doing so, you are inviting your friend into a deeper relationship. As you look for such moments, pay attention to the cues of someone’s dreams, desires, hopes, and what they love, which invites a dialogue around those thoughts and ideas.

When you see signs of such moments, you have a decision to make: to press in or to pull back, to ignore or to engage. It may not be in that moment, but it could be an acknowledgement later in the elevator or in the parking lot at the office that says, “I remember what you said yesterday in that meeting,” or, “At dinner last night, what you shared really hit me and I’d love to hear more about it.” Comments like these honor that person amid the stale mundane of everyday life. Your acknowledgement shows that you are paying attention, which opens the door for further discussion, creating space for more uncommon conversations to take place.

Characteristics of the Conversationalist